The Girl of District 7
by therebelliondies2.0
Summary: Camellia Goldenlarch has lived her entire life inside the boundaries of District 7, but life is about to throw some changes at her that she's not sure she'll be able to handle. Where will they lead her and will she come out the same person on the other side?
1. Chapter 1- Storms of Change

Part 1- The Storms of Change

I can still remember the day that the storm blew in. I was in school learning about the differences between Aspen and Birch wood and the benefits of genetically crossing the two. All of the students in the class piled up at the windows to watch the first snowfall of the year blow in. I remember the excitement as students began whispering that we would get out of school early to walk home before the snow got too deep.

I remember plenty about that day; however, I don't remember when exactly I figured out that it wasn't just your average snowstorm. I don't remember exactly when I figured out something was wrong. I gathered up my younger brother Ash from his classroom before we scurried home through the snow with our hoods pulled tightly against our ears. The snowflakes were coming down so hard that it felt like they were piercing our skin and, by the time we got home, the snow was already swirling up around our ankles. I picked up Holly from our neighbor, Maggie, who watched her during the day and we all welcomed the warmth once we stepped through the front door of our home.

I started up a fire and cooked up a stew that I couldn't bring myself to eat. I had started to suspect something was wrong even though I consciously denied it. My parents both worked up in the lumberyards. My mother drove a truck that carried the logs down from the mountain and my father chopped the pines that grew on the north face of the mountain. As dark began to fall, the snow continued to escalate and the wind picked up even more. Normally, the overseers let the workers come down from the mountains early when a heavy snow starts up. I could only imagine how hard it must be snowing up in the mountains. Here, in the valley, the wind was already blowing drifts up over the front porch. But they had been working longer hours to meet the Capitol quotas and sometimes they didn't get off shift until after dark.

I stayed up that night and kept the fire stoked waiting for my parents to come home. The wind howled through the night and I stuffed the windows with rags to seal up the drafts. There weren't enough chores to keep at least my hands busy that night. The sky was just shifting from pitch black to grey when there was a knock at the door. I opened it and Linden came in with a gust of wind and snow.

Linden was my best friend. We were in the same year at school and we spent a lot of time in the foothills together gathering food. He and his mother, Maggie Hollbrook, had lived next door since we were both born. After his father had died when a tree fell wrong and pinned him, my father had taken him in as a surrogate son. My dad had taken it upon himself to teach Linden everything he would need to know about the lumber industry and all those things that dads and sons talk about.

And now Linden was standing, breathless, on my doorstep. "Have they come back yet?" He asked as he moved over to the fireplace. There were snowflakes stuck in his short wiry black hair that slowly melted leaving it damp.

"No. I haven't gotten any word. " I said crossing my arms across my chest partly out of chill and partly to steady my shaking hands. "I've been up all night waiting."

He rubbed his hands together in front of the fire and then turned to focus his green eyes on me. "They didn't let the workers off the mountain when the storm blew in yesterday afternoon. No one is back yet."

I froze. I had seen animals do the same thing when we walked across them in the woods. The deer would freeze into statues just like I was now- staring and unmoving.

"Don't worry yet Camellia. No one's come back. That means they took shelter somewhere up in the mountains-"

"Where?"

Linden pauses a minute after I cut him off, "What do you mean?"

"Where, Linden? Where would they take shelter? There's nothing up on those mountains except for trees. The wind was cutting through the woods last night. You can imagine how bad it must have been on that mountain!" I said getting louder as I spoke so that I nearly shouted the last word.

"Camillia-" He started and stopped. I looked away from him then. I think that's when I really started to admit that there was more than a good chance my parents were dead because in his moment of hesitation those green eyes told me everything I needed to know. He knew I was right- there wasn't anywhere for my parents to take shelter up on the mountain. "Have you eaten?" he offered up as concession to make up for what he'd just given away.

"No. I made stew for Ash and Holly but I couldn't eat." I said collapsing onto the old couch across from the fireplace. I dropped my forehead into my hands and balanced my elbows on my knees.

I could hear Linden rustling around in the cabinets. I felt the couch sink to my right and a hunk of tessera bread was held in my line of vision. I took it still looking toward the ground. "Thanks." I said taking a bite of it but it crumbled in my mouth. It tasted like the sandy dirt down by the brook and I had to consciously swallow before it turned to cement in my mouth.

Linden reached over and weaved his arm around my back pulling me closer, "It's going to be okay, Camellia. I promise." He whispered into my hair. I still didn't look at him. I knew that he meant well but I knew that he was just as unsure about everything as I was. He had no idea if anything was really going to be okay.

I curled into him and rested my head on his shoulder. I dozed off listening to his breathing and taking in his warmth. For a moment, just as I was drifting into sleep I forgot about how worried I was about my mother and contentedness took over. It never failed that Linden could make me feel safe.

I slept for several hours before there was a knock at the door again. I was instantly awake as was Linden who apparently had fallen asleep as well. The sky was now that bleached out grey color that meant the sun was fully up. I crossed the short distance to the door and quickly opened it. But it wasn't my mother or my father standing there; instead it was Red the overseer usually in charge of my father. A man in his mid forties, he had auburn hair peppered with gray and had always worn a smile on his face any time I saw him since the day I had met him, which was why I found him so disconcerting that morning. Red stepped over the threshold and shut the door behind him. He took off his stocking hat and his eyes moved everywhere but never landed on mine. His smile seemed to have gone into hibernation like the bears do when the snow comes.

"Red, what's going on?" I ask trying to sound like it was a surprise to see him and I had no idea what he was here for but really it came out shaky and sounded like I was pleading with him not to tell me what I was expecting to hear.

"Camellia," he started and his dark eyes finally met mine. My heart skipped a beat. I started shaking my head and looked away. I didn't want him to look at me now, not if he was going to tell me what I knew he was going to. "I'm so sorry. You're mom and dad-"

"NO!" I shouted turning around the slapping my hands up to my ears. If I couldn't hear what he was saying, it couldn't be true.

Red took a deep breath and let it out between his teeth- I could still hear through my hands and I pressed them harder against my ears. "They were still up on the mountain when the storm came in. We didn't think it was going to be so bad. We thought that we could hold out a few more hours to make the quota before we ended the day.

"Then the wind started to kick up so we started down the mountain but it was too late. The snow was blowing too hard and we couldn't see our hands in front of our faces. Your mom-" He broke off as his voice cracked. I shook my head again but now my whole body was starting to shake and I could hardly stand. "The truck she was driving. The back tires slid off the road and took the whole truck with them off the side of the mountain."

I couldn't breath. I felt my knees buckling and Linden was there holding me up just before I collapsed onto the ground. He guided me back onto the couch and I sat there trembling with my hands still over my ears and his arm still around my shoulders.

"And your dad. He. Well, we stopped the evacuation off the mountain, you see. It was too dangerous to get down. We tried to start up some fires in the woods to keep warm enough. But it was so damn windy we just couldn't keep them going. We lost a lot of the men up there, Camellia. He just fell asleep and didn't wake up. He didn't feel anything." Red finished and now his voice was the one that sounded like it was pleading. "I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do. Your dad was a good man. I'm sorry." He added.

"YOU DID THIS!" I screamed with my hands still over my ears. I was rocking on the couch now and trembling uncontrollably. "YOU MURDERED MY PARENTS! ALL BECAUSE OF THE DAMN CAPITAL QUOTAS!" I could feel Linden tighten his grip on my shoulder to try and settle me.

"I've got it Red. Thanks for letting us know." Linden said in hushed tones whether to keep from upsetting me further or to console Red after my outburst I don't know.

"I truly am sorry." Red said just as he slipped out the front door again and Linden closed it softly behind him.

Everything was quiet for a minute until I heard a creak on the floorboard upstairs. That would be Ash. He was always a light sleeper and my yelling would have been more than enough to wake him up.

"Camellia, I-" Linden started to say as he walked back over the couch to place a hand on my shoulder. His voice was shaky. He was upset too. And why wouldn't he have been? After all he'd just lost a father for the second time.

"Don't." I said and stood up running my hands through my hair. It's a deep honey blonde, thick and wavy like my mother's was. "Ash is awake. I can't do this now. I don't want him to see me upset." Linden closed his mouth and gave a sharp nod. Even then he understood me. He knew that I had to be strong for them at least for a little while and that meant that he had to be strong too. I wasn't crying yet but I was sure that if he started to show any emotion I would be a goner as well.

I heard the light tread of footsteps on the stairs followed by, "Camellia, were you yelling?" He still sounded like he was half asleep. And now I was the parent, which meant I was supposed to have all the answers. But I didn't even know how to answer his simple question.


	2. Chapter 2- Finding Purchase

**Part 2- Finding Purchase**

That was years ago of course and I figured things out piece by piece. At first, it was a real struggle to keep going but Red was there and so was Maggie; thank goodness for Maggie. And of course, Linden was there too. In those first moments after I was told my parents had died, I thought I was alone in the world and the weight of my siblings' well being rested solely on me. Linden didn't leave that night once the kids went to sleep. He stayed with me on the couch and I cried myself to sleep with my head in his lap as he pulled his hand gently through my hair. He never cried himself. He would just get really quite and his eyes would glaze over like he was somewhere else. I would sit with him during these times and wait for him to come back from wherever he'd gotten to.

I couldn't help but think of the other orphans in the district. The storm took a lot of parents that night; I wasn't alone in that fate. But I had Linden there when I need him most and many of those orphans had no one. There was a community home in the district; however, after that storm there weren't enough beds to take us all. The Peacekeepers came to some unwritten agreement and left us to our own devices. I guess the theory was that we would seek out the help if we needed it but I had never considered it an option. Even before the storm, there were kids in my year that lived at the community home and they would come to school looking lifeless. Sure they were alive, they were fed and clothed but they didn't have that vivaciousness that children our age were supposed to have. I could not and would not subject Holly and Ash to that fate.

In the end, it was Linden that told Holly and Ash that mom and dad weren't coming home. Ash held out hope for another day before he couldn't deny any longer that something bad had happened. When he asked if mom and dad were ever coming home again, I tried to answer him. I had resolved to answer the question calmly when it came. But when the time actually arrived there was wood block that mysteriously appeared in the back of my throat and I couldn't speak.

Linden spoke up after a minute or two of my mouth hanging open silently. He was calm and soothing, as I had intended to be, but that didn't really make the situation any easier. Holly was only three at the time and for a while she kept looking out the window every morning as if she expected mom to be hanging laundry on the line out front. Ash, only six years old, holed up in the bedroom for days. I didn't have the heart to force him to go to school and he stopped eating. I would sit outside the bedroom door at night while Holly slept on the couch.

At first I tried to talk to him through the door, making promises I didn't know whether I could keep or not, but eventually I fell into silence. I didn't know what I could say to heal what had been broken inside of him so I stopped trying and was just there for him when he was ready or decided he needed me. I figured it's what I would have wanted if I were in his position.

And just when I thought that our lives would never be normal again, Ash came down from his room and ate dinner at the table with us. After that, Holly and I started sleeping in the room all three of us children shared again and she only occasionally rushed to the window in the morning. Maggie taught me how to do laundry and sew rips in the kids' clothes. I still had to attend school and Maggie would watch Holly until I got home.

My parents had managed to save away a bit of money from their earnings every week. This, it turns out, was a lifesaver for us. I was always confused why my parents would save the money even though I was still signing up for tesserae but I realize now that they had seen enough starving orphans left behind after freak accidents in the lumber yards that they wanted a stockpile for us just in case. I started to strictly budget what money we did have and by using my parents' money on top of what little I could manage to bring in we were able to live in relative comfort.

On the weekends, Linden and I would go into the woods and foothills to gather. My father had taught us all the trees and bushes that we could use. We tapped maples in the fall for the syrup, gathered bark from birches for kindling, and berries from a variety of plants in the spring and summer.

Linden had also been learning how to set traps to catch the small game wandering about the woods and foothills. Higher up in the mountains there were fences that kept out the big game like bears, wild dogs, and deer. But rabbits, squirrels, grooslings and the occasional turkey could be found in the foothills on any given day. My father had always been quite good at catching game but Linden had only just begun learning when my parents had died. Occasionally Linden would set a trap that managed to catch something, but on most trips they would come up empty.

Even with this difficulty, we managed quite well. The foothills were abounding with edible plants for three of the four seasons. Maggie had taught me how to preserve some of the roots and berries that helped us get through the winter months.

It wasn't easy by any means. The second winter after my parents died was the toughest. For about a week, we had only a loaf of tessera bread to live on. But somehow things always managed to work out. I learned how to haggle with the people in town to get what we most desperately needed. Eventually we settled down into habits again; some new and some old, but we managed.


	3. Chapter 3- At Daybreak

**AN: **Hello again everyone! Here is the third chapter and finally it's taking place in the present. I hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I'm not Suzanne Collins so unfortunately I do not own the Hunger Games. I'm just using the amazing world she created to tell another character's story!**

**Part 3- At Daybreak**

I wake up just as the sun is peaking over the mountains and slip out of the bed I share with Holly. I brush a blonde curl away from her face and stare at her for a while. She's five now and still the sweetest little girl I have ever met. She has big green eyes that melt my heart every time she looks at me and is as fair as the first snowdrop blossoms in spring. She looks like the miniature image of our mother. I on the other hand have thick, wavy, honey blonde hair that reaches my shoulder blades and dark blue eyes. Linden always says they look like the brook when it freezes over in the winter. I'm olive skinned like my father, which is aided by the fact that I spend so much time outside in the foothills where the sun beats down on me.

Ash stirs across the room in his own bed when I walk to the small dresser we have. He's eight now and still wakes up at the drop of a pin. "Camellia?" He mumbles, still half asleep.

"I'm going out to the foothills with Linden this morning, Ash. It's early. Go back to sleep." I whisper as I pull out a worn pair of pants and a hunter green tee shirt.

Ash perks up a bit when he hears the foothills, "Can I go with?"

"No. I need you to stay in case Holly wakes up before I get back." I whisper pulling pants on under my nightgown.

"Fine." He sighs and turns over in bed. I pull off my nightgown and quickly pull on my shirt with a shiver. It's still chilly since it's early March but I'm hoping it will warm up by the time we get to the foothills. "Camilla," I hear Ash mumble through his pillow, "Happy birthday."

I give a little smile even though he can't see me, "Thanks, Ash." I whisper and cross the room to give him a peck on the back of his head. He looks nothing like me. He always looked like our father the most. He has dark full curls, bright green eyes and olive skin. He looks like the classic District 7 resident. "I'll see you later and I'll bring something good back for dinner." All he does is grunt and I know that he's drifting back to sleep already.

I walk down the creaky stairs and stoke the fire before I grab some tessera bread and honey. I glance at the room behind me as I grab my jacket and walk out the door. I always love the way it looks at daybreak- so quiet. This house has been in our family since my great-great-grandfather built it. It's old and parts of it are worn down but I'm thankful everyday that my family owned it. There is no way I could have come up with the money to pay loans on it to the Capitol. The downstairs is completely open. The kitchen takes up the east wall and the living room the west. Upstairs are two bedrooms; one that us kids use and one that hasn't been touched for three and a half years. Maggie had been the one to go in and clean up my parents' room after they died. It hasn't been touched since and the door is always closed. I can't stand the thought of moving anything. I'm afraid I'll forget them. Holly can hardly remember them and sometimes Ash has nightmares where he can't find them in the market because he can't remember their faces.

I walk around to the back of the house breathing in the cool morning air. The snow has all gone early this year and the grass is dewy. There is only a short distance between the back of the house and the forest line. I cross it and walk about a hundred yards in before I can hear the hum. The bees are already up and working this morning.

My mother had started raising hives when she was just about my age and she'd taught me since about the time I could walk. This, it turns out was one of the most important things she ever taught me. I was able to collect and sell the honey to people in town, which was a source of income I could count on. I didn't have a hood on this morning and it wasn't time to harvest honey but I always loved to visit them. Their hum would lull me to sleep during the heat of the day when I was younger and I would take a nap in the woods while my mother worked away. I find myself walking out to the hive more often than I need to just because of the sense of comfort that I feel there. I spend a few minutes just listening to their humming before I head back to meet Linden.

I walk back to the porch of the house and balance myself on the railing to wait. And I don't have long to wait. I'm just eating the last of my bread and honey when I feel someone staring at me. I look up and break into a smile immediately.

"'Morning." Linden says and returns my smile. "How does it feel to finally be an old lady?" He asks me with laughter in his voice.

I roll my eyes, "I feel the same as I did yesterday." He crosses the yard and stops when he reaches me still perched on the porch railing. He wraps his arms around me and lifts me down to the ground in a quick, smooth movement but he doesn't unwrap his arms once I'm safely settled on the ground. Instead he pulls me closer.

"Eighteen." He whispers down into my ear, "That's a big one."

"Only one more reaping." I whisper back as I bury my face into the folds of his shirt and breath him in. He pulls me back by the shoulders after a moment and looks at me with a content grin. "What?"

"Nothing." He says as one hand comes up to my hair and he weaves his fingers into it gently before he bends down and brushes his lips against mine. They're soft and warm as they move lazily against mine. I smile as I return the kiss.

I don't know when exactly our relationship shifted. Sometime after my parents' died it became apparent to both of us that there was more than friendship there. Linden was there whenever I needed him, often not leaving our house for days at a time to make sure I was okay. On the days that I could barely keep it together, he would take over for me so the kids had some kind of structure in their lives.

It was a warm summer night when we first kissed. Earlier in the evening Holly and Ash had skipped around in the yard catching lightning bugs as dusk fell. Linden had taken them in to bed and I'd stayed behind sitting on the porch watching the lightning bugs drift across the yard. He'd come back and sat next to me in silence for a while. When I turned to look at him, he was already watching me with a soft look on his face.

Much like today, I bluntly asked, "What?"

"Nothing," He said and after a moment added, "You just looked like you again. The old you. The one who smiled more and laughed and played. There for a minute you looked like you weren't worried about anything."

There was a long pause before I asked, "Do you miss her? The old me?" It was strange to be talking about myself like that but I knew what he meant. I was different now that I had to take care of Holly and Ash. There was a lot more to worry about. I wasn't sure, even as the words left my mouth, that I wanted to know his answer. I couldn't go back to being the carefree girl he grew up with. So if he did prefer that old girl, I would be stuck with the knowledge and no way to change the situation.

He shook his head slowly and stared out at the yard, "Nah. She's still part of you. Just a smaller part. Now I just have to appreciate when you do smile and remind you to worry a little less every now and then. But I love this girl. The one you are now. I wouldn't change anything about you."

I stared at him for a while. I didn't know what I should say to that. The conversation had taken a twist, going from unusual to bizarre. Was he serious? How could he honestly prefer this girl who worried so much and wore dirty clothes because she couldn't find the time to keep up with all the laundry on top of the other housework and school. I wasn't even sure _I_ preferred this girl. And what did he mean by love?

I didn't have to wait long to find out. Linden turned his gaze back to me and leaned in. It wasn't anything mind-blowing. Just a soft brush of his lips against mine before he pulled back and leaned his forehead against mine. "I do mean love. I always have. It just took me a while to realize it. Is it too strange?" He asked.

I let my eyes meet his for a moment and without thinking I found myself whispering, "No, it's not." And then I closed the short space between us and kissed him again. The kiss was still soft but this time there was something more as his lips moved against mine. It felt like there was a fire between us that had nothing to do with the heat of the summer night. My hands curled up on his chest and grabbed at his shirt to pull him closer as he wrapped one hand around my back and the other in my hair. When I finally broke away for air, my lips felt numb. "It's not strange." I said breathlessly. "I think I love you too, Linden."

He just smiled at me in response and gently brushed my jawbone with his thumb. He didn't say a word after that. He didn't need to. And neither did I. We sat on that porch with each other until night began to settle and the early morning animals began to rustle about signaling that dawn was fast approaching.

I can remember wishing the sun wouldn't rise because I was afraid this was all a dream; some freak accident caused by the night. But as Linden stood to leave he brushed one last kiss across my lips and I knew that it wasn't a dream after all. The morning light would not be able to banish this night from our memories. I was Linden's girl now and I didn't ever have to be afraid of losing him. I knew he would never abandon me.

After that night, Maggie caught on pretty quick, which just as quickly ended the overnight stays at my house. But on the worst nights, when I couldn't get the images of my parent's deaths out of my mind, Linden would sneak away and he would run his hands through my hair until I could fall asleep.

Ash took a bit longer but figured out soon enough that there was something "icky" going on between us. This may have been a direct result of him walking in one morning while Linden was saying good morning to me in the kitchen. He came around without too much sweet talk though once he realized Linden would be around to take him out deep into the woods to gather. Holly was thrilled of course because Linden was her favorite storyteller and now he was around even more than before.

When we pull apart today, he stares down at me for a while. I look away, "What?"

He laughs, "Nothing, Camellia. Can't a guy look at his girl on her birthday?"

"You weren't looking you were staring. People stare when you've got something wrong with your face." I say blushing as I look down.

This really get's him laughing and I love his laugh. It's so full of life and it carries on the wind. I imagine if the old trees in the forest were to laugh they would sound a lot like Linden. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with your face." He says breathlessly once he can stop laughing long enough and adds, "You're perfect."

This really makes me blush. Linden is always saying things like that. We've been together for three years and he can still catch me off guard with his easy compliments. I am pretty I suppose but I don't look like most of the girls in District 7. Most have dark hair and green eyes. I stick out like a sore thumb in crowds with my blonde hair and my eyes always mesmerize people. I have to admit; I've never met anyone with the same shade of blue before. I don't know where I got them from since my mother's were brown and my father's deep evergreen.

I am pretty yes, but far from perfect if you ask me. My hair wont curl but it wont lay straight either. None of the girls in District 7 wear their hair wavy like mine because it looks so silly. I have scars all up my arms and legs from my long days gathering among stinging nettles and thorny bushes. I usually have bags under my eyes since sleep never comes easy while I'm making lists of everything I need to take care of. I generally don't think much about it though. Linden thinks I am pretty enough- perfect apparently- and his is the only opinion about my appearance that I really care about.

"You are beautiful." He reiterates before he takes my hand and steps back so we can walk next to one another. "Wait until you see what Mom and I got you for your birthday." He says with a mischievous grin.

"Linden, I told you I didn't want anything." I reprimand but I expected as much. He never listens when I tell him I don't want to celebrate my birthday with presents.

He shrugs in response, "Well, I tried to tell my mom but you know how she is." I do know. And I also know how he is. Make no mistake about it; this wasn't just Maggie's idea. Linden is just as guilty as she is. I laugh easily and he smiles knowing that his lie has been called out. "You will love it though." He adds after I stop laughing.

"Fine." I concede and change the subject, "What do you think? Going to catch anything today?"

Linden gives a little grumble, "I hope so. I'm getting sick of wintergreen berries and dandelion shoots. No offense."

"None taken. I could go for a birthday rabbit myself."

"Here's to hoping then."

AN: I hope you liked it! If you did, feel free to add this story to alerts so you receive notifications when it updates. Reviews are greatly appreciated! Also, I am on tumblr by the name of theuglygroosling. Feel free to follow me there and drop a line in my ask!


	4. Chapter 4- The Robins Are Watching

Part 4- The Robins Are Watching

As we enter the woods we split off following the two lines where Linden had placed traps yesterday afternoon. I check the three snares he'd set along my side. One had been tripped but whatever had set it off got away and the trap hangs empty. I reset it and walk out to the old gray rock that we always meet up at. Linden catches up in no time at all.

"Nothing on my side." I say as I turn around to look at him and see he's smiling.

"Got one!" He says proudly holding up a groosling. His eyes twinkle with happiness and I can't help but laugh in excitement. It's been about a week since a snare caught anything and without the game from the traps neither of our families can afford meat.

"That's really excellent Linden! Ash will be excited. He's been begging me to bring back meat."

"Hitting a growth spurt then?" Linden asks with a knowing smirk.

I nod, "No matter how much I manage to get on the table he's still hungry."

"Well at least tonight he'll hopefully be satisfied." He replies as he hooks the groosling to his belt. He'll save the gutting until we get home later this morning since he's been teaching Ash how to do it.

"Let's go this way." I point to our left, "Last year there were a lot of wild onions out that direction." Linden nods and we walk for a while in silence. The winter sparrows are up and singing and a few robins sing in the trees as well. This winter had been the shortest one I could remember which is good since the money my parents had left us was nearly gone and the more we gather the less we need to spend on food.

A mockingjay settles on a branch a few yards ahead of us and chirps a sweet tune. Linden whistles something sweet back, which it picks up and starts to sing hopping from tree to tree staying just in front of us.

"Remember when you used to sing to the birds when we came to the woods?" He asks me breaking the silence between us. I glance at him slightly surprised he brought it up. I used to sing when we were just kids and my dad would take us both into the woods on the way to the foothills. I stopped singing altogether around the time my father died and I took over the entire process of gathering. I nod in reply.

"You should sing again. Maybe not today, but someday." He says in a low voice. I couldn't tell if he was being quiet to keep from scaring off our mockingjay friend or in the hopes that saying it quietly wouldn't upset me.

"Why?" I ask, "It doesn't help me gather. In fact, it's really a distraction."

"The birds loved to listen to you." He states simply as if it were the most important reason in the world that I should keep singing to please the birds. Then as if it's an afterthought he adds, "And so did I."

I stare at him for a moment taking his request seriously. But I can't do it. I can't bring myself to sing those songs anymore because my parents taught them all to me. I can't sing any of the songs I know without remembering them, which makes my chest throb so I can't breath, which, in turn, makes it impossible for me to sing.

"Well, good thing the birds don't dictate how much I gather in a day then." I say trying to make my voice sound light and joking but it comes out sounding strangled to me. I don't look at Linden for a while and we both stay silent until we reach the wild onion patch and, to our delight, we discover the winter purslane has sprouted up too. We both start digging away collecting the leaves and tubers of the winter purslane and pulling up the onions, which are still tiny bulbs but will taste good just the same. We gather enough for my birthday dinner tonight and throw them into the sack that Linden has brought along.

"Already have a good haul and we haven't even made it out to the foothills." He says as he swings the sac over his shoulder, "Should we still go all the way out there?"

I look up at the sky through the branches of the trees towering above us, "Yeah. It's the first clear day of spring."

"It's still early March, Camellia. How do you know it's spring already?" He asks and I can hear the smile in his voice before I lower my gaze to see it.

"I can _feel_ it." I reply with a smirk, "Can't you, Linden?" I ask imitating his voice.

"Hmm." He rumbles through pursed lips and steps closer to me, "Not sure. What does it feel like?" He raises his eyebrows at me. He's being cheeky and I know it but I answer seriously anyway.

"I don't know. The fog seems... dewier." He takes another step towards me and wraps his arms around my waist. My hands naturally move to rest on his chest and I look up at him.

"Dewier? Really?" He says with a straight face but I can see the twinkle in his eyes. "What else?"

"The ground is softer and it makes the air smell like dirt." I reply automatically.

"Hmm." He says again burying his face in my hair and I feel his lips brush my neck. "Sounds lovely."

I smile as I ask, "And you want to know the last thing?"

"Mhmph." He replies now kissing at the base of my collarbone.

"The robins are here to watch." I whisper. This takes a moment to register before he stops his work and looks up at me. His pupils are dilated but his eyebrows are scrunched in confusion.

"What?" He asks and I point to a pair of robins perched on the nearest branch staring contentedly at the two of us. His brow relaxes and he gives out that slow rumbling laugh that I love. My stomach flips when it hears it and I tug him down by his shirt so our lips are just barely apart.

"But I don't think they mind." I add with a wicked smile before I close the space between us. It starts out soft my lips brushing against his gently and then the fire starts between us again. I pull him closer; my hands still resting on his chest. His left hand wraps around my waist as his right rests at the nape of my neck gently pulling me closer to him and I comply easily. My body burns wherever he touches me and I start to feel myself drifting away from the forest to a place where time doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is Linden and this fire he's started in me. I let out a sigh as he starts a trail of kisses down my jaw line. He lets out a low grumble that comes from deep in his chest which I know since I can feel it on my hands.

I bring my hands up and curl my fingers in the back of his hair but something pulls me back from our world. I open my eyes and see a mockingjay start whistling a note that sounds similar to the sigh I had just given. Clearly the woods didn't want us to be alone today. I slide my hands back to Linden's chest between us. I can feel the heat coming off us both but I push lightly on him anyway.

"Linden," I whisper. He let's out another rumble from deep in his chest. Clearly he was still in our own world. "Linden, we should go. We need to get back soon and we still have a bit of a walk to the foothills." This time, he responds with a grumble that sounds more pleading. He kisses back up my jaw to my lips and opens his eyes to look at me as he rests his forehead on mine. His eyes are glazed over but the corners of his mouth turn up a bit.

"I'm sure Ash wouldn't mind if we were a bit late. I'll be bringing a groosling along after all." He says which brings out a mischievous grin. His arms are wrapping further around my waist trying to bring me closer again.

"Nice try." I say giving him a peck on the lips before I step away from him. "But that's all the more reason to get home sooner rather than later. That thing needs to be gutted soon. And anyway our mockingjay friend is back. I don't particularly enjoy hearing it attempt to echo me."

Linden looks up and sees the bird. As if in response to hearing us talk about it, the bird whistles the note that sounds like my sigh, which elicits another deep laugh from Linden. "That's pretty damn good." He chuckles, "Sounds just like you."

"It does not!" I state in disdain.

"It really does." He maintains with a wide grin.

"No it doesn't!" I retort again but I can't stop the smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

"It does and I should know since I'm the only one you make that sound for." He states resolutely as he starts walking in front of me.

I have to take a couple of wide strides in order to catch up with him and when I do I can see the dopy grin on his face. All I can manage as a counter argument is, "You are ridiculous, Linden Hollbrook."

He gives a chuckle, "So, in other words, I'm right, Camellia Goldenlarch." I give a grumble in assent as we continued our journey out to the foothills.

It's not really a long journey and we get there in about a half an hour. The sun is up well above the mountains now and light spills over onto the hills. The snow has gone leaving behind flattened yellow brown grass that makes the hills shine golden in the morning sunlight. We hike down to the pond that lies between two hills. It has water year round that comes from up in the mountains. The brook that comes off of the pond is the same one that runs near our homes.

The cattails are flourishing along the eastern edge, which is where we immediately head. The water is still ice cold since it's fed from the melting snow up in the mountains but we're able to dig up plenty of roots for dinner tonight. I will admit I don't help much as Linden digs into the cold mud to pull up the plants but I sit along the edge of the water instead and take in deep breaths of the early spring air.

There's a cool breeze blowing through the hills but already the morning is heating up and the dew is burning off. I can practically smell the plants coming back to life. I lean back and soak up the sun while I listen to the tiny waves that Linden is making in the pond lap up onto the muddy shore. In the distance, I can still hear the birds in the woods and every so often a few fly overhead singing beautiful songs as if they too are grateful for the short winter.

I hear something move next to me and open my eyes. Linden has joined me; eyes closed and already laying down with his arms crossed behind his head. I watch him for a while. He looks so perfect at this exact moment as the breeze tousles his thick black hair that Maggie is always begging him to slick down. As it is, his hair sticks out in every direction but I wouldn't want him to change it a bit. The sun highlights his long nose and strong, square jaw line. And if I look close enough, which I am, I can barely see the dusting of freckles that line his cheekbones.

I'm staring quite intently for some time, which I suppose, is why I jump a little when Linden opens his eyes and catches me. I look up at the blue sky where puffy white clouds move lazily, trying to cover up that I was staring at him.

"What?" He asks imitating my voice from earlier this morning.

"Nothing. Can't a girl look at her guy on her birthday?" I ask in a deep voice that sounds nothing like Linden's but makes him smile just the same.

He gives a sweet smile that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners, "What were you looking at specifically?"

"Specifically?" I repeat. He nods and without much thought I answer, " Your freckles."

"My freckles." He repeats flatly. "I do _not_ have freckles."

"Yes you do, Linden." I counter then add. "Right along your cheekbones and they're perfect."

"Oh. Well," He says lifting himself up onto one elbow, "In that case, if they're perfect, I suppose I do have them."

I laugh and he gives another wide smile as he wiggles his eyebrows which only makes me laugh harder. "You don't have freckles." He states.

"I don't." I agree.

"But you have eyes that are as alive as the water in the brook and hair that looks like the tall yellow grass on the hills in the summer." He says in a serious tone. I roll my eyes and turn my head in the opposite direction so he can't see the blush rising to my cheeks.

"Please, Linden. You're going to make me sick with all the sweetness." He laughs at this and turns my chin so that I'm facing him again.

"Is it so wrong that I think you're perfect?"

And there he goes again. I have no idea how to answer that. Yes, it's wrong because I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. For example, the perfect girl would know how to properly answer or deflect this question. No, it's not wrong because I want him to think that I'm perfect so he will never want or need to leave me. No, because if I'm perfect I'll always have Linden and I'll always be safe.

As it is, I just lie there looking at him and say nothing. The pause is long enough that he sighs and says, "Well, you should at least let me think so on your birthday. Even if you don't think that it's true Camellia, I do think you're perfect."

"We should get going," is my only response to the entire conversation. And I stand up brushing my back off. Linden rises as well shaking his head slightly and picking up the bag and groosling he'd set down by the pond.

"Linden?" I ask as we start walking back across the hills.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." I say in a hushed tone just loud enough to hear over the stream and breeze.

"I love you, Camellia." He whispers as he reaches for my hand.

I let my fingers lace with his before I answer, "I love you, Linden." The rest of the way home we walk in silence enjoying the feeling of one another's hand and listening to the mockingjays copy all the other morning birds in the forest.


	5. Chapter 5- Mr Finnegan

A/N: Hello everyone! Here's part five; it's a bit of a fluff chapter but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I should update again sometime soon. I would love to get a review from you, anonymous or otherwise, since the story stats are down and I can't see who's reading!

Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I own nothing!

**Part 5- Mr. Finnegan**

Before we even reach the edge of the woods, I can hear Holly squealing excitedly in the yard.

"Holly," I hear Ash say exasperatedly, "You're supposed to stay hidden until I find you. You can't just jump out as soon as I pass where you're hiding."

I smile and see that Linden is too. Ash is a great big brother. He doesn't mind watching Holly and he tries to be patient with her as much as any nine year old can be.

"Okay, Ash." Holly says sounding equally as exasperated, "But what if you don't find me? How will I know to come out?"

"I'll always find you, Holly." Ash replies, which is true. Holly is still in that phase where she thinks she can stand behind a twig and be well hidden.

"But what if you don't?"

"Then I'll yell for you to come out and you can jump out and surprise me." He suggests. This apparently is a satisfactory response since I hear Ash start counting shortly after.

We reach the edge of the woods just as Ash reaches twenty and he spots us as he opens his eyes. After a moment's delay, he also spots the large groosling hanging from Linden's belt.

"All right!" He cheers, "Groosling! How did you catch it, Linden?"

Holly jumps out when she hears Linden's name and she's squealing again. She's a blur of blond curls as she runs out from behind an evergreen trunk, "LINDEN!" She cries out as she wraps her arms around his legs. She always acts like it's the first time she has seen Linden in days; one would almost doubt that she sees him nearly every day at least once.

He laughs good-naturedly though and looks down at her, "Good morning, Holly. How are you?"

"Good!" She chirps enthusiastically giving him her biggest smile that lights up her entire face.

Linden looks to Ash and says, "One of the snares we set yesterday afternoon picked it up. Looks like we're getting better."

"Either that or just lucky." Ash says as he walks over to take the groosling from Linden's hands. "But I'm not complaining. Are you going to show me how to clean and gut it?"

"Sure." He answers and looks down at Holly still wrapped around his legs. "Do you want to help too, Holly?"

She shakes her head hard enough that her blond curls bounce back and fourth. I take the bag full of gathered roots and greens from Linden and suggest, "Then why don't you help me in the kitchen. We have a lot of plants to wash off."

"Okay!" She says contentedly, "Linden can tell me a story after we finish." She finishes as more of a statement than a suggestion.

I smile, "Maybe. We'll have to ask him and see if he feels like it, right?"

"Right!" She chirps back before releasing Linden and hopping up to the front door. I follow her as Linden and Ash head over to an old tree stump that they use when they gut out any game. By the time I enter the kitchen, Holly has already pulled a chair from the table up to the sink and is waiting for me to give her something to wash. I set the bag on the counter next to her and go stoke the fire up a little more. I pull out a large pot and put some water on to heat so we can all take warm baths before dinner tonight. This is always a special treat that we have on birthdays. Normally, we just wash in the tepid water after we let it sit for the day in the tub. The water from the tap only runs cold so it's always a process to have a warm bath.

Holly works away happily at the sink humming a silly tune to herself that she picked up at school. She loves school and makes friends easily so she is always coming home with new little rhymes that they taught in class or that the other girls sing in the schoolyard.

I on the other hand am quite the opposite. I don't have much free time during which I can hang out with friends so I find it a lot easier just not to have many. Laurel Richards is one exception to this though. We met not long after our parents had died. She had been left an orphan as well and, as she was an only child to begin with, she was alone and terrified. Her grandfather had taken her in shortly after the storm however and he had cared for her well.

She doesn't have many friends either, which I figure is probably because she's so jumpy. It's as if at any moment she's ready to take flight and that can put some people off; I don't mind it so much though. She's nice enough when she's not jumping and I found out that she loves beekeeping. During the hot weeks at the end of summer, when harvesting the honey becomes a fulltime job, Laurel comes out and helps me. She doesn't ask for anything but I always pay her off with a few jars of the honey, which she acts surprised about every year.

Laurel would be coming tonight as well to celebrate my birthday along with her grandfather, Cypress. He is a grumpy, hard old man who looks even older than he is due to his weather beaten skin from all those years in the mountains working. But I like him; I know he won't sugar coat anything and once one gets to know him you realize he has a dry sense of humor. Part of me forgives his grumpiness as well; it's not natural to lose one's child. The elders are supposed to die before the children and to have that natural cycle broken, well; it must wear a person down pretty fast.

I join Holly at the counter scrubbing away the dirt on the tiny onion tubers as she continues to hum. "What are you singing, Holly?" I ask out of curiosity. I never took the time to learn the schoolyard songs as a child because I found them silly even then. I much preferred the more complicated melodies and lyrics of the songs my parents would sing me in front of the fire. But Holly had never heard those songs, except for as a baby, so it made sense that she would sing whatever she heard. My mom used to tell me that singing ran in the family. Even as a child she would play about the yard singing little tunes of her own devising.

"Michael Finnegan!" She says excitedly rising up onto her tiptoes practically bursting with enjoyment. "Want to hear it?"

I can't help but smile at her. Her spirit is contagious to me. I nod and she starts in her sweet little singsong voice.

_There once was a man named Michael Finnegan,_

_He grew wiskers on his chinnegan,_

_The wind came up and blew them in again,_

_Poor old Michael Finnegan- begin again._

_There once was a man named Michael Finnegan,_

_Climbed a tree and hit his shinnigin,_

_Took off several yards of skinnigin,_

_Poor old Michael Finnegan- begin again._

I laugh as she continues on in her song tipping her head back and forth to the tune. Maybe Linden was right. I should try and sing again; Holly would love it so much.

"I think I get it now, Holly." I say through my laughter as she starts on what must be the ninth verse of the song. She stops and looks up giggling at me.

"It's funny right?" She asks and I nod yes in reply. She giggles again and leans onto her toes as if she's so proud she made me laugh that it's going to explode out of her.

She reaches for another root out from the bag but comes back empty handed. "Bag's done." She declares and rinses her hands off one last time before she hops down. She goes to the back corner of the house and pulls out a box full of wooden characters. Cypress whittles when he feels up to it and he loves Holly which means pretty much any time he visits, he brings her a new animal or figure to play with. She loves them, which makes me feel less guilty that I can't afford to give her one of the dolls like they sell in the market.

I sit down next to a pile of clothes on the floor that needs to be mended. Maggie taught me how to properly do it but I am still slower than molasses. I just about always have a pile somewhere in the house to work on.

"You know you shouldn't be doing that. It's your birthday," Linden says as he follows Ash through the door carrying the cleaned groosling. Then he adds, "You should be relaxing."

I give a short laugh at that, "Right. I don't remember the last time I spent an entire day relaxing."

"All the more reason." He says taking the needle and shirt out of my hands. He gives a short smile. "You should go and wash up. I'm here and I'll watch the kids. We can get this groosling cooking then too."

I sigh and stand up. He's right. The groosling always tastes better when it cooks over a low fire for an afternoon. I pull the pot of water off the fire and fill another from the tap then carry them both with me to the bathroom.

I let out a deep breath as I relax into the tub. I pull the bar of soap from the ledge and begin scrubbing away all the dirt and grim from gathering this morning. It feels wonderful but I hurry and wash thoroughly. I don't want the water to get cold before Ash and Holly can wash up. I get out and dry off my now fresh and pink skin before I slip into my nicest skirt and blouse. I help Holly wash her hair as she scrubs herself and then Ash takes his turn. He's always the slowest of the three, which is why he doesn't mind going last.

Linden already has the groosling on the fire so I brush out Holly's hair in front of the fireplace. As soon as I wrestle all the knots out of it she's off sitting next to Linden begging him to tell her a story. I stay where I am and comb out my own hair before I start to twist it up like my mother always did whenever we had a big event to get dressed up for.

"Well, what kind of story do you want to hear, Holly?" Linden asks from the couch.

"A good one," is her response, which she thinks is perfectly adequate.

Linden chuckles for a minute as he thinks. He picks an old story that my parents used to tell me and I'm sure theirs did before that. It's one about a brother and sister who are learning from their father about the plants in the woods. One night they both wander off from their father and get lost. They don't worry though because they've learned a lot. The little boy is overly confident though and doesn't double check with his sister about the plants before he starts to eat them.

He eats a bunch of pokeweed while his sister is off looking for linden tree leaves that she knows should be nearby. When she returns with a bunch of the leaves, she finds her brother very sick and asks what he ate. He points to what is left of the pokeweed and his sister cries out, "Pokeweed turns poison by the end of the summer!"

The sister finds another weed in the forest that her father had pointed to once telling them both if either of you ever eat something poison, this plant will be your only hope. The boy had scoffed at the time stating that that plant was only a weed and should be removed from all the land.

The girl gave that plant's leaves to the boy and he slowly started to feel better. Still weak, the brother and sister made their way home slowly but by the time they arrived back at their home, the boy was completely fine.

Linden finishes, "'Are you thankful now that you didn't have all of the plant killed?' the little girl asks her brother. 'Yes,' he replied and he began to grow the plant himself in the yard. From that day forward the boy never mocked a plant again whether it was a weed, root, or berry."

Holly smiles up at Linden, "I like that one."

"Me too. What plant was it they were talking about do you think?" He asks the same way my father used to ask me. This was the entire point of the story- to learn about the plant that was the antidote to pretty much any poisonous plant in the forest.

Holly scrunches up her eyebrows for a minute in concentration.

"Lion's Mane." Ash says from the doorway to the bathroom. He's still toweling his hair dry but he has a contented smile on his lips.

"Yeah!" Holly cheers. "It looks fluffy with all the tiny leaves."

"Right!" Linden says poking her in the sides and she giggles. "Where can you find it?"

Her face scrunches up again, "Umm- under the big trees that are old."

"It grows between the roots low to the ground. The small plants almost look like moss." Ash adds.

"Very good you two. You're practically experts already and you've hardly been in the woods."

"Well, they don't have a bad instructor." I say from my seat by the fire just as I'm finishing pinning up the last bit of my hair.

"Hmm," He mumbles looking over at me, "Maybe you're onto something."

I laugh and he keeps staring at me, "What are you staring at?" I ask self-consciously putting my hands to my hair in case there was a piece sticking straight up.

My reaction elicits a relaxed smile from him, "Nothing, Camellia, I just like your hair like that."

I roll my eyes, "I wear my hair like this whenever I dress up for something, Linden."

"I know." He nods in agreement, "But I still like it."

I roll my eyes again because I'm not sure how to respond. I don't take compliments well and I never have.

"I should get going." He says and stands up. "Especially if you want me clean for your birthday tonight." He adds with a smile.

I smile as he gives me a peck on the cheek before he crosses to the door.

"Bye, Linden!" Holly chirps as he walks out the door giving a wave as he goes. Ash walks upstairs mumbling about finishing something. Leaving just Holly and I resting quietly near the fire.

"Camellia?" She asks softly. I think she's starting to doze off which she still occasionally does after she's been outside running around a lot.

"Yeah, Holly?" I answer just as quietly.

"You love Linden right?"

I stare at her for a moment before answering, "Yeah. I do."

She gives a little smile. "Olive, from school, said that if two people love each other they're supposed to get married. Are you and Linden getting married?"

I stay silent for a bit contemplating the question. Of course I know Linden and I love one another but we have never really discussed marriage. We're still so young even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it with all the responsibilities we have.

"I don't know." I say honestly and add, "Maybe one day we will. Probably. I guess." This innocent question has brought about a whole new world that I have never taken the time to seriously think about. Would Linden really want to marry me? If he really thinks I'm as perfect as he says, I don't see why not. But then what? I'd still have Ash and Holly. Would he want children? If he did how could I ever deal with the Reaping? I already wake up in cold sweats some nights after dreaming about Ash being chosen.

Holly interrupts this terrifying thought process however. "I think you should. I like Linden. He makes you happy. You smile a lot at each other."

This makes me smile and the worries melt away, "Thanks, Holly. I'll keep that in mind." She dozes off after that and I pick up the mending again. I still have some time before anyone will be over and hopefully I can make a dent in the huge pile.

A/N: There you are! I hope you liked it. If you did, drop me a line by reviewing! If you did not, feel free to leave constructive criticism. If you want to receive notifications when I update, add me to your alert lists! Also, you can hit me up on tumblr by the name of theuglygroosling


	6. Chapter 6- Surprises

**Part 6- Surprises**

"Happy Birthday!" Laurel says breathlessly as she practically hops through the door, "You look beautiful!"

I laugh at her enthusiasm, "Thanks, Laurel. I'm glad you could come." I look over her shoulder and see a weather-beaten old man standing there with a dour look planted on his face. "Glad you could make it too, Cypress."

"Yeah, sure." He says waving off my thanks. "Is the little one around?"

"Back in her corner playing with your dolls as usual." I answer and he quickly moves off in that direction pulling a new figure out of his pocket.

"He really does love visiting Holly." Laurel says and I see she's watching them as well. Then she turns to me, "What can I help with?"

"If you want, you can fry up the onions and winter purslane. I'll take care of the groosling." I say waving my hand toward the stove.

"Groosling?" She asks excitedly as she walks over to start heating the frying pan.

I nod, "Linden's snare caught it just this morning. Good thing too. It's been over a week since we've managed to catch anything."

"Well, Grandfather will be pleased!" She says happily. "He loves groosling more than any other bird."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Linden's deep voice booms from the doorway causing Laurel to squeal and nearly spill the contents of the frying pan.

"Very nice, Linden." I say as I finish pulling the groosling from the fire with a joking smile. "You nearly lost us our dinner."

"Sorry about that Laurel." He says in response setting down a package wrapped in brown paper. "Hard to contain all the excitement."

"Happy Birthday, dear." Maggie says pulling me in for a warm hug and whispering, "You look lovely."

I smile, "Thanks, Maggie."

"Now, what can I help with here?" She asks looking around and settles for helping me carve up the groosling. Laurel finishes frying the onions and purslane at just about the same time we finish carving so everyone sits down at the table.

"Groosling, mmm." Cypress says as he pulls the platter towards himself. That's about as close to a compliment as I'd ever heard the man utter. Everyone at the table chuckles because I guess they're all thinking the same thing.

We eat until we're stuffed- even Ash. He leans back from the table, the last to finish, with a contented sigh and rubs his belly. "That was delicious." He says closing his eyes as if he's trying to imagine eating it all over again.

"I propose a toast now that Ash is sufficiently satisfied." Linden says sitting up straight again. "To Camellia, may this year be the best one yet. We all love you and I think I can safely say we are proud of everything you've done." He lifts his cup and the others all do to.

I feel a blush creep up my cheeks as I lift mine too muttering cheers and clinking my glass with the others. "Thank you all. I'm happy you could all come celebrate with us. It makes this birthday so special."

"Right," Cypress speaks up in his gruff voice. Clearly he isn't all that fond of the heartwarming moment taking place. "Can we open presents now and get this thing moving?"

"Grandfather!" Laurel reprimands but we're all laughing again.

"Surly old codger." Maggie says fondly and shakes her head. "What pressing matters do you have to attend to back home?"

He grumbles a bit but supplies no response. We all know he just wants to get back to his porch so he can whittle some more. But, for the moment at least, he seems content enough to sit and watch me open the gifts they brought.

Laurel hands me hers first, jerking the package at me excitedly. She's practically quivering. It's a book bound with two thin wooden covers full of paper she made.

"It's beautiful Laurel!" I exclaim running my hand over the pages. She's known for making some of the most beautiful handmade papers in the district. They would never use them in the Capitol but here in seven people like the character and skill of handmade papers. It lasts longer too so a book like this is good for recording important information I don't want to forget. The page I've opened to is slightly blue with what appears to be laurel leaves laid along the outer edge of the page. It's perfect and a true work of art, which no one else I know could make.

"You really like it?" She asks and I can see tears forming in her eyes.

"I love it!"

"That's quite a talent." Maggie says thoughtfully. You can almost see Laurel swell with pride as she gives a glowing smile.

"I'm so glad you like it, Camellia. Happy birthday."

"Next one." Cypress says pushing a small package into my hands. This is a surprise of sorts. I figured that the book was from him and Laurel since the cover had carving work done on it. I look at him a moment and the surprise must show on my face. "I can take it back if you want but it's already made and I'm not going to be using it so it would be a waste."

I pull the wrapping away and reveal a beautiful hair comb. I let out a gasp. My mother used to have one just like this that she would wear on special occasions. I turn it over in my hands. It's made of birch wood and has a camellia flower carved delicately on the handle. It's magnificent and looks just like the real thing.

"This is amazing, Cypress," I whisper running my hand over the wood.

"Yeah, happy birthday girl." He grumbles uncomfortably.

"Here," Laurel says coming around and working the comb into my hair. "Lovely." She says softly once she gets it into place.

"Ours next!" Holly squeals excitedly bouncing in her seat. Ash runs to the room upstairs but comes back down in a few minutes carrying an object I hadn't seen since my childhood.

"It's a wind chime." He says proudly. "We learned about them in school. I cut the wood on the days you and Linden went out to the foothills and Holly smoothed them out."

Wind chime. I remember now too. My father used to take me through Red's yard occasionally when we were in town. Red liked to make them as well and the wind would catch them on most days giving a lovely earthy sound to the air.

As Ash holds the wind chime up it moves slightly and the disks clink together. They sound just like I remember. "That's wonderful, guys! I love it! We can hang it up in the oak tree out back tomorrow morning."

"It sounds pretty doesn't it?" Holly asks with a clap of her hands. I nod and give her a smile. She's bursting with pride and Ash is trying to put on a cool appearance but I can tell that he is pleased as well. He hangs it up temporarily from the hook by the door where our coats usually hang.

Maggie slides the package she and Linden had brought across the table to me. I untie the rope that is holding the wrapping to reveal beautiful blue and white striped fabric. But after a moment I realize it's not just fabric; it's been sewn into a dress. I pick it up by the shoulders and let it unfold. I have no words for this present. It's stunning and clearly expensive. The dress looks like something that the merchant daughters wear not an orphan girl in the woods.

"Do you like it?" Maggie asks and I see her eyes are already twinkling.

"It's perfect," is all I can manage.

"I know you always say you don't want anything but you need a new dress. You've outgrown the one you wear now and you can pass it down to Holly when she's old enough." She explains but she doesn't need to. She's right; I just couldn't justify spending money on clothes for myself when we had so little money to start with.

"I love it, Maggie, really. I can't thank you all enough." I say feeling entirely too emotional for my liking. I feel like anything could set me off at this point. "It's been a perfect eighteenth birthday."

We sit around talking for a bit but darkness begins to fall early since it's just the beginning of March. Cypress and Laurel bid us goodnight and Maggie leaves not long after. Linden stays behind promising he won't be far behind his mother. He and Ash talk specifics about the snare that caught the groosling earlier this morning while I relax on the couch next to them taking in the warmth of the fire.

I take Holly up to bed and as I'm coming back down the stairs Ash is going up to bed.

"Hey Ash?" I hear Linden call.

"Yeah?"

"Camellia and I are going to go for a little walk before I leave okay? Can you take care of Holly if she wakes up?"

"Sure." He says climbing up the stairs past me and gives a little smile. "'Night Camellia."

"Goodnight, Ash. I shouldn't be out too late."

"Better not or I'll come looking." He jokes in a tired voice. I ruffle his hair and watch him climb to the top of the stairs before I continue my descent.

"What's this I hear about a walk?" I whisper as I walk up behind Linden who's sitting on the couch facing the fireplace.

"Just thought it would be a nice way to wind down before we go to bed." He says rising. He brushes his hands through his hair quickly before handing me my coat and putting on his own.

We slip quietly out the door into the still spring night. A chilly breeze is blowing gently through the trees and I pull my coat closer. Linden picks up on this and puts his arm around my waist pulling me closer. We walk in silence for quite a while just enjoying the closeness of one another before I speak up.

"Thank you for today." I say softly, "It really was special."

He bends over to plant a kiss on top of my head. "You're welcome. But there's something else I wanted to give you. I didn't want to do it in front of everyone."

"Do what? I already told you I didn't want anything. What else could there possibly be?" I ask looking up at him.

He stops and faces me as he reaches into the pocket on the inside of his jacket and pulls something tiny out. He holds his hand out palm up for me to see it. In the moonlight I can see very clearly what rests in his hand and I look up at him, speechless and wide-eyed.

"I know we're still young but we're practically there already. I just thought this would be the next logical step." He says running his free hand through his hair. "It's okay if you don't want this now. I get it. I can wait. I just thought- well, I don't really know how to explain what I was thinking."

"Linden." I manage to whisper before I pick up the round circle from his hand. I can feel the tears starting to escape from my eyes without my permission. I swipe at them with my other hand.

"Camellia, if you don't want to, just say so. I promise I won't be mad. Don't cry." He's whispering now too and I can hear the pleading tone in his voice. He thinks he's upset me.

"Are you really serious?" I ask looking up at him and away from the ring for the first time.

He gives a nod, "More serious than I can ever remember being."

"When?" It's not a very specific question but he understands my meaning and it makes him chuckle.

"I don't know, Camellia. We can't do the ceremony until the fall when the sap is flowing anyway."

I look back to the ring. Clearly I'm in shock and a little voice in the back of my mind is wondering whether Ash and Holly were in on this since Holly had just broached the subject this morning. Of course we are young, but haven't we been practically raising two children since we were fourteen? And there is no one else in the world I want to spend the rest of my life with other than Linden Hollbrook. I know he feels the same way. So maybe he's right; maybe this is the next logical step.

"Does Maggie-"

"She knows. She helped me pick out the ring and I asked Ash and Holly too. They were all happy about it." He says and now there's something else in his voice. It's subtle but I know him well enough to recognize that he has something else on his mind.

Worry. He's worried that I'm going to say no. So I smile softly up at him before I slip the smooth oak band onto my finger. I stand on my toes and whisper, "Of course, Linden. Who am I to refuse the next logical step?" Then my lips meet his softly at first but as he pulls me closer there's a hunger in his kiss that makes my insides tingle. I'm so happy at that moment that I feel like I'm going to break into pieces and fly away if I don't keep kissing him.

A pack of wolves start to howl up in the mountains which brings us back to reality and we break apart. He leans his head against mine and we listen, to the other's breath, to the wind in the trees overhead, to the wolves calling out about a meal and to the sounds of hens clucking in the next yard over as they settle down to sleep.

It's perfect, this moment, just us two where no words are necessary to explain our love for one another. We need one another or at least I need him. I would never have survived the last three years and maintained my sanity without the knowledge that Linden was by my side without fail. And apparently he needs me too which I wasn't really certain of until I heard how worried he was when he thought I was going to reject his proposal.

He's right. This is right. We belong to one another and we have for a long time. A marriage will just make it official. In the fall, we will sign papers at the Justice Building along with dozens of other young couples. We will go to the woods and find a maple tree of our own and harvest the sap. Then a song will be sung and we will officially belong to one another in the eyes of District 7 and the Capitol.


	7. Chapter 7- Burning Up

**Part 7- Burning Up**

Ash is still lying awake by the time Linden walks me home and I've gotten ready for bed. I slip into the room as quietly as possible but my insides jump when I hear his quite voice from across the room.

"Did you say yes?"

"You're supposed to be asleep." I whisper back trying to sound stern but I can't contain the smile that works its way across my lips.

He can easily read between the lines and breaks into a smile that reflects mine, "Good. I'm happy for you, Camellia." He says earnestly then adds, "Plus, now Linden and I can go out to the woods all the time."

I chuckle quietly, "Go to bed you or you'll never want to get up for school in the morning."

He's tired and complies without argument as he rolls over and within minutes I hear his breathing deepen. I lie down next to Holly and wonder if sleep will come tonight. But tonight I know that it will not be nightmares keeping me up but the exploding happiness that will. Sleep comes surprisingly quick despite this fact and for once I sleep soundly through the night.

…

I wake early the next morning and spend those few glorious extra minutes huddled up under the warm blanket enjoying the feeling of being well rested for once. I see the sun start to stream weakly under the curtains and sigh as I stretch and get out of bed. We all have school this morning and I know Ash won't want to get up after staying up late last night.

He's awake already by the time I cross the room to his bed; I can tell by his breathing. I shake his shoulder anyway and he gives a pathetic groan as he rolls over closer to the corner of his bed.

"Come on, Ash." I say in a soft voice, "You have to get up." All I get is another tired groan in reply. This happens pretty much every morning so I dress for the day and brush my hair out before shaking him again.

"Ash. Up. Now." I say firmly as I shake his shoulder hard.

"Ugh." He says and flips over. "Can't we skip school this one time?"

"No, you'll just say the same thing tomorrow. Up!" I say crossing to where Holly lay curled up in a tiny ball. "Holly, sweetie. Time to get up."

She gives a little whimper but holds out her arms to me. I lift her out of bed and set her standing on the floor. She still doesn't open her eyes as she crosses to the dresser and pulls out whatever clothes are on top of her pile in the drawer. She slowly starts to pull them on and her eyes begin to open just a crack.

"Good morning, Holly." I say and she closes them up again right away. She's never much of a morning person and I'm starting to think that it might just run in the family. Getting up early really doesn't bother me, but maybe that's just because I have no choice.

"Ash!" I warn now louder than before. "If you aren't out of bed and downstairs by the time I have breakfast on the table, I'm going to drag you to school in your pajamas."

This gets a response and he rolls unceremoniously out from under his covers to drop loudly onto the floor. I roll my eyes at the dramatics but take Holly by the hand and lead her downstairs. I hand her some tessera bread and honey for breakfast as I brush out her hair. She whimpers a bit when I hit some knotty patches but otherwise is silent. Ash joins not much later and I sit to eat my bread with him.

Then as if some switch has been turned on inside of Holly, she turns to me as bright eyed and happy as she ever is and asks excitedly, "You and Linden are married now right?"

I look at her a moment then start to laugh, "No, Holly, not yet. We will be when the sap starts flowing from the maple trees in the fall."

Her lip juts out in response, "But Linden said he was going to give you a ring to get married."

"He did give me a ring, see?" I reply and hold my hand out for her to see the little wooden band encircling my finger, "But that just means we're engaged. We're going to wait a little while to get married."

"Why?" She asks softly, her voice full of disappointment.

"Because we want to get married the way mommy and daddy did; the way everyone does." I say. I don't add that the only people who get married before the fall sap season are those who need to be married before the baby starts showing.

This explanation seems to satisfy her though and she takes a bite of her bread munching happily.

We finish breakfast quickly and hurry off to school. It's about a two-mile walk and Linden meets up with us half way.

"'Morning!" He shouts as he jogs to catch up with us.

"Linden!" Holly squeals and runs back toward him. He scoops her up and carries her back with him. "You're not married yet but you will be!" She states jovially and seems proud that she's privy to this fact.

"That's right." He smiles as he leans down to give me a peck on the cheek.

"Me too!" Holly says firmly from his arms. He laughs and gives her a peck on the top of her head as he sets her down. She skips in front of us happily.

"And how are you two this morning?" He asks referring to Ash and me.

Ash grumbles, "Tired. I wanted to skip."

"And I wouldn't let him, obviously." I reply. He turns to me and I stick my tongue out at him. This causes him to smile as he quickly turns away again trying to hide it. "We're fine though. And how are you?"

"Wonderful," is the only word he offers as he reaches for my hand.

Ash turns to face us again, apparently recovered from his moment of weakness, and asks, "Are you going to the woods today, Linden?"

"Yeah, I want to set a few more traps." He says and notices Ash's hopeful look before adding, "You can come along too if Camellia says yes."

Ash fixes his dark green eyes on me with a pathetic look. I roll my eyes, "Fine. I'll stay home with Holly but you'll need to get some plants too."

"Yes!" He whoops and throws a fist in the air, "We will. Whatever you want, Camellia." Linden laughs and I smile a bit. Ash loves the woods as much as my father always did; he's a natural too. He always knows just where to look for a certain plant and despite all the difficulty trapping animals, the traps Ash sets catch animals more often than Linden's do.

By now, the school is in sight so Holly and Ash take off running to meet up with their friends as Linden and I walk leisurely behind. We don't say much of anything but he rolls the ring around my finger with his thumb and when I look up at him he has an odd half smile on his face as though he's in some other place.

He looks down at me, "Why are you staring at me?" He asks.

I don't know what to say. I hadn't been thinking anything as I watched him so I settle for the first thing that comes to mind, "I love you."

He breaks into a full-blown smile now, "I love you too," he says and plants another kiss on top of my head.

…

The weather continues to improve with each day of March that passes. New growth abounds in the forest and foothills making gathering significantly easier and even Linden's snares welcome greater success; nearly always catching something. Ash starts going out with Linden more often, leaving me free to work in the house. I still go out on the weekends but it definitely makes keeping up with the housework easier now that I don't have to help gather every day.

"Guys come in it's time for dinner!" I yell across the yard from the window. It's toward the end of April and I can't remember the last spring that was so warm and calm. Ash and Holly had been taking full advantage by playing outside every evening after school.

Ash is throwing axes with Linden at the old log my father had set up before he died. He's actually not that bad. He has a good aim and can hit the pole more often than not, which is far better than I can do. My father had tried fruitlessly to teach me to throw axes when I was about Ash's age but to no avail. This suits me just fine however since I have no interest in ever killing anything with an axe. I can wield a knife adeptly enough to protect myself in the woods if need be but I have no interest in gaining any more knowledge about fighting or throwing axes.

I look over at the old oak and see Holly sitting curled up under it. My brow creases at the sight. She rarely sits still after being in school all day. She gets up when she hears my call for dinner and walks slowly into the house.

"Is everything okay, Holly?" I ask.

She shakes her head, causing her curls to bounce.

I squat down in front of her and inquire, "What's going on?"

Her face crumples in response to the question and she meets my gaze with teary eyes, "It hurts," she whimpers.

"Where does it hurt, Holly," I ask my eyebrows knitting tightly together and looking her over. She points to her throat and starts crying. "Oh, Holly don't cry sweetie. Why don't we go up to bed and I'll give you some cold water to drink?"

She nods and wraps her arms around my neck, burying her face into the crook of my neck.

Linden and Ash are just walking through the door when I reach the stairs.

"What's going on?" Linden asks immediately, concern washing across his face.

"Holly's sick. I'm going to put her to bed and give her some water." I say continuing up stairs. She's still sniffling when I lay her down in bed but I can see her eyes drooping already. I feel her forehead with the back of my hand and it's warm so I give her a wet cloth as well. She sips a bit of water but doesn't drink much before she falls asleep.

"Is she okay?" Linden asks as I wash my hands before joining them at the table.

"She has a sore throat and a bit of a fever but hopefully that's it." I say with a sigh serving myself some rabbit stew.

"Do you think we should get Juniper?"

"No." I say shaking my head. Juniper is a well-known healer in District 7, "We can't afford to call a her in here every time someone gets a cold."

Linden nods in understanding. Even if my parents were still alive, we wouldn't be calling a healer to the house unless something was really wrong.

"So, Ash, it looks like you're getting the hang of those axes." I say changing the subject to something more cheerful.

He nods his head vigorously, "Yeah! Linden figured out why I was missing sometimes. I was holding them too far down. It's a lot easier to direct it now."

I nod in understanding. My father had always told me I held the axes wrong and that's why I would miss nine times out of ten. But no matter how many times he positioned my hand to throw correctly, I could never get it right on my own.

Linden adds, "With any luck you'll be ready to win the axe throwing competition at the fall celebration this year."

Every year, District 7 has a big fall celebration that coincides with the sap flow. When the weather is just right, the sap in the maple trees is ready to harvest and the celebration lasts for two days. This is also the time when couples get married- I still can't believe I'll be one of them this year. The first day is full of games for the children in the district like axe throwing and log rolling among other sports. The second day is mostly a day of trading fall goods and ends with a dance. Everyone looks forward to it as a way to mark the end of summer and the beginning of the rough months ahead.

Holly had always done well in pole climbing, though she preferred to climb actual trees, and Ash had tried to hold his own in axe throwing. He's improved significantly since last fall already so he has high hopes of winning this year.

Ash's face lights up at Linden's comment, "You really think so?"

"Sure," he answers, "We'll just keep working at it. You've got a knack for it though. I wasn't half as good at your age."

We finish up dinner quickly and I let Ash go practice with his axes for the last few hours of daylight. Linden helps clean up the dishes as we watch through the window.

"My father would have been so proud of him." I whisper, the words leaving my mouth without a second thought.

I feel Linden look down at me before agrees, "Yeah he would." It's not often I mention my parents. It still hurts deep in my chest whenever I think about them. I miss them more than words could ever explain. Linden understands that. I'm sure he feels the same way about his dad. And I think he feels the same way about my parents to a certain extent.

"He looks a lot like dad too." I don't know what is compelling me to talk about this now but I don't feel like I'm really in control of the words coming out of my mouth.

"My mom always says that Ash looks just like him when he was Ash's age. She says that Holly is the same way with your mom." Linden murmurs putting one of his hands on the small of my back. "It's like you have two living growing portraits of them."

My eyes meet his for the first time, "I still miss them so much. Every day." As I admit this I feel the stab in my chest that I always get when I think about it too much. I take a deep breath and I don't fight when Linden pulls me in for a hug, resting his chin on the top of my head.

"I know you do, Camellia." He says softly. I can feel his breath warm on my hair and I close my eyes tightly. "I miss them too. But you've been so strong. They would be so proud."

I don't move for a while and just concentrate on breathing. This is why I don't like to talk about my parents. It's so hard not to let the feelings take over even now four years later.

It's Holly's cry upstairs that pulls me back from my trance. I pull away from Linden, "I need to go check on her. Are you heading home?"

"I should probably." He says pushing his hands through his hair causing it to stick up even more haphazardly than it usually does, "Will you be okay? I can stay if you need the extra set of hands."

I shake my head, "No, it'll be fine. It's not like I haven't had a house full of sick kids before."

He gives a small smile at this and pulls me in for a kiss. It's sweet and short but still makes the stabbing go away, replacing it instead with warmth.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning?" He asks as he's walking out the door.

"At dawn." I reply and hurry up the stairs.

Holly is curled up in bed whimpering when I sit down beside her. I notice she's shivering so I pull the blanket up around her shoulders but as I do so I brush her arm with my hand.

She's burning up.


	8. Chapter 8- Juniper

**Part 8- Juniper**

Holly is burning up. I place my other hand to her forehead, which only confirms it. Her fever has spiked. I rush and draw some water from the faucet while I gather some towels.

"Holly, sweetie," I say as soothingly as I can, "Drink this water for me okay?"

She starts to cry harder and turns her head away from the cup I'm offering.

"It'll help you feel better if you drink, Holly, come on, just a little bit." I whisper holding her head up. She takes a few swallows before she jerks her head out of my grip.

"It hurts." She says and her voice is raspy.

"I know, Holly. I know but you need to keep trying to drink." I say wetting some of the towels. "I'm going to wash you up okay? It's going to feel cold but it will help you get better."

I take the first towel and wipe gently down her arm. She flinches at first and lets a tiny sob loose. I make hushing noises like my mother used to when I was little and sick. I do it partly to sooth Holly but I think mostly to keep me calm.

Holly has never been one to run a fever like this. Ash did occasionally when he was younger but she would usually just get stomach cramps and vomit. I don't know what she's caught but whatever it is I want to beat it quickly. I hate the way she is laying so lifeless. My little sister, the bright vivacious little girl, now looks pale and weak lying in a bed entirely too big for one tiny body.

I hear Ash climbing the stairs and try to wipe all emotion from my face. The last thing I need to do right now is worry him.

"How's she doing?" He asks from the doorway.

"Her fever's spiked. Her throat is really bothering her. Will you boil some willow bark and water?" I ask thinking that this may relieve some of the pain and fever.

He nods and hurries back downstairs while I finish washing Holly down with the tepid water. I can't honestly tell if it's doing any good or not but at this point doing something is better for me than sitting around hoping the fever will break. I sit on the edge of the bed and rub her back slowly. This lulls her into a semiconscious state while she hiccups softly from her earlier tears.

"Tea's ready." Ash says in a low voice setting the pot down and handing me a filled cup.

"Thanks, Ash." I say gratefully, "You should be getting to bed. Go ahead and take your blankets downstairs."

He gathers his things from his bed without complaint, "Goodnight. Let me know if you need me to help." He whispers before he closes the door behind him.

"Goodnight, Ash." I whisper but I'm sure he can't hear me as he makes his retreat downstairs.

"Holly," I whisper pulling her hair back and balancing her head up with my knee, "Ash made you some tea. It'll make your throat hurt less but you have to drink it for it to work."

She doesn't open her eyes but I put the cup against her lips anyway. She takes one swallow and nearly coughs it back up before she starts a new round of tears.

"I know it hurts Holly but this is the only way to make it feel better."

"It hurts- really- bad." She says between sobs and puts a hand to her throat.

"Do you want to make it feel a little better?" I ask her patiently. She nods yes. "Well, then I need you to drink this. We'll do it really quick okay?" She nods again and manages to drink half the cup before she is racked with sobs again.

"That's good enough for now, sweetheart. I'm going to wash you down again." I say sympathetically. She lays back and starts to doze off again. I can feel the night wearing on my body. It kills me to see her in so much pain when I can't do anything to help her.

I am washing her neck when I notice the funny red pinpricks on her skin. When I look more closely, I see that they spread down her arms especially where her elbows bend. It reminds me of something I had heard a long time ago when I was very little.

I was sick and my mother had sat me on the kitchen table while Juni looked in my throat. "What do you think, Juni? It's not scarlet fever is it? I heard the Jones' boys had it."

"They did. They lost the youngest one to it," The old woman nodded as she poked at my skin, which was covered in big red bumps. "This doesn't look like scarlet fever though. Scarlet fever has a pinprick rash that grows so close it looks like the skin is red. It's chicken pox."

"Oh thank goodness." My mother said and I can still remember the relief in her face.

"Just give her the willow bark tea you've been using and keep her from scratching. She'll be fine." Juni said and gave me a pat on the top of my head. "She'll be sicker than a dog for a few more days but no permanent damage."

I feel a stab of fear in my stomach as I recall the memory and I take a sharp breath in. This looks a lot like what Juni had described. I heard a bit about it once I was a few years older too. There was an outbreak of scarlet fever in the village and several merchants had lost children. I gently pull Holly's jaw down and look at her tongue. It's bright red. Strawberry tongue- my mind remembers hearing it called once.

"It's just a coincidence." I say quietly to myself, "I'm just making myself see what I want to."

I start to rub Holly's back again to try and keep my mind off of my earlier discovery. I sit there for a while and I'm just convincing myself that she must be getting better since she's been dozing for almost an hour when her body starts to shake.

I instinctually grab for the blankets and cover her to stop her shivering. But these aren't the shakes from shivering. Holly's arms start to thrash and knock the cup of tea off the bed where I had balanced it.

"Holly!" I call out to her but she's not able to answer. Her body continues to convulse as I try to keep her from hitting anything around the bed and hurting herself. "Holly sweetie, it's okay. I'm here." I say and I can hear the desperation clearly in my voice. "I'm here." I repeat knowing that it is myself I am trying to comfort.

Her spasms start to slow and I hear a creak on the stairs. Ash has woken up, probably because he heard me shout out to Holly. I'm still holding her hand and I can feel my own body shaking now. I take a few deep breaths before the door opens.

"Camellia?" He asks, his voice quavering.

"Ash," I say trying to make my voice as strong and soothing as possible but I can't tell if it is successful or not, "I need you to run and get Juni. Tell her Holly's sick and I- I think it's scarlet fever," I stumble trying to get the words out which makes me sound just as terrified as I am.

"Scarlet fever?" He asks and I can tell he's heard about it too. There hasn't been a bad epidemic in several years and he was young during the last one but he must not have been completely oblivious.

"Yes. And Ash?" I call to him as he's already hurrying down the stairs. "Don't come back here after. Go to Linden and Maggie's."

"But Camellia-"

"Please, Ash." I can hear the pleading tone in my voice and I know it makes it even more apparent how scared I am. "It's really contagious. I don't want you here. You might catch it too."

He gives me an uncertain look but then nods, "Okay. I will." He rushes down and out the door, then and I can only wait until Juni gets here. Hopefully she'll know what to do to save Holly. I catch myself thinking about losing her but I immediately stop myself. No. I cannot lose Holly. I will not. It is not an option.

As I sit holding Holly's hand, the wait seems like an eternity before the door to the house opens and footsteps hurry up to the bedroom. I look up to see a wizened old woman standing in the doorway with a grim look of concern etched across her face, Juni.

"Tell me everything." She says as she sits down on the edge of the bed and begins probing about and looking inside Holly's mouth.

The words come rushing out of my mouth in an instant and I can hear the terror in my voice turning to hysteria, "She was acting unusual before dinner and when she came in she said her throat hurt. She had a bit of a fever so I put her to bed with a cool cloth. When I came back up, her fever had spiked. I gave her tepid baths but- she- she started to convulse. I didn't know what to do. I just- held her. I noticed the rash on her neck and her tongue is bright red. I didn't believe it though."

Juni nods her head sharply, "It's not unusual for a child to have a seizure when she gets a high fever. That's what the convulsions were. We need to try and treat the infection. It's good you called me early. The longer it goes untreated the worse things get."

I nod still holding tightly onto Holly's hand.

"Bring my bag over here." She orders pointing at the small black bag in the doorway. I do and set it down on the bed. "Pull out the bottles labeled thyme and lavender."

I hand each to her and she reaches for the cup that was knocked off the bed earlier. She mixes the liquids from the two bottles in a very precise fashion then pours water over it from the teapot that has now gone cold.

"Holly, dearie, you need to drink this all up. It'll taste sweet so it hurts less on the way down." Juni says as she holds her head up and places the cup against Holly's lips. Holly complies initially even though she still hasn't opened her eyes but, just as she did before, she starts sputtering after a few swallows. Juni doesn't relent though and keeps pouring the liquid in, holding Holly's mouth shut until she swallows. This proves largely successful and Holly ends up drinking most of the mixture.

She lays Holly gently back who is only sniffling occasionally and seems too tired to communicate with us at all. Juni then fixes her gaze on me for the first time since she arrived, "That's the best we can do for now. She'll need to drink a cup of that every four hours."

"What does it do?" I ask.

"It helps kill the infection. And I suppose that was willow bark tea, not just water?" I nod as a response. "That will help with the fever and her throat. We just need to hope for the best now."

I look at Holly again and feel the tightness in my face, "There has to be something more that we can do." I say in a hushed voice.

Juni places a hand on my shoulder, "Perhaps if we were in the Capitol. They would have some medicine cooked up in some lab that could probably save her almost instantly. But this is the best we have. I've seen this tea work before, Camellia. All hope is not lost."

I feel the tears prickling at the back of my eyes and before I think about what I'm saying, "I hate the Capitol," I spit. The words taste like poison to me. I see surprise register on Juni's face and she instinctively looks over her shoulder but she doesn't say anything back.

I'm sure she's heard this many times from family members of dying loved ones; people who could be saved if they had the same technology as they do in the Capitol. But we don't here in District 7. As far as I know, they don't have that anywhere and so our people die in droves from diseases and illnesses that are just an inconvenience in the Capitol.

Juni's hand squeezes my shoulder lightly, "Come on, it's late. You need to rest downstairs."

"But Holly-"

"Will be fine." She finishes for me. "I'll be here with her and I'll wake you if anything changes."

She gives a soft push and I take a few steps. I am exhausted but I know that sleep will never come on a night like this. I do as she says though because Juni is just one of those people that it's hard to argue with.

As I lay on the couch staring into the dying fire, I find that perhaps I am more tired than I thought. My eyes begin to droop and I only manage to fight sleep for a few moments before I'm swept away from this house with so many terrible memories to the foothills where Ash and Holly are jumping after butterflies and Linden stands next to me with his arm around my waist.


	9. Chapter 9- Business

**Part 9- Business**

I hear Holly and Ash yelling before I spot them. There they are, farther off in the trees. They're chasing after one another and running between the trunks of the old pines. I turn away for a moment when I hear a songbird perched on a nearby branch singing a familiar song.

"CAMELLIA!" I hear the blood chilling scream and turn to where Holly and Ash were just playing but neither is in sight.

"Holly!" I yell back but it's not loud enough. I know she can't hear me so I run to where she was last but there's nothing there. No one.

"CAMELLIA!" I hear her scream again but this time is from my left. I take off running but again she's nowhere to be seen.

"Holly where are you?" I cry desperately before a scream pierces my heart and I can't breath. Something horrible is happening to her. I take off running blindly into the forest trying to scream her name but I have no breath left to do so.

I'm getting close, so close, to where her screams are coming from when something wraps around me. I look down and see that the roots of the trees have risen out of the ground and are slowly wrapping around me like dead fingers.

"CAMELLIA!" I look up the voice is right above me. But it's not Holly that the call is coming from. It's a strange black bird that looks into my eyes with it's careless glassy ones.

"Camellia! Wake up!" Juni is shaking me by both shoulders.

I shoot straight up gasping and try to catch my breath.

"You were having a nightmare. You were yelling and I didn't want you to wake up Holly." She says in her most soothing healer voice. I look at her and can clearly see the pity in her eyes.

"I'm fine." I say breathlessly. "It's my turn to watch her anyway." I say standing. My legs are shaky and I'm not sure how long they'll hold out so I walk away from her and quickly go to the bedroom where Holly is resting.

I take a seat on Ash's bed and lean my head against the wall. It's been a little over a week and Holly has only shown minimal signs of improvement. Her fever has dropped some and occasionally she'll eat something but most of the time she sleeps or wakes up crying because of the pain.

Her skin is starting to peel from where the rash is retreating. A couple days after the fever started, she looked like she'd spent days out in the sun her skin was so red. Now she has patches of red skin and light pink skin where the dead stuff has flaked off.

I must start to doze off again because my head snaps up when I hear Holly call my name. "I'm right here, Holly. What's wrong?"

"I'm hungry." She whispers.

"Okay, I'll go downstairs and get you some soup. I'll be right back okay?" She nods and I ruffle her hair lightly as I leave the room. When I bring the broth back up, she's sitting waiting for me, looking more alert than she has in days despite her hollow cheeks.

I place the bowel in front of her and she practically devours it. Once she's done she lies back down but doesn't close her eyes right away.

"Where are Ash and Linden?" She asks and I can hear the sleep rising in her voice.

"They're both at Linden's house right now. I don't want them to get sick like you." I say brushing my hand through her curls gently.

"Aren't you going to get sick?" She asks with a shake in her voice. Her eyes widen and look at me in fear.

I shake my head, "Juni doesn't think so. If I were going to, I probably already would have. And I'm older so it's harder for me to get sick."

This seems to provide some comfort and she closes her eyes. Her breathing evens out almost instantly and I know she's gone to sleep again. Juni comes up a little while later.

"She ate something then?" She asks hopefully.

I nod, "Like a wolf. She seemed more alert too."

"Good." She says sitting on the edge of the bed next to me, "Maybe the worst is over."

Holly wakes up again in the evening to eat. Juni and I both eat our dinners in the bedroom with her. She seems to enjoy this since normally we never eat in bed. She even asks for a few of her wooden figures so she can play a bit before bedtime.

Juni and I both sleep that night figuring that we are on the mend now. I take a bath the next morning before we wash down Holly who is still sleeping upstairs. I just finish brushing my hair out when there's a soft knock on the door.

I open it and find Linden standing on the porch. He should be at school, which is where I presume Ash is since he appears to be alone.

"Hi." He says softly with both hands shoved deep in his pockets. I join him outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. "How is everything?" His eyes are dark with concern and I can see dark circles under them that indicate he hasn't been sleeping well.

"Okay." I reply crossing my arms and leaning against the railing in front of him. "She's been eating regularly. She even played a little last night. Juni thinks the worst is over."

He blows a long breath out in relief, "That's good. How are you doing?"

I give him the best smile I can, "Fine." He looks at me knowingly, "Tired." I add.

He smiles comfortingly down at me, "I bet. I would hug you but I know you'll yell at me."

This does cause me to give a small smile, "Juni said that we should minimize contact. I might be carrying the infection right now. Until we can clean the house -"

"I'm not supposed to touch you." He finishes for me, "I know. You explained it."

"It's just really important the at this is contained. It could cause an epidemic." I recite what Juni had told me a few days after Holly had initially gotten sick.

"Right. And you're doing a great job so far. I wouldn't want to be the one to screw it up." He runs one hand through his hair looking out across the yard. "Is there anything you need? Food, or anything?"

I shake my head, "No. We haven't been eating all that much and we still have plenty of broth for Holly."

He nods, "I'll be back in a day or two then unless you send word otherwise."

"Okay. Thanks, Linden."

He gives a halfhearted smile, "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Tell Holly I said hello and to get better soon."

"I will." I promise. I watch him walk away until his body disappears in the tree line. I take one last breath of fresh air before I return inside.

Holly is sitting up in bed playing when I walk into the room.

"Who was that dear?" Juni asks.

"Linden. He says hi Holly." I say to her and she smiles happily as she continues playing.

...

Things continue to improve slowly for Holly. At first she spends more time up and playing in bed. After the second week, she made it down to the kitchen to eat dinner at the table. By this time, her skin was starting to smooth out again with only a few patches of skin peeling off.

One evening, three weeks after Juni had arrived, I jump as someone pounds on the door to the house. I hurry to answer it and find a middle-aged woman standing there. I recognize her face but I can't place a name to it.

"Can I help you?" I ask.

Her eyes dart around the living room frantically, "I heard Juni's here. It's my husband. He was chopping wood and the axe slipped. He cut his leg really bad and I can't get the bleeding to stop."

I nod and turn to get Juni but find she's already there, "You'll be fine without me for a while, Camellia. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Okay." I reply but she's already out the door and crossing the yard. It's getting late so Holly and I go to sleep for the night. I know it could be half the night before Juni returns if everything goes well so I don't bother waiting up.

Dawn is just breaking when she creeps through the door. I sit up on the couch, "How is he?" I ask and rub my hands over my sleepy eyes.

"He should pull through." She says setting her bag down. "Lost a lot of blood but he's a strong man. Has Holly been up at all tonight?"

"No, slept straight through." I get up to start some porridge for breakfast.

"I'll help her get her ready and bring her down for breakfast." The old woman says as she crosses the room. I can't help but notice how spry she still is for her age.

Juni still hasn't come back with Holly so I dish up porridge and decide to bring it to them in bed. It's been a long night for Juni and I know Holly won't mind breakfast in bed again.

I can tell something is wrong as soon as I enter the room. Juni is bent over Holly whose eyes are still unopened.

"Juni?"

She looks over her shoulder and I see the grim look on her face, "Her fever's back. And it's high again." She pulls the covers down and pokes gently at Holly's knees.

"Owww," Holly lets out a groan and settles into a steady whimper.

"What's wrong?" I ask rushing to hold Holly's hand and as I turn it over, she pulls back with another groan. "Is the infection back?"

"No." Juni says and her voice is thick with concern, "This is something else. I haven't seen it often. Sometimes children get this once they start getting better from scarlet fever. I don't know if there's a real name for it. They get inflammation in their joints." She says looking at Holly's wrists, which are swollen and red now that I look more closely.

"Is that all? Do we just give more willow bark until it goes away?" I ask moving to go prepare some more of the tea.

"We will need that but-" Juni stops and fixes her gaze on me again. I know that I won't want to hear the rest of what she has to say, "This inflammation doesn't just affect the joints. Sometimes it can get to the heart and the brain."

I sit down on the corner of the bed, unsure whether my legs could continue to hold me up, "What does that mean?"

Juni looks away to Holly before she answers, "Most children die when they get this. It might not be right away, but the inflammation damages the heart. It makes their heart give out."

"No." I argue, "There has to be a medicine; some herb we can give her."

Juni shakes her head sadly, "We can keep giving the willow bark tea but the infection needs to be eradicated from her system. If she has this inflammation, it means that the thyme and lavender haven't gotten rid of all of it. She needs Capitol medicine for that."

It's strange but as she says this, it doesn't make me break down in despair. Instead, I feel a zeal burn up inside of me. I know what I have to do and I have a plan, which is more than I've had in days. I stand and the words leave my mouth as soon as they are formed in my mind, "Then I'll get her Capitol medicine."

"Camellia," Juni starts, "You could never get medicine from the Capitol-

"No. But there are people who can-"

"No." She says firmly. "You can't go dealing with Collins. If you were caught-"

"Then I won't be caught. He's the only one who can help." I say opening the dresser drawer and pulling out the small box filled with what is left of my parent's money.

"Camellia, you can't afford it. It's not safe. If Linden knew what you're thinking…"

"Linden can't know, Juni. I'll tell him once it's over." I say putting all the money into my pockets. I know Linden would try and stop me like she is now. And he could just hold me down unlike Juni. "How long does she have?"

Juni looks back at Holly tiredly, "Two, maybe three days before the real damage sets in."

"We'll work with that. Stay with her until I get back?" I ask before I turn to walk out.

Juni nods yes with a somber look at me and I leave.

I can't let Holly die. It's not an option. It never was. I'm going to save my little sister's life, even if it means risking my own.

I strike out on a path toward the lumberyards. I know that Peacekeeper Collins will be there because that's where the black market of District 7 is flourishing.

It's a short walk at my pace and as I arrive several men turn to stare at me. Most girls my age stay away from this part of the lumberyards so it's unusual to see me walking so resolutely through. I see a man that I remember used to work alongside my father on the mountain.

He gives a drunken grin as I walk up to him, "Camellia, you're looking good."

"Where is Collins? Is he here today?" I ask sternly. He only stares at me in apparent confusion so I repeat myself more slowly, "Peacekeeper Collins, where is he?"

"He's over that way," a man nearby answers as he points to the right.

"Thanks." I say as I walk away. He's not hard to spot once I get closer. His helmet is off but he still sticks out in his white uniform.

"Peacekeeper Collins," I say and I watch as a smile drops from his face when he sees me standing there.

He's a man in his mid-thirties and he's known to be the man who can get what others can't which means he can get the medicine that's supposed to be reserved for Capitol citizens only. His smile fades quickly when he sees me standing in front of him. He doesn't know me by name but he's seen me around enough to know that I'm one of the orphaned children from the blizzard four years earlier.

"What do you want, kid?" He asks gruffly. "You shouldn't be here."

"I need something." I say and look at the men over his shoulder who are listening in on the conversation.

"Why should I help you get anything?" He says and the men all laugh at this.

I pull out some of the money from my pocket just far enough so he can see it, "I can pay. Are you going to turn down money because of your misplaced sense of pride?" I retort. I sound a lot more sure of myself that I feel.

His eyes widen, first at the money then at my response. A smirk spreads across his face, "Boys, go take a few. I need to talk to the little woman." He says waving them off.

We wait until they're a few paces away, "Now girlie, what is it you think you need from me?" He asks in a patronizing voice.

"Medicine for my sister. And I need it quick." I say looking him straight in his grey eyes. He's not from our district. He's imported from two just like most Peacekeepers.

He chuckles, "Well now, those are two awfully big requests. Why don't you just use your money to pay Juniper the healer and be done with it?"

"And you honestly think I'm dumb enough to come here without trying that first?" I retort crossing my arms across my chest.

He sighs, "What kind of medicine are we looking at anyway?"

"Something to stop infection. She had scarlet fever and now she has inflammation. It's going to travel to her heart and kill her if she doesn't get something to stop the infection soon." I say and I see something flash in his eyes- recognition I think. He knows what the fever is like and he knows that I'm telling the truth.

"Kid, that medicine doesn't come cheap. You're ahead to just go home and spend the time you have left with her-"

"NO!" I shout grabbing his arm as he turns to leave me hopeless. "I _will not_ just give up without a fight. I will give you all the money I have. I can get more if I need to. Do _not_ make me bury my little sister next to my parents because you won't even try to help!" I can hear the desperation creeping into my voice as I speak. It's no good. It makes me sound weak and no one will take an eighteen-year-old girl seriously if she sounds weak.

I try again, "This is business; just like any other deal. My money is just as good as anyone else's. Tell me what to pay."

There's a long pause as he stares me down but I don't look away and for once the tears aren't threatening to give me away. He heaves a big sigh, "Fine, kid. I'll try. I'll need half up front. If the medicine gets here before she's dead, you'll give me the other half when I deliver it. Deliver it, you hear? Don't you even think about coming back here to get it yourself."

"Deal." I say shaking his hand firmly. We work out how much I owe him now. It's an exorbitant amount but there will be just enough with my family's savings. I don't know how we'll survive on what we have left until I can find a job but that's not really part of my thought process as I hand Collins the money.

"Now get out of here. This is no place for a girl like you." He says waving me away from him like I'm a contagious disease but for all I know I could be carrying one.

I turn and head back through the yards to go home. I can feel some of my fear lift away. I've done what I can for Holly. The medicine still might not get here in time but I can't think about that now; her dying is not an option.

I am consumed with my thoughts and exhaustion as I make my way home, weaving through all woodpiles and booths with illegal goods, which I suppose is why I don't notice as I pass a group of belligerently drunk men.


	10. Chapter 10- Shock

**AN:** Here's part 10! I will not be updating as regularly anymore since I'm back at school now but I'm still hoping to post once a week. I might switch around the days a bit at first until I fall into a regular schedule again. Thank you everyone who has been reading the story! I really appreciate it!

**Warning: This chapter is rated M for sexual content. This is relatively mild however I don't want anyone to read something that might make them uncomfortable.**

**Disclaimer**: I am not Suzanne Collins. I don't own The Hunger Games

_Part 10- Shock_

I don't really come back to reality until I feel a hand wrap around my wrist. I automatically move to pull away but the grip tightens, "What's a sweet 'lil thing like you doin' here darlin'" He leers as he runs a finger down my cheek.

"Let me go." I demand yanking my arm from his drunken grip. I walk away at a faster pace but two other men appear in front of me and block the way out. I stop and cross my arms over my chest, "I need to get through."

"We don't want you to go just yet," one of the two says with a vicious looking smile, "we don't even know your name yet, sweetie."

"Well, it's not sweetie and I'm not in the mood to socialize today," I retort but it's hard to miss the quiver in my voice, "So I guess we'll just have to wait for another day."

"Now that's rude, I think," a voice whispers wetly in my ear. It's the first man who grabbed my wrist. He's managed to catch up even in his drunken state because I've been delayed in leaving. I feel his hand grip my shoulder as he continues, "Now why don't you jus' come over here an' we can all talk?"

"I don't think so, thank you anyway." I say as I wrench myself from his grip again and move to push the other two men out of my way. I need to get the hell out of here. I can feel my heart moving up to my throat as I take each step. I push them easily aside and think I'm in the clear when I feel a set of hands wrap around each of my arms.

"Let go!" I yell. This time the fear in my voice is clear. Where is everyone else? I look around and see that I'm in a remote corner of the yards because I took a side path to get home quicker. The closest people I can hear are muffled by the tall woodpiles surrounding me.

"I don't think so, dearie." The first man says, his voice menacing. "We tried to be nice about it but you just wouldn't be friendly." He finishes as his hand reaches out to the waist of my pants.

"Let go you drunk bastards!" I scream, thrashing my body around as hard as I can but it's hard when both my arms are pinned behind me. I feel like I'm going to vomit as he reaches the button on my pants. For as drunk as he is, he has coincidentally positioned himself just so that I can't kick him.

"Just hold still girl. It's easier if you do." He says with a wolfish grin. I twist my body even harder trying to force one of my arms loose.

I don't hear a fourth person run up and I don't see him until he's just a blur pulling the first man away from me and throwing him against a woodpile. The two men holding me let go instantly to run and help their friend.

The blur takes one out with a sucker punch and the other with a knee to the groin. As the two men drop groaning to the ground, the blur finally settles for a moment before heading for me. It's Linden, and he looks livid.

"Let's go." He says grabbing my forearm and pulling me forward. I practically have to run to keep up with his pace and I struggle to do the button back on my pants to keep them from sliding down.

We maneuver our way out of the yards soon enough; I really wasn't that far from the edge after all. Linden is silent until we're far enough into the woods that we can only hear the birds in the trees and can't see the yards anymore. He turns on me once he decides we're far enough away to be safe.

"What the hell were you thinking, Camellia?" He demands, his eyes burning with anger. I don't recall ever seeing him like this before, at least not towards me. Once he'd fought with the son of a merchant in the schoolyard but he'd never told me why.

"I- I," I stumble over my words as my whole body starts to shake from the shock of what has just happened. Why had I been in the lumberyard again? I think back, "I had to talk- to Peacekeeper Collins."

"Are you insane?" He yells and I flinch away from him instinctively.

"I- Holly- she needs medicine- from the Capitol." I say moving to lean against a tree. I'm really shaking now and I can't seem to hold myself steady on my own.

"You could have been-" He chokes on his words before he can finish and starts again just as furiously, "Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?"

"No, Linden. I wasn't- thinking- straight okay." I plead, wishing he would stop yelling and wishing I could hold my body still. All I want is for him to wrap his arms around me until I stop shaking. I can feel the tears start to prickle behind my eyelids.

"You are so stupid sometimes, Camellia. What if Juniper hadn't come and told me where you were going? What would have happened then do you suppose?" He demands his gaze burning into me.

I think about this a moment before I bend over behind the tree and vomit in reply. I fall to my knees heaving and I hear his footfalls near me. He puts a hand on my back but I pull away. I feel the anger bubbling up in me. I'm humiliated and not in my right mind. In my right mind, I would know that he's just as upset as me but I can't believe that right now.

I reach out a hand and slap him hard across the face. I can tell he wasn't expecting it by the look of shock that crosses his face before he feels the pain. "Holly is _dying_, Linden." I spit out like the words are venom that will wound him. "I had to do _something_."

"Camellia," He says, his voice soft again like the Linden I know so well.

"Don't you _ever_ call me stupid for protecting her. I would do it a thousand more times if I knew it might save her."

He waits for me to make a move now; sitting perfectly still like he's hunting in the woods and trying not to scare off some fragile prey.

I'm shaking again; this time so uncontrollably that I'm glad I'm already kneeling on the ground. I stare at the dirt of the forest floor and whisper, "It still- it might not be enough, Linden. I might lose her anyway." The first wave of sobs wrack my body and I curl in on myself before Linden can put his arms around me in comfort.

He pulls me into his lap and cradles my head against his shoulder, "Shhh. I know, Camellia. I know you were just trying to protect her." He whispers rocking me gently in his arms. I sound like a wounded animal letting out primal wails of pain at the thought of losing my sister, at the thought of what might have happened to me if Linden hadn't come, at the thought that maybe, if my parents were still alive, none of this would be happening.

Linden, for his part, handles my breakdown well. He continues to murmur soft things and holds me like I'm some fragile broken bird he's trying to heal, "I'm sorry, Camellia, you just scared me. When Juni came and told me you went to the black market, I was so afraid something bad might have happened to you." I can practically feel the pain in his voice and I can tell that he thinks he caused this by yelling at me. But I can't correct him right now. I'm still sobbing pathetically into his ever-dampening shirt.

It's nearly dark by the time I come around enough to raise my head and look at him. He's in a daze of some sort and doesn't notice that I've stopped crying. He looks like he did sometimes right after my parents died. His face is pale and even in the low light I can see a red welt rising on his cheek where I hit him. I raise a hand and smooth the tips of my fingers over it. He comes back from wherever his mind was and looks down at me.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, my voice still shaking from the aftereffects of my weeping. It's all I can manage to say but there's a lot of meaning behind it. I'm sorry for going to the black market alone, for scaring him, for hitting him, for messing up his clean shirt.

He plants a gentle kiss on my forehead and pulls me close to him again before responding, "I know. I know you didn't mean any of it. I didn't mean to yell. You just scared me so much. Are you okay?"

I nod in reply and draw a hitching breath.

"We should get you home. It's getting late and Juni is worried about you." He says softly into my hair, "Do you think you're ready to move?"

I nod and stand up. My legs still feel shaky but I can stand without fear of falling down so that's an improvement. Linden stands and wraps an arm around my waist as we start to slowly make our way back home. It's not far and the light from the windows of my house is just visible when Linden says with a hint of irony, "So much for not touching right?"

I give him a half smile as I step up onto my porch. He wraps me in his arms again and I rest my head on his chest for a minute. "It's going to work out, Camellia. It will. You'll see." He whispers kissing the top of my head lightly.

He can't know that of course. Even if Holly makes it three days, we'll be lucky if the medicine gets here in time. But I wrap my arms tighter around him for it and mumble, "Thank you," before letting him go. I know that he's just as worried about Holly as I am. It might even be harder for him because he can't sit with her and try to comfort her.

"You'll say hello to both of them for me?" He asks. I nod. "And you'll get some rest?"

"I'll try." I say knowing that promises would be futile. I doubt sleep will come at all tonight. "Tell Ash I love him." I say and choke up on the words. I miss him and I know he's probably worried sick as well.

"Of course I will." Linden affirms. Then as if he makes a quick decision he steps up to me again and brushes his lips against mine. It feels like the feathers of a bird in flight it's so light and brief but I appreciate it anyway. "I still love you more than ever." He says in an apologetic tone.

"Me too, Linden. I don't know what I'd do without you." I say meaning every word. He gives a weak smile and says goodnight before turning to leave.

The house is quiet as I enter and I go to the bedroom where I know Juni must be tending to Holly. Holly's tiny pale form is lying asleep in bed with Juni sitting in a chair right next to her.

"Thank goodness you're okay!" Juni lets out in a hushed voice. "I was so worried when the sun set and you weren't back." She get's up and drags me to the kitchen where she sits me at the table to eat.

"We should be with Holly." I mumble as a bowl of rabbit stew is placed in front of me.

"That little girl will be fine until you eat. You look like a sheet you're so white." She says in a firm, motherly tone. "Something happened while you were at the black market didn't it?"

My eyes meet hers and I know there's no use keeping secrets. She knows the truth already anyway. I regal the entire story to her and remain surprisingly calm through it all. I pick at the stew but don't eat much. I'm not hungry at all considering the events of the day.

Juni shakes her head when I stop talking, "The lumberyard is no place for a child." She reprimands but then adds, "It was very brave of you to do that. But bravery doesn't prevent you from going into shock. You need to eat all of that and get to sleep."

"I'm fine. I'm just not hungry." I contradict pushing the bowl back from me.

She pushes the bowl back toward me, "You will eat all of it, Camellia. And I'll be taking the night shift. I've been sleeping whenever Holly has been so I'm not tired." She gives me a stern look and I know this is one of those times arguing with her would get me nowhere.

I eat all the stew and wash the dried tears off my face before settling onto the couch. I fall asleep quickly but my dreams are plagued the entire night. I start off in a maze of wood and I'm running from something but I don't know what and I can't see it. All I know is that I have to run as fast as I can to get away. But then I hear Holly crying my name and it's coming from behind me. I turn around and try to run back but I can't find my way through the maze to where I came from.

The dream switches to Holly's funeral and I'm tossing a bunch of flowers in when a dead grey hand grabs my wrist. I try to scream in terror but nothing comes out. The dead Holly cries to me and asks me why I didn't try harder to save her. The dreams come one after another assaulting my mind, leaving me emotionally drained, but I can't wake up. Juni is the one who wakes me up when dawn comes and I feel more exhausted than when I went to sleep.

Waking doesn't really end the parade of nightmares anymore though. As I sit next to Holly, who spends most of the day dozing when she isn't crying from the pain, I can't stop my mind from conjuring up horrible images of her death, of the medicine not getting here in time.

Juni checks her heart every hour, listening intently. She explains that this will help her know when Holly's condition starts to worsen. I don't know how the heart starts to sound different but apparently it does and I'm not going to argue with that. If it gives me more warning, if it let's me know when I should get Ash to say goodbye to his sister, then I guess I'm thankful for it.

I lay awake the whole day and night waiting for the knock of Peacekeeper Collins on my door but it doesn't come. Juni and I don't talk much, eating supper in near silence, which doesn't bother me since I'm so preoccupied with my own horrid thoughts.

"Take this." She says handing me a cup of sweet smelling syrup. Sleeping syrup. "You need to sleep. You look like a phantom."

"I already don't have the money to pay you, Juni." I state flatly.

"Then I know it's a gift. Take it." She says firmly. I do and lay down waiting for it to take me away to a dreamless sleep. It doesn't take long and if I dream, I don't remember it when I wake.

Sunlight is streaming through the window when I open my eyes the next day. I go to the bedroom and see Juni hunched over listening to Holly's heart. I stand silently in the doorway waiting. She takes the strange earpieces out and frowns.

"What is it?" I ask.

She looks up in surprise before answering, "Her heart is beating faster than before."

I feel a stab in my gut. I shouldn't have been sleeping. I should have been by her side, "Does that mean..." I trail off. I can't finish the sentence.

"It might. It could be because she hasn't been eating or drinking anything." She says folding up her listening device, "It still sounds normal which is the most important thing. We'll just have to watch closely."

She moves to go and get breakfast in the kitchen but I don't join her. I sit beside Holly and resolve that I will not move. I will be here until she is healed or- I can't think of the other option. I absently brush away the curls from the pale, gaunt face of the sweet little girl I love so much.

Juni brings in some broth for the two of us. I drink mine because I know that I'll be forced to eat it when it's cold if I don't eat it now. I wake Holly and she takes a bit of it but it's as if she's not even there. The little vivacious girl I've always known is fading away. I tell her one of her favorite stories, which she stays awake to listen to.

"Camellia," She says in the weakest of whispers, "Will you sing like mommy did?"

If this will bring her fading form any amount of happiness, there is no question of whether I will do it. I have already wasted so many years. I could have brought her moments of happiness by singing to her every night but I had denied her that for years. Now, when she may have only one night left, I know that I have to sing again.

"Of course I will sweetheart." I say and sit so her head can rest in my lap like my mother always did for me when I was sick. I think back to the song she would always sing me to sleep with and start out in the most soothing voice I can manage like she always did.

_Baby mine, don't you cry.  
Baby mine, dry your eyes.  
Rest your head close to my heart,  
Never to part,  
Baby of mine.  
If they knew sweet little you,  
They'd end up loving you too.  
All those same people who scold you  
What they'd give just for the right to hold you._

_From your head down to your toes,  
You're not much, goodness knows.  
But you're so precious to me,  
Sweet as can be,  
Baby of mine.  
_

She's asleep long before I finish the song but I don't stop anyway. I find that the longer I sing the easier it becomes. It's actually soothing to me and I doze off once I'm finished, still sitting with Holly's head in my lap.

A sharp knock at the door wakes me as the light outside is fading through the trees. I get up carefully so as not to disturb Holly and rush to the door but Juni is already there with Peacekeeper Collins on the other side. He sees me and gives what might conceivably be a smile if he weren't so gruff looking.

"You're one damn lucky girl." He says pulling a small parcel wrapped in brown paper from his peacekeeper suit, "They had a shipment leaving six when I got word to them otherwise you would have waited at least another week."

I grab the parcel from him greedily and hand it to Juni. She'll know what to do with it. Juni looks skeptically at the vial once she unwraps it then turns to Collins.

"You're sure they actually put the right medicine in here? It's not some hoax?" He matches her gaze but I can tell he never really thought of this.

"I don't think you have any better option do you?" He replies which isn't really an answer but Juni seems to realize that he's right and rushes off.

"Thank you." I say and go to the cabinet where I had put the second half of his payment.

He grumbles, "It's business. Just another deal, right?"

"Well, thank you for bringing it out here then. That's not usually part of the deal, is it?" I say handing the cash to him. He counts it and then puts it in the now empty pocket of his uniform.

"I didn't want people asking questions. You stick out." He says looking around the small room, "I heard you had some trouble leaving the other day-" He gives me a pointed look.

I shrug, "It's fine. I'm fine."

A look of relief crosses his face so quickly I can't be sure if I saw it for real or not. "Right," he says straightening up, "If anyone comes asking where you got the medicine, you don't say me. You don't even know me."

I nod, "Of course. I don't even know what medicine you're talking about but if I did have some, it wouldn't have come from a Peacekeeper."

This seems to mollify him and he walks out the door, "I hope I won't be doing any business with you anytime soon." He says and shuts the door behind him.

I rush back upstairs and Juni is injecting the medicine slowly into Holly's arm. I sit and hold her other hand silently. Holly whimpers quietly but doesn't try to move her arm away. Not much happens for the rest of the night but just as dawn is breaking the next morning Holly wakes up and tells me she's hungry. I give her some broth, which she drinks straight from the bowl.

Juni listens to her heart, which, while still fast, sounds perfectly healthy. The swelling and redness in her joints is gone along with her fever. She's still gaunt and her ribs are clearly visible but her face has a much rosier tint to it than yesterday. She's thirsty too. So much so I fill a basin so we don't have to keep running down to the kitchen. Little by little, my sister comes back to me.

AN: There you have it! Please, please, please review! I love to hear from all of you so I know what you're thinking. If you have any input, let me know! Also, you can follow me on tumblr at thegirlofdistrict7 I will post update links there. And, of course, you can always add this story to your alerts!


	11. Chapter 11- The Reaping

AN: Here is Part 11 everyone! I hope you enjoy it. Please review and let me know what you think. Reviews keep me motivated! Next part will hopefully be out next week sometime.

Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I do not own The Hunger Games. Also, the song used in this chapter is called Scarlet Tide and is sung by Alison Krauss. I don't own it either.

_Part 11- The Reaping_

The next day Holly asks for her figures and we play all afternoon. I carry her to the table for dinner and she begs for more to eat after her plate is clear. We start her out slow since she hasn't been eating for days but she doesn't seem to be suffering any ill effects so we let her dig into what she wants.

She's too weak to walk on her own but Juni gives the okay to play around downstairs as we start the massive process of cleaning the entire house; boiling sheets and scrubbing floors. By midweek, our hands are chapped raw and Juni says that Holly can start doing whatever her body can handle. It seems the medicine has worked its magic and Holly doesn't seem to have any lasting damage from her illness. Juni borrows an old cart from Red so that I can drag Holly around with me on my trips into town. At the end of the day, Juni gives one more exam and declares that Holly is in fine shape considering what she's been through.

I help her pack up what few belongings she has moved to our house during the month that she's been here. "Thank you so much, Juni. I promise as soon as I can get the money I'll pay you." I assure her as I walk her to the door.

"Don't worry about it dear. Just give me a few jars of honey when you harvest some and we'll call it even." She replies giving my arm a gentle squeeze. Her spirits are nearly as good as mine, which serves as another reminder of just how grave the situation was.

"I owe you my life, Juni. I don't think a few jars of honey will make up for that." I say with a light laugh.

She laughs too, "I wanted to see her get better just as much as you did. I wouldn't have left even if you tried to push me out the door."

I give her one last thankful hug before I go help Holly get dressed. We decided we should both go to Linden's house today to surprise him and Ash when they get home from school. Now that the house has been completely scrubbed down, Juni said it's as safe as it can be for Ash to come back.

"What do you think you want to wear?" I ask Holly as I pull open her drawer of the dresser.

"Umm..." She says as she contemplates, "A dress." She replies after a moment's thought. "I want to look pretty."

I smile and pull out my favorite yellow one. It used to be mine when I was her size and it has ruffles down at the bottom. It looks like the dresses the merchant children wear. I have no idea how this type of dress ever came to be in our family but her face lights up when she sees me holding it up.

I help her wash her face and pull on the dress before I brush out her curls and tie a ribbon around her head. "You dress pretty too." She demands sweetly.

I laugh, "I don't need to dress up silly."

"Yes you do!" She counters. I roll my eyes and pull out the white blouse that I know she likes because it has a lacy looking neckline and put on my newest pants.

"There, that's good enough." I say glancing at her to make sure she agrees.

"Yes. Now do your hair, Camellia. And use the comb from Cypress." She orders.

I start to brush through my hair before I pin it into place the only way I know how, "Well, you certainly have a lot of orders to give today." I joke.

"Please." She says in a sweet singsong way as if this excuses it all. And today, I think it does. I'm just happy that she has energy to give orders at all.

I finish my hair and fix the comb in securely. Holly gives her stamp of approval so I carry her downstairs to the cart.

"I want to walk." She states grabbing hold of my arm.

"It's a pretty long walk, Holly. I'll bring the cart and you just tell me when you're tired okay?" I suggest as we start to slowly make our way to Linden's. It's not actually far at all since he's on the next plot of land but Holly still has trouble crossing the downstairs of the house without needing a rest.

As I figured, she tires right about the time we reach the edge of our property. It's a bit farther than I would have expected her to go but she's completely winded from all the exercise. She sits quietly on the cart as I pull her the rest of the way. Maggie is home when we arrive and walks out on the porch to meet us with a broad smile.

"Look at you two girls!" She exclaims, "Holly you look wonderful!" Holly takes the few steps to the porch to give Maggie a tight hug.

"I missed you!" She chirps happily from Maggie's arms.

"We've all missed you too, sweetie. What do you think about sitting in the rocking chair out here and I'll bring you some of the mulberries that Ash and Linden found yesterday. They're the first of the season." She offers, helping Holly to the chair.

"Yes, please!" She says contentedly. I join her up on the porch taking in the scenery. I feel like I've been in hibernation for these last few weeks. The last time I really spent any time outdoors, it was still the first few raw days of spring and now we are hanging on the cusp of summer, which means that the Reaping is nearly here though I try not to think about it.

"Here we are." Maggie says returning from inside the house and placing a bowl of fresh mulberries in Holly's lap. I steal one and pop it in my mouth. Holly just giggles and does the same. I savor the sweet juice as I munch contentedly.

"How are you girls doing?" Maggie inquires looking at me.

I swallow the berry before answering, "We're doing well. Great actually. Juni said that she should make a full recovery. We just have to keep building up her stamina."

Maggie nods with a smile, "Good. And how are you, Camellia?"

I give a complacent smile, "I'll be happy when I have them both in the house again. It's been a long couple of weeks."

"I can't even imagine." She replies. Something catches her eye and she squints down the path into town. "Here the boys come now. They'll be so excited to see you both!" She says with a grin. Holly grins back with mulberry stains on her lips and tongue, which leads to a round of laughter from all three of us.

"CAMELLIA!" Ash shouts and starts running down the path when he spots me. It's hard to miss the tone of panic lacing his voice. Linden picks up his pace as well and I can see his muscles tense as takes in the scene before him.

"ASH!" Holly squeals and wiggles out of the rocking chair. Ash falters a moment but breaks into a renewed run when he sees Holly standing next to me with her arms out; the smile on his face is unmistakable. Linden's muscles relax and a smile spreads across his face.

"HOLLY!" Ash calls out. He practically topples over as he twirls her around in a hug. "You didn't tell us you were coming today! I would have skipped school-"

"No you would not have." Linden says with a chuckle as he catches up.

"We just got here a few minutes ago, Ash." I say to mollify him. It seems to work and he twirls Holly around again. I wonder momentarily if I'll ever be able to separate them again. By the looks of it, maybe not. He breaks the hug momentarily to grip me tightly around the waist.

"I missed you both so much." He says before going over to the bowl that Holly had tossed aside and sitting down with her to talk. He has a lot to catch her up on and she's content to sit and listen to him for hours.

Maggie leaves us to go finish some mending that needs to be delivered tonight and Linden wraps his arms around me from behind as he rests his head on my shoulder.

"I've missed you." He says in a low voice so as not to disturb the two youngsters. "When I hadn't heard from you in a few days, I hoped that meant good news."

"You know I would have sent for you if it started to look worse." I say resting my hands over his and leaning into him. "We just finished cleaning the house this morning. She couldn't wait to come here. She's missed Ash more than she can describe." We stand silently for a bit listening to Ash chatter animatedly with Holly and I can't help but smile.

"You did it, Camellia." He whispers in my ear. "You saved her."

I roll my eyes, "I hardly did anything. It's Juni you should be praising."

He chuckles at this and his breath is hot on my ear, "You think it was Juni who blindly walked into the black market to get medicine that usually takes weeks to arrive?"

I give a deep sigh at this, "No. I guess not."

"Face it. You saved your sister's life. Not without help. But she probably wouldn't be here if you weren't fighting for her." He says and I don't argue because wasn't that my goal all along? Everything I did, I did to make sure Holly lived.

"Can I stop by tonight?" He asks softly as if he doesn't already know my answer.

"Of course you can, Linden." I say as I turn around. I give him a peck before I address my two siblings still regaling their heroic tales of the last month. "What do you think guys, ready to go back home?" Ash is up instantly holding his hand out to help Holly. Again, she walks to the edge of the property before she sits in the cart that Ash insists on pulling this time.

As we sit eating dinner that night, I don't say much as Ash and Holly chatter happily. It's indescribable now that we're all back together. I didn't realize just how much I need this. I need both of my siblings like I need the air; they make me whole.

"You're lucky you missed so much school." Ash declares with a hint of jealousy.

"You'll just be more prepared, Ash. And you can help Holly catch up with everything she's missed." I say trying not to smile.

He frowns, "She's not in the same year as me."

"You can still help though right? You know how to do all the stuff she's supposed to learn." I stand and clear all the dishes from the table.

"Yeah!" He exclaims as though this thought never occurred to him, "I can help you, Holly."

"Okay, Ash." She pipes with a sleepy smile. It's been a long day for her and she hasn't napped at all since we brought Ash home as he's been talking her ear off.

"I think it's time for bed, Holly." I say taking her hand and helping her change for bed.

Ash joins us not much later, "I'm tired too." He says curling under his blankets.

"Will you sing for me and Ash, Camellia?" Holly asks in a sleepy voice.

Ash looks at me with an inquisitive look. He probably remembers the days when I would sing after dinner by the fire and he knows that I haven't sang since our parents died.

"Let's see," I murmur thinking of a song, "Okay, this one was always one of father's favorites." I start the sweet, melancholic song softly.

_Well I recall his parting words  
Must I accept his fate  
Or take myself far from this place  
I thought I heard a black bell toll  
A little bird did sing  
Man has no choice  
When he wants every thing_

We'll rise above the scarlet tide  
That trickles down through the mountain  
And separates the widow from the bride 

I continue through the verses that I can remember my father teaching me. I sing the last lines of the chorus before slipping silently out of the room. Someone is waiting on the stairs and I jump slightly, placing my hand over my heart.

"Gosh, Linden, I didn't know you were here!" I say in a stern whisper.

But a grin breaks out across his face, "You were singing."

"What?" I demand, still a bit ruffled.

"Just now," He says reaching his hand out to me, which I take despite feeling a bit irked with him. "You were singing again."

I sigh, "Yeah. I sang for Holly so she would sleep when she was sick. Now she still wants me to. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be once I got started." I explain as we settle down on the couch.

"It was beautiful," He says softly as he wraps is arms around me, settling me closer to him, "Just like I remember from when we were kids."

I close my eyes and take the moment in. I've missed this- being in his arms- and I don't ever want to be separated from him again. A thought intrudes into my mind however.

"The money is almost gone, Linden," I say with a sigh, "I don't know what we're going to do. The yards won't hire girls until they're twenty and we can't make it that long."

I feel anger bubble up in me. It's a stupid rule imposed by the Capitol. They want the men up on the mountain working because they can fell trees faster. For this reason, they wrote a law that a female has to be twenty before she will be considered for work on the mountain or in the yards. What they expect us to do before then is anyone's guess, but most women decide instead to do domestic work, like Maggie with the mending. Of course, that doesn't pay as well as working in the lumber industry either.

Linden let's out a long breath. He thinks the rule is senseless too, most residents of the district do. "Try not to worry about it, Camellia." He reassures, "I'll be working as soon as this year's Reaping is over and we'll have enough to get by on. You can sell your honey and eventually they'll let you work too. Then we'll have more than enough. We just have to get by until then."

I give a long sigh. It's only two more weeks until the Reaping after which Linden will officially be of age and he can start working; another rule imposed by the Capitol. This doesn't ease my worrying however. In fact, it only adds to it. This year we're both eighteen. I've been taking out tessera since I was twelve and so has he. I don't want to think about how many times my name is in the glass bowl this year.

So instead, I turn to Linden and let my lips brush his lightly, "Thank you."

"I would do anything for you. You know that, right?" His voice, I suddenly notice, is husky with emotion. I nod. "Good."

His lips meet mine hungrily this time and I don't pull away. I've missed this feeling of fire and closeness. Some nights I could hardly bear it while Holly was sick and all I wanted was something solid and reassuring to hold onto. Somehow I end up balanced on his lap and raking my hands through his hair, his hands exploring my body like he needs to rediscover everything about me.

I let him- actually- encourage him as I sigh contentedly into his kiss. He moves from under me, lowering me onto the couch so his heat radiates down on me. He leaves a quick trail of kisses down my throat and across my collarbone with a sense of urgency that I've never felt before. I reach for his shirt and try to pull it up but my fingers can't find purchase on the fabric. He let's out a husky laugh against my neck, his breath like flames against my skin, before he uses a hand to pull it up over his head.

He brings is lips back to mine and explores my mouth as my hands glide over the ripples of his chest. This feels right. There are a terrifying amount of emotions running through me at this moment but every kiss Linden gives me quells that fear for just a moment until he can give another.

He's working one-handedly on the buttons of my blouse while the other hand runs through my hair and he continues peppering me with his kisses when creak on the floorboard makes me pull away from him. He gives a husky groan of dismay as I return to my prior seat on the couch, buttoning up my blouse, and he pulls his shirt back on. Holly waddles into sight just as I'm brushing my hair back into place with my fingers.

"Camellia, I'm thirsty." She says rubbing her eyes, still half asleep.

I cross the kitchen and get her a glass of water, which she drinks silently and then returns to bed without another word.

I collapse back onto the couch still a bit breathless and Linden wraps an arm around my shoulders, "Want to try again?" He asks his voice still deep with emotion.

I laugh and nudge him with my shoulder closest to him, "You're cheeky tonight."

"I've missed you." He replies nuzzling my neck; his hot breath tickling.

"I've missed you too, Linden, but it's getting late and you know Maggie will be waiting up for you."

"Mmph." He mumbles placing kisses down my neck again.

"And are you going to explain to your mother why you didn't get home until dawn?" I ask pulling away slightly to raise one eyebrow at him in question.

He heaves a great sigh, "No. I don't think I want to live to see that day."

"Correction. You won't live to see that day." I say with a short laugh, "You're mother would come here and strangle you in your sleep." He laughs at this too since he knows it's true.

He gives one last sweet kiss before he heads out the door and home to a waiting Maggie. I quickly ready for bed and join little Holly and Ash in slumber.

…

I wake up and stretch, enjoying the feeling of the damp morning air coming through the window next to the bed. For a moment, I'm in the complete bliss that comes right when one wakes after a good dream. I open my eyes to soft morning light coming under the curtain before I remember what day it is.

It's the cool, breezy morning of the Reaping for the 71st Hunger Games; my last year of eligibility. I take a deep breath of air finding it significantly less enjoyable now as I crawl out of bed and grab clothes on my way out of the room. Laurel had promised to meet me this morning to work on harvesting some honey before the Reaping.

I dress quickly and leave a note for Ash saying where I am before I head out the door. It's a damp morning but already the sun is burning off last night's rain making it muggy out. I grab the bee hoods that Laurel and I both use before striking out toward the hives. There is a low hum permeating the air when I arrive and Laurel is facing away from me, staring at the hives.

"Ready to do some work?" I ask.

"Oh!" She squeals jumping up in the air but instantly smiling as her feet hit the ground again, "You scared me. I didn't hear you coming."

I laugh and hand her the hood. We get to work quickly cutting the combs off the bars and putting them into large buckets next to the hives. We each clear out a hive then move the buckets further into the woods to clean out the bees. I notice Laurel shaking more than usual and know she's petrified of today. She always offers to help with the bees on Reaping day so that she can stay busy up until the ceremony.

"Aren't you scared you'll be picked?" She asks reading my mind.

I shrug, "Yeah but there's nothing I can do about it. I try not to think about it."

She nods her head as if this is a novel idea for her. We start crushing the combs once the bees are all cleared out and, after, we leave the honey to strain overnight. If all goes well today, we'll meet tomorrow to start curing.

Laurel makes quick work of it with her nervous hands finishing well ahead of me. She doesn't talk though and I'm not really inclined to either. I finish setting the honey to strain and we walk a short distance in silence.

"I'll see you at the Reaping this afternoon then." She says in a breathy voice that makes me think she might faint at any moment.

"I'll see you then." I nod and we part ways as she heads back to Cypress's house. The yard is quiet so I know that Ash and Holly remember exactly what day it is too. They've been up for several hours by now usually so I'm not surprised to see Holly playing quietly in the corner while Ash sits staring at the empty fireplace.

He glances at me with worried eyes as I walk in. I give him my best smile and ruffle his hair before I work on filling the tub. It's too warm to start a fire up to heat the water today so we'll all just be using the water straight from the tap.

Holly gets ready without any songs today and returns to her corner to play with her wood figures. I pull out the dress Linden and Maggie gave me for my birthday and slide it on. It's a perfect fit. I twist my hair up and put Cypress's comb in it. I glance in the bottom of our cooking pot when I return to the kitchen. I look lovely; like one of the merchants' daughters. Unfortunately, that won't spare my name from being drawn anymore than the fact that I'm the only one left to raise my two younger siblings will.

Ash is just finishing getting ready when Linden and Maggie arrive.

"You look beautiful," Linden says with a kiss as he takes my hand. His thumb brushes over the wooden band that I never take off and he smiles.

I give a bitter laugh, "Ironic how we dress up to send our own to slaughter." I say under my breath. Holly and Ash are walking a few paces back with Maggie who is telling them a story about a butterfly.

"Don't say things like that," He says looking around to see if anyone else was within hearing distance- mostly Peacekeepers. "We'll be fine. This is our last year and after this ceremony, we'll all come back and have dinner together."

I look him in the eyes and know he's saying this to convince himself just as much as he's saying it for me. I don't argue because I want him to be right but that doesn't stop my stomach from sloshing around. We walk into the square and stop, waiting for Maggie and the kids to catch up.

Holly runs up to me and wraps her arms around my waist, "I love you!" She says looking up at me with wide eyes.

"I know Holly." I smile, "I love you too. You and Ash go with Maggie now and I'll meet you once the Reaping is over. Okay?"

She wraps her arms around me tighter, "No! I want to go with you!"

"You can't Holly. I have to go alone." I say and peal her arms off me as gently as I can.

"It'll be okay Holly," Linden says ruffles her hair, "This won't even take that long."

She gives a little smile with watery eyes and nods. Maggie takes them both over to where the parents and those not eligible to be drawn wait. Linden squeezes my hand, "I love you." He whispers as he lets go.

"I love you too." I say as we walk into our separate areas.

My palms are slick and I can feel sweat beading on my forehead. Laurel is off in a corner of our area so I step up next to her. She looks petrified and as white as a sheet. I put a hand on her shoulder, "Almost done." It's the most assurance I can give her at this point.

The District 7 escort, Laude, walks up to the microphone on stage and he welcomes us to the Reaping of the 71st annual Hunger Games. He looks ridiculous in his garish getup. His skin is died green; I suppose to flaunt the fact that he escorts those from the lumber district because it certainly doesn't become him. He has bright yellow hair and stars of the same color tattooed across his forehead. But really it doesn't matter what he looks like, I would hate him no matter what because he must be a sick man to parade around children before sending them to their deaths.

Behind him are all the living tributes; there are four. On the far edge is an old man, Dominick Coldwater, who looks as though he has no idea where he is. People say he's lost his mind in his old age and his appearance today doesn't do anything to dispel that theory. Next to him is a middle-aged man, Colton Wainright. He twitches a lot but otherwise seems pleasant enough. He buys honey from me sometimes and always insists on paying more than it actually costs. But the two mentors sit closest to the center of the stage.

I can't help but shake my head for the boy tribute. This year Rowan Carson, winner of the 67th Hunger Games, was randomly chosen to be mentor. He's our youngest living mentor having won when he was sixteen; he's now twenty and physically quite attractive if you can get past his loathsome personality. He's known for going on drinking sprees that leave him physically incapacitated and verbally confrontational in the town square. He usually returns to the Capitol every year for the games and parades around at clubs every night with vile-looking Capitol women hanging off of him. I have no doubt that he'll continue his tradition this year despite having a tribute to mentor.

Next to Rowan, sits a young woman, our only living female tribute, Johanna Mason. She has short straight brown hair and wide brown eyes that give her an innocent appearance which resulted in her shocking the Capitol with her ability to kill during her Games. While Rowan had won by wit and sheer brawn, Johanna had plotted against her fellow tributes, playing the games from the moment her name was called. Even as an eighteen-year-old tribute she'd been a sniveling tiny girl that no one had considered a threat until only the Careers and she were left. Then a transformation occurred leaving her a deadly killer with precise aim; she ended their lives as quickly as they had dismissed her and she was crowned victor of the 64th Hunger Games.

The mayor recites the story of the Dark Days and the Rebellion. We've all heard the story before and I find I can never concentrate on it during this ceremony. I just remind myself to keep breathing; this will all be over soon.

Laude is crossing the stage again, "Ladies first," he says in the most vile tone imaginable for two words.

'Not Camellia Goldenlarch.' I chant over and over in my head as I close my eyes. I hear him fetch a piece of paper out of the globe and the tapping of his shoes across the stage. It's silent, deadly silent, in the crowd.

I open my eyes and see him unfold the paper. He opens his mouth and calls out crisply, "AMELIA LICHTIN!" I instantly hear a cry from across the crowd- a woman weeping. A girl from the group of fifteen year olds steps out and walks onto the stage. Tears stream silently down her plain face. There's a pause for volunteers but no one speaks and Laude crosses over to the boys bowl. I let out a guilty sigh of relief. That's it. I'm safe. I look across the crowd and see Holly looking at me much more cheerfully than earlier. I glance around for Linden but I don't see him. Laude is back at the microphone now but where is Linden.

There he is over in the back corner.

"LINDEN HOLLBROOK!"

My head whips around to look at Laude on the stage. I must have heard wrong. I must have heard Linden's name because I was thinking of him. I hear a murmur run through the crowd and look back to Linden. He's already looking at me but he's walking up to the stage.

No. Something must be wrong. I'm speechless and I can't hear anything either. Laurel is saying something over my shoulder but I can't peel my eyes from Linden. And it's a good thing I'm speechless otherwise I'm sure I'd be hysterical and screaming and that wouldn't help Linden now. Now I need to be strong and portray all the confidence in the world that he will win. That's the only way I can help the man I love.

He joins Amelia standing on the stage, towering over her tiny form. Laude claps a hand on his shoulder looking pleased that for once he has a well-fed, eighteen-year-old, male tribute on his hands. He's hoping that this will be his year to shine. And something shifts in my mind because now ridiculous, vile Laude and I are allies; we both want the same thing. We want nothing more than for Linden to win this Hunger Games.

Laude wishes everyone a Happy Hunger Games and hopes that the odds will be ever in our favor before the cameras cut and Linden is whisked off stage to our Justice Building.

Somehow my legs carry me back to a sobbing Holly and stoic Ash. Maggie looks like she's in shock. Her face is drained of both color and emotion and she stares blankly at me as I walk up to her.

"We need to go to the Justice Building." I state, my voice flat, devoid of all emotion. Maggie nods. It's not hard to make our way to the building because the crowd parts when it sees us coming. They recognize us- the fiancée and the mother of the boy going to slaughter. The cameras are still here buzzing through the crowd asking for comments on the Reaping. I hurry past them and up the steps of the building before they can pull us aside.

Peacekeeper Collins is there guarding the door. He gives me a short nod. I can tell he's not happy today either. Maggie goes in first. She has fifteen minutes and the Peacekeepers pull her out with tears streaming down her face. She's holding it together considerably well however, which is good since the cameras are waiting to talk to her about her son being this year's male tribute.

She takes hold of Holly and Ash so I can go in alone. At first, I can hardly see in the dim light after being outdoors but then my eyes find him. He's standing in the corner, his hands clenched behind his back.

"Linden." I whisper and take the few quick steps into his arms. He holds onto me tightly and takes a few unsteady breaths. I don't try to pull away from him as I start to speak my urgent directions, "You have to be strong. You look menacing next to the smaller tributes. Use it. And play to the Capitol crowd. Do whatever you have to so that they'll want to sponsor you. Make them love you.

"And in training- work on combat. You already know enough about surviving; you'll be fine with that.

"I'll do what I can here- play you up to the crowd- make you look like a guy who gets around. They go wild for that." I finish and there's a momentary pause of silence.

"Anything else?" He asks his voice tense with emotions I know he's trying to hold back.

I lift my head to meet his gaze, "Take this." I hand him the ring he gave me. He opens his mouth to protest, "Take it as your token. Have them put it on a rope so you can carry it with you." His hands fold around mine as he takes the ring from me. "Try to come back to me." I plead, my voice cracking.

Tears are gathering in his eyes and I know he must be terrified; this boy I've known all my life, who has never cried, is on the verge of collapse. "I will, Camellia. I'll do whatever it takes." He promises in a strained whisper.

His lips crash down on mine and I push myself closer to him. My lips go numb but I don't try to stop or slow down. There's so much left I need to give him and only minutes left in which to do it. He finally breaks away breathless, his hands holding onto my face. He looks like a wild animal in that moment, his bright green eyes darting back and forth, trying to memorize every nuance of my face. I suppose I look the same- a madwoman trying to save the most important thing to her.

"I love you, Camellia Goldenlarch. Don't you forget that." He demands fiercely.

"I love you too. Just come back to me." I beg as the Peacekeepers come in and take me by the arms. I pull away from them momentarily, just long enough for one last kiss.

"When I get back," Linden yells as they pull me from the room, "That day, I'm going to marry you, Camellia! I promise!"

The Peacekeepers slam the doors shut before I can answer. They don't let go of my arms as they guide me down the halls back to the front doors. As I walk I try to steady myself. Thankfully, I am not crying yet but I know I must look frightened, terrified even, and if I speak any words at all they would come out strangled from my narrowing throat.

Just as we reach the doors, I imagine balling up all these horrible feelings and locking them away deep inside of me. This somehow is comforting and I set my shoulders straight as I walk outside where cameras are instantly trained on my face.

AN: And there we are! I hope you enjoyed it! Please review and let me know what you think! Add this story to alerts if you want notifications when it updates. Also, you can follow me on tumblr my name is: thegirlofdistrict7. Have a lovely week everyone!


	12. Chapter 12- Lights and Cameras

**Part 12- Lights and Cameras**

A body swoops in on me immediately followed by a camera. "Hello, dear!" A short stout Capitol woman chirrups as she shoves a microphone in my face, "Our sources say that you are none other than the fiancée of District 7's male tribute Linden Hollbrook."

"Yes." I say taking a step back from this woman dressed in bright orange with purple hair piled above her freakishly altered face.

"Oh!" She squeals excitedly, "My, my! Tell us, what were you're thoughts when you heard his name called?"

This question smacks me across the face but I hope it doesn't show. I know now is the time to start playing the games. I tilt my head to the side and give a wry smile, "Well, my first thought was that a lot of hearts are going to be broken. He's known as a lady's man around here-"

"But you're engaged!" She exclaims with a pretend look of shock but underneath is clearly a wolf looking for scandal

I give her what she's dying for, "Well, you know how it is. Good looking guys like that; you just can't keep them in check." I giggle for good measure, which seems to be the right move as the interviewer steps closer.

"Tell us, do you think that he'll sweep the games and come back to you a rich and famous victor?" She's leering at me now, hungry for more gossip that will get her the best slot on the news show.

I give the camera my best dazzling smile, "He's a strong competitor. I don't doubt that he'll win The Games, I mean, just look at him. I only hope that he won't meet some beautiful Capitol woman before he comes back."

The interviewer loves this. She gives a haughty little laugh before turning away from me and toward the camera again, "You've heard it folks. District 7 might be the one to beat this year. And ladies, please _try,_" she emphasizes and gives a wink, "to keep your hands off this one."

The camera cuts, "Thank you dear! Hopefully we'll meet again soon!"

I nod and give a tight smile because as much as I hate this woman, as disgusting as I feel after saying all of those things, I want to see her again too. Seeing her again means Linden has survived to the final eight.

I have a sudden thought and cut quickly through the crowd. Maggie doesn't object as she continues to stand in the crowd by the Justice Building with the children. I don't think Maggie's mind is working at the moment and honestly I'm not sure mine is either. My thoughts are so erratic it seems like I'm going in one hundred directions all at once. But for the moment I have one clear thought. I have to get to the train platforms, that's where the mentors wait for the tributes before they board the fancy Capitol trains.

The crowd thins and I break into a run. The cameras are all still dispersed in the crowd talking to citizens so I know a running girl won't catch their eye. As I round a corner I spot them standing a polite distance apart on the platform; Johanna still looking removed from the situation and Rowan leaning against the railing looking a little worse for wear.

I jump the steps to the platform two at a time and Johanna sees me first.

"What are you doing here?" She asks coolly.

I don't answer as I walk straight up to Rowan and grab him by the lapels of his suit that reeks of the Capitol. Johanna makes a move to stop me but appears to decide otherwise and takes a step back as I throw the drunken mess they call a mentor up against a pole. He's nearly a head taller than me but in his drunken state he doesn't see me coming so it's easy to move him around.

"What the hell!" He shouts angrily grabbing haphazardly at my wrists.

"You listen to me, Rowan Carson." I demand, my voice deadly and my face mere inches from his. "You bring Linden back here alive. Do you understand? You might not give a crap about your life anymore but he's mine and I won't let you screw everything up because you prefer to run around drunk with the Capitol women!"

He sputters angrily his face turning bright red. Johanna stands off a bit with a smirk of enjoyment on her face. "Don't talk to me like you know anything!" He yells at me pushing me roughly away from him.

"If you let him die because of your stupidity, you'll have more than just his blood on your hands, Rowan." I warn. "His mother needs him. My family needs him."

"You think I don't know that?" He shouts taking two menacing steps towards me before Johanna pulls him back.

"The cameras are coming you idiots." She hisses and I see she's right.

I turn to go but give one last withering glare to Rowan, "Don't let him die because you hate yourself."

I cross the square quickly to rejoin Maggie and the kids to walk back home. Maggie spends the day with us in a wordless agreement that it would be too horrible to be in her own house alone. Ash locks himself away upstairs and doesn't return until the mandatory viewing of the Reaping. Holly sits quietly cuddling next to Maggie on the couch, both of them silent and in a sort of trance. I, on the other hand, can't sit still. I walk around the house impatiently. I walk into the forest to check the straining honey. I walk to the path that runs in front of our house and around the edge of the property. There isn't enough land to walk across to keep my mind occupied though.

As evening sets, I pull out the television that normally is kept in a closet, unused. Ash sits wordlessly next to Holly and I kneel in front of it. There's the entire spiel about the Hunger Games and why we are forced to send two children every year before they start flashing to the districts to show the Reaping.

Most of the faces flash by and are instantaneously forgotten, I can't help but think that they will be some of the first to die. They won't have sponsors if they aren't memorable. There are a few tributes that strike me as threats to Linden.

First is a deadly looking girl from one. She's built strong and lengthy but it's the look she fixes the camera with after her name is drawn that causes me concern. She stares straight into the lens and when I stare back I see nothing there except a desire to win. There is no worry, no hesitation, about what she will be asked to do. She's not a human; she's a killing machine.

Both from two are intimidating as they practically rush the stage to volunteer. I wonder how different their world must be from ours if they actually think it's an honor to participate in these games and kill children.

A set of twelve year olds are drawn for four; the announcers remark that the odds will not be in that district's favor this year. No Careers will team up with such young tributes. They bet that these two will be killed during the bloodbath and I doubt that the announcers will be wrong.

When they flash District 7, I lean closer to the screen as I watch in horror even though I know what is coming. Little Amelia is called; she cries the whole time she's onstage. It's no good; she looks weak and the announcers make note of this. They call Linden's name then and the announcers state that perhaps seven will be a force in the games this year. It's been years since we've had an eighteen-year-old tribute.

Linden stands stoically and appears calm about what has just happened. The female announcer remarks that he's also an attractive young man. Once his stylist gets a hold of him, she bets he will be an absolutely stunning specimen to behold. I want to vomit at her syrupy comments but I don't because they could mean life or death for him. These sorts of comments encourage infatuation, which leads to sponsors. Instead, I push down the illness I feel at their suggestive comments.

A short, muscular girl from ten is the last tribute that that leaves a clear impression. She wrenches herself from a boy's grip to walk up to the stage; he is revealed by their district escort to be her twin brother. Her face is fixed in a resolute expression; her muscles bulging out of her arms that she's crossed her chest with. She's as determined to win as Linden I'm sure.

The program ends and the news picks up with the interviews from district residents. The Career districts are giddy with excitement except for four; the interviews there are short and cool. No district would be pleased with two twelve-year-old tributes but especially not a Career one.

They get to seven and a red-eyed Maggie is on screen talking about her boy who has strong self-preservation instincts and a fierce competitive streak. Then, there I am, staring at myself through the screen. I'm glad I didn't cry; I look much more collected and sure of the situation than Maggie. I'm convincingly flirty and poised; my honey colored hair turning gold in the afternoon sun. We make quite an attractive pair, Linden and I; at least, I hope we do. That's what the Capitol will love; they can't help but love beautiful, young people.

The television flashes from one district to another, the pain palpable in the families' voices- perhaps none more so than the twin brother of the district ten girl tribute. He answers the questions appropriately but every word is its own individual plea for the Capitol to send his sister back to him. Her name is Anesta.

I think of Linden and how hard this must be for him to watch knowing that he might have to kill her. I feel part of my heart break at the thought. It will kill part Linden to win these games; this I know for a fact. But I try to ignore this thought; I am shamelessly selfish because I want him back with me no matter what it takes.

The program ends and Ash immediately goes to bed. Holly and Maggie continue to sit in their trance and eventually fall asleep. I don't wake Holly knowing it would be more difficult to get her back to sleep than it's worth. I lie down in my empty, cold bed and try to sleep but spend most of the night staring blankly up at the ceiling hoping that if I keep thinking of Linden, it will ensure him a win.

The next evening is the parade of the tributes through the Capitol and there is a knock on our door just as the sun is starting to set. It's Peacekeeper Collins and his face is dark, menacing almost.

"You're required to come to the square to watch the parade." He practically spits the words out, "So they can record your reactions. They just want you. Not Maggie or the kids. Amelia's friends will be there too."

I nod and walk out with him leaving a speechless Maggie behind. I'm glad they aren't making her attend too. She's been so pale all day I'm afraid she's going to suffer a break any moment.

I've heard of this before. Occasionally, the Capitol will send cameras to the districts so they can flash their reactions when their tributes first enter the parade. Usually they only do this on years they have relationships they want to exploit. I have no doubt they'll be forcing the twin brother in district ten watch his sister in their town center as well.

As we arrive at the square I see a small crowd gathered, mostly those who bet on the games that have no children to lose and so are not disgusted by the entire process. Collins puts a hand between my shoulder blades when I hesitate to take the next step for a moment but it's not a threatening gesture. It's almost comforting in fact.

I spot some girls I recognize as being a few years below me in school and know that these must be Amelia's friends. I stand next to them silently. I have no reassuring words to offer them. They know as well as I do that I'm rooting against them. Their friend has to die for my Linden to come back.

The parade is a long drawn out process and my legs feel like lead when District 6 finally enters the streets to cheering crowds. I feel myself lean slightly forward because I know what's coming. Ameila's friends do the same thing. Wild cheers erupt from the crowds when the District 7 chariot enters the screen. They flash close-ups and I can see that the stylist has, once again, gone with trees as he does every year. They have wild headdresses of brown and green, which are meant to look like the branches of trees. Their bodies have been painted brown and they have hardly any fabric covering them; he has thrown them on the chariot naked in the past so this is an improvement of sorts. However, it still looks almost vulgar on Amelia since she's so young and small but Linden looks like a statue made for this outfit. His toned muscles stand out with the paint and lighting making him appear even more formidable. They've highlighted his eyes too making him look like he's actually the spirit of a tree. He stands tall and solidly reminding me of the old spruce trees on the mountains.

It's astounding to see him like this. He looks like some other being, not the Linden that I grew up with all my life. Little Amelia looks horrified, gripping the chariot tightly. She's hunched over and looks more like a sickly dying sapling than a magnificent old tree. As they weave their way through the street, Linden looks around into the crowd and the cheers erupt even louder. People like him, I think. Good, he'll need that.

I don't hear or see anyone else for the rest of the parade. I can only stand staring fixedly at the screen waiting for another glimpse of Linden. As the program ends I remember that the Capitol cameras are still watching. I give a small, wry smile to them as I turn to walk back home.

"Camellia, dear!" I hear that sick chirruping voice over my shoulder.

'How does she know my name now,' is my immediate thought but it's silly to wonder because, of course, she works for the Capitol where I'm sure she can match my face to my name with a flip of a switch.

I turn with a wide smile, "Hello again!" I call lightly and walk to meet her.

She seems pleased by my reaction and sidles up to me, "What are your thoughts on the parade?"

"Oh! Wasn't it just wonderful?" I say excitedly with a giggle, giving my best impression of a Capitol citizen; my stomach clenches as I do. "The stylists have all done such wonderful work this year!"

She nods happily in agreement, "Especially for District 7, wouldn't you say?"

I break out in another dazzling smile, "I would. I'm glad everyone got to see what Linden looks like without his shirt on." The words feel like poison as they leave my mouth but I let out a tinkling laugh, which the interviewer joins in on.

"I think we all are, Camellia!" She says giving the camera another disgusting wink. "Do you have any worries about Linden winning now that you've seen the other competitors?"

I feel icy fingers creep around my throat but hold my smile. Breathe, I remind myself before speaking up, "I think I would be foolish not to take them as serious competition but I've seen Linden fight and I think the other tributes had better be worried if they meet him in the arena."

"Oh!" The interviewer exclaims excitedly, "Well, now I just can't wait to see his training score."

I give a genial smile, "Neither can I."

The cameraman cuts after this and he walks away. Leaving the Capitol woman standing altogether too close to me. "We'll be coming back on the night of the interviews to talk with you again, Camellia. The people in the Capitol just love you! It's really too bad you weren't chosen to be a tribute!" She says as if this is some sort of tragically missed opportunity. My stomach lurches at the thought. I would have been placed in the same arena as Linden; I could hardly imagine something more horrific.

But I give her a grateful smile anyway, "I'll look forward to it, Miss..."

"Oh! Handar! Heelia Handar!" She says taking my hand and shaking it happily, "You can call me Heelia though! I think we're going to become good friends over the course of these games."

I highly doubt this but I just flash my smile at her again which she seems to count as an agreement. She walks off quickly to interview one of Amelia's friends for good measure but she doesn't have that same overpoweringly sweet attitude about it. That is reserved only for me- the fiancée that the Capitol loves.

Maggie spends her days leading up to the Games on the couch mending clothing for her business. She rarely moves from her seat and never speaks. It's as if she's only a ghost of herself since Linden left- a hollow shell of a body.

Ash continues to withdraw, only coming out of the bedroom to eat. Holly sits in her corner playing quietly with her figures or sitting silently next to Maggie patting her shoulder.

I find the air in the house has turned heavy and constricting so I spend most of the day out in the woods. The honey still needs to be cured and collected so I work away steadily doing anything to keep my hands busy even if my mind cannot be distracted.

The night before the interviews we watch a short program announcing the training scores. I watch as the Careers from one and two receive high scores- nines and tens. District four manages to pull a five and seven surprisingly enough. Then Linden's face flashes briefly on the screen with the number seven underneath it; Amelia manages only a four. Anesta from District 10 earns a nine.

I lean away from the television once the numbers have all been revealed and the announcers start to dissect what each could possibly mean. A seven, while not the best number, certainly doesn't count Linden out of the game. I wonder if he's been learning a lot about hand-to-hand fighting. He knows how to take down animals well enough but humans are an entirely different story. They fight back with equal intelligence and weaponry when one is in the arena.

The next day passes much the same way. At dinner we sit silently picking at our plates. Holly slips from her seat after ten minutes to go play in her corner again while Maggie stares into oblivion, pushing the cattail tubers around her plate slowly. Ash remains silent and withdrawn, making no eye contact with anyone. With all the silent idleness, the visions of what might be return to my mind in full force.

A knock on the door causes Maggie to lift her head as I get up to answer it.

"They need you in the square again." Peacekeeper Collins says his face dark. I nod and follow him out. He sighs as we walk and in a low tone says, "This is wrong."

It's so quiet I'm not sure he meant for me to hear it. I look over and see he's staring at me with a torn expression. "It's for Linden." I say flatly, "It will help make him more human in the eyes of the Capitol."

Collins nods and we walk in silence the rest of the way. He gives my shoulder a quick squeeze before we part at the town square. I take my place in the small crowd gathered there and I can feel the cameras focused tightly on my face as the program starts up. Caesar Flickerman is there in his midnight blue twinkling suit as usual. This year his eyelids and lips have been died a horrid yellow color that makes him look sickly.

Linden is sitting onstage next to Amelia who, it appears, they have decided to keep dressing provocatively. She wears a dress that barely covers her small body and again I think it looks tasteless but the stylist for seven was never known for being the most tasteful. I note that they've apparently given up on dressing Linden's upper body as well. They've stenciled dark, olive green patterns of intertwining branches and leaves across his torso and around his arms. His skin sparkles from something they've rubbed all over him and it gives him the appearance of the trees after a heavy summer rain. He wears long pants the same color as the stenciled pattern and sandals.

As I look at him, I remember a story my father used to tell us about a woods elf; Linden looks just like the description- otherworldly, almost unrecognizable. But there hanging from a length of dark rope on his neck is my ring, tiny and delicate against his muscular chest. No matter how much they change his appearance, I know this really is my Linden.

When his turn comes, the crowd goes mad as he walks calmly and steadily to the front of the stage. Caesar finally gets them to calm down and turns to Linden with a broad smile, "You're looking quite fit tonight, my boy."

"Thanks, Caesar," Linden says clapping a hand on his shoulder, "I think it suits me don't you?" He looks out at the crowd for conformation and they break out in wild cheers of agreement.

"I think we all do!" Flickerman guffaws, "Maybe I should get some work done so I can walk around like you!" The crowd laughs with him.

Flickerman's face turns serious as he says, "Linden, my boy, I hear- and see" He adds with a suggestive wink, "that you have a lovely fiancée back in District 7." "I do." He says with a wicked grin that is so utterly unlike the Linden I know.

"And has that affected your stay in the Capitol at all?" Caesar raises his eyebrows with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"Well, it hasn't stopped me from making a few lovely new," he pauses and glances around as if this is a secret, "...friends, Caesar, if you know what I mean."

So they're going along with the naughty, fun-loving image I've already started weaving. Now I know where we stand but I can't deny that it chills my insides to hear these things come out of his mouth.

Caesar lets out a raucous laugh along with the crowd, which also includes several swooning Capitol women, "I do indeed my boy." The Capitol is eating this crap up.

After the crowd quiets down and the ladies are helped back into their seats, Flickerman asks, "Linden, everyone has been so secretive about their training this year. Can you give us any hint as to your strategy- your skill going into this game?"

Linden pauses looking around at the crowd, which is fixated on his every move, "I don't think we're really allowed to talk about that. All I can say is the competition is fierce but I think I'll have some advantages over them."

Linden's time is nearly up so Flickerman hurriedly asks the one last question everyone in the crowd is wondering, "Tell me, my boy, what makes you more likely to win the Games against all these other wonderful competitors."

Linden fixes his bright green eyes dead onto the cameras, looking directly into my eyes, and I know this part is meant for me, "Because Caesar, I have something worth fighting for," he looks away from the cameras to the crowd giving a dashing smile and I know our moment is over, "I want to... get to know... all the _lovely_ people in the Capitol once I'm crowned victor."

The crowd practically squeals at his words as the buzzer signals the end of his interview. He gives hearty waves to the crowd as he crosses the stage back to his seat and blows a kiss to one particularly hysterical Capitol woman who promptly faints.

I force my face to remain flat and emotionless throughout the entire interview. Even when Linden said those few words for me, I didn't show any recognition. Heelia Handar swoops down on me like a hawk after a mouse. She's wearing electric blue today making her look even more alien than before.

"My dear, Camellia," She says sweeping me into her arms in a light hug, "How do you feel after seeing Linden's score and interview?"

I give my most brilliant smile, "I'm even more sure now that he's going to win the games."

"But he did only score a seven in training. What makes you think that he will win in battle against those with higher scores?" She asks with a look of surprise.

"If I know Linden, he was probably holding back." I say sweetly with a giggle. "He's always doing that. He probably wants to save his best work for the cameras."

"I see. Well, the cameras can't wait to see it I assure you." She says giving a light chuckle.

Her face turns gravely serious now, "During the interview, I couldn't help but notice he seemed to hint that he's met with some women in the Capitol. How does that make you feel, Camellia?"

I pause for a moment deciding how to handle this question. I know that Linden will most likely see this clip so I follow his lead and look straight into the camera, "I know he's doing what he needs to do," I turn back to Heelia and smile brightly, "Boys like Linden do have needs after all, Heelia. I've learned to accept this from him."

She nods in understanding, "Yes they do. I'm glad this won't be causing any harm to your relationship then." She's got that wolfish grin again. She's trying to delve deeper into my feelings and my personal life. Drama would get her the premier spot in the program.

I shake my head with a light smile, "I would never let it. How would I ever manage to snag another man like, Linden?" I give a giggle, "Sometimes sacrifices have to be made so that I can have the best of the best."

"So true!" She chirps, "You've heard it here folks, keep your eyes open for District 7's Linden Hollbrook tomorrow afternoon. He might just have some surprises in store."

The camera cuts and the lights turn off plunging me back into the darkness of night. Heelia shakes my hand telling me she hopes she'll meet with me again sometime soon before she walks off leaving me standing alone. The square clears out quickly but I can't make myself move; everything about the past two hours has overwhelmed me. I would give anything to be in Linden's arms right now.

"Time to clear out kid." I hear Peacekeeper Collins say firmly. The other Peacekeepers are still standing around the square waiting for me to leave before they can go home for the night.

I nod and take one step but my legs are like jelly and I barely catch myself when I stumble.

"I'll make sure she get's home." Collins shouts gruffly to the others surrounding the square and they nod before marching off. "Come on." He says to me in a softer voice placing a hand on my back and guiding me slowly home.

"I can make it on my own," I say and my voice sounds breathy. I realize I'm taking fast shallow breaths that I can't control.

"Calm down kid. You're not going to do yourself any favors fainting." He replies and continues to guide me forward.

"Why are you helping me?" I ask still breathing far too fast. The world is starting to spin and I lose my balance but Collins grabs my arm to steady me.

A look of what can only be described as pity crosses his face momentarily, "I wanted to go home sometime tonight." He grumbles.

He walks me up to the front door of my house and makes sure I'm inside before he turns to leave. Not only do I feel disgusting about the interviews, but now Collins's behavior also confuses me. I don't understand why he's taken such an interest in me but I decide to leave that for contemplation for another day as I crawl up to bed without a word to my family still sitting on the couch.

Holly has taken to sleeping with Maggie on the couch at night so I spend my nights alone save for the steady breathing of Ash in the next bed. Tonight, he enters the room and stops. I know he's staring at me curled up on my side facing away from him but I don't have any words of comfort for him so I remain silent.

I feel the bed dip as he sits down on the edge, "I miss him too, Camellia." He says softly pulling back a stray bit of hair from my face. "I really think he has a chance though." These are the first words he's said to anyone since the Reaping.

I feel the tears rise up instantly behind my eyelids. Ash sounds so grown up; when did that happen? He'll be ten in a few weeks; one year closer to the Reaping. My insides freeze at the thought and my mind lets out a wail that never reaches my lips. I sigh and turn over to face him, tears escaping down my cheeks. He lies down next to me and covers my hands with his.

"Don't listen to anything he says." I whisper shakily. "It's all for sponsors, Ash." He nods and I know he understands. I think he also realizes that I'm saying this out loud for my benefit as well. He's not even ten yet but already the despicable ways of the Capitol are clear to him.

I look at his eyes and see tears welling up, "I don't want to lose Linden like mom and dad." He says in a high, tight voice as tears start to fall down his cheeks as well. Inside I know that this loss won't be like when mom and dad died. This one will be far worse; we'll watch every minute of it, and judging by Linden's popularity in the Capitol, we'll have to relive it too.

I don't say this though as I squeeze his hands gently, "I know, Ash. I don't want that either." He buries his head against my shoulder and no more words are spoken. He sobs softly into me as my silent tears fall into his brown curls. There's not much comfort we can offer each other tonight besides holding one another. Tomorrow afternoon, Linden will rise up on a circular disc into the arena. From then on, he will be on is own save for the parachutes sent by Rowan Carson and I will be helpless as I watch him fight for his life.

I have restless dreams that night where Linden reaches through the glass of the television to me but I'm sitting too far away and I can't grab his hand to pull him back through into our world. I try and run closer but I can't get there fast enough before the screen goes black and he is gone forever.

When I wake, Ash is still curled up against me, lines across his forehead as he battles some unknown terror in his mind. I just lay there for a while knowing that today will be another long day of trying to keep busy so that my mind doesn't wander to Linden and what he must be feeling alone in the Capitol with all the riches and the death sentence surrounding him. I suppose he's probably already traveling by hovercraft to the holding area below the arena.

A chill runs down my spine at the thought and this is enough to wake Ash. His eyes open instantly. They're still red rimmed and puffy from last night; I'm sure mine are the same. He doesn't say a word as we look at each other. Last night is past and again he's receded back into his own mind. I brush his curls back and plant a light kiss on his hairline before I get out of bed. I creep past Maggie and Holly still asleep on the couch. Today there's nothing to do with the honey so decide I strike out toward the foothills. I want to get as far away from here as I can imagine. I grab the gathering bag and walk swiftly into the woods.

I don't end up gathering much of anything along the way out to the foothills and find myself sitting on the east bank of the pond before the hour is out. I sit trying to catch my breath after walking at such a quick pace. Linden would love being here today; the early June flowers are in full bloom and honeybees buzz about. The air is warm and sweet as it blows through the hills gently. It would be a perfect day if I weren't imagining all the horrible things that might happen to Linden within a few hours time.

I lie down in the tall grass and stare up at the gently moving clouds. It looks just like that early spring day months ago that I had spent with Linden in this same position. I close my eyes and let myself drift with the breeze and the humming bees almost in a trance.

It's the sound of a body moving through the tall grass that pulls me back to reality and I sit up quickly, slightly disoriented. I look around and there's the culprit. Ash is walking towards me slowly looking around at the scene.

He sits beside me and is silent for a moment before speaking, "I was worried about you coming out here alone."

"I would have been okay." I say flatly watching the waves in the pond lap up on its bank. "I've been out here enough. I could find my way back."

He rests his head on my shoulder, "Not what I meant." He mumbles and I know what he means. I let my head rest against his and we sit like this for ages before he says anything else.

"Are these your bees?" He murmurs as if he's half asleep.

"I don't know." I answer softly, "They could be. Probably some are. They can fly for miles to find food to survive."

"Miles?" He repeats disbelievingly.

"That's what mom always told me." I reply watching one land on a wildflower right in front of us.

"That's a long way to fly for some flowers."

"'Nature can survive almost anything because of its determination to live.' that's what mom used to say." There's a long pause where we just watch the bees.

"I barely remember mom anymore." He whispers, "Or dad. I'm afraid I'll forget Linden too."

"Linden's not dead yet, Ash." I say softly, reaching an arm around his shoulders. "He's going to fight his hardest to get back to us."

"I know." He says putting an arm around me as well, "I love you, Camellia."

It strikes me that Linden said this same thing to me in this very place only a few months earlier. I give a half smile even though Ash can't see it and it's the first honest smile I've given since the Reaping, "I love you too, Ash. I really do."

We sit until it's late morning and the sun is almost directly overhead. I get up and gather some cattail tubers for dinner quickly. Together, we make the journey back home and I don't rush this time. I know that when we get back there will be the beginning of the games to face. For a few moments longer, I want to pretend that this morning was just another morning spent with my brother.


	13. Chapter 13- The Games

**AN:**Hey everyone! Here's part 13. This one was tricky to write but hopefully you'll like it! My internet has been absolutely horrible lately (I'm posting from an academic building right now because we have no internet in my dorm) but hopefully this will all be sorted out and I'll be able to post the next part sometime next weekend. Please, please review! I love hearing from you and it really keeps me motivated!

_Warning_: This part is quite graphic, obviously since it's the Games. However, I just wanted to warn everyone before they read so no one is surprised!

**Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins so I do not own The Hunger Games.**

**Part 13- The Games**

Thankfully, no one comes knocking for me today. I'm free to watch the opening of the games in my home where no Capitol cameras will be fixed on my face recording my every move.

My stomach churns as the tributes are lifted into the arena and my heart starts to race. I can only imagine what they must be feeling as they look around the arena at their competition. The camera pans around in a circle showing the arena. It's as if it's divided into two separate worlds. The side they show first is a forest lush with plant life and good for concealing oneself. As it continues to pan, the camera reveals the second half of the arena to be a wasteland, dry packed dirt as far as the eye can see, but in the center of this area is a pool of clear blue water. The only obvious source of water in the entire arena I would be willing to bet. This would ensure that tributes would be drawn together in the open where blood could be shed.

I spot Linden on the side of the cornucopia farthest from the forest. My heart skips a beat. He'll have to cross through the center of the circle of tributes in order to reach the relative safety of the forest. His face is fixed in grim determination though and I know he intends to take off for the woods as quickly as possible.

All too soon the canon fires for the beginning of the game. As if propelled by the canon himself, Linden takes off through the center of the circle. He manages to pick up a bag and set of knives as he runs and reaches the edge of the supplies just as the tributes from the opposite side are arriving.

A tribute from eleven tries to wrench the pack from Linden but Linden slices his throat in a flash of metal and the blood spatters all over his right side. As he reaches the edge of the woods, he charges through the thick underbrush working quickly to put distance between himself and the other competitors.

The camera flashes away back to the bloodbath at the cornucopia where the other competitors are battling it out. There are about a dozen still in the center; the others must have taken off for the woods like Linden. Not surprisingly, the tributes from one and two are in the center defending the cornucopia. Anesta, the girl from ten, has managed to procure a set of knives as well and she slits one tribute, I think from five, from throat to gut his entrails pouring out next to him as he dies almost instantly.

I start to think that perhaps she's been included in the group of Careers this year until the girl from two lunges a spear her way. She ducks out of the way and takes off running for the woods. She manages to slice another tribute's neck along the way increasing her odds of winning that much more.

The bloodbath doesn't end there though. There are still two tributes, the girl from three and the boy from four, trying to take down the set from one. They are ultimately unsuccessful though as the boy has a spear shot through his throat and the girl's skull beaten in by a mace.

When the fighting ends, I see that the Careers have taken on some nontraditional members. There's the boy from three and a tall tanned girl from eleven. They gather all the supplies they can carry and strike out for the water in the wasteland.

They make camp there and the girl from eleven, named Jenera, starts to direct them in creating a shelter. The canon starts to fire; I count nine before it is silent. I let out a sigh of relief, which is quickly followed by a wave of disgust for feeling that way. Nine children died in the last twenty minutes; I shouldn't feel relieved. However, I can't help but feel more hopeful since that's nine fewer that Linden has to worry about.

I turn from the screen to see Holly holding her face in her hands.

"Holly," I ask moving next to her, "What's wrong sweetie?" I feel ridiculous asking this; she's just watched murder take place. But normally she doesn't react this way when watching The Games.

"Linden hurt that boy." She whispers in a horrified voice. Something cold stabs me in the gut.

"Holly, he only did it because that boy would have hurt him. He had to do it to stay safe." I explain desperately but it doesn't seem to sooth her.

"You didn't make Linden stay. He's safe here." She says looking up angrily at me. I see now that she's furious with me, that she probably has been since Linden left. She blames me and that's why she's been spending so much time with Maggie. In her mind, I have the power to make people stay with me if I want them to. In her mind I'm still more powerful than the Capitol and I just chose not to keep Linden here.

I look now to Maggie who is still staring blankly at the television, which is flashing all the tributes making their way through the woods. She won't be any help in trying to explain this to Holly.

"I couldn't stop him from going, Holly." I say softly taking her hands in mine but she wrenches them away from me immediately.

"You made him sad. He's sad now and he hurts people!" She yells at me.

"Shut up, Holly." Ash says flatly from his seat on the couch, "Camellia didn't do anything."

"She did too!" Holly screeches pushing Ash away from her, "She made Linden leave and I hate her!" She jumps down from the couch and runs up to our room slamming the door behind her.

I lean back against the couch placing a hand on my forehead as I continue to keep my eyes on the television. My insides are tearing apart as my world falls to pieces. I try to breathe steadily as I watch the screen flashing the faces of terrified looking children running through the forest.

Linden flashes on the screen and he's found an old tree that has hollowed out in the center making a type of cave. He is working on disguising the opening and I know that he's planning to take shelter here.

Once he's satisfied that the notch in the tree is concealed he sits to look through his backpack that he had to kill a tribute for. It has some crackers, a container for water, another jacket much like the one he is already wearing and some rope. He takes the rope and throws the pack over his shoulder before walking quite a distance. He uses it to set a few snares once he finds a good tree. Good. He's trying to catch food but he doesn't want the snares too close to where he'll be sleeping incase they are discovered.

The sun is starting to set so he heads back to his shelter and the camera flashes to the tributes from six who are both huddled beneath a willow tree. It must be getting cold because they are sitting as close as possible rubbing their hands together. It's clear they know practically nothing about survival. Their spot now leaves them visible to anyone who passes by and gives no shelter from the elements.

Just as the thought is formed in my mind, the screen flashes to another tribute, the girl from five. She's leaning against a tall tree with no cover. Her eyes are closed as she tries to catch her breath. The camera flashes to another angle showing that Anesta is there, knife in hand, walking up to the girl slowly as if she's trying not to frighten her. In the setting sunlight, the blade of the knife is stained red, as is Anesta's face.

The girl opens her eyes when a mockingbird flies close overhead. She looks down and sees Anesta walking toward her but makes no movement except to widen her eyes in terror. When there are only a handful of steps before Anesta will reach the girl, she takes off. I've seen rabbits do something similar, running wildly in any direction trying to flee their predator. Anesta is trained though and she closes the space quickly, pinning the girl to the ground before slitting her throat. Anesta remains on top of her as she twitches and shakes wildly as a last effort to try and save her already hopeless life. As the girl takes her last breaths, Anesta bends her face close to the girl's ear and whispers to her but the cameras don't pick up her words.

The girl's eyes close and her body goes limp before the canon fires. Anesta stands up and starts off running from her spot in the woods. The hovercraft appears and scoops up the body of the girl from District 5. I feel my body shiver with revulsion; I start to think Anesta must have no conscience if she hunts down helpless tributes to slaughter.

Night has fallen in the arena just as it has here in District 7. The anthem is played and on the screen the faces of dead tributes are flashed. There are ten in all: the girl from three, the boy from four, the girl from five whose blood is still fresh on the forest floor, the boy from five killed by Anesta in the bloodbath, the girl from eight, both from nine, the boy from eleven that reached for Linden's backpack, both from twelve.

I think this must be some sort of record- nearly half the tributes dead in the first day. I stand and stretch my stiff limbs as the program turns to two announcers talking about today's events. Their excitement over the bloodshed is horrifying. I want to demand how they could possibly find entertainment through murder but there's no way to speak with them through the screen. After this, they will resume showing the games and I will spend the night watching and hoping that Linden is safe.

"You need to get to bed, Ash." I say gently, "You have school tomorrow."

"I can't skip?" He asks but it sounds more like a statement since he already knows the answer. I wouldn't let him stay home to watch the Games all day even if he begged me. No child needs to see that; no adult really does either.

"No," I reply and take the empty spot next to Maggie on the couch, "Make sure Holly goes to sleep too if she hasn't already." I say. He nods knowing that Holly will already have cried herself to sleep.

"She didn't mean what she said you know." He whispers, "She's just upset. She doesn't understand."

I give a weak smile, "I know, Ash. I just don't think she'll want to talk with me right now."

He nods and goes up to bed. I turn the volume on the television down and sit silently with Maggie. I wonder if she'll ever talk again. She hasn't said a word since her interview in front of the Justice Building the day of the Reaping. I know how she feels though; sometimes I just want to shut down too. If it weren't for Ash and Holly, I probably would have. She's still in there of course, probably more terrified than I am. Linden is her only son and last living family member after all. It can't be easy to keep it all inside but she's probably afraid that once she starts to let the feelings out they'll never stop until she dies.

We sit silently next to one another and I move to hold her hand; hers is cold but her grasp is firm as she lets our fingers twine together. This is our only solace as we face a night of horrible possibilities.

The night drags on as the cameras flip between the tributes. There are no shots of Linden since he is well concealed behind the covering he made for his tree. A boy wanders by in the middle of the night but has no idea that Linden is lying right next to him. He continues on and Linden doesn't reveal himself.

The Careers have successfully made shelter and Myles, the boy tribute from district three, is drawing up plans for traps in the dusty dirt of the wasteland. He describes intricate traps that will hold a tribute until they can arrive and finish the poor person off.

The girl from one, Jewel, seems to be following or at least attempting to. The same cannot be said of her partner, Onyx. He stares blankly at the scribbles in the dirt, clearly lost in the complexities of this plan. Periodically, he speaks up to assure the others he can kill off anyone they can catch.

Talia and Travers, the girl and boy tributes from two, both seem restless watching the tree line carefully for any potential prey. The moon is high in the sky before Jenera tells everyone they should get some sleep. Talia takes first watch and the camera flashes away from the Career camp.

The screen closes in on the twelve-year-old girl from district four. She's huddled in a clearing under the trees where moonlight streams down over her tiny body. She clearly doesn't know how to conceal herself either just like the tributes of six. She's crying; her shoulders shake as she curls in on herself. Anyone nearby would hear her easily. Lucky for her, no one seems to be nearby since she's left alone.

I doze off at some point on the couch and wake just as the sun is rising. I wake Ash and Holly for school. I no longer have to attend since I'm officially of age and I don't have any reason to leave the house today so I let Ash walk Holly to school alone. I settle back onto the couch waiting for any glimpse of Linden.

The tributes are starting to wake and move around again as the sun streams over the arena. Jenera and Travers head into the forest; she knows which plants can be eaten. There was only a limited amount of food available from the cornucopia this year. The Careers must have realized this quickly, which was why they allowed Jenera into their ranks. Being from eleven, she would hold the most potential for finding a food source.

The scene flashes to little Amelia who is wandering through the forest. She's stumbling though and I realize all the tributes who ran into the woods have been without water for an entire day now. Her mind is clearly not functioning properly because of this and she continues to stumble loudly through the woods.

The scene flashes back to Jenera and Travers who hear movement off to their left. Travers takes off stealthily toward the commotion while Jenera follows. He readies his spear and launches it before Amelia even knows that she's been found. She lets out a weak scream as the spear impales her and whimpers when Travers yanks the spear from her.

"Let's go." He orders to Jenera, "I'm starving."

Amelia's hands rise to cover her stomach as blood spreads over her shirt. She's gasping and the camera moves in more closely so viewers can see the tears sliding down her pained face. Her gasps become garbled and she gives a cough. Blood starts to trickle from her mouth as she tries to whisper her last words. The cameras can't hear them though and so they are lost to the forest forever.

It's a horrible way to start the morning; I feel sick to my stomach. I never knew Amelia personally but I know that her family and friends will be mourning her today and for the rest of their lives. Maggie grips my hand again and I see her blank eyes are fixed on me. This upsets her too but her son is still alive. For us there is still hope.

What has the Capitol turned us into? We can't help but celebrate the death of a child now that it means our loved one is one step closer to coming home. I don't know how I will ever be able to reconcile these feelings with one another. Love and death have become intertwined for me now. I can't have one without the other.

Linden is on our screen now and my focus returns to the television. He is checking his snares and one has caught a squirrel. He cleans and guts it before taking bites of the raw meat; he must not want to start a fire during the day. He gathers the rope from the snares and returns them to his backpack before starting deeper into the forest.

He keeps looking up at the trees overhead for some reason and I realize why when I hear the thunder in the distance. He needs water but he doesn't want to return to the wasteland and face the Careers; the possibility of this storm is the answer. He starts searching around in the trees pulling down moss that hangs from the oldest pines.

He finds an area where the trees are thin and the dark sky is clearly visible before setting out the moss. The rain starts not long after and it's immediately a downpour. This is clearly a rain created by the Gamemakers because no storm starts so quickly and intensely. Linden finds a plant with large leaves and drinks hungrily at the rain falling down the center of them; he is barely able to swallow three mouthfuls before the rain stops as suddenly as it started.

"It's a tease." I say my voice hoarse from disuse. The Gamemakers gave just enough rain to make the tributes realize just how thirsty they really are but not enough to satisfy anyone.

Linden licks off what water is left on the leaf and hurries over to the moss. He wrings out the moisture into his container and there is just enough to fill it. That will last him at least the day if he's smart about it. He walks back over to the giant leaves and tips some of the more upright ones, which drip more water onto his parched tongue. I begin to feel hopeful; Linden knows how to survive and that might just be enough to put him above his competitors.

The camera flashes away to the girl from District 4; she's standing in a clearing again shaking with dry sobs. "I want to go home," she cries up at the sky. There is no answer however, just the sun beating down on her tanned face.

The screen continues to flash the other tributes. The boy from ten is still wandering weaponless. Both from six are still together under the willow tree and the boy from eight is also collecting water from the leaves of plants as Linden had earlier.

Jenera has found some bushes with oddly shaped nuts that she recognizes as edible so she sets Travers to pick as many as they can. I note that there's a patch of onions right behind them but Jenera doesn't point it out. Somehow I doubt that she would miss such an obvious food source being from eleven and I figure that she's probably keeping other food sources a secret. As long as she can provide for the group, they'll be more likely to keep her alive since none of the Careers know how to find food for themselves.

After Jenera and Travers get back to the Career camp, Jewel and Myles head out to set some booby-traps in the forest as he had planned. The camera follows them for nearly an hour and I know that things must be slow in the woods, which is reason to celebrate; Linden must be safe.

Ash and Holly come home and sit with us in the living room. This is how the next three days go. Not much in the arena changes but I can't move myself from the television for more than a few moments at a time. I fear that, as soon as I look away, something terrible will befall Linden.

The rain comes every morning and some of the tributes start going mad from the thirst. It's clear that this trick by the Gamemakers is working; soon they will have no choice but to return to the wasteland for water. Anesta wanders into a tracker jacker nest the third day and is stung three times. She's lost in a world of madness and horrific terrors for a day and a half before she comes to in the middle of the woods. Somehow no one finds her during this time and I guess she must be pretty far away from all the other tributes.

By the end of the fifth day, thirteen tributes still remain. The Capitol must be getting restless due to the lack of bloodshed so the Gamemakers take things into their own hands. A pack of wild dogs is set into the arena but these can't be normal animals because it's as if they know exactly where every tribute is and they split into sets of two instead of hunting as a pack.

The camera flashes wildly between those remaining; the Careers easily take down the dogs that find them with their spears. Anesta proves her skill with a knife once again as she takes down two dogs in as many swipes without so much as a scratch to herself.

The camera flashes to Linden whose eyes widen as he sees the two brown mutts racing towards him. He readies is knife and stabs the first straight through the chest as it lunges for him but the second is on him before he can pull his knife back. They fall to the ground in a blur of fabric and fur and the dog growls lowly. Linden lets out a yell before a flash of silver and blood silences the second dog.

He stands slowly as he pushes the dead dog off of him and looks down at his left arm. The dog bit him and he's now bleeding freely from the deep wound. Unfortunately there's no water to clean it with so Linden uses some moss and a bit of twine from the snares as a bandage before he starts making his way through the woods again.

Not all the tributes have the same luck however. The girl from four finally gets her wish but she won't be going home in one piece. The dogs tear her apart before something calls them off of her. The claw of the hovercraft has to reach down three times before it can collect all of her remains. The boy from ten gives them a fight before a dog that bites him right in the throat takes him down too. In a moment of instinct, the two from six climb up into their willow tree and wait until the dogs are eventually called off. Somehow the boy from eight is able to beat the dogs to death with a large branch he had picked up while on the move.

It is a truly gruesome scene and I hope that that will be enough to sustain the Capitol citizens for a while. I get my wish when more drama unfolds before the night ends between the Careers.

Talia and Jewel have taken the first watch and sit slightly away from camp.

"We should get rid of Jenera." Talia says firmly. "There's something about her. She's going to turn against us soon- I can tell."

"She's our only source of food." Jewel counters, glancing over her shoulder at the sleeping forms behind her.

Talia shakes her head, "Not anymore. She's shown us enough plants that we'll be able to do it on our own. She's no good at fighting. We don't need her."

Jewel shrugs her shoulder, "Why not? One less to deal with right?"

Talia nods and eagerly asks, "Do we do it now?"

"No." Jewel says firmly, "We'll wait until she takes one of us out into the woods to gather. She's not a fighter, like you said, so we'll have no problem taking her down alone. That way we can say that something else attacked her- another dog or something- and we couldn't save her in time. Myles won't be suspicious then."

"We don't really need him anymore either. The traps are set." She says mercilessly.

"Just take it one at a time." Jewel says getting up to wake Onyx for his shift, "There's no hurry remember."

The night moves slowly and each Career switches every hour for the night watch. Soon Jenera is left with Myles for the last shift before dawn. They sit silently for a while before Jenera stands.

"What?" Myles asks worriedly, "Is someone coming?"

"No." She says heading towards the woods, "I need to pee. I'll be right back."

As soon as she makes it to the tree line she takes off running as fast as she can from the Career camp. She must have heard them talking about their plan to kill her and decided she'd rather get out sooner than later. When Talia and Jewel wake up and realize that Jenera has run off, Talia and Onyx take off into the woods to search for her but she's already an hour ahead and still hasn't stopped running.

The camera switches between these two parties for half the day before Onyx and Talia finally manage to catch up. Talia was right; Jenera is not much of a fighter. She throws the only knife she's carrying and Jewel ducks easily out of its way. Onyx bashes her head in with one deft swing of his mace. Jenera's eyes flicker between the two for a moment before they close and the canon goes off.

Onyx has a disgusting smirk on his face as he and Talia head back toward camp. Unfortunately for the boy from eight, he wanders too close to their path. Talia hears his footsteps and grabs Onyx's arm pulling him to a stop. She moves silently through the trees with her knife; she reminds me of the wild cougars we learn about in school. The knife lodges in the boy's back before he realizes that he's being followed. Onyx dents his skull in for good measure even though the canon goes off just before he aims.

Back at camp, Travers is restless and he's decided to take it out on Myles, "You're traps haven't caught anyone, Myles." He points out, "Why do we keep feeding you when you're not holding up your end of the bargain?"

"They- they will!" He assures the boy. "You just have to be patient."

"Well, we don't really need you to be around for the traps to work do we? I figure they'll work just as well with you dead as alive." Jewel walks up behind Travers with a malicious gleam in her eyes.

"You- they might need to be reset!" He says taking a step back. "I can come up with better ones." He suggests taking another step. But it's too late, Jewel pulls out an axe and lodges it right between his shoulder blades before he can run five yards. The canon fires for the last time that night. Eight tributes left. I doze off on the couch with a still statuesque Maggie next to me.

Things in the arena slow down once again. There aren't many tributes left and they are all spread out around the arena by now. The Careers decide to split up the day after Myles and Jenera are killed figuring the pool was getting too small to continue the alliance. Linden continues to thrive in the forest. The cameras don't show much of him and I assume it's because he can conceal himself so well they just can't find him. His wound from the dogs seems to be infected but a parachute comes that contains a salve. Within a few hours, the infection has receded. It appears that Rowan might actually be doing his job for once; otherwise Johanna has taken Linden on since Amelia is dead.

The cameras from the Capitol return to interview Linden's family and friends now that he has reached the final eight. Heelia tries to talk with Maggie first but it fails miserably as Maggie won't glance away from the television screen for a moment. Heelia is delighted however when I sit down with her.

"Camellia, you've definitely shown good judgment thus far. Can you believe that Linden has made it to the final eight tributes?" She asks excitedly leaning in towards me on the couch.

"I'm not at all surprised. I think we all agree he's proven himself to be skilled in survival. I never doubted that he'd demonstrate the ability to win this competition."

"The people in the Capitol have all been asking me, 'Will Camellia join Linden in the Capitol if he wins?' Can you answer them for me, Camellia?"

I stare at her in shock for a moment. I wasn't expecting there to be questions pertaining to me in this interview. This was supposed to be about how Linden has persevered and will show a renewed determination to win during this last leg of the competition.

"I- I don't know." I stumble but regain my composure with a smile, "I will if he'll have me. I would just love to go shopping and attend all those wonderful parties in the Capitol."

"Oh goodie!" She squeals excitedly, "I'm sure you'll have no shortage of invitations. A beautiful young woman like you brings such life to every party."

She asks a few more vapid questions about my social life and how I think Linden will be able to pull through and win the Games. After the cameras are gone and the door shut behind them, I let out a sigh of relief; hopefully all this will be over in a few days time and Linden will be coming home to me shortly.

The next morning I can no longer put it off. I have to go into town to deliver the mending that Maggie has finished and pick up the new work for this week. I wake Holly and Ash as I get dressed. I hate to leave the television but I know I'll be able to keep tabs as I walk from house to house since they have giant projection screens all over the square. If anything important starts to take place, the city bells will ring signaling that everyone should tune in.

Holly doesn't say a word to me and she refuses to make eye contact with anyone. She's still angry with me for letting Linden leave. Ash slowly gets ready and we leave Maggie on the couch still staring into oblivion. Holly walks a few paces in front of us all the way to school and runs into the schoolyard without saying goodbye. Ash gives me a quick hug before ambling his way up the steps of the building.

I make a few stops at houses right near the school. The people are understanding about the late delivery and inquire how Maggie is doing. I assure them she's doing as well as one could expect, which is to say, not all that well.

I'm just crossing the town square again with several bags full of mending for Maggie to work on when the Justice Building bells start to ring. The giant screens on the side of the building flash the tributes from six hiding up in the branches of the willow. I had nearly forgotten they were still alive. A crowd quickly forms in the square as the merchants and customers pour out of buildings to see what significant event is happening.

Suddenly Linden wanders into sight just under the willow tree. The unarmed boy from six clearly must be losing his mind because he jumps out of the tree onto Linden.

Linden shouts as the boy impacts with him and they both crash to the ground. The boy punches haphazardly at Linden who momentarily struggles as he figures out his bearings. In a quick smooth motion, Linden flips the boy off of him and slices his throat open. The girl from six lets out a terrifying scream and Linden's head snaps in her direction quick enough to see her jumping from the tree bearing her fingernails like claws. Linden plants the knife deep into her abdomen as she falls into him. This time he doesn't lose his balance and pulls the knife from her gently as he quickly slits her throat too. The canon fires twice and he gets away as quickly as he can before the hovercraft comes down.

A murmur runs through the crowd; the pool is down to six now. Everyone starts to disperse back to his or her building but something else is happening. There's static coming through the speakers, except it takes me a moment to realize that it's not static at all. It's hissing. A great orange snake slithers past the screen after Linden.

It takes Linden a moment to catch on, but once he does, he takes off running faster than I've ever seen him. The screen flashes multiple times showing each tribute running from their own giant orange snake.

I walk closer to the screen as I watch the snakes close in. They run for what seems like hours but is really only a handful of minutes before the snakes suddenly turn around and slither off into the forest again. Linden still wears a look of confusion when Jewel and Onyx walk into the same clearing.

My body freezes at the same moment that Linden tenses. No. This is no good. Jewel is on him in a blur of hair and gleam of knives. He somehow manages to throw her to the ground, knocking the wind out of her, but before he can kill her Onyx is taking aim with his mace. Linden ducks just in time but the mace still comes down hard against his shoulder. I hear a deafening crack through the speakers. He yells as he drives his knife into Onyx's neck and swiftly pulls it back out, turning to finish Jewel off before Onyx's body has even hit the ground.

I drop what I'm carrying and run to the front of the crowd, "Linden, please." I start as a whisper but get louder as I repeat it over and over as I move closer. "Please!" I beg as I reach the screen.

He turns and the camera pans with him but Jewel is nowhere to be seen. The canon fires and he turns to leave.

"Look out!" I yell as Jewel comes running across the clearing, knife bared. He barely turns around to face her before she tackles him to the ground, stabbing him just under his ribcage. He gives a sharp cry of pain as the blood quickly seeps through his shirt.

Jewel lets out a maniacal laugh as she pulls the knife out and moves to finish him off.

"No!" I try to scream but it comes out as just a whisper. The crowd has fallen completely silent around me and only the sound of the Games can be heard.

Something comes hurling into the screen, knocking Jewel off of Linden onto the ground a few feet away. I recognize the blur as Anesta just before she slices Jewel's abdomen open. The canon fires as she turns back to Linden who's already up and staring at her. He's gasping for air but he's still coherent and wielding his knife.

He runs unsteadily toward her with a primal yell. He pins her to a tree and reaches up to slit her throat. Just as the metal touches her skin she twists out from under his grip agitating his broken shoulder. He lets out a cry of pain and holds his arm back against his torso. In one deft movement, she throws her knife and it lodges cleanly in his stomach eliciting another cry of pain.

"LINDEN!" I scream at the screen as though if I scream loud enough he might be able to hear and remember to fight for me.

I watch helplessly as he staggers back and loses his balance, falling to the soft forest floor with a thud. Anesta moves to stand above him and removes the knife still clutched loosely in his hand before dropping to her knees. He's gasping and blood is pooling beneath him. I can tell he doesn't have much time left and hope that a parachute will come floating down with some instant solution to save him.

She takes her knife back from his stomach and stares directly into his eyes as, in one quick movement, she cleanly slices his neck open. I watch frozen in silent terror as blood spurts from his neck as his heart tries to keep him alive but in doing so ensures his certain death. I can't breath as I watch him struggle to hold his hands against his neck. His eyes are wide and scared as Anesta holds his hands down to keep him still.

She leans close to him still looking him straight in the eyes, a cold-blooded killer. She whispers something and doesn't release his arms until she's sure he's dead. The canon fires and as it does I'm sure it hits me deep inside, knocking the wind out of me.

She slides his eyelids closed over his glassy, lifeless eyes, her bloodied hands resting there for a moment as she mutters something the cameras don't catch. Then, after just a moments pause, she turns and runs back into the forest so the hovercraft can reach down to take the bodies away.

They leave Linden's body for last, allowing the audience to gaze upon his lifeless form for those few extra moments; so they can appreciate how far their idol has fallen from his days spent in the Capitol. They're flaunting their power. I can't look way even as the claw reaches down to pick him up.

As the hovercraft closes around him, something snaps inside me. My body is shaking uncontrollably as I take off just like a terrified animal pushing people carelessly out of my way. I run towards the only place I know no cameras or Capitol interviewers will find me- the woods.

**AN: **And there you go. Please take the time to review and let me know what you think! I would appreciate it more than you know. Also, if you enjoyed it add this story to your alerts list so you can follow! You can also contact me on my tumblr: **thegirlofdistrict7 **I would to hear from you!


	14. Chapter 14- Start Again

AN: Thank you everyone for the reviews from the last chapter! I was amazed by how attached some people had become to Linden. I cried while writing that chapter so I'm glad that it had an impact on you all as well. I really wanted to convey the emotions that Camellia felt. So now I present you with the next chapter! I hope you enjoy it!

_Both songs in this part are by The Wailin' Jennys. The first is two versus from Arlington and the other is the refrain from Long Time Traveller. They're a great trio so I highly recommend you check them out. And obviously I do not own the songs._

**Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins therefore I do not own The Hunger Games.**

**Part 14- Start Again**

I tear through the underbrush like an animal gone mad- and maybe I am. It can't be real. It was just a trick on the television. This is only another nightmare. I'm sure I'll wake up soon. But I don't wake up.

I can't see clearly as the tears fill my eyes and I stumble over roots. Branches and thorns grab at my face and clothing as I push deep into the woods where no paths have been made.

But nothing stops me. I run until I can no longer breath because of the stabbing pain in my sides. I collapse onto the ground, my body shaking, and I scream. It sounds alien to my ears, like some wild beast that's been fatally wounded. I wish that my body would shatter to pieces but all I can do is scream.

Linden is gone. Dead. Killed by a murderer from eight. She held him down until his heart stopped. She stared into his eyes and enjoyed it as she watched the life drain out of them.

I am here. I have failed him. I am not dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I could stop breathing. It hurts to breathe. I wish something could stop this pain.

My thoughts proceed in a fragmented pattern for an eternity before my voice is raw from wailing and my eyes have run out of tears. After this, my entire being shuts down as I lean against a tree and will some deadly animal to jump the electrical fence in the mountains and kill me here in the forest. If this quick death doesn't come, I will sit here until my body gives out.

Thunder rumbles in the distance over the mountains. The thought occurs to me that maybe I will be struck by lightning or a fire will start in the woods and engulf me. I don't move even when I hear footsteps come towards me. How they found me, I don't know, but I will not go with them. I refuse to leave these woods alive.

"You done running halfway to District 6 or do you want to have another go?" Cypress asks as he settles himself next to me. I don't answer and continue to stare at the dirt in front of me.

"Everyone is worried about you, Holly and Ash included." He says gruffly and waits for me to reply. When I don't he continues, "I can't carry you outta here kid. You're gonna have to walk on your own two feet whether you like it or not."

I still don't budge so he leans against the tree with a sigh. We sit in silence for a while before he speaks up again, "I know you don't want to be alive right now. You'd rather die because it's the easier way out. But you have those two kids to think about. You'd be damn selfish to leave them to fend for themselves."

I hate him for saying this. He doesn't understand they'd be better off without me. I'm dying now. The last hold out is this stupid heart of mine that won't quit beating even though it's been shattered.

"Laurel had an aunt you know." He says softly and it takes a moment to register in my mind. I'd never met this aunt. He continues, "She was sixteen when she got reaped. She died on the third day of the Games by a spear from a tribute that died the next day. I didn't want to keep going after that but I had to. I had Laurel's dad to think about, you see. I won't lie to you- it doesn't ever go away. It'll get easier though after it gets harder."

I don't know what he expects me to say so I look up at the sky and whisper, "I can't breathe."

He nods knowingly, "You could just give up, kid, let yourself fade away until you die too. Nobody can stop you. Most people wouldn't even blame you. But you still have two good reasons to live. You've got to tell yourself to keep breathing- for them."

The thought of walking out of these woods is too much. I whisper, "I don't want to."

"No one can make you live if you want to die." He agrees, "But just think of how that will hurt Ash and Holly. They've already lost so many people they love. Do you really want to add yourself to that list?"

This thought makes my shattered heart tear at the inside of my chest with a pain so real I place my hands over the place where it used to be. The tears start again and my body is wracked with a new round of sobbing. Cypress puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his chest as I cry.

How can I walk out of here and keep living? There's too much pain. I'm not in control of my body anymore. How can I leave my brother and sister alone though? I've fought so long to keep them alive. I can't abandon them now. It's all too much; I can't make the choice Cypress is asking me to.

"I know kid," he sooths, the pain palpable in his voice, "I know it hurts like hell."

I don't stop crying until my body is completely exhausted. Thunder claps loudly just overhead warning that the storm is arriving. Cypress stands and holds out a hand, "The storm is coming. You've got a decision to make, kid. Are you going to walk out of this forest with me or sit here and wait to die?"

As he says this, my mind flashes images of me during the first weeks after mom and dad died, how horrible they were, and then images of Ash and Holly. I can't do that to them. They need me. No matter how broken I might be I need to try and give them what they need.

I take Cypress's hand and stand unsteadily. It's a long walk back to my house; I've run farther into the woods than I imagined. The rain starts coming down in sheets when we're about halfway there but I hardly feel the chill of it.

When we arrive on the porch dripping and chilled to the bone, Juni opens the door and pushes us towards the warm fire as she gathers towels. Laurel is there too and she guides me to my room, changing me into dry pajamas. Juni brings up some warm broth as Laurel combs out my matted hair silently. This is the calmest I've ever seen her but I say nothing as I slowly spoon the broth to my mouth.

"We have to go and watch the recap." Laurel whispers as she continues brushing through my hair even though the knots are all out. Uncontrollable shivers run through my body as Laurel leads me downstairs and I sit on the couch.

Maggie isn't there; I look at all the faces in the room but she's nowhere in sight. "Where is Maggie?" I ask my voice hoarse and flat.

"She went home after..." Juni answers softly, "Red is there with her."

Ash and Holly are sitting on the floor- Holly with her hands over her face and Ash staring dully at the floor with red-rimmed puffy eyes. A stab of pain goes through me; I wasn't there for them after they found out. They would have been watching the Games in school after the bells rang in the square and so they would have seen Linden die live as well. They didn't run though. They were surrounded by their peers with no escape. I hadn't even thought to find them and a wave of guilt rushes over me now as I realize this.

The recap starts in the morning under the willow tree; I watch the scene play out with dread knowing that each passing minute brings me closer to reliving Linden's death. They show Talia and Travers making their way through the woods tracking Anesta.

I start to tremble when the hissing starts and I see Ash is too. Holly is rocking back and fourth, eyes shut tightly against the world and hands firmly over her ears. I reach a hand out to Ash and he takes it, squeezing so tightly I lose feeling in my fingers. It's this hand that keeps me tethered to reality as I watch Linden kill Onyx and fight Jewel. The moment that Anesta slits his throat I squeeze Ash's hand back with a whimper but I can't tear my eyes away from the scene. I keep hoping that somehow it will change this time. It doesn't of course; Anesta keeps Linden from holding his neck and whispers whatever cruel words she is thinking. I want to rip her bloody hand off as she closes his eyes. Those are my eyes; she has no right to touch them.

The pain is back again in full force and my breath is coming too short, too fast. I sit frozen on the couch still gripping Ash's hand. He's the only thing keeping me from running back into the woods and waiting for death to take me.

The program ends showing that Talia and Travers are right on Anesta's tail. The announcers guess that the Games will be over by tomorrow evening. I lay my head on my knees, curling my body into itself, but I don't let go of Ash's hand. I hear Cypress talking to Holly trying to get her to open her eyes so she can go to bed. It takes about a half an hour before she will move and Juni gives her a dose of sleeping syrup before she goes to bed.

"Camellia," Laurel says softly, placing a hand on my back. "It's over. Juni wants to give you syrup before you go to sleep."

I look up and see a spoon hovering in front of me with dark sweet smelling liquid. I don't think twice about it before I drink the medicine and see Ash is doing the same. Laurel and Juni lead us both up to bed and I lay down next to Ash in his bed, never letting go of his hand.

I'm stuck in a shadowy world where the true horrors are dulled but I know something bad is happening because of the ominous feeling. I'm running after a black figure but I can't make out who it is. I try to scream but when I do my voice is too hoarse to carry. The dream goes on for an eternity before I'm able to pry my eyes open to the weak, grey light of predawn.

I flex my fingers that have remained wrapped around Ash's all night. This doesn't wake him so I know the syrup is still working. I don't make any other move to get out of bed though; it's hard enough to breath as it is.

I must lie there for a few hours judging by the changing sunlight. Holly stirs a bit but doesn't get up either and Ash is still fast asleep. Juni comes in carrying a tray with three bowls of porridge balanced on it.

"Camellia, dear, I know you're awake. Sit up and eat this." The quite voice says and a bowl is moved into my line of vision. I do sit but I don't eat more than a few bites before I put the bowl aside. It tastes like mud and it turns to cement in my mouth. Juni gives a sigh, "Come on then. Get out of bed and I'll help you get dressed."

I don't want to move but Juni continues to stand, waiting for me, so I wager that she's not going to leave until I get out of bed. I drag myself to the end of the bed and stand slowly; my entire body feels stiff and I wonder if it's because of the sleep syrup or the trauma of yesterday.

Juni helps dress me since my body doesn't seem to answer to my mind anymore. She guides me gently down the stairs and when I reach the bottom I see Cypress is already there waiting for me. He looks up at me with tired eyes and I guess he didn't sleep well last night either.

"Hey kid," He says standing up, "Laurel said you've got work to do with the bees so I figured I could give a hand."

I stare blankly at him for a moment; I had forgotten about the bees. The thought of walking all the way out to the hives is enough to overwhelm me let alone all the work to be done once I got there, "I can't."

He gives a sigh and puts a hand between my shoulders giving me a little push, "You can, kid. Just take it one step at a time."

I move forward, propelled only by Cypress's hand on my back. I don't have the will to refuse him. We barely make it into the forest before I hear the hissing.

"No!" I scream slamming my hands over my ears but, as I do, I know that it wasn't the hissing orange snakes I heard but the humming of the bees. The hives are sitting just a few feet in front of me. This realization doesn't erase the hissing that's now permeating my mind however.

Cypress doesn't say anything; he just waits. I sit on the ground for nearly an hour before I manage to silence the hissing in my mind and take my hands slowly from my ears.

"It'll get easier." He says in his gruff voice as he walks up to the hives, "Now, I can't do this without you; I'm not Laurel. You're going to have to tell me what to do."

He puts on a hood and hands me one. I move closer to the hives and start working on cutting the combs from the top bars. Cypress watches me for a while then starts to work from the other end until we meet in the middle. We clear the honey of bees and smash the combs up before setting them to strain.

We only finish one hive, which is far less than I normally do in an afternoon but exhaustion overcomes me. It's late afternoon by now I sit against a tree looking up at the clear blue-sky overhead. The air is hot but the breeze that rustles through the trees helps cool the day down. The sun catches the leaves of a nearby tree just right and it lights them up the exact color of Linden's eyes.

The tears come on suddenly but today they're silent at least. I'll never look into those eyes again. The last memory I will have of them for the rest of my life is the cold glassy stare as a bloody hand slides them shut. Again, Cypress doesn't say anything but he waits by my side until the tears stop. I stand and walk home with him in silence; we have the recap of the Games to watch after all.

The final showdown does happen today as the announcers predicted. It happens in the early morning hours as Talia and Travers track Anesta into a valley in the woods. Anesta doesn't try to flee as she turns to face them. Travers goes down first, Anesta throwing her knife and burying it deep in his gut. She dodges Talia's spear and reaches Travers, who is still alive for a moment, until she slices down his abdomen. The canon fires as she turns to face Talia. Two cold-blooded killers staring each other down in the arena- each one is the only thing standing between the other and her home.

But really the Games were already won a long time ago. Anesta had come this far and she wasn't about to lose now. It is clear that she can already taste home; part of her being is already back home in ten with her parents and her twin brother. They lunge for each other and as Talia's spear drives into her gut Anesta slashes her throat open, spraying them both with blood.

The canon fires and I can practically feel the Capitol is holding its breath, waiting to see which tribute is the last one standing. A voice booms across the arena, "Congratulations to Anesta Delau, winner of the 71st Annual Hunger Games." The hovercraft swoops down, picks up the bodies and it's finally done. The announcers come on the screen and begin to rehash all the moments that led up to Anesta's win. Juni turns the set off and spares us all from reliving Linden's death again. She takes Holly upstairs and Ash quickly follows her.

Cypress stands and crosses the room but before he leaves he turns back. "Well, you did it, kid." He says just as he's about to walk out the door, "You made it through the day and you're still breathing." It's a small victory to be sure and I have no idea how I'll be able to do it all over again tomorrow. I'm still not sure that I want to do it all over again tomorrow.

Juni doesn't come the next morning. Laurel is there though. She says Juni is tending to a lumberjack who was severely injured last night. Laurel tries to coax me out of bed but she doesn't have the same air as Juni. I don't move. I can't move. She gives a sad glance over her shoulder as she leaves the room but I have nothing to offer her. There is nothing left in me today.

Laurel brings broth up for dinner and tries to get me to eat. I try, but I can't swallow the stuff. It tastes like blood when I close my eyes. Ash and Holly don't fair much better.

"I'm so sorry, Camellia." Laurel whispers as she brushes my hair away from my face and plants a kiss on my temple. I don't respond. There's nothing to say; her sadness won't bring Linden back from the dead and it won't relieve this stabbing pain in my gut.

"I'll be back tomorrow." She adds softly before she leaves the room and I hear the front door shut behind her.

There's no required viewing tonight so I lay in bed wishing everything would stop. I don't leave the bed until I need to pee. I move slowly like some kind of statue and it feels foreign to my muscles. Afterward, I sit on the porch steps and watch the sunset as the fireflies come out. Was it really only four years ago that I sat on these same steps with Linden while he first told me he loved me? It feels like a lifetime.

The same thoughts cycle through my mind, haunting me. I stare into the darkness that is only broken by a soft burst of light, which quickly fades as the bugs fly through the sky in front of me.

My name is Camellia Goldenlarch. Linden Hollbrook was the love of my life and my fiancée. We first kissed in this very place. He is dead. He was murdered in the 71st Hunger Games. I am still here. I have a brother and sister that need me to be strong. I'm not strong. I am broken. I'm afraid I won't hold it together for them. Part of me doesn't want to hold it together for them.

Ash comes out letting the door swing shut behind him and takes a seat next to me. We don't talk; we just watch the sparks of light float through the air. There are no words to describe what we're feeling and there are none that could console either of us. Silence is better.

The door creaks open and shut slowly as small feet walk hesitantly across the wood of the porch. "Camellia?" The small voice asks and I turn to see Holly standing behind me with tears in her eyes, her face crumpling up in sorrow. This is the first time she's spoken to me since the opening of the games and a renewed round of pain permeates my entire body.

"Yeah, Holly?" I ask softly but my voice is gravely from disuse.

She breaks down into sobs, "I- I'm sor-sorry!" She cries out between sobs and she throws her arms around my neck, wrapping them tightly as if she will never let go. It feels so foreign to have this tiny body clinging to me when I'm so horribly broken.

"Oh, Holly," I beg, "Don't. Shh." I'm not even sure what I don't want her to do. I don't want her to cry but I know that it might make her pain more bearable and so I would never ask her to deprive herself of that. I make soothing sounds for her as she clings to me and Ash rubs her back slowly with a blank face.

By the time she cries herself into silence, the fireflies are settling down to sleep for the night, "Sing me a song, Camellia?" She whimpers, still clinging around my neck.

"I can't, Holly." I say my voice thick with tears. I'm certain my voice must have been destroyed along with my heart.

"Please." She whispers and her voice is so fragile and pleading I can't tell her no again. I promised myself I would never stop singing again after she nearly died. I didn't think Linden would die when I made that promise though.

There's a long pause of silence as I try to think of a song, any song that it might not kill me to sing. One song comes to mind; my mother sang it to me sometimes when I would come crying to her after skinning a knee. It always made the pain feel better then. I don't know that it will be able to do the same now.

Where is the sun in the night  
Is it cold, is it cold  
Does it feel left behind  
All alone, all alone  
Does it wander through the dark  
Does it wait for the dawn, wish on a star  
Does it stray very far  
Very far  
Where is your home restless wind  
Is it there, is it here  
Do you search for a place to belong  
Search in vain, search in fear  
Or is your spirit everywhere  
Is your voice every tree  
Your soul of the air  
If there's no home is there no death  
Is there no death

Holly hums the melody shakily as I sing the short lines over and over. The song works its magic though and it's soothing to all of us. Eventually I drop off into a doze as Holly sleeps, still hanging around my neck. Ash has fallen asleep as well, leaning back against the porch railing.

I don't wake until several hours later when an owl hoots in a nearby tree causing me to start awake. It's pitch black and the moon has already set for the night, which means that it's only a few short hours before dawn. A strong gust of wind blows through the trees and thunder rumbles over the mountains again while the wind chime Ash and Holly made for my birthday clinks out back.

I shake Ash's knee, "Come on," I whisper, "Time to go to bed."

He gives a small groan, "Do I have to go to school tomorrow?"

"No, I think that tomorrow would be the perfect day to skip." I reply standing up and carrying Holly into the house with me.

The train carrying Linden's body arrives the next afternoon. I walk with Maggie out to the station and she doesn't speak as she shakes the conductor's hand after the coffin is unloaded. It's a plain pine coffin with the seal of Panem burnt into it- the sign of a dead tribute returned home. Amelia's parents are there too, her mother crying hysterically over her coffin as her father stares off into the distance. I feel like I'm dead inside but everything hurts so much I know I must not be. I can't seem feel anything anymore besides the pain radiating from where my heart used to be.

The mentors have returned via this train as well. Johanna walks over to Amelia's family and tries to talk with her father. I can see the dark circles around her eyes; she hasn't been sleeping. Rowan disembarks next, stumbling drunkenly onto the platform.

He looks stupidly at the coffins in front of him for a moment before shouting, "There's another two for you Snow!" He stumbles toward the stairs leading off of the platform and Johanna leaves Amelia's family to grab his upper arm.

"Shut up you idiot." I hear her mumble tugging him fiercely toward the Victor's Village.

I want to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze until that drunken smirk falls from his lips but I know that it won't help. It won't change what has passed. It won't make this pain disappear. Maggie is bent over now, running a hand over the seal. I cover her hand with mine; hers are cold, just as a dead person's would be.

A man comes with a cart to carry the coffin to the small building near the cemetery where funerals are held. A small crowd gathers outside the building as evening arrives and people come to pay their respects to the two fallen tributes. The funerals are always held together unless only one tribute comes home dead. As we stand around the two fresh graves, people who knew Linden and Amelia say nice things. They speak of their best memories.

I could add volumes to what they say about Linden. I don't speak though. Speaking is too hard. When it comes to be my turn, I sing the only song that I can because I know Linden would have loved that. It's the same song I remember my father singing at a funeral when I was just a child, before even Ash was born. Tears stream down my face and I falter several times before I get to the last lines. They come out clear and smooth:_ I'm a long time travelling here below... To lay this body down... To lay this body down._

As people begin to go home, they lay a leaf on each grave. It's a tradition here in District 7; we all have a particular tree or plant that is significant to us that we use during the ceremonies of life. Laurel drops leaves of the same name, giving me a hug as she passes by. Cypress lies down dried cherry blossoms. I remember Laurel telling me her grandmother's favorite tree was the cherry tree because of these same blooms.

One after another people process by giving a handshake, hug, or sympathetic look. It's exhausting receiving all this pity, which is probably why I don't notice that Johanna and Rowan have come as well until they are standing right in front of me. Johanna composedly places a handful of pine needles on each grave. She shakes Amelia's father's hand- her dark, wide-set eyes tired. She then crosses to shake Maggie's cold hand before leaving for the Victor's Village again.

Rowan walks up slowly as if he's still under the effects of whatever alcohol he had binged on during the train ride. He's calm though and doesn't have any outbursts as he lays down the delicate leaves of a rowan tree. He crosses over to me and holds up a closed fist.

I hate him; he didn't bring Linden back to me. If I had a knife, I would probably slit his throat so he could die like Linden did. He doesn't look me in the eyes as I hold out my hand.

"He wanted me to make sure this made it back to you." He says with a hoarse voice opening his hand to let my ring, still on the length of rope, fall into my open hand below. "I took it off him myself- didn't let the Capitol touch it." He adds and turns quickly to leave.

My hand closes tightly around the tiny wooden band that is the last thing Linden will ever give to me. A sob escapes me and Maggie wraps a cold arm around my shoulders leading me up to the graves. She drops dried magnolia blossoms and I drop two things made into one- a linden tree leaf twisted around the stem of a camellia blossom. The bright green of the leaf contrasts the light pink of the blossom so brilliantly that it looks like a picture of spring- of new life.

But this isn't the birth of a baby, nor the marriage of a loved one where leaves are also given. This is a funeral and such a bright and hopeful object looks out of place as we acknowledge that death has gripped it's dark hands around another member of our family.

...

Weeks pass and on most days I still feel hollow but Cypress is right- things do start to come easier. First I start to get out of bed on my own. I don't do much when I do. Normally I just sit on the porch or couch and let my mind wander to things I shouldn't think about. I end up upsetting myself and return to bed by early evening because I'm too exhausted to think about doing anything else.

Eventually I wander into the woods again for no particular reason. It is horrid to be there at first and I don't make it very far the first day because memories possess me with every step and render me incapable of breathing. As the days pass however, the memories of Linden start to bring me a small sense comfort instead of pain, which I guess is what he would have wanted anyway. It doesn't feel terrible to be in the woods because I can almost feel him walking next to me. Sometimes when summer thunder rolls across the sky I can almost hear him laughing. It's bittersweet but I live for those moments because I'm afraid I'm starting to forget pieces of him- like his soft voice he only used with me.

Maggie still doesn't talk. I don't think she has it in her anymore; she's lost so much love for one lifetime. She doesn't work anymore either. I realize this the week after we bury Linden when I go to pick up the mending to deliver it. The piles are still sitting next to her chair where I dropped them days earlier.

Juni checks after her on most days to make sure she eats but otherwise she spends her days alone. I sit with her occasionally but the pain in her eyes makes me feel like I remind her of Linden too much and I'm like salt in an open wound.

I wake up on a particularly hot day after a mostly sleepless night in August. I was haunted during the night by a dream that I was stuck with Linden in an arena on fire. The dream never changed or ended we just stayed stuck in the catastrophe, unable to get out but unable to stop the pain.

The sun is already up and the tiniest breeze blows through the window. It feels wonderful after the stuffy air of the bedroom. I climb out of bed and dress for the day.

"Wake up you two!" I call across the room. Ash groans throwing a pillow over his head. Holly pops her curly haired head up in bed and I help her dress before returning my focus to Ash.

"Ash, get up. You've got school!" I say firmly pulling the pillow out of his grip.

"I don't need to go to school anymore. I've learned everything I need to know." He grumbles into the bed sheets.

"Right. Ten years old and you already know everything there is." I say and whack him on the back of the head with the pillow. "Get up."

"Ugh." He grumbles dramatically as he rolls out of bed, his hair sticking up every which way.

He still has nightmares too. He plays it cool on the outside and has started to go back to his usual routine, but at night while I lay awake, I hear him toss and turn, mumbling to himself. I tried to talk with him about it but he shrugged it off. I know he doesn't want to worry me. He's trying his best to protect me. I think he's afraid I might break if he gives me one more thing to worry about. Some days I'm not sure whether he's right or not.

We head out into the early morning heat and I know that it's going to be a hot day. The end of August is always hot in District 7, which makes it nearly unbearable to spend any time inside. I'm looking for a job today though which means that, ideally, I'll be indoors for quite some time.

The money ran out about two weeks ago and last night I had finally come to terms with the fact that I have no choice but to find work. Linden isn't coming back which means that I am alone in providing for my family and Maggie. I know if I were ever reaped Linden would have taken care of Holly and Ash just as he knew that I would look after his mother. Holly is outgrowing all of her clothing and Ash is right on the brink of another growth spurt as well. I'm going to need money to buy clothing soon among all the other necessities that I can't trade for.

"Good morning!" The cheery baker says from across the counter as I walk in. "How can I help you?"

He hardly knows me since I never come into his shop to buy bread or pastries. He probably only recognizes me as the unfortunate fiancée of Linden Hollbrook from the television interviews.

"I was wondering if you or any merchants you know are looking to hire another set of hands?" I say giving him my best impression of a happy smile. It always feels strange now to smile but Cypress says that it will start to come naturally again in time.

"Ah." He says with an almost imperceptible sigh. I know immediately that he can't help me. He wants to, I don't doubt that, but he can't. There's not enough money to go around these days it seems. "I'm afraid I don't dear. You can try up at the school. They might need a teacher there." He offers hopefully.

I give him another fake smile but my words are truthful, "Thank you. I appreciate your time." He's always been such a kind man; I feel bad for making him feel guilty.

He nods and slips into the back of the shop where the ovens are as I walk out the door. I will give the schoolhouse a try once it's lunchtime. For now, I cross over the square to the Victor's Village where the lawns are green and manicured and all the lots bump up to the woods. The Capitol pays someone to tend a large garden in the center of this village and it's lovely.

I like to go and sit there sometimes beneath the willow tree in the center of the garden. I love to listen to the wind blow through the leaves, which makes it sound almost like rain. Here I can think freely; I rarely have memories of Linden since I had never stepped foot in this place until after he was buried. And sometimes I even pretend that Linden is alive- that he won the Games and he is in one of the houses down the street waiting for me. But I try not to think like that. It only makes it harder when I leave and return to the reality of a dead Linden.

As I'm sitting in the garden today, watching a ladybug climb a piece of grass, I hear a door slam from somewhere in the village. There are only four people living here anymore and normally there's no sign of life. I turn toward the direction the noise came from and see Rowan Carson stumbling down the street; he's drunk again and carrying a piece of paper in his hand.

I look down to the ring encircling my finger; I never thanked him for returning it to me. I could never bring myself to face him. I hate him because the sight of him reminds me that Linden didn't come home and as much as I wish I could, I can't blame Rowan completely. Sometimes I'm almost thankful that Linden didn't come home. It would be far worse if he'd come back a shattered being like Rowan Carson. At least this way, the Games are finished forever. Or so I thought.

A month later, I am still unemployed as the crisp autumn air rolls into District 7. It's as if a switch was suddenly turned and the summer ended, welcoming fall with open arms. I sit on the porch working on some mending- a few of Maggie's customers have allowed me to take over for her. I know it's out of pity though because my mending is slow and looks truly awful. I've never had a talent for it no matter how much instruction Maggie gave me. The money isn't enough to get by on for very long though and I don't think the customers will put up with my pathetic work much longer anyway.

"Miss Goldenlarch?" A peacekeeper inquires as he walks across my yard. I don't recognize him and he's young, only a year or two older than me.

"Yes?" I say standing and walking down the steps to meet him. I can feel sweat prickling up on my palms. Peacekeepers have always made me anxious but now they remind me of the Capitol and everything it's done to my family and me. I'm always afraid they're going to place some new horror upon me. And maybe this fear isn't so misguided.

"Letter from the Capitol." He says handing it to me before walking away again.

My mouth hangs slightly open for a moment before I look down at the fine paper envelope in my hand. My name and location are written in loopy script across the front and the back has a gold wax seal with the Panem crest. I break the seal with shaky hands and pull the letter out. It's written on thick perfectly white paper, nothing like the paper we can buy in seven.

I unfold it and start to read the hand-scripted message inside:

_Camellia Goldenlarch,_

_ It is my sincerest pleasure to cordially invite you to the Victory Tour celebration in District 7. The citizens of the Capitol have truly fallen in love with your charm and I feel it is unacceptable to deprive them of your society. _

_ The stylist for District 7 will be sent to help prepare you for your debut the day of the celebration. I have also heard through sources of my own that you have a magnificent singing voice. It is my greatest wish for you to perform at this celebration to honor the Victor. The song is your choice but do be sure it is appropriate for the occasion._

_ I look forward to viewing your performance via the news broadcast in a few weeks._

_ Sincerely,_

_ President Snow_

I toss the letter from my hand as if it suddenly caught fire and burnt me. Why are they doing this? Linden is dead. I was only ever important because I was his fiancée. My purpose should have been served in the eyes of the Capitol. I pick the letter up gingerly and reread it, feeling my stomach drop with every line.

I am expected to attend a party to celebrate the success of my fiancé's murderer. Before that I will have to stand on a platform as she spouts off meaningless words about how our loved ones fought valiantly and enabled her to get to where she is today. The thought is so vile I heave as if to vomit. I know I have no choice in the matter of course. When the President asks, it's really an order. If I refuse, he will use force. He didn't get where he is today by his kindness and understanding.

Ash and Holly are walking up the path so I tuck the letter away in my pocket before settling back to work on the porch. For now, it is better they don't know. Let them think that today was just another day.

AN: There you are! Let me know what you think. I love getting reviews from you all and it keeps me motivated! As always, if you wish you can follow me on tumblr under the name **thegirlofdistrict7. **Also, this week is looking pretty busy so it may be two weeks before I get the next chapter up. I will try to put another one out in a week but I just wanted to warn that it may not happen. Have a lovely week!


	15. Chapter 15- The Victor

**AN**: Thank you all so much for all of your reviews! I am so glad that you are all so invested in these characters. They all mean so much to me so I'm happy to see others feel the same way. Also, whoever nominated me for the Energize W.I.P. awards- thank you! I am totally honored! If anyone wants to vote or check out the other nominees feel free to go to:  energizewipawards*blogspot*com/ just replace the * with a . I would appreciate your support.

_The song in this chapter is called "Tongue-Tied" by Emily Portman. Her work on this album is brilliant and haunting so you should check it out!_

**Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins therefore I do not own The Hunger Games**

**Part 15- The Victor**

I walk through the forest listening to the birds chatter in the cold air. Winter is going to come early this year; I can feel it in my bones. It's only the middle of October but already there's a heavy frost across the forest floor. The ground crunches slightly as I work on gathering some roots before moving on.

The honey harvest has finished and with it has gone my only source of income. I've tried to haggle using the food I gather but no one in town will trade for something they can gather on their own. I walk out to the foothills and sit there for a while letting the wind bite through my thin jacket.

Last week I would have married Linden. The maple tree sap had started to flow and with it had come so many heart-wrenching thoughts. I will never be married to the man I loved. I will never share a bed with him. I will never bear children with him. I will never kiss his lips again. I will never touch a hand to his face. And I am certain I will never love again. Last week was one of the most difficult in a long while. Most days now are just a bit numb; but Ash and Holly bring a warm feeling to most days that makes me carry on. Last week though, not even Holly's bright smiles nor Ash's comforting words could make me move from the bed.

Ash sat with me for hours at a time running his hands through my hair whispering stories, happy memories, of Linden. His voice kept me from running again but it wasn't enough to bring me back from the dead. Holly played with her figures at the edge of the bed, trying to put on a show for me to watch. I couldn't bring myself to participate even when she would look at me with those pleading eyes.

That week is over now and with it I have put that much more pain behind me. Some days I still think Cypress is crazy for saying that it gets easier, but most days I can feel what he means; it is getting easier. I gather some late apples from a tree nearby before heading back into town hoping maybe someone will be too lazy to pick them on his own and he'll buy them from me.

Unfortunately, laziness is only abounding in the Capitol and I return home with a bag of apples and no money. Ash's pants are already two inches too short and with winter coming he needs a new coat since his no longer fits.

"Hi, Camellia," Ash calls across the yard as he looks up from the log he's splitting. The way he says it makes me think he's still afraid I might lie down in bed and never move again.

"How'd your day go?" I ask him as I walk over, giving my best impression of a smile.

He puts the axe down and wipes his forehead, "Good. I got top score in lumber identification."

"That's great, Ash!" I praise and he beams proudly. As much as he complains about school, I think he really loves it; either way, he's good at it.

"How did everything go for you?" He asks and I can tell by the look on his face he knows that we're struggling. We have food yes, for now, until the winter comes. He's old enough to remember what that first winter without food was like when mom and dad died.

I give a weak smile, "It wasn't a lucky day today. Tomorrow will be though; I'm sure of it."

"Right. Tomorrow." He nods. It's clear he doesn't think tomorrow will solve anything either, "I could try and work in the lumber yards after scho-"

"No." I cut him off flatly. The yards do occasionally hire young boys to run between the parts heavy machinery where grown men can't. These are the boys who lose a hand at best and lose their life at worst. It's a deadly, dangerous job that only the most desperate families send their children into. "We're not there yet, Ash."

"Camellia," He says sounding far older than his ten years, "We're running out of options."

"I won't let you do it." I say, anger starting to rise in me, "I haven't worked this hard for four years to let you get your limbs chopped off, Ash. I've lost too much already; I'm not going to lose you too." His face darkens with sadness but he doesn't argue. He understands what I mean; it would kill him to lose me too. That's why he's so afraid when I succumb to the depression.

"I'll figure it out." I assure him and give his shoulder a squeeze before heading into the house and leaving him to chop more firewood.

I frown as I walk through the door and see Holly sitting in front of the television she's dragged out of the closet again. She does this occasionally ever since the Games but for the life of me I can't understand why.

"Holly, what are you doing?" I ask and she glances over at me innocently.

"Watching this show." She replies as she turns her focus back to the screen, "The girl is really pretty."

She is pretty, I observe. Flawless in every way, and yet I find her disgusting. I recognize her from years ago. Occasionally, the Capitol manages to find young prodigies in the districts; she was one of these children. She was only sixteen at the time when an official first saw her dance. After that, they scooped her up from her home in District 5 and transplanted her onto Capitol soil. She's been performing ever since and the Capitol idolizes her.

She's probably worth more money than I could ever imagine, maybe than I could ever count, now that she's a product of the Capitol. The cameras eat her up whenever she leaves her apartment. They follow her in performances, on dates with high-ranking officials, even grinding up on sweaty, perfect young bodies in the clubs. I think of Rowan who faces the same thing every time he steps into the Capitol; even Johanna does to a point until she takes it upon herself to physically remove the cameras.

"Turn it off, Holly." I say crossing the room to unplug the device, "You don't need to watch that stuff."

"I want to dance like that." She says standing and twirling around less than gracefully.

"Then you can. Just do it here and not while watching the television." I say shaking my head as I push the set back into the closet.

"Why don't you sing there?" Holly asks once she stops spinning because she's too dizzy to continue.

I frown, "Holly, I'm not a singer like those people on the television."

"Yes you are! You're even better than they are."

"I would have to be away from you if I did sing in the Capitol, Holly. I would be away for a long time." This seems to sober her up. She drops the subject and returns to playing alone in her corner.

The thought of singing in the Capitol makes me sick to my stomach. But the thought keeps coming back to my mind even as we go to sleep that night. I shake my head to clear the disturbing thought. I can't do it. We'll get through this on our own without the Capitol. I'll make it work.

...

Winter comes a week and a half later, covering us with a foot and a half of snow. The mountains are closed for almost a week before the roads are clear enough to travel again. And with the snow, vanishes our only source of food.

"Let me work!" Ash yells angrily at me as I open up a jar of preserved onions and katniss for dinner. He's seen the empty cabinets. In all the events of summer, preserving food somehow got lost and by the time I started to save some for winter, the snow was nearly here. With no money coming in and a foot of snow covering our only source of food, things were looking bleak.

"No." I refuse, working away at the stove.

"We don't have any bread, Camellia. We need new clothes. We're running out of food. I can help!"

"No."

"You can't stop me, you know!" I look at him now and see the anger flashing across his face. Part of it I know is hunger since he's growing again, but another larger part is the same look I had when trying to feed my family after my parents first died. He's trying to protect us all.

My heart jumps up into my throat making it difficult to speak. I swallow thickly.

"Don't, Ash. I will drag you out of the yards by the back of your shirt if I have to," I warn.

"The money would help." He says his face softening as he sees my fear.

"Not enough to be worth it. Ash if you were hurt, or worse killed, I would never be able to forgive myself. I won't let you work under the machines in the lumber yard." I say turning back to the stove to hide my tears as I add, "I already lost one person I love this year. I won't let it happen again."

It's silent for a moment as we both watch the skillet cook the preserves. "I lost him too, Camellia. I don't think he'd want us to struggle like this when I could help."

I look and see the sorrow in his eyes. He lost his best friend when Linden died, his hero. He just wants to be strong for Holly and me like Linden always was. But things are different now; I have to protect him even more because I have so few people left that I love.

"We'll figure something out. It won't have to come to that." I say so softly I'm not sure he heard it over the sizzling of the skillet.

"You've been saying that for weeks. There's no work here that you can do." I freeze at this. It's like a slap in the face but it's true, there's no work for an eighteen-year-old girl in this district; the Capitol made sure of that.

"Just give it a little more time." I say ruffling his hair lightly.

He pulls his head out from under my touch and his face contorts with anger I didn't know a ten year old could possess, "How much more? Until there's nothing left to eat?" He walks out of the house after that and I hear him chopping firewood. I sigh and look at Holly who's staring at me from her corner. I give her a half smile and she turns away to continue playing with her toys.

...

I wake up on a grey morning a few weeks later and immediately shut my eyes again. I don't want to wake up today; I feel hollow. I lay there for a while willing myself to fall back asleep and never wake up but it's too late, the day is here and there's no getting around it. I sit up and see Ash is already awake and staring at me, his brown curls still a mess from sleeping.

"When is he getting here?" He whispers across the room to me as I crawl stiffly out of bed.

"Soon. This morning, the letter said." I reply pulling on the warmest clothes I have which still don't stop the chill from cutting to my bones. A blizzard had blown through a few days ago and the wind is still whipping through the trees and the cracks in this old house.

"Are you nervous?"

I look into his green eyes and I can tell he doesn't want today to be real either. I nod my head, "Yeah." He gives a nod back before getting out of bed to change as well.

He was furious when I told him about the letter from Snow. He ordered me to refuse to attend the celebration. But even at the young age of ten, Ash has already begun to realize that you can't say no to the Capitol if you want to live, especially if the President himself orders you to do something.

I go downstairs to stoke the fire before the stylist's team arrives. Today is the Victory Tour for District 7 and, as promised by President Snow, I had received a letter from Cozia, seven's stylist for the games. The letter had stated that they would arrive by nine o'clock to get me looking my best. I shudder at the thought; what is he planning on doing to me?

There's not a long wait to find out. I've just cleaned up the last of the porridge from breakfast when I hear a knock at the door. I don't think anything in the world could have prepared me for the freak show standing on my front porch.

"Camellia Goldenlarch?" A teal man with jewels implanted across his forehead asks but before I can answer he's already pushing past me into the living room. "I'm Cozia your stylist for the day." He says as his eyes scan the room. I feel strangely defensive as he does so and cross my arms while his team walks in behind him.

"Oh you poor thing!" A girl with pink swirls tattooed on her skin exclaims setting down a case she'd carried in with her. "It must be such a dull, hard life living in a place like this."

I'm not sure whether she means the dismal weather or my house, which is nothing like their shiny perfect apartments in the Capitol. I don't respond save for a half-hearted smile.

"I'm Elexia." She says extending a hand to me, which I shake firmly and she gives me an odd look. "You're nails will be a bit of work I see." I look down at them in confusion; they look fine to me. They're clean at least, which is more than I can say for some of District 7.

"Toro," says the last man as he shakes my hand. He has blond hair that they've tipped in what looks like silver- real silver, like the metal. His eyes are rimmed with the same color silver and what appears to be silver vines entwine themselves down one side of his face.

"Okay, now. First things, we have to get this skin clean." Cozia says looking my body up and down, "I can't do anything for you with scars like those."

I look down at my arms and squint to see the fine lines where I've been cut by thorns and such. They're barely visible unless I really look for them but these people seem to think they are horrible blemishes.

I let them do as they please, sitting in several foul smelling baths of chemicals, one of which actually stings my skin. Elexia works away at my hands trying to bring "some semblance" to my nails. She makes a tsking sound every now and then mumbling something about my nail beds.

Toro yanks and pulls at my hair putting chemical after chemical in it. "It's a lovely color." He says as he brushes a comb through it. "We'll get it to sit pretty in no time."

After I've been subjected to enough pain in the stinging liquid, they have me lay on a table they've managed to bring in with them. Elexia smoothes a hot substance over my legs and pats a cloth on it. Before I can ask what it's for, riiip!

"Ouch!" I yell and try to sit up but Toro pushes my shoulders back down. This goes on for sometime until I swear the only hair left is on my head, which I guess was the point.

By the time Cozia actually lays a hand on me, I feel as though I've been assaulted and I'm exhausted. He brushes intently away at my face not speaking a word to me until he's done. I don't mind this part; at least it doesn't hurt.

As I sit, I can't help but think of Linden and how he must have felt all those days leading up to the arena. I feel like some sort of livestock being poked and prodded into perfection. It must have driven him nearly mad.

"There we are." He says sitting back from me after what feels like hours. "A work of art if I do say so myself."

Toro steps out from behind me and holds a mirror up to my face; except it must not be a mirror since the girl staring back at me is not I. I search for something that would indicate this person in front of me is actually me. The hair is still the same color as mine but it sits in smooth layers of waves, framing my face delicately. It's not the half-wavy, half-curly hair I've always had. And the eyes are definitely mine as well but they look so much more brilliant than I've ever seen them now that they are rimmed in warm golden hues. My face is missing all the little scars I remember. I look like one of the dolls in the window of the toyshop in town.

When I don't say anything, Elexia speaks up, "How cute! She's in shock. She can't believe how beautiful she looks."

"Now you'll be positively stunning for the cameras. The Capitol is already in love with you but now they will desire you." Toro says as if this is something I should be excited about rather than dread.

I give my most winning smile, "Thank you all. You've done such a wonderful job. I never could have imagined I'd be so lucky."

They practically swoon at this. It's so easy to please them, like dogs. They help me into a set of warm wool slacks and a sweater that scoops down low on my chest. It's a warm outfit and so soft I can barely believe it's real clothing. They pack up and leave me with just enough time to help Holly and Ash get ready for the ceremony, promising they will help ready me for the party after the ceremony.

I walk into the bedroom where Ash and Holly are playing a little game they both learned at school. Ash looks up and his eyes widen as his jaw drops, "Camellia?"

"Wow." Holly whispers as she stares wide eyed at me.

I cross my arms uncomfortably, "Is it okay? I don't look too much like a freak?"

"You look beautiful!" Holly exclaims still staring in shock.

"You don't look like you anymore." Ash whispers. His eyebrows are scrunched together now as he continues to watch me.

"I didn't think it was really me in the mirror." I say with a shrug.

"It's only for the day anyway." He mumbles as he pulls out his best clothes, which are still a bit small for him.

We head out to the square within the hour; it's a bitterly cold walk so we make it quickly. The ceremony is held in the City Hall and televised for the nation. Projection screens are hung in the square but very few, if any, people will venture out to watch it in this weather.

"Hi Maggie." Holly says running up to wrap her arms around the woman's legs. Amelia's family is just down the hall about to enter the theater where they will sit to one side of the stage. Rowan and Johanna walk in along with Dominick and Colton. Peacekeepers guide us to our seats and we sit in silence as important officials and citizens pile into the theater.

The mayor steps onstage and the crowd goes silent before he recites a speech about how exciting the Games were this year and how brilliant Anesta was for winning the games. "So without further ado I present you with the victor of the 71st Annual Hunger Games, Anesta Delau."

I'm not sure what I expected to happen, but as the girl crosses the stage I feel bile rise in my throat. I hate her. This girl, standing no more than a few yards in front of me, murdered Linden. I could easily jump up on stage. I could have my hands around her throat in seconds. I could watch the life drain from her eyes just as she did to Linden.

My hands start to tremble with rage in my lap and Maggie stills them with her own cold dead ones. Anesta looks perfect once again; all the scars from the arena erased and that last wound inflicted by Talia's spear is nowhere to be seen. She smiles as she accepts a plaque and bouquet of flowers from two young children dressed in forest green before she steps up to the microphone.

She thanks District 7 for its support and sacrifice in this year's games- we are truly a hospitable district even if it is absolutely freezing here. She thanks all the officials she is obligated to and turns to Amelia's family. She says a few words about her but they never really spoke so there's not much to say. Her eyes never turn to our side of the theater however. She seems to be avoiding looking our direction. She doesn't even have the decency to look the family of the boy she murdered in the eye.

"I could tell she was a brave girl though and she had a real desire to win the games." Anesta says in a voice softer than one would expect for such a strongly built girl. But her words do nothing to heal the hole left in Amelia's family's hearts. Her words are superficial and scripted; they mean nothing.

I watch in disgust as she turns to look at me and my family and Maggie for the first time since she walked on stage. When I see her face clearly for the first time, it's as if the chair I'm sitting on drops out from underneath me and the floor opens up. I had expected it to be merciless, full of hatred and death. But what I see is a girl not much different from me; there is no regret in her eyes but a deep sorrow. She is haunted by what she had to do to return to her brother and parents.

In that brief moment, I know, without a doubt, that Linden would look the same way if he were in her place right now and I can't hate her anymore. I can't hate her for what she did because it is exactly what I expected Linden to do. Instead I feel sorry for her because, while I mourn the loss of Linden everyday, I know her nights must be haunted by the lives of the children she killed; I can't even remember how many she actually did kill.

She starts to speak in that soft voice so I pull myself back to listen to her, "Linden was a great man. We spoke several times during training. We both missed- home- a lot." She says her words halting ever so slightly as she thinks of what to say. This is not scripted; this is from her, an offering to us in hope of some sort of forgiveness.

"That day in the forest, he almost had me. I have never been so close to losing anything in my life. I want to thank you for sacrificing him, one of your bravest. He was a man of honor until the end," She finishes and then, as if on a whim, quickly adds, "and a true friend."

The mayor is back onstage instantly sweeping her away to get ready for the party tonight. The ceremony is over and people begin to file out of the theater. I sit there, Maggie's hands still covering mine in my lap, and I find that my emotions are completely mixed up. I wanted to hate this girl; it was easier to hate this girl. But I find now that it is impossible; there's too much hate in this world already.

As soon as we are out of the theater and back in the hall of the City Building, Elexia is there guiding me through a maze of rooms and hallways until we reach my room. They put me in another bath of something and start the pulling and prodding again.

The sun is already set by the time they release me from their grips. A mirror is pushed in front of my face again and this time I see they have twisted my hair back in an intricate design. Toro really does work magic, I admit. My eyes are rimmed in smoky shades of grey that match the sky outside and make my blue eyes look seductive, which I never thought would be possible. Toro and Cozia both rush off to help prepare Johanna and Rowan who will also be at the party since they were mentors this year.

This leaves me with Elexia who, while slightly airheaded, is nice enough, "Here we are." She says walking back into the room carrying a long bag. She unzips it to reveal a beautiful midnight blue gown made of a fabric I can't name. It shimmers as the fabric folds making it look like the moon on water.

I brush a hand gently over it, "It's beautiful." I whisper, which delights Elexia.

"Isn't it?" She asks excitedly in her airy voice, "I picked it out myself. Cozia was busy coming up with wardrobes for the mentors, you see." She explains seriously as if this were the gravest of matters.

"You've done a lovely job." I say earnestly and she beams. The fabric slides onto my body as if it's a second skin; it certainly doesn't leave much to the imagination as it hugs every curve of my body. I cross my arms self-consciously now that it's on and I'm looking in the mirror. It drapes across one shoulder and wraps around my torso before falling in silken waves to the ground. There's a slit up one side of it to my mid thigh, which is visible whenever I take a step. A stab of guilt overcomes me; I look just like a Capitol girl.

Elexia lets out a squeal of delight, "It's absolutely perfect! You look like a film star! Everyone will be talking about you!"

I give her a beaming smile before she leaves to go help Cozia and Toro. I stare at myself a moment longer; Ash would be horrified by this outfit if he thought this morning was terrible. I'm standing by the window watching snowfall when a knock at the door pulls me from my reveries. I figure it's one of the stylists who remembered some minute detail they need to fix and I wonder why in the world they're knocking. They've already seen every part of me today.

"Come in." I call still leaning against the window frame. I look up and see Peacekeeper Collins standing in the doorway, wide eyed.

"The party is about to start downstairs." He says in his usual gruff, official voice.

"Oh." I straighten up and brush my hands over the fabric then fiddle with my hands for a moment before letting them drop to my sides. "Do I look ridiculous?" I ask suddenly horrified that I'm going to make a fool of myself and nervous that I'm going to have to meet Anesta face to face.

He sighs almost imperceptibly before whispering, "Not at all. You look beautiful."

I nod and follow him out of the room. There are two guards waiting just outside the door, which explains why he whispered. He doesn't want to look soft in front of them but I'm beginning to believe he isn't as tough as he lets on.

I walk down the hall and find myself at the top of a curving staircase. My hands start to prickle with sweat at the thought of walking down all of them in these spiky shoes alone. I've nearly decided to turn around and return to the room when someone steps up behind me. It's Rowan and Johanna. We all stare wordlessly at one another for a moment before she speaks up.

"Just hold onto Rowan's elbow and keep smiling, he can hold you up when you trip." She says taking his arm as she's ordered me to.

I must look skeptical because she gives a sharp, short laugh, "He's actually dependable when he's sober. And he is, for now."

Rowan doesn't look down at me as he holds out his other elbow. Of course he wouldn't mind helping me; it fulfills his image to have a pretty girl on each arm. The cameras finally notice us and are focused tightly on our faces in only a moment. Flashes go off as pictures are taken and I feel completely overwhelmed. My foot slips out from under me once as we descend the staircase but Rowan holds me steady just as Johanna said he would.

We push through the cameras tonight because tonight is not a night for interviews. They don't protest much as we make our way into the ballroom, which happens to be the most beautiful room I've ever seen. The ceilings are vaulted high above us with ornate paintings; they are fading but still beautiful. A lush red carpet drapes the floor save for the dance floor in the center of the room. There's food too, more food than I could ever imagine lined along a wall. I can't help but think this is why the district is short on money of late. The mayor had to pay for all of this somehow.

Rowan drops my arm and makes a straight shot for the bar across the room leaving me standing alone next to Johanna. She's in a strapless emerald green gown that sparkles with every movement. Some sort of fur is draped around her arms and I wish for a moment I had something to cover my arms as well. I feel naked standing dressed like this in front of all these strangers.

She fixes her dark brown eyes on me for a moment with an inquisitive look, "Why did they invite you here anyway? They don't normally like mourning family at these types of celebration." The way she says celebration makes it sound like a foul word.

"The President sent a letter two months ago." I state and she raises an eyebrow at me. I need to explain myself, that this wasn't really a choice, "He said it was insufferable to deprive the Capitol of my society."

She lets out a sharp laugh at this, "Sounds like old Snow." Then her face turns serious as she takes a step closer and continues in a whisper, "Watch yourself. You won't be earning any favors from him."

My mouth drops open and she walks off before I can respond. I'm left standing there alone in the ballroom until I hear someone call my name to my left.

"Camellia! How are you dear? So good to see you again." Heelia says wrapping me in a warm hug. She smells like alcohol and is carrying a plate loaded with food.

I fix a fake smile on my face, "I'm doing well, thank you!" The cameras are on us again.

"Now, I know tonight is not supposed to be about interviews but the Capitol is just dying to hear how things are going for you." She says and covers her face in mock sympathy, "It must have been difficult to watch Linden's unfortunate ending in the games. I'll admit, I shed a tear or two at the thought you two would never be reunited. How are you handling it?"

_Difficult_. _Ending_. It's almost laughable the idiotic world these people live in. It's _difficult_ to climb a tree without low branches. _Difficult_ doesn't even begin to describe what I've gone through after Linden _died_.

I don't voice these thoughts though; I don't think President Snow had those types of words in mind when he ordered me to this party. I give a weak smile, "It's been hard, of course, he was so close to coming home a Victor. We're just trying to move on now." The words feel crass as they leave my mouth but if they come across that way, it's lost on the Capitol.

Heelia swipes at an invisible tear with a smile, "But now you're here at this lovely party!" It's like a slap and my head is still spinning from such a radical subject change. I just nod and smile, unable to form a coherent sentence for a moment.

"And just look at how beautiful you are! You've always been pretty of course but now you're positively perfect." She gushes.

I don't really know how to answer this. It's like the compliments Linden used to give me but less sincere and more two-sided than his ever could have been. I settle for, "Thank you!" Somehow sounding equally as excited about this as Heelia. "The stylist did a lovely job don't you think? Almost a work of art." I say stealing Cozia's words from this morning.

"It truly is." She beams. Glancing over my shoulder, she spots the mayor and excuses herself so she can go interview him; I'm left in peace until dinner where I am assigned at a table full of Capitol bigwigs.

I eat in silence for the majority of dinner savoring every bite of the five-course meal. This food must have been brought in from the Capitol because I've never seen half the ingredients in my life.

"So I told him, 'If you want to make it anywhere in this business, you're going to have to sleep with her. You can't say no to Delia Corner,'" A chubby middle-aged man guffaws over dessert. He's some sort of representative for the actors who live in the Capitol.

He turns to me, his green skin making him look like he's about to vomit, "I'll tell you Camellia, you kids from the districts are always so naive about sex." The actor he's talking about must be from outside the Capitol. I smile pleasantly at this; I can tell already this man likes girls who are agreeable and vapid. My reaction pleases him and he continues on with his story. It boggles my mind how these people can live like this day-to-day. I'm exhausted and I've hardly spent a few hours with them; being fake is a lot more work than it's worth in my opinion.

A small orchestra starts up once the tables are cleared and people start to mingle around again. I recognize the men playing the string instruments as the same ones who play every year at our fall festival. The youngest one was in my year at school, he gives me a little smile when he sees me and I wave politely.

"Would you care to dance?" The mayor asks me and I give him my hand. This first song is one that's been in the district since before anyone can remember. I've danced it many times, first with my father, then with Linden and even Ash occasionally. It's quick and leaves everyone breathless as much slower Capitol music starts up and more people take the floor.

As the mayor leaves me, I start for an empty spot along the wall when a man with startling orange polka-dotted skin asks me for a dance. I give it my best shot as he teaches me the steps; he seems to find it amusing if not endearing. It seems like hours pass this way; anytime I try to escape the dance floor another Capitol man is pulling me back to teach me yet another set of steps and as the night progresses my partners become increasingly intoxicated.

It must be nearly midnight when I manage to get away and walk into the hallway, which is now empty save for a few couples showing one another intimate affections better left in the bedroom. I cross over to an empty window seat; the snow has slowed down to a gentler pace. This is the type of snow children get excited about; it's magic.

Heels tap against the wood floors and stop near me. I look up and my heart skips several beats. Anesta is there, inches away from me, staring at me with that same haunted look as earlier.

"Hello." I say stupidly but since my mouth is already gaping open I figure it couldn't really hurt.

"Hi." She replies in that same soft voice pausing a moment before adding, "Do you mind if I sit?"

Part of me wants to tell her that there are other empty window seats and to go find one. I might not be able to hate her but I certainly don't want to share a seat with her. But I know I could never say this, not while she's looking at me like that. I move over to give her space to sit.

We sit in silence for what seems like a long time before she speaks, "I meant what I said earlier. Linden was," she chokes on her words for a moment but doesn't look up from her hands resting in her lap. "He was an amazing person."

"I know." I whisper, I didn't expect this conversation to send a piercing pain through my chest quite so quickly.

"We did talk- before we went into the arena." She says looking up at me; her eyes are a deep brown and the pain in them is fathomless. "He talked a lot about you; how he wanted to get back here. He knew how much I wanted to go home, to be with my brother again." I don't know what to say so I sit silently and wait for her to speak again, or leave.

"He loved you."

"I know." I say, my voice hoarse with pain. She really must think I'm brainless with my lack of vocabulary.

"He asked me to talk to you, if I ever got the chance. He wanted you to know that he tried his hardest; that he was thankful for everything you did to help him." There are tears in both of our eyes now.

"I didn't help him. I couldn't."

She shakes her head slowly, "You did. Those interviews you gave; I don't think you realize the effect they had in the Capitol. They loved the two of you together. You made him that much more desirable. You gave him the best chance possible."

"But it wasn't enough." I say so softly I'm not sure she could hear it.

"No. But it was all you could give him."

The next words out of my mouth boil up before I can stop them, "Why did you kill him? Why did you hold him down and watch him die? How could you watch the life go out of him like that?" I've shocked her now; I hear her take a sharp breath.

She stares at me a moment before answering, "Before we went into the arena, we both knew we would kill the other if it came to it, if it would get us home. When I came across him fighting with Jewel…" she trails off in thought for a moment, "I didn't want her to kill him but I saw the wounds he had. We kill animals for a living in my district; he was as good as dead with the organs they'd hit. I didn't want him to suffer for longer than he had to and I didn't want him to die with her gloating face over him. Internal bleeding would have killed him and no parachute could have fixed that.

"I wanted him to be able to look at someone he knew as he died, so he wouldn't have to be alone. He looked so scared after I cut his throat; I reminded him of the stories he told me about you while he bled out.

"It was the hardest thing I've ever done, staying with him while he died. He was my friend, a good man." A stray tear slips down her face and drops onto her trembling hands. She never looks away though; this is her plea, for me to forgive her for what she's done.

I place my own trembling hands over hers. How could I ever hate her for what she did? It's a complex set of emotions but I know she did what she thought was right, perhaps the only thing she could. She made his passing easier; she stayed beside him when I couldn't and for that I am thankful.

So I give her the only comfort I have to offer, "Thank you."

She squeezes my hands tightly, her gratitude for releasing the death of Linden from her dreams. Perhaps now he will come to her in her sleep, help fight off the terrors of the other dead children. It certainly sounds like something Linden would do.

"Anesta," A tall, surgically altered woman calls; she must be her stylist by the looks of it, "You're needed in the party. This is your party dear." She says in a reprimanding tone.

Anesta is up immediately, face cleared of emotion, and walking back into the ballroom. For her, the Games are not over. For her, they never will be. I take another moment before I head back in as well, hoping that soon this party will end but knowing that it could go all night.

"Camellia," the mayor says into a microphone, his voice booming across the room as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, "Anesta's train leaves soon. We all want to hear you sing before she leaves."

"Oh." I reply, my voice flat. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. Now is not the time I would choose to sing. But everyone is watching me now so I walk up onto the stage with the orchestra where a microphone is waiting.

"Well, I didn't know that there would be a full orchestra with me today." The crowd laughs too loudly for an unintended joke. Clearly they're all drunk by now.

"But I decided to sing a song that is common in this District, a special present for the Victor. For Anesta. It's called Tongue-Tied." I look behind me and see the men on the string instruments recognize it. The youngest man smiles at me again as he strikes up the note on his fiddle. It's a haunting song as most of the best songs of District 7 are but the melody is smooth and delicate.

_Tongue-tied, I am bound_

_To weave my words with thistle down_

_Sickle moon on the moor_

_Turns thistledown silver and fingers raw_

_I dye a thistle thread_

_Red for my mother's tongue_

_Mother's words made scavenging birds_

_A wish for a daughter, not seven sons_

_Rash words, a shower of stones_

_Drove seven princes from their thrones_

_Mother's words, the seed of me_

_Now I'm tongue-bound, tongue-bound 'til they are free_

_I dye a thistle thread_

_Green for the woods where I make my bed_

_Where the ravens sing, the ravens sing_

'_Free us of our weary wings'_

As the song ends, there's a moment of silence before applause burns through the room. I nod my head and wave a hand back towards the men playing the instruments before I hurry offstage where the lights aren't nearly as bright and I can find another place to hide. I'm heading for the doors when the chubby green man from dinner grabs my hand. I fight the urge to pull it away from him and instead smile politely raising an eyebrow to ask him why he's taken hold of me.

"My dear Camellia, that is a wonderful voice you're in possession of." He slurs.

I try not to make a face as his breath assaults me, "Thank you." I say gently releasing my hand from his grip but he places his other hand firmly on my shoulder, preventing me from walking away.

"Now, I have a dear friend back in the Capitol who would do just about anything to have such a beautiful young woman from District 7. He's a producer for all the big singers right now- the ones coming from the districts that is- and he would love to add you to his collection I'm sure."

He stares at me as though waiting to hear my response, "Oh really," is all I can think of which seems to appease him since he continues.

"I can give him a call and let him know you'll be coming back with me tomorrow. He'll be pleased as punch."

I interject as kindly as I can, "I'm sorry. I never said I was going to the Capitol with you."

"Of course you will. What is there here for you anyway?" He asks rolling his hand dramatically through the air.

I shake my head, "I have a brother and sister I care for-"

"And is it easy?" He interrupts.

"I'm sorry?"

"Is it going well, your caring for them? Do you have the financial means to support your family as well as you'd like?" He asks smoothly, giving my shoulder a squeeze. I'm stunned silent for a moment. How could he possibly know our circumstances so perfectly?

"I- well, everything is-" I stutter densely.

"If you were to sign a contract- come to the Capitol- you would never have to worry again about providing for them. You could earn enough in a few years to last a lifetime. They would never want again. You could give them everything they've ever wanted in their wildest dreams." He says fanning a hand out in front of me. "All you have to do is sing a few tunes; written by the Capitol lyricists of course. Songs like you sang tonight are all well and fine out here in the districts but they won't sell well in the Capitol."

I stare at him blankly. I promised myself I would never do this. The people in the Capitol are vile, disgusting creatures. I could never become one of them. But Ash is right; we are running out of choices. This is the only way that I will be able to provide for them. This is the only way I can protect my little brother.

"I can't leave for the Capitol tomorrow." I state firmly, "I'll want the terms written out while I'm still here in seven. If your friend really wants me to sing for him, he can come here and we can work it out."

The green man beams drunkenly and pats my shoulder, "Good girl. I'll pass on the information before I depart tomorrow. I will be expecting to see you in the Capitol very soon, Camellia." He says stumbling off to the bar again.

I head for the door as fast as my heeled shoes allow. I can't catch my breath and I feel bile rising in my throat. What have I done? The hallway outside the ballroom is more crowded now with one-night lovers. I make my way up the curving staircase to the second floor where the doors to a balcony are open and as I walk out into the night air I realize just how hot I'd become inside. I take deep breaths of it, turning my face up to the gently falling snow. It's chilly, but I revel in the cleansing feel of it. Already, I'm disgusted with myself for what I've agreed to do. I don't know how I will face Holly let alone Ash but I try not to think of it as I lean on the balcony railing.

"Don't try jumping." A thick voice says from the doorway behind me. "From this height, it won't even kill you."

Rowan steps up beside me. He's holding his forest green suit coat jacket in his hand; his tie and top buttons of his shirt hang open messily. His short auburn hair looks rather untidy as well and I wonder if he wasn't recently one of the couples downstairs in the hallway.

"I wasn't planning on jumping." I say staring up at his vacant expression as he watches the snow fall through the air.

"Heard your little talk with Pompart." He states finally looking down toward me and making eye contact for the first time tonight; the first time since I threw him against the pole at the train station. "Don't do it."

"What do you mean? You don't have any say in what I do." I counter, frowning slightly. I can't decide if he's on his way to an outburst or if he's actually consciously talking to me right now.

"Don't sell yourself to the Capitol. They'll kill you." He whispers looking back toward the doors but no one else seems to have wandered onto the second floor.

"I'm going to sing. They aren't going to kill me. Besides, if I stay here my whole family, including myself, will die. There's no money here and there's more than enough there."

"They will crush you." He whispers with drunken conviction, "They will tear you apart. They will make you despise yourself." I stare at him skeptically. He sounds like he's not in control of his mind right now.

"I don't really have a choice. This is the only way to help my family."

He shakes his head sadly and seems to admit defeat, "Then promise you won't stay there long. You might make it out alive if you don't."

Now I know it must be the alcohol talking; he has no right to be asking me for promises but I appease him anyway. "I promise. I'll be back before Ash's first reaping." Two years, that's what I'll give myself; it will be more than enough.

"You look beautiful tonight." He says raising a hand at my body, "Very shimmery. Very perfect." I stay silent hoping he will stop talking so I can go inside. "You're always beautiful." He adds after a moment, staring flatly at me.

"You're always drunk." I throw back figuring he won't remember my rudeness tomorrow.

"It's easier that way." He replies, seeming not at all offended. "You'll see. I'll be here when you get back."

I'm not sure I know what he means and I don't think asking him to clarify will do any good so I turn to head back inside when he grabs me by both of my shoulders.

"I tried." He says to me, his eyes wild with fear and urgency, "I couldn't save him. There was nothing I could do."

I pull myself from his grip and take a step back, "I know." I whisper in shock and walk back into the building before he can grab me again. I'm just at the bottom of the staircase when he walks in.

"All you bastards can fuck yourselves." He shouts as he stumbles down the steps making me look downright graceful even in my heels. "I'm going to sleep this shit off." And with those parting words he slams out the front door leaving a chortling crowd behind him.

Johanna is next to me in an instant, "He didn't do anything to you, did he?" She whispers.

I shake my head, "No. Just told me a lot of strange things."

She nods stiffly, "He does do that. Party's closing up. You'd better go say good-bye to all your admirers." She says as she walks off to do the same.

Half an hour later, I've pulled on my outfit from the ceremony earlier today and an unknown peacekeeper is walking me home. I walk up to bed silently and decide just to sleep in what I'm wearing. I know that the stylists would be horrified, but it's comfortable enough for the night.

**AN**: There you have it! I hope you enjoyed it. I made it extra long this time since you had to wait an extra long time. I appreciate your patience and again if you want to vote, just follow the link at the top of the page. Hopefully the next part will be out next weekend!


	16. Chapter 16- Time Flies

**AN:** Hello everyone! I'm sorry this out so late on a Sunday night. I've been writing a midterm all weekend and it has been fighting me every step of the way. I want to thank you all for your reviews, your favorites, and your alert adds. Also, I received 2nd place in the Energize W.I.P. Awards. Thank you to everyone for your support and votes. It means so much to know you all enjoy this story as much as I enjoy writing it! So without further ado, here is part 16. Enjoy!

_The song used in this part is a clip from Somewhere Out There from Disney. _

**Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins. I do not own The Hunger Games.**

**Part 16**

I wake up the next day to bright sunlight streaming through the window. It's late, probably early afternoon. I lay there for a moment as all the events from last night wash over me and I feel exhausted all over again. Most prominently, I remember my promise to the portly green man to sing in the Capitol. I decide to wait to tell Ash and Holly. I should have a few days before the producer gets here and we come to an agreement. Then, when all is final, I'll tell them.

I hear squealing and look outside to see Ash and Holly throwing snowballs at each other from behind trees on the forest's edge. Their cheeks are flushed red and steam rises from their mouths as they breath through their grins. It always amazes me how they can still enjoy being children after everything they've been through. Some days I swear I feel like I'm a hundred years old. I groan stiffly as I get out of bed; today is one of those days.

I take a quick bath in cool water to wash off all the makeup from last night. As all the paint washes off, I can't help but look at my skin, still smooth and free of scars. It seems the Capitol has already left its permanent mark on me. I sit by the fire and brush out my hair, which has returned to its usual unruly waves. After it dries out, I pull it back into a ponytail and dress before joining Holly and Ash outside.

They've managed to build up walls of snow that they duck behind when they aren't launching snowballs at one another. Holly peeks over her wall and spots me standing in the yard. A broad smile spreads over her face and she waves.

"Camellia, come play!" She shouts as she ducks while Ash lobs a snowball her way. "Ash is too good!" She says throwing a weakly packed one herself but it disintegrates before ever reaching his wall.

I cross the yard quickly and dive behind Holly's wall.

"No fair!" Ash yells but as he does two more snowballs fly over our heads.

"Here, Holly. I can pack some if you throw them." I say, making quick work. She smiles happily and starts throwing snowballs as fast as I can make them.

"Hey!" Ash shouts as one hits him on the shoulder.

Holly squeals delightedly, "We got you, Ash!"

"Oh yeah?" He asks and Holly lets out a shriek as she runs away. "Come back here!"

"NO!" She shouts back and runs back to me, grabbing my hand, "Run, Camellia. He'll get you!"

"Oh no!" I yell, playing along as I run after her.

It doesn't take long for Ash to catch up to us though and he tackles me to the ground by the waist.

"Umpff." I grunt as we collapse in a heap in the snow.

"Camellia!" Holly calls, "I'll save you!"

"Uhgh." Ash groans as Holly jumps on top of him.

Holly lets out a squealing laugh that pierces through the quiet winter air. Ash starts laughing as well as he reaches up to poke her in the side. She giggles louder and he starts to tickle.

"No, Ash!" She says, "Get Camellia!"

They both look down from their pile on top of me.

"What?" I ask in surprise, "Holly I thought we were on the same team!"

"Not anymore!" She shouts and they both start tickling mercilessly at just the right spot on my sides.

"No!" I yell but they just giggle as they continue their torture. The laughter bubbles up of it's own accord and I can't stop it as it spills over my lips. Soon the air is filled with our laughter and the world doesn't seem so quiet.

"Stop!" I beg breathlessly, "I- give up! You- win!"

"Yes!" Ash shouts as they both stand and high five each other with triumphant grins. I don't stop laughing as they collapse in the snow next to me.

Holly leans over and puts a gloved hand to my cheek, forcing me to turn and look at her, "You laughed. You can be happy again." She says simply.

I smile at her, "Thanks, Holly." I say and give her a peck on the cheek.

"And you too, Ash." I say, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Ew, Camellia." He says with fake disgust rubbing at the same spot on his forehead. I roll my eyes and while he isn't looking plant another one on his cheek.

"Ugh!" He says swatting me away.

"I love you both so much." I say quietly with a sigh.

"We love you too." Holly says, cuddling up to my side.

"We do." Ash says with a smile as he reaches for my hand.

We lay there for a moment as the sun begins to fade behind the tree line. A shiver runs through my body, bringing me back to the reality that I'm laying in a bed of snow.

"It's freezing out here. Let's go in and I'll make some tea before dinner." I say.

"Okay!" Holly chirps standing and leading Ash and I by the hands back to the house.

...

I thought I would have days to figure out how I was going to tell Ash and Holly about my plan to sing in the Capitol. I don't have days before the producer arrives however. He arrives in the early afternoon the next day, rapping on the front door. I open it to a man whose lips look like they must have been stung by a hundred honeybees they are so swollen. His skin isn't dyed but there are gems implanted every couple of inches. His hair is purple and slicked back smoothly.

He smiles easily at me, "Camellia. I'm Bule Rize. It's nice to finally meet you. Sorry about my delay in getting here; Capitol protocol that I wait eight hours to leave after I buy a train ticket out." He explains with a roll of his eyes.

I take his hand and shake it firmly, "I wasn't really expecting you for a few days."

He chuckles, "Yes. Well, now that you'll be living in the Capitol you'll learn that everything is more fast paced than life here in the districts."

He looks around the room, "Is there a place we can sit so we can talk about your contract?"

I lead him to the dining table. Luckily, Ash is out setting snares and trying to find any edible plants he can. Holly is in the yard again playing around in the snow and although she did stare as the Capitol man came inside, she seems to have gone back to her game.

"Here is a standard contract," Bule says pushing a paper across the table with a bejeweled hand. "It states that the Capitol will use video of you and it's not necessary to procure your permission in advance. You'll be expected to sing for any an all performances I arrange for you. You will receive whatever profit is left once bills are taken care of. The only real issue is the length of time the contract will be good for."

"How much money is that- the profit?" I ask.

He smiles, "A smart girl. Well, it varies depending on the size of the crowd, the venue, the crew, etcetera, etcetera. I can't really give an exact figure. One of my boys from District 1 just brought in thousands for himself two nights ago and it was a very small, private concert."

I nod and he continues, "How long were you thinking? Normally, I suggest for a girl your age to sign on for about ten years. We can always add more time if the Capitol still finds you youthful enough."

I shake my head, "Two years. I don't want to stay any longer than that. I need to be back here for my brother and sister."

"I see," he says with a frown, "I understand but that is quite disappointing. We can reassess the situation though once the time comes. I fear you may not want to come back so soon, Camellia." He smiles patronizingly.

"Sure." I say giving him a false smile in agreement.

He scribbles on an empty spot of the contract, writing out the agreed length of time I would work under him. "Okay, just sign here dear." He says pointing at a line as he pushes the paper back toward me.

'It's the only way.' I think to myself as I quickly, and with closed eyes, sign two years of my life away.

"Right. I'll let you gather what belongings you wish to take with you and say good-bye." He says folding the paper and standing up. "We'll be leaving together on a train to the Capitol this time tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I repeat in surprise, "Can't it be a few days?"

He shakes his head, "Every day spent waiting is a day you loose money, Camellia. I'm sorry but tomorrow is the day." He crosses the room and leaves before I can form an argument.

I stand next to the dining table in shock. 'What have I done?' I ask myself for the second time this week. How will I be able to convince Ash that this is the only way? He won't have time to forgive me before I leave. He'll hate me.

"Holly?" I shout out the door and she looks up, "Come with me, we need to go see Maggie really quick."

She hops along through the snow as we make the journey to Maggie's house. Maggie must be able to tell something is wrong because she sets Holly down with some candied cherries and walks with me to the other side of the house.

I look up at her, knowing the guilt is written all over my face and that she can see it, "I need you to look after Holly and Ash." I whisper.

She tilts her head in question. Meaning to ask, why, where are you going?

I take a deep breath, "I've made a deal with the Capitol," terror registers in her eyes and she grips my arm with her icy fingers, "I'm going to sing for them."

She shakes her head fervently and I see the same look on her face as when Linden's name was chosen.

"I had to Maggie. There's no other money here and we wouldn't make it through winter."

The pain in her face makes me look away in shame; I hate myself for causing that look.

"It's only for two years. I'll send money back here for you and the kids. When I come back, I'll be old enough to work in the lumber yards; I might not have to work at all." I plead, trying to make her understand how desperate the situation is, "It will go by so fast you'll barely notice I've left."

She pulls me in for a tight hug.

"You'll take care of them then? While I'm gone?" I ask and she nods her head slowly looking sadly at Holly who's obliviously munching away on the cherries.

"I leave tomorrow afternoon. I haven't told them yet. They'll hate me." I murmur while we both watch her.

She takes my face in both her hands and rubs her thumbs gently over my cheeks. I take this gesture to mean, yes they will hate you, but you have to do this; they'll understand one day. At least that's what I've decided she's saying in my mind. It could just be that I'm making up these responses to comfort myself.

I smile weakly, "I'll miss you."

She pulls me in for another long hug before I gather Holly and we trek back home. Ash is in the yard chopping wood and he sees us coming.

"Nothing today. The snow's too deep." He tells me as I walk up.

"That's okay, Ash. Why don't you come inside for a minute? I need to tell you something." He gives me a skeptical look but follows and all three of us settle down at the table.

I don't know how to start so I take a deep breath and jump in, "The other night, at the party, a Capitol man heard me sing. He's a friend of a music producer in the Capitol, Mr. Rize." I watch terror cross Ash's face but push on.

"He was here this morning and I've signed a contract to sing in the Capitol-"

"NO!" Ash yells jumping out of his chair, eyes wild and points a finger at me, "No way, you said we would find a way! I told you I would work in the lumberyards! This isn't a way, Camellia! This is worse than the lumberyards!"

"Ash, please don't yell." I say as evenly as I can. Holly is sitting watching the scene in horror. I don't think she understands why Ash is upset. She doesn't understand what it means to sing for the Capitol.

"Why not?" He shouts back, "You lied to me, Camellia! Now you're just going to go off to the Capitol and leave us here. You might as well just die!"

I know it's only words he's throwing at me but they sure feel a lot like knives, "Ash..." I plead but I don't know what I can say to console him.

"How long?" He demands, his face dark with fury.

"Two years." I say and hurriedly add, "I didn't know this was all going to happen so fast-"

"Two years." He repeats flatly, "Why not twenty?"

"I'm only doing this until I'm old enough to work in the yards, Ash. It's the only way."

"When?" He whispers, turning away from me, "When are you leaving?"

I close my eyes because I know that this will only make things worse, "Tomorrow afternoon."

Before I can say anything more, he crosses the room and slams out the front door. I hear the sound of him chopping wood a few minutes later.

"Camellia, you're leaving?" Holly whispers with wide eyes.

I nod, "Yeah, Holly, I'm going to be gone for a long time. But I promise I'll come back."

"Why do you have to go? Did we make you mad?"

"No, sweetheart, that's not it at all. I just have to go work in the Capitol so that we'll have some money."

Tears start to pool in her eyes, "I don't want you to leave!" She protests.

I smile weakly, "And I don't want to leave, but I'll be back before you know it! Maggie will take care of you until then and you will have so much fun."

"I don't want to. I want you to stay here." She shakes her head.

"I know, Sweetheart," I say pulling her into my arms and she wraps herself around me, "I don't want to leave either but I have to."

Holly sits on the bed while I pack later that night. Ash is still outside chopping wood having only stopped briefly when I begged him to come in for supper. I take out the few outfits I have and fold them into an old bag even though I know that they will probably be thrown out as soon as I arrive in the Capitol. I leave the dress Linden and Maggie gave me though; I don't want it to be touched by the Capitol. I pack a photo of Linden and I, and another with my siblings and I. There's not much else that I want to bring with me. I will be wearing Linden's ring when I leave tomorrow and that handles all the possessions I have that hold sentimental value.

I sing Holly a lullaby and play with her hair to get her to sleep. Ash comes in without a word and pulls the blankets over his head. I lay awake for hours and the moon is high in the sky when I get up and walk into the small hallway upstairs.

I don't know why I've gotten up until I see the thin band of moonlight shining under the door to my parents' bedroom. Before I can think about what I'm doing, I've twisted the squeaky handle and pushed the door open to a room, dead for so many years, bathed in moonlight.

There's the bed, perfectly made, with a fine layer of dust on top of the quilt my mother made so many years ago when she'd first married my father. The small table covered with trinkets from my mother that my father made for her. I know it must all be in my head, but I swear it still smells like them, like the pine that they spent all day chopping and hauling down the mountains. And on the wall, just above the table, is what my body had brought me here for, a picture taken on their wedding day. They're both smiling and holding one another in front of an old maple tree. My father had shown me that exact tree once as he took me into the forest.

I carefully reach up and lift the picture off its nail before lying down on my parents' bed and clutching it tightly to my chest. I don't even realize I'm dozing off until after I wake up and the moonlight is gone. Now I'm lying in a dusty, old, dark room alone. I get up and place the photo into my bag before climbing into bed with a still sleeping Holly.

Morning comes too soon and it feels as though it's mocking me as the sunshine pours in through the window. Holly is awake and clinging to me already. Ash's bed is empty. When I wander downstairs, I see his coat is gone and he's not in the yard chopping wood so I figure he's in the forest.

Holly sits in my lap while we eat a meager breakfast in front of the fireplace. Neither of us has much of an appetite though. I sing all of Holly's favorite songs and make her sing them back to me.

"Why?" She asks when I tell her to sing yet another song for me, "You sing prettier."

"This way you can sing the songs for yourself while I'm gone, Holly." I say resting my cheek against hers as she leans back in my lap, "And when you do, you'll know that I'll be singing them too. I'll sing them every night for you."

"Promise?" She asks, her voice full of tears.

"Promise." I reply, my voice sounding tight as well.

We spend the whole morning like this so when Maggie arrives with her two bags of possession, my stomach drops. Is it really already the afternoon? How has the time flown by so fast? Where is Ash?

I stall for as long as I dare before grabbing my bag and putting on my coat.

"Please don't go!" Holly begs wrapping her arms around my legs as tears stream down her face.

"I have to Holly. But you'll have Ash and Maggie, okay? You'll keep Ash in line, right?" Her bottom lip trembles as she looks up at me in desperation. I bend down to her height and whisper, "And you have our song right? You just sing that and I'll hear you and I'll sing back."

She nods weakly and wraps her arms around my neck, "I love you, Camellia."

"I love you too, Holly, more than you could ever know." I say through my constricting throat. I pull her back from me, "How does the song start again?"

"Somewhere- out there," she sings haltingly through her sobs and I join her.

_Beneath the pale moonlight_

_Someone is thinking of me, and loving me tonight_

_And even though I know how very far apart we are_

_It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star._

We both stop after these lines since she's sobbing hysterically and I fear I might start to as well if I keep going.

"You can be strong for me right, Holly? Just for a little while." I ask wiping a tear away with the back of my finger. She nods and hiccups a bit but stands tall with her chin up. "That's my girl." I say and stand.

"Thank you Maggie." I say giving her a hug too. She pats my back, which I take to mean you're welcome.

I walk as slowly as I can to the train station hoping that Ash might come running out of the woods at any moment; he doesn't though. Once I reach town, I start to walk more quickly because I know I'm running late. I'm just crossing the platform when I hear my name being shouted.

"CAMELLIA!" I turn around and see Ash sprinting across the street and bounding up the platform. He almost knocks me down and he throws himself at me for a hug. "I'm sorry! Don't go!" He begs in a whisper, "We'll figure it out just like you said. Just don't go."

"I have to Ash." I whisper as hot tears slide down my face. "Take care of Holly for me and help Maggie out when you can. I'll be back before you know it."

He tightens his hold on me, "I love you. Just come back home. Promise me you'll come back."

"I will, Ash. I'll come back; don't you ever doubt that." I say choking on my words.

"I don't want to lose you too."

"You won't." I assure him and the train is whistling as a last call to board. "I have to go. I love you, Ash."

"I love you too, Camellia." He says prying his arms from around me as I back onto the train. The doors slide shut and I watch him turn to a tiny speck on the platform before I turn to enter my assigned cabin. I wipe away the tears as I walk, looking for compartment 4B.

Brule is already there waiting for me along with a boney pink tinted woman, "Camellia, this is Pamina Zelesta, your performance coach. She'll be working with you on your voice and dancing. You'll get started after lunch. This," he says handing me a sheet of paper, "is your performance schedule for the next week." He pushes a button and attendants come in pushing carts full of delicacies to eat.

Pamina doesn't talk much to me as they maintain a conversation about my future performances and I don't mind much. I'm overwhelmed because, once again, I thought I would at least have a day to prepare myself before I was thrown into my Capitol life. But, as Brule had pointed out yesterday, life moves faster in the Capitol so I should have expected this.

"No, no, no!" Pamina reprimands three hours into our voice lesson, "Like this." She says trilling her voice effortlessly.

I focus and repeat exactly what she just sang.

"Good." She says, which I've already learned is as good a compliment as I'll ever get out of this woman. "Now do it without the terrifying face you just made. A pretty face makes a famous singer." And so it goes for another two hours before she gives up on me for the time being.

"Here," She says handing me a set of papers, "Learn these. You have an hour break."

I look down at the papers in my hand, "These are the songs I need to sing tonight? There's no way I can learn all of this in a few hours!"

"Tsk, tsk." She clicks at me, "Little girls in the districts can't do it, but you are not a district girl anymore. You are a Capitol entertainer now. And Capitol entertainers must do it." She floats out of the room without another word.

An hour later, my mind is spinning but I think I have a pretty good handle on the songs she's given me. She floats back into my compartment and sits across from me waving a hand indicating I should stand.

"Begin." She orders and the music starts up on the box they have given to me. Somehow it has all the music programmed into it and it can play songs on command. It's fascinating but right about now I'm ready to throw it across the room.

I start singing the stupid, shallow lyrics. It's some bouncy song about being caught in a lie by a lover. I don't know how the Capitol citizens can enjoy this- actually I can- but I don't know why they prefer this to the meaningful music of the districts. I'm distracted for a moment thinking about the ridiculousness of the lyrics and I stumble, losing my place in the song.

"Stop!" Pamina shouts, "Start again!"

And so it continues. After I satisfactorily sing the songs, we move on to learning dances meant for each one. I look like a lunatic flailing my body around but Pamina assures me that the Capitol will positively love it if I ever get it right. I feel like my head is spinning by the time the train pulls into the Capitol. The sun has set and a cold wind is blowing across the platform as we disembark. We are shuttled into a waiting car that will take us to my apartment. I've never been in a car before and I'm not sure I like it at all. I feel like I'm flying out of control we're moving so fast.

I'm grateful when it stops in front of a bright blue building, "Here we are." Brule says sliding out and walking me up to my apartment, 11a. It's the top floor of the building and I can see the bright lights of the Capitol spread out below me.

"Urela is in 11b. She's part of the team as well, from District 8, an actress." Brule says as he snaps every light in the apartment on. I can't imagine how much electricity he's wasting by doing this but I remain silent. It's ridiculous that the Capitol should be able to waste so much when the districts don't even have reliable power through the night on most days. "Your stylist will be here shortly to fix you up. A car will be by at ten to take you to the venue."

"My stylist?" I ask the word having caught my attention.

"Yes!" He says, sounding excited that I appear to have taken an interest, "Elexia, I believe you know her. She applied for the position and said she had done your prep for the Victory Tour."

I nod in surprise, "Yes. I know her."

"Right. We'll leave you to settle in. I'll see you when you get to the venue!" He chirps cheerfully as he and Pamina walk out my door leaving me in my terribly bright, terribly lonely apartment.

**AN: ** And there you have it! I hope you found it enjoyable. I would love it if you would drop me a line. I enjoy hearing what everyone thinks. As always you can follow me on tumblr at thegirlofdistrict7 The next chapter should be out next weekend sometime!


	17. Chapter 17- Acclimation

**AN: **So here is the newest chapter! I just quickly want to give a big shout out to emjay, one of my lovely readers. Thank you so much for your reviews, I look forward to hearing what you think as much as you look forward to reading each new chapter! And thank you to everyone else who has added this story to their favorites/alerts and/or has reviewed a chapter. I really appreciate your never-ending support. You guys are my motivation to get the new chapters up even during the busy weeks.

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games or any of it's characters. All of that fortune belongs to Suzanne Collins._

**Part 17- Acclimation **

I walk through the rooms of my apartment feeling completely out of place. This world is full of luxury I couldn't even have imagined. Not only does the kitchen have hot and cold water from the tap, but the bathroom does too. There's an icebox that runs on electricity to keep everything cool so there's no need to preserve food for the winter. The carpet running through the living area and bedroom is so thick it feels like I'm walking on forest moss. The walls of every room are painted in rich colors that remind me of summer fruits, all deep purples and sunny yellows. A sparkling chandelier hangs over the dining table. Seeing all of this, it makes sense that the districts have so little. It must take an exorbitant amount of labor just to make everything in this one apartment let alone the entire building and city.

I take a seat on the new, flawless couch and pick at my nails; I'm sure Elexia would be horrified if she saw me do it. I expect it to be silent like it is at home when Ash and Holly are out of the house, however, I couldn't be more wrong. It's loud even in the empty apartment as the noise from the streets below float up through the walls of the building. Horns are blaring and raucous partygoers laugh in the streets on their way to clubs. It's the first time since this morning that I've been alone and had time to think; I'm not sure that I like it. I have time now to run over every detail in Ash's face as he pleaded with me to stay so by the time Elexia is rapping sharply on my door, I feel ill.

The second I open it, she throws herself at me squealing, "Isn't this just so exciting? When I heard that you were coming to the Capitol as an entertainer, I told myself, 'You'd better get over there! This is your chance.'"

I give her a half smile, "It's like a promotion, right?"

She laughs airily as she guides me to the bathroom, "A big one! I'm on my way to being one of the great stylists now! I'm not an apprentice anymore."

"That's great Elexia." I say and I almost really mean it. If anyone were to profit from this shitty situation, I figure she would be the one I would pick. She's an airhead but I think she means well.

"For tonight," she continues on, "I thought we'd still keep it subdued. Brule said that this is just a bit of a tester. He said it's going to be a small audience of some higher-ups. Tomorrow is your debut to the Capitol at large."

"Oh." I answer because this is news to me. I'm starting to think I should have taken a closer look at that performance sheet Brule had given me when I'd first gotten on the train. She chatters on and I just add little sounds in here and there to give her the impression I'm still focused on her words. Really I'm drifting off to sleep as she tugs and twists my hair every which way into a design that towers above my head.

"Camellia!" She shouts and my eyes snap open. "Here take this." She says placing a bright yellow drink in my hand.

"What is it?" I ask holding the glass up at eye level to look at the translucent yellow liquid inside.

"It's a medicine drink. It'll keep you awake for hours." She explains waving a hand through the air. "I use it all the time. It really works wonders!"

I shrug. There's no way I'll stay awake through this performance on my own so I drink it down quickly. On the first swallow I can feel something warm spread from my core out to my extremities, like the feeling when you wake up after a good night sleep.

"Now," Elexia says pulling a garment bag into the room. "We need to get you dressed or we'll be late."

I glance at the clock on the wall, "It's eight thirty."

"I know! That's why we have to get moving!" She insists. An hour later, I can understand why she was concerned. I'm in magenta gown that has a sweeping hemline starting mid-thigh on my right side before swooping toward the floor on my left.

"There!" Elexia says, straightening up after hand sewing a seam to take the dress in a bit more. "Perfect."

Clearly the Victory Tour dress was not of great concern and close had been good enough. At least that's what Elexia told me when I asked why she didn't fuss over me a few nights ago. Today, everything has to be positively perfect, which apparently means standing like a statue while tiny tucks are taken around the dress so it is literally made for my body.

"Now shoo! You're going to be late if you don't get out right now!" She says pushing me out the door. I nearly trip in the black, heeled shoes she's put me in but I manage to get to the car with all my body parts intact. Pamina is waiting when the driver opens the door for me and she looks a lot more comfortable than I am covered in fur; she can actually breathe in her dress.

"You're late." She says coolly as the car drives away from my apartment.

"Elexia needed to do some extra work on the dress." I explain.

"It doesn't matter why." She reprimands, holding up a hand, "Late is late and you will be blamed if the performance runs late."

"Right." I nod my head.

"It's only a short drive before we arrive." She says flatly, "When you get out of the car, there will be a short walk to the door of the performance center. There will be cameras there watching your every move. Smile. Make it look genuine. And for the love of all that's good in the Capitol, do _not_ trip."

"So no pressure." I say sarcastically but I should have known she wouldn't approve of this. Pamina doesn't seem the type for jokes to lighten the mood.

"You're whole life will be pressure now. You'd better get used to it." She replies harshly, looking rather irritated with me, before stepping out of her door that the driver has opened.

I can hear them before my door is even open. There's the clicking of video equipment and snapping of camera shutters along with the low rumble of a crowd waiting for something important. It just surprises me that apparently that important thing is me.

I try not to squint since I'm sure Pamina would not approve but there are so many bright flashes going off I can hardly see were I'm supposed to be walking. I focus on putting one foot directly in front of the other and I try to smile earnestly at the cameras. They're all shouting things at me but I can't make out anything clearly in all the ruckus so I just keep walking. In reality, it's a short, carpet lined path to the doorway and safety but it feels like I've crossed all of District 7 by the time I get there. I cross the threshold, slightly breathless, and the door is slammed shut behind me but the rumble doesn't stop. There are people all around me even inside the building but they don't seem preoccupied by my presence. Rather, they are all scurrying around in the dark halls talking into tiny wires attached to their ears.

"There you are, dear." A voice says as a hand wraps around my shoulder and starts walking me deeper into the building. I continue to blink to try and regain my sight in this dimly lit corridor. "You look lovely, just what the Capitol loves to see." I blink again and make out the bejeweled hand resting on my shoulder; it's Brule.

We continue to walk quickly through corridor after corridor until he stands me directly in front of him, "You're standing on a platform right now that is going to lift you up onto the stage when I give them the signal. Don't move until you are completely even with the stage above. There will be the usual special effects just don't act surprised when you see them. Now, do you remember all your songs?" He asks.

I nod my head.

"What was that?"

"Yes." I reply, as if I could forget them after the hours I spent repeating them today.

"And the dances?"

"I remember those too." How could I forget the idiotic flailing of my body that is supposed to be attractive by Capitol standards?

"Good girl." He pats my shoulder. "I'll be here when you get back." He turns away and speaks into a small box that 'everything's a go' and the floor starts to move underneath me. It's a strange feeling, the floor floating upwards, but I forget it instantly as I first glimpse the 'small' audience I'm supposed to sing for. There are easily hundreds of people here. Don't they have anything better to do? Why are they here to watch me?

An explosion starts on the floor in front of me and I nearly fall backwards but stop myself, taking only a few wide steps away from the flames. These must be the 'usual special effects' that Brule was talking about. I try to act like flaming floors are completely normal and that I'm not even slightly perturbed by this display even though I can feel my heart practically beating out of my chest. I don't doubt that the crowd can see it thumping away in my chest.

The opening notes of the first song I've memorized boom through the hall so loudly I can feel it in my bones, shaking them. I do their stupid Capitol dances and I sing their ridiculously shallow lyrics to the bouncy beat doing my best to look thrilled. They've done something to my voice coming out of the speakers too; it sounds almost electronic compared to my real voice. But all of it must work because the audience is going nuts. It reminds me of the reactions during Linden's interview but I push it from my mind in an instant because now is definitely not the time to be thinking of such things; not when I have to concentrate just to remember the words to the songs and the steps my body is supposed to be making.

The entire thing ends as quickly as it started. Before I realize it, I'm standing back on the platform which starts to lower me back into the ground as fire shoots up from the floor again and the crowd roars.

Even once I'm fully underground I can still hear the rumble of the crowd above. I'm beginning to wonder if there is ever anywhere silent in the Capitol. Brule is there immediately leading me away through new hallways as he breathlessly congratulates me, "Very well done. They loved you, Camellia. They are enamored, just wait until tomorrow night!" He enthuses, walking quickly as I try to keep up in these shoes that are, by now, killing my feet.

"Where are we going?" I demand testily as we practically run down another hallway.

"Oh, sorry dear. I forgot to mention that did I?" He says with a chuckle, "You have a meet and greet with some of the most important people in the audience. You always will after a performance. It's a way to get to know your people." He says with a wolfish smile.

"Oh, of course." I smile sarcastically and we continue on. Applause erupts from the room as the doors open for me and a sea of people are staring at me, all pushing in closer to get a better look.

Two hours later, Brule is still ushering me around the room full of people. I get the impression he thinks of me as a new accessory the way he shows me off to anyone we meet.

"Ah, Nikkia, love," Brule exclaims as we walk up to a woman who has clearly had surgery to make her face look young again. To me, she just looks surprised because of the way her eyebrows arch. "How are you this evening?" He gushes.

"Very well, Brule." She says giving him her hand, which he kisses politely.

"Camellia, this is one of our best patrons, Nikkia Dolov." Brule introduces.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." I respond and she nods her head.

"You performed beautifully tonight. You are truly a diamond in that pit of lumber. How lucky that Brule found you there and saved you from that fate."

I don't know what to say to this. What fate was he saving me from really? In two years I would return with enough money to finally support my family. If I could have found any other way to stay with my siblings instead of coming to the Capitol, I would have. I want to defend my home and myself but I know it would be frowned upon so I settle for a noncommittal nod. I've been doing that a lot tonight, nodding, but it saves me the trouble of trying to answer in a socially correct manner.

"Have you been enjoying your time in the Capitol thus far?" She asks smoothly.

"I- I just arrived earlier today actually. I haven't had a chance to do much other than get ready for the performance." I explain, sounding too much like a little girl and not enough like the confident woman I want to be. Nikkia gives a thin smile of understanding anyway. It makes her appear like someone drew her lips on with a pencil and I realize her eyebrows look the same way; like a picture Holly might have drawn at school.

Before she can ask anything else, a stunning young man walks up and hands Nikkia a drink. When he turns around to face me, I recognize him almost instantly. He's nearly a head taller than me and he wears a navy tie with teal green shirt that fails to conceal the toned physique under it's fabric. His bronze hair glints in the light and his eyes remind me of a picture of the sea I once saw in a schoolbook. It's Finnick Odair. I've seen him on the television during his Games and then the Reapings of course but the television never really did him justice. He's flawless even in real life and his natural beauty stuns me momentarily.

"Camellia, I'm sure you recognize the famous, Finnick Odair, already." Nikkia says as she places a hand on his arm.

"Yes." I say quietly, lacking any better form of introduction, and shake his hand quickly.

"Wonderful performance," he purrs over his glass. "No one could take their eyes off of you." He looks me up and down and I nearly duck behind Brule but decide otherwise.

"Thank you." I reply, fighting the urge to start picking my nails. "I appreciate that you both came."

"Of course, Camellia," Nikkia replies as if this is a silly thing to say, "I always check out the newest and best coming in from the districts. I'm always looking for new blood to dote on." She gives a wicked grin and I feel a chill run up my spine. I don't like her but I can't put my finger on exactly why. A look flashes across Finnick's face for a moment but it's gone before I can place it and I end up wondering if I was just imagining things.

"We're looking forward to your premier tomorrow night." Finnick hums lowly as he takes a sip of his own drink.

"Will you be attending, Finnick?" Brule inquires excitedly. He's practically falling over himself with joy that Finnick Odair has taken an interest in my work. I find it odd and slightly disgusting but do my best to keep a neutral, if not happy, face.

Finnick beams brightly, his teeth just as perfect as the rest of his body, "I won't sadly. I'll just have to watch the program on the television. I'll be on my way back to District 4, actually. A little R and R before the new year and all the celebrations."

"Well that's too bad." Brule replies, failing at any attempt to hide his severe disappointment, "But I'm sure it will be nice to visit the district again. It must be so quaint to go back there now."

Finnick smiles again but instead of answering gives a nod, one which I am all to familiar with as it forgoes the need to agree or disagree. People merely take the nod to mean whatever it is they wish to hear. Maybe he hates going back to District 4 or maybe he loves it; either way Brule will make his own opinions of it.

Brule gives our best wishes as he bows out of Finnick and Nikkia's company to introduce me to another patron. After another hour of meeting patrons, mostly older businessmen, Brule has shuffled me out the backdoor to head home. I don't have to face any cameras, which I'm thankful for as the yellow drink seems to be wearing off and I can barely stand on my own two feet.

The driver gently shakes my shoulder to wake me once we've pulled up outside of the bright blue building. He never talks and is apparently what they call an Avox. He has a kind face though as he leads me up to the front door before driving away. I ride the elevator up to the eleventh floor by myself, already looking forward to a long sleep; I'm exhausted.

When I arrive, there's a woman leaving from the apartment across from mine dressed provocatively in a short sparkly dress. Her face is covered in heavy makeup but she can't be much older than twenty-two.

She glances up with a hollow look in her eyes as she looks me up and down, "You must be the new girl, Camellia, District 7, singer, right?" She asks walking up to me, her hips swaying as her skimpy outfit barely manages to cover her most intimate areas.

"Yes. You're Urela?" I ask holding out a hand which she takes shortly before dropping her hands back to her sides. She's beautiful, very exotic looking with her dark hair and almond eyes.

She nods slowly, "District 8, an actress." She says with just a touch of what I think is bitterness.

"Are you leaving to perform now?" I say looking at the clock above the elevator reading two in the morning.

She laughs dryly, "No, I have a date." She says pushing the button on the elevator, "And you will too in no time. Sleep well, Camellia." She says before the doors slide shut on her.

I don't think much as I shower quickly before falling into bed in just my underclothes. I don't have the energy to find pajamas and I barely get under the covers before I fall off into oblivion. But just before I drift into unconsciousness, I think of Holly and our song and I hum the first few notes to myself before sleep drags me under its dark depths.

A sharp knock at the front door wakes me the next morning. I pull on a robe that's hanging on the bathroom door before answering. Pamina floats in with a displeased look.

"You're not dressed yet?" She chastises.

I look down at my disheveled self and glance to the clock; it's two in the afternoon. I've never slept so late in my life, "No. Sorry, just give me one minute." I say hurrying back to my room and pulling out whatever is on top. Elexia must have stocked the apartment after I left.

"That's one minute less that you will have to perfect your performance for tonight." She calls out testily from the living room as I pull clean clothes on haphazardly.

Pamina gives a heavy sigh when I walk back in but crosses over to a box similar to the one on the train yesterday. She fiddles with a few dials and the music starts up.

"You need to work on several songs before tonight." She states firmly, "Several of them were just atrocious last night."

"It didn't seem like anyone else noticed." I mutter under my breath but apparently not quietly enough because I watch as she presses her lips into an even thinner line.

"They will." She says coolly, "Give it time. They will start searching for your mistakes and they will tear you apart."

I shrug and give up the argument; it's easier just to agree. We work on several of the same songs from last night that were 'just atrocious' either because of my singing or my dancing. The sun has begun to set by the time she declares I've had enough for one day.

"Tonight is the biggest performance you will have. Do it right, and you will capture the Capitol by storm. Fame and fortune will be yours. Do it wrong and you'll be singing in the gutters on the streets for the next two years until Brule can get rid of you." She states firmly then raises an eyebrow even higher making her look even more shocked than before, "Do you understand?" This must be her idea of a pep talk.

"Yes." I say softly.

"Your car will be here at nine thirty. Don't be late; it's a longer drive to the auditorium you will be performing in tonight." She says before floating out of the door just as she came.

My stomach grumbles right on cue and I realize I can't remember the last time I ate; I think lunch on the train yesterday. I pull out a box from the icebox and put it in the electric oven according to its directions.

The timer is just beeping when a sharp rapping starts at the door. I shout for the person to come in as I pull out a perfectly cooked meal. I'm still staring at it in awe as Elexia enters caring another garment bag with her.

"You can eat while you soak!" She chirps, "Tonight's a big, big night and we don't have much time."

I follow her without protest as I scarf down the food knowing that she was right for worrying about time last night. I finish eating quickly and she starts working on my nails again while I continue to soak in the silky water. She makes a quick job of it and is yanking at my hair in no time.

"I heard everything went well last night?" She says as a question rather than a statement.

"I guess it depends who you ask. Brule was pleased. So were all the people he made me talk to. Pamina was appalled." I say giving a shrug.

"Well, I suppose she just feels there's always room for improvement. She wants you to be your absolute best just like the rest of us." She says airily as she sprays a caustic smelling chemical on my hair that makes it sparkle flamboyantly. She does my makeup, covering my eyes in a shade of dark silver she keeps calling gunmetal and stencils in some swirling patterns from the corners of my eyes running to my hairline and over my cheekbones. I look like some sort of monster straight from a graphite mine but she's thrilled with the effect.

I slip into the dress she's brought and she starts working at a feverish pace. This time it's the same gunmetal color as my makeup, strapless, and the fabric twists stiffly in a circle around my torso before flowing into the skirt. The entire front half where the skirt should be only comes down to mid-thigh then dramatically swoops down to brush the ground in the back. The fabric is so stiff it acts more like a fixed dome than a skirt. This dress has fewer fixes since Elexia apparently made note of what needed fixing last night.

When she finally let's me see the full effect in the mirror, I'm speechless. I look just like one of them, a Capitol freak. I thank Elexia for her hard work anyway. After all, I'm supposed to be attractive to these people and this is attractive in their world.

"Just wait until you get to watch it! You're going to be so glittery!" She says clapping her hands excitedly for me.

"Watch it?" I ask.

She nods fervently, "Oh yes! Tonight they'll be recording your entire performance and airing on the Capitol television! Everyone will be able to see you, even your friends back in District 7."

This news sends a shock of cold running through my veins "Everyone." I repeat flatly.

"Everyone!" She repeats happily before heading out the door.

The thought that Ash and Holly might see me like this horrifies me. I don't want them to see this, what I've let them turn me into, but I don't have any choice in the matter apparently. Ash would be horrified, I'm sure, while Holly would sit in the living room wishing she could be just like me. This is nothing I would ever want my sister to emulate. I sit in my living room until nine thirty thinking about Ash's reaction if he were ever to see me perform looking like this. It makes me feel sick but I can't keep my mind from mulling it over.

As I walk out, Urela is leaving as well, dressed in a short red dress with a plunging neckline. She looks at me and smiles dryly.

"The big performance tonight."

I nod and before I can stop them the words slip out, "I feel like a freak."

This elicits a bigger smile; more genuine, "That's because you look like one. But that's good here. Everyone will love you." She looks me up and down again and I detect something like jealousy in her eyes as she adds, "You're so young. And pretty."

I feel awkward because of her stares so I change topics, "Do you have a shoot tonight?"

She shakes her head, "No. I have to go to the premier of my newest film."

"Oh. Well good luck." I say and we ride the elevator in silence the rest of the way. Two black cars are waiting when we walk out of our building and as the door is opened for Urela to enter I catch a glimpse of a blue man whose hands instantly wrap around her waist as she slides onto his lap before the car door closes.

Pamina is waiting for me again but doesn't comment as I get into the car. I take that to mean that, so far, I haven't made any grievous errors tonight. When we arrive I walk a carpet again, this time longer and with more cameras. I'm more prepared this time though and the lights don't seem quite as bright. I flash my most brilliant smile as Pamina instructed me to and they go wild shouting for one more, one more.

Brule is instantly at my side when I walk through the doors, "Last night was just a dress rehearsal for this, Camellia. If you do exactly what you did last night, only better, you'll have them all sold- the entire Capitol. They remember you from those interviews from the Games. They already love you; they sympathize with you. They want you to be a presence in their lives again. All you have to do is give them a show." He explains quickly as if this were as easy to do as following a few written directions.

I nod anyway and figure that with all the practice Pamina has drilled me through, I should be able to accomplish this, "Right." I reply and the stage is rising without warning this time.

A burst of fire and the booming music begins as I repeat everything about last night. There must be thousands of people here. I have no idea where they've all come from but Brule is right; they are enamored with me. A cloud of smoke rises up from nowhere and fire bursts again before I'm lifted back under the stage.

"Brilliant!" Brule yells over the roar that can still be heard underground. "They loved you!" And again, he guides me into a room backstage where a crowd cheers and presses in on me while Brule parades me around the room like a new bobble he's purchased. I smile and nod and thank and greet like I'm supposed to until I'm replaced in my car. Silently, I am driven home where I'm alone in an apartment that is not quite by any means because of all the Capitol traffic but it is deafeningly lonesome.

…

A knock comes at the door one afternoon when I'm not expecting anyone. I don't have a performance tonight and Pamina had already finished coaching me this morning. When I open the door, Urela waltzes in somewhat unsteadily and takes a seat on my couch.

"I thought we could both hang out since neither of us has anything to do." She announces in a voice just a touch louder than necessary.

"Okay." I say quietly, fiddling with the hem of my shirtsleeve before sitting down next to her. "What do you want to do?"

"Well I don't want to drink anymore, I know that much." She answers sarcastically. "I have downed enough today and it's not helping at all. I just can't stand being alone in that apartment for another second." She finishes dramatically.

It certainly isn't hard to see why she's been successful as an actress here in the Capitol, not to mention the fact that she's positively stunning. She often wears wigs, I've noticed, but today she's wearing her hair in its natural bob; brown and straight with a sharp angle towards her chin. Most of her features are rather sharp actually. She has very prominent cheekbones that rest below her almond eyes and a perfectly pointy nose. She usually dresses quite simply as well unless she has a performance or other engagement. Today she's wearing a read long sleeved shirt with dark, soft-looking wool pants.

"Well I was just going to go on a walk. You can join if you want." I suggest softly. I have recently started taking walks on the afternoons when I don't have to prepare for a concert. Winter is firmly settled over the city but the weather has been clear lately and the fresh air helps to clear my mind, preventing me from ruminating over how much I dislike being here.

"It could help clear your head a bit." I offer as I stand and reach for a coat.

"Oh my head is clear enough." She grumbles but stands anyway, "It's too clear- that's the problem. A walk sounds as good as anything though, I guess."

She takes a few stumbling steps before finding her footing and joins me out in the hall a few minutes later wrapped in a purple coat. I take a sharp breath of the chilly air as we step outside. It's colder than it looked when we were inside but with the sun shining it keeps me fairly warm.

"Where should we walk?" I ask as we start heading aimlessly to the north.

Urela shrugs, "Let's go down to the river."

I nod and we silently take a side street as we pass it that leads down a small hill. This river isn't like the stream back home though. It doesn't have a natural bed of mud but is instead dug out and lined with concrete. It also flows uphill so I know there must be some machine pushing the water. Nothing in the Capitol can be natural it seems even their rivers have to be technologically modified for aesthetic purposes.

A sidewalk runs along the banks of the river and there are several other people walking around us, enjoying the sunny day. We don't say much as we walk which gives me the chance to notice the glances we're receiving. People recognize Urela, maybe even me too. Some just glance over quickly with wide eyes before averting their gaze others gawk openly putting no effort toward discreteness.

"You get used to it." Urela says from beside me and I turn to see her watching me. "People will always stare at you now when you go out but most of the time they'll leave you alone if they're not in big groups."

"You're recognized every time you leave the house?"

She nods, "They recognize you too though. It's not just me. Look, see that man there? He's watching you."

I glance to where she's pointing and sure enough there's a man probably ten years my senior staring from across the road.

"It's weird that they care so much." I say as a shiver runs through me.

"That's the way you make any money." Urela replies with a shrug. "If they didn't recognize you, they wouldn't want to watch you perform."

I can't argue with that logic but I can't say that it brings me any comfort knowing that I'm earning money by drawing the attention of strangers to myself. We continue to walk in relaxed silence again and I enjoy the sunlight on my face as a chilly wind whips down the river.

Urela's pace slows and she walks to the edge, leaning over the railing to look down at the rushing current below. I follow her and copy her movements. I can't see the bottom of this river- only dark blackness- so I know it must be deep. Whatever pushes the currents of water certainly does a good job as I watch small waves lap up against the concrete from its turbulent flow.

"Do you know how to swim, Camellia?" Urela asks flatly, still staring down at the water below us.

"Of course. Don't you?" I reply, imagining what kind of world she could have grown up in never knowing how to swim.

"No. There isn't any free water in eight. It's all underground until it comes up through the pipes. There's more room to build factories that way when they don't have to worry about water getting in the way." She explains.

"Oh." I say in surprise. I suppose that it makes sense. Eight makes textiles; there's no need for nature in a district like that. "That's too bad."

"What does it feel like?"

A shadow of a smile crosses my face, "I always imagine it feels a lot like floating on air. The water makes your body feel weightless."

"That sounds nice." She says, looking up to me with a small smile. "Do you think I could swim in this?" She nods her head down to the water below.

I shake my head, "No. The current is too strong. It would probably pull you under, especially if you haven't learned to swim before."

"That still doesn't sound too bad." She replies with a sigh.

I frown at this but she pushes off of the railing and starts walking back towards our apartment again without further explanation.

"Come on." She says, looping her arm in mine and pulling me closer to her side with a smile, "I'm starving. We should order something good for dinner and eat together tonight since we're both free."

Maybe I'm crazy but it seems like her mood has made a complete turn around in the last two minutes. I smile anyway and nod.

"Sounds nice." I respond, watching her smile grow brighter and more genuine in response. She keeps up a lighthearted chatter the entire way home and we eat delicious foods I can't name that she orders in. I can't help but feel like a strange sort of friendship has begun to form between the two of us.

**AN: ** And there you have it folks. Please feel free to leave a review to let me know what you think! Next chapter should be out next weekend. Have a great week everyone!


	18. Chapter 18- Party Guests

**AN:** Hello everyone! This chapter is kind of fluff. I wanted to dip a little deeper into the new characters and do a little bit of plot setup. I don't actually have much to say this week so let's just jump right to it. Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games. That joy in life belongs only to Suzanne Collins._

**Part 18- Party Guests**

"So I heard you're performing for Nikkia Dolov's party tonight." Urela announces one morning several weeks later as she walks into my apartment without knocking.

I nod as I pull out a breakfast meal box and place it in the oven. "I am. She's throwing some big party for a friend. He got a promotion or something. How did you know?"

"I'll be there too." She states as she hops onto one of the chairs at the counter. "I have a date with a big wig that knows Nikkia."

"Another guy, Urela?" I ask in surprise, trying to keep the judgment out of my voice. She's been with at least half a dozen men since we first met.

"Sure is." She affirms shamelessly, taking a swig from the bottle she's brought with her. It must be some sort of alcohol but it barely seems to affect her most days. I don't understand how she can walk around so lucidly but she manages to so typically I don't say much about it.

"What was wrong with the last one?" I ask out of curiosity.

She rolls her eyes at me, "Not my type. Too grabby."

"Maybe you should just give it a break for a while. You might find someone nice if you did." I suggest, pulling out my breakfast as the timer beeps.

"Right," she says giving a snort of disbelief, "There isn't a single nice man in the Capitol, Camellia. Give me a break."

"Then why do you bother dating?" I demand in exasperation.

She shrugs, "Something to do to pass the time."

She says it lightly enough but there's something about her face that makes me think there's more to it than that. I notice that a lot when I'm with Urela. It's almost as if she's holding certain things back; not quite lying but not telling the full truth. I let it slide for now though as I dig into my breakfast.

"Everyone is going to be there tonight." Urela pipes up again after a moment of silence.

I frown, "Everyone, like who?" I don't really know that many people here, my schedule has ensured that. Sure there are the acquaintances from parties but the only people I regularly converse with are Urela, Pamina, Elexia, and Brule.

"Finnick Odair will be attending with Nikkia. She never goes to parties without him these days. Anesta, Cashmere and Gloss. So is Rowan Carson from your district, actually." She lists holding up fingers for each person she names as she goes. She continues on and there are several other Victors as well as a few other entertainers whom I recognize.

"Why are so many Victors coming?" I ask. Normally they only come back to the Capitol for things involving the Games especially so many of them all at once.

"The party is for a man who just got promoted to Gamemaker. They wanted to bring in as many past Victors as possible to share in the celebration." She explains dryly before taking another swig from her bottle. "It should be interesting. These things usually are with all the Victors around."

She steals a bit of some cooked root that I don't know the name of from my plate and munches on it contentedly.

"You know you could heat up your own." I say, pointing my fork at her.

She just shakes her head with a small smile before stealing another bite, "Too much work when I can just eat yours. Are you singing anything new tonight?"

"I don't know." I shrug, "Pamina decides that not me. We've been working on a couple new songs but I don't know if she thinks they're perfect yet."

"How do you stand that?" She asks taking the last bite of my breakfast out from under me.

"Stand what?" I ask, irritation clearly in my voice as I grab a tiny, perfect fruit that is orange but shaped like an apple. I bite into it and a sweet tangy flavor bursts forth.

"All that practice! I go to film, do a couple takes, and that's it. They cut it and manipulate it to make me look good."

I roll my eyes at this, "You do practice on set."

"That's not the same. I hear Pamina; that woman _drills_ you." She returns to drinking from her bottle again now that there's no food sitting in front of her.

"Elexia says she just wants me to be my absolute best." I say, trying to give the benefit of the doubt to my coach.

"Right. And it has nothing to do with her paycheck." Urela scoffs.

I shrug because in all honesty I agree with her. I don't think anyone on my team actually has my best interest at heart except for maybe Elexia. I still think Elexia is pretty clueless.

"It's really not that bad. It gives me something to do instead of sitting around." I reason and Urela nods, seeming to agree with the idea.

"Unlike me you mean." She adds with a half smile, "That's okay. You can keep your practice and I'll keep my bottle." She waves the bottle in the air before taking another mouthful.

I shake my head but laugh lightly. That's one thing about Urela- she doesn't lie about who she is.

"I'll see you tonight." She says hopping down from her seat and heading toward the door. "Sing me something pretty okay?" She adds sarcastically with a beaming smile.

"I'll do my Capitol best." I retort, which elicits a sharp laugh as she walks out the door.

Pamina arrives an hour later to practice before my performance. She's in her usual dry mood and crosses the room to start the music without so much as a hello or good morning.

"Pamina, do you think I'm ready to sing any of these songs tonight?" I ask as the cords of a new song start to float through the apartment.

She turns to look at me in surprise. Normally, we keep talking to a minimum during these sessions and most of it is done on her end, telling me how awful I just sounded.

"Of course not." She says raising her eyebrows at me, "These songs will be released on an album that people will buy. You won't be singing any of them at performances until they've been recorded and released."

"Oh." I respond meekly. I do recall Brule mentioning something about recording dates. To be honest, he talks so much that I often stop listening before he ever really gets to the point. He has a very roundabout way of conveying things that drives me to complete boredom.

"Don't you worry about singing new music to keep the fans." She orders firmly, "Brule will take care of that. You just sing the songs we tell you to and keep smiling with that pretty face. The Capitol has been receiving you very well. You're already famous, dear."

This wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make. I'm just sick and tired of practicing the same music, over and over, with no end in sight. However, I don't want to be the one to contradict Pamina so I keep silent.

"Now if you're done wasting time, you can start singing." She states, starting the music over.

We work for several hours before Pamina finally bids me adieu with just enough time to eat a fruit that is shaped like a star before Elexia arrives. By now I've learned the routine and I head to the bath to soak in silky water while Elexia files away any imperfections on my nails. Despite her best efforts, I still have a tendency to pick at them when I'm nervous thus giving her work to do on them almost every time.

"Are you even trying to stop ruining your nails?" She asks sounding only slightly annoyed as she files away at my right pinky.

I smile sheepishly and shrug, "I don't realize I'm doing it until it's too late."

"You know they make pills for that if you're really so nervous." She sighs, "I could get you some. I hear they work wonders."

"Thanks, but I think I've got it under control Elexia. I'll try harder." I assure her, trying not sound ungrateful, so I decide on a subject change, "What look are we going for tonight?"

Her face lights up at this, "Oh! Oh, this is exciting! This is a special one tonight!" She squeals jumping up from her seat next to me and handing me a towel as she walks out of the room. I dry off quickly and wrap the towel around me before following her.

"I'm so excited to see you in this one! I know it's different from all the others but I figured why not try something new?" She's practically prancing around on her toes as she unzips the bag that the dress is in but when she pulls out the hanger I can understand why. This dress is lovely. It's a smooth, glossy, light pink fabric with crystals sewn on every so often to give it a twinkling quality. It's a halter with a low neckline and the skirt will only just reach to my knees. Elexia was right, it is different, but it's simply beautiful.

"I know you prefer the dresses that are less dramatic and that you can move around in easily so I tried to meet you halfway." She whispers proudly, beaming at me from behind her work.

I stare at her for a moment before breaking into a smile myself, "I think you were successful, Elexia. Thank you, it's beautiful."

Elexia works on my makeup using a foul smelling substance to adhere small crystals in patterns across my eyelids and forehead. She uses bright pinks and golds to fill in color between the crystals on my eyelids and insists on me wearing gold lipstick. She leaves my hair down but has fixed it into full curls and sprayed it with a substance that glitters in the light.

Finally, the time comes to slip into my dress. Elexia takes a few tucks but otherwise the fit is perfect and I step up to the mirror across the room. The fabric is light and catches the air, glittering with even the slightest movement. Elexia has done it again; I hardly recognize myself. I almost feel like a star from the night sky back in District 7 the way I twinkle.

"Wow." I whisper, turning around once and watching the dazzling sparkles it creates.

"You like it?" She asks hopefully, staring at me in the mirror.

"I do." I say with a smile, "You've done a wonderful job."

"Yay!" She exclaims clapping her hands and nearly jumping in the air with joy, "I figured it might be nice to be in something less complex since you won't be singing the entire night. You can party in this dress too!"

"Well, it was a brilliant idea." I praise and she seems to glow even brighter.

"You need to get going or else you'll be late!" She says hustling me out the door, "Make sure to remember all the details about the party! I'll want to hear them next time."

I wave to Elexia quickly before she shuts the door and I call the elevator up. Urela isn't around and I figure she's already left to meet her newest date. The Avox is waiting for me when I walk out and he opens the door to the car, shutting me away safely before hurrying over to his own door on the driver's side.

Pamina isn't waiting for me in back today. That ended shortly after my first two weeks in the Capitol. I figure she probably has more interesting things to attend to than to reprimand me for being a minute late. I don't mind for the most part but I have noticed that my nerves start to get the better of me on the long, silent drives. I have too much time to think about everything I'm missing back home and what they all probably think seeing me on the television. I can only hope that Maggie is keeping Ash and Holly away from the television as much as possible and hopefully they've missed all of my performances thus far. When I run out of things to worry about from back home, I start to worry about falling while I'm on stage or messing up a song. I can only imagine what horrendous drills Pamina would put me through if I pulled a stunt like that.

The drive takes quite a while tonight as Nikkia lives very close to the city center where the houses are larger and have gardens in front. By the time we arrive, my nails are looking ragged and I feel a little queasy.

Tonight is a private party so for once I don't have to deal with any cameras. An Avox opens the front door to the mansion and Brule is there almost instantly, guiding me by the shoulders up a curving staircase into a second floor ballroom. I can feel the shock spread across my face as I look at the lavishness around me. Even in the Capitol, I hadn't thought it possible for one person to have so much.

"A lovely home isn't it?" Brule asks me with a chuckle as he continues to guide me toward the stage set up on one end of the room.

"It's amazing." I answer honestly. I couldn't deny that this room, done in ornate gold and plum décor, was anything but stunning, despite the overindulgence of it.

He nods in agreement, "Nikkia is quite fond of it. Now dear, you'll be waiting back here until they're ready for you to start performing. After that, Nikkia has asked that you stay and enjoy the party for the rest of the night." He says this with a broad smile that indicates I should be excited but I'm actually dreading the socialization. I would much prefer to sing and then escape out the backdoor- to turn in early for the night at the apartment. I don't get a say in the matter however so I wait backstage after a sound check until Nikkia sends word that I'm to start.

The performance is short and to the point. There are blinding lights but no fire displays and the crowd is much smaller than those from any of the auditoriums I've performed at since arriving. They are still mesmerized by me though and many couples take to dancing wildly with one another directly in front of the stage. It's all completely ridiculous but then, what hasn't been since I arrived here.

After a wild round of cheers and applause, I'm swept back behind the stage to freshen up a bit before Brule releases me back out to the party. This is still a fairly new development; Brule doesn't guide me around to socialize as much as he used to. I guess he thinks I'm getting better at making small talk with the elites from the Capitol. I beg to differ but I don't think my opinion holds much weight.

I spot Urela across the room in a slinky black dress hanging off a man with bright red hair and angular face that could only be the product of Capitol surgeries. She's conversing with another couple however and I can't grab her attention to spare me from meeting new people. I wander along the outer edge of the room and shake hands graciously with those who introduce themselves. I assure them all that this is a lovely party and the food is just superb. I thank them if they mention my performance and then I make a quick exit before I'm stuck in some awful, shallow conversation.

Music starts up again from the stage and people begin to filter out to the dance floor again. I look around for Brule hoping that I might be allowed to leave the party now since I doubt I will be missed but I don't see him anywhere. I wander out to the wide hallway outside the ballroom and still can't find him. I'm about to turn around and make another pass through the ballroom when I hear someone call my name from the stairs. I turn to see Finnick ambling up the stairs, stunning in his suit, wearing a bright smile.

"Why is the lady of the hour out in the hallway alone when there's a raging party going on?" He teases with a twinkle in his eye.

"I was looking for Brule. You haven't seen him have you?" I ask, hoping that perhaps he had been downstairs.

"I believe he just left actually. Why were you looking for him? Not trying to duck out early are you?" He gives a smile that has been known to make women faint and I can feel my heart flutter in excitement despite my protesting mind.

"I- I just," I stutter not knowing what Pamina would deem a socially appropriate response.

"It's just that these parties aren't your idea of a good time." He finishes for me and nods knowingly. "But trust me, you don't want to leave until Nikkia tells you to leave. She's one woman you don't want to make angry."

"Right." I say with a frown. This Finnick is not at all like the Finnick they show on the television. That Finnick is a happy go lucky, sex symbol who always gets what he wants. This Finnick is a real person with feelings, concern, and a brain. To say that this revelation is disconcerting is a bit of an understatement.

"Why don't you join me for a dance?" He suggests holding out his hand me, "Nikkia is doing some business downstairs so you'd be saving us both the awkwardness of standing around alone in the ballroom."

I take his hand with a half smile and let him lead me back into the party without another word. We step between other couples onto the dance floor and he starts to guide me in an intricate dance of the Capitol's design.

"Try to look like you're enjoying yourself." He says softly with a chuckle as I look up sheepishly from my feet, "I have a reputation to uphold, after all. If one of the Capitol's favorite entertainers doesn't like me, then people will start to wonder if I'm really as amazing as they thought."

The way he says this with an edge of humor in his voice makes me laugh. What he says is true, although he doesn't seem all that concerned about his reputation. I would have expected Finnick to be self-centered but instead I find him to be much more easygoing though still undoubtedly charismatic.

"Sorry." I apologize, "I don't know any of these dances. Ours back in seven are nothing like this."

He nods, "Ours are completely different in four as well. You'll get used to them. They're all based around similar designs so once you learn one you'll pick up the others easily. You're doing fine though, just smile and people won't say a thing." He beams as he finishes saying this and I find it contagious.

We dance to several songs and Finnick is right, I can already tell my skills are improving. Just as the third song draws to a close, Finnick sees that Nikkia has returned and parts ways with me as he returns to her side.

I walk about the room for a bit and see Anesta talking with a man in the corner looking about as comfortable I as I feel. Even from a distance, I can see that she's lost weight and muscle. She still has dark circles under her eyes and what muscles she does still have are pulled taut in nervousness. She glances at me from over the man's shoulder and smiles in a way that doesn't quite reach her eyes. I wave in acknowledgement but don't interrupt her conversation, having no desire to get involved with whatever is going on between the two of them.

A tap on my shoulder turns my attention to my left.

"Rowan." I state in shock. I knew he would be here of course but I didn't expect him to approach me and I definitely didn't expect him to be sober, which he is judging by his steady stance in front of me and his clear green eyes.

"Camellia." He says back, not sounding surprised at all. "Fancy seeing you here tonight."

"You're not drunk." I spout awkwardly.

He smiles suavely, "I don't drink when I'm in the Capitol. I need to be at the top of my wits. I see your demeanor hasn't improved with all your coaching here in the Capitol."

"Well, excuse me if I didn't expect my dead fiancé's mentor to approach me at a frilly party." I say, offense clear in my voice. He gives a barely perceptible flinch at this but shrugs it off with another smile.

"Yes. How are things going for you here?" He asks, pretending to ignore my rudeness.

"Just great." I state dully, "All the fame and fortune a girl could ask for."

He looks at me for a moment and his scrutinizing gaze makes me start to squirm. He seems to be looking for something different about me but I have no idea why. Clearly my appearance is different. He doesn't need to inspect me so carefully to see that.

"You're doing well then?" He inquires, genuine concern easy to hear in his tone.

I frown, confused by his soberness and his strange interest in my wellbeing, "Well enough. I'm alive and healthy." I state honestly. I can't say I'm happy; that would only be true if I could be home with my family.

He seems to accept this response however and smiles again, concern cleanly erased from his face.

"You wouldn't deny me a dance then?" He offers a hand out with a raised eyebrow.

Still frowning, I place my hand in his and we settle into a dance similar to one I had learned earlier.

"You know, you should smile a bit." He murmurs into my ear as we circle the floor. "You're much prettier when you aren't scowling at me." He chuckles and pulls back to smile at me.

I smile tightly but at least refrain from scowling for the rest of the dance. I can't help but feel disconcerted by this sober Rowan. He's not stumbling over my feet but rather leading me around the floor like a weightless bird, floating over the air. I guess I never thought about he might be like sober.

"You look beautiful tonight by the way." He says softly. I look up at him, expecting a smirk, but find that he's actually being sincere in his comment.

I sigh, "Thank you. Elexia wanted to try something a little less flamboyant tonight." I explain.

"Well, I think it works, although she could have toned the makeup down a little. Everyone knows you don't need it." He says with a nod. Then adds, "You truly are doing alright though? Honestly?"

"Yes, Rowan," I say shortly, "Why wouldn't I be? Why are you so concerned?"

He shakes his head, "I don't know. I'm just trying to look out for you."

"Why?" I ask, my eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Because, I want to, alright? Is it a crime to make sure a neighbor is doing okay?" He demands, exasperation heavy on his words.

"We weren't neighbors. We barely even knew one another." I counter stubbornly.

"We're as good as!" He exclaims, trying to keep his voice down but I can tell he's immensely frustrated. "You don't have many contacts from District 7 hanging around here, do you?"

"No." I sigh. "You're right. Sorry. I am fine though. Honestly. I miss home all the time but," I shrug, "there's not much I can do about that."

His arm tightens around me ever so slightly before whispering in my ear, "You'll be home soon enough. You just hang in there."

I pull back slightly to look at him and I find I'm speechless. His words are vastly comforting although completely unexpected and I want to convey my gratitude but I can't find any string of words meaningful enough. He seems to understand though, giving a tight smile and small nod.

"I have to go. My date is waiting for me." He says glancing over to a woman with curly electric blue hair, "Thanks for the dance though."

"Thanks." I say feebly, it's all I can manage after this strange interaction.

"Take care, Camellia." He whispers with a squeeze of my hand before he turns, leaving me alone on the dance floor. I make my way to the outer wall and discover I'm starving so I decide to indulge in all the delicious, unidentifiable foods.

"The duck in orange sauce is the best." Urela says, reaching for the aforementioned food.

"I'll keep that in mind." I say as I take a bite of purple noodles covered in blue sauce. The sweet, refreshing flavors burst fourth as I chew slowly for a moment. "Where's your date?"

She rolls here eyes at my tone, "Talking business with the man of the hour. I saw you dancing earlier." I take another bite and don't respond to this.

"You and Rowan Carson looked intense." She adds and stares pointedly at me. I take another bite, deciding not to broach the subject.

She smiles knowingly, "You go ahead and keep quiet. I'll just come up with my own theories."

I roll my eyes, "There's nothing to talk about, Urela. We danced. He asked how I was doing. That's it."

"That's all you had to say." She says with a smirk, "Seriously, eat this." She pushes a forkful of duck and orange sauce into my face.

I take the utensil and eat it as she ordered. It is delicious; I can't deny as the duck practically melts in my mouth.

"Urela, I think it's about time to go, beautiful." Her latest escort says as he walks up and wraps an arm around her waist. He gives her a cheeky smile, which she returns half-heartedly.

"You're sure?" She asks placing a hand over his shirt, "The party's not over yet."

"I think it's starting to die down and there's no harm in leaving a bit early. I'll just let you say your goodbyes." He says, looking to me for the first time and I watch recognition cross his face.

"How rude of me." He says with a chuckle sticking out his hand, "Colton Trifourth."

I place my hand in his which he shakes lightly, "Camellia Goldenlarch."

"Well of course, we all already know you don't we." He says with a smile, "Wonderful job tonight. You've really taken the Capitol by storm young lady."

"Thank you."

"Unfortunately, we do have to head home, but I'm sure we'll meet again Camellia." He says, dragging Urela behind him as he waves goodbye before walking out of the ballroom. Urela looks less than pleased at this abrupt departure and just shrugs at me as she follows Colton.

Colton proves to be correct however and soon the party does end. After a few quick goodbyes, I make my way outside where my driver is waiting. I arrive back at the apartment and, as I expected, Urela isn't home yet. I take a long shower and collapse exhausted into bed thinking of sweet little Holly and her bedtime songs.

"And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky."

I whisper the words to myself tonight as I have every night since my arrival in the Capitol. Sometimes I get through the entire song, others I only manage a few lines. Either way it brings a certain peacefulness over the night so that I can find sleep and confidence that my siblings are safe. Tonight is no exception as the melody lulls me into a sweet slumber.

**AN: ** There you have it! Please let me know what you think by reviewing and as always you can follow me on tumblr at **thegirlofdistrict7**. Next chapter will hopefully be up next weekend but with the movie premier and exams it may be a bit late! I hope you all have a lovely week!


	19. Chapter 19- Patrons

**AN: **Here you are! Thanks for everyone who has reviewed and added this story to favorites/alerts. I appreciate the support! Also, for those asking, Camellia has been in the Capitol for about six months or so now.

**Disclaimer: This part is rated M for a reason. Please do not read if you are not comfortable with mature/adult content. If you have any questions before reading, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to answer them.**

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins therefore I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 19- Patrons**

Weeks pass in much the same way. I travel around the city singing at concert halls or private parties. Everywhere I go, it seems, people are infatuated with me. Everyone wants to shake hands with the famous singer, Camellia Goldenlarch. Urela was right; I am getting more accustom to being the center of attention although I still don't enjoy it like everyone seems to think I should. I hate being watched all the time like some animal being hunted. Even the news reports on television have taken to talking about me, Camellia, the girl who climbed the mountains out of District 7 to fame and fortune. This talk only increases when the new songs Pamina has drilled me on are finally released. The public apparently receives them well and I find that there are even more people screaming my name every night I get out of the car to walk into a performance.

Eventually Pamina comes less and less as I begin to meet her rigorous standards with fewer hours of coaching. At first I'm thankful not to have her harsh glare around, but the loneliness becomes paralyzing as I sit alone in my apartment on most days thinking about Ash and Holly and Maggie. This also gives me time to think about Linden and how I now know some of what he must have felt in his last days. It's not something I ever wanted to realize.

Occasionally, Urela has no prior engagements either and we spend the days idly walking about the city. Most days she's busy with a date or preparing for a movie premier or on the set filming. Those days when she's busy are always the longest as sleep usually won't come at night and when it does I have terrible dreams of Holly and Ash hurt back in seven while I'm stuck in the Capitol, unable to help them.

"These are always so pretty." Urela says reaching up for a blossoming branch one warm spring morning.

I smile lightly, "That's a cherry tree."

She nods still looking at the tiny pink blossoms, "They get fruit in the summer. I come here sometimes and pick them. We're not supposed to but no one has stopped me yet."

She steps away and starts walking down the path next to me again. We've walked into a small courtyard inside the city center. These lush gardens dot the entire Capitol and have the most perfect greenery I've ever seen. I figure there's no possible way that it's natural and figure it's just another set of genetic manipulations the Capitol has made.

"What's that one?" Urela asks pointing at another tree with rich, dark pink blossoms similar to those on the cherry tree.

"A crabapple tree." I reply after a moment.

She fixes her gaze on me, "How can you recognize all of them so easily?"

"That's what we learn in District 7. Most of them we have growing right there near our houses." I shrug with a laugh.

"Must be nice." She says with a sigh, "We hardly have anything green in eight. Everything is concrete and grey because of all the dirt."

I think about this for a moment and realize how horrible it would be to live in a district with no forests. Urela doesn't talk much about home- I hardly know anything about her family. But what she has told me about eight sounds miserable. Seven isn't perfect by any means but in eight there's no chance to survive off the land because it's so industrial. I don't know if I would have been able to keep my family alive after my parents died had I lived in District 8.

"My little brothers would roll on the grass in the spring once it started to turn green because they were so excited about the color."

She doesn't look at me while she says this and as usual when she talks about home, I'm not sure that she actually realizes she's saying all of it out loud. I don't say anything as she looks at the trees lining our path while we walk back towards the apartment.

"What's it like in seven? You don't have factories?" She asks after a few moments of silence and turns to look at me.

"We have a factory that processes wood on the far side of the district. And we have the lumberyards where all the felled trees are brought in from the woods. Other than that we only have the shops in the city center and all the houses. There are trees everywhere and most of the houses are deep in the woods." I say, failing to really describe the district. I just don't know the words to describe my home the way it deserves.

"Sometimes I like to pretend I could run off and escape to another district- just so I could see it, you know?" She asks, squinting at a bird flying just overhead in transit to another tree. She smiles forlornly, "It's crazy I know but it would be nice to see the world, not just District 8 and the Capitol."

I shrug, "Maybe it's not so crazy. Maybe someday Brule will have you tour the districts." I offer, trying to give her some spark of hope no matter how weak it might be.

She snorts at this in disbelief, "I'm sure Snow would really like us getting to know other districts. There's a reason they like to keep us in the dark about things, Camellia. They don't want another uprising on their hands."

I look over my shoulder once she says this but no one is around, "You shouldn't talk like that, Urela, especially not here. You'll get yourself killed."

"Maybe there are worse things, Camellia." She murmurs just above a whisper as she stares at the ground while continuing to walk.

I open my mouth to protest this idea but nothing comes out. I don't have any time to think of what I should say as she quickly changes the subject.

"Let's get going. I have to get ready for tonight." She says looking up with a dry smile.

"What's tonight?" I ask, picking up the pace as we walk back to the apartment.

"I have another date." She replies simply.

"With the same man?" I ask, already suspecting that I know her answer. She shakes her head derisively but doesn't say another word.

…

One day, early in the afternoon, I open the door to find Brule standing there, his bejeweled skin sparkling in the bright spring sunshine that is streaming in from the hallway. I haven't seen him outside of a concert in weeks so I'm surprised he's standing in my doorway right now.

"Camellia," he says cheerfully, stepping inside, "I'm so glad you're home." As if I would be anywhere else.

I smile anyway, "Did you need something? I wasn't expecting to see you today. There's no performance."

"Yes, I came to deliver this to you." He says, handing me a small rectangular sheet of paper, "It's your payment balance from the last few months. I know it's taken me ages to get this to you but there were a lot of transactions and then the taxes. You know how it is."

I glance down at the number on the paper and look back up to him with an eyebrow raised, "You said I would be earning the profit."

"Yes, yes, and you are dear." He says placing a hand on my upper arm, "But you see there are a lot of people to pay before you and this is what's left after all of that."

My eyes narrow, "You said I would be earning enough to last a lifetime doing this, Brule. I've been doing this for months now and this would hardly feed my family for a year. This, I could earn in the lumberyards."

"Well, yes, but the larger amount was contingent on you having patrons, you see." He explains with a sympathetic look.

"Patrons."

"Yes, patrons! They'll pay you for spending time with them. You know, making appearances as their escorts and such." He says waving a hand carelessly. I stare at him through narrowed eyes for a moment before it hits me. Urela, with all her late nights out on dates with different men, they're patrons. She's earning the money she was promised.

"Sooo," Brule continues with a tone of excitement, "I've found a man who wishes to take you to Urela's newest film premier. This could be your chance to start taking in patrons and making the real money."

I stare at him blankly still not quite sure I comprehend what's happening.

"He'll be here at nine to pick you up dear. I've told Elexia to come get you ready. Okay? I have to run but I'll be in touch." He says before bolting out the door. I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast in my life and he's certainly never been so succinct.

Anger starts to boil through my blood. Brule lied to me. He promised all I would have to do is sing and now I have to parade around with rich men to make the money he guaranteed me? I hurry across the hall and pound on Urela's door. I know she's always home this time in the afternoon before she starts getting ready for the evening so I wait tapping a foot.

"Yes?" She asks with a raised eyebrow when she answers. Normally she's the one that come barging into my apartment so I'm sure she finds it odd that I've come calling now.

I hold up the paper with my payment written on it, "Did they do _this_ to you too?"

She lets out a sigh and opens the door wider to let me slip past, "So they've finally broke it to you then?" She asks sarcastically. "Not as glamorous as they promised, is it?"

"I don't understand. Brule's telling me I have to date men now to make any-"

"Not date, Camellia. Please, for all that's good in the Capitol, don't call it dating. That'll only make things harder for you. You're too sweet." She says settling down on her couch, picking up a dark bottle of pungent smelling liquid. "You'll be an escort. They pay you to look good with them and to make them feel young again."

My brow furrows, "Why?"

"Because," She says taking a huge swig from her bottle, "they're terrified of becoming old and decrepit. Youth is the only thing worth anything here, Camellia."

"So I just go and hang on this man's arm for the night and then the money will just come flowing in?" I ask skeptically. It doesn't seem realistic to me.

She laughs sharply, "Something like that."

She sounds so bitter, so full of hatred, I can't help but feel bad for her. The thought comes to my mind and slips out before I have a chance to stop it, "How long have you been here, Urela?"

A surprised look crosses her face for a moment before she replies, "Let's see, I'm twenty three now. I came to the Capitol when I was just barely sixteen. What does that make it, seven years? Only three more to go then." She says with a dry smile.

I sit down in a chair next to her, "Why did you do it?"

Her face softens at this and she sets the bottle down, "Same reason you did kid. Same reason almost all of us agree to it. They promised me I could provide for my family and get out of the hell pit I was in. I was young and stupid so I said yes before I asked all the right questions."

We sit in silence for a bit and I blatantly stare at her while I think. She really is stunning, especially without all the heavy makeup. It's easy to see how a producer would wander across her in a sea of children with hollow faces and pick her out. She looks tired now though which I suppose wasn't the case then and whatever she's drinking has dulled the brightness in her eyes.

"I left my brother and sister." I whisper and she stares at me, waiting for me to continue. "Ash hates me for it. I think I'm starting to hate myself for it too. I miss them so much."

She nods, "We all left someone back home. So did you do it for the money or did you have to get away from that place after your fiancé died?" She asks bluntly.

My eyes widen in shock. She's never made any mention of Linden before. Of course she would know; I don't know why it shocks me that she's bringing him up now. She was in the Capitol during the games; probably draped on some Gamemaker's arm the whole time.

"They have a law in seven that women can't work in the lumberyards until they're twenty. There weren't any other jobs around so when they offered to let me come here, it seemed like the only way to keep my family alive." I explain.

"What about your parents?" She asks picking up the bottle and taking another swig.

"They died when I was fourteen."

"Sorry." She says and, strangely, I know she means it. I've only known her a short while but I know she doesn't say things she doesn't mean. I just nod before I stand to leave.

"I'll be at your film premier tonight." I say as I walk to the door.

She flashes her brightest smile and sarcasm drips from her words as she says, "Great! I'll see you there under all the bright lights of fame."

I close the door behind me and Elexia arrives shortly after to start prepping me.

"What look are we going for today?" I ask as brightly as I can manage.

She smiles in a pleased way, "The woods. Brule told me to make them remember where you came from."

"So brown then?"

She giggles, "No. I was thinking more like leaves." I throw her a skeptical look so she adds, "It will look great don't worry."

And she's right. I'm in a forest green dress that seems to shimmer with the slightest of movement. It's short, just above my knees, with a plunging halter neckline. I would even consider it beautiful if I weren't so concerned about my chest coming out of it.

"What if the fabric slips? People will be able to see everything." I say, voicing my concern to her as we gaze at my reflection in the mirror.

"Don't be silly, Camellia. You're walking down the carpet, not running a marathon. You'll be fine." She says swatting my hands as I begin to pick at my fingernails.

My eyes are covered in shades of deep green as and my skin sparkles. Just like Linden's- I catch myself thinking and I know it's completely true. Elexia was part of his prep team after all. I look just like a tree shinning in the sunlight after a midsummer rain shower.

"What do you think?" She asks hopefully looking at my reflection in the mirror.

"I think you really captured the forest." I say with a soft smile and she beams. "You've done a wonderful job." I assure her despite my reservations about the low neckline.

"Well, you don't make it too difficult to make you look pretty." She replies in the way of the compliment to which I smile gratefully. "It's time for you to leave. I'll clean up and lock the door after you." She says waving me out of the apartment.

I start a bit in surprise when I see Urela standing in the hall outside waiting for me. Usually she leaves earlier than this for premiers.

"Are you ready for this?" She asks me with a tired smirk.

I shrug in response because, in all honesty, up until that moment I had been trying not to think about it. Now that I know I'll be walking out to my car to meet some man who wants to pay me for my company, butterflies start beating around madly in my stomach.

"Try not to panic. Or at least try not to look like you're panicking." She says putting a hand on my shoulder as we walk into the elevator. "You'll get through it and it will be over in a few hours."

"That's not really all that reassuring." I reply bluntly.

She looks at me for a moment, her face almost sad, "I'm not trying to be."

With that we walk out of the building and are ushered into our waiting cars. The man waiting inside smiles smoothly at me, his lips puffy from surgery it's clear he's had done. He looks younger than he actually is, I can tell because his skin lacks a single wrinkle. No human being in the world has skin that smooth except here in the Capitol where they dole out obscene amounts of money to look that way. He wears a shirt made of the same fabric as my dress and it makes his skin look pale.

"Good evening, Camellia." He says planting a kiss on my cheek.

I contain my shudder of disgust and smile instead. "Good evening." I reply quietly.

"I'm Milo Hook." He beams, "Please, get comfortable. Would you like something to drink?"

I nod, remembering my best manners from all my training. He smiles, pleased, and hands me a glass with a bright pink liquid in it. I don't ask what it is as I down a big gulp. It's beautiful and has a sharp bite as it goes down but almost immediately I feel more at ease.

We sip in silence for a while until Milo breaks in. "So this is your first time escorting a patron?" He asks with a knowing smile.

I laugh nervously, "Yes. Is it that obvious?"

"Only slightly. Don't worry," He assures me handing me another glass, "you'll do just fine. I've seen you in your concerts. Just smile and wave like you always do and we'll make it across the carpet just fine."

"I can't promise I won't trip." I joke, feeling more relaxed now that I've had a few glasses of the pink liquid.

My attempt at humor seems to please him and he gives a hearty laugh, "I'll be holding onto you all night so don't you worry about that."

"Are you an actor then, Mr. Hook?" I inquire as we continue sipping on drinks.

"Goodness, no. I'm in politics." He laughs sharply, apparently finding the idea amusing, "I just enjoy going out to support some of our brightest stars every so often. You know Urela don't you?"

I nod, "Yes, she's my neighbor. She helped me get settled when I first moved to the Capitol."

"She's quite a lovely actress." He says with a nod. "This film has shown a lot of promise."

Somehow we manage to keep a conversation going until we arrive at the theater. The driver opens the door to reveal the bright lights and rumble of a crowd. Milo steps out first before reaching a hand back for me. I take it and let him guide me out of the car before we pause, smiling for the cameras. I loop my arm in the crook of his proffered elbow just as I did the night of the Victory Tour with Rowan.

The carpet here is much longer than any of the ones I've walked before and Milo stops to talk with cameras every so often. I stand at his side smiling while he talks. The cameras ask me a few questions but Milo's presence seems to command more attention than my own tonight. I spot Urela in a sea of cameras farther down the carpet and she gives me a wry smile before turning her attention back to them. She looks absolutely perfect in the bright lights as she smiles and laughs with the interviewers as though they are old friends.

When we make it inside, an Avox guides us to our seats. Milo holds onto my hand as he sits and talks to other businessmen seated around us. He seems to know just about everyone here. The film is okay I suppose; I've never been one to watch television or films. Most of the content is shallow but Urela is beautiful in it and she plays the part well.

"Come." Milo murmurs to me as the credits run, tugging gently on my hand as he stands, "We'll go and meet with the actors quickly before we leave."

Quickly, of course, turns into an hour of standing with a perfect smile next to Milo but it's not all that unbearable. People occasionally talk to me, recognizing me from my concerts, but mostly they ignore me, which I much prefer. We end the night by briefly congratulating Urela before sweeping out the doors to our car.

Milo hands me a drink without asking this time and I take it without protest. I welcome the warm relaxed feeling it elicits and listen as Milo chats to me about the blunders some people apparently made tonight. He's going on about someone's neon orange hair when I look out the window of the car realize that we're not heading back to my apartment the way we came.

"Where are we going?" I interrupt.

He smiles lightly, "I thought we would go to my apartment for a little while to end the night."

I don't want to go anywhere else tonight. I'm tired and want nothing more than to curl up in my bed wearing my softest pajamas but I keep silent about it and nod. I would never hear the end of it if Pamina found out I told a patron I wanted to go home instead of spending extra time with him. And he is, after all, the only way I'm going to support my family while I'm here. What is a couple more hours of talking when I take that into consideration?

I had thought I was living in the lap of luxury until I walked into Milo Hook's apartment. It is massive and the most modern looking place I've ever seen in person. While Nikkia's home had been an expansive mansion with luxurious decoration everywhere. Milo's apartment is wide, open and airy to give it a feeling of being a much larger estate. He chuckles as he shuts the door behind us and sees that I'm staring open mouthed at the ceilings which seem to rise up forever. Looking out the glass windows that cover an entire wall, I can see the entire city spread out below us, glowing in garish neon colors.

"It's nice, isn't it?" He asks as he wraps an arm around me from behind unexpectedly. "I spent a pretty chunk of money to get it as well." I stand frozen as his other hand wraps up toward the bottom of my breast. "But when there's something I really want, there's no money that will stop me from getting it." He whispers in my ear.

I want to scream and I can feel one rise up in my throat but it gets stuck there and instead I stand completely still, like a deer caught off guard, hoping that if I'm still enough this will stop.

It doesn't stop though as he trails his loathsome puffy lips down my shoulder. His hand slips under the neckline of my dress, touching and pulling at my skin in ways that make me want to puke. He takes his hand from my waist and unzips my dress before untying the halter straps. The fabric slips smoothly over me and I'm standing only in my undergarments. His hand travels back around me as he starts to tug at the hem of my underwear; only then do I slowly start to unfreeze.

I push his hand away weakly, "Don't." It comes out as barely a trembling whisper.

He raises his head and turns me to face him. I cross my arms over my body to cover myself and he laughs, "What did you think, Camellia? You could just smile pretty next to me all night and that would earn you the money?" He laughs again, cold and heartless so different from earlier this evening.

I take a step back but my shoe catches on my discarded dress and I stumble. He catches my arms and throws me over his shoulder before I have a chance to fight back.

"No!" I shout, fighting against his grasp. When did his hands turn to iron? My mind feels fuzzy and I know something is wrong. Those drinks did something to my mind as they relaxed my body. I can't think fast enough and I can't punch his back hard enough.

He tosses me carelessly on the bed and straddles me in a flash. I try to sit up and push him off of me but he takes both of my wrists in his hand and pins them over my head. Why am I so weak? Why is this happening? Why can't I think straight? The questions race through my mind as he lowers his head to my breast, sucking and biting and all I want to do is scream but I can't again. My tongue is too heavy and my lips too dry as I twist my body under him, trying to release myself from his grip.

"You're beautiful." He leers up at me as he uses his free hand to undo his shirt and tie.

"Please," I whimper, "Don't."

I don't see his hand until I feel it. Smack. Pain. Swirling lights. Where am I? Why do I hurt?

"Don't talk unless I tell you too, Camellia." He says releasing my hands but I'm too confused to move them and my cheek, oh my cheek, I can feel my pulse burning in it. When I open my eyes, he's naked and he's pulling off my underclothes.

Panic rises up in me and I try to sit and scoot away from him on the bed but he just grins wolfishly as he crawls towards me faster than I can move away. He pins me down with his hands and forces my legs open with his own.

He plants a row of kisses down my neck and I try to twist away from them. "You are so beautiful." He moans.

"Milo." I whisper pleadingly, "Don't do this."

He grabs my chin with one of his hands and stares at me with steel eyes so different from those I had seen earlier this evening. He's a completely different person, transformed into the monster he truly is.

"What did I tell you?" He asks in a deadly tone. "I don't want to hurt you, Camellia. Don't make me."

But he is hurting me. He forces himself into me so fast the pain is blinding and a scream finally escapes my lips. Too late. He doesn't stop as he pumps forcefully; there's so much pain as I try to hold my hands on his chest and push him away but I can't. My body goes limp, as all I can think to do is wait and hope that it ends soon. Horror. It's an abstract thing but that's all that's rushing through my mind as he moves over me- in me.

It feels like an eternity has passed before I hear him give a loud moan as he goes limp. His body drapes over mine for a moment as he pants to catch his breath. I realize hot tears are streaming down my face as I concentrate on remaining still in hopes that I might just disappear if I do.

But I don't. After what feels like an eternity of waiting, he rolls off of me with a grin.

He lets out a contented sigh, "That was great dear. Well worth the money."

My mind can't process what he's saying so I remain still, breathing in, out, in, out.

He taps my stomach lightly, "You're driver's waiting for you outside. You'd better get going."

Somehow, something in my brain clicks at the word 'going.' My body moves of it's own accord, grabbing clothing as I silently leave the room. I put everything back on once I'm in the living room and carry my shoes out with me.

My driver is there, like always, holding the door open for me. I don't make it to the car right away however. I swerve towards the rose bushes planted in front of the apartment and vomit. I stand there, trembling, for quite some time before I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump at the touch, stumbling away from its grasp only to see my Avox driver looking at me with a sympathetic gaze.

He doesn't try to touch me again but motions me forward and into the car before we ride home silent as ever. I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the cushion trying to force the nightmare of what just happen out of my mind but all I can see is his vicious face flashing over me.

I make my way to my apartment slowly, not really even conscious of my body. At the last minute, I turn to Urela's door and knock. She's there tonight for once; apparently not having spent the night with her Patron. She cracks the door at first and stares at me with a knowing expression before she swings the door open wide, holding her arms out as I collapse into her in tears.

She holds me up for a few minutes while my body is racked with sobs before she guides me by the shoulders over to her couch, "Here," she hands me a dark bottle that she just opened. I take a swig of it and feel the same relaxing feeling as I did from the pink drink earlier. My stomach clenches at the feeling and I come up heaving and coughing so she takes the bottle from me.

She gives a barking, hard laugh, "He used that on you?" She asks in disgust, shaking her head as she goes into a cabinet and pulls a small glass bottle out. She comes back with a syringe and stabs the bottle drawing the liquid up slowly, muttering to herself, "He's strong enough to do it without trying to drug you first."

"This will help." She says grabbing my arm and probing around at the elbow before taking aim with the needle.

My mind suddenly registers that this is strange and I try to pull my arm away from her and the needle, "What are you doing?" I ask between sobs with an edge of panic in my voice.

"Don't worry. It's only going to hurt for half a second and it will make you forget." She assures me before she grabs my arm again and jabs it with the needle. As she pushes the fluid into my vein, I feel a cool sensation rush through my arm. And she's right, it does make me forget, or at least it makes me forget that I care.

**AN:** There you have it. Next part ideally will be out next week but I have an honors ceremony and my family is coming into town for the weekend so I might have trouble getting it posted on time. Look to tumblr for updates!


	20. Chapter 20- Harsh Realities

**AN: **Hello everyone! I can't believe I'm managing to get this part out this weekend but I felt bad leaving you hanging for longer than absolutely necessary. Thank you to everyone who added this story to alert/favorites and to those of you who reviewed. Last chapter was a tough one to write and you all give me inspiration to keep at it!

**Warning: This chapter is rated M for sexual themes. Don't read if you aren't comfortable. Feel free to PM me with any questions.**

_Disclaimer: As always, I do not own The Hunger Games, that lot in life belongs only to Suzanne Collins._

**Part 20- Harsh Reality**

Sun is streaming into my apartment the next morning when I wake up and I immediately slam my eyes shut again. My head is pulsing, whether from the drinking or crying I don't know. I can feel the dried tears still stiff on my face and I wonder if I cried in my sleep all night. I turn over in bed and groan at the aching pain that seems to radiate through my entire body.

A few moments later, Urela walks in with a glass of water in one hand, "You're up." She states evenly and sits on the edge of my bed without another word.

I turn over slowly to face her and crack open my eyes. She looks down at me and brushes a stray piece of hair from my face. She doesn't say anything so I voice the only question that's running through my mind.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask hoarsely.

"Would it have made it easier?" She asks as she hands me the glass of water and a pill that I recognize from my bathroom cabinet. It gets rid of headaches like the one pulsing ruthlessly through me right now.

I take the pill and gulp down the water greedily as I think about her question, "No." I respond after a moment. "No, it wouldn't have."

She shrugs, "Then what would have been the point."

I look away and focus on the tiny dust particles dancing in the sunlight.

We sit like that for a while, each in our own thoughts until Urela speaks again, "It's not pretty by any means. But it's what we have to do."

"How often?" I ask miserably.

She shrugs, "However often one of them calls on you."

I think about this for a moment before softly asking, "And what if I won't? What if I say no?" I look away from the dust to her face and see the sadness in it.

"It depends on how much they want to keep you. They might just send you home and take all their money back or..." She trails off into her own thoughts.

"Or?" I prompt her.

"Or, they might go after your family; the people who are your reasons for being here." She says so bitterly that I know they must have done this to her, or at least threatened to.

My eyes fill with tears and I look up at the white ceiling. So it's a hopeless cause. I can't risk getting out of the situation knowing that they might hurt Ash or Holly. I would never be able to live with myself if I were the reason they were hurt or killed.

"So we're stuck." I whisper so quietly I'm not sure she could hear me over the sound of the Capitol traffic outside my window.

"We're stuck." She repeats just as softly.

We sit there in a trance for a long time before Urela seems to remember that time is still moving on around us though I'm still not convinced it is.

"Come on." She says gently shaking my shoulder, "We need to get you cleaned up before Elexia gets here to prep you for tonight."

Right. Tonight. I have another concert. How am I supposed to sing when I can barely even bring myself to get out of bed?

When I ask Urela this she replies, "You just have to make it work. There's no choice."

She draws up a warm bath and I soak my sore body for a long time before I start to scrub. She sits with me; probably afraid I might lose it and try to off myself though I'm not sure why she'd really care either way. She sits reading a magazine and doesn't say a word until I've spent five minutes scrubbing the same spot on my leg.

When she does break the silence, she doesn't look up from her reading, "It doesn't matter how hard you scrub it's not going to erase your memory or undo last night."

I look up at her. It's so uncanny how she can read my mind.

"I know." I grumble, moving on to another area. Maybe I won't have to soak in the silky water today when Elexia comes if I'm clean enough. A sudden thought hits me, "Did Elexia know what would happen?"

"Is that the stylist?" She asks peering at me over the page she's reading. I nod. "No. Not really, anyway. She only knows the part that's on the television screen. She knows that we, the entertainers from the districts, are often escorts of the well to do. But she doesn't know what they do to us; that they buy us and we don't have a choice."

"Oh." I say and continue scrubbing until another question comes to mind. "That stuff you gave me last night, what was it?"

"The stuff in the bottle was rum. I'm guessing, by the way you reacted to it, he had you drunk by the time he brought you to his apartment?" She looks at me and I nod to confirm. She scoffs at this in disgust before adding, "The other stuff was morphling."

"Where did you get it?" I ask, wide eyed. I've heard of morphling before of course. I know that some Victors are addicted to it but I also know it's expensive and illegal when used without a doctor's permission. Only the richest people in seven can afford it in emergencies.

She gives a wry smile, "You'll find that patrons will do a lot to keep their escorts happy. All you really have to do is give them what they want and then ask."

"Does it get easier, Urela?" I ask and I can't quite keep the pleading tone out of my voice.

She gives a long sigh, "Well, you get better at it- giving them what they want. I can help you with that."

"That's not an answer." I reply.

"I know." She says and shrugs, "You get better at forgetting it."

It's still not a real answer but I let the topic drop since I think I get the idea. I get out of the tub and towel off before changing into soft pants and a long sleeved shirt. I notice there are bruises on my wrists and swallow the bile that starts rising in my throat. Then I remember my face; he hit me last night. I look at myself in the mirror for the first time and gasp.

Urela comes to stand behind me, "Don't worry. They can work wonders with makeup. Elexia will be able to cover it up."

There's an angry purple bruise right along my cheekbone. Luckily, he didn't hit close enough to give me a black eye.

"What will I tell her?" I ask running a hand over the area.

Urela shrugs, "You could tell her you had too much fun last night. Or, if you're not ready for crass jokes, you can tell her you fell getting out of bed this morning and hit it on the bedside table."

We walk into the living room and I see she's set out one of the yellow drinks for me to take.

"I have to go; my stylist will be here soon. You should eat something. Really. You should try." She says as I drop eye contact. I nod. "You'll be okay, Camellia. The first night is always the worst. Trust me."

And the strange thing is, I do. This girl who I hardly know anything about has earned more trust from me than I would like to admit. But I'm not sure how I'll ever be okay after this; not when I can't get away from here. I feel hopeless when I think that Urela has already been going through this for seven years. I don't know how she's survived it but I guess I'll find out for myself since I'll have to follow in her footsteps.

I do eat a little before Elexia arrives and when she does she's just bursting with energy. Wasn't it lovely that Milo Hook was the one I got to escort? Isn't he just a doll? Didn't he look dashing in that forest green shirt? Doesn't his smile just blow me away? She doesn't know any better. She doesn't know the real Milo Hook. She doesn't get it.

I want to shout that he's a disgusting pig and the thought of him makes me want to retch. But I don't. I just nod and smile in the appropriate places as she chatters on. Of course she asks what happened to my face and I tell her I hit the table next to my bed this morning when I stumbled out of it. She giggles telling me I should ease up on the drinking, or at least take a pill that will prevent the morning-after side effects.

She sends me off to the concert where Brule receives me and doesn't ask how my night went. I suppose he already knows. He drags me to the meet and greet where I meet more men. More prospective patrons, I can't help but think. I'm exhausted by the time I slide into my car but somehow, just like Urela said, I made it happen. I'd pulled it off and convinced everyone that I'm okay. Now I just need to do it all over again tomorrow. This thought overwhelms me so completely that I'm knocking on Urela's door as soon as I arrive back at the apartments.

Her brow furrows at the sight of me, "What is it?"

"I need to forget again." I say softly and she lets me in with an empathetic look.

"You shouldn't mess with this stuff." She says although she reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a vial and syringe. "It'll ruin your mind."

I don't argue with her because I know she's right. I've seen the morphling addicted Victors on television during the Reapings. There's no denying that the stuff is bad for you but at this moment I don't care. And for all her preaching, she doesn't withhold the morphling. I watch as she finds the light blue vein in my arm and carefully punctures my skin with the needle. She doesn't give me as much tonight, I can tell because the cool rush doesn't extend as far in my arm.

"That will get you to sleep." She says and already her voice is turning foggy as I head back to my apartment.

All the thoughts I've been holding back float slowly to the surface of my mind. I see every horrible moment of last night but it doesn't hurt. I don't care. It's just another memory that elicits no feeling from me whatsoever. I can definitely see why some Victors are dependent on this stuff. It doesn't make the horrible things go away because nothing really can but it dulls everything down to numbness.

…

The next night I have another man to escort, this time a businessman. He doesn't want to talk about work and I don't really have any interest in learning about him so we get along just fine. He takes me back to his apartment just like Milo but this time I let him do what he pleases with me. I find it's easier knowing what's coming. I still feel ill at the thought, but at least I'm not frozen helpless in shock when the time comes. It doesn't hurt this time and he's gentler with me than Milo, although it's not really hard to be. I still feel disgusting as he grunts and forces himself into me but at least there's no pain. He has three rounds before I'm released and return home to my morphling dreams.

There are others too. Some, like Milo, are cruel and I hate those nights because I know there will be pain involved. Some are disgusting. Others are just lonely. The lonely ones, I find, are best since usually they at least try to take my comfort into consideration.

I learn quickly; although it's all information I never wished to know. Urela gives me tips on how to best please them. Some she's had as patrons of her own. Others she can merely guess what they'll like based on what she's heard. She also teaches me what Capitol pills I need to take when. There are several that she supplies me with. One to keep me from getting pregnant, several others to prevent infections; they've truly thought of everything here in the Capitol. They wouldn't want any pesky problems resulting from their bad habits.

I learn who likes to be touched where and when. I learn who likes it when I talk or make noise and who likes to tie me down and silence me. I learn who likes me to be the aggressor and who wants a submissive little girl. It's not hard to learn what each man likes but it's harder to make myself do it convincingly. During this time, I also learn to hate myself as I look in the mirror and see nothing but glorified Capitol whore doing exactly as she's told.

The last thing I learn is how to ask for what I want. At first I only ask the lonely ones for morphling. The drug has become my only solace; the only way I can sleep at night. But soon enough they all start to carry the small vials with them to give me in the car as I straddle their laps whispering what they want to hear and touching what they want touched.

On one such night, weeks after my first night with Milo, I sit astride Collum Cavet, one of the lonely ones. "So where are we going tonight?" I purr as I nip at his ear. His hands tense around my waist before they move up to brush right below my breasts. I still shiver in disgust anytime any of them do this but he smiles, thinking I do it out of pleasure.

"A party for a friend who's retiring." He answers just as I cover his lips with mine. He's a businessman of some sort, controlling the flow of goods into the Capitol I think. He's nearly fifty and has two kids about my age. His wife died a few years back after a freak accident. At least that's what he tells me. What I hear is that she jumped from the roof of their apartment building. Either way, he's a gentle man and shy compared to most of my patrons. I would almost feel bad for the man, maybe even like him, if he weren't paying me to do this with him.

I start to pull at his tie as I nip his bottom lip but he stops my hands and pulls back from me slightly, "Save that for later. We're nearly there and we need to look presentable dear." I pout in a way that makes me look like a child, which I know he loves, and slide off of him making sure to brush the bulge in his pants, which causes him to gasp. "Little imp." He mumbles reaching for my hand and kissing my fingers before he slides out of the car.

There are plenty of cameras around as usual and they start clicking away when they see I'm here. Collum stands with me smiling patiently before we walk into a beautiful ballroom, all shades of blue and luxuriously decorated.

"Shall I get us something to drink?" He asks looking down at me. I smile and nod before he walks off and I'm left for a moment to my own devices. I take the time to slip into the bathroom and administer a dose of morphling. It's getting harder and harder to keep the memories dulled these days as they continue to pile up. The dose is just enough to give a cool rush through my arm but not enough to render me incapable of performing duties; save that for tonight at the apartment when I need to sleep.

Collum is just walking back from the bar with a glass of orange liquid in each hand. I take a sip of the sweet drink that stings after I swallow. There are hundreds of people here as I look around the room. All as gaudy as ever, dressed in their Capitol best. Collum, of course, fits right in with his gold colored skin and orange tattoos in geometric shapes. Elexia always tries to match me with the man I'm out with for the night. Tonight she's put me in a dress of slippery gold fabric that hugs every curve of my body before it floats gracefully to the floor. The front has a v-neckline that she's settled a single pearl on a gold chain above but as the straps rise up over my shoulders, they give way to a plunging V down my back. Collum loves this since one of his favorite parts of my anatomy is the dip on either side of my lower back.

He places a hand right near this area to guide me over to a partner he wants to speak with. The man knows me, not just from my singing, but because Collum has brought me around to parties like this before. We exchange pleasantries and I am left to stand smiling next to Collum for the rest of the conversation. I don't mind since it allows me time to just enjoy the haziness of the morphling coursing through my system.

"Camellia?" I hear a familiar voice call behind me. I turn, smile still plastered on my face, to see Rowan Carson standing in front of me. He looks just the same as the night of Nikkia's party and I can't help but allow a look of shock to momentarily cross my face.

"Rowan." I say taking a few steps towards him after momentarily excusing myself from Collum's in-depth conversation about diamond imports. "What are you doing here? I thought you never left seven except for the Games?"

I watch as he scrutinizes my body before he answers, "I usually don't. This whole party is for the Head Gamemaker who's retiring. The Capitol called so, of course, I came running." He explains and continues to stare at my face through narrowed eyes before asking, "How are you doing?"

I flash him my most brilliant smile, "Really great."

He gives a sharp laugh, "Yeah, I see that on the television. Great music, you're singing these days."

I know he's making a jab at me but the morphling prevents me from caring. The music has only gotten worse as my time here has increased. Pamina introduced backup dancers to my routines, all from the districts of course, and now I'm constantly grinding up on some sixteen-year-old boy from District 5 who bears a remarkable resemblance to Linden. The boy is nice enough. He feels terrible that they're forcing him to dance with me. He's not stupid and he knows what they're doing but he tries to make it easier for me. We don't talk most of the time and get through concerts in as business-like a manner as possible.

"Yes, the Capitol is receiving it very well." I reply never letting my smile falter.

He looks down at the ground between us as he speaks the next words, "Ash and Holly are doing well. They stop by every so often."

I swear we must be in an arena and he's just driven a sword straight into my gut to win the Games. Even the morphling can't dull this pain. I choke on my words as they leave my mouth, "They- they stop by to see you?"

He gives a wry smile as his eyes meet mine, "Holly wants to call you. She knows I have a phone. She's a smart one that little girl."

"Oh." I whisper looking away from him.

"I could let them. Use my phone. If you wanted." He says. I can hear the hesitating question in his voice and see it in his face. Have I let the Capitol change me? Have forgotten them in my traipsing around?

"No." I answer his unspoken questions. "They would never leave you alone then."

His face darkens at my response and I can feel the air between us cool. He takes another step so that his mouth is close to my ear, "I don't know what you're on but don't forget why you're really here, Camellia. Don't forget that you're fighting for them." With that he's walking away before I even have the chance to respond from my morphling haze.

A hand brushes down my back as Collum steps up behind me and whispers into my ear, "What was that about?"

I smile and bend my head so he can reach my neck better as he plants kisses across my shoulder and collarbone, "Just Rowan Carson. We were joking about times in the districts."

"Oh. Right." He says giving each word a kiss on my neck after he speaks it, "He's from District 7 as well. Did you two know each other well?"

"Not really. He was two years older than me in school." I say turning around to face him and feeling uncomfortable talking about home, "I know you much, much better." I say giving him a wicked grin before pulling him towards me by his tie. He complies easily and we quickly fall into a heated kiss until the man of the hour steps onstage to make a speech that we decide to pay attention to.

The music starts and Collum pulls me out to the dance floor. I don't stop him as his hand drifts down my bare back pulling my body closer than it should be to his. We twirl around the floor for ages before he steps away from me, breathless. He's spotted a woman whom he does a lot of business with so we go speak with her. They are getting into an intense debate when Finnick walks up carrying a tall blue drink for her. He gives me a wink before leaning to whisper in her ear.

She smiles, "Why don't you two go dance for a moment while Mr. Cavet and I discuss our business in private?" I realize this is more of an order than a suggestion so I take the hand Finnick offers and follow him back to the dance floor.

"Thought you might enjoy a break from the dull talk of business." He purrs in my ear.

I smile lightly, "It's not so bad. Mr. Cavet is very good at what he does."

He gives a barking laugh, "I bet he is. I hear he's generous as well." The way he says it though implies he means more than he's saying. I meet his eyes with my own and see it. Finnick knows what's happened. Then something clicks in my hazed mind. Of course Finnick would know; all the nights out with a parade of Capitol women. He's just the same as me except he has earned the title of Victor, making him that much more desirable.

"He's a kind man." I respond softly and Finnick smiles sadly.

"That's better than most then. I saw your newest song, on the television." He murmurs.

"They've finally released it then?" I question. I never keep track of the press releases. It drives Brule crazy but I just can't find it in me to care enough to keep track.

"Mhmm." He nods, "Very... provocative."

I smile wryly, "Well, I have to keep the admirers happy."

He gives a knowing nod and we don't make attempt any more conversation. We both understand one another. Finnick doesn't make any attempt to pull my body closer to his and his hand never drifts from the appropriate place on my waist. Considering his image from the media, I can't help but appreciate how sweet he actually seems to be. Collum eventually finds us and cuts in as Finnick says his goodbyes. We don't stay much later after that; it's clear Collum has other things on his mind.

I straddle his lap immediately as I enter the car and his hands slide down the length of my arms, brushing down my legs to find the hem of my dress and bunch it up by my waist. I tug his tie loose and unbutton his shirt before pushing my hands under the fabric.

His muscles are hard and I know this too is from Capitol surgeries that he had done about four years ago. I rake my nails down his chest and he lets out a guttural moan that I silence with my lips. I nip at his bottom lip and allow my tongue to explore his mouth again.

He comes up for air and I trail kisses across his jaw as he pants heavily. I can feel a bulge growing against my thigh and grind against it. He moans again, "You're so beautiful." I look at him and smile dryly as I let my hands trail down to undo the zipper on his pants. They all tell me this- that I'm beautiful. But it's times like this that I feel the most ugly. He lets out a groan as I unzip his pants and reach inside. I have plenty of time to please him before we arrive at his apartment.

Several hours later, I lay draped across Collum's chest as he gasps for air after our last round. I leave a trail of kisses across his chest as I rise off of him and lay next to him on my side.

"I'd say it was a fine time tonight." He says with a chuckle, brushing my hair over my shoulder before kissing it lightly. I smile tiredly before sitting up and searching for my dress. I let him run his hand down my back before I stand and retrieve my clothing strewn about the room. "When are you free next week?" He inquires as I retreat to the bathroom to wash-up a bit.

"Thursday," I call out over the water. "I have concerts Monday and Friday if you're looking for entertainment as well."

"Hmm." He says from the doorway watching my body with hungry eyes as I pull on my undergarments. "I could probably make it on Friday; if you would spare a few hours after of course." He says with a smirk.

I slip into my dress and walk over to him, "Of course," I say giving him a peck on his cheek as I pass by him into the bedroom. "That's a given."

I grab my purse as he hands me two small vials discretely, "Sleep well, my beautiful Camellia." He murmurs before one last deep kiss as I walk out the door.

As soon as I'm safely shut away in my car, I pull out one of the vials and empty it with a syringe before promptly injecting it into my arm. I close my eyes and rest my head back against the seat, enjoying the rush of numbness that overcomes me.

The next morning I wake up to Urela's face hanging above mine in the late morning light.

"Shit!" I yell sitting up and nearly hitting her head with my own. "Damn it Urela, what are you doing?" I demand as she backs off with a satisfied laugh.

She perches on the corner of my bed and smiles one of her few genuine smiles, "Happy birthday."

I frown for moment thinking. It's not my birthday. My birthday was several months ago in March. I think about when I arrived in the Capitol in November. It seemed like time was moving so slowly, painfully those first two months. Then, after I started using the morphling, it felt like I'd only lived half the following days. Somehow I had missed my birthday and not even realized it.

"Thanks." I say with a tone of surprise. "But it's not my birthday."

"I know. I saw Rowan Carson in passing last night and he mentioned that your siblings had wanted to call to send birthday wishes to you. So this morning I had Brule look it up. The Capitol has all the data on you it could ever want so getting your birthday wasn't that hard." She grabs my hand, "Come on. We have to celebrate now since it's already so late and you'll be busy tonight."

Indeed I will. I'll be escorting another patron to the grand opening of a new club downtown. I don't expect I'll be home until tomorrow morning once I leave.

We walk into the living room and sitting on the breakfast counter is a tiny cake, just enough for two people, iced in delicate light pink flowers. Not just any flowers though I realize, camellias. I can't help but smile as I step closer.

"The guy who made it is supposed to be the best in the Capitol. That's what everyone says anyway. He was thrilled when I told him who it was for." Urela says softly as she stares down at it.

"Thank you. It's perfect." I say with a genuine smile. It must be contagious because she smiles back.

"We'll it's not everyday your best friend turns nineteen. Or at least, turned nineteen a few months ago." She jokes, elbowing me in the rib.

Best friends. Yes, I suppose that's what we are though we've never really termed it that before. It's just us two girls trying to shut the nightmares and bright lights of the Capitol from our minds.

We sit and each eat half of the cake. For once the people of the Capitol must have gotten it right because I've never tasted anything more wonderful in my life. We sit and chat for a while over wine until Urela realizes the afternoon has arrived and she needs to meet her stylist to prep for a film release.

Elexia won't be arriving for another few hours so I sit with the television on in the living room not really paying attention to the screen at all. The memories from one year ago start to surface far to quickly and vividly. The smile on Holly's face as I received the wind chime she'd helped make, the way Ash rubbed his belly after eating his fill for the first time in weeks, and Linden's smile when I said I would marry him; it's all too much to think about.

I shoot up an extra large dose of morphling wanting the ghosts to go away immediately. They don't go away of course but the numbness permeates my body after only a few minutes and I lay on the couch in a stupor as the announcer talks about the newest fashion trend, whiskers.

**AN:** There you have it! I hope you enjoyed it. I plan to get another chapter out next weekend but with the Easter holiday and my senior comprehensive it may be a bit delayed. I thank you all for your patience. As always you can follow me on tumblr at _thegirlofdistrict7_ and I would love to hear your input if you would like to review!


	21. Chapter 21- Neon Lights

**AN:** Here we are- part 21. Thank you all again for your continued support, PMs, and reviews. I truly do appreciate it!

**Warning: Rated M for sexual references and drug use. If you have any questions at all before reading, feel free to PM me and I will do my best to answer them for you!**

_Disclaimer: _I am not Suzanne Collins and therefore I do not own The Hunger Games.

**Part 21- Neon Lights**

"Camellia! What are your plans tonight after the concert?" A voice calls across the stage. I look up and see him standing there, tall and tanned with thick black hair sticking up haphazardly. It still shocks me every time I look at him; he resembles Linden so much. But then I look again and see the differences- the short pointy nose, the prominent chin, the deep brown eyes.

"I don't know, Vance. Haven't had much of a chance to talk to Brule. I'm sure he has something planned." I say with a shrug to the younger boy from District 5 that they've got dancing backup for me.

"Well, if you don't have anything you should come out with us. We're planning on hitting up a club." He says stepping up next to me as I walk offstage. We just had a practice for a new concert set that we'll be doing tonight. I'm sweaty and tired and can't imagine mustering up the energy to go out dancing tonight. All that I really want to do if I have the night off is shoot up with morphling and lounge around my apartment.

Vance is still looking at me with expectant hope though. They still haven't broken the news to him. He still loves all the luxury of the Capitol and is trying to enjoy himself here. He has also been trying to develop a greater friendship with me. I think he still feels guilty that they're using him to replace Linden but the Capitol loves it so we keep silent about it.

"Maybe." I say noncommittally, "I'll let you know if I'm free or not."

"Okay." He says with a pleased smile. He's still such a boy in so many ways, so innocent. "Just don't go cancelling on me if you get a call from one of your hot dates." He jokes.

I flash a half smile despite the feeling of being punched in my gut. He doesn't understand yet but I know it's just a matter of time. He'll be disillusioned soon enough and there's nothing I can do to prepare him or protect him.

"Right." I reply with a nod before heading into my makeshift dressing room to shoot up a bit of morphling before Elexia gets here.

I only feel the smallest sense of guilt, of disappointment as I inject the clear liquid into my arm. It used to be that I had a tough skin that could deal with words without a second though. I used to be stronger than this. I'm not that girl anymore though. That became evident in the months following my first night with Milo. I only used the morphling to sleep at first, then just to dull the memories that I didn't want to remember while I was awake. Now I use it to dull the pain that a well-intentioned, harmless joke causes me. I'm a failure and I recognize that but there's not enough left in me to care, to fight.

Brule is still happy more or less; jovial most of the time even. I'm bringing in ridiculous amounts of money these days. My music is as popular as ever and if people notice my morphling use, they're turning a blind eye. Capitol citizens clamor to meet me, to go to my concerts, to receive a glance from me.

Behind all of this, the patrons are as prominent as ever as well. There's not a week that goes by that I don't get a call from at least one man desiring my company. Urela was right though I hardly feel anything anymore. I get the job done and then do my best to forget about it, which usually involves a nice vial of morphling before bedtime.

Of course this all means that I'm finally able to send home enormous amounts of money to my family. Brule brings by a statement every couple of months with the amount written on it and each time the number gets larger. I never see most of the money of course, they don't do that here in the Capitol. Almost all money here is electronic, kept track of by devices made in District 3 that can receive and transmit data from bank to store in only seconds. Brule assures me that the money is being wired back to seven to be stored at the only bank in the district. There, my family can receive actual coins to be used in trade since District 7 has never seen an electronic box that can count invisible money on a numbered card.

The summer has finally arrived in the Capitol and with it comes the preparations for this year's Hunger Games. I always knew that the Capitol celebrated the Games in the most lavish of manners but I never could have comprehended how life begins to revolve around the Games as they grow nearer. Brule decided that I would release the new concert set tonight so that it could earn its acclaim before the Games, which are scheduled to start next week. Everything except for the Games and their celebrations will be put on pause for the next few weeks.

As it turns out, I do have to cancel on Vance and his plans. I receive a call later that afternoon asking for my presence at a patron's house after my concert. By the time I am released from my duties, it is already well into the early morning hours and I collapse into bed greeting a restless night of sleep even with the morphling.

…

Urela and I sit alone in her apartment as we watch the recap of the Reaping. We drink several bottles of wine between the two of us tonight. The red liquid doesn't do much to dull my thoughts but Urela doesn't like me shooting up while she's watching. She worries that I'll turn into a brainless skeleton like the Victors who are addicted to the stuff.

As we watch the escorts in each district pull names from the glass bowls, I wonder if she has family back home whose names are in the bowls from eight. I don't ask though, just as she doesn't ask me about Linden. It's easier that way.

I recognize the girl chosen from seven. She's several years younger than me but I remember seeing her in the hallways at school from time to time. She has two older sisters, one who was in my year though we were never really friends. The boy is a thirteen year old who I've never seen before. He has no real chance at winning.

…

The next morning Brule is knocking at my door causing my head to pound from the hangover I've been nursing, "Yeah?" I ask as he walks in observing the mess around the apartment. I don't usually take the time to clean it anymore and I'm certainly not trying to impress him.

"As you're well aware," He jumps in immediately, "There will be no concerts during the Games. So my thought was, you should plan on hitting a different club every night. It's good publicity and keeps your face under the limelight."

I roll my eyes at this. Every time I leave the apartment I'm in the limelight. I don't have to go prancing around at some club for people to talk about me but Brule seems to be convinced otherwise.

"Fine." I shrug, knowing the fight would never be worth it, "I'll go out the first night of the games. People will be celebrating like crazy then right?"

He sighs, "I was thinking more like tonight, Camellia."

"No one's going to be going with me right? No patrons?" I ask.

"No, I don-"

"Then I won't be getting paid for it anyway and I need a few nights off. I'll go on the opening day." I say firmly and he sighs knowing he won't convince me otherwise.

"Fine." He says heading for the door, "And clean this place up, Camellia. It's not District 7 for goodness sake."

No, it most certainly is not.

...

Several days later, I wake up when my phone starts blaring in the living room. I move slowly to pick up the receiver, "Hello?"

"Camellia," A voice says on the other end and I shudder as my body instantly reacts, "It's Milo Hook, dear. I need you to come over tonight; just during the recap, I know you're already booked at the clubs for the night."

My breath turns shallow and I softly answer the only way I can, "Okay. I'll be there."

"Good. Wear something pretty, okay?" He replies smoothly and I hear people talking in the background, "I'm at work so I have to go but I'll see you this evening."

There's a click and the line goes dead before I return the phone to the wall. I call Elexia and she promises she'll be by soon. A wave of dread washes over me and I know it's time for more morphling.

By the time Elexia arrives and I am ready to leave, I'm drenched in a grey cloud of indifference. I appreciate the warm air tonight as I step outside in an outfit that barely covers my body since Milo prefers it if he has less clothing to remove when I arrive.

The Avox gives me a tiny smile as he opens the door to the car for me. He always does this when I have to wear the worst outfits. I think it's his way of saying he's sorry, that he would give me his jacket if he could. I almost laugh at this thought as I slide into the car; what a scandal that would cause. I can picture the headlines already, "A Silent Song: Camellia Goldenlarch In Love With Avox Driver."

These thoughts keep me amused and the nervousness in check until we reach Milo's apartment. The Avox opens the door for me and I hesitate to move, wishing there was some way to avoid this. He reaches out a hand and guides me into the evening air silently but with a knowing glance. Just before he releases my hand he gives it the lightest squeeze. I turn to look at him and see the apology in his eyes. It's stupid- I want to tell him. He's not the one causing the pain. He has nothing to be sorry for. I smile thankfully anyway and make my way into the apartment that will become my prison over the next few hours.

...

His hand pulls sharply on my hair from outside my cover of the blankets, "Stop." He moans as he uses his grip to pull me roughly to his chest. "Watch."

The logo for the 72nd Hunger Games flashes on the screen and Claudius Templesmith's voice booms as the cameras pan around the arena full of tributes.

"I have money on the girl from four and boy from eleven." He says distractedly as his eyes remain glued to the screen.

The canon fires and I avert my eyes. I don't want to watch this. I can't hold it together if I do and Milo never lets me leave the bed until he's pleased. There's no opportunity to drown myself in a morphling haze until after this session is over. Besides, there's not enough morphling in the world to drown out the memories that the Games bring. I thought my heart had started to heal after Linden's death but as I watch the camera pan across all the young, terrified faces, the shards of what used to be my heart scrape against my chest.

Instead I focus on the bright red burns on my wrists from where Milo had tied me down earlier. They sting even at the slightest touch and I can't wait to go home so Elexia can spread some magic ointment on them to cool the pain.

"Damn." He yells sitting up abruptly, throwing me off of him. "There goes four. They've had the worst luck the past two years."

I remain silent since I know he doesn't want my input anyway. He prefers if I don't speak at all during our time actually. Although I can look away from the screen I can't stop the sounds of the Games from reaching my ears; the screams of pain, the whoops of triumph after a kill. I hear the thud of metal against bone and Milo heaves a big sigh.

"Well, so much for luck." He says lying back down in bed, "There goes eleven too. Ah well."

He pulls me towards him again and I comply as he pushes me back down his torso under the blankets, "Finish what you started now, Camellia." He orders and so, of course, I do with an incredible amount of self-hatred.

By the time I arrive back at my apartment, I have already returned to the comforting haze of morphling and have only a few new bruises besides the rope burns. Elexia clicks her tongue at this but works quickly to make them all disappear. It's funny how you can make almost anything appear normal with a little bit of effort.

Two hours later, she's sprayed my hair with sparkles and somehow turned it into voluminous curls that frame my face perfectly. I'm stenciled with olive green vines, not unlike those that Linden wore during his interviews, and wearing a short brown skirt. The top is more of an undergarment than a shirt but Elexia assures me this is the newest trend and that everyone will love it. That doesn't make me hate it any less, of course, but I let the subject drop. I've learned that it doesn't matter much what I like as long as the crowds stay happy.

Urela is out with a patron tonight so I journey out to the club alone. I can feel the bass pumping out of the club before I can hear it. A long line of beautiful, young Capitol citizens stands along the side of the building and as I step out of the car they burst into screams as the cameras flash away. I smile and wave, even blowing a few kisses since I know it will keep Brule off my case.

The strobe lights make me dizzy when I first walk in but as I continue over to the bar I slowly become more accustom to them. I order a drink and observe the young sweaty bodies as they grind up on one another, looking freakish under lights that make their colored skin glow. I look down at myself and realize the vines painted on my skin are glowing as well making me look like an exotic being hiding in a jungle. Well, done Elexia, Brule will be pleased.

A powder blue man walks up to me, handing me three pills, "Take them. It makes everything more fun."

Normally, I would throw the pills back at him. I might use morphling but I'm not one to use mystery drugs from strangers. But tonight I don't question the advisability of this as I quickly down all three and chase them with my orange drink. I sit for a while sipping and watching before I heave a sigh and decide to join the dancers. Brule won't be pleased if I just sit along the wall all night.

The crowd quickly opens up to accept me as friends shout to one another that Camellia Goldenlarch is here. Bodies crowd in around me grinding up on whatever part of my body they can touch, and touch they do. It doesn't take long for the pills to kick in and I loose any sense of where I am or where my body is. There are several bodies pressing up on me, none of them are faces I recognize and it's strange but the colors are melting off of them.

One person steps up to me closer than all the rest. I look up, squinting into the lights and his eyes are glowing green under his dark hair. I smile and he flashes his teeth back at me.

"Hello, Camellia." He says softly but somehow I can just hear him above the music. He reaches a hand up to my face just like he always used to. His other hand wraps around my waist, pulling me closer to move my body with his in sync with the music.

"Linden." I whisper, reaching up to brush a hand through his hair. The name is lost in the pumping of the bass but he smiles at me regardless. He always did know what I was thinking without me ever saying it.

I smile again and let my head rest against his chest, closing my eyes. He's back. He's come back to me. I inhale a deep breath but something isn't right. Linden doesn't smell like citrus. My brow furrows as I take another breath but he still doesn't smell like the woods. I pull my head back to look up at the man again and scream.

The lights touch his hair and the dark color melts to a dark blue. His hand grabs me and I see the color drip off of my own skin. I look up to see all the faces around me are starting to melt together. Their bones are showing. I push away and into another body that turns me to face it.

"Camellia?" The body asks and I stare at it watching its pretty gold paint drip away, turning crimson as it does so. "What are you doing here?"

I remember that voice. And that red hair, the color isn't melting off of it.

"Rowan." I say but it comes out sounding strange as I start to laugh. It sounds bizarre to my ears, maniacal.

His face darkens- he's worried- my brain whispers to me, "Did you take something?"

I close my eyes and laugh because now bubbles are coming out of his mouth, red bubbles. I start to walk away, continuing to laugh but wanting nothing to do with Rowan as the bubbles fall from his mouth.

"Camellia," His melting hands grab me by the shoulders and shake me, which makes me laugh harder, "What did you take?"

I look up at him again and jump away from his melting hands. Those aren't bubbles, it's blood dripping out of his mouth, "Don't touch me!" I yell in that strange, heavy voice as I look at his hands dripping with blood.

He takes another step towards me, "Stay away. You're bloody! You're a murderer!" I scream, the words carrying clearly over the pumping bass. I watch as his face contorts with something- pain- my brain tells me before he moves to reach for me again. Before he can make contact however, another voice carries over the noise.

"Come on." A female voice commands and grabs me by my upper arms pushing me out of the crowd and into a hallway that seems too narrow and long for the backside of the building.

"Johanna." I say staring up at her. Her hair is melting like a mudslide down the mountains back home.

"She's taken something but she won't say what. I think she's seeing things. She says I'm bloody." Rowan says. I can still very clearly see he's covered in blood and wearing the same pained look on his face.

"Keep him away!" I scream but Johanna just tightens her grip on me forcing me to stay in the same spot only inches away from the bloody murderer.

"Do you know what kind of pill you took, Camellia?" Johanna shakes me slightly and moves her face closer to me to make fierce eye contact. She looks angry- no- irritated as she waits for me to respond.

I shake my head in answer, "Three of them." Those are the only words I can gather and move from my brain to my lips.

She takes a deep breath and I watch her head balloon up as she does until she lets it out in a sigh, "Great. The stupid girl took shit she doesn't even know anything about."

She turns to me again, "What colors were they, Camellia?" She asks as evenly as her frustration allows.

I smile happily remembering the man who gave them to me, "The man was blue. The drink was orange."

"Yes, Camellia, but what colors were the damn pills?" She asks again, rolling her eyes with an angry sigh.

"I don't know." I shrug, "I took them all. Can you see them?" I ask opening my mouth for her to look at them.

"No. I can't see them because you swallowed them." She says getting louder until she's shouting by the last words. "Idiot." She mumbles.

Rowan takes a step forward, reminding me he's still here. He puts a hand on Johanna's arm and pries her hand from my shoulder.

"I'll get her home." Rowan says softly and I see he's smeared the blood that was running out of his mouth all over his chin. "You stay here and hopefully no one will notice we're gone."

"Fine by me. I don't need to take care of some drugged up little girl. I'm not a babysitter." She says swinging the door back open as she reenters the club.

I back up against the wall, "Stay away, you murderer." I say venomously.

He holds up his bloody hands, "I won't touch you, Camellia, but you have to walk out of here like you're perfectly normal, okay? We'll use the backdoors and take my car but there will still be a few cameras. You don't want them to know that you're drugged up."

"I'm fine!" I yell, "You're the one covered in blood."

Sadness washes over his face. Even my drugged, sluggish brain can identify that emotion. Good. He should be sad. He just killed someone.

"Okay, Camellia. Just walk straight to the car okay? Don't say anything until we're in the car. Promise?" He says holding the door open for me.

"As long as you promise not to rub your bloody hands all over me." I say stomping down the short sidewalk to the car. Only a few pops of light flash, snow falling from them as they do. I smile as I watch the tiny flakes fall onto the red carpet below while I step into the car.

The car starts moving the moment Rowan shuts the door and I sit as far from him as I can on the seat, watching the blood drip from his fingers. He keeps his promise and doesn't try to touch me as we enter my apartment and he tells me to take a shower. I do and watch the paint come off my body in rainbows that swirl down the drain. He's not in my bedroom anymore when I come out so I go to sleep.

I'm in the forest and the trees start to melt over me. I run but drops of the melting trees fall on me and burn my skin off down to bone. I look down and my entire arm is bone. The bones fall apart in pieces and I scramble to pick them up but the longer I stay under the trees the more bones break apart. Linden is up ahead but he's melting too. He's calling for me to help him but I can't gather my bones together fast enough. I look down and see blood flowing out of the bones in my hands and I scream, throw them away from me, and stumble back into a tree.

I can't breath when I open my eyes and see that I'm sitting up in bed against my headboard. I close my eyes and concentrate on trying to breath, in, out, in, out. When I open my eyes again, I see Rowan staring at me with concern in his dark, evergreen eyes.

"I thought you were gone. What time is it?" I say sounding weak. My head is starting to spin so I lie back down and glance at his hands. No blood; just the remains of the gold pattern that is stenciled over his entire body.

"Three in the morning. You didn't sleep long. I didn't want to leave until I was sure you'd be okay." He says softly sounding slightly relieved.

I laugh sharply but it sounds strange to my ears, "I haven't been okay in ages. Did you wash the blood off or was it never real to begin with?" I ask bluntly. Clearly the effects of the pills haven't worn off entirely. I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth even if I wanted to.

"You were the only one who could see it." He says with a slight smirk.

A wave of embarrassment washes over me and combines with a sense of weakness that's rushing through me, "It was real. I swear it."

He shrugs and looks down at the floor, "It's not impossible. I mean it's not like I haven't killed people before. Like you said, I'm a murderer." He says disdainfully.

"I shouldn't have said that." I say flatly, realizing how piercing my words probably were. "Sorry."

He doesn't say anything in response, just gives a dry, half smile that indicates he still thinks I was right. I watch the bright lights from the Capitol buildings glint on his auburn hair for a while. It looks almost like a red night sky, the stars blinking at me. A thought strikes me and the words are out of my mouth almost before they've formed in my head.

"Why did you help me?" I ask and my brow furrows.

He stares at me for a moment, face blank from any emotion I could identify.

"I don't know. I didn't want you to embarrass yourself, which you were well on the way to doing." He explains then asks, "Why did you take pills that you didn't recognize?"

It's my turn to shrug now, "I needed to forget." I whisper before I can stop myself. Those pills definitely haven't worn off yet.

"Forget what?" He asks. I can tell by his tone that he thinks he knows what I'm going to say but surely he can't because even I'm not sure what exactly I had wanted to block out. Had it been the evening with Milo Hook? Or maybe it was the tributes from seven who had died only hours before? Perhaps I needed to drown the memories of Linden and his death that happened almost exactly one year ago?

But the words are slipping from my mouth of their own accord now. My lips know what I most need to forget before my mind can even process it, "How much I hate myself."

A dark look of anger crosses his face and confuses my muddled mind. Is he angry with me? Probably. I know I am.

He reaches for one of my hands and holds onto it even as I weakly attempt to pull it away, "Don't say that, Camellia. Don't let them make you think like that. The Capitol made you this way. You should hate the Capitol, not yourself, for what they've done to you."

"I let them though." I whisper tremulously, "I let them turn me into one of them."

"No, Camellia." He whispers back gently rubbing my hand with the side of his thumb, "You're not one of them. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to stop them. I'm sorry for what they did to you; what they've put you through."

The shards of my heart are scraping at me again and the pain is almost enough to make me cry. He knows. Just like Finnick, he knows. I try to breathe but the air won't go into my lungs without a fight. The look he's giving me pity, no- empathy, is enough to break me. I want him to stop looking at me like that. I don't deserve any of it.

"I'm so tired, Rowan." I say meeting his eyes with my own and I know he understands what I mean. His eyes are so sad that I know he's going to say something else, something that will try to further break my already shattered heart. So I speak before he can, "You'll be gone by the morning?"

He blinks and I know he won't say whatever it was he was thinking. Instead he nods, "My train home leaves early. I don't have any business in the Capitol since seven's out of the games already."

I nod in response, "Good-bye then. And thank you." I say closing my eyes, drifting off again immediately.

I can't be sure if it's real or just a dream that Rowan runs a hand through my hair, fanning it across the pillow, whispering, "You're welcome, Camellia," before he plants a gentle kiss on my temple. And I'm not sure whether I want to know if it's real or not.

…

Two weeks later, the phone wakes me after a particularly late night. I crack my eyes and cringe at the late morning light coming in through the window. The phone persists in ringing louder than what I deem necessary so I slowly slip out of bed and cross the living room before pulling it unceremoniously off of the cradle.

"Yeah?" I ask, assuming it must be Brule or maybe a patron though they don't usually call until the afternoon.

"Camellia?" A sweet little voice questions from the other end causing my heart to freeze. I'm momentarily speechless and the voice speaks again, "Are you there?"

"Yes, Holly," I whisper, leaning against the wall and letting my back slide down it until I'm sitting, "I'm still here."

**AN:** There you have it! Feel free to let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you. The next part is still really rough and I have my senior comprehensive coming up next week so I may not get it out until late or possibly not until the next week. I thank you in advance for your unending patience!


	22. Chapter 22- Snow and Roses

**AN: **Hello everyone! Thank you all for all your reviews, favorites, alerts and messages after the last chapter. I'm glad you're enjoying the storyline! Also, thank you for your patience while waiting for this part. I did pass my senior comp yesterday (Yay!) and went out for the evening so I've been moving pretty slowly today in getting this up. So, without further ado, part 22!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins so I do not own The Hunger Games!_

**Part 22- Snow and Roses**

"We miss you." Holly says softly from the other end of the line. It's funny how clear her voice is, like she's sitting right next to me.

"I miss you too." I reply, trying to keep my voice steady as I do.

"It was Ash's birthday yesterday. We had a party." She explains, clearly enjoying this invention that allows her to talk to her long lost sister. I don't know what to say. I'd forgotten about Ash's birthday. Last night I had been out with one of the horrible patrons and I had drowned everything out with morphling once I got back to the apartment. It never occurred to me what day it was.

Holly continues unperturbed by my silence, "Cypress and Laurel were over. And Rowan too. I asked him if we could call because of Ash's birthday and he said yes."

I can hear her smile as she explains this proudly. It was clearly a brilliant plan on her part. I hear a deeper voice mumble something in the background and static as Holly moves the phone around. She whispers something and another voice says something in return.

"Ash is here but he doesn't want to talk on the phone." Holly states, "He's shy I think."

"That's okay, Holly." I say softly closing my eyes and pretending that I'm really back in seven talking with her. "Did you enjoy the party?"

"Yes! We ate candied cherries." She says happily, "And Ash got new shirts and pants. We got to play around outside past our bedtime too!"

A smile crosses my face, "That's good. I'm glad you had fun."

There's a slight pause before Holly speaks again.

"Ash says you're sick." She says cautiously and now I can clearly hear Ash hissing angry words at her. She pulls the phone away from her mouth but I can still clearly hear her say, "Well you did! You said she was sick and that we should leave her alone. She doesn't sound sick!"

I hear Ash's angry voice clearly, "That's because we woke her up and she hasn't had a chance to-"

"That's enough." I hear the deeper voice, Rowan's, cut him off, "Holly why don't you finish up so Camellia can get going. I'm sure she's busy." I hear a door slam somewhere nearby and know that Ash has probably stormed out.

"You remember the song you sang me when I was sick, Camellia?" Holly asks urgently and I can imagine Rowan standing next to her, his hand ready for the phone to hurry her along.

"Yes, Sweeheart, I do."

"You can sing that and it can make you feel better. I'll sing it too every night just like I sing the other song you taught me." She assures me. Guilty tears spring into my eyes as she mentions this; I haven't thought about our song in a long time. How had I gotten so bad? How could I forget about my siblings, the only people in the world that I truly love? The only reasons that I'm doing any of this.

"Okay, Holly." I agree.

"Bye, Camellia." She calls sweetly causing the tears in my eyes to finally spill over.

"Bye." I squeak before shakily adding, "Give the phone to Rowan really quick."

There's static as the phone moves before Rowan's deep, smooth voice reaches my ear, "Yes?"

"What were you thinking?" I demand angrily, my voice cracking at the last word as I wipe at the tears on my face.

He sighs, easily registering that I'm mad. After all, didn't I tell him specifically not to do this to me? He mumbles something and I hear Holly chirp back happily before a dull slam of the door.

"Holly asked again. It was a birthday party! I couldn't say no." He explains.

"Do you have any idea how badly that could have gone, Rowan? If I had been-" I drop off, unable to finish the sentence. I take a deep breath and start up again just as angrily, "And it wasn't Holly's birthday. You could have told her no."

"I had them call you in the morning for a reason, Camellia. I'm not an idiot despite what you seem to think. I knew you'd be home and relatively sober if we caught you early enough." I cringe at his words. He's clearly calling me out on my morphling use but he doesn't directly reprimand me. "And Ash asked me to let her call. He wanted her to be happy." He states defensively.

"Well, you shouldn't have done it! I told you not to let them call me." I argue weakly, voice shaking like a leaf in the wind.

He sighs again, "I'm sorry it upset you, Camellia. But you should have seen how happy she was when you answered. You would have thought she was talking to Finnick Odair, not her moody, older sister." There's a joking air in his voice and I know he's trying to make me feel better, maybe even to make me laugh but it doesn't help.

"She's my little sister, Rowan. I raised her. Of course she was excited to talk to me." I grumble, "Not everyone finds me as unpleasant as you do."

"I never said that I find you unpleasant. I said you were moody, which I think is a fact supported by this entire conversation." He states but I can almost see the smirk on his face as he does.

I let out a heavy sigh, "Ash wasn't as happy as Holly though was he?"

Rowan is silent for a moment, thinking of a nice way to say what I already know.

"He's just having a rough time with all this. Especially since it was his birthday yesterday and we had to celebrate without you."

I give a sharp laugh at this, "You really do have a way of spinning a situation with words, Rowan Carson."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm not stupid." I say firmly, "Ash is furious with me, maybe even hates me for leaving. He's seen me on the television. He knows that I've been parading around the Capitol like one of them and he hates me for it. He only let Holly call me today in hopes that I would screw it up and she would be mad at me too so he didn't have to listen to her miss me anymore."

The line is silent again but I can hear Rowan's breath from the other side.

"Camellia-"

"Don't." I cut him off, "Just don't let them call me here again. I might not pull it off next time."

There's a long pause and I'm about to hang up the receiver when Rowan speaks again, softly, "He doesn't hate you, Camellia. He doesn't want you to screw everything up. He just doesn't understand everything that he's seeing. He'll come around. He still loves you."

"I really wish I could believe that." I reply just as softly, tired from the emotional tumult of the morning. Any anger that I had seems to have rushed out of me, leaving me empty and weak.

"Are you okay, Camellia?" He whispers and even across the distance between District 7 and the Capitol I can feel his concern permeating every word.

I close my eyes again and rest my head against the wall, "Define okay."

He's silent for a moment before I add, "I'm alive and breathing."

"You don't sound like yourself." He states as though he knows me well enough to say such a thing.

I sigh, "You just woke me up. That's all." It's not a lie. I haven't been able to use any morphling. Lately any time I've seen Rowan I've been drugged so I probably don't sound like what he's used to.

"You should try to get off that stuff. I've heard it makes things seem worse when you come down from the high." There it is; the reprimanding words of someone who has no business telling me what to do. The anger is there again, starting in the pit of my stomach and rising up in my blood.

"What are you talking about?" I demand heatedly. He has no right to talk to me about this. He doesn't understand.

"Don't get mad, Camellia. I'm just worried."

"Don't be. I'm fine." I state angrily.

"It's so easy to lose control and one mistake could-"

"I'm in control, Rowan!" I screech. "How dare you of all people tell me to stop using?"

"I know how hard it can be to stop." He says softly. "I've been trying to lay off the drinking. It's been awful."

"What do you mean?" I seethe, eyes narrowing in disbelief even though he can't see my reaction.

"I've been trying to stop for a while now. It's not easy and I feel like I relapse more often than not but when I'm not drinking, things don't seem as bad." He explains quietly.

I don't say anything for a long while. How is it possible that this man can deal with his ghosts but I can't? I always thought he was so weak. I was always stronger than him. I decide not to think about it anymore.

"I have to go. Elexia's here." I lie.

"Right." He says but I can tell he calls my bluff. "I'll talk to you soon." He adds.

"Right." Not likely though.

"Goodbye, Camellia."

"Bye."

I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think my way out of the Capitol; trying to find some way to get back to my siblings. It's the first day in a long time that I don't use any morphling. My mind is already consumed with its own thoughts today. I must seem preoccupied because Brule lets me skip out on greeting my concert goers for the night and instead releases me home to sleep early.

"I just can't think of anything." I whisper to myself and the imaginary Holly inside my mind as I lay in bed, mind still reeling as it tries to find some solution. "I want to go home, Holly, but I don't know how. I have to keep you safe."

…

"Good evening, Camellia."

"Good evening." I reply as I slide into the empty seat next to Harper Coltwater, one of my patrons. He's a quiet man when he's only around me but I quickly learned that his quiet demeanor is best left at home. Once we arrive at the party, he transforms into a vocal Capitol citizen of the highest caliber who is somehow involved in the growing of the arenas for the Games. He laughed at me the first night when I asked how one grows something like that.

"Camellia dear, how do you think those forests or deserts or animals get there? They have to be raised from something." He had stated patronizingly.

That's all I really know about the man sitting beside me right now. He doesn't divulge much and I don't really care enough to ask for more information. However, I do know that it is because of his job that I am escorting him to the party tonight.

President Snow is throwing a lavish party at the Presidential Mansion for all the Gamemakers and those lesser individuals involved with the games. This is apparently an annual fall get together that occurs between the Games themselves and the Victory Tour, as if we don't already get enough of it during those two events.

We arrive at the party to a host of flashing cameras. Harper wears me proudly on his arm as I shine the way I'm expected to. Tonight Elexia has put me in a deep red gown of satiny material. The front is a modest V-neck but the back cuts out all the way down to the small of my back. There is also a less-than-modest slit up the side of the dress that goes up to my mid thigh.

I feel ridiculous, like it's hardly worth wearing any clothing at all. But Elexia assures me that I will be setting a new trend among Capitol citizens. I can't foresee this actually happening since she's also adhered fake eyelashes to my eyelids. They're so long that they are practically like wings with the tips dipped in a red identical to my gown. My hair has been knotted back with red ribbons twisted into it.

The cameras do seem to love it though, snapping away like large clicking beetles. Harper eventually tells them that we have to get moving and he pulls me along until we are safely shut inside the mansion.

"You look lovely tonight." He says, looking me over for the first time with greedy eyes.

I try to keep from rolling my eyes. He's notorious for sucking up to people once he turns on the charm but I know the real Harper Coldwater and make no mistake about it, there will be no schmoozing in his bed tonight. He knows what he wants and acquires it in the most efficient and business-like a manner as possible. He has no time for unnecessary adventures not that this bothers me one bit. The less adventurous the better if you ask me. I find that we mesh fairly well together. I don't have to pretend to be emotionally attached to him and he doesn't have to pretend that he's there to make me feel good. We get the job done, I get my money and we both leave with the one thing we were looking for.

Harper notices a woman with a particularly large nose that bears a striking resemblance to a bird's beak.

He gives me a tight smile, "I need to talk with her for a moment. You'll be fine alone while I'm gone?"

I nod, "Of course."

He hurries off in the woman's direction and I'm left standing alone. This is nothing new however since he is notorious for leaving me standing along the walls of parties while he socializes with friends. I don't really understand why he pays to take me to these things since he just wants a nice time when he goes home. It would be cheaper just to pick me up on the way back to his apartment but he insists on bringing me with him to the social events as well so I don't argue. It's all money at this point.

I wander around the room, bidding hello to those who greet me, many of whom I now know from parading all over the Capitol. I've just reached one of the large windows that overlooks the rose gardens when I catch a pungent smell on the air.

"They're lovely, no?" A cool, measured voice asks from over my shoulder.

I turn and freeze when my eyes fall on the older man with white hair and sinister looking lips that are curved into a smile that chills my blood.

"President Snow." I state in shock.

He smiles wider, puffy lips stretching over his teeth, a strange metallic sent coming from his breath.

"Camellia Goldenlarch." He replies holding out a hand to me. I take it shakily but hope he doesn't notice. "Just as beautiful in person. I've been meaning to meet you for a while now. You've captured the heart of many a Capitol citizen, dear."

"Th-thank you." I say uneasily, my hands fidgeting once he releases me from his handshake, "It's an honor to meet you, sir."

He smiles tightly before moving his gaze to the rose gardens again, lit up even at night by strategically placed lights.

"I noticed you admiring the roses. You have an eye for beauty, Camellia. There's nothing more perfect than a rose and these, I assure you, are the best that Panem has to offer."

"They are beautiful." I agree, looking away from this man that I hate so much and yet find so terrifying.

He takes a step closer, "Which color is your favorite dear?"

"I don't know, sir. I've never really seen roses before." I explain quietly, trying not to flinch due to his close proximity, "They're beautiful all the same. I don't see why the color would matter."

"Yes I suppose you don't have much use for flowers in District 7 do you? You never planted a flower garden with your little sister though?" He asks in such a nonchalant manner that anyone listening would think it's a conversation between friends but I can feel the sinister meaning behind it. He's reminding me I still have people I care about; people that he has easy access to if he wants.

"No." I whisper. "We never did."

"And I suppose your fiancé- Linden was it- never had the means to buy you a rose on your anniversary." His words might as well be daggers for the amount of pain they're inflicting. And his breath, it smells like metal, like blood, masked behind the scent of the white rose pinned to his lapel.

"No. Flowers are too expensive." I respond softly, wishing he would be pleased and leave me alone.

"Well, then, dear, let me be the first to give you one." He says, waving his hand, signaling an Avox over who carries a single white rose.

"And let me also enlighten you, my dear Camellia." He adds as the Avox pins the flower to my dress, "The color of the rose does matter. White is pure, simple. A white rose has to be completely perfect because there is nothing for its imperfections to hide behind. When there are no ostentatious colors, people can only see a white rose for what it really is. It can't hide any secrets."

I don't say anything in response. My mind is reeling from this entire conversation. I don't know why Snow is here in front of me telling me his opinions but I have a strong feeling that this isn't just a conversation about roses. I have a feeling this is a warning, a threat maybe, but about what? That apparently will remain a mystery.

"Does that make sense dear?" He asks and I nod wordlessly, "This sort of thing applies to anything really. Someone as pretty as you should always know how best to present herself. It would be a shame for you to fall from the grace of the Capitol citizens because of a wrong color choice. You know how fickle these relationships can be."

He looks at me expectantly so I muster up a few words, "Of course. Thank you, President Snow."

He smiles and Harper suddenly walks up behind me, greeting the President himself and speaking with him briefly. Snow has to make rounds to all of his guests though and departs shortly after our conversation has ended.

"Are you feeling okay?" Harper asks, frowning at me briefly. He knows about the morphling and he's seen me on nights when I take a bit more than I should. Tonight is not one of those nights however. I barely took any before I left the apartment tonight. I realize I'm shaking and probably look like some terrified rabbit after it's just run into the legs of a wolf. I quickly wipe my face of emotion and flash a bright smile.

"Of course, just surprised to finally have met the President." I explain.

Harper seems amused by this and gives a bright smile to match my own. He chuckles, "It's so cute sometimes how positively district you still are, Camellia."

I laugh lightly with him. He's in a good mood tonight. Normally he would just roll his eyes at me. I give him a peck on the cheek, which only causes him to smile wider. He leans down and presses his lips to mine in a proper kiss, something he rarely does in public. He must have gotten good news tonight, very good judging by the way he wraps his arms around me and pulls my body closer to his own.

He doesn't break away until dinner is called and he guides me to our table where we'll be sitting with half a dozen other rich Capitolites. The food is wonderful and I sit in relative silence, only laughing when it's expected. Harper and the others carry the conversation at the table, which is good enough for me.

Most of the conversation revolves around the latest Games; the moments of excitement and how distraught they were when their chosen tributes died. The winner this year was not unexpected; a boy, Cole, from District 2 who had volunteered immediately. He was huge and almost entirely muscle but he had a natural talent for battle tactics. His greatest asset had been his ability to take a victim completely by surprise. I hadn't watched much of the Games- only what I was forced to- but from what I gather it was quite a bloody, if not exciting, year.

By the time we're finishing up with the main course, however, one of the other women at the table has noticed my silence and decided to try and engage me.

"Camellia, I noticed your newest song has be selling well." She's young, perhaps a few years older than myself. Her hair is dyed a lilac color to match the intricate tattoos that cover her forehead. She's smiling but it's not earnest in the least bit.

"Yes it has." I agree as if I'm well aware of it. I haven't paid any attention to it to be honest. I hate everything about my music and what it's turned me into.

"You know, I was talking with a friend the other day. She mentioned how the other night at your concert you seemed- well- a little off. She said she thought you might have a _problem_." The woman explains, whispering the last word but still smiling in her insincere way. She continues before I can get over the shock of what she's said, "I argued on your behalf of course. I told her you were probably just tired. We all know how much you've been working lately. Not to mention all the _parties_ you've been to."

I stare at her in silence, unable to find any appropriate response that didn't involve lunging across the table and scratching her pretty face. Harper, for once, comes to my rescue. I suppose he probably does it for his own sake. It wouldn't look good for him to be "dating" a morphling addicted whore.

"Well you were right to correct your friend. Camellia was just telling me earlier on the ride here how much extra practice she's been putting in to prepare for her new concert set."

She glances at Harper with an adoring look, "Well maybe you might think of going out to _clubs and parties_ a little less. Get your beauty rest instead."

She fixes me with a steel look as she sips some of her drink before turning to smile brightly at Harper again. It clicks then. She's jealous of me. She actually cares about Harper and thinks that I've tied him down. I inwardly roll my eyes at the thought. She can take him; one less for me to deal with.

The dancing starts immediately after dinner and Harper spins me around the dance floor for several songs before noticing a fellow coworker whom he needs to speak with about the current arena they're working on. I wander around a bit, appreciating the art hanging along the outer walls. Harper's "quick conversation" turns out to be longer than expected though and soon an elderly man asks me to dance. I agree and dance with him until he too is pulled away by the desire to converse with a fellow citizen.

I walk out of the main room into a wide hallway to get some fresh air. There are several people out here, some couples and some just seeming to need a break like myself. I situate myself next to a window and watch the Capitol traffic in the loop out in front of the mansion. I don't hear the rapid staccato of heels clicking across the floor until it's too late.

"Camellia." She says my name firmly. I don't hesitate as I look up and moments later I'm sputtering and coughing, trying to wipe the burning liquid from my eyes. "Stay away from him. We all know you're just a whore. I don't know how you managed to catch Harper's eye but I'll make sure you're out of my way if you don't do so voluntarily." The lilac haired girl hisses vehemently but it's loud enough for everyone around to hear and they're all staring in our direction now.

"That's fine. You can have him." I state breathlessly, disbelieving and still shocked at the situation.

She takes a step closer, teetering as she does so. She's drunk. I catch the sent of her breath- very drunk.

"You think it's a joke?" She shrieks, pulling a hand back to hit me, I flinch away but the blow never comes.

"Why don't you go find Harper now, Essa?" A familiar voice suggests and I open my eyes to a perfectly groomed and stunning Finnick Odair holding onto the woman's wrist. "That way you'll have a chance to talk alone before the night is over."

Essa seems to consider it for a moment before tottering off toward the main room again without another word.

"Come on. I know a room upstairs we can use." Finnick says quietly as he takes hold of my elbow and guides my shocked body toward the large mahogany staircase. We walk a short way down the hall before he pulls me into what I consider to be a completely random room but it has a bathroom attached which is exactly what I need at this very moment.

"You just get people riled up everywhere you go don't you?" He says with a chuckle once he closes the door behind us.

I shake my head, finally coming back around now that the sounds from downstairs have been shut out and we're in a quiet setting.

"I guess I took a page out of your book there, Mr. Odair." I reply, earning a smirk from him.

"Comes with the territory I guess." He walks over to a box on the wall and pushes the button there. "I'll get an Avox to bring up something for you to change into." He says nodding at my stained dress.

"Thanks." I reply, walking into the bathroom to wash off a bit. I can't take a full shower because Elexia isn't here to perfect me again but I can at least get the sticky liquor off of me. Most of the makeup on my face survived the alcohol and hasn't smudged down my face but the same can't be said for the fake eyelashes. I pull them off just as Finnick carries in the new dress, red just like the one I'm already wearing but much simpler with halter neck and shorter hemline.

"I'll be sad to see those go." He jokes with a knowing smile.

"Damn things look like they belong on a bird." I mutter and he laughs heartily.

"They did." He agrees.

I slide out of my ruined dress and grab the fresh one from Finnick's hand. His eyes widen for just the slightest moment as though he's shocked by my lack of propriety before he averts his gaze.

"What?" I ask with a smirk of my own this time, "Don't tell me Finnick Odair has never seen a half-naked girl before." He rolls his eyes as I slip into the new dress and brush the skirt down smoothly.

"Oh, I've seen plenty of naked girls, Camellia. They're just not usually so pretty." He states smoothly and causes me to pause my motions for a moment as a blush creeps up to my cheeks, which is ridiculous. I shouldn't be able to blush at anything anymore. I'm far from innocent but somehow the provocative Finnick Odair has managed to shock me.

"Oh please." I say trying to shake it off, "Just zip me up."

He does so slowly, taking care not to catch any of my hair. He's gentle as his hands glide between my shoulder blades as they reach the top of the dress. This doesn't make me blush though, there's nothing provocative about it as I look at him in the mirror. He's watching me as well.

"I'm sorry she did that to you." He says softly without pretense of a joke. "I know how bad it can be to be called out like that in front of everyone."

I shrug, "It's nothing you did. And like I said, she can have him if she wants. I don't pretend to care about him."

"Still, it never feels good to be called a whore." He says with the slightest smirk.

I roll my eyes again, "Well at least she said it quietly and in private instead of making a scene."

"Right." He agrees nodding as I turn to face him now fully clothed. "That would have been just mortifying."

"I might have died from the social embarrassment." I chuckle.

"Well you don't look worse for the wear anyway. I'm starting to wonder if you even have it in you to look awful." He says returning to his joking demeanor again.

I laugh, "Just come by the apartment one morning when I don't have this second skin of makeup on. That might change your mind."

"Does that mean you want me in your apartment one morning, Camellia?" He asks wiggling his eyebrows at me as we head for the door.

"Shut up, Finnick." I say, slapping his shoulder lightly but he laughs gleefully.

We walk back into the main room before Finnick sees the woman he came with and needs to part ways with me. I spot Harper across the room as well, watching us as we walk through the door.

I grab Finnick's arm as he turns to go, "Thanks, Finnick."

He gives a soft smile, not the one he uses for the cameras or his dates, but a real genuine smile of a young man happy to help a friend.

"Your welcome, Camellia. Just try not to cause any more scenes tonight." He gives a playful wink, his mask back on in that moment for the watchful eyes around us.

"I'll do my best." I assure him before making my way back to Harper.

Harper briefly asks why I've changed my outfit and is satisfied when I say there was an accident with a drink. I wouldn't expect much more from him. It's not like he really cares about what happens to me while he's busy talking with his acquaintances.

I stand next to him while he chats with a Gamemaker. The man is nice enough and tries to make light conversation with me for a while before turning his full attention to Harper. After I settle into silence, my mind starts to wander through the strange occurrences of the evening most prominently my encounter with Snow. I still can't really make sense of it.

My mind is still puzzling through it when Harper decides that it's time to leave. When we do, my brain shuts down and focuses on the sole task at hand. We finish the evening efficiently and I return to the apartment in the wee hours of the morning before collapsing exhaustedly into the soft confines of my bed.

**AN:** There you have it! I hope you enjoyed. Please let me know what you think! I really do appreciate your feedback. The next chapter is not even really started yet so it will probably be delayed in being posted but fingers crossed I will hopefully have time to post it next weekend sometime!


	23. Chapter 23- Unfortunate Mistakes

**AN:** Okay lovelies, here is part 23! I hope it finds you all well and happy. I don't have much to say this week other than thank you for all the adds to favorites, alerts and to all of those who left review. I really truly do appreciate hearing what you think!

_Disclaimer:_ _I am not Suzanne Collins therefore I do not own The Hunger Games!_

**Part 23- Unfortunate Mistakes**

Weeks pass and I continue in the cycle that has become my life. Pamina coaches me on new songs in the morning if there are any. Elexia arrives in the afternoon to prepare me for concerts or for my escort. On the nights of my concerts, I usually sing and then meet up with a patron afterwards. The nights without concerts are reserved solely for patrons.

I open the bathroom cabinet one afternoon and let out a groan of dismay. I'd had a rough night last night and used up the last of the morphling I had stockpiled. I go to the drawer of my bedside table but know already what I'll find. Empty.

My hands being to shake as my brain pounds angrily against my skull. For a moment I contemplate trying to go without the morphling but my stomach clenches at the thought. I tried to stop after Holly called all those weeks ago but it only lasted two days before I couldn't take it anymore. I've been trying to use less but after a night like last night I figure I deserve a break. I steel myself for what I know is coming and enter Urela's apartment without knocking.

"What?" She demands in surprise from her seat on the couch.

"I need to borrow some of your morphling." I state as I wait for the disapproving look to cross her face and I'm not disappointed.

"I thought you kept backup in your bathroom." She replies flatly.

"I used it all." I say with a shrug, "I can get more tonight to pay you back with. I just need some right now."

She heaves a sigh but gets up off the couch, "I should tell you no. You shouldn't be using as much as you are, Camellia."

"I'm fine." I say rolling my eyes but I grab the vial from her hand as soon as she pulls it from the cabinet. "I had a rough time last night and I wasn't expecting it. I would have bought more on the ride home but the man I use was out."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're using more and more." She reprimands, "It's going to ruin your head if you aren't careful."

"Right. Which is why I am careful." I argue. "I'll see you around." I add, dashing out of her apartment before she can change her mind and take the vial back.

…

"It's so perfect on you!" Elexia squeals one evening as I step in front of the mirror. Even through the morphling, her voice is piercing and deeply annoying. She's excited though and I guess I can't blame her for her ignorance. I'll be performing at the party for the Victory Tour tonight. Elexia was positively elated when she heard while I on the other hand just tried to seem pleased about the entire ordeal. It's a big honor in their world but it makes me sick to my stomach to be performing for a celebration of the Games. Regardless, Snow himself had asked me to perform so there was no option but to say yes.

I look at the teal dress that is made of some strange fabric that looks wet but is just silky to the touch. When I move, it looks like a waterfall is flowing over me. My makeup is all blues and greens adding to the effect of me floating in water.

"Maybe you'll catch the Victor's eye!" She fawns, tucking a bit of hair more firmly against my head with a pin. I give her a little smile, which seems to appease her since she scans over my form one last time until a tiny frown forms on her face.

"What is it?" I inquire, heaving a sigh since I know it will be some miniscule, unimportant detail that's bothering her.

"It's your arm." She replies touching the inside of my left elbow lightly. I notice now that there's a bruise forming from where I injected the morphling an hour or so earlier.

"It's nothing, Elexia. No one will even notice. It'll be fine." I assure her, covering the mark with my right hand as if that will be enough to make her forget it's there.

She never says anything about my use. At first I don't even think she noticed. It wasn't until the track marks started showing that she began bringing special makeup to silently cover the area without comment. It's getting more difficult to cover lately though. The bruises show up darker and the needle marks are the hardest to hide.

She makes a tiny sound of protest before reaching into one of her cases for some makeup. She dabs the slimy paint on and brushes here and there until the marks all but disappear but she doesn't move away once they're covered.

"Why do you do it? It must hurt." She whispers so quietly I almost don't hear her.

I look at her in the mirror for a moment, watching her face. She looks sad, an emotion I've never seen cross her face before. The fact that she's even asking me this question is enough to render me speechless since I never thought she was capable of such depth but the look on her face alone would have been enough to silence me anyway.

"I- it's just- complicated." I stutter, never looking away from her gaze in the mirror.

"If you have pain, there are other medicines to use." She tries, hoping against all odds that I'm using the medicine for it's real purpose even though she's sure I'm not.

"It's okay, Elexia. I've got it under control." I reply, looking away from the mirror and out the window of my bedroom at the bright city lights. I don't want her to see the glassy look my eyes are developing as I try to hold back tears.

"If you need help-"

"I don't!" I cut her off, looking her directly in the eyes, daring her to contradict me. "I don't need help. I'm fine." I add to which she nods her head before standing up silently ending the conversation.

"We'll you'll look positively perfect on stage tonight. The lights will catch the dress just right and no one will be able to take their eyes off of you." She assures, brushing one last strand of hair back from my face before guiding me out the door.

"Hey." Urela calls from across the hall as she locks her door.

"You're not going to the Victory Tour tonight are you?" I ask, surprised to see her since she hadn't mentioned anything when we'd spoken earlier.

"No. Not this year." She says straightening the fluorescent purple wig on her head. "I'm going to a club with a guy."

"New one?"

"New guy, old club." She answers with a smirk. "You look nice tonight. Not all that freakish."

I laugh, "Thanks. Glad I have your approval."

"You're performing, right?" She asks and I nod, "Well, have fun. I'm sure you'll have people all over you all night."

"Great." I spit sarcastically.

"No date though. That must be nice." She points out with a smirk.

I roll my eyes and wave goodbye before sliding into my car to start the journey towards the President's mansion. I arrive through a back entrance by request of the President himself since he doesn't want anyone taking away from the Victor's glory tonight which I don't mind one bit. I don't have to deal with the horrid screaming and flashing lights this way.

An Avox shows me to my room and leaves me there to prep myself in peace. I don't have much prepping to do of course, Elexia made sure of that. Instead, I find time to shoot up another dose of morphling. I perform in an hour but I don't question the advisability of my decision as the coolness rushes through my veins, perhaps the best feeling in the world. Brule finds me an hour later, splayed out on the couch staring up at the vaulted ceilings of the room.

"Camellia, you're on in five." He barks from the doorway. When I don't answer right away, he lets the door slam shut, "Camellia! Five minutes. Can you handle that?" He looks fearful, I notice.

"What if I say no?" I answer flatly. The fear on his face is unmistakable.

"What do you mean? What do you need me to get you so that you can perform?" He asks, looking around for some magic object that would make me decide to perform.

I roll my eyes, "Relax. I'll be ready." His fear melts away instantly when he hears this. Right. He's afraid of losing the money and the fame, not that I might be ill. I should have known better.

"Okay." He lets out a shaky breath, "Good, dear. Come along then. We'll get you set up on stage."

I follow and soon I'm being pushed out onto a bright stage with sparking flames in front. A machine is buzzing and smoke starts to float over the floor. I smile, thinking it looks so much like a cloud. I'm walking on a cloud.

I start to sing the newest songs that I've prepared with Pamina. Vance is there too, dancing closely with me. Too closely, really but that's what Pamina has ordered so I just play along. By the time we get to the fifth song, I'm exhausted. The morphling is really wearing on me and I can barely think straight.

I don't notice I've made a mistake until I feel Vance's hands wrapped tightly around my upper arms. I look around and see I'm sitting on the ground, the music is still pumping minus my vocals and the crowd is staring, some whispering others just clearly shocked.

"Come on, Camellia." Vance says, just loud enough for me to hear him over the music. "You've got to keep going."

I nod slowly and let him pull me to my feet as I start singing the lyrics again. I'm not sure how I make it through the last few songs of the set but the next thing I know I'm being lead offstage by Vance. He turns to face me, concern clear on his face.

"Are you okay?" He asks. I nod silently. "You don't look so good. We should get you some water to drink, don't you think?" He asks slowly. I nod again and notice another one of my dancers hurry over to an Avox to order that water be brought back.

"Camellia, what on earth happened out there?" Brule demands angrily as he rounds the corner backstage.

I shake my head, still confused and tired, not fully understanding the situation.

"What is wrong with you?" He demands, shaking me by the shoulders roughly. It makes my head spin and I don't like it. "How much of that crap did you take?" He's shouting now and everyone has backed away, even Vance.

"I don't know." I mumble, looking down at my feet. It's a lie. At least part of it is a lie. I know what's wrong with me. I'm a ruined mess. I honestly don't know how much morphling I shot up before the performance.

He shakes me again, yelling something else at me that I don't hear. I'm still watching my glittery blue shoes, which I suppose is why I don't realize he's going to hit me until it happens. The crack of his hand against my cheek is enough to jolt me out of my drugged stupor. I look up at him wide-eyed as I bring my hand to the burning skin, taking a few steps back from him. For his part, he looks just as horrified by his actions as I do.

"Back off, Brule." A deep, familiar voice orders from behind me. "Just go back out to the party. We'll help her sober up and she'll be out as soon as she can."

Brule doesn't argue as he quickly clears the emotion from his face before walking back outside to the waiting crowds. Vance moves back to my side carrying a glass of water, which he hands to me. Hands guide me by the shoulders back into my prep room before closing the door and shutting out all the noise from the party.

I make my way slowly to the couch before letting my head fall back onto the soft cushions. It's then I see Rowan leaning up against the door, staring at me with deep creases between his eyebrows.

"Are you angry with me too?" I demand harshly, taking a sip of water.

"No." He states firmly, "I'm worried."

"Why bother?" I ask disinterestedly. Vance is sitting on the small chair near my mirror watching the scene attentively.

"Because I've never seen you get this bad, Camellia. Why did you use so much tonight?" Rowan asks, the furrows deepening in his brow.

I shrug, "I had too much time."

He opens his mouth to say something but a knock at the door stops him. He opens it and an Avox presents him with a small bag and a tiny silver container, which he takes hurriedly before shutting the door again.

"Here," He says crossing the room, sitting next to me and handing me the small bag, "Hold it on your cheek. It'll take the swelling down some."

I do as he says and let out a tiny hiss as the cool touches the searing hot of my cheek. He doesn't move from his seat and he continues to scrutinize me.

"What?" I demand, uncomfortable with his gaze.

He looks like he's going to say something but then looks over at Vance and seems to decide otherwise, "You should drink the rest of that water too. It might help flush the drug out of your system."

I finish the glass quickly and set it down beside me without a word.

"Will you go get another glass, kid?" Rowan asks, holding out the cup to Vance. He nods and grabs it from Rowan before heading out the door.

"How do you feel?" Rowan asks, turning his attention to me again.

"Tired." I answer without hesitation. "You're missing the party." I point out.

"I'm sure we won't miss too much." Rowan smirks, running a hand carelessly through his auburn hair, "Here, let me put some of this on for you. It will help get rid of the redness." He adds sliding closer to me on the couch and opening the small silver tin.

He gently takes my hand holding the ice away from my face and brushes some of the fragrant mixture over my cheek.

"We'll just leave that to work for a bit and you should be good as new." He assures, closing the tin and setting it aside. I look down and notice his knee is touching mine but I don't move away and neither does he if he notices.

"How did you know to come backstage?" I ask after a moment of silence.

"I just figured it couldn't hurt." He says with a shrug, "I thought I could help you if you weren't feeling well and, well, I figured Brule wouldn't be thrilled with the performance."

I give a sharp laugh, "I can't remember the last time Brule was thrilled by my performances." I sigh heavily, "Was it that bad?"

"Well it wasn't exactly good." He says, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "That boy really saved you though."

I nod, "He's a good guy."

"Looks a lot like Linden." He adds, watching my face for a reaction. I nod and he looks surprised by the easy admittance.

"They did that intentionally. Pamina did anyway." I explain. "He knows it too."

Rowan ducks his gaze before he asks his next question. "Does that mean you two are- you know?"

My eyes narrow before the dry laughter starts, "No. He's a nice guy but like my brother. Much to Pamina's dismay of course. She would love it if we were a couple. They could monopolize on that and make scads of money then."

An easy smile breaks across Rowan's face as well once he sees my reaction. "Oh," He chuckles, "Right. I guess it would have been all over the television if you were."

"Secrets like that don't last long in the Capitol." I agree. Vance returns then and smiles when he sees me laughing.

"Are you starting to feel better?" He questions.

I nod, "A bit." I take the glass from him and chug the water down, "Thanks."

He nods with a smile, "I have to get out there. Brule wants to introduce me to someone. Will you be okay?"

I nod along with Rowan and Vance gives one last smile before slipping back out to the party. We sit in silence for a long while just waiting until I feel clear enough to socialize.

"You've been doing a lot of saving lately. First at the club and now tonight." I point out. "Is that your new hobby or something? Your new strategy to become every Capitol woman's idol?"

He smirks, running a hand roughly over his hair, "You seem to be getting into a lot of sticky situations lately. Finnick told me about the encounter at dinner a few weeks ago."

"That wasn't even my fault." I argue.

"I wasn't saying it was." He says putting his hands up jokingly, "Just stating a fact." His face sobers up after a minute and he adds, "I am worried about you though, Camellia. You can't keep using like this. You're going to end up hurting yourself."

"Tonight was an accident." I defend. "It just got a little out of hand."

He nods, "And this time you were lucky that it was only Brule you pissed off and that there were other people around to help you-"

"You mean you." I counter, an unmistakable edge of anger in my voice, "You mean you were there to help me. I would have been able to handle it without you, Rowan. I didn't need you to save me if that's what your so concerned about."

"That's not what I meant, Camellia." He soothes, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I pull away from him even though I really don't want to. His hands are so gentle, so warm compared to what I'm used to. They remind me of home- or at least the safety I always felt there. I like the feeling of them but I'm so angry with him. He thinks I'm weak. He thinks I can't take care of myself anymore. But I can. He's not here _all_ the time. He's not even here most of the time and I can handle myself just fine. I've been protecting myself alone for over a year now and I certainly don't need him to come and sweep me off to safety anytime someone swings a hand at me.

"I think I'm feeling much better now." I say standing, only a bit unsteadily as my head spins from the quick change of position. "I'm sure I'll survive on my own long enough to see you another time, Rowan." I spit venomously before I hurry out of the room.

He only calls my name once, softly, as the door shuts behind me and I make my way out to face the audience that just saw me fall. They'll all already have their opinions formed. Some will give me the benefit of the doubt and say I tripped. Others will say that I'm an addict whose usage is out of control. I don't honestly care which excuse they claim; I don't care about anything anymore really.

…

The cold winter winds cut through the city a few days later bringing with them a snowstorm. My mother had once shown me what she called a snow globe in the window of the toyshop in town. Looking out the window of my apartment, I can imagine I'm inside one, the big fluffy snowflakes floating past me down to the bright streets below. It seems appropriate, this feeling of being in a snow globe. I can't imagine being any more cut off from the ones I love, a heavy plate of glass circling me in a beautiful world that's so painfully lonely.

Over the weeks leading into the New Year, I notice several things begin to change. The first is the lack of morphling in my cabinets. My patrons still provide me with vials each night but I find they aren't enough to get me through the day anymore. Despite my reassurance that I'm in control of my use, I can no longer keep the memories dulled without injecting a dose every few hours.

Urela notices and makes a comment here and there but she doesn't make too much fuss over it. After all, how many wine bottles litter her floor every time I visit? And if there's one thing Urela isn't it's a hypocrite. At first she would occasionally suggest, "Why don't you hold off on that until after dinner," or "Shouldn't you save some for after?" But those suggestions quickly dwindle instead replaced with her own bottle of liquor to calm her nightmares.

Eventually, I start dipping into the funds that I should be sending back to District 7 but what they don't know wont hurt them. The man I've been using sells quality morphling but it comes at a high price. I can't afford to buy the morphling I need without taking some from them. Sometimes the guilt of stealing from my family eats away at the back of my mind. When those times come and I can't stand it anymore, I pull up an extra dose from a vial.

Brule doesn't comment so long as it doesn't affect my performance. After the night of the Victory Tour, he never touches me. He sends disapproving looks my way but never raises a finger in my direction. One night late in December he decides to call off the concert when I walk in, "You're too ill to perform tonight." He informs me as he sends me out the back door. I am too numb to argue and the memories are rushing over me despite all the morphling.

Come New Years Eve, Urela and I sit on the couch in her apartment each with our weapon of choice in hand as we watch an announcer count down. A blizzard blew through the city last night, which was the excuse I gave Brule as to why I wouldn't be attending any parties tonight. He looked me up and down once and didn't argue despite the fact that my popularity has been plummeting. It seems like we've been cancelling concerts more often than not of late, or at least Brule has. I still have plenty of calls from patrons though which I guess is the only reason he's still keeping me around.

The screen flashes backwards from ten until fireworks start bursting across the screen, which we could also see from the window though we don't turn to look.

"Happy New Year, Urela." I say pointing the syringe at my elbow.

"May the odds be in our favor this year," She says doing her best Capitol accent before taking a long swig from her bottle.

"Look at us. When did this happen? When did we become such big fuck ups?" I ask after the initial coolness of the morphling begins to fade.

She gives a barking laugh, "I don't know about you but I think it was about the time I came to the Capitol."

Laughter starts to bubble up and out of my lips in response. She's right. Of course she's right. I don't think Urela's ever been wrong about anything since I've met her.

After a while my laughter dies and we sit in silence, each enjoying the rush from our selected drug. The announcer on the television is dancing with some other young partygoers. The screen flashes from party to party across the city. It seems we might be the only two people who didn't leave their apartments tonight judging by the number of bodies packed into every club they show.

"I go home this year." I whisper, a hint of surprise in my voice as if I'm surprised by the idea even though it was my own mind that thought of it. Time seems to have moved painfully slow and yet fast all at once. Perhaps I was beginning to think I'd never return home and I'd be stuck in the Capitol forever.

"Cheers." Urela says taking another long drink. "One more year for me." She adds and I watch a new announcer on the television as she marks all the best moments of this year including the best killings in the Games. Blood abound in the clips but Urela doesn't look away, grimacing instead, eyes still trapped by the screen.

"I don't even know if I'll go home when my time is up." Urela whispers, still staring at the screen.

"What do you mean? Of course you'll go home! You don't belong here!" I argue.

She shakes her head, "I can't go back home. Like you said, I'm fucked up. What will they do with me there?"

I think for a moment and realize that she might have a point. What use does a district have for a girl practically raised in the Capitol? What does she know about working in factories? What does her family need her for if they've managed to survive without her for ten years?

"They'll have seen me on the television. I can't face them knowing what they must think of me." She says sadly, sounding entirely too sober for the amount of wine she's already drunk tonight but this is the real bullet. It's the same for all of us district kids brought to the city. We have been turned into something that we know we should be ashamed of. How can we go home knowing that?

"Sure you can." I say even though I know she has a valid point. I rest my head on her shoulder and she leans into me before I add, "You're the bravest girl I know, Urela. You just have to be brave."

"I'm just so tired." She whispers and I can hear the tears thick in her voice. I remember saying nearly the same thing to Rowan months ago and I know she means more than the simple words imply. I don't say anything though and we both ignore the tears that slip down into my hair.

…

"I haven't seen much in the way of new music coming from you lately, Camellia." One of Collum's business partner comments at a business dinner that he's brought me along to.

I smile and lie, something I'm getting much better at recently, "We've been working on some things actually. We're just perfecting them before the release." Truthfully, Pamina has been coaching me on several new songs for the past few weeks but I can't seem to get any of them entirely right.

He gives a knowing smile, "Well, I look forward to hearing them. Collum, I was wondering if we could have a word with you about the marble shipment from two. I thought we could go enjoy a smoke and leave the ladies to talk about more interesting pursuits."

"Of course. Excuse us ladies." Collum states standing to following the three other businessmen at the dinner. I look at the three high society women around the table. They all know one another well since they attend all the same parties. I've talked to them in the past of course but never more than a few shallow words before moving on to the next guest.

I wait a few minutes before I excuse myself to the bathroom where I efficiently shoot up again. It's becoming impossible not to remember. I breathe deeply as I let the rush of cool take me over and tears stream down my face. I'm just now beginning to realize I'm trying to outrun a monster that's only going to catch me in the end.

I wipe away the tears quickly and run a hand through my hair before going to face the Capitol wives again. Eventually Collum and the other men return, ending the dinner not much later. This night proceeds just like the hundreds of others before it except this night I can't stop thinking. I try to let the morphling haze pull me under but it won't. It's not strong enough as flashes of nightmares cross my mind like the Capitol speed trains.

Over the next several weeks, my use escalates to the point that I'm using near lethal amounts of morphling just to dull the pain of the memories that won't stop surfacing. I can't get back to that stage of apathy anymore but it doesn't stop me from trying by shooting triple the amount I ever did when I started using.

The days become more blurred and I'm not sure how I get around to my appointments. Somehow though, I manage to function and continue my work. I even release a new song that soars to number one instantly. It ought to with all the talk of sex in it and the Capitol citizens just eat it up. Even so, people still talk. I'm not drugged out enough to miss their whispers and the blaring headlines. Camellia Goldenlarch: Drugs or Insanity? Personally I might prefer the latter. At least then I wouldn't have enough of a mind to care about my thoughts.

...

One night, after the Reaping but before the start of the Games, President Snow throws an extravagant party for all the mentors and Victors along with the important officials of the Games. It's almost fascinating watching the Victors. Some are thrilled to be there. Enobaria and Brutus are clearly enjoying themselves. Others skulk along the outer edges of the room, hoping not to be noticed. I spot Johanna along the wall opposite me talking with Finnick, looking far too serious for a party.

I glance around and spot Harper engrossed in a conversation with Seneca Crane. I look down to my fidgeting hands, regretting my decision to use the last of the morphling I brought with me a few hours ago. I thought we would be leaving by now. I figure he's busy enough not to notice my absence so I slip out onto the empty balcony and lean over the railing.

The bruises on my arms catch my eye in the bright neon lights of the Capitol. Milo Hook gave them to me last night after a sarcastic comment slipped from my lips. That's the only real problem with shooting up all this morphling; I can't always filter my thoughts and actions. I'm still not entirely sure what I said to him but it set him off and he made sure I paid for my transgression. Elexia had been able to cover most of the bruises with makeup but these on my forearms are so black and blue that they show through when the lighting is just right even with the heaviest layer of makeup. Then again she can't completely hide the track marks anymore either and no one ever comments about those. I don't expect anyone is going to mention a couple bruises.

"Don't try to jump." A familiar voice says calmly behind me with a joking undertone, "There's a force field. It'll just toss you back up here." He steps up next to me looking dashing as ever in his black suit. I haven't seen Rowan in months, not since the night I fell on stage and got angry with him, but he's hardly changed at all. Why would he anyway? He's handsome exactly the way he is. I know as he looks at me I must look like a wreck; I sure do feel like one as my hands visibly tremble.

I let out a bitter laugh, "They won't even let me kill myself if I want to." He frowns when he notices that there's no joke in my tone.

"Don't talk like that, Camellia." He says softly reaching for my hand nearest to him which I weakly try and fail to pull away. He sees the bruises and sucks in a sharp breath, grabbing for my other hand as well. Of course, he's not from the Capitol, so he asks, "What happened to your arms?"

I tug my hands more forcefully this time and free them from his grasp. I cover my face with them, "I can't keep doing this, Rowan. I'm going insane. All I want is to forget and I can't. I just don't want to care anymore." I say turning around and letting my back slide down the railings, balancing my forehead on my knees as I sit.

Rowan lets out a deep sigh as I hear him sit down next to me before he whispers, "You're not insane, Camellia. You're reacting to a completely horrible world. It's normal, what you're feeling. You'll be home soon though."

I turn my head to look at him, leveling my gaze with his own evergreen eyes for a moment before replying, "I can't go back."

His eyebrows furrow in confusion, "Why not? You haven't renewed a contract have you?" I can almost detect an edge of panic in his voice as he asks the question.

I shake my head, "I can't face them, Rowan," I whisper, acutely aware of the deluge of emotions waiting to break loose from me at any moment.

"Who?"

"Holly... and especially Ash." I say, choking on the words.

"They still miss you, Camellia. Whatever they've seen, they still ask about you every time I get home from the Capitol. They still need you." He counters sympathetically.

I shake my head slowly, "They won't even know who I am anymore." Then as an afterthought I add, "I don't even know who I am anymore, Rowan."

He places a gentle, feather light hand to my cheek as a stern look covers his own, "You, are Camellia Goldenlarch. You raised your brother and sister since you were fourteen. They love you more than any words can begin to describe. You are a fighter and you've never let them down before. You can face them with your head held high because you did all this for them, to save them."

It's all too much. I don't understand why he's taken such an interest in me since I came to the Capitol but he has no right to tell me these things. He doesn't know me. He wouldn't be saying these things if he did because they're not true. They're too nice and they give me too much credit. I hate to admit it, but I have a better set of words to describe me, though only one is really necessary.

I'm Camellia Goldenlarch the girl who sold herself to a Capitol entrepreneur who feeds off of the young, beautiful bodies of children from starving districts. I'm Camellia, the girl who sings and dances how she's told to. I'm the girl who couldn't fight hard enough the night a man first attacked her. I'm the girl who couldn't make the hard decisions and so I let the Capitol use my body for it's own pleasure. I'm the girl who gave into the sweet whispers of a drug that is no longer strong enough to save me from myself.

I'm a disaster.

Anyone who says otherwise is lying to himself. Rowan Carson is no exception. The tears start suddenly and once they begin there's no stopping them.

"Shhh, Camellia," Rowan murmurs, sliding closer to me and wrapping and arm over my shoulders, "It's going to be okay. You'll be home and safe soon."

Everyone always says that Victors are good liars but I've never had experience with it myself until now. Rowan is an excellent liar because when he says I'll be okay it sounds like he really means it. It's obvious however that this couldn't be farther from the truth. He doesn't say anything else, instead brushing a hand through my hair pulling it back from my tear streaked face. It's comforting but I don't think there's any comfort in the world that could stop the sobs wracking my body.

Eventually, Harper notices I'm missing and finds me there on the balcony, hysterical next to Rowan Carson, Victor of the 67th Hunger Games. He doesn't pay me that night and drops me off unceremoniously at my apartment, for which I am eternally grateful since I still can't breath evenly as I enter my apartment.

**AN:** That's it folks! I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think by leaving a review if you have the time. Also, if you would like I now have a twitter ( TheGirlofD7) that you can follow. I don't use it much but I'll be posting the status of chapters and such there so if you don't follow on tumblr you can there. You can also go there and tell me to get my butt into gear if I'm not posting regularly ;)


	24. Chapter 24- Milo Hook

**AN: ** Thank you to everyone who reviewed, added to alerts, or favorited! I appreciate your support more than you could understand. I'm still trying to decide what to write for our 100,000 word celebration so please if you have any ideas- review, PM, or message me on my tumblr!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins therefore I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 24- Milo Hook**

A week later, Milo calls from work asking for my company at his apartment this evening. I assure him I will be there waiting for him when he gets home. I don't bother calling Elexia. I've learned enough to do my own makeup and the clothes will be removed soon enough.

He walks into the bedroom with a half empty bottle of brown liquor in his hand and even in the haze of morphling I recognize that tonight will be a bad one, one of the worst. He's always the cruelest when he drinks first. He doesn't say a word as he approaches me and proceeds to toss me back onto the bed like some pathetic ragdoll. Something doesn't seem right; this isn't his normal sick fetish- he's angry.

I try to push him off of me as he roughly fondles my body like he owns it, which I suppose at the moment he does but I don't like the way he's looking at me. "Milo." I say his name, hoping it might bring him back to his senses.

His hand hits my face before I even see him reach it up into the air. The room goes black for a moment before the color starts to fade back in, bringing the pain with it. Tears spring up in my eyes, but he yanks me by a handful of hair before I can fully recover from the shock of his last assault.

"Pathetic little bitch." He says, too close to my ear, his hot smelly breath causing the hairs on my neck to prickle. "You deserve this. You deserve all of it."

Something lights up in the pit of my stomach, a weak flame of anger. I don't know where it comes from since I was sure all the anger had been drained out of me during my time in the Capitol, leaving behind a hollow being. Maybe it was everything Rowan said last week. Maybe he was right and I am a fighter. But if it's true and I'm not a lost cause, then I don't have to put up with this man trying to force my legs apart, my legs covered in bruises from his and so many other's hands.

"No I don't." I state flatly but firmly. Looking through my morphling haze and into his eyes. I can see a fire in him too, one that's out of control. "I don't." I repeat, the tiny flame turning into a fire coursing through my blood, warming my cold morphling fed limbs with life and a vigor I thought I had lost forever.

"You don't?" He repeats slowly, raising an eyebrow as he wraps a hand around my neck, pushing me flatly back onto the bed.

I don't say anything but I keep my eyes on his and watch as something snaps inside him. It's strange to watch, nothing outwardly changes but I can sense the complete loss of any restraint he'd had.

His hand tightens around my throat while the other comes down across my still pulsing cheek again. He slides himself up my body, sitting on my chest like a rock, making it impossible to suck any air in even if his hand wasn't collapsing my throat. Blackness starts to encroach on my vision, his face the only thing I'm still able to focus on.

"I think that you might want to check that attitude, Camellia." He says calmly, tightening his hand just a second more before releasing me. I sputter and take gasping breaths, the cool air never so glorious in my entire life.

He doesn't wait for me to stop panting before he forces my mouth open and shoves his only source of masculinity in, effectively choking me again. I struggle beneath his weight, kicking my legs in hopes that he might somehow lose his balance and fall off of me but he doesn't seem to notice as he pumps above me, moaning. The morphling isn't enough to dull my self-hatred at this moment.

"You bitch!" He screams at me, still straddling my face. Something snapped inside me and my body reacted without my mind's permission but it works quickly to catch up. I'm not sure what I've done until I see the blood flowing from him. I bit him. A maniacal grin spreads across my face as a cackle escapes my lips. His face is red but whether from pain or anger I can't decide.

"You think that's funny?" He roars, ripping me off the bed and throwing me to the floor. I'm still laughing even as he kicks me. I don't think my mind is sane anymore. I notice suddenly that I'm wet and see he's pouring the bottle of brown liquor on me. My demented laughter is only renewed at this. He deserved it. He deserved all of it. Not me.

He wrenches my body up from the ground and starts dragging me by the hair towards the artificial fireplace. What is he doing? He's never done this before. Usually he just beats me to the brink of unconsciousness then gets his pleasure from me before sending me home. My laughter stops short when something clicks in my brain and I realize what he's going to do.

"Don't Milo!" I screech, trying to twist myself farther from the flames. But I can't truly comprehend what's coming until my still dripping skin touches the flames and ignites.

Pain. Indescribable pain. My body tries to move away from it but it's part of me now. I am it and it is me. I can't get away from it. A terrifying scream fills my ears and I have a feeling it is probably mine.

Roll. My mind tells me so I do. My father's voice whispers, "Rolling stomps the fire out, Camellia. It can save a person's life." I don't know if I want to save my life. I don't think this pain will ever go away but I roll anyway.

The flames are gone but the pain is not. It feels like my skin has taken in the fire and it burns deeper into me. Milo is gone. I know that much because I hear the door slam to his apartment. Good. I can die alone in peace. It's more than I could have hoped for really.

Death doesn't come though. Just more pain. I lay there for what must be hours waiting for the pain to leave me; for my eyes to close one last time, but the end just won't come. Even now the Capitol has found a way to prolong this suffering.

Someone walks into the room; only the hurried, quiet footfalls alert me to his presence. He makes a strange noise in the back of his throat but I hear him leave without a single word. I don't bother opening my eyes to see who it was. It doesn't matter. I'm just waiting to die now.

It must be nearly an eternity before two sets of feet enter the room again. This time they don't have the courtesy to remain silent though.

"Camellia!" I hear Urela shout as she turns me over and her face floats above mine. It figures. She's never been silent in her life I don't think.

"Shit." She yells, looking at me for just a moment before walking off. Is she leaving me here to die too? Couldn't she at least show some mercy and help speed the process along?

I look and see my driver, the Avox, is near the door. That must have been him earlier that made the strange noise. He must have hurried back to the apartments to get Urela to help. He slowly approaches me, kneeling down beside my charred body. Then, gentle as a breeze, he runs a hand through my hair. My hair. It must not have caught fire and burnt in the flame. I stare at him for a moment, trying to thank him with my gaze. He understands. I know he does so I close my eyes and try to focus on his gentle touch instead of the pain raging through my body.

Urela returns a few minutes later. "You're going to be all right," she tells me. A lie, my brain registers; the first one Urela has ever told me. I will never be all right again. The Capitol has made sure of that.

It must be ages later when the Avox's hand leaves my hair and I can feel someone moving my body. The pain rears its head and I can't help but release its haunting scream from inside me. Finally, as they set me down on a board, the black fingers of unconsciousness pull me under for which I can never be thankful enough.

...

When I wake up, the world is white and bright. Too bright, I can't help but think as I squint my eyes. I look around as my eyes adjust. There are tubes running from my arms.

Hospital.

The word drifts into my mind. And then I remember why I am here. I was burned but there's no pain anymore; this must be what the tubes are doing.

I notice the bandages next. There's one on my right forearm below the tubes. And another is on my thigh. Slowly I move my left hand to lift up the thin gown covering me and I see the right side of my torso is completely covered in white gauze.

A nurse walks in and smiles when she sees I am awake, "Hello, Camellia, are you feeling any pain?" She asks.

I lie, "Yes." It's not entirely a lie of course. My thoughts hurt. I don't want to be here, able to think.

She moves over to the machine my tubes are connected to and hits a few buttons. I start to drift away almost instantly but the morphling isn't working the way I wish it would. I can still remember and think but I can't move. So I sit there for hours that seem like an eternity, reliving all the memories I've worked so hard to keep away. By the time my eyes open, I'm reduced to sobs that actually cause the burns to hurt.

A doctor comes in with a syringe and sticks it into my left, unscathed thigh. This stuff is different and it makes me relax. It slows the world back down like my morphling always did. I welcome it and fall into a semiconscious sleep.

Urela is there when I wake up again. She's wearing a grim look on her face and it's the first time I can remember that she didn't look beautiful. The dark circles under her eyes tell me she hasn't been sleeping well and her hair is mussed in such a way that makes me sure she spent the night in the chair.

"Hey." She speaks when she sees that I'm awake, "How do you feel?"

"How do I look?" I reply.

She smiles darkly, "Like shit." I nod.

We're silent for a moment, observing one another but there's not much I can offer in the way of conversation.

"You had me pretty worried there." She says softly after a while.

I look up and see the real fear in her face as she continues to watch me, "Don't go getting soft on me now, Urela." I say and she chuckles.

"I'm not." She smiles weakly, "I was just worried that you might not be around so I could steal your food." I smile half-heartedly and we lapse into silence for a long time again. Urela sits back in her chair and starts to doze off. I can't fall asleep like her though. I need more medication. I can feel the trembling starting up in my body again and my stomach churns excitedly when I think about shooting up.

"Why didn't you just let me die?" I ask quietly. Urela opens her eyes and stares for a moment, as though wondering whether she'd heard me correctly or not.

"I couldn't just leave you there like that." She frowns like the answer is obvious.

"It would have been better." I reply flatly, "I can't handle this anymore, Urela."

She shakes her head and leans in to cover my hand with hers, "You can too. It's just rough right now. You'll pull through- you're the strongest girl I know."

I smile because I had told her the same thing only a short while ago but I don't believe it anymore. I can't imagine my future anymore- or at least I don't want to. I don't say any of this though, instead letting Urela fall asleep. The nurse comes in and gives me another dose of pain medication and I fall asleep not long after. When I wake up, it's late in the night and Urela is gone; out with some Patron I'm sure.

…

"I talked with Milo this morning," Brule says two weeks later from his position standing at the foot of my bed. He's visited several times to update me on the status of my healing but he still won't look me in the eye. "He says that it's truly a tragedy that you stumbled into that fire. He wishes he could have been there to stop you. It's just such an unlucky combination of events that he arrived home late."

Brule knows it's not the truth of what happened but he doesn't seem like he wants to hear it so I let him remain in his delusion.

"They say you'll be ready to be released tomorrow. The wounds are stable enough that they can be cared for at home."

The thought strikes me that the grafts couldn't possibly be close to fully healed but I don't care enough to point it out. I just stare at the bejeweled man who finds me too horrifying to even look at now. They haven't let me look in a mirror yet but I'm not an idiot. I know it must be horrible by the reactions I'm getting.

"Urela can help." I mumble.

"Oh no." Brule says looking at me in surprise for the first time since I arrived at the hospital, "You'll be going back to District 7."

I'm not sure I understand and my brow furrows. Brule puts on that annoying patronizing face that he uses when he wants to tell me something that he knows I won't like hearing.

"Let's face it, Camellia. You were running an uphill battle these last few months. The Capitol has started to notice the songbird of seven's drug habits. And now..." He looks away again, "With all the burns… it's just not a financially sound decision to bring your body back to perfection for a few more lack luster months. We're breaking the contract early and letting you go home."

I stare at him in shock. So this is all it took then? Months of suffering and trying to banish the memories; when all I had to do was mutilate my body before I would get to go home.

"I have to get going. We have a new girl coming in from two. She's showing a lot of promise. Good luck, Camellia." He says before swiftly leaving me alone in my room.

They've found a replacement already. Brule should be wishing her luck, not me. I can't help but stare at the doorway in shock, waiting for Brule to come back in and retract the entire conversation. He doesn't come back though and I fall asleep that night wondering how I'll ever manage to show face in District 7 again but knowing that I don't have any choice in the matter.

Late the next morning, I am discharged with an envelope containing written directions about caring for my burns. My driver is there and he gives a sad smile before shutting me safely in the car. I really must look awful if an Avox feels bad for me. When the car stops, we're outside of the train station. When my Avox opens the door, I slip my hand into his and give it a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you." I whisper, the first thing I've ever said to him and it's not very truthful. I'm not glad he got Urela and helped save my life but I feel like he deserves to be thanked for his effort. It's not like I'd done anything for him to deserve it. Another Avox appears at that moment and my Avox gives the smallest of smiles before I'm shown to my compartment on the train.

"Where are my things?" I ask before the Avox leaves.

She points to a single bag lying on the seat and slides the door shut behind me. I cross the small room and open it up. It's the same bag I brought with me on the train to the Capitol and in it are the same possessions. Tears stream down my face as I pull out the photo of Holly and Ash followed by the one of my parents.

As daylight begins to fade, the pain starts again and it feels like the weeks in the hospital have done nothing to quell the invisible flames licking at my skin. I frantically paw through the bag for the morphling that I know was in the cabinets at home but no vials present themselves. I turn the bag over desperately searching for a glint of one of those tiny glass bottles but it's useless. There are none to be had. As a last slap in the face, the Capitol has stolen my only source of solace.

It's the wee hours of the morning by the time a train attendant drags my pitiful, moaning body from the train, leaving me to my own devices once I hit the platform. I can't think clearly but I know that I can't stay here in such a public place. There's someone I don't want to see me.

Somehow I manage to drag myself across the town square before I collapse in a blinding wave of pain. I lie there and think how ironic it is that I'm laying on the ground with all the paper and other tossed away garbage littering the streets. I'm the Capitol's garbage now, used up and thrown away.

I don't know how long I lie there before a set of unsteady feet stop next to me. Arms close around me and lift me off the ground. I want to yell at them and tell them to just leave me. Why won't people just leave me alone and let nature take its course? It has to be easier to die than this. But before I gather the whereabouts to say any of this, I drift into unconsciousness again.

I'm in a room with wooden walls when I wake up again and find that there's a cool sensation around the burns. The light pouring into the room leads me to believe that it's late in the evening and the sun is starting to set. I turn my head and see a glass of water on the table next to me, which I drink greedily. I can't help but notice the tremor in my hands as I bring the glass unsteadily to my lips. Something is gnawing at my stomach and I wish there was a vial of morphling sitting on the table as well but, of course, there isn't.

Juni walks in not long after I wake up with a tired smile, "Glad to see you're awake sweetheart."

My breathing turns shallow and quick as I pull the covers up higher. She can't see me like this. No one can.

"You've been asleep almost two days." She says before she notices my reaction and gives a sympathetic look, "Don't be embarrassed, Camellia."

I'm not embarrassed. At least, I don't think I am. I feel... weak... bitter... broken. I don't want people to see how far I've fallen. So I guess that does hint at embarrassment but I'm not about to admit that to her.

"You're burns are healing well, dear." She says sitting in an old, rickety chair next to me. "I need to change the bandages again. It will hurt quite a bit but I promise it will be quick." She waits for me to say something, anything, but I don't. I don't know what she wants me to say and it's been so long since I've been left to think on my own without any morphling to help me.

She gently tugs the covers from my fists and pulls them down. She's right. It does hurt. A lot. A moan escapes my lips as she pulls the bandage gently from my leg. She makes quick work of it, as promised, and I feel a renewed cooling sensation on my skin as she puts an ointment on. The same process is repeated as she works up my torso until she reaches the last bandage that sits just below my right breast. I chance a look down and groan pitifully at the sight. The center of the burn has been grafted but it's still horrid looking and the angry red skin surrounding it doesn't make it any prettier.

"Don't worry, it always looks worse at first. These will heal up just fine. You're lucky they grafted them. They would have been much trickier to heal without the grafts." Juni murmurs assuredly as she covers the burn with a fresh bandage.

She covers me back up and gently pulls my chin so I face her, "Just this last one on your jaw."

"I need something for the pain." I plead hoarsely once she's finished. I don't miss the look of pity that crosses her face before she turns away.

"We don't have anything like that here, Camellia." She whispers soothingly, "I can give you willow bark tea but there's nothing stronger available."

"Please." I beg with a quivering voice.

"These next few days will be dreadful," she admits truthfully, "but there's no morphling here to help wean you off. You can get through it though dear. We'll help you."

I take a few shaky breaths as the gnawing in my stomach comes back with a vengeance, "How did I get here?"

"Rowan Carson found you in the town square the other night." Juni explains as she gathers up all the dirty bandages she'll have to clean. As an afterthought she adds, "He comes by every night to sit with you so I can sleep."

"Why?" I groan as a wave of nausea washes over me.

"Maybe you should ask him that when he gets here." She says handing me an old bucket, "Do it in there if you can. I'll bring you some mint tea once it's ready," and she walks from the room.

I vomit and the pain is blinding as I do so. The burns on my torso protest angrily as I hunch over the bucket feeling completely miserable. The tea that Juni brings helps some, but it comes back up within the hour, as does the broth she tries to get me to eat. She leaves me a tray of bread and water to eat whenever I feel like I can keep it down.

I hear the door creak open as my stomach empties itself again late in the evening. I look up and see Rowan standing there with that same look of concern he wore all those weeks ago on the balcony at the party. It makes me want to vomit all over again.

"Do I really look that bad?" I ask bitterly still leaning on my bucket.

"You look awful." He replies honestly as he takes the chair next to my bed, "Absolutely miserable."

"Sounds about right." I mumble as I lay back in bed.

"You're covered in sweat," He says reaching to wet a cloth and setting it on my head.

"I feel like I'm on fire," I say with a barking a laugh, "literally."

This elicits a wry smile as he wipes the cloth gently over my temple and down my neck, "You should drink some tea. Losing too much water will just make it worse."

I take the cup from him and slosh some of its contents on the sheets immediately with my trembling hand. He doesn't say anything but gives a sad sigh, recognizing what's going on. After a few sips, I hand it back to him, thoughts slowly clicking away in my withdrawal-riddled mind.

"Juni says you're symptoms should start to get better by tomorrow." He tells me softly, "She says usually they're worse during the first three days and since this is your third day off the morphling cold-"

"You could get me some." I say suddenly as the thought clicks into place like a light has gone on inside my mind.

"What?" He asks as his brow furrows.

"You're a Victor. You have more money than you know what to do with and the Capitol would give you anything. You could buy morphling." I explain quickly with an edge of desperation in my voice.

"No." He says, gently shaking his head leaning away from me back into his chair.

"Please, Rowan. I need this." I beg with a trembling voice, "I just need a little. Just enough to get me through the night." It doesn't occur to me that even if he were willing to buy the morphling, it would take about a week to arrive in a Capitol shipment.

"I can't, Camellia." He whispers, "Juni said it would be almost impossible for you to stop if we try to wean you off. I told her about how much you used in the Capitol-"

"WHAT?" I scream, terror washing over me, "Why would you do that?"

"She needed to know." He states in a low tone, trying to calm me down as he reaches for my hand.

"No!" I yell, and push his hand roughly away from me despite the protesting of my burns. "Why won't you help me?" I demand, my voice cracking.

"I'm trying to." He says in a pleading tone, "Camellia, keeping you away from the morphling is the only way to help you."

"I hate you!" I yell and I might have slapped him across the face judging by the look he gives me, "Get away from me! You could help, but you're just like them; just like those Capitol bastards! You want to watch me suffer!" The sobs rush over me and shake my body causing more pain as the burns are stretched.

"Camellia-" He tries but I cut him off with my screams again.

"GET OUT!"

He stares at me, clearly startled by my reactions, but stands slowly and makes his way out the door without another word. He doesn't understand and I can't explain that it's as if another being has taken over my body. It's inside of me, eating away at me, hurting, and it wants the drug that only Rowan has the power to give me. There's no way I can make him understand this before he's closed the door behind him though. I can hear tense muffled words exchanged between he and Juni before the front door closes. No one comes in after that so I lie alone trying to sleep for hours as I watch the moon rise through the window beside my bed. I doze off occasionally only to be woken by the vivid nightmares I've been running away from for two years, some even longer than that.

As the sun rises a new terror takes over, wave after wave of nausea overtakes me. Just when I'm sure I must be a death's door, the nausea eases away like an ebbing tide. By the time the sun sets, the symptoms have calmed enough that I manage to keep down the broth Juni brings me.

Rowan doesn't return that night, nor the night after. Three nights after my fit, I sit shivering in bed, another side effect of withdrawal, albeit not nearly as distressing as the nausea. The need for morphling is still gnawing at my stomach but I seem to be getting used to it.

There's a soft knock at the door as it creaks open slowly, "Hey." Rowan says softly before crossing my room to sit in the chair.

I don't say anything at first, the gnawing in my stomach reminding me how angry I still am with him. He doesn't seem to mind this though. He probably prefers my silence to my screaming and I can't really blame him. He simply sits back in his chair, hands folded in his lap and eyes closed.

We sit there silently for a long time before I decide to break the silence, "Why are you here?"

"Juni needed a break." He says with a shrug.

"Where have you been?" There's a slight pause before he answers this time.

"Drinking, since I left the other night. I woke up this morning and figured I should show face again." He says coolly, not making eye contact.

I nod and the silence resumes again. I'm nearly asleep when I remember the first question I asked Juni, "Why did you bring me here?"

He looks at me with heavy eyes and I know he's falling asleep too, "I found you crying from the pain in the town square. I couldn't just leave you there. Not even if I was drunk."

He leans his head back against the chair again and we both drift off to sleep. The nightmares plague me again only this time I can't seem to wake up from them; there's just one after another, each more horrifying than the next.

"Camellia," Rowan says softly as he shakes my left, burn free shoulder gently. I open my eyes and see the pale light of dawn leaking into the room. "You were thrashing around."

Yes, I was. My torso is throbbing from it. I take a deep breath and sigh.

"Did you sleep?" I inquire.

He shrugs, "As much as I ever do."

I know what he means. We're silent for a moment before another thought floats to the forefront of my tired mind.

"I'm sorry." I whisper gently, "For saying what I did the other night. I was in a lot of pain but I shouldn't have said all those things. You're not like them and I don't really hate you."

"I know." He whispers back, sighing before adding, "I don't want to watch you suffer though, Camellia. That's why we're doing this."

"I'm pretty sure this is one of the slowest forms of torture, Rowan." I state dryly.

"Ash and Holly don't know you're here. No one does, except Juni and I." He says giving me a soft look, "I want you to be healthy before you have to face them. So they don't have to see their brave older sister like this."

My brow furrows. I had completely forgotten that Ash and Holly are only a few miles away. I'm back nearly three months earlier than I should have returned so no one would be expecting me. I arrived in the middle of the night so, of course, only a wandering drunk like Rowan would have seen me.

I nod, accepting this gesture of kindness, "Thank you."

He smiles wryly, "It's the least you deserve."

"I don't deserve anything. I'm a pathetic addict from the Capitol." I reply sarcastically as I reach for a chunk of bread sitting on the bedside table.

"You've also survived." He shrugs throwing me a sidelong glance, "The odds were against you the entire time. Most district entertainers never make it back out of the Capitol alive. That earns you points in my book."

"Oh, okay." I say mockingly, "I've earned Rowan Carson points. That changes everything."

He smiles wryly, "And you're not pathetic."

"Then what am I? I'm certainly not normal." I murmur more as a thought than as an actual question.

He doesn't respond for a moment until he softly says, "You're broken."

I look at him but he's staring at his hands folded in his lap.

"You're a broken songbird. You just need to learn how to fly again."

"I'm a girl, Rowan. I don't even have wings. Humans can't fly."

"You don't need wings to fly, Camellia. It's a metaphor and you've been flying for years all on your own." I don't know what to say in response so I settle for silence as the night envelopes us and I doze off again.

We carry on in a civil manner for several nights. We have broken conversation and restless sleep but he shows up without fail every evening as the sun sets. I start to admit that I welcome his company. It makes the nightmares less terrifying if there's someone there to talk to when I wake up breathless.

...

Flames are there to greet me. I'm running down a narrow path as they shoot up beside me but I can't seem to get ahead of them. Then I start to hear the cheers. I look between two bursts of flames and see the theater full of people looking not at all horrified that the fire is closing in on me. They're enjoying it. A burst of flames catches me and they roar even louder, drowning out my screams of pain.

"Camellia." Rowan is shaking me awake again.

I open my eyes, frozen in terror and panting.

"You're okay. It was just another nightmare." He whispers and I hear him splashing water around, "You're covered in sweat again."

It's been nearly a week and most of the symptoms of withdrawal have faded. The last holdouts are the restless nights and gnawing stomach pains but I'm starting to doubt either will ever really go away.

He wipes my brow gently as I try to slow my breathing down again. My hands move to cover the gnawing in my stomach and I turn on my side hoping that this will help. It doesn't. Rowan sits back and watches me in silence.

"Why aren't you out drinking? You're not in the Capitol." I whisper as the thought comes to mind. Normally he only remains relatively sober during his time in the Capitol. All bets are off when he returns to seven and has no responsibilities to uphold.

"Juni needs me here to watch you." He offers easily.

I roll my eyes indignantly, "I don't need to be watched. What does she think I'm going to do?"

He stares at me pointedly and doesn't answer for a moment, "I guess maybe she thinks you'll try and jump the railing."

"Well, there aren't any railings high enough to jump from in this house. The fall wouldn't even break my leg." I retort, conjuring up the memories of our conversations about jumping balconies.

He smiles sadly at me, "There are other ways, Camellia, if you really wanted to. She just wants to keep you safe."

"I won't try anything if you want to leave." I mumble, "I promise."

He heaves a heavy sigh before leaning his elbows on the edge of my bed so his face is even with mine, "I've actually still been trying to give it up- drinking that is."

I give a sharp laugh at this, "Really? Rowan Carson is honestly giving up his one true love?"

He nods with an ironic smile, "I know. Doesn't seem like it's working well does it? I was doing really well until that night you came home. I'd been sober for about a month. Then I got a call from Snow that day and it really got me worked up. I just lost it. I realized what I was doing before I was too far-gone and decided to take a walk. That's how I found you." He pats my hand nearest him as he says this last sentence.

"And then, the first two nights after you came to, well, I guess you just made me think about things I didn't really care to think about at all." He explains with a sad smile.

"What made you decide to stop?" I ask, completely fascinated. I can hardly remember a Rowan Carson who didn't drink himself into a raging stupor every other night. He didn't always, of course. Before the Games, he was just a normal sixteen-year-old boy. But that was so many years ago now.

"You, actually."

I laugh loudly at this, "I was that bad? You didn't want to end up as tragic as me?"

"No, not exactly." He says and a thoughtful look crosses his face, "I watched you get pulled under by the morphling. That was awful to watch but it wasn't enough to make me quit. I guess it was that night after I helped you home from the club. You scared me half to death. I wanted to quit so I could be there for you when you came home.

"When you said that you hated yourself, I realized I felt the same way most of the time. I despised myself for what I've done. Sometimes I still do when I think of those children I murdered, or what I let the Capitol do to me. But what I told you was true; the Capitol forced us to be those people. I did what I had to in order to survive. I still am."

He pauses for a moment, watching for my reaction when he adds, "So are you."

I smile half-heartedly, "And now that you're off the bottle you've become a poetic sap?"

He laughs earnestly and it completely transforms him. His eyes light up and cheeks flush as the rolling laughter bubbles up from deep in his belly. He runs a hand through his auburn hair, which even slightly mussed as it is, glints perfectly in the moonlight.

"Well I prefer 'more pensive'." He retorts with a broad smile that is contagious. I feel the corners of my lips turn up slightly and the feeling is so foreign to me a hand rises to my face automatically. It's just a weak little smile, but it's real. It's not blindingly fake like they have been so often for the past two years.

Rowan sees my reaction and his smile brightens even further. We sit there smiling like two idiots for some time before our cheeks hurt and we decide it would be best if we tried to get some sleep again before dawn.

"Good night, Camellia." He says giving my hand a gentle squeeze before settling back in his chair.

"Good night, Rowan." I mumble just before my mind drifts off to its tumultuous dreamland.

**AN:** There you have it folks! Well I have finals coming up in two weeks so I may not be able to get the next part up in exactly one week but I'll do my best. I still want to write up something special for the 100,000 word mark so please, please, please, if you have any ideas or things you'd really like to see me write about, let me know! I really want you're input on this! Hope you all have a lovely week!


	25. Chapter 25- Can't Go Back Now

**AN:** Hello everyone! I hope this week sees you all happy and healthy. Thank you to everyone who alerted/favorited/reviewed. I appreciate your support bunches! To those of you who caught all the grammar/spelling mistakes in the last chapter- I apologize. I hurried to get the part out and didn't proof read as closely as I normally try to. It's a pathetic excuse but it's all I've got for you. Hopefully this chapter will be more up to standard!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 25- Can't Go Back Now**

"We need to get you up and moving around again." Juni says as she pulls off the old bandages one afternoon a week later. "These burns are about healed up enough that you won't have to wear bandages anymore."

I look down at the red and pink scar tissue that has grown over the worst areas of the burns, "I can't walk around outside the house. People will see me."

"I know that, which is why Rowan is going to take you to his house in the Victor's Village tonight. You can walk around behind his house and in the woods surrounding the village. No one will notice you there." She explains looking at the burn on my jaw.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I ask nervously. I don't admit to myself that I'm just nervous to leave this room for the first time after arriving back in the District.

"It will be fine, child. You worry too much." She chuckles.

"It's just, there are other Victors there and-"

"They hardly pay attention to anything these days let alone what their neighbors are doing." She cuts in with a sad smile.

"Not Johanna." I argue. "She's still sharper than a whip."

Juni brushes this off, "If Johanna finds out you're here, Rowan will take care of it. She's not one to gossip anyway."

"Now get dressed." She says standing and taking away the bandages, "We're going to move when the sun is down."

I put on a pair of soft old pants from before my days in the Capitol and a worn tee shirt. Even though the sun has begun to set, the heat of the hot July day clings to the air. It's hotter than an oven outside but Juni twists my hair up underneath an old cap.

"You're hair would be the one thing that would give you away." She explains, "It's almost impossible to identify you from a distance if your hair is covered.

By the time Rowan shows up, I'm sweating buckets and more than ready to bolt out of the house in hopes for some sort of breeze.

"Ready then?" He asks simply. He's tense though; I can see how tight the muscles in his shoulders are. It makes me nervous just watching him. Does he really think this is going to be a difficult trip?

"Yeah." I reply, sounding much more assured than I am, and follow him out the door after thanking Juni for all her help. As we approach the square, I can see there are still a few people milling around probably avoiding the heat inside their houses after a long, hot day of work.

"Just keep your head down and stay a few paces behind me. If anyone talks to me, you keep walking toward the Victor's Village. I'll catch up with you there." Rowan says under his breath. I nod and drop behind him. No one stops to talk to him however a few people wave greetings or stare at him as he walks by. I follow him from a distance, only stepping up next to him once we've reached his porch in the Victor's Village.

"That wasn't so bad now was it?" He asks me, as if he were any less worried about the journey, his eyes crinkling at the edges even though he tries not to smile.

"Sure." I agree, "Can we just get in before anyone sees me?"

He nods and turns the knob to the door that he doesn't bother locking. We step inside and he immediately snatches his hat off my head, allowing my hair to fall down around my shoulders freely.

"Don't need this anymore." He states, hanging it on a hook by the door. I don't argue, enjoying the fresh air that can now reach my scalp, cooling me off significantly. He steps in front of me and leads me through the house briefly before walking me up the stairs to the bedrooms.

I don't know what I expected Rowan's house to be like. Perhaps something like Milo's apartment, very modern and fashioned in the Capitol's style since the Capitol built it. Maybe I even thought it would be rundown and dirty since he's always drunk. But I never would have pictured what I am looking at now.

It's a big house with wide, open rooms. The living room has a large stone fireplace with big, comfy-looking furniture surrounding it. Over in the far corner is a television that appears as though it doesn't get much use. The kitchen is spacious and done in dark red colored wood, maybe cherry but I can't tell for sure.

Upstairs are four bedrooms and a bathroom, with a shower and hot water of course. He guides me, carrying my single bag of possessions, to the room at the end of the hall. Its walls are painted in a warm yellow that reminds me of the morning sunlight in the fall. In one corner is a large, soft bed with a yellow quilt and in the other corner is a white dresser for my clothes, or lack thereof.

"This is it." He says dropping my bag on the corner of the bed, "Home sweet home." It's hard to miss his dry tone of voice.

I turn to look at him, "It's a beautiful house." I say softly.

He shrugs, "It's alright. Pretty empty. But I guess I paid for it right?"

"You hate it." I summarize with a nod of understanding, "I hated my apartment in the Capitol too. You just can't get their reek out of it."

He smiles wryly and nods before asking, "You hungry?"

I hear the grumbles in my stomach and nod, "Yeah."

"Well, I'm no chef but-"

"I can cook something," I offer, "if you show me where everything is."

"Are you sure?" He asks in surprise. I haven't offered to do anything since I arrived back in the district but tonight's secret walk over lit a spark in me, even if only for a little while. I suddenly feel like I have energy to burn.

"Yeah, I feel okay right now and Juni said I'm supposed to start moving around."

He shrugs, "And we don't want to argue with Juni." He moves past me to lead the way to the kitchen.

I look in his icebox and see it's stocked full of food from the market. It doesn't escape me how ironic, how disgusting it is that this man, living alone, has more food than most families in the district. I don't blame him though. He's certainly suffered enough to have this full icebox. It's the Capitol that I blame because what kind of society can honestly allow children to starve in the streets while wasting so much food on a single person.

I decide on frying up potatoes with the chunks of butcher meat sitting on the shelves. I tell him what pans I need and he pulls them out from cabinets for me. As I take the silver pan from his hand, I happen to catch a glimpse of my reflection. I'm surprised by what I see there- or rather what I don't see there. No one has let me look at my reflection in weeks, not since I caught fire. I was expecting the right side of my face to be scarred beyond belief judging by Brule's inability to look me in the eye.

As I look at myself now, I appear exactly the as I did before. There are circles under my eyes and my cheeks look a bit hollow but my face is unscathed by the flames. I turn to the right and see it then. The burn that had been bandaged right at the corner of my jawbone. It's not large and the pink is lighter than the burns on my torso. It looks like a single flame jumped up and licked me right on my jaw up to the bottom of my ear, three inches in length perhaps.

I look up and see that Rowan is watching me, concern clearly written on his face.

"It's not that bad. You hardly notice it." He says softly.

I start to laugh. Not a bitter laugh but a real, from the gut, laugh. He stands completely still, staring at me like I might be insane and I feel like maybe I am at the moment.

"The way- Brule," I stutter trying to get the words out between fits of laughter, "I thought- my face."

It doesn't take long before my laughter catches and Rowan is leaning a hand on the counter as he laughs like a madman as well. When we finally catch our breath, I straighten up and put the pan on the stove.

"I thought my face was covered in scars the way everyone acted in the Capitol. And then, when Juni still wouldn't let me look at myself in a mirror once I woke up; I thought I was mutilated or something." I turn and give Rowan, who's still in shock at my reaction, a genuine smile.

"I think Juni was afraid you would panic. I mean she saw you on the television too. I think she was worried you might have become obsessed with your appearance like all the women in the Capitol. She didn't want to cause any more distress than you were already in." He explains as he sits at the counter and watches me work.

"Fair enough, I guess." I say as I flip the contents of the pan around.

I serve up two heaping plates once the meat is cooked through and we dig in hungrily. It seems we both worked up an appetite during our stealthy travel from Juni's house. Something in me feels lighter now. Maybe I'm not as destroyed as I had thought.

"This is really good," Rowan mumbles through a mouthful of food as he shovels more in. "I was starting to think something was wrong with my kitchen. Everything I make burns or I end up cutting myself open somehow."

I nod with a chuckle as he practically inhales his food, "Thanks. I used to make this all the time for Ash and Holly. Except we used rabbit, not butcher meat."

"I miss rabbit." He says staring down at his plate. "I haven't had any since... since the Games I guess. My Games I mean. Once I got back, they moved me straight into this place and I had enough money to buy everything in town. They don't sell rabbit meat in town so I haven't been able to get any since then."

"You should catch some." I suggest, chewing thoughtfully.

He shakes his head, "Don't know how. I would always trade for it. With Linden actually, when he had extra." He finishes and his face turns somber.

I stare up at him. It's the first we've ever talked about Linden; the first time Rowan has ever spoken his name to me. I never realized the two had ever spoken before Linden's reaping. Apparently they had known one another better than I would have ever imagined.

Rowan breaks the silence first, "I'm sorry I couldn't bring him home to you." He whispers just barely loud enough for me to hear.

My breath is caught in my throat and I can't speak but Rowan continues anyway. He stares down at his plate when he speaks again.

"I tried. It just wasn't enough. There was nothing I could do to help him once Jewel stabbed him." He's pleading now but I get the impression he barely remembers I'm here.

It's strange because really we're the same. I tried my best to bring Linden home but it wasn't enough. And here is Rowan, sitting across from me at his counter, telling me the exact same thing. In the end, the odds were never in either of our favors. The Capitol always had the power to tip the scales, which it used quite shamelessly. We only thought we had a chance because the Capitol let us believe so but really there was never anything we could have done.

"I know." I whisper as the breath finally releases from my throat. I cover his hand for a moment with my own and he looks up as if he suddenly remembers I am sitting across from him.

"I failed you and then you had to go to the Capitol. And now you're broken." He's staring at me with wide, terrified eyes as he says this as though he can't believe the horror of his statement is real.

In that moment, a life that could have been flashes through my mind. A life where Linden did come home and I didn't have to leave for the Capitol. I never had to leave Holly and Ash. I never sold my voice or body. I married Linden and we worked through the tough parts of life together. We fell asleep in each other's arms every night. I gave birth to our children and we raised them along with Ash and Holly. We grew old together and we died after a long life.

This flash is quickly followed by the what ifs. What if Linden did come back after killing all those children? Would he have been the same boy I fell in love with? I am nearly certain he wouldn't be. Look at all the other Victors; none of them are normal anymore. And I know without a doubt that he would have been wanted in the Capitol. He would have suffered the same fate as so many Victors.

No. Our lives would be nothing like the one that flashed through my mind, not in this Panem anyway.

"It's not your fault, Rowan." I mutter and let my eyes drop to my nearly empty plate. "He's better off dead than if he'd won the Games."

"You're not." He counters with a distraught look.

I shrug, "No. But we can't change it. Don't blame yourself. It's their fault."

It's a bold thing to say, especially in a Victor's house. There's bound to be bugs in here that transmit to the Capitol. But I suppose the Capitol already knows my opinions of it and Rowan certainly won't be tattling. Rowan doesn't look at me again for the rest of the night and he goes to bed early.

I stretch and feel the strain of my new skin the next morning. The sun is already up and I've slept straight through the night. If there were nightmares, I don't remember them so I dress and walk down to the kitchen to find some breakfast.

The door to Rowan's room is already open but he's nowhere to be found downstairs so I make some eggs and toast some bread in the skillet. I eat slowly but Rowan doesn't come home from wherever he's gotten to so I spend the day wandering around the empty house noting how _truly_ empty it is. There are no pictures on the walls or little knick-knacks that indicate a human lives here. Only the essentials are present. This doesn't do me any good since there's nothing to occupy my mind or to distract me from the gnawing in my stomach that I'm sure is all in my mind but it doesn't make it any more comfortable. I would do just about anything to get some morphling right now.

As soon as it's late enough, I make a stew for dinner and I'm just spooning some into a bowel when a sweaty Rowan walks through the front door.

"Hey." He says sounding a little breathless.

"Hi." I reply reaching for another bowel from the cabinet.

"Stew?" He asks sitting down in front of the bowel on the counter.

I nod and sit across from him with my own bowel.

He begins to shovel the food into his mouth immediately and I have no idea how he manages to breath between bites.

"Where were you all day?" I ask as I take a bite myself.

"Around." He mumbles through the food. Then he looks up at me and must see the questioning look on my face since he adds, "I needed to get out. It was a rough night."

"Rough?" I repeat hoping that he might elaborate.

But he doesn't, "Yeah."

So I don't push the subject, "Where did you go?"

"A little bit of everywhere. I stopped by Cypress's for a while. Then I went for a run around before I came back." He says as he stands and refills his bowel.

"You talk to Cypress?" I ask in surprise.

"Yeah." Then he thinks about what he said, "Well, not talk so much. We carve together."

"You carve?" I ask in an even more surprised tone.

He chuckles, "Yeah. I took it up when I stopped drinking. Gives my mind something to do when I don't want to think. Keeps my hands busy too, you know?"

I nod, " Are you any good?"

"I'm no Cypress, but he says I've got the touch," he shrugs with a smile.

"How is Laurel?"

"Good. She's seeing a guy, actually. You know the boy who plays the fiddle every year at the fall festival?" He asks with a little smirk.

"Sure. We were in school together. Cedar, I think is his name. He was at the Victory Tour dinner, too." I say softly as the night flashes across my mind so vividly I feel for a moment that I'm actually in the City Building and not in Rowan's kitchen.

"Yeah. That's him. They've been going together since last fall. He caught her eye at the festival; played her a pretty song."

I smile lightly, "That's nice. I'm glad for her."

"Cypress thinks they'll get married this year."

This surprises me, "The fall festival's only two weeks away."

"Yeah," He nods and scoops the rest of the stew into his mouth, "He's waiting for the proposal any day now." He stands and clears both our bowls from the counter and leaves them in the sink.

"I'm going to go shower. I smell." He says and pads up the stairs quietly.

I decide to wash up the dishes quickly instead of leaving them to do later. The sun has set by the time I finish and the last of the summer's fireflies are floating around out back. I step out onto the back porch that runs the length of the house to take it all in.

It's perfect outside tonight. The air has cooled since the afternoon and a gentle breeze blows through the trees that boarder the property. A lark calls out somewhere in the distance and I can hear children yelling to one another on their way home. I lean on the railing and close my eyes as I take in deep breaths of pine-scented air. This is perhaps one of the things I've missed most about home. The Capitol smells like cars, never like the fresh, clean pine that permeates the air in District 7. It's renewing to breathe in the scent now.

"Don't try to jump." Rowan, hair still damp and curling at nape of his neck, murmurs from right next to me and I hop in surprise. He gives a half-smile, "You might take out a firefly on the way down." I chuckle because it's such a ridiculous idea that someone would jump off the porch like they would a balcony.

"Luckily, there are stairs right there that I can use." I say nodding toward the three steps next to me. Then I hesitantly ask, "Do you really think it's safe to go out in the yard? No one is going to notice?"

He shakes his head slowly, "No. We usually don't pay much attention to the rest of the world here in the Victor's Village."

"Good." I reply, taking his words easily, and walk out to the center of the grassy yard, reveling the feeling of the grass between my toes. I take a seat and lean back on my hands to stare up at the stars. Rowan comes to stand wordlessly next to me as he looks up at the sky as well.

"They don't have this in the Capitol." I say quietly. "All those bright lights drown them out."

"I don't think they mind too much. They don't know what stars are supposed to look like." He mutters. "My little sister used to love picking out pictures in the stars on summer nights like these."

I glance at him, "I didn't know you had a sister."

"I did." He says and sighs, "She's dead now though. I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

I sit in the yard a long time listening to the woods come to life with the night. The owls start to hoot as they search for their prey. Wolves are howling up on the mountains over a kill. As I breathe in the air I grew up with, it's almost as though I can feel it cleansing me, slowly putting all my shattered pieces back into place. For once, I don't feel the urge to be pulled under a morphling haze. I want to stay as alive as possible so I can remember every moment of this. I don't go back inside to sleep until the moon is already on its descent through the sky.

A week later (or at least it seems like a week- time is all a blur in the Victor's Village), Juni arrives in the afternoon to see how well my burns are healing. I peak through the curtains cautiously and see the old woman standing on the porch so I let her in. Rowan isn't here, probably he's out visiting Cypress like he does most days.

Juni smiles warmly when I open the door for her, "Surprised you're answering doors these days, dear." She says leading the way up to my room so I can undress and let her look at the grafted skin.

"Rowan isn't here." I state simply, pulling my shirt over my head and taking a seat on the bed. She was right when she said the burns looked their worst when I arrived back in seven. They're still an angry looking pink but they're not nearly as horrific as before and the areas are shrinking, leaving behind pale, taut skin.

"Well, that works out well for what I wanted to tell you then." The older woman says and she leans in to examine the burn on my thigh more closely.

"What's that?" I ask, looking out the window at the sunny afternoon in early August.

"Rowan's twenty second birthday is coming up in five days." Juni says levelly as she presses gently on an area of grafted skin on my torso.

"Really?" I hiss in pain at her prodding.

She looks up at me with a raised eyebrow and nods. She motions that I can put my clothes back on so I stand and do so.

"He never mentioned anything." I state.

Juni chuckles, "Doesn't surprise me one bit. He hasn't enjoyed celebrating his birthday since he went to the Games. I just thought since you're stuck here with nothing to do you might enjoy a task."

"Sure. I don't want him to get angry about it though. If he doesn't like to celebrate his birthday, I don't want to force it on him." I reason.

"He wouldn't get mad at you, dear." Juni says with a wry smile.

"Why not?" I frown.

She doesn't answer but hakes her head slowly, still smiling, "Is there anything you want me to get for you before I come back in a few days?"

"He has pretty much everything I'd need to cook something." I muse, "Maybe some strawberries. Those are growing wild right now I bet."

Juni nods in agreement, "I'll see if I can't find a wild bird as well. Then you'll have some fresh meat. Everyone knows you could use it." She says poking me in the side as I swerve to try and miss her.

I laugh but she's right. I lost a lot of weight when I first arrived back in the district. Even though Rowan has enough food stocked up to feed a large family, I haven't managed to gain back all the weight and my ribs show more easily than they should.

"Okay." I agree, "He can't get angry if I just cook for him." I reason and Juni smiles with a nod before heading out the front door again.

Rowan arrives home not much later that afternoon, earlier than he normally comes back. He bursts through the door with more energy than usual, a grin wide across his face.

"Hey." He calls from the door before sliding his shoes off. I look up with a distracted smile from the dinner I'm just sliding into the oven.

"You're in a good mood." I state once I close the oven and note the time.

"It's a great day outside." He says with a shrug but his smile doesn't falter.

I look out the window and see heavy clouds rolling in. I raise an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Sure." He says, splashing a bit of water over his face at the sink. "Don't you like summer storms?"

I think back to all those summer nights I would sit on the porch of the house, waiting for the thunder and lightning to roll in. It must be a District 7 thing. I shake my head with a smile anyway and Rowan chuckles when he sees my reaction.

"Need any help with dinner?" He offers.

"You can peel the potatoes." I say pointing at the bowlful I left soaking on the counter. "Just like carving." I add dryly.

"Right." He rolls his eyes but steps over to the bowl to start working. I watch him work diligently from my perch on the counter. He bites his lip in concentration, brow furrowing each time he hits a knot in the potato skin. I can't help but notice how perfect his profile really is; all long, dark eyelashes and smooth skin framed by his rich auburn hair. I don't realize how long I've been staring at him until he raises his evergreen eyes to meet mine and lifts an eyebrow.

"You know I could get you a picture and sign it for you if you wanted." He says, an edge of laughter in his voice.

I jump slightly as he jolts me from my trance and roll my eyes, "Oh please." I retort weakly. I can't think of any better comeback and he calls my bluff, laughing loudly. I turn away so he can't see the smile creep up to my lips as I listen to him. There's something so innocent about his laugh and it's hard to imagine how he's managed to hold on to that tiny bit of himself through everything.

He mistakes my reaction for irritation though and too soon he quiets down. I'm working on mashing the potatoes in the pan when he tugs gently on the end of my ponytail.

"Are you angry with me?" He murmurs close enough that I can feel his breath on the shell of my ear. I contain the shiver that tries to run down my spine and instead shake my head silently as I step away from him. This doesn't convince him and he leans over the counter next to me. "Are you sure?" He asks, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, I'm sure." I say as I fix my gaze on him, "You're not the first person to ever poke fun at me, Rowan. Don't flatter yourself."

This earns a grin and he doesn't move from his position, watching me while I work. I turn my attention back to the potatoes in front of me. The only sound in the kitchen for a long while is the squishing of potatoes against the masher until I speak up, never looking away from my work.

"Look who's staring now." I say, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. I can see Rowan's eyes widen slightly out of the corner of my eye before he laughs again and pushes off the counter.

"It's not a bad view." He calls as he walks upstairs to wash up before dinner. I shake my head and smile in spite of myself; not because it's been so long since a guy has said something like this but because it's been so long since a guy has been able to joke about something like this with me.

…

Five days later, Juni arrives earlier in the morning than usual carrying a nondescript burlap bag. Rowan hasn't left for the day yet and he hurries to the doorway to greet Juni. She gives his arm a pat as she walks by with a smile.

"Are you in a hurry, Juni?" He calls after her as she starts to climb the stairs.

"I have other patients to see besides your guest, Rowan." She replies, lugging the decidedly heavy bag up the stairs after her.

"You're always complaining that I don't talk with you enough." He says following her up the stairs. I try not to laugh at the perturbed face that Rowan can't see her make.

She turns to face him, "Don't you need to get going somewhere, child?" Rowan's face falters for a moment and he pauses on the stairs. Juni jumps on the moment, "Tell Cypress I said hello and to come by if he's done being stubborn about that knee of his."

Rowan opens his mouth but closes it and nods, "Sure, Juni. I'll let him know." He agrees, running a hand through his hair. "I'll see you later, Camellia." He says to me with a shadow of a smile.

"See you." I return, waving from my place at the top of the stairs. He turns to go and Juni leads the way to my room where she proceeds to instruct me to undress. I do so and she keeps up a professional manner until she hears the front door close and Rowan's footsteps down the road.

"These are looking just fine, Camellia." She says with a smile. "Now for the real business of the day."

I smile and pull my clothes back on as she empties the contents of her bag. Not only has she gotten more than enough wild strawberries but she's also managed to trade for a groosling, cream, and several herbs of the season. I pick up one of the strawberries and take a bite. The sweet flavor bursts in my mouth and I have to consciously keep myself from groaning.

"These are perfect, Juni." I say through my mouthful.

She smiles, "I know how to pick out the best fruit, child." She says, shuffling past me towards the door, "The question is, do you know how to make a pie out of it?"

"Of course." I say, rolling my eyes, "You taught my mother after all."

She chuckles and I follow her to the kitchen downstairs where I know she'll be determined to put her two cents in while I make the strawberry pie. The process is relatively short and within the hour I set the pie down in front of her, glistening red in the afternoon light coming in through the kitchen window.

"Not bad." She comments as she stands from her seat at the counter, "I need to get going. I actually do have a few other patients I need to check in on today. You can handle the rest of the cooking on your own?"

"I think I can manage." I reply jokingly. She chuckles and gives my shoulder a squeeze as she walks past me on her way out the door. "Thanks for everything, Juni." I call after her and she waves off my thanks in reply.

…

I meet Rowan at the door when he returns that evening. Everything is finished cooking and the house smells amazing from the roasted groosling. I've even taken the time to shower and pin my hair back. I clap a hand quickly over his eyes as he walks through the door. He lets out a yelp and grabs my wrist so tightly it hurts- I've scared him.

"Don't open your eyes." I say quickly before he can pull my hand away.

"Wh- Camellia? Why not?" He asks, eyebrows scrunching together but he doesn't try to pull my hand away again.

"Who else would be in your house?" I joke, trying to contain the excitement in my voice, "It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises." He grumbles.

"I don't and I've worked hard on it all day so you should shut your mouth, Rowan Carson." I reply firmly as I guide him forward into the kitchen.

"Smells good." He murmurs lowly as I sit him down in a chair.

"Okay," I say, still standing behind him, "You can open your eyes."

"Wow." He says, surprise clear in his tone. After a moment of gazing at all the food, he turns in his chair to face me, "What is all this for?"

I smile, "Juni told me it was your birthday."

He frowns, "I don't celebrate my birthday."

"That's what she said but she also suggested that maybe you should start again." I reply, sitting in the chair next to him at the small table. He doesn't say anything, staring at the table instead. I frown, "If you don't want to call it a birthday dinner then call it a thank you dinner." I suggest.

"Thank you for what?" He questions, his evergreen eyes meeting my own, perplexed.

I shrug. There's so much to thank him for. "For letting me stay here with you. For bringing me to Juni that first night. For everything in the Capitol." My voice cracks involuntarily and I try to cover it with a cough before adding, "Rowan don't make me grovel for goodness sake. I just cooked dinner for you all day."

This seems to alter his mood drastically. He smiles lightly and starts to serve up the food as he tells me about his day happily, looking younger than I can ever remember seeing him. He keeps me laughing with his jokes and I still can't get over how strange it feels to laugh again but I don't ever want to stop once I start. Today is a good day- I can't help but think. It's the first time I've had the thought in years really.

After we finish eating, I bring the pie to the table and Rowan's face lights up like a child's. It's not an unusual reaction, even for an adult. Something sweet like this is rare in the districts. I cut a slice for him and he digs in immediately. I laugh as I cut one for myself.

"Everything was delicious." He declares after letting out a satisfied burp to which I roll my eyes.

"It was I agree." Leaning back in my own chair, stuffed beyond belief. If eating this doesn't put meat back on my bones I don't know what will. We sit in contented silence for a while before I stand and clear the table, drawing water to start the dishes.

Rowan leaves the room and I don't know what he's up to until I hear the soft cadence of musical notes traveling in from the living room. I continue scrubbing, enjoying the mixture of music notes and the song of the cicadas from the woods outside.

"Dance with me." Rowan orders from right behind me, his breath tickling the stray hairs around my ear.

I jump and turn to face him, looking up at him quizzically, "I don't really dance, Rowan."

"Yes you do." He smiles, holding a hand out to me. "I've seen you."

I shake my head, "That was in the Capitol. I don't want to do that anymore." I explain.

His smile falters for a moment before brightening up again, "I don't mean like that. I've seen you dance to our music, here in the district. I remember you used to dance with your father and your brother at the fall festival every year."

My eyes widen slightly at his words. He's right of course; I always danced with my father and Ash. What surprises me about his disclosure is not the fact of it, but the knowledge that he'd noticed my presence all those years ago. I had always just assumed that he'd never noticed me until the day I threw his drunken body up against the pole in the train station and threatened him.

"How do you remember that?" I ask, frowning but I don't pull my hand away when he takes a gentle hold of it and begins leading me into the living room where the music is clearer. It's a reel from the district and I have no idea how he's managed to get a recording of it. Something like that is expensive, even for a Victor.

"You're a hard person to forget, Camellia." He answers softly as his free hand finds my waist and begins leading me in the twisting patterns of our native dance. There isn't any more time for words as we circle each other quickly in dizzying patterns that leave us breathless. It's strange at first to do these dances that I have banished from thought for so long but as one song after another leads us around the room I feel something click inside me. It's as if a part of me is finally arriving home- a part that I thought might have been lost forever.

By the time we've danced to several songs, I'm red faced and breathless, hair falling down into my face from the pins. Rowan is gasping for air as well and holds a hand to his side.

"Maybe it's- not the- best idea to- dance right after eating." He says with a breathless laugh, "This stitch in my side feels like a knife."

I can't catch my breath enough to do anything other than laugh at his predicament. We rest for several songs before Rowan's side has recovered enough that he can stand up straight again just as the opening notes of a much slower tune start to float through the room.

He sticks out his hand to me again and this time I take it without hesitation. He pulls me closer to him and wraps and arm lightly around my waist. As he does so, I notice how he smells like the pinewood that he carves all day with Cypress and how his arm seems to fit so comfortably around me; how he doesn't let his hand slide any lower or travel unnecessarily to any other part of my body.

When I look up at him, he's already watching me, some emotion I can't quite place rampant on his face. He quickly erases this look however and replaces it with a lazy smile. The same smile that the Capitol fell in love with- one known for causing women to swoon. And though I've never been one of the women that his smile effected, a blush creeps up my neck for reasons I can't seem to understand and I mentally reprimand myself. There's absolutely no reason I should be able to blush anymore after everything I've been forced through.

"Thank you." He murmurs, oblivious to my inner battle to stop the color from rising to my face. "It's a perfect birthday."

I smile softly, "You're welcome, Rowan. Happy birthday."

He opens his mouth to say something but the music stops with a zipping noise, causing me to step back from him quickly as though I've been caught doing something I know I shouldn't be. He closes his mouth and walks over to turn the machine off.

I can't stop my eyes from staring at his auburn hair, glowing in the setting sunlight, and how his broad shoulders move beneath the loose fabric of his light green shirt. The blush starts anew when I realize what I'm thinking and I duck my head both to hide the emotion and to stop myself from continuing to stare. Where is all of this even coming from? Rowan is just allowing me to stay with him. Why is my mind so polluted that I can't just be friends with a man?

He returns to stand in front of me, leaning against the back of the couch and crossing his arms as he does so. When I finally look up, he's staring at me again in that strange way.

"You're getting pretty old." I comment quickly to eliminate any chance that I'll start blushing again.

He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, dragging it down to rub the back of his neck, "I'm only twenty two. That's hardly past my prime."

"Well I'm only twenty so I guess you'll have to forgive my bias." I say with a joking grin.

He shakes his head but can't hide the smile on his face, "I'm sorry to tell you this but you're already past your best years compared to most of my suitors, Camellia."

I can't hold in my laughter at this, "Oh really?"

"Yes." He nods soberly, "The average age of a girl after me in District 7 these days is about fourteen."

This really gets me laughing in earnest as I imagine the gaggle of schoolgirls following Rowan around town. I hold a hand to my stomach as I try to stop laughing but the idea is too amusing. He let's out a chuckle or two as well before reaching out to take my free hand in his own.

"Let's watch the sunset before bed?" He suggests. I nod and let him lead me out to the back porch where the sun is setting between the trees and the mountain peaks. The sky is lit up in shades of deep red and orange and purple. We sit silently on the steps, listening to the late larks going home to their nests for the night and the cicadas striking up their sonata in full force now.

Once the sky has turned a deep blue and all the stars have come out, I stand and stretch. Rowan follows suit, watching me as he does.

"I'm off to bed I think." I say, shooting him a quick smile as I move to the door.

"Camellia," He calls after me. I turn to look back at him from the doorway, "Thanks for making me celebrate my birthday."

"You're welcome." I say and smile lightly before letting the screen door close behind me as I make my way upstairs.

…

I'm in a room with my hands tied behind my back. It's dark but I can just see the night sky out a small crack in the wall. My body is cramping from sitting on the floor for so long when the door slams open and a figure appears. He throws a bucket of liquid over me and I scream as it burns. I look down and see my skin has melted away to show the red tissue beneath it as blood pours out of me. But I don't die. I'm screaming for the figure to help me, not to kill me but he just stands and watches. Then, just when I think I'm going to die of blood loss, a fire lights and engulfs what is left of my body. I let out an animalistic scream but the figure doesn't respond.

"Camellia," a voice calls out from outside, under the night sky.

"Camellia!" Rowan shakes me as I scream and the trembling starts. I cross my arms and pull my knees to my chest.

"It's okay." He whispers soothingly, "Camellia, you're safe. You're here in the Victor's Village of District 7. They can't hurt you here."

I catch my breath before countering, "Yes they can. They still are." I close my eyes trying to will away the desire for morphling that I had hoped, after such a good day, was dwindling but I find is now eating away at my insides. That dream was so real. The pain was so tangible. But I'm here, not there.

"They're in my mind." I add in an undertone.

He doesn't say anything as he sits on the edge of my bed and pulls my head to his chest. I don't fight him as he wraps his warm arms around me; appreciating the feeling of safety it gives me no matter how superficial.

The words escape my lips before I get the chance to stop them, "It was him. He set me on fire again."

I hear his breath catch and for a moment we're both silent. I turn my face into his shirt and try to steady my own breathing, repeating to myself that I'm safe; that no one is going to hurt me here.

"Why did he do it?" Rowan whispers in question, almost as if he's afraid asking me might set me off screaming again. And it might.

"I made him angry." I reply just as softly.

"How?"

So I answer him. In the most basic way possible, I try to explain what happened that night. How I couldn't remember actually hurting Milo because I was on so much morphling. Milo's face as he poured the brown liquor over me. My confusion as he dragged me to the fireplace. The pain. How he stood over me and watched as I tried to put out the fire. How the Avox had found me there and gotten Urela to help. How Urela, my only friend in the Capitol, called for help even though I was half dead and delirious.

I don't tell him the details though. The words Milo said to me. The way he threw me around like some toy. The way my thighs always bruised under his touch. The horror that having my wrists pinned over my head strikes in me. I leave those details for another day somewhere in the future- maybe never.

When I'm finished, Rowan's shirt is wet with tears and I'm exhausted. He moves to sit against the headboard of the bed, still cradling my body against his own. He doesn't say anything for a long time as he pulls a hand gently, ever so gently through my hair. The touch of his hand alone is nearly enough to set me off again. It's too gentle. No one can honestly be so sweet. The only person who could ever touch me so gently is dead now for the Capitol's entertainment. Hands are supposed to get what they want, not sooth an unsettled screw-up.

"I'm sorry that happened to you, Camellia." Rowan says softly, pulling me away from my pitiful thoughts and I can tell he means it. His voice is full of empathy, not pity. He knows what it's like to be under the control of the Capitol, to be bought and sold.

I know he's like Finnick. I don't know how people treat the Victors they buy but I know that he doesn't desire to be with those Capitol women. I don't know if they torture and beat him like the Patrons do the district entertainers but I can tell from his tone that he means every word that he says; that he can envision even if he can't completely understand what it was like for me in the Capitol.

Something inside me heals at this thought and at his gentle touch. I know I'm not alone even though I've been separated from Urela and banished from the Capitol. Rowan is here. He wants to help me. So as his hands continue to play with my hair, I don't shy away. I desire this sense of safety that his presence brings me tonight.

"Rowan," I whisper as his hands continue weaving through my hair. He hums in question, "I'm sorry I ruined your birthday."

"You didn't." He murmurs softly, "It's still a perfect birthday, Camellia. We're both here and safe. Nothing can ruin my birthday as long as that's still true."

I let him hold me against his chest until I fall asleep, his hand still brushing through my hair. Or maybe I cling to him and wouldn't let him leave if he tried. It doesn't matter much though since neither of us makes any move to leave the other. When I wake up the next morning, I've been tucked snuggly into my bed and Rowan is gone again.

**AN:** And that's it for this week folks! I'm still waiting to hear any opinions about the 100,000 word celebratory post so please let me know if you have any ideas at all- however random they may be. Also, within the next two weeks I will be taking finals, doing some celebrating, graduating and moving back from school. So with that said, the next part may be delayed but I appreciate your patience!

**To **_**emjay**_: I believe you're review last time cut off so if it left out something important feel free to send another!


	26. Chapter 26- Discovered

**AN: **Hello everyone! Thank you all for being so patient waiting for this part to come out! It's a bit short but I'm hoping to do some work on the next part and get it out sometime in the next few days as a reward for waiting two weeks (or was it three?) for this part. So without further ado- part 26!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I do not own The Hunger Games_

**Part 26- Discovered**

"Hey," Rowan says as he catches up with me as I walk along the woods behind the Victor's Village.

"Hi." I reply looking up from the ground where I'd been searching fruitlessly for anything edible. Having an icebox full of food from town is all well and good but it doesn't fix my cravings for fresh, basic foods from the earth.

"What are you doing?" He asks noticing the bag in my hand.

"Looking for onions. I really wanted some for dinner." I explain as I resume looking.

He raises a skeptical eyebrow at me, "Well, you won't find any this close to the village. You know that."

"I was hoping-"

"Why don't we just walk farther into the woods? I'll go with you." He suggests.

I look at him again. It's a worthwhile suggestion. I still haven't been outside of the Victor's Village for fear that someone would see me and the secret would be out. It's chilly today however, and overcast- a first taste of the coming fall.

"There won't be many people out today with the weather." He says, reading my thoughts.

I give a nod and we start off deeper into the woods in the direction of the foothills. With each step I there's a strange sense of returning freedom. It's not as though Rowan has been keeping me locked up in the house but I've created a sort of invisible tie to it. I never wander far from the yard no matter what I do. To wander deeper into the woods now is like cutting a string that I had hardly noticed existed but now that it's gone I realize how tightly I had been reigning myself in.

"The fall festival is coming up next week." Rowan states as we walk and I pick several wild aster blossoms.

"Yeah." I agree, wondering if Laurel is engaged yet as I twirl the stems of the small white flowers between my fingers.

"Ash stopped by today when I was at Cypress's." Rowan continues and my head snaps up at the mention of my brother.

"How was he?" I ask eagerly.

"Good. He looked good. He's grown at least a foot since you left. You'll be amazed when you see him." He answers with a smile, "He wanted Cypress and me to go with Holly and him to cheer them on in the competitions. Maggie doesn't feel up to it."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Yeah, I figured I would." He says with a shrug then looks at me and adds, "If it's okay with you."

"Of course." I respond immediately but a small part of me is jealous- jealous that I can't be there with them. I want to be but I know deep down I'm not ready for that yet. My mind starts racing at just the thought of having to face them especially Ash. No, I can't see them yet. It's for the best that Rowan is there for them if I can't be.

"You did a good job with them. They're good kids." Rowan says after a moment when I don't say anything else, watching my face for a reaction.

I don't expect the tears to spring up in my eyes quite so easily and I turn my head away from him when they do so that he can't see. I know they're good children but I've never been told I raised them well. The scariest job I've ever been entrusted with and someone is finally telling me I didn't screw it up completely. I smile at the thought and as I do something catches my attention, wild onions just ahead, "There they are." I say pointing at the green shoots. We pull up a bunch before we head back to the house to cook up something for dinner.

As we near the edge of the woods, I feel Rowan's eyes on me and look up.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, you just- you look good. You're looking healthier. And happier." He explains with a slight smile.

"I feel better than I did." I agree, "I think it helps, being out in the woods. It gives me something to think about besides the morphling."

"Is it still bad?" He asks sympathetically. I know he still occasionally has the urge to drink. Those are the days when he stays later than usual at Cypress's house trying to carve away his problems with a block of wood.

"Sometimes." I reply, "When I'm in the house with nothing to do, it's all I can think about."

"It get's better the longer you're off." He assures me with a knowing glance.

"That's what I keep hearing." I say with a small smile.

...

Rowan and I are just cleaning up the dinner dishes one cool evening when the front door opens without any pretense. I jump and only have a moment to glance at him before Johanna walks through the kitchen door.

"Rowan, I need-" She stops when she sees me standing there. For a split second she looks surprised but a smirk quickly replaces her confusion, "Well look what the cat dragged in."

"Johanna, get out!" Rowan shouts, throwing down his dishtowel and stepping slightly in front of me to block her view before demanding, "Have you ever heard of knocking?"

I am completely useless for my part, frozen in place from the shock of being found out. This wasn't supposed to happen. The Victors are supposed to leave one another alone. I can't bring myself to leave the room so instead my eyes stay fixed on the beautiful wide set brown eyes in front of me.

She simply sidesteps him and takes another step towards me with a roll of her eyes. "I hadn't heard from you lately so I figured I should check on you, Rowan. Wouldn't want you to relapse again now would we?" She asks, raising an eyebrow at him before adding, "And now I see why you haven't been around. You've got yourself a new plaything."

"Shut up." He mumbles clearly irritated but he won't look her in the eye as he says it.

If Johanna notices however she says nothing, instead taking another step towards me; that smirk still on her face. She crosses her arms over her chest once she's right in front of me.

"What brings you back to seven, songbird?" She asks coolly. "Last I heard you were in the hospital after some accident."

I open my mouth but no sound comes out so I cough and try again. She's too close. I can't think clearly "I- my time was up." I lie but I should know better. I'd said it myself; Johanna is as sharp as a whip.

"Is that why you've got that pretty scar on your jaw?" She lifts her chin in my direction.

"Johanna, get out!" Rowan demands taking a firm grip on her shoulder to pull her back from me.

"Get your hands off of me, Rowan Carson." She spits as she yanks herself from his grip unceremoniously. "Just trying to make friends with your girl here."

"She's not my girl." He argues lowly, this time his eyes bore into hers and I can visibly see her melt away from his touch.

"Fine. Whatever you want to call her." She says shaking her head, "I was just trying to be a good neighbor." She walks out of the room with that and heads out the front door.

Rowan looks back and me and places a hand gently on my shoulder, "I'm going to go talk to her. Don't worry okay? I'm going to handle it."

I simply nod, knowing that no words would come out of my mouth even if I tried to speak. He nods as well and holds my gaze for just a moment before turning to run after Johanna.

I decide to go sit outside before I go stir crazy in the house. I settle down in the grass as has become my habit but instead of staring up at the sky, which is still dark with clouds, I stare out into the woods. I can't see much, just darker and lighter shadows, but it's enough to at least keep my mind more occupied than it would be in the house. It's chilly and the skin on my arms quickly turns to gooseflesh but I don't move from my spot. I can't stand the thought of being cooped up in the house a minute longer.

I feel Rowan before I hear him and nearly jump out of my skin when his hands brush over my shoulders. I don't have a chance to pull away from his touch or demand an explanation for his behavior before he retracts his hands, leaving behind a warm cover. I look down and can just barely make out the red flannel shirt he loves to wear around the house in the morning before he gets ready for the day.

"You looked a little cold." He murmurs, sitting down next to me.

I realize I've curled my body into itself to keep warm, my knees pressed tightly to my chest and arms huddled around themselves. I smile and shrug, though I don't know that he can really make out my reaction in the dim light coming from the windows of his house.

"Thanks." I say simply. He nods in the darkness, turning slightly towards me.

"I spoke with Johanna. She promises to keep quiet." He explains.

"How do I know I can trust her?" I question. It's really quite reasonable considering her strategy for winning the Games. She was cunning, ruthless, and deadly. None of those traits really scream trustworthy to me.

He shrugs, "You'll just have to. What does she stand to benefit from if she rats you out anyway?"

"I don't know," I reply, shaking my head ever so slightly, "She doesn't like me though."

"I wouldn't say that." He chuckles, "She might actually even find you bearable. She's just… different."

"She always looks like she's got a bad taste in her mouth when she talks to me." I counter, a skeptical eyebrow raised, not that he can see it anyway.

Rowan lets out a deep laugh, "That's just Johanna. She's lost a lot just like the rest of us. She wasn't always alone, you know. She had a boy in town she was going with and a sister and parents.

"You probably don't remember her much from before her games since you would have been younger but she used to be a cheerful girl. After her sister was killed though-" He trails off for a moment and I wonder what world of nightmares he's lost in, "Well, that will change anyone." He finishes shortly, clearly the thought too painful to continue.

"I suppose so." I relent.

"You don't have to like her, Camellia." He offers as a concession, "You just have to trust that she won't go out of her way to hurt you."

I simply nod at this because, honestly, that doesn't encourage me much. After all, which Victor hasn't gone out of her way to kill a person?

…

"I need to get going." Rowan calls to me as he hurries down the stairs. I am baking a meat pie in the kitchen and glance up. His hair is still a bit damp and shining in the setting sunlight. He has on a long-sleeved midnight blue shirt that emphasizes the red tones of his hair.

"Okay. Have fun." I say with a little smile over my shoulder.

"I'll be back as soon as the competitions are over." He says from the door.

"Don't worry about it." I say with a light laugh, "Stay and dance with all those girls dying for your attention."

He shakes his head slightly with a bright smile, "They're falling all over themselves aren't they." He jokes.

"It's pretty disgusting." I nod and wrinkle my nose, "Clearly they haven't smelt you after you've been running."

He gives a look of mock offense, "Maybe they think I smell good musty."

"Then they can have you." I chuckle. "You should go. You still have to walk all the way out to the house. Ash is probably antsy to get to the competition."

"Right. I'll see you later tonight." He says leaving out the door at a quick pace.

I eat dinner in silence as I try to think of something to occupy my mind. I pull out all my tattered clothes and mend the small holes in them for a few hours. It's painstakingly boring but it keeps my hands busy so I don't notice the pull for morphling as much.

When I can't stand the monotony anymore, I sit out in the center of the yard again listening to the fiddle music carrying lightly on the air. I can hear laughter and cheering as well and I wonder if Ash ended up winning the axe throwing competition this year.

I lie down in the grass and let the sounds of joy and contentedness lull me into a twilight state of consciousness as I watch the moon rise up in the sky. I don't realize Rowan is back until his face blocks out the moon as he sits next to me.

"You're back already." I state in surprise as I sit up. "The dancing must have just started. How did you manage to get away from all your admirers?"

"I'm pretty good at sneaking off when I don't want to be found." He says with a little shrug. "It's not my idea of a good time, girls hanging off of me. They can get a little crazy."

I chuckle at this, "You? Afraid of the little girls from District 7?"

"They are scary!" He retorts, "They're half my age but they know more about me than I do!"

Again I laugh, "Eleven year olds, really?"

"Yes!" He exclaims as if I've wounded his pride but he laughs anyway, "I had little Bonnie Elis ask me for the first dance and she's only nine- and a half, as she informed me."

I smile, "And did you dance with her?"

He rolls his eyes at me, "Yes. I didn't want to break her heart. All her friends were following us around giggling the whole time."

"Well, that was nice of you." I say nudging him with my elbow, "Wouldn't want to shatter any hearts tonight."

He nods and gives a low laugh as he leans his elbows on his knees.

"How did Ash do tonight?" I inquire curiously.

He breaks into a bright smile as he remembers, "He won. He blew everyone else out of the water. He didn't miss once."

I smile too. Ash is probably bursting with pride right now, "I wish I could be there to celebrate with him."

He smile saddens a little at this, "He asked me to tell you about it when I go back to the Capitol."

I nod, "They still think I'm there?"

"Everyone does. No one seems to notice that you're not on the television anymore. Or if they do, they don't say anything about it."

"How did Holly do?" I ask.

He laughs heartily, "She argued for a good thirty seconds that she'd rather climb the spruce tree just on the other side of the square instead of the pole but eventually she did it. She would have won it if she hadn't wasted the time arguing with me."

"She always liked trees better." I smile. "Thank you for going with them. I'm sure it meant a lot to them that you showed up."

He nods and looks at me seriously, "I enjoyed it. Cypress did too. He's enamored with little Holly."

"He always has been." I agree.

The notes of a familiar song carry on the wind and I take a sharp breath in.

"What?" He asks in confusion.

"This song." I explain with a smile, "My father and I used to sing it together when I was little."

I hum the notes lightly as they travel on the breeze.

He smiles lightly, "What are the words? I can't hear them."

I hum a little while longer until I get to a part I still remember the words to and I sing the words softly, just barely above a whisper:

_You can keep your starry night _

_You can keep your moon glow  
For I can see two midnight suns _

_So bright they'll make a tear flow  
No summer night can warm your heart _

_Without her I'm a shadow  
My lows are resting high _

_With those eyes that I know _

_I've seen some sunsets _

_And I've seen some rainbows  
I've seen some sunrises _

_Ruby with the eyes that sparkle_

We're both silent for a while as we listen to the next song start up.

"I missed hearing you sing like that, like the night of the Victory Tour. In the Capitol, they made your voice sound so... electronic."

I give a derisive smile, "They don't like voices when they sound natural in the Capitol. They don't like music that actually means anything either."

"I'm glad that you'll still sing. Now that you're back I wasn't sure-"

"I stopped singing for four years after my parents died." I cut in. "I wouldn't sing for anyone after that. Not for Holly and Ash. Not for Linden even though he asked.

"When my sister almost died, I sang again while I felt the life leaving her. I was so regretful at that moment. She loved it when I sang and I deprived her of it. I knew I might never get to make that up. When she got better, I made a promise to myself to never stop singing again no matter what happened." I explain staring pensively at the grass by my feet.

"You sang at Linden's funeral too." He whispers. "It was beautiful."

I nod, "You were drunk."

"A little yeah." He mutters in embarrassment, "I hate riding on the train knowing that their bodies are there with us."

"One last smack across the face." I mumble in agreement.

A cricket chirps loudly nearby and we sit listening silently to it.

"I'm glad." He says softly.

I turn and see he's looking at me with a hint of a smile, "Glad for what?"

"That they- the Capitol- couldn't take your voice away from you. That you still sing." He says pulling at a blade of grass.

Silence falls between us again until Rowan breaks it.

"My sister used to love singing too. She would walk out to the woods and sing and the mockingjays would sing with her." He says in a haunted voice.

"What was her name?" I ask softly. He hasn't mentioned his sister since the first night we sat outside.

"Cherry." He whispers as if saying the name might wake the dead. And who knows, for him it might. He bitterly adds, "She died in an accident after I won the Hunger Games.

"I didn't want to go to the Capitol because her birthday was coming up and I wanted to be here for it. They said it was fine. They wouldn't make me come to the Capitol instead of spending time with my family.

"A Peacekeeper- took her out to the yards one afternoon and she happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. One of the machines- exploded right as she walked by." He spits the words out like poison. "I got a call from Snow the next day asking if I might be free to go to the Capitol after all."

I rest a hand on his shoulder but I know there's nothing I can say to take this pain away.

He clenches his jaw and breaths unsteadily, "I went. My parents and I haven't spoken civilly since. My father didn't even tell me when my mother got sick and died. I know he still blames me. She was only eleven."

We sit silently, even after the music from the festival ends. The crickets are joined by the hoots of owls in the woods on the otherwise silent night.

"I'm tired." He says vacantly as he stands up and turns to go inside, "I'm going to sleep." I hear the door creak as he enters the house and I follow not far behind him.

I lay in bed for a while before sleep claims me, thinking about the pain Rowan must feel from losing his sister. I can't imagine losing Holly or Ash. Those days when Holly was so close to death, I thought I might die with her. To live for years with the knowledge that one mistaken decision had killed her- it would be torture. I would do anything to protect my brother and sister and I know Rowan must have been the same.

I wake up from another hazy dream sometime near dawn and I can hear Rowan talking in his room even though he sleeps with the door closed. I walk into the hallway and make out that he's arguing- no, pleading with someone. I hesitate in front of his door for a minute but decide to go in anyway. If I were having a nightmare, I would want to be woken up.

His muscles are tense and his jaw clenched, "Don't touch her." He mutters. "Don't. I'll do anything just don't."

"Rowan." I say softly and I reach my hand out to touch his arm. I yelp in surprise as his fingers wrap tightly, painfully, around my wrist.

"Don't." He yells and I can tell by his glassy eyes he's still not really awake.

"Rowan!" I shout back and struggle to release my wrist from his grasp.

His head starts back a little and his pupils dilate before fixing on me.

"It's okay. It was just a nightmare." I whisper once I feel he's awake and focused.

"Camellia." He murmurs in disbelief as his grip loosens but doesn't let go.

"Yes. Everything's fine, Rowan." I say soothingly, "I heard you mumbling in your sleep so I woke you. It was only a nightmare."

"You're okay?" He asks hesitantly and his eyes move over me. I can tell he must still be stuck half in the dream world of his mind when he asks, "No one hurt you?"

I shake my head as my brow furrows, "No. No one hurt me. I'm fine."

I pause but he doesn't say anything so I add, "I'll go get you a glass of water," and I turn to leave the room gently pulling my wrist from his hand.

"No." He begs, his voice shakes and he catches my fingers with his as he looks up at me desperately, "Stay here. Don't leave."

"Rowan-"

"Just stay here with me. I don't want to be alone." He pleads, eyes wide in fear of what might be waiting for him if I walk out of the room.

I recognize the panic in his eyes. How many nights had I spent in the Capitol trying to dull that same fear of what waits for me in my sleep? I comply and climb over him to the empty side of the bed hoping this would be enough to comfort him.

It must not be though since I feel him slide over closer and wrap one arm loosely around my waist. I tense up initially but he doesn't make any move to slide his hand anywhere else. Instead, I hear him sigh and soon enough his breathing deepens and I know he's asleep. I can't help but appreciate the warmth coming from his body in the cool autumn night. I can't help but appreciate that I somehow feel safer from the nightmares too.

**AN:** And there you have it! Thank you once again for your unending support and patience. I really do appreciate each and every one of you readers. Please feel free to let me know what you think by hitting that blue review button!


	27. Chapter 27- Deja Vu

**AN: **Hello everyone! Here's a special treat for you all. Two in one week! I just feel bad about making you wait and I already had most of this one typed up anyway so I figured why not? Thank you all again for your support by reviewing/alerting.

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins so I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 27- Déjà Vu**

When I wake up, the bright sun is already rising over the trees outside the window. I don't realize where I am until I feel Rowan shift next to me with a sigh as his arm tightens momentarily around my waist. I freeze hoping he's not awake yet; I'm not sure how to handle this entire situation. His breathing settles back down into a slow rhythm again though and I relax, enjoying the warmth radiating off of his body for a few minutes before I gently slide out from under him and walk silently out of the room.

After a short shower, I dress and head downstairs to make breakfast. I scramble up some eggs with greens I collected yesterday and then slice some apples. As if on cue, Rowan walks downstairs wearing yesterday's clothes, auburn hair still disheveled.

He smiles shyly at me as he sits down in front of his plate, "'Morning."

"Good morning." I say airily, trying to sound like I don't feel awkward at all after last night but it comes out slightly squeaky. A dead giveaway in my opinion and I can't help but cringe.

He runs a hand through his hair before he picks up his fork, "Last night, did you try to wake me up?"

He doesn't remember. I nod, "You were having a nightmare so I figured I should wake you."

"Never wake a sleeping Victor." He says with a wry smile, "I didn't hurt you did I?"

I look at my wrist; there's just a hint of bruising where he grabbed me. I hold the hand up for him to see, "Not much. You weren't really awake when you did it."

"Sorry." He says, his brow furrowing once he sees the bruises, "I should have warned you. I don't always come out of my dreams. I never did, even as a kid. And now when I have nightmares..."

"It's okay." I say as he trails off, "I get it." And I do. After all, how many nights have I tried to stay awake just so I don't get caught in some horrible dreamland that I can't get out of?

"It's not okay. I hurt you." He replies as he pushes his food around before taking a bite, "And then I forced you stay with me?" He asks as he tries to remember back.

"You asked me to, yes." I agree, taking a bite myself, watching his face as he struggles with the memories.

"And you stayed. You were scared I was going to attack you." He mutters, hanging his head and maintaining firm eye contact with the plate.

I shake my head even though he's not watching me then add, "I wasn't afraid. You- you looked panicked so I stayed." I try to explain.

He looks up at me and nods, "I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable. You can just walk away next time- if there ever is a next time. I won't follow you."

"It didn't." I say. Now it's my turn to look at my plate and away from those piercing evergreen eyes. "Make me uncomfortable, I mean."

He doesn't say anything so I continue, struggling to find the correct words, "It did a little at first. But you didn't- you didn't try... anything. You fell asleep almost right away. It was- warm." I end lamely.

Rowan nods and we eat the rest of our breakfast in silence before I wash up the dishes and he decides to shower. It's strange. I've shared a bed with dozens of men in the Capitol and I've done much more intimate things with them. But I've never felt this awkwardness, this shyness, with any of them. I'm not sure what to make of it really. Something seems to have shifted last night but I can't really name it.

Rowan walks back downstairs just as I finish up and he stands uncomfortably at the bottom staring at me for a moment before I ask, "Do you want to go out to the foothills today?"

His eyebrows lift, surprised at my suggestion to travel so far from the Victor's Village but he nods anyway, "Sure."

We grab jackets and head out. It's a brisk morning and we walk quickly to stay warm but as the sun crosses the sky, the air heats up and by the time we walk out of the woods onto the rolling hills it's warm enough to take off my jacket.

Today is one of those late days of fall that feel like a second summer. We're about half a mile away from the pond where Linden and I used to go but it looks very similar here. I walk over to a stream that runs between two hills and sit down to remove my shoes.

"What are you doing?" Rowan asks.

"I'm going to wade in." I say tossing my shoes farther up the bank before rolling up my pants. "You coming?"

"It's going to be freezing." He says fixing me with a quizzical look.

"It won't be that bad, you baby." I retort with a chuckle.

He sighs but follows suit apparently indignant over being called an infant and soon we're both in up to mid-calf.

"This feels like ice." He mumbles as we stand shivering.

I let out a shaky laugh, trying to cover up the fact that my body is shaking too as I kick some water at him, "Shut up and enjoy it."

"Ugh!" He grumbles as the water splashes up his pants. "That's how it is then?" He says giving me a wicked look.

"Don't you dare." I warn with narrowed eyes as I shuffle away from him. "ROWAN!" I shriek as he splashes a huge wave of water up at me with his hand.

He doubles over in laughter at my dripping pants and splattered shirt. I give him a smirk and before he can react I push his curled form causing him to fall gracelessly into the water. It's my turn to laugh now, which I do heartily. I'm doubled over, gasping for air so I don't see his hand until it's wrapped around my ankle and I fall solidly into the water.

"Ugh!" I sputter as I come up and gasp air. "You could have drowned me!" I yell, irked that he's bested me at my own game. I send a wave of water splashing at him with my hand.

"I wouldn't- have- let you- drown." He manages to say through his laughter.

"Right." I say as I stand up, shivering, and wring out my hair.

He stands and shakes his head forcefully, spraying me with more water.

"Stop it!" I yell, hitting his shoulder as I walk up onto the bank and lay down in the sun.

He sits next to me and grins, "Got you."

"Shut up." I mumble, trying to keep a straight face. It's hard to do when he's smiling so gleefully, "You cheat."

"I don't." He argues, "You shouldn't start battles you can't win."

I let out a sharp laugh. The next words fall from my lips before I realize what I'm saying, "Isn't that the truth." Suddenly, I'm irritated and I can't really explain why. It was all in good humor but something seems to have snapped inside of me. Something doesn't feel quite right about being here with Rowan; laughing as though I'm some normal person- as though I haven't been mutilated and forced through horrible situations.

He sobers up, "I'm sorry if I upset you."

I sigh, "You didn't. It just feels weird."

"Being soaked?" He asks, smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"No. Being happy. Doing stupid things like this, like normal people." I explain softly. It's almost embarrassing to admit it; that I'm not a regular person anymore. No matter what I try to tell myself, the Capitol has changed me- damaged me- and I'm not like everyone else here in the district anymore.

He doesn't catch on to my internal struggle so instead he shrugs, "Why shouldn't we? Haven't we earned it?"

"How can we after what we've seen and done?" I counter with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't know." He shakes his head and the sun catches the water drops in his hair, "Life is weird. We have to have normal parts sometimes even if we aren't quite right. If it weren't for the normal parts, we'd probably have gone insane by now."

I nod silently in agreement. I can't deny that he has a point. It's moments like this that I count on to get me through the day. Thinking about these times helps me shrug off the monotony that threatens to drive me mad everyday. He lies down next to me and we don't talk anymore as Rowan dozes off in the afternoon sunshine. I relish the warmth and the sound of the birds singing over our heads. A flock of geese fly overhead going south. The winter is coming but for the moment summer is hanging on by a thread and I take it for all it's worth.

I wake Rowan when the sun starts to set and we walk home with jackets around our still damp shoulders. By the time we get back to the house, it's dark and getting cold quickly so Rowan starts up a fire as I make a quick dinner of bread, cheese, and cold meats.

As we eat, it seems like a completely different world from this morning when we could hardly look at one another. Things seem to have settled back into our usual, comfortable routine and I can't help the small smile that creeps to my face.

...

I'm in a wide-open expanse of water trying to swim to land that I can't see. I just catch a glimpse of an island on the horizon when something cold wraps around my ankle and pulls me under. I kick frantically and look down to see a pale bony hand gripping my ankle. I kick even harder and the hand releases as I kick up to the surface.

I break through the water and gasp for air but before I can take a second breath something is pulling me down by my other ankle. I reach down to pry the fingers off when another set of hands wrap around my neck and the world starts to go black. I look up at the surface of the water as I drift deeper, the light getting dimmer.

Something is shaking me by my shoulder and I look over but I can't see who it is. It shakes me harder-

I open my eyes and gasp for air, which irritates my throat, raw from screaming, as Rowan stands over me. He doesn't say a word as he pushes me over and slides under the blankets with me. He lies on his back and pulls me to his chest as he wraps an arm around my back. I let my head rest on his chest listening to his heart thumping steadily away.

Relaxing into him, I allow his warmth to sooth my shivers away as I catch my breath again. He doesn't say a word and neither do I as we let each other's breathing lull us back to sleep.

It becomes a pattern. Sometimes I join him in his bed and sometimes he comes to mine but we end up sleeping next to each other more often than not. Sometimes we talk for a while until we drift off to sleep and some nights we know there are no words that can comfort so we remain silent. We never talk about it in the light of the morning. I suppose there's not really that much to say.

...

Rowan walks through the door early one afternoon as I'm folding some laundry. His face is dark- something's bothering him. He pulls off his jacket before taking a seat on the couch next to me.

"You're home early." I say over one of his shirts as I shake the wrinkles out before folding the fabric.

He runs a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up haphazardly, "There's mandatory programming on tonight." He says flatly.

"Oh." The sound escapes my lips and my hands freeze in their work for a moment. "Do you know what it's about?" I ask, picking at a bit of lint on the shirt.

"No. It's too early for any announcement related to the Games or the Victory Tour." He says with a shrug. "I'm going to go shower and we can have dinner early. Don't want to miss the news." He says sarcastically as he gets up and begins to climb the stairs. He's trying to play it all off as no big deal but I can tell the news bothers him.

I watch him go and notice how tired his movements seem. He looks more like an old man than a twenty two year old. I suppose he's worried it will be something that's going to impact him. After all he's still a mentor most years and with his other responsibilities in the Capitol- the thought makes my stomach churn uncomfortably. I'm afraid for him too.

I finish folding the laundry and Rowan helps me make soup for dinner. Neither one of us says much and we don't have much of an appetite either. The house seems too quiet and too claustrophobic for such a fresh, cool night. After we clean up the dishes, there are only ten minutes until the programming starts so we both settle on the couch in the living room facing the dusty television set that is never turned on except for nights like these. Even tonight, Rowan waits until the last minute before he turns the screen on, its beams lighting up the room.

The seal of Panem is glistening on the screen at us before the deep, serious voice of a middle-aged man starts talking in a news station. The programming tonight is to update all of Panem on the status of several runaway citizens from District 8. Apparently they ran from the district late in the night three days ago. The President ordered valiant search efforts to be started as soon as news reached him. The citizens were found this afternoon but not before the wild animals got to them.

The screen flashes to a woman out in what is presumably the woods surrounding eight. She says a few more lines before the camera pans down to her feet and the mutilated bodies of the citizens are shown. It's awful to see but I guess we're supposed to be used to this sort of sight what with the Games and all. It doesn't make my stomach any less unsettled seeing them now though, all blood and torn flesh. The woman starts talking again but the camera doesn't move from the bodies. She's reminding us of the dangers of the outlying woods and the benevolence of the Capitol for providing protection to the district citizens.

The real point of the program doesn't escape me though. It's a warning from the Capitol- straight from the hand of the President. I can't stand to look at their bodies any longer and turn to Rowan who's staring blankly at the screen, the light throwing deep shadows across his face. He doesn't look away from the screen though even if he feels my gaze. He understands too.

I know all too well that no animal would mutilate a human body like that, tearing it apart but leaving the flesh to rot. No, only another human would do that and leave the meat to waste. Only a human, using fear of death to manipulate those still living would kill something for show. I swallow thickly at the bile that has risen up in my throat without my permission.

The television flips to a new screen, a commercial, and a high-pitched woman's voice starts speaking. The voice is familiar and I realize why when Heelia Handar comes on screen. I turn to face the set again and she looks the same as when she interviewed me during Linden's games except she's dyed her skin a deep shade of turquoise and has had cat-like whiskers implanted in her cheeks. She looks horrific really but I know that's the fashion currently in the Capitol.

Apparently her stint interviewing me gave her a leg up and now she's been promoted to gossip reporter because she's talking about some new district entertainer. A dancer. She's young. So very young. And beautiful.

My breath catches as they show clips of her latest performance. I can see it on her face- in her eyes. It's not hard to pick out now that I've gone through it myself. She knows now what she's gotten into. Heelia is saying something about a recent lack luster performance despite initial high hopes for the girl. Of course she had a bad performance- after what some Capitol man did to her. Fools. I want to scream at the television but all the rest of the report is lost to me when a face I thought I would never see again is staring out at me, smiling as the young girl hangs from his arm. The one face I wished never to look at again. He looks exactly the same- even now- handsome by the Capitol's sick standards and arrogant and fake. A liar.

The air rushes from my lungs as though Milo himself reached through the television screen and punched me in the stomach. Rowan turns to look at me, eyebrows scrunched together, worried. The commercial ends and the mandated programming returns on the screen but I can't be here anymore. All I can see is Milo's awful smile and that poor, young girl- broken and all too familiar. There are too many people here in this room with us; too many memories sucking the air from my lungs.

It's too crowded and before my mind registers what my legs are doing, I've run out the back door and am thrashing through the woods wildly. Even this is too familiar. There aren't enough years between me and the younger version of myself, running away from a television screen through the woods. I don't stop even when my legs feel like they've caught on fire. A branch catches my arm and I tumble to the ground. I don't make any effort to move after that but I can tell from the dampness on my arm that the branch cut through my shirt and skin. There's no sound in the woods save for my own raspy breathing. I've scared all the wildlife from the area with my frantic wandering.

The sun is setting and it's getting cold but I can't move. Every time I think about returning to Rowan's house in the village my heart starts to race and I can't seem to catch my breath. I want a vial of morphling- no I need it. My right hand reaches over to the soft skin on my left arm and starts to scratch there, wishing for a needle. I try to force the memories of Milo from my mind but they won't leave.

I sit up, scratching deeper into my arm and a sob escapes from my lips before I can stop it but it sounds more like I'm dying than crying. The tears don't flood my eyes like they usually do. Instead the sobs turn into screams. It feels good to scream, the air tearing through my windpipe seems to release that inner beast that wants the morphling. The want remains but the gnawing feelings are released into the air with each retched, pathetic sound from my throat.

I don't hear anyone approach until warm arms wrap around me, pinning my arms to my sides and slowly rocking me side to side. The arms can't stop my screaming though- they don't even try- and I don't have it in me to try and fight them off of me. Eventually my screams die down, my throat raw and painful from overexertion. It's then I can hear him, Rowan, murmuring comfort, his lips brushing the shell of my ear as he does.

He doesn't let go even when I fall silent, continuing to gently rock my body, his soft words unceasing. I don't know how he can keep up a seemingly endless stream of reassuring words when he knows what just happened- knows the world that we live in- knows that while I might be safe, the dangers will never stop.

"He won't hurt you here, Camellia." Rowan whispers and I know he's right. Milo won't be able to hurt me here- not physically anyway- but that poor girl. He can hurt her. He has and he will and when he's done using her, he'll find another and another. It will never end.

He releases his arms from around me, seeing that I've calmed down at least for the moment. He moves to kneel in front of me, his green eyes watching me closely, looking for some sort of acknowledgement. I can't bring myself to give him any, not while my mind is replaying what Milo did to me with a dozen other girls, all innocent and, in the end, unable to protect themselves.

"You're hurt." Rowan says when he notices my shoulder cut open from the tree. He moves the torn fabric of my shirt out of the way and his touch causes a stab of pain. I hiss and pull away from him but he's already looking over the rest of me. There are several scratches on my legs from the branches that grabbed at my skin as I ran too close in shorts. He doesn't make a sound until he sees the deep scratches on my left arm- three of them- all too smooth and even to be caused by a tree. Trails of dried blood run down my arm and he lifts my right hand up to reveal dried blood under the nails.

He lets out a slow sigh; one that wrenches whatever air was left in my lungs straight out of me. When he looks up at me again, there are lines on his forehead and he looks so sad, so broken down- like he's failed me.

"Don't." I whisper but the lines on his face only deepen. I close my eyes tightly against him. I can't stand the look he's giving me. "I'm fine. I just need to sleep." I assure him.

He gently brushes a stray bit of hair back behind my ear, his hand staying there longer than necessary, "You need to talk about it." He says softly.

I open my eyes and stare at him. I won't do it. I won't relive all the thoughts I just had. Some of them are still waging a war in my mind. I can't do that to myself so I shake my head slowly.

"I just need to sleep." I repeat, moving unsteadily to stand. He's up in an instant and reaching for my hands to help me to my feet. My knees shake under me and I nearly trip as I take a step forward, the only thing holding me up is Rowan's steady hand under my elbow.

Before I can move to take another step, Rowan's arms circle around me and he lifts me into his arms as though I'm weightless and settles me against his chest. I try to push myself away from him and I can tell he doesn't expect it because he nearly drops me.

"What are you doing?" He asks in surprise once he regains his center of balance.

"I can walk on my own, Rowan." I argue flatly, my voice still hoarse, as I push myself away again but this time he has a firmer grip and I barely budge.

"No you can't." He states matter-of-factly. "It's a long walk home and you can barely stand let alone walk." I give him one last push but don't say anything else because I know he's right. I can't even feel my legs right now and if the house really is as far away as he's leading me to believe it could take all night to get back. The sun is almost completely set and the air is cold already so I stay silent and, defeated, I let my head fall against his shoulder.

I descend into some hazy sort of sleep plagued by the same thoughts that followed me as I ran. The next thing I consciously realize, Rowan is walking up the stairs of the back porch and opening the creaky screen door to the house. As we cross through the living room, he leans over to switch off the television that he must have left on in his hurry to follow after me. He doesn't say anything as he settles me down on top of the quilt over my bed. He leaves the room and returns shortly with a brown bottle and several cloths.

I watch him cautiously as he pours some of the liquid onto one cloth before gently pressing it to my shoulder. In an instant, I've pushed his hand away from me and scooted down the bed with a hiss of breath between my teeth.

"Camellia," He says softly before sighing, "I need to make sure the cut is clean."

"Leave me alone, Rowan." I whisper, begging him to go but I should know better than that. He's never listened to me a day in his life.

"I will once you let me get that wrapped up." He agrees, nodding at my shoulder. "And your arm."

He moves to sit next to me again and I bite my lip when he presses the cloth to my shoulder again. This time the stinging starts to ebb away after a moment and he takes the cloth away, placing and new clean one over the wound and wrapping it snuggly around my arm.

"Now your arm." He murmurs, holding out a hand. I place my left arm there and clench my jaw as he cleans out the three long scratches. As soon as he fixes the cloth bandage into place, I pull my arm from his grasp and slip under the covers.

"You really should talk about what happened, Camellia." He whispers, "It will make you feel better."

"No it won't." I argue. "Just go Rowan."

My body is exhausted and my eyes are already drooping shut by the time he slowly stands. He turns to face me again and brushes my hair back from my forehead before softly telling me, "Goodnight, Camellia."

I don't answer even though he's still watching me, waiting for a reply. Instead I turn my face into the pillow and wait until I hear the soft click of the door latching as he leaves the room.

…

I can hear girls screaming for me to help them but I can't find them. I'm in a long hallway not unlike the Presidential Mansion and it's lined with doors. I yell for the girls, begging them to tell me where they are but they can't answer; they're crying, screaming. I run down the hall but none of the doors will open. Finally, when it seems like I've tried a hundred doors and there are tears flowing freely down my face, a door opens when I turn the knob. A girl who can't be older than Holly is standing against the wall, a tall dark body holding a gleaming blade to her throat.

"Don't!" I scream and the body turns, dropping the blade from her pale skin. She falls to her knees, gasping for air but the body doesn't notice. It's walking towards me and a beam of light lands across his face.

Immediately my legs start carrying me back towards the door but it's shut behind me and I can't find it again as my hands scramble across the wall. Milo's leering face get's closer by the moment, sadistically grinning at me, excitement twinkling in his eye.

"Don't touch me!" I yell but he keeps advancing and I still can't find the door. His body closes in on mine and he shoves me up against the wall, tearing at my clothing like some barbaric animal. "Don't." I scream again, pushing and hitting and punching at any piece of him I can reach but nothing seems to work.

He's pushing his knees between my thighs, forcing them apart, laughing cruelly as he does, "Welcome back, Camellia."

"Stop it!" I beg, "You can't do this." I say but I have no way to stop him, no reason why he can't. He knows it too as he lowers his lips to my body, biting painfully as he goes.

"Camellia." He groans even as I thrash in his arms, trying to free myself.

"Camellia." He repeats but it doesn't sound like him, "Camellia!"

I swing my fist and finally connect with his jaw. I hear him let out a shocked, pained sound but don't hesitate for a moment to kick out at him. He's ready though and grabs my foot firmly.

"LET GO OF ME!" I shout, my voice ragged but commanding. I'm not going down without a fight, not this time. Not when those innocent little girls are in danger.

"Camellia!" The voice calls again as my foot is released, immediately replaced by firm arms wrapping around my torso, pinning my best weapons to my side as he sits on my legs. "Camellia, wake up!" The voice demands as the arms shake me.

My eyes snap open and I suck in a sharp breath, pulling back from the face so close to my own, "Get away from me!" I scream, twisting, trying to get away from the threat.

"Camellia, shhh." He says, arms tightening around me, giving me another, more gentle, shake, "Stop. You're okay. It's just a dream."

It takes another couple of minutes for me to see that it's not Milo's face staring at me only inches away. I take several ragged breaths, still twisting my arms beneath his grip.

"Let go." I order lowly, "Let go of me, Rowan."

He stares at me for a moment but his hold loosens and I twist out of his arms, sliding into the far corn of my bed. Rowan frowns and moves to sit closer but I stop him.

"Don't." I say firmly, "Stay away from me."

His frown deepens and I can tell my words hurt him.

"Please." I add, hoping that this would lessen the blow but it seems to have the opposite effect. "I just need to be alone."

He continues to watch me for another minute before he stands. I lie down and slide the sheets up to my neck again, curling up into the tiniest ball I can to try and ward off the nightmares I know await me if I fall asleep again. I never hear the door close as he leaves though. I look up and see Rowan sitting in a chair next to the door of my room.

"What are you doing?" I demand.

"I'm not leaving you in here alone." He replies firmly, "I'll stay here by the door. I won't touch you."

I watch him warily for a minute but he settles back into the chair, crossing his arms and closing his eyes to try and sleep again. I stare at him until his breath evens out before I lay my head back down and attempt to sleep again.

…

"Come over here, sweetheart." My father's voice calls from in front of me in the woods.

I hurry over to his side and he smiles down at me happily, "You see this here?" He asks and I look down at the small flower in his hand before nodding, "This is trillium."

"What does it do?" I ask and he chuckles.

"Does it have to do something for you to like it, Camellia?" He asks and I shrug. "Well this flower doesn't do anything other than look pretty. But," He says holding up a finger, "The root can stop infections if you put it on cuts."

"Oh." I say, looking down at the simple, three-petal blossom.

"Now, Camellia, I have to go." My father says, his face somber.

I frown, "Where are you going?"

"Away." He says, standing and starting to walk.

"Where? For how long?" I demand, following after him.

"I don't know, sweetheart. The Capitol needs me to go." He replies vaguely. I trip on a tree root and by the time I stand again he's yards ahead of me. I hear the hovercrafts before I see them. By the time they cross into my line of sight, fire is already raining down from them and my father is engulfed. I hear him scream in pain but his body is already disintegrating by the time my mind even reacts enough that I can move toward him.

I gasp for air as I sit up in bed, my face already wet with tears from my dream. I look around frantically, confused about where exactly I am. It had felt so real, my father's presence. But that's impossible. Even in my confused state I remember that my father is long dead. I hear movement and turn toward the door. Rowan is awake and he's watching me, a frown still etched on his face.

I wait for him to say something but he doesn't speak or make any move toward me. I try and take a deep breath but the air only hiccups in my throat making me sound that much more wretched. I can't bring myself to speak so I do something that I can't remember doing since I was a child and I fell while climbing a tree, getting the wind knocked out of me in the process.

I raise my arms toward him, face crumpling as I do, words now a hopeless cause. He doesn't need me to explain what I want though. Immediately he's out of his chair and hurrying forward to scoop me into his arms. I barely have time to wrap my own arms desperately around his neck before pitiful sobs wrack my body like a small child.

Rowan seems to be at a loss for words at my change in reactions. He gently rubs a hand over my back, making soothing noises in my ear but never attempts to give me any reassuring words.

"I don't want to go back to sleep." I whisper between sobs.

"You don't have to tonight, Camellia." He replies softly, never ceasing his movements.

After what feels like a long time, my body seems to run out of tears and the energy to cry any more. Rowan still holds me against him until I move to lean back. He let's his arms fall from around me allowing his hands to rest in his lap.

"I'm sorry." I apologize and he looks up, confused. "You didn't sign up for this when you carried me to Juni's house that night. I'm sorry." I explain, feeling even more embarrassed now that I've spoken the thought out loud.

"Camellia, I-" He starts but seems to lose the words. He starts again, slower and more carefully. "It's okay. I didn't pick you up just because that's what any good human being would do. I- really do- care- about you. I just wish you would talk to me about whatever is going on inside your head."

"I don't want to think about it." I say shaking my head and closing my eyes.

"You already are. You might as well share it with someone." He whispers, turning my chin so I have to look him in the eyes. "Please, neither one of us is going to sleep anymore tonight. Just tell me."

I can see in his eyes that he means it. He really wants me to tell him about everything that has happened since the program this afternoon. I shake my head and lie back down, turning on my side to face him. He seems to get the idea and joins me under the sheets. There are several inches of linen between our bodies- a no man's land- that he doesn't try to cross.

"I don't know where to start." I say softly once we've both settled.

"Then start at the beginning." He suggests and I shake my head fervently. That's too hard; asking too much, "Well then start with whatever is easiest."

None of it is easy to talk about because everything ends in an awful reality. I sigh and decide to start with the dream about my father. The beginning of that was at least content if not happy.

I explain about being in the woods. How it was just like when I was a child and he would take me there to learn new plants while he set snares and gathered. I tell him how my dad used to laugh because I didn't understand why a plant would be there for just beauty.

A smile tugs at the corners of my lips as I remember one particular story he always loved to tell, "He always used to joke that I must be resentful of being named after a pretty flower. He said that it would have been better to name me after some edible or medicinal plant. He would poke me in the belly and tell me he was going to call me Birthroot from now on."

Rowan smiles and I chuckle lightly at the memory. It seems so long ago and it's so hard to imagine that it has only been eight years since my parents died. My body is tired and my mind exhausted. It feels like I've lived eight lifetimes not eight years. But now Rowan has managed to get me talking and the memories of my father start pouring out of me.

"Then he would always tell me the reason they named me Camellia. 'When you were born,' he would say, 'you were so beautiful and I couldn't get over how pretty your eyes were. You didn't look like you belonged here with a bunch of loggers named after trees. The next morning, while you were still sleeping with your mother, I went out to check on a few snares. I was walking between two traps when a small blur of pink caught my eye. I looked over and saw the camellia flower- the first one I'd seen since the fall- so I picked it and brought it home to your mother. Your eyes just lit up when you saw it and you smiled. Everyone says babies don't smile right away but I swear on my life you did. So we decided such a pretty little girl should have a name just as pretty and we named you Camellia.'" I finish with a sigh and close my eyes. "He would tell it the same way every time."

"You know something else about camellia blossoms?" Rowan murmurs, brushing my hair back over my shoulder.

I open my eyes and look up at him, "What's that?"

"They're beautiful but they're also hardy." He states simply, "They can survive almost anything the weather might throw at them."

"I wish I were more like them then." I mumble, staring at the space of white linen that lies between us.

"You're more like them than you think." Rowan murmurs and I raise a questioning eyebrow, "You've been through a lot but you're still whole. Sure there are damaged parts but you're still human which is more than some can say who have been through a whole lot less."

I stare at him for a moment. "Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better, Rowan, and sometimes I feel like I'm only getting worse." I confess quietly.

Rowan leans in slightly, just enough so that our foreheads are touching, "Then I'd say you're doing pretty well, Camellia. As long as you have some good days, it's a step in the right direction." He says honestly before leaning back to return to his own pillow.

"I wish it could be easier." I sigh.

He smiles dryly, "Don't we all, sweetheart." I can't help but smile at his words even as my eyes drift shut of their own accord.

**AN:** Hopefully the next part won't fight me too hard and I'll have it out at the end of next week. I'd love to know what you're thinking! Reviews are better than yellow cake with chocolate frosting!


	28. Chapter 28- The Coward

**AN: ** Thank you everyone who rated and reviewed the last chapter! It is much appreciated as always. Not much to say before this one so enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 28-**

When I open my eyes the next morning, rays of sunlight are peaking through the curtains. I blink a few times and realize Rowan is still sleeping beside me. At some point during the night my hand must have drifted into the no-man's land on the sheets between us and his hand is now covering my own. It's late; I can tell that simply by the brightness of the light but I don't move, instead deciding to enjoy the peaceful silence of late morning.

I'm just dozing off again when Rowan shifts next to me. I open my eyes to his bright green ones already looking at me. I nervously pull my hand out from under his. He glances down momentarily before looking back up at me without any indication that I've upset him.

"Good morning." I say, wanting to end the awkward silence between us. At least I feel it's awkward. In the light of day, I can't help but feel like I shared too much with Rowan last night. He knows too much- probably more than he wanted to know. And the way I acted, so childlike, is enough to bring a blush to my cheeks.

"Morning." He mumbles, running his now empty hand over his chin and through his messy hair. "How are you feeling?" I shrug, not entirely sure what to say, and he picks up on my sudden shyness as though I've written it in red across my forehead.

"Hey." He says, waiting to continue until I reluctantly look up from the sheets between us, "Don't be embarrassed."

"I acted like a child." I mumble.

He makes a sound deep in his throat somewhere between a laugh and a grumble, "Well, it's better than some people. Some people would have just drowned all that in a bottle of liquor." He gives me a little smile that tells me he's trying to make a joke. I roll my eyes. "It's true. At least you can still deal with your emotions."

"If I could have gotten my hands on a bottle of morphling last night, I would have shot the entire thing up without a second thought." I state matter-of-factly. "It just so happens my brand of poison doesn't come cheap and they don't carry it locally."

He can't help but chuckle at my skepticism but he gets out of bed anyway, "Good thing then. I like you more when you're sober." He winks as he walks out of the room.

I roll over onto my back and stretch stiffly. My body feels like it did the day after I fell out of the tree as a child. I groan and relax back under the blankets, in no hurry to get out of bed. All that awaits me is another day empty of any real purpose so why rush it?

A bump followed by the clanking of dishes wakes me from a doze sometime later.

"Damn." Rowan mumbles from the doorway carrying a tray. He looks up from his hands and, seeing that I'm awake, gives a sheepish smile that makes him look so young. It reminds me he really is only two years older than me, "I made you some breakfast, which was perfect until I ran into the door."

I smile softly and sit up against the headboard. He sets the tray down and I see what he means. When he ran into the door the milk must have splashed out of the glass and onto the pancakes.

"I bet it will still taste good." I assure him, "It's been ages since I've had pancakes anyway." This seems to sooth his embarrassment a bit as he hands me a fork. I cut into the soft fluffy circles quickly, suddenly ravenous. They're a bit soggy around the edges from the milk they absorbed, but I was right, they still taste fine.

"They're really good." I say after I swallow a bite.

"Really?" He asks, sounding shocked. He must have been telling the truth when he said he didn't cook well or often. I nod and spear another bite on the fork before handing it to him.

"Try it." I say. He takes it from me and chews thoughtfully.

"Not bad." He nods, "That's a first."

I laugh at the surprise clearly written on his face before taking the fork back, "Thank you for making me breakfast. It was very thoughtful."

He shrugs but smiles in spite of himself, "I thought you could use a break. Call it a day off."

I roll my eyes, "Because I work so hard everyday other day already."

He chuckles as he stands, "You finish eating. I'm going to shower before I head over to Cypress's. He's probably wondering where I got to."

I eat in silence after that, allowing my mind to run over the events of the last twenty-four hours. I still can't shake the awful feeling inside of me when I think of that young dancer- I didn't even catch her name. I can't help but relive all of my memories and emotions from when I was in her exact situation. I can only hope that she has someone in the Capitol to talk to like I had Urela. We might have been addicts but I would never have made it out alive if it weren't for her. And then it hits me. I must be doing better, no matter how minutely, because now I consider that- that I made it out of the Capitol alive- something redeeming rather than condemning.

With that thought in mind, I get out of bed and carry the tray downstairs to wash up the dishes. Rowan ambles down the stairs and into the kitchen not much later. I turn to say goodbye when I notice the purple bruise on his cheek for the first time. He's done a good job of hiding it all morning, never really facing me head on so I wouldn't see the side of his face.

A hand raises to my mouth reflexively, "Oh gosh, Rowan."

He shakes his head as soon as he notices the horror on my face, "It's nothing. Trust me, I've had worse."

"I can't believe that I- I'm so sorry." I stumble on the words hurrying over to see it closer.

He looks down at me with a shadow of a smile, "You've got a mean right hook. Who taught you that?"

"I can't believe I hurt you." I say shaking my head, ignoring his question and raising my hand to let my fingers brush lightly over the area.

"Seriously it's nothing." He assures me; eyes closed as my fingers trail lightly over the damaged skin. "I had worse injuries than this after one day in the arena."

He opens his eyes and I stare up at him for a moment, "I must be a horrible guest if you're comparing me to tributes in an arena." I say softly. This earns a smile from him and he takes my hand from his face, holding it between both of his.

"You're definitely no tribute, Camellia." He says softly, gives a wicked smile, and adds, "You have no manners. You would never get a sponsor if you went around punching them all."

I laugh loudly in surprise at his divulgence, "Maybe I don't feel so bad about that cheek, Rowan. If you don't watch it, I might start working on my left hook."

He laughs but heads for the front door, "I'd like to see you try, Camellia Goldenlarch. I'll see you at dinner." With that he shuts the front door and I'm left to my own devices and the inner workings of my mind. Definitely not a laughing matter.

…

Rowan and I eat dinner early. Somehow, even with sleeping in late, I'm exhausted. It seems as though my episode last night took more out of me than I would like to admit. Maybe I'm just getting too old for all of this. We make quick work of cleaning dishes up and I head for the stairs.

"Going to bed already?" Rowan asks, heading past the stairs into the living room.

I nod, "I'm just really tired."

He looks up at me, maintaining eye contact for a brief moment before smiling tightly and nodding at my arm, "Okay. You should really let me clean out those cuts again though."

"That's alright. I've got it." I say, shaking my head as I continue upstairs.

"Alright." He says with a nearly imperceptible sigh, "Good night, Camellia."

"Good night." I call back over my shoulder.

I wash up in the bathroom, taking the time to clean out the cuts on my arms, and am just walking into the hallway when a knock sounds at the door. My blood runs cold, instantly stilling my movements. It's as though the entire house has frozen. The only sounds I hear are Rowan's soft steps as he walks into the foyer to answer the door. The door squeaks on its hinges while my heart seems to have slowed to a stop, pausing to listen. I wait, wait to hear the voice of our visitor, hoping for the first time in my life that it might be Johanna.

"Hey kid." Rowan's deep voice carries up the stairs to me.

"Hey Rowan- what happened to your face?" The voice of a boy asks.

"Fell this morning." Rowan mumbles halfheartedly. It's an obvious lie but it's enough put our visitor at ease.

"Can we talk?" That all-too-familiar, youthful voice asks. I hear the door squeak again and footsteps as they walk into the living room. My breath is caught in my throat and my heart has unfrozen, pounding furiously to make up for lost time. That's not Johanna. It's my baby brother. It's Ash.

I want to run downstairs. I want to go to him, pull him into my arms and hold him. I want him to forget that I left him and Holly. I want him to know I still love him but my body is still frozen at the top of the stairs and I'm forced to listen as I wait for my muscles to thaw.

Their conversation carries up the stairs. Ash is talking about school, about some kids who have been messing with him apparently. Messing with him about me and my reputation. And from the sound of it, this isn't the first time.

"She hasn't been on television in a while." Ash says lowly. I can still recognize the anger in his voice. "They're saying that she's too busy in bed with all the men."

There it is- that dagger that has been missing from under my heart. It has finally found it's way back and only my frozen muscles keep me from screaming in pain. He knows everything I've done. How could he not? I didn't raise him to be a fool but still I had hoped that somehow he would remain innocent and ignorant. I had hoped he wouldn't know what the Capitol made me; that I would only have to explain my physical appearance now. But that's not the case. My baby brother has been brutally disillusioned by none other than the sister that raised him.

"Ash, you know that your sister isn't like that." Rowan murmurs. The tears in my eyes don't stop my mind from imagining the two sitting together on the couch, Rowan placing a comforting hand on my brother's shoulder. Ash fuming about my behavior.

"Well it seems like she's changed a lot." He argues; the floorboards creaking indicating he's pacing the room now. "Some of them are even saying she's dead!"

"She's not dead, kid." Rowan assures him firmly, "You know I would tell you if she were."

I know I should go down there. I know he needs to see me to believe Rowan's words for himself. Maybe it would even help him forgive me. But I can't move. I can't walk down those stairs. Not after yesterday. Not now that I've been thrown into another downward spiral by this revelation that my brother knows what I've done.

"Well I hate her for it!" Ash shouts and suddenly I'm not frozen anymore. The dagger has been shoved deeper, straight into my heart but my muscles are free.

My chest starts heaving and I can't stop it. I can't stop the strangled breaths from crawling past my lips. Rowan says something back but I can't hear over the blood coursing through my ears. The next thing I know, I'm in a dark room, a closet I think, curled up in a corner, sitting perfectly still in order to hold back the sobs that are threatening to give way. I can't let Ash see me in this pitiful state. He can't know I'm here.

I'm not sure how long I sit there. A million different situations run through my mind where I face Ash for the first time. They all end the same. He screams at me. He tells me he hates me. My mind doesn't stop racing until a sliver of light falls over my face. He doesn't say anything as he sits down next to me. We sit in silence until he reaches a hand out in the darkness to cover my own.

"I'm a coward." I whisper, pulling my hand from his.

"No." He says softly taking hold of my hand more firmly, "No you're not, Camellia. You're just not ready yet."

He's too nice. He thinks too much of me. I don't know where he finds all this strength in me. I'm furious when the tears start to slide down my cheeks because they only remind me how wrong Rowan is about this. I'm the weakest person I've ever met. I can't even bring myself to face my brother.

"How do you know I will ever be ready? How am I supposed to face him now?" I ask, trying in vain to keep my voice from trembling.

"I don't know, Camellia." He sighs, tightening his hand for a moment on mine, "I don't have all those answers. I guess when the time is right it will happen. It'll just happen."

I open my mouth to say something but instead a pathetic hiccup escapes. I hate myself for it. I want to rip my lungs out for giving me away in the dark. Rowan doesn't say anything about it though, instead waiting silently until I can pull myself together again. I take my hand from his to brush away the last of the tears and wipe my nose with a sniffle.

"Come on." He murmurs, somehow finding my hair and ruffling it even in the darkness of the closet. "Let's get you to bed. You must be beat by now."

And I am. I let him tuck me under the covers against the chill of the night and fall asleep almost instantly. There are no dreams where I go tonight, only darkness that welcomes me and gives me a safe, gentle sleep; a sanctuary from the last two days.

…

"You know, if you're trying to hide, you should probably hold off on the baking while Rowan's out of the house. You can smell that pie for miles and everyone knows it's not me doing the cooking next door." Johanna says as she walks through the door unannounced one afternoon.

"I don't think Rowan wants you to be here." I say softly, pulling out the pie tin from the oven.

"He doesn't care so long as I can keep my mouth shut, Goldenlarch." She retorts, taking a bite out of one of the unused apples that had been sitting on the counter.

"Did he tell you that?" I ask in mock surprise because I know Rowan would never give her permission to simply barge into this house unannounced. I don't really have the patience to deal with her today but the dark haired, dark eyed beauty doesn't seem to get the clue. Or at least she doesn't care. Probably it's the latter.

"Pretty much." She says through a mouthful, "So what the hell do you do to keep busy all day?"

I shrug, "Whatever I can find."

"Sounds boring." She says standing and tossing the apple in her hand as she walks around the counter. "Why are you cowering in your corner here when you could be out there?"

I shrug in response, brushing a stray bit of hair behind my ear. I don't really know the answer myself so there's no way I can explain it to her. Sure I'm still trying to catch my footing here in seven but there's more to it than that. I'm afraid- afraid of what Ash might say; that he might tell me to leave. I figured out that much last night when he told Rowan he hated me.

"You don't think you're a monster now that you've got that nasty little scar, do you?" She questions bluntly, her steal gaze holding my own.

"No." I answer, without a second thought. That much is easy to answer. I know I'm not the monster. I might have when I first arrived back in seven but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that scars don't make a monster. Milo doesn't have a single mark on his body but he's the most horrific monster I know.

Johanna smirks knowingly, throwing the core of her apple into the trash.

"What do you want, Johanna?" I ask because to be honest I don't like her any more than she likes me. I know she's not here for my shining, happy company.

"I was hungry." She replies simply, "I knew you'd have food here. I could smell it." She points at the pie.

"Well you got what you came here for then. You can go." I say as I wave a hand toward the door.

Her eyebrows shoot up at my words. "The little songbird has a mean streak in her. Who would have thought?" She retorts with a chuckle.

I frown, "I just don't see the point in pretending you want to be here."

"It beats sitting alone in my house." She says, shrugging nonchalantly. "When are you going to talk to your family again?" She demands, spitting out the word family as she does so.

"Why do you care, Johanna?" I retort, irritation clear in my voice, "What do you want from me?"

"I care because-" She stops short, staring at me like she doesn't know how we both got here talking about this. "Forget it Goldenlarch. This isn't about me. I thought you might enjoy the company while you bake."

"Well, I'm done baking for the day." I say, scrutinizing her carefully as I speak. Something about her appearance falls when I say this so after a moment I add, "You can help with dinner though- if you really want to stay."

A shadow of a smile momentarily crosses her face before she hides it again, "I prefer baking but beggars can't be choosers I guess." She says brushing past me to take up residence in front of the stove.

"Here cut these up." I say tossing the gathering bag towards her even though she's not ready for it. She turns quickly and manages to catch it, demonstrating her astounding reflexes. I guess I shouldn't expect anything less since I saw her Games for myself. I know what she's capable of. She nods and moves over to the counter while I start making the dough to line a deep dish.

Rowan walks in an hour later just as Johanna is mashing potatoes and I'm draining the water off the last of the fresh summer peas. I look up and he's standing in the doorway of the kitchen looking slightly less confused than a fish out of water.

"What's this then?" He asks, looking to me for a response but Johanna beats me to it.

"I'm staying for dinner, Carson. I promise I didn't slip any poison in." She smiles wickedly as she slides the mashed potatoes to the counter. "Is that pot pie ready yet?" She asks me over her shoulder.

I hand over the dish of peas and crack the oven, "Looks like it." I say and turn my attention back to Rowan, "Johanna decided to drop in this afternoon and stayed to help with dinner."

He takes a step towards me and asks under his breath, "Everything is okay then?"

Johanna hears him, "Of course everything's okay. I don't bite, Rowan." She says with a roll of her eyes, "You of all people should know that."

I frown but Rowan laughs loudly, "I think your words have enough bite most of the time, Johanna." He looks to me again, asking the same question without words and I nod my response.

"I'm starving. You might have sat on your ass all day carving wood dolls Rowan but we've been working here and I'm not about to wait around for you to eat." She says, taking a seat before unceremoniously serving herself a large helping of food.

"Well by all means, Johanna, don't let me be the one to stop you." He says with a smile, taking a seat next to her following suit.

"I don't intend on it." She retorts through a mouthful.

They banter back and fourth for most of the meal and I have to wonder how often they've done this in the past. They know each other better than I would have imagined considering Rowan spent most of his time intoxicated less than two years ago. Johanna heads out almost immediately after she finishes eating. Rowan joins me to wash up all the dishes from dinner.

We're just about finished and we haven't spoken a word when Rowan turns to face me with a towel still in hand, "Alright, are you going to tell me what's up with you or are you going to make me guess?"

"What are you talking about?" I question, continuing to scrub the pan in the sink.

"You've hardly said a word since I got home today." He says and I can feel his eyes fixed on me so I look up.

"There wasn't a lot of room to talk during dinner. You and Johanna seemed to keep the conversation going easily enough." I explain, staring him blankly in the eyes.

He shrugs nonchalantly, "We just understand each other. We have a lot in common."

"How often does she just stop by unannounced?" I ask, trying to keep my voice even. I can't put into words why I'm suddenly so irritated with him.

"Not that often. What does that have to do wi-" He stops as his eyes narrow and a smile curls at the corners of his mouth, "Are you jealous?"

My heart flips to protest the absurdity of his accusation, as my irritation explodes into anger, "No! I hardly know the two of you! It would make sense that you both would have more to talk about. Why would I be jealous?"

"You just sounded jealous to me." He says with a knowing smile. He's joking with me and all I want to do is wipe the smirk off his face. Can't he tell how frustrated I am with him?

"It's hard to be jealous of a dysfunctional pair of Victors." I snap before I think about what I'm saying. The effect is instantaneous and I've gotten what I wanted. He looks as though I've smacked the grin right off his face.

He just stares at me like that for a moment before softly asking, "Dysfunctional. Seriously?"

I open my mouth but I don't know what to say. All the anger seems to have disappeared along with my cruel words and now I'm left with the mess to clean up. I can't take the words I've said back. He walks out of the room without a second glance and I hear the click of the front door a few moments later indicating he's left the house. I don't bother running after him, knowing I'm the last person he would want to talk to right now.

I shower and get ready for bed in hopes that Rowan will return home before I finish. When I'm done, I check his room and find it empty and undisturbed so I try downstairs. The house however is still silent and I know I'm alone. My stomach churns but it's different than it was weeks earlier. This gnawing feeling in my stomach has nothing to do with the morphling and everything to do with Rowan's absence. It's similar to what I felt one day when Ash and Holly wandered off without letting me know where they were going. I'm worried about him. My mind begins concocting horrible stories about where he may have gotten to and what might have happened to him. I sit in the living room and wait for him to come home but an hour and a half later he's still missing and I can't stand waiting around anymore.

I make another round of the house and am just about resolved to go looking for him in town when finally I find him. I let out a sigh of relief at the sight of Rowan's body sitting in the moonlight outside. Grabbing my jacket, I walk out to join him. He doesn't acknowledge me as I sit down and for a moment I'm not sure what to say to him. All that time waiting for him to come home and it never occurred to me to think of what I would say to him.

"I didn't mean to upset you earlier." I say softly, "I didn't mean anything by it. I'm actually pretty dysfunctional too if you haven't noticed."

He lifts his green eyes to meet my own but doesn't say anything. Clearly my words struck a sore cord with him and he's not ready to let it go. So I start to ramble on, trying to somehow explain my behavior.

I shrug, "I think we all are a little messed up; some more than others. Maybe I was sort of jealous. It's just… you and Johanna seem really close and I'm so used to being your only company… I'm not like Johanna. I can't just brush everything off. I'm not as strong as she is."

This earns a small smile that makes my heart flutter hopefully, "I'm glad you aren't like her, Camellia. She doesn't brush things off as easily as you think. That's why she comes off so harsh sometimes. She's weak, just in different ways; ways that are harder to see."

"I'm sorry, Rowan." I whisper in response, reaching out to cover his hand with mine. "I shouldn't have said those things."

"It's okay." He replies, "I'm sure I'll make up for it later."

I chuckle because he's probably right. He'll manage to say something to piss me off between now and our final meeting, whenever that might be.

"We should get to bed. It's late and Cypress will be expecting you in the morning." I suggest, standing and holding a hand out to him.

He takes it even though he doesn't need the help to stand. He doesn't let go once he's on his feet however, instead leading me into the house by our entangled hands. He doesn't let go until we're standing in front of the door to my bedroom.

"I'm glad you came home." I whisper, causing his eyes to focus on my face. Even in the dim light of the hallway they're a piercing green that seems to look straight into my thoughts.

"Why wouldn't I have come home?" He questions.

I shrug, squirming uncomfortably under his gaze. "I thought you might go somewhere and get drunk. I was afraid you wouldn't come back- that I screwed up too much."

"I thought about it." He says bluntly and I hang my head. Rowan has been so kind since he took me in all those weeks ago. I feel like a total bitch for driving him so close to drinking. My cheeks flush embarrassedly but thankfully he probably can't tell in such dim lighting.

"Camellia, look at me." He murmurs softly, reaching to brush a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I look up and hope he can't see how upset I am. "You screwed up. What you said was mean and it sounded like something that Johanna would have said. That doesn't mean I'm going to ditch you though. And it wouldn't have been your fault if I'd gone out and drank. You would have been the one to make me upset but drinking is _my_ way of coping. That would have been my choice. I don't want you blaming yourself for that. Understand?"

I nod, "I still would have felt horrible. Even more than I already do anyway."

"It's okay." He says, smiling softly before pulling me into his arms for a hug. "Sometimes those damn words jump out of our minds too fast." He jokes and I laugh into his chest, in no hurry to pull away.

When we do break apart, we're both smiling and it's almost as though this evening never really happened. I hurry off to bed and he does the same, knowing that tomorrow will be a new day and we'll keep on living just like we always have.

…

Two weeks pass and the morning dawns unseasonably warm. Rowan has already departed for the day and is probably sitting on Cypress's porch carving away. On a morning like this it's impossible to stay inside, especially knowing that the snow could arrive any moment.

I eat a quick breakfast and set out for the pond in the foothills where Linden and I used to spend so many of our afternoons. The trees are lit up with the fall, all golds and reds as fallen leaves crunch under my tread. I smile as a mockingjay alights on a branch just ahead of me in the forest and starts to sing a sweet melody. I sing it's song back which seems to delight the small bird as it continues to fly just in front of me and sing.

The sun is high in the sky by the time I arrive and I've started sweating on the journey. I look around and, of course, no one is there. The water is bound to be freezing this late in the fall but the sun is warm enough that I can dry off out on the bank of the pond once I've cooled off. I slip out of my clothes leaving only my undergarments on and jump into the chilly pond water.

Occasionally, Linden and I would bring the kids out here on warm days to swim. These memories don't bring sadness to me today however as I float slowly through the water. On such a perfect day as this it would be impossible to feel sad about happy memories. Instead, they bring hope. Soon I'll rejoin Ash and Holly and perhaps life can start to fall back into some sort of grounded normalcy.

Lately things have been better than usual. I haven't been craving the morphling as much and I think about it less and less. I haven't had a truly bad day in over a week now. On really good days like this though, I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo, not living in the real world at all. I figure this means that soon I'll be ready to rejoin my family but I haven't quite figured out how to handle that.

I continue to drift on the smooth water and think about how I might return home. I swim a few laps around the pond, coming to no firm conclusion, before I lay back on the bank and let the sun's rays dry me off. As groups of songbirds fly overhead singing their joyful songs, sleep begins to pull at me. I know that I shouldn't let myself since I should be keeping a look out in case someone wanders by, but I my eyelids slowly drift close and I tumble into a sweet, soft sleep.

"Camellia." Rowan calls softly, his voice so gentle on the soft warm breeze of the afternoon.

I wake slowly with a small smile. He's standing a few feet away, his auburn hair glinting in the sunlight like one of the autumn trees behind him. It's not until I notice the surprised look on his face that I remember my situation.

"Don't look!" I shriek and grab for my shirt, pulling it swiftly over my body and the scars that were so blatantly exposed moments ago. He appeases me and turns his back to me as I pull on my pants just as quickly before demanding, "What are you doing here?"

He chuckles and turns to face me again, "I got back to the house and you weren't there. I figured you'd be out here somewhere so I came looking for you. You're not the most unpredictable person, Camellia." He pauses and walks closer to me before softly adding, "I found you."

I look down and blush, "I didn't mean to fall asleep like that. I didn't hear you coming. You shouldn't have looked."

"Well, I didn't know I'd wander across a sleeping, half-naked girl in the process of looking for you." He says with a soft smile as he reaches for my hands.

"It's embarrassing." I say letting him wrap his fingers with mine, though my stomach is flipping agitatedly in my abdomen. I can tell my face must be flushed bright red over all of this.

"Why?" He asks seriously.

"I didn't want you to see me like this." I say still looking down at our hands, staring at the pink scar spanning my forearm.

He breaks our hands apart and cups my chin in his hands to make me look at him, "Don't ever be embarrassed by your scars, Camellia." His face is serious and I notice he has flecks of gold scattered right around his iris like sunlight through the trees.

"I'm not." I mumble, "They just look gross. You shouldn't have to see that even if it is an accident."

His face softens and he gives half a smile before he whispers, "I said you were beautiful the night of the Victory Tour. I might have been drunk at the time but it's just as true today. You're still beautiful."

How many men had moaned those words to me out of desire? But this is different. At this moment, I'm far from beautiful by Capitol standards. My hair is bedraggled from swimming and needs a good brushing. I have scars visible on my jaw and forearm not to mention those that are now covered by my shirt. I have no makeup on and my nail beds are a complete mess that would horrify Elexia. Still his face is so earnest, vulnerable, as he says the words that my heart skips a beat.

His hands drop my chin and one slides back, as his thumb brushes over the scar on my jaw. He moves slowly, allowing me time to stop him or to pull away. But before I really comprehend what's happening, Rowan's lips are soft and warm on mine, questioning ever so gently.

I hesitate for a moment before I feel something flipping around in my chest as I naturally rise onto my toes to meet him. I'm not supposed to feel like this again. I swore I would never feel like this again, not after everything in the Capitol. Am I betraying Linden now, feeling like this with another man? How can I do this after all those men forced their tongues into my mouth? Does he want me because he knows how many men I've been with? No. That's not Rowan. Rowan has been by my side since the day I was thrown back onto District 7. Rowan cares about me; how deeply I can't really say, although apparently enough to kiss me.

His lips glide gently over mine, warming me slowly, unfreezing a part of me I hadn't realized had gone so cold. I don't pull away as his arm wraps around me while the thumb of his other hand continues to brush lightly over my jaw. My hands find their way to his chest, twining in his shirt, pulling him closer to me because I haven't felt like this, so free and so safe, since the day Linden was reaped. It's intoxicating and instantly addicting. I never want to let go and I never want him to stop. He can't possibly have any idea how profoundly his lips are effecting me.

My stomach melts and takes my knees with it but Rowan's arms are wrapped so firmly around my waist it doesn't matter whether I can stand on my own or not. I realize in the back of my muddled mind that that is one of the reasons I've grown so close to Rowan. He brings with him a sort of solid ground, invisible but undoubtedly comforting after the bottom seemingly fell out of my life two years ago.

I break away first for air but our lips hang only centimeters from one another. I look up into those evergreen eyes again with so many questions, none of which I can verbalize at the moment as I catch my breath.

"So there's that." He whispers with a smile.

"What is that?" I ask.

He gives his head a small shake, "I'm not sure what to call it but I meant it."

Even though I'm confused by the thoughts buzzing through my mind, I smile up at him and brush my lips against his again, "An honest answer." I whisper which elicits a laugh but he doesn't let go and I don't try to pull away. It's been so long since this kind of closeness felt okay, good even.

"Camellia?" A voice calls from a distance, shocked and a little shaky.

I jump away from Rowan as panic rises in me because I know that voice better than my own. I turn to see Ash standing at the top of the hill, looking confused and hurt and angry and so much older than I remember him.

**AN:** There you have it for another week! I hope you all enjoyed it and I hope to have the next one up next week. Feel free to let me know what you're thinking. Reviews are better than lazy days at the beach!


	29. Chapter 29- Going Home

**AN: **Another week has gone and with it comes a new chapter! I want to thank all of you so much for your adds/reviews over the last chapter- you are all awesome. I also want to (somewhat creepily) welcome all the new Australian readers to the family. You overwhelmed the U.S. in my stats box this week and I just thought you deserved a hearty welcome. And now enough of that, I know what you're all really here for- Part 29!

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I do not own The Hunger Games._

**Part 29- Coming Home**

My heart stops for what feels like an eternity until Ash breaks the silence.

"You're here." He states taking a few steps closer to us shaking his head. "With Rowan." His tone tells me he's still confused; like when you wake up in the morning and you're not sure if you're in your own bed or not.

I open my mouth to explain everything, to tell him how much I love him, but all I can manage is a breathy, "Yeah."

"You've been here then. Doing this?" He demands, anger clearly edging into his voice, "Ignoring that we still exist and spending time kissing Rowan?"

I shake my head. He's grown so much. He's only a few inches shorter than I am now and his curly hair is longer than I remember. My hands ache to pull him to me and never let him go again. "No, Ash, I-"

"Don't!" He yells, the sound deafening to my ears, "Were you ever going to come home to us? Or were you just planning on running back to the Capitol to pretend you don't have us burdening you?"

"Ash-" I try, stepping closer to him and holding a hand out.

"Two years, Camellia. Do you know how much Holly misses you everyday?" He questions furiously as he steps away from me.

"Ash, come on-" Rowan steps forward to put a hand on his shoulder but Ash pulls out from underneath him and backs away.

"You stay away from me! I trusted you! Both of you just leave us alone!" He shouts as he backs away up the hill, "We don't need either one of you! We're fine without you!" And with that, he turns and runs back towards the woods.

"Ash!" I cry out after him but he doesn't turn around or even slow down. I move to run after him but Rowan grabs my arm.

"Let go of me!" I shout, attempting to yank my arm from his grasp but he holds firm.

"Let him go." He says in a low tone. "Give him time to cool off."

"I can't. He doesn't understand!" I argue still struggling against his grip even though deep in my mind I know he's right.

"And what will you say to him, hmm? How are you going to make him understand through his anger right now?" He inquires. I sigh in defeat. Nothing I say to Ash right now will get through to him; Rowan's logic can't be beaten.

"Then," I say with another sigh as I tug nervously at my hair, "Then let's go home I guess."

He nods and puts an arm around my shoulders as we start walking over the hills towards the section of woods that lies behind my house. I continue to fidget, pulling at my shirt, picking bits of grass and lint from the fabric, running my hands over my hair in an attempt to force it to lie down, anything to keep my hands occupied.

Rowan squeezes my shoulder gently, "You look fine. It's going to be fine." He assures me softly.

"Because it's already gone so well." I point out nervously.

"This part will go more smoothly." He murmurs comfortingly, "Holly hasn't had such a hard time with it. She'll just be thrilled to see you again."

I let out a sharp breath at his reassurances but it doesn't cause him to miss a beat. He smiles at me, that smile that makes my stomach somersault, and I have to look away to keep a rogue smile from creeping onto my face. Now is not the time to let his smile melt me. I'm too nervous for that and with every step we edge closer to what I fear most.

By the time I step up to the front door, I can only take quick shallow breaths and I hope I won't faint. I swear I can hear ringing in my ears, a telltale sign that I'll be passed out on the ground in a few moments. It takes a moment before I realize that the ringing is coming from the wind chime that Holly and Ash gave me on my eighteenth birthday, still hanging from the tree and creating soft music in the wind. I raise my hand toward the door but hesitate. I don't know whether I should walk in or knock. It is my house but they aren't expecting me and it's been two years.

Rowan decides for me and raps three times on the door. I hear feet run across the floor inside before the door is thrown open and Holly, my little Holly who has grown so much, is standing smiling in the doorway.

Her smile falters when she sees me standing there and is replaced with shock. I attempt to step backward but Rowan has his hand at the small of my back and he's not letting me get away so easily. We stare at one another in complete silence for an eternity, or maybe only a few moments. It's long enough that I'm pressing back against Rowan's hand, ready to hide in the woods, when all of the sudden she throws her arms around my waist and squeezes so tightly I wonder if she ever intends to let go. My heart soars. I'm sure it's going to burst out of my chest at any moment as my hands find her hair and twine into it. I don't mind one bit if she never lets go because I don't ever want her out of my reach again.

"Holly." I whisper as tears fill my eyes and I bend down to her height so I can pull her closer.

"Camellia," She cries as tears pour down her face, "You- came- back."

"Of course I did." I say as I pull her back from me, holding onto her shoulders, "Let me look at you! You've grown up so much!"

Her hair is longer now but it still curls perfectly in little blonde rings that she's pulled back with a well-worn blue ribbon. She's taller too, reaching just below my chest. Her cheeks are rosy and her green eyes still seem to light up even through her tears.

She puts her hands on either side of my face and looks at me in awe as if she can't believe I'm really there, "I missed you so much." She says in a weak voice that still makes her sound like the little girl I left two years ago.

I hear the floor creak inside and Maggie appears in the doorway looking as though she's just woken up. She looks out the door for a moment before her face breaks into a broad smile and she steps forward to pull me into a hug.

"Thank you, Maggie." I say softly as I return the hug, "For everything."

She brushes a piece of hair out of my face and gives my cheek a pat before going back inside and rustling about the kitchen.

"Come inside!" Holly commands excitedly as she grabs my hand and adds, "You too, Row!"

I turn and see he's still there wearing a soft smile as he watches us. I give a small smile and follow Holly inside to sit on the couch with her in my lap.

"I saw you sing!" She exclaims excitedly with bright eyes, "But that was a long time ago. Maggie wouldn't let me watch you more." She gives a little pout at the thought.

"Good for Maggie." I say, silently thankful that I wouldn't have to explain why I looked and behaved the way I did in the Capitol. She will only know what I tell her.

"Was it fun?" She questions.

"Sometimes." I lie. "But I would rather have been here the whole time." I finish, giving her sides a poke and she giggles.

Maggie hands us each a plate with bread and honey on it.

"You're still harvesting the honey?" I ask in surprise.

"Yes!" Holly responds with an excited wiggle, "I help Laurel. She says we should still take care of the bees."

I look to Maggie who nods to confirm, "Well, how smart of Laurel. I'm glad you did. It will make things much easier next spring."

"Laurel is seeing a boy." Holly whispers conspiratorially with a smile, "His name is Cedar but we just call him Cee. They'll get married now that you're home!"

"What do you mean now that I'm home?" I ask quizzically.

"Laurel said she wanted you to be here when she got married because you're her best friend." She explains as she takes a bite of the white, baker's bread. As she chews, her face flushes red. "Oops. That was supposed to be a secret."

"Oh, I see." I say taking a bite of my own bread, realizing how hungry I am. "I bet she wouldn't mind you sharing with me but I can act surprise when the time comes anyway."

We sit chatting for hours and the sun has set when the door opens again. Ash walks in and sees us sitting on the couch before he turns and heads back out, slamming the door behind him.

Rowan stands, "I'm going to go talk to him for a minute." He says as he heads out the door.

Maggie stands and starts to prepare dinner as Holly continues to chat my ear off about some girl at school who she seems to hold in high esteem.

"We should help Maggie don't you think?" I suggest to Holly and she nods, hopping down and taking over the chopping of vegetables while I take up station at the frying pan.

A while later, Rowan reenters the house alone and I raise an eyebrow in silent inquiry.

"Ash needs a few minutes but he said he'd come in for dinner." He explains before adding, "I'm going to head home."

"There's plenty here." I say, surprised, "You should join us."

He shakes his head, "This is your first meal back together. You need to enjoy it."

"Please stay, Row!" Holly begs and Maggie pulls out a chair looking pointedly at him.

He looks back at me with a hint of a smirk on his face but I can tell he's still waiting for my permission. He doesn't want to overstep some invisible boundary but I realize what he's really asking about. Do I still want him around after this morning? As if I could want anything else. I can't imagine him leaving me alone now.

"Please." I say softly, "Stay."

He chuckles and takes the seat Maggie offered him, "I guess there's no sense in arguing with three ladies." Holly giggles and he messes her hair playfully. My heart skips watching the way she looks at him. She worships him; it's obvious.

"Row took us to the fall festival!" Holly chirps joyously. "And I competed in pole climbing but I didn't win. I wanted to climb the tree but they wouldn't let me."

I laugh at this, "Well I'm sure you could beat all those other kids at tree climbing."

She beams and sits down next to Rowan, "Sit here, Camellia." She says patting the seat next to her other side. I set plates on the table with Maggie and then take the seat as indicated. Holly keeps chattering on until Ash walks through the door with a dark look on his face. She pauses midsentence, watching his stormy gaze but he sits down civilly and she continues on.

Ash doesn't speak while we all finish eating but he could be speaking volumes with his silence. Every so often I can feel his gaze burning into me and my appetite fades away every time. It's a heavy and uncomfortable environment and if it weren't for Holly's cheerful stories, I'm sure it would be unbearable.

"Thanks for dinner." Rowan says, standing to help clear off the table once we've all finished. Ash remains seated and never attempting to move. Rowan only hangs around for a moment before announcing his departure and heading for the door, "I'll see everyone around."

Maggie, always tactful, ushers Holly upstairs presumably to help her pack the few possessions she owns. She must intend on leaving for her own house this evening. All too soon, I find myself alone with Ash, who is still sitting at the table staring at me detachedly.

"Ash, I'm sorry." I whisper. He doesn't say anything but his gaze drops to his hands, folded on the table. I pause, waiting for him to say something but he doesn't so I resort to begging, "Please, Ash, say something."

He hesitates for a minute, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly through his teeth before coolly demanding, "Rowan said I needed to let you explain. So go ahead. Explain why you were hiding in seven when we were all here waiting for you."

"I- Ash, I had a lot to figure out when I got back." I hesitate unsure of what to explain. "I was messed up after the Capitol. Juni and Rowan were helping me get back on my feet. I was going to contact you soon..."

"You were messed up. What does that mean?" He interjects bluntly, sounding not at all convinced.

"I- I had an accident in the Capitol." I say softly.

"What happened?" Clearly I'm not going to get away without some details.

"I got some bad burns." I whisper with a shaky voice.

"Burns." He repeats flatly and looks at me but his face registers surprise when he notices the scar on my jaw. "What from?"

"An accident." I say choosing my words carefully, "At a- a party of sorts. I fell into a fireplace."

"Yeah you went to a lot of parties from what I hear." He gives me a skeptical look but doesn't question me farther about the cause of my scars, "Are you okay now?"

I smile weakly, "Yeah. I am."

"Are there more? Besides the one on your face?" He asks nodding his head in my direction.

I turn my arm over to show another, "Yeah. Most of them are covered. They're mostly on my torso."

"When were you planning on telling us you were back?"

"I wasn't supposed to be back for another two weeks. I was going to contact you then." I explain trying not to let the pleading tone into my voice but I'm so desperate for him to understand that I didn't do this to hurt him.

"And you couldn't just let us know you were here and sick?"

I shake my head, "I was really in a bad place when I got back. I thought it would be better to wait until I was more myself-"

"I saw you on the television." He says, cutting me off bluntly. "I saw what you became. I know there was more to it than just the burns."

I open my mouth to defend myself but nothing comes out. I breathe deely and try again, "Ash, I know you've had a hard time. I know that the kids at school-"

"Rowan, told you that?" He demands, wide-eyed and angry.

"Not exactly." I say softly, realizing that I might have just made things worse with this verbal misstep.

Confusion washes over his face before the words connect, "You were there. You were there and you didn't tell me! You couldn't even bring yourself down the damn stairs to talk to me!" He shouts. The fury behind his eyes is unmistakable.

"It's complicated. I wanted to but I- I couldn't." I whisper, my voice cracking pathetically as I say the last words.

"You couldn't?" He repeats exasperatedly. I know there's nothing I can say that would make this better. I've essentially smacked him across the face by admitting that I had every opportunity to make contact with him but failed to do so.

"I was so messed up, Ash." I state dully. He intervenes before I can try and explain myself further.

"They hurt you didn't they?" He demands with a dark look. It catches me off guard. I expected him to lash out at me even more viciously than he has been, not that he would connect the lack of my presence with the Capitol not just my injuries.

"I- y- yes, but I don't want you to know all of that, Ash." I whisper, "It's too much for one person."

"And it's not too much for you?" He asks, "Last time I checked, you were still only one person, Camellia."

He doesn't sound a bit like he's twelve years old.

"I've been working through it." I shrug.

He nods and we're silent for a long time before he speaks again, "I know more than you think. I watched for you on the television at night when I couldn't sleep. I saw what a mess you were. People in town saw too. They're talking."

"I know." I say softly, rubbing a hand roughly over my face. "They'll get over it. It'll just take time." I add, partly to sooth him but mostly to convince myself that things would get better if I was just patient. There's silence for a while as we both mull over everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. I never would have expected the day to take this turn this morning when I left for the foothills.

"We never saw most of the money you sent." Ash breaks the silence as if the thought suddenly occurs to him.

I frown, "What do you mean?"

"The Capitol skimmed off the top. We've had enough to live on. But I know they promised a lifetime of riches for you. We definitely don't have that." He explains flatly, "Wasn't really worth it, was it?"

He stands and goes up to bed without another word. Maggie returns from upstairs a few minutes later carrying a linen bag. Holly doesn't tag along behind her so I assume she's gone to bed along with Ash.

"Maggie," I say walking up and giving her a hug again, "Thank you again for everything." There's no way I can put my gratitude into words. But I think she gets the general idea. I owe her my life.

She gives a warm smile and returns my hug.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here a little longer? Even another night? We have room. I don't mind sleeping on the couch tonight." I offer but she shakes her head. She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek before slowly heading out the front door toward her home.

I head upstairs to my parent's bedroom, which looks exactly the same except there's no fine layer of dust as there was two years ago. Maggie has been sleeping here and I figure now I should too. The room has been dead to me for so many years, I expected that it would cause me grief to stay here now. However, my decision to sleep here surprisingly doesn't distress me, as it would have two years ago. Instead, it gives me a sense of comfort knowing that I'm as close as I can get to my parents. I figure I should grab whatever comfort I can get after everything I've been through.

I realize all of my clothes are still at Rowan's house so I pull out an old shirt of my father's to sleep in. As I curl up under the blankets, I swear I can still smell him in the fabric.

I sleep restlessly, waking up every few hours throughout the night. I didn't realize how much I've come to rely on Rowan's presence to sleep until now. Although I've been sleeping better over the last couple of weeks, Rowan has been joining me halfway through the night more often than not. As another nightmare jolts me awake for the third time tonight, I realize why I had so often sought out Rowan's arms. Somehow, subconsciously as I lay sleeping, Rowan has been able to chase off the nightmares and racing thoughts. I try my best to ward off these dreams on my own but I'm less than successful. I give up and go downstairs when the blackness outside starts to fade into grey. I stoke the fire and sit in front of it, gathering financial statements from the Capitol to spread out in front of me.

I pick one up at random and see that Ash was right. There at the top of the paper is the enormous amount of money I had earned, a mind-boggling number that anyone who has never left the district would find absurd. Under it are the deductions I made buying my necessities, mostly morphling, which is also an absurdly large number. However, under this is another huge deduction labeled Capitol money transfer tax and another deduction for trans-district banking fees.

After all is said and done, the number at the bottom of the page indicating the amount of money my family actually received is a pittance. Don't get me wrong, most families in the district would still celebrate the number, however it is nowhere close to what I was promised. One week's salary from my time in the Capitol should have been more than enough to live freely on for several months at least. However, after the Capitol took its share, a week's pay could last about a month if there were no extraneous purchases.

It shouldn't surprise me at this point, after all, the Capitol has taken everything that it can from me up until this point, but I still feel shocked by the papers in front of me. There's plenty still saved in the bank, yes, but I still feel betrayed. That was my money. I gave everything I had, everything I was, to earn that money. I deserved it. But the Capitol apparently sees differently. I have the sudden urge to set the whole place on fire, to somehow fly out to the Capitol and let flames rain down from me, but I know that's impossible.

A creak from the floorboards overhead signals that someone has woken up. The soft footfalls on the stairs reveal Holly moments later and she walks over to settle down next to me on the floor. She smiles up at me, her curly hair slightly mussed.

"What are you doing?" She asks looking curiously at the papers in front of me. Her eyes fall to my thigh, which is exposed since I never bothered changing out of my father's shirt from last night, "What happened, Camellia?" She asks in fear when she sees my scar there that twists around from my inner to outer thigh. It looks far worse than it is since the skin there is still uneven and a deep pink that looks angry and painful.

"I had an accident and got a lot of burns when I was in the Capitol." I explain to her, "These don't hurt anymore though. They're just scars."

It's only a partial lie. Now that they're healed, they don't _hurt_; they're more uncomfortable now than anything. The thin skin stretched tightly over the damaged areas reminds me of fragile paper. When I touch it, it feels as though it might burst or rip at any moment and I know that _would_ hurt. Holly brings me back to reality when she continues her assessment of my new body.

"Is that what happened here too?" She asks in awe as she brushes her fingers over my jaw. She must not have noticed it in all her joy last night even though I'd done nothing to hide it.

I give a small smile, "Yeah, Holly it is."

"Oh." She replies and then gives a smile, "I'm glad you're okay now and that you're back here."

"Me too, Holly." I smile softly, "Me too." I am silently thankful that she's accepted my explanation so easily. I don't think I could handle another confrontation like the one last night with Ash. My head throbs just thinking about how complicated it all is, how much damage I've caused to the relationship.

Holly and I spend the day much like the morning- doing nothing but it feels like everything. It's the exact opposite of Ash's reception. Holly wants me to know everything, to catch me up so it's like I never left. The warmth and comfort washes over me all at once and I realize that I've come home. I haven't felt this right since the day I left them. This is where I'm meant to be, as if there were ever any question of it. My heart belongs to my siblings, there's no denying it.

By the time dinner is on the table, Ash has returned from the woods and is splitting firewood. He'd left early in the morning, silently crossing the living room but he hadn't slammed the door behind him so I assume he's not quite so upset after our talk. He eats silently and lets Holly domineer the conversation again, which she seems all too happy to do. He stays to help clean up before he goes to bed and I shuffle Holly off to do the same since they both have school in the morning.

The night is cold and finally starting to feel like autumn so I curl up with a cup of pine needle tea in front of the fireplace. I find that I still don't know what to do with my idle time so my mind falls to thinking about things best left alone. Milo's voice seems to whisper on the wind outside my door, conjuring up memories that I never wanted to think of again. I shiver but stop short when there's a soft tap on the door. I stand and answer it after shaking off my thoughts.

"Hey," Rowan says holding up my old bag full of belongings that I'd left at his house, "I figured you might want these."

"Thanks," I say, stepping aside to let him walk past me into the living room. "I would have brought them over earlier but I didn't think about it. Got so used to your stuff hanging around that it didn't strike me that you don't have anything at your house to wear." He explains and softly adds, "It clicked when I came back from Cypress's house today. I told him you were back." He looks at me with a questioning look, wondering if this is okay even though we both know it's too late to take it back now.

I nod, "I'll stop by and see them soon." I say taking my bag from him and setting it on the edge of the couch.

"How are things going?" He asks nodding his head towards the stairs.

"Fine." I reply lightly, "Well, better anyway. Ash still doesn't want to be around me but he doesn't seem as angry."

"Just give him time," He says with an understanding nod, "He'll come around. I was the same way after... after I first got back. I shut everyone out. Some people just cope like that."

"I feel like I screwed everything up." I say guiltily, settling down on the beat-up couch.

"You didn't." He reassures me taking the seat next to me. "He still loves you, Camellia."

"I'm starting to wonder about that. How do you know I haven't screwed it up too much? What if he can't let it go?" I say, thinking out loud.

"You haven't. People get mad." Rowan soothes, "He'll get past this."

We fall into silence, staring at the fire as I think about Ash and how different his reaction was from what I had hoped for, though so similar to what I imagined. Maybe I was crazy for thinking I could come home and both my siblings would be ecstatic to see me. Ash was angry the day I left; why wouldn't he be angry when I came back? I just hope Rowan's right and he comes around in time. I can't stand the way he stares at me like I'm some strange person and not the sister that raised him.

"I've got something for you." Rowan breaks the silence and fumbles around in his pocket. "I was saving it for when you were officially supposed to be going home but then it was unexpected. I figure a day late isn't so bad."

He holds out a small wooden pendant hanging on a length of twine. I look down at it and pick it up with a smile. It's the Tree of Life, a common symbol in District 7, often given to the head of house, a reminder that they hold the family together. It resembles a large, old oak tree except even more magnificent and the roots have been carved in below the ground line.

"Did you do this?" I ask with a smile and look up at him.

He's smiling too, "Yeah. It took me a few tries but Cypress coached me and I finally got it right."

"This is wonderful." I say earnestly and tie it around my neck carefully. "Thank you so much, Rowan."

"You're welcome, Camellia." He murmurs softly, "Welcome home."

His lips brush against mine before I have time to react but they are gone almost as soon as they touch leaving behind a pleasant warmth. He doesn't move away from me however and I can smell the musky scent of the woods on him, a comforting reminder that I'm home in District 7. The Capitol spends absurd amounts of money to make scented waters that could never come close to smelling as good as Rowan does after a walk through the woods.

"What are we doing here, Rowan?" I whisper in question, struggling to form the words while still breathing in his scent.

He shakes his head, "Do we have to put a name to it right now, Camellia?"

I shrug but continue to look up at him.

"I don't know exactly. Who knows what it will turn into?" He explains, "I just know that I like it. It feels good. Isn't that enough?"

He's honest at least and I can't blame him for not knowing what I can't even explain myself. It's not like when I kissed Linden but it's not like it was in the Capitol either. This is more. More what though? Passion, desire, desperation, comfort, mutual? The words run through my mind but none of them seem completely right. But there's one thing I know- it does feel good. When I kiss Rowan, all the nightmares and horrible thoughts that plague me don't seem quite so close. They're dulled because all I want is more from him, like he's a life source. I want to be closer and I want him to keep my nightmares at bay.

I nod, "I guess it has to be enough for now," I whisper and close the space between us again, letting my body take over because I don't know what else to say.

Nervous butterflies start fluttering in my chest but I try to beat them down as Rowan pulls me onto his lap. It's too much like my memories. Flashes of me in the back of cars on top of different men rush through my mind but I just press my lips more firmly against Rowan's and he doesn't protest, pulling me closer, hands grazing my sides leaving trails of fire behind them.

His lips move to my jaw and I can feel little puffs of air against my skin before he plants gentle kisses along my scar. I brush my hands through his hair and mold my body closer to his. It's addictive, his ability to dull even those thoughts that I haven't been able to banish since I stopped using morphling.

And I don't want him to leave. The thought strikes me suddenly, like stone thrown into my brain. The fluttering in my chest freezes momentarily at the idea that Rowan might decide he doesn't want to be around me. An unbearable pang pulses through me so I do what I know keeps men close, what keeps them in desire. I push myself closer to him, deepening the kiss.

He lets out a deep sigh and it's so familiar that I know that I'm succeeding. How many men would sigh and groan while I was in their arms? How long will it be before he takes control and claims what he really wants? This thought causes a wave of panic but I push the thought from my mind, brushing my fingers over his skin lightly, trying to elicit another satisfied sigh. His body feels different against mine, like an inferno, lighting me up with every touch.

"Rowan." I whisper and he understands immediately. He stands, still holding me in his arms as I wrap my legs around his waist, a trick I quickly learned in the Capitol. I won't let go now; I'm not sure I can. I can't let him leave me. I nip lightly at his collarbone and he let's out a low grumble as he walks up the stairs and closes us safely away in my parent's old room. He sets me down on the bed, gently untangling my legs from him as he takes off his shirt before joining me.

He slides over me and his hand slips under the hem of my shirt as our lips come crashing back together again. I hardly notice as he pulls my shirt over my head, our lips parting for only a moment before they rejoin in their urgent dance. It's strange to feel his skin under my palms, against my chest, and my stomach churns. I mentally reprimand myself. This is where I was leading things so why would it upset me now? I shiver but I can't tell if it's in disgust or pleasure as one of his hands skims lightly up my side. I knew this was going to happen but I can't stop the nervousness as my mind fully recognizes what's coming.

He nips my bottom lip and I oblige as he explores the depths of my mouth, I don't know how to say no anyway. I'm not sure what he likes, what he's thinking, what he wants me to do so I do what I've always done with me and I slide my hands down his chest, reaching the button of his pants and move to undo them. As I let my hands slowly slide inside, Rowan grabs hold of my wrists and pins them down above my head, deepening our kiss further as he does.

Instantly my body seizes and everything comes crashing down on top of me. I pull away from him as the memories assault me. I can't breath and I'm panting trying to slide out from under his body but I can't, he's too heavy. He's still holding onto me, kissing down my neck. I squirm and close my eyes trying to banish that leering face from my mind. Not this. Not again. The bile rises from my still churning stomach into my throat and I swallow dryly trying to force it back down.

"Stop it." The words are just a whimper, barely loud enough for me to be sure I said them out loud but he must hear. His hands release mine immediately, his body backing away from my own in an instant.

I scramble to sit up and look down at the covers, humiliated by this situation I've gotten us into.

"Camellia, what's wrong?" I hear his voice- Milo's and I nearly vomit. But it's not Milo. Milo would never care what's wrong with me. It's Rowan and he's speaking so softly as he places a hand gently on my bare shoulder that I can barely hold back the sobs building inside me.

I shudder at his touch but I don't move away from it. It's Rowan. I'm in District 7. This is not the Capitol. Rowan will not hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

"Camellia?" He whispers when I don't answer. I can hear the concern in his voice and I feel guilty for causing it.

"It's him." I state so softly I'm sure he can barely hear me. "I thought of him. I saw him and I heard him. I panicked."

I watch his face darken for just a moment. He's angry. Angry like Milo was that night. I've started that same raging fire that was inside Milo. I'm nearly ready to bolt from the room but I watch as his face it softens again focusing on my face. I feel stupid in that moment. He's not going to hurt me. He's not cruel like Milo.

"It's okay." He whispers as his thumb brushes the scar along my jaw. "You're safe here."

The trembling starts without any warning. I nod and pull on my shirt as I concentrate on steadying my breathing. I settle myself wordlessly under the blankets just as silent tears start to escape my eyes and I bury my face into the pillow to hide them.

I hope Rowan will just leave me alone and go home but he doesn't. Instead, I feel the bed shift as he joins me under the blankets and lies facing me.

"Camellia," He whispers, voice shaking as he nudges hair away from my face, "What was it? What did I do?"

I shake my head in the pillow not wanting to have this conversation right now. Not wanting to have this conversation ever. This is too much to talk about. I've told Rowan the basics of what happened the night Milo threw me into the fire. I don't speak about my nights with patrons otherwise and certainly I would never go into so much detail as to explain why Rowan pinning my wrists to a bed would upset me so much; why it would remind me so specifically of that first night with Milo and every night after that I would spend with him.

"I'm sorry." He says so softly and laden with guilt it nearly breaks my heart. I've hurt him with my reaction, my revulsion towards him just a moment ago. I feel his lips brush lightly on the back of my head before he settles back in bed leaving me huddled alone on my side of the mattress.

His breathing evens out so I know he's fallen asleep when the quiet, pitiful sobs start. I'm disgusted with myself but I don't care enough to stop. This is what the Capitol has reduced me to, a sniveling young woman who doesn't know how to show affection without it leading to sex. A girl so confused she doesn't even know what her real emotions are. A girl so desperate to keep a comforting man close that she would give anything whether she really wanted to or not. And the part I hate about myself the most at this moment, is how much I want a vial of morphling. There's not a single thing I could name that I wouldn't give for a dose right now. This thought renews my sobs and I try to silence them with the pillow as I attempt to steady my body so I don't shake the bed.

I must wake Rowan up because I feel him slide closer to me and an arm curls gently around my waist. I tense at first, putting out a hand to push him away, as I try to steady my breathing to hide my crying. It doesn't work and I relax as he continues to pull me gently to his chest making soothing sounds. He doesn't say anything. There aren't any words left for tonight. All he can give me now is his kindness, his comfort.

His body is warm when I press my ear right over his heart listening to the firm, unfailing rhythm it beats. His hand moves gently and rhythmically through my hair, lulling me into relaxation and later sleep.

The sun isn't fully risen when I open my swollen eyes in the morning but Rowan is already gone and I lay alone curled up under the covers. As the memory of last night floods over me, I'm overcome with shame. What was I thinking? I knew I wasn't ready. How could I have let myself go that far? I'm thankful that Rowan isn't here this morning since it saves me from his questioning eyes because honestly, I can't answer any of my own questions about last night let alone his. My emotions are tangled like a bug caught in a spider's web and I don't think I'll be able to sort them out anytime soon.

**AN:** And there you have it! Hope you all have a lovely week and I hope to have the next part up in another week. Reviews are better than raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens!


	30. Chapter 30- Muddled Questions

**AN: **Hey everyone! Sorry I didn't get this posted last week. There was a lot of writing left to do on it that I didn't realize so it took me longer to get ready than expected. Add that to the busy summertime life and I ran late! I hope you all enjoy this chapter though and that it was worth the wait.

_Disclaimer: I am not Suzanne Collins and I don't own The Hunger Games._

**Part 30- Muddled Questions**

Several days later, I roll miserably out of bed and hobble over to the children's room to find Holly and Ash have already gone to school. I suppose Ash didn't wake me to prove that he can handle himself without me. It's been nearly a week and he's still hardly spoken to me. He's not as furious as he was when I first arrived home but he's still cool with me. He still doesn't want to rely on me at all.

I dress quickly and eat breakfast trying unsuccessfully to keep my mind quiet. I haven't talked to Rowan since _that_ night. I thought about going to his house the day after but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know what I would say. How do I tell him sorry that I'm so screwed up and led him on but then couldn't follow through? How do I explain my panic and the crying?

I fidget anxiously at the thought before I decide to leave the house. I don't know where I'm going as I pull on my shoes and grab a jacket but I know I can't stay here. I need to get out or else I'll sit around all day mulling over things I shouldn't. It's not until I reach the edge of our property that I decide to visit Laurel, walking the distance into town with my head ducked down to avoid the townspeople's gaze. I'm not sure I'm ready to see their reactions to my return yet. Some will surely pity me, the broken songbird back from the Capitol, but I know many others will look down upon me, the pathetic whore. The sun is high in the sky by the time I reach the old cabin that Cypress owns. I knock lightly and wait, listening to the rustling of feet as they move quickly to the door.

"Hello?" Laurel says absentmindedly looking at something behind her before glancing through the opening of the door.

When she finally does peer through the door, she stares at me a moment then jumps as if she's seen a ghost. "Camellia!" She squeals and throws her arms around my neck.

"Hey, Laurel." I whisper as I return her embrace just as forcefully.

She pulls back so she can look me in the eyes but doesn't take her arms from around me, "What are you doing here? I didn't know you were back! How long have you been here? I can't believe you're really here! Do the kids know you're back yet or did you just get off the train? How are you?" She inquires excitedly.

I give a half smile not knowing which question to answer first. She saves me the trouble however.

"Oh! You've got me so flustered I'm being rude." She chuckles lightly as she reaches to take one of my hands in her own, "Come in! You don't have to stand on the porch!"

The house looks just as I remember it. Laurel's equipment is out on the table and I can see she was in the middle of making paper before I knocked. I always figured she would make a living off of her art. The merchants in town love her work and have the money to spend on it.

"I have some tea steeping right now." She says hurrying to the pot on the stove and grabbing two old cups, "Sit down. I want to hear everything. When did you get back?"

I take a seat on the old sofa and she joins me shortly, handing me a cup of steaming mint tea. I take a swig and enjoy the sweet flavor before I take a breath to answer her.

"I got back a little while ago. I was pretty sick so I just moved back home a few days ago. Juni was taking care of me before that." I tell her. It's on the verge of being a lie but it's true that Juni was in charge of my care. I don't feel like divulging that I have been living with Rowan. That would lead to questions that would get tricky to answer and I don't want this reunion to be tricky.

"Sick," She says with furrowed brow, "Are you okay now?"

I nod, "Yeah. I just wasn't healthy enough to take care of the kids right when I got back." I take another sip of tea and I see the look of shock register on her face.

"Camellia, what happened to your arm?" She whispers.

I look down and remember the scar running along my forearm visible below the sleeve of my deep green shirt.

I sigh, "I fell into a fire and got some pretty bad burns. They're okay now though. They don't hurt or anything anymore."

"You fell?" She asks, raising an eyebrow. I'm not known for being altogether graceful but I've never been excessively clumsy either.

"Yeah." I affirm with a shaky voice, "I was alone in an apartment and it just happened." I look away from her stare as I say this. I hate lying to Laurel. We've never kept secrets from one another before this but I just can't go there right now.

"How are you?" I ask, trying to turn the conversation away from myself, "Holly told me something about a boy."

A bright smile spreads across her face as I say this and she chuckles.

"I've never been better, Camellia, especially now that you're back." She gushes happily, placing a hand lightly over mine and giving it a gentle squeeze, "And Holly is right. His name is Cedar. You know him. He's played the fiddle for years at the fall festival." She blushes, "He played me a song last fall and I went on a date with him. We've been together ever since."

I smile, "That's wonderful, Laurel. I'm so happy for you."

Her blush deepens, "He's asked me to marry him."

"Really?"

She nods, "He proposed a few weeks ago. I told him I wouldn't get engaged until I knew when you were coming home." She looks at me and adds, "I didn't want to get married without you here. You're my best friend."

I smile, a real genuine smile. I don't know the words to explain how happy I am for her so I set my tea aside and wrap my arms around her. She gives a light laugh.

"I've missed you so much, Laurel." I whisper, still holding her close.

"I missed you too." She replies and I can hear the tears in her voice, "It's been strange without you here. I haven't had anyone to talk to. Grandfather is- well, he's not a man of many words."

I laugh at this and pull away to look at her again, "No, he never has been has he?"

She smiles, shaking her head, "He'll be glad to see you back as well."

"I don't think Cypress has ever been glad to see me," I laugh, "He's always tolerated me but I'm almost certain it was just because he liked being around Holly."

"Of course he likes you!" She argues with a grin, "He always asks Rowan about you when he stops by."

I look up at her in surprise at the mention of Rowan's name. I don't know why. It makes sense that Laurel would know Rowan was spending time around her house. What did I think- he was sneaking around to meet up with Cypress? Actually I'm surprised that he's not here now that I think about it. He must be wherever Cypress is. But I still didn't expect her to say his name just now with such familiarity, like he's actually a friend.

"Rowan?" I repeat.

She nods, "He comes by most days to sit and carve with Grandfather. He's cleaned up a lot since you left, actually. He hardly ever drinks. Sometimes he even stays for dinner."

"Oh." I manage softly as I take a sip of tea.

"He spent a lot of time with Holly and Ash too. He took them to the Fall Festival this year." She gives a little smile.

"They mentioned it." I say with a nod, "It sounds like they had a good time."

"They really did." She agrees, "Ash did so well. No one came even close to beating him-"

Just as she's telling me this, the door opens and Cypress walks in with Rowan following him. They're in the middle of a conversation about carving knives when Cypress catches sight of me sitting next to Laurel on the couch. He gives me the closest thing to a smile I've ever seen from him.

"Rowan mentioned you were back. How are you doing kid?" He asks placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Pretty good." I say smiling back. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Rowan staring at me but I can't bring myself to look at him just yet. I haven't seen him since _that_ night and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look him in the eyes again, "How have you been, Cypress?"

"Better now that you're back. Now my granddaughter can get married to that boy who's been hanging around here nonstop." He replies gruffly. A blush creeps onto Laurel's cheeks and Rowan coughs to cover up his laugh.

"He hasn't been around that much." Laurel argues quietly, clearly embarrassed. "You have to meet him, Camellia. He'll be so happy you're back."

I give a half smile. I don't know if I'm quite ready to have a happy family dinner tonight and I definitely don't want to attend if Rowan is going to be there. I can still feel him staring at me, his eyes burning into my skin.

"I should probably be getting home actually. Ash and Holly will be getting out of school soon." I say, standing and taking a step toward the door, "But we'll all have dinner together soon."

"Of course." Laurel says, not quite managing to hide her disappointment as she wraps me in another warm hug. Cypress gives me a pat on the shoulder before I walk out the door into the late afternoon sun.

I've only gone about ten yards before I hear the door swing open and shut behind me followed by heavy steps.

"Hey." Rowan says in a low voice from beside me.

I don't look up, "Hi."

He's silent for a moment before he takes a step in front of me to stop me from walking forward.

"Are we going to talk about the other night or are you just never going to look at me again?"

I shrug, focusing my gaze on the light blue button of his shirt, "I haven't decided yet."

"Well, I would really like to talk about it." He says and takes a deep breath before he continues. There's a hint of something as he does- irritation I think. "I wish you would tell me what I did. If we were going too fast, if you wanted me to stop, if you didn't even want to kiss me, you should have just told me. I would have left you alone, Camellia." He hesitates before adding, "I don't want to hurt you."

"You didn't." I mumble still maintaining firm eye contact with the front of his shirt.

"Judging by your reaction, something wasn't right about that night." He argues, "If you want to be left alone-"

"I don't." I interrupt and my gaze snaps up to his in a moment of weakness as fear courses through my veins. "I don't." I repeat.

"What do you want?" He asks, clearly wanting to hear the words from my lips. "Camellia, tell me what you want."

"I don't know." I whisper with a sigh, "I don't know what I want, Rowan. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I'm just so confused. Everything reminds me of the Capitol- of the men there. I swore I would never do this again. Not after everything…" I trail off not wanting to continue on that train of thought. "I only know that I don't want you to leave me alone." I finish, watching his expression warily, waiting for him to decide it's not worth it; that I'm too fucked up. He surprises me though, when his lips twitch up slightly at the corners and he takes a step towards me.

"Okay then. We'll take it slow. One day at a time. You take your time figuring things out and you tell me when- or if- you're ready to take another step." He says softly, "How does that sound?"

I stare up at him and try to conceal the awe he's sparked in me. Why is he doing this? How could he be so patient? What have I done to deserve it? I push all these questions aside however and I nod in agreement. It sounds good whether I think he's crazy for doing it or not. I don't know where all this is going but I just don't want him to abandon me now. His lips break into a smile at my reaction.

"Can I walk you home?" He asks stepping out of my way.

I give him half a smile, "Of course you can, Rowan. You're still welcome at our house anytime."

"Just checking." He replies with a chuckle as we start the journey back through the woods.

We walk silently for a while before Rowan speaks up.

"So Laurel seemed happy to see you."

"Yeah." I say with a soft smile, "I didn't realize how much I missed her."

"She'll probably get married next week now that you're back. Cee has been begging her for weeks." He says with a light laugh.

…

"Rowan's here!" Holly shouts one afternoon from the front yard where she and Ash have been playing some game where they toss different objects as close as they can to a stick they've stuck into the dirt.

I look up from the counter and peer out the door to see Rowan smiling brightly, hair shining in the afternoon sun as he walks towards the house. Holly waves and he says something I can't hear to Ash who laughs. I can't stop the smile that creeps onto my face. Being home and seeing them like this makes everything seem perfect; like maybe I never even left. Ash is still avoiding me and this is the first time I've seen him so much as smile since I arrived back in seven but I'm trying to give him time and space to adjust.

"Hey there." Rowan says as he walks through the door, letting it swing shut behind him loudly. "Smells good."

"Rabbit." I reply, nodding toward the animal roasting in the fireplace. "Ash caught it in one of his snares."

"He's getting better." Rowan nods approvingly before looking back to me, "How are you doing?"

"Fine." I reply looking back down at the vegetables I was preparing before he arrived. I don't know why, but I still can't look him in the eye sometimes. Ever since that one night I don't know how to act. I feel so shy around him. It's ridiculous, I realize but that doesn't stop me from nearly blushing when I know he's staring at me. I don't think Rowan has noticed however- or at least he hasn't pointed it out.

"Just fine?" He coaxes as he sets down a small, loosely wrapped parcel I hadn't noticed he was carrying.

"Just fine." I repeat, but my lips quirk. Things aren't easy of course, but I'm still so glad to be back with the two people I love most in the world. I just wish Ash would come around.

"Well then, Just Fine." He says, humor lacing his voice, "I brought you this." He pushes the small parcel forward. I wipe my hands off on a towel before pulling it towards me and unfastening the wrappings.

"The old man in town was selling it. Made fresh this morning and I thought you might enjoy it." Rowan explains as I finish pulling the paper away. It's soft white cheese, goat's cheese I would guess, from the old goat man in town.

"Mmm." The sound escapes my throat as the pungent scent of the cheese reaches my nose. "Thanks. It'll taste good with the rabbit."

He smiles shyly, clearly pleased with himself, "You're welcome."

Rowan is silent for a minute, watching me as I continue preparing dinner. The house is quiet save for the soft sizzle of rabbit cooking and the dull chop of my knife on the counter. Outside Holly and Ash are still playing their game, a light clink signaling a hit every so often.

"You look tired." Rowan observes quietly. I look up, surprised that he thinks so. I thought I was hiding it fairly well except for the dark hue under my eyes that I can't do anything about.

"I'm okay." I answer easily, trying my best to brush off his comment as though it were nothing. But, truth be told I haven't been sleeping well since I moved back home. Several nights I haven't even been able to fall asleep so I've spent the dark hours pacing the house thinking about ghosts better left in the past.

"Have the nightmares been waking you again?" He murmurs, watching me closely for any indication that he's correct.

"No." I shake my head. It's not a complete lie. On the nights I don't sleep at all, the nightmares don't have a chance to wake me up. He doesn't need to know anyway. All he'll do is worry and we've decided to slow down. Asking him to come here and sleep with me at night will only complicate things. No, I need to figure out my emotions before I let him come to bed with me again and who knows how long that will take.

His eyes narrow a fraction and he continues to watch me for a few more moments until I look away from him and back to the work in front of me. My denial seems to convince him though, or at least he decides not to press the subject any further.

"What can I help with?" He asks, jumping down from his seat at the counter.

"You mean, what can't you screw up by helping?" I jest, earning a bright smile from him. He nods good-naturedly and I give him directions on helping me cook the vegetables. He manages well enough until the very end when I take over to calm down the billowing cloud of smoke rising from the pan.

"Go tell Ash and Holly dinner is ready." I say with a chuckle and he willingly relinquishes his post for something he knows he can do.

"Belly up to the table kids." He hollers out the door, much louder than is necessary seeing as they are standing in the front yard. I can clearly hear Holly's giggle as they make their way inside and Ash says something about how hungry he is.

"Why is it so smoky in here?" Holly asks once we've all settled down around the table.

"Rowan decided to help with the cooking." I explain, trying to conceal the edge of laughter in my voice, "I promise he didn't ruin or poison any of it."

Ash stares blankly at me and I can see something flash in his eyes. He wants to say something. Maybe he wants to join in the joke. But he doesn't open his mouth.

"What are you thinking, Ash?" I try, hoping he'll open up. Maybe he's finally coming around. He pauses for a moment as if deciding whether he should speak or not. We're all watching him and he lets out a heavy sigh as though he has no choice but to speak now.

"I was thinking that I'm not sure if I trust your judgment on safety and poison. We did well enough without you looking out for our food's safety for two years." He says softly, almost as though he wishes he weren't saying it. I look away from him down at my half empty plate at a loss for words. The table has fallen awkwardly silent and we're all waiting for me to rescue the atmosphere somehow but I can't think straight right now. He still hates me for leaving.

Rowan clears his throat and comes to the rescue, "Well it must be a relief that you don't have to worry about any of that now that your sister is looking out for you again." He offers up hopefully. I can't bear to look up at him, or at anyone sitting at the table for that matter.

"Sure." Ash murmurs sullenly before silverware begins to scrape across plates again. When I glance up, Rowan is watching me, concern bathing his entire being but I look back to my food and dig in again. Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow but it doesn't sooth the pain of his words today.

We finish dinner in silence and the kids return to their game outside even though the sun is beginning to set over the trees. I clean up the dishes and Rowan offers to dry them. I can feel him casting furtive glances at me occasionally, watching me to see if I'm upset after dinner. He must decide he's sick of searching for my reaction.

"He doesn't really mean what he says, Camellia." He offers softly, just audible over the sloshing water in the sink.

I shrug.

"He's confused about everything. Everyone gave him such a hard time while you were gone. He thinks he has to be mad at you for leaving even though he missed you." He explains, a touch of pain in his voice as he does.

"You seem to be on good terms. He's talked to you an awful lot." I remark, looking up briefly to meet his green eyes.

"He came to vent a lot while you were gone." He says, running a hand through his unruly hair. "I think that's why he's forgiven me so easily. I was there for him all the time when you couldn't be. He could overlook that I was taking care of you in secret."

I nod and turn back to the dish I'm washing. I hand it over to Rowan once it's clean but he doesn't take it from my hand. I shake it slightly- still no reaction. I look up quizzically and he's watching me.

"I'm sorry he's being like this. I've spoken with him about it. He's trying, I think." Rowan apologizes finally taking the dish from me.

I blink several times before my mind forms a response, "It's okay. I'm glad he has you to talk to." I say softly. Rowan doesn't look convinced. I give a small smile and place a hand on his upper arm with a gentle squeeze. "I mean it. He needs someone to talk to and if it can't be me then I'm glad it's you."

We finish cleaning up quickly and decide to enjoy the cool night. The crickets chirp slowly in the grass and somehow Holly and Ash are still playing their game even though it's too dark for me to make out the stick anymore. I take a seat on the steps of the porch but Rowan continues out into the yard.

"Are you leaving?" I question at his retreating form but I can just make out his face as he turns around and places his index finger to his lips. I smile; why does he want quiet?

I lean my head against the porch railing and close my eyes, taking deep breaths of the cool autumn air. The crunching of footsteps on leaves brings me back a few minutes later. Rowan is standing there, hands clasped in front of his chest. I frown but he holds out his clasped hands to me.

"Give me your hands." He orders and I lift mine up slowly, wary of what he's up to.

He opens them and releases a firefly into my hands. It flickers brightly as it climbs up my palm toward the tip of my fingers. I smile softly, watching the tiny, gentle creature as it walks slowly, not at all worried to be in such close contact with a giant.

"One of the last ones of the fall." Rowan states easily, taking a seat next to me.

"They're so beautiful." I muse, watching as the firefly takes flight gracefully from the tip of my middle finger and flickers off into the night once again.

"There's something to be said for anything that can make its own light in the darkness." Rowan states softly. I look at him and smile. He reaches slowly for my hand and I let our fingers twine around each other. I only hope he can't see the blush he's ignited in my cheeks. Why am I so shy with him now? "I think that's what you were like, a spark in the night and I was a moth. I had no hope of staying away from you after you first got my attention."

I chuckle for lack of any better response. My face must be bright red by now. Rowan hasn't said anything like this since we spoke at Laurel's last week and honestly the week hasn't done much to clarify my feelings. My heart thrums happily in my chest as butterflies flutter in my stomach.

I take a moment, staring at our fingers intertwined on his knee. This doesn't feel bad or scary. This is nice. I never held hands like this in the Capitol. The only time I can remember regularly holding hands was when Linden was still alive. Oh Linden. I still miss him so much. The butterfly wings turn sharp in my gut causing my breath to shudder.

I imagine a world where Linden is still alive and he and Rowan are friends. It's not hard to picture them together, joking and messing around like young men do. The thought brings a smile to my face. They're both so different but so gentle and kind. How could I be so lucky to have known two such wonderful men? Lucky? Is it really lucky what I've been through?

"What are you thinking about?" Rowan asks softly, bringing me out of my reverie.

"Linden." I answer easily. His hand tenses momentarily in mine.

"Really?" He asks, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles, "What about him?"

"How you two would have been good friends if the world were different." I explain, smile still playing at my lips.

"You think so?" Rowan muses, thinking about it for himself. Possibly thinking about his time mentoring as well. "He loved you. So much."

I look up, surprised. I hadn't expected the conversation to take this turn, "I know. I loved him too." I think about the engagement ring that I have safely tucked away upstairs in a tiny box. Life could have been so different without the reaping.

"He tried so hard. He was so focused- so determined to come back." Rowan says lowly and after a moment asks, "Do you wish he was still here?"

"Of course I do." I reply automatically without thinking. After a moment, I look over at the man sitting beside me and wonder if the answer is really that simple.

If Linden was still alive, would I have ever gotten to know Rowan? Probably not. I would have married Linden and never had any need to know Rowan. I wouldn't have gone to the Capitol and I wouldn't be the same person I am today. This train of thought leads to the next logical question. Would it be such a bad thing if I never knew Rowan? Would I regret it? The answer to that question scares me because if I answer it honestly I'm coming dangerously close to crossing the fine line of being grateful that Linden died.

"I wish I could know what's going on inside your mind." Rowan whispers, bringing my mind out of it's warring thoughts. I must have been making a strange face because he's watching me cautiously as though he's waiting for me to break down or something. Strangely enough I don't feel like crying. I'm confused and everything in my mind is muddled together but I'm not upset like that.

"I was thinking about how I'm happy that I got to meet you. If things had been different, I might not have ever gotten to know you." I explain with a frown as I realize just how confused I am about all of it.

"And was it worth it?" He asks, "Was it worth all the shit just so you could meet me?" He turns my hand over in his, brushing my knuckles lightly as he does.

I look up and hesitate before replying, "I'm not sure. There was some truly awful stuff."

"I know." He whispers before bringing my knuckles to brush against his lips. The butterflies start to flutter around slowly in my belly. "It's not easy to sort out is it? I have to ask myself the same questions. I had to fail- to let Linden die. I had to watch you suffer in the Capitol. Is it really worth it now? Was it worth all the suffering it caused to get here?"

"It doesn't seem like it's possible to find an answer." I say.

"At least not tonight." He jests with a smile that proves infectious. I chuckle as the smile crosses my face and we both stand.

"Time for bed you two." I call into the dark yard. A few moments later, Ash and Holly walk by us on their way up to bed.

"Goodnight, Camellia." Rowan says softly as he backs down the stairs slowly.

I want to ask him to stay; to tell him that I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep through the night again. But I know I can't ask that of him yet. I don't know how I really feel yet and I know he wouldn't hesitate to join me. It would just end up confusing us further.

"Goodnight, Rowan." I reply, watching his retreat until the dark, velvet night envelopes him.

…

"Finish what you've started, Camellia." A cruel, dark, familiar voice orders. Hands run up my stomach, chilling my blood. "You're family will pay for your transgressions." The voice threatens.

I sit up too quickly in bed and the room is spinning. I take fast, deep breaths. It was just a dream- a nightmare. I repeat the thought over and over, it's just a nightmare, but that doesn't warm the ice in my veins.

I slowly get out of bed and open the door to Holly and Ash's room. They're both there, bathed in moonlight and sleeping soundly. Safe. I close my eyes for a moment and take another deep breath, letting the panic ebb away slightly. No one has hurt them. No one is going to hurt them.

Except for the reaping- a tiny voice in the back of my head pipes up but I shake it away. I can't think about that right now. Not tonight. I'm still freezing so I go downstairs and make some tea for myself, deciding that sleep is probably out of the question for the rest of the night.

I settle down in front of the fireplace with my mug and watch the flames dance as they die down. That's the third time this week that I've had that same dream. Clearly my mind doesn't think my siblings are safe yet. And I hate to admit that it's right. There is still the reaping and there's nothing I can do to protect my siblings from it completely. Ash's name will be in the bowl once this year no matter what I do and that's one time too many for me to sleep well.

The moon has started to set when I hear mumbling from upstairs. I frown. Why would Ash and Holly be talking at this time of night? I put my mug away and head upstairs quietly to check on them. When I reach the top stair, Ash let's out a haunting cry that chills my blood all over again. I hurry to the door and throw it open to see Ash thrashing in the sheets, tangled around his legs. He's still yelling incoherently and Holly is stirring in her deep sleep.

"Ash." I whisper, gently shaking his shoulder. He doesn't wake right away so I shake harder. "Ash, wake up. It's just a nightmare." He jolts awake with a gasp and in the moonlight I can see his pupils dilate before focusing on me.

"You're here." He states breathlessly.

"Of course I am. Everything's fine, Ash." I reassure him, "It was just a nightmare." He shuts his eyes tightly and takes a trembling breath before opening them again and continuing to stare at me warily.

"What was it about?" I ask softly. Holly shifts in her sleep and mumbles something but falls back to sleep right away.

"You." Ash spits as though it's the worst thing he could have had a nightmare about. The last thing he wants is me to be in his sleep too.

"What about me?" I probe. I probably don't want to know his answer but Ash has always slept better after a nightmare if he talks to someone about it.

"You left us again." He states dully, giving me a look that tells me he's not sure how much to divulge.

"You can talk to me about it, Ash." I encourage, "You know you'll sleep better if you do. I promise I wont get mad."

"You don't have any right to be mad anymore." He retorts with a frown but seems to give in, "You left us again and laughed about it. You didn't care that you were leaving us here alone." His voice cracks and his breath comes in unsteady gasps, "You got so skinny- so skinny, like a skeleton." I feel him shudder on the bed. "Y-you just- faded- away. You died." He's crying now. I can't make out the tears in the dark of the room but he's choking back sobs.

"Oh, Ash." I whisper, tears prickling in my eyes. I reach an arm out around his shoulder and he collapses into my chest, as sobs wrack him. "I'm so sorry, Ash. I promise I'm not going anywhere anymore. I promise you that, Ash."

"Just don't leave me again, Camellia." He begs and for once he sounds like the twelve-year-old boy that he is, "Don't leave me. You and Holly are all I have left." His voice cracks again and I think my heart breaks with it.

"I wont. I wont leave you. I promise." I murmur, burying my face into his mop of brown curls, holding him close to me. I whisper these words over and over as he continues to cry. Eventually he seems to tire himself out and he looks up at me, still resting his head against my chest as he does.

"I was so worried you wouldn't come back." He admits, his eyes haunted, "You looked so sick. I thought you were going to die before you came back home."

"I know. I was really sick then." I confess, "But you and Holly were the reason I got better. You two were the reason I held on. I'm so much better now."

He reaches a hand up and it brushes along my cheek, gliding back over the scar on my jaw, "Better but not healed." He notes with wisdom beyond his years.

I nod because to deny it would be lying and he doesn't need that right now. This might be the breakthrough I've been waiting for. This is more than he's spoken to me since I've been back.

"I was just so mad." He whispers.

"I know, Ash. You have every right to be mad. But no matter how mad you are with me. I will always love you." I assure him and his face relaxes a bit as though he expected me to be angry at his declaration.

"You should try to get back to sleep." I suggest, giving his shoulder a last pat before he sits up straight.

"I don't want to. I don't want to dream again." He says hesitantly.

"I know but you've got school tomorrow. You need to get some rest." I murmur, moving to stand up.

"Don't go." He pleads, reaching for my arm and giving me a sheepish look, "Will you stay? Until I fall asleep?"

I let out a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding. I smile softly and nod, afraid that if I speak he might take it back or my words will be choked with tears. I watch relief flood his face as I settle back in bed next to him and cuddle close.

"Thank you, Camellia." He whispers tiredly.

"I love you, Ash." I reply, "I'll always be here if you need me. No matter what."

"Hmm." He breathes, already half asleep.

I smile and close my eyes. I have a feeling that maybe sleep isn't sworn off for the night after all.

I wake up the next morning with the sun, still curled up around Ash. I roll over and stretch, feeling truly rested for the first time since I moved back home. Ash groans from the movement, burying his face in his pillow in protest.

"Up Ash." I whisper, climbing out of bed myself, "You need to get ready for school."

"No." He moans pathetically into his pillow. I chuckle; some things never change.

"Yes. Get up. Now." I retort, ruffling his hair.

"Holly, wake up." I call and she immediately pops her blonde head up in bed.

I go to my room and change for the day before going downstairs to scramble some eggs for breakfast. I'm just finishing toasting some bread when Ash ambles downstairs.

"Morning." He mumbles, running a hand through his untamed curls as he takes a seat at the table, digging into his plate automatically.

"Good morning." I say, joining him with my own cup of pine needle tea. "How are you feeling?"

"Alright." He says through a mouthful of bread and egg. "A little tired."

I nod, digging into my plate as well.

"Oh eggs for breakfast!" Holly says excitedly from the stairs as she enters the room. "Yum."

I laugh as she scoops a heaping mouthful from her plate. We eat contentedly, for once at ease with all of us together. The meal is over quickly and Ash ushers Holly out the front door to head off to school. I hurry to finish the dishes before heading out of the house myself. I feel lighter today, happier, and I want to share it with someone. I figure, who better to tell than Rowan- the one who's been telling me to have patience all along?

It's a brisk morning and a frost still clings to the grass as I crunch through it on my way to town. I reach the edge of the village square and make for Cypress's house where I figure Rowan will be spending the day carving. I'm so caught up in the giddy, happy emotions that I don't notice the person directly in my path.

"Whoa." Rowan says, taking me by the shoulders and skirting around me to avoid running into me. "Where are you headed?" He asks, laughter clearly in his voice as he absentmindedly brushes a stray piece of hair back from my face.

My head snaps up and I blink several times before a smile spreads across my face. "To see you actually."

"Really?" His smile mirrors my own, "And what have I done to earn a visit from you?"

"Nothing." I retort, rolling my eyes, "I wanted to tell you about last night."

He raises an eyebrow at me, indicating that I should go on.

"Ash talked to me." I divulge.

His smile brightens, "That's great, Camellia. I told you he'd come around eventually."

"He did and you were right." I agree. "I thought I would let you know that you were right since it doesn't happen often."

He lets out a barking laugh, "I think I'm right more than you realize." He retorts.

"We'll just let you think that." I smirk. He chuckles again and I can't hold back my own laughter.

"Well I was just on the way over to your house to see if you wanted help fixing that porch roof. I noticed it was starting to sag yesterday." He says, eyes still crinkling at the edges as he contains laughter.

"You don't have to." I counter immediately, so used to turning away help with house repairs that it's become second nature. We could never afford them before.

"Yes, I know I don't _have_ to but I _want_ to." He grins, stepping closer to me and throwing an arm around my shoulders. "You can cook me dinner in exchange."

"I do that already. It's not a very fair exchange." I retort.

"It is for your cooking." He laughs and we start heading off back the way I just came. Today is one of the good days and it is blissful. I never want it to end.

**AN:** There you all have it! I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully I'll get the next chapter out relatively soon- probably next week. Feel free to let me know what you think; I'd love to hear from you!


	31. Chapter 31- Reason to Celebrate

**Part 31- Reason to Celebrate**

**AN: **Sorry that I've been so slow in updating lately guys! I have my boards coming up so I've been studying for that and procrastinating by enjoying all this wonderful summer weather. I promise I'm not going to leave you all hanging though- this story will continue to be updated! I don't plan on the story wrapping up anytime soon. There are still several plot lines I'm planning on delving into.

Rowan was nearly correct when he told me Laurel would probably be married within a week. Three weeks later on a very chilly November morning, I'm already up and at Cypress's house to help Laurel get ready for the wedding. Cypress has already left for Cedar's house along with Ash and Rowan. Holly is ecstatic, bounding around the house, singing schoolyard rhymes while Laurel flits about nervously fixing tea.

"You have to sit down if you want me to do your hair, Laurel." I remind her and she turns to look at me in surprise.

"Oh!" She says walking over to sit in the chair I'm standing behind, "Right. Sorry. I'm just so…"

"Nervous?" I finish for her with a smile.

She lets out a breathy laugh, "Yes. Excited too. I can't believe this is happening. It's all so quick."

I nod in understanding. There's never a huge amount of planning for weddings in seven but to pull everything together in less than a month is quick even by our standards.

"But you love him right?" I ask as I brush out her long, dark hair.

"I do." She says as she exhales slowly.

"Then it doesn't matter how long you wait. If it's right, it's always going to be right." I say twisting her hair back piece by piece and fixing it up with pins.

She's silent for a long moment before she reaches up to place a hand over mine, "Thank you, Camellia."

I give her hand a little squeeze before going back to work. It's not long before her hair is finished and she uses the back of a pan to look at her reflection.

"It's perfect!" She says, her eyes shining.

"You look beautiful, Laurel!" Holly chirps from her seat on the couch where she's fidgeting restlessly.

She smiles brightly, "Thank you!"

"Put your dress on!" Holly commands.

I look at the small clock over the fireplace and see it is getting late and we should start getting dressed.

"I'll help you into yours first." I say pushing her into her bedroom. The old white dress is already lying out on her bed. The edges are slightly yellowed from old age but it's still nearly perfect, clearly a dearly loved possession that has been well taken care of over the years. Cypress gave it to her last week. It was her mother's wedding dress and he had saved it all these years for her to wear. It was almost an hour before Laurel could stop crying long enough to thank him. I swear he had a tear in his eye when he hugged her, though I'm sure he will go to his grave denying it.

I do up the long row of buttons that run down the back of the dress, brushing out wrinkles in the fabric as I do. Once I've finished, I straighten up and can't stop from taking in a quick breath. She truly looks stunning. The Capitol women couldn't even come close to this kind of beauty. This is real. There's no makeup or surgery; this is just an innocent, blushing bride who can't wait to marry the love of her life. There's no way to synthetically manufacture and bottle this.

"Oh, Laurel, you look absolutely perfect." I whisper.

"I'm so glad you're here, Camellia," is her only reply as she turns and gives me a hug. "Now you two need to get dressed. We don't want to be late."

Holly squeals when I pull out a new ruffled pink dress that I bought her in town yesterday. She didn't have any that fit her properly so I'd bought her one when I had bought my own. Ash got a new suit as well, though he didn't receive it with nearly as much happiness being on the brink of his teen years and all.

"It's so pretty!" She says gleefully as she spins around the living room.

"Holly, be careful. I don't want you getting sick from all that twirling." I admonish weakly as I slip into my own dress.

"I won't, Camellia!" She replies happily with a giggle.

I shake my head as I run my hands over the fabric of my own dress to straighten it. It's a simple olive green dress that ends just above my knees and has tiny yellow flowers stitched on the fabric. It's nothing compared to what I wore in the Capitol. The fabric and cut of the dress are far too simple to be considered beautiful there. However, the modest simplicity of it is what I find so attractive.

"You look lovely." Laurel murmurs. I pull the light yellow shawl around my shoulders and fix it with a pin. I give her a half smile.

"We should get going if we aren't going to be late." I say and lead Holly out the door along with Laurel.

It's a short walk to the town square where we slip inside the Justice Building and it only takes a moment once we're inside for me to realize that not a single thing has changed about the place. The hallway looks exactly the same as it did a little over two years ago when I first entered it to say goodbye to Linden.

My breath starts coming short and too quickly as my muscles freeze. Holly and Laurel haven't noticed my absence yet as they continue walking down the hallway and I fall behind. I can only watch them walking slowly down the hallway to the room where she will sign marriage papers with Cedar. I couldn't move any further into the building even if I wanted to. My body seems to have shut down, save for the furious beating of my heart and my rapid breathing.

That entire day flashes back to me in an instant and it's like I'm there all over again, losing the one man I love more than anything. His face, terrified and desperate, flashes before my eyes. I want to reach out for him, to comfort him, but I know I can't. He's dead.

I have to leave. I'll explain to Laurel later that I couldn't be here. I couldn't be in this place that reeks of death and heartbreak. Linden's voice rings in my ears, telling me he loves me; he'll marry me; he won't leave me. I'm sure my heart is going to explode any second as it pounds away in my chest. Just as I turn to leave, I feel a hand on my arm. I jump and wrench my arm away from the grasp of the peacekeeper that's trying to pull me away from Linden again.

"Let go of me!" I shout before I turn to see Rowan standing there, looking concerned while Cypress, Cedar, and Ash stand behind him with looks of surprise.

"Why don't you guys go ahead? We'll be by in a minute." Rowan says, never breaking eye contact with me.

They do so without argument. They must be able to feel the chill in the atmosphere even though they don't know what's really going on. Rowan waits until they've entered the room down the hall before he speaks again.

"It's okay, Camellia." He murmurs, taking a step toward me and then one more when I don't back away. "I hate this place too."

I realize of all the people here today, he's one of the few that really does know what it feels like to be here. After all, it wasn't so many years ago that he was sitting on the other side of one of these doors saying goodbye to everyone he loved without any real hope of returning.

"Will it ever stop? The remembering?" I ask shakily as I let out a deep breath. I hope against all odds he'll tell me that it does; that one day I'll wake up and my mind will be clear of all these memories. Deep down I know that's impossible though- I can never forget what's been done to me. The human brain just won't work that way.

He gives a sad smile, "No. But it gets easier. You'll learn how to handle it."

"I can't stay here." I say as a shiver runs up my spine.

"No one is going to make you. But Laurel needs you today. She wants you to be a part of this." He shrugs and adds with a sigh, "The Capitol already took one person you love away from you. It will ruin every relationship in your life if you let it. Or you can face the fear and take back what's left of your life."

I blink a few times as I let this sink in. He's right, as much as I hate to admit it. I am afraid of this place- of what it means and what I lost here. But today isn't about losing someone. Today is happy. If I let the fear of my memories, of what the Capitol has done, keep me from this celebration; it could ruin what I have with Laurel. I won't let the Capitol take that away too.

"What do you think?" He asks holding a hand out to me.

I nod as I put my hand in his, taking a deep unsteady breath before speaking, "Okay. Let's do this."

He gives a warm smile, one that causes my heart to quicken in an entirely different way, and we walk the short distance down the hallway to the room where everyone is waiting. Laurel and Cedar are beaming brightly from the front of the room when we enter and the officiate nods and begins to speak when he sees us.

Rowan pulls me behind him to the two empty seats between Ash and Cypress. The official ceremony is short and to the point. They exchange promises to remain with one another until death, something not taken lightly by the government. They sign an official paper that will be filed away somewhere in this building and share a quick kiss.

Despite the lack of splendor, the pair are absolutely glowing when they step away from the officiate and back to us. Laurel looks like she's going to fly away as she throws her arms around me.

"Congratulations! I'm so happy for you, Laurel." I whisper as I return her hug. When she pulls away, Cedar is there shaking my hand in thanks. He really is a sweet man. He seems to have a natural intuition about how to approach people. He never tries to stand too close to me and he has an unthreatening air about him that I appreciate.

"Thanks for being here with us." He says softly with the most genuine smile I can imagine. I'm not sure he's capable of being anything other than genuine. "It means more to Laurel than you know."

"I'm glad I could be here." I smile back. And I really am glad because I've just taken a big step by doing so. It has forced me to make a decision not to let the Capitol control my life anymore, something I've wanted since I first stepped back into District 7.

We leave the Justice Building shortly after the ceremony ends and walk to Cedar's home where the reception is to take place. There are dozens of people waiting there that cheer when they see us coming. The music starts up and I see the other men that usually play at the festival, Cedar's band mates, are here.

A long table has been set up and it's covered with all kinds of food and in the center is a cake from the bakery decorated beautifully with laurel leaves and small branches of cedar surround the bottom.

Unlike the parties in the Capitol, there is no sit down dinner. Here we grab a bit of food and walk with it, or more preferably dance with it. Laurel and Cedar take to the dance area immediately and everyone crowds around to watch their first dance. It's a slow song, traditional to our district, that has intricate footwork that we learn from young children.

I smile as I watch them, lost in one another as they swirl around. I am so happy for them both but there's still that small nagging thought in the back of my head reminding me that this should have been me. I should have been the first to marry. I would have been the first to marry, if the Capitol hadn't interceded. Instead, my life now is so fare from that future I had once imagined that it seems like a complete impossibility that it ever had a chance at being real.

The song ends and people begin to join in the dancing. Rowan is beside me in an instant.

"Do you want to dance?" He asks, raising an eyebrow. Concern crosses his face once he takes a good look at me. It must be obvious where my thoughts are. "Are you okay?"

I give a half-hearted smile, "I will be."

He fixes me with a questioning gaze, waiting patiently for me to continue.

"This could have been mine." I explain, waving a hand in front of me. "It's just… strange. I'm happy for them. It just makes me think about how different things could have been."

He lets out a barking laugh that makes me jump in surprise. I look up at him and see that the laughter doesn't reach his eyes, "Yeah. Things would have been completely different if the Games didn't exist. I don't even know who I would have become if I hadn't been reaped. We can sit and wonder all day but it won't change anything. It'll only lead to bitterness. Dominick told me that a year or so after I won. He was right."

"That doesn't make it any easier." I retort.

"When has anything really been easy, Camellia?" He asks. I can hear the laughter in his voice as I look up at him and see the sparkle in his eyes.

I shake my head trying to keep the smile from creeping onto my face. It's absurd how he can change my mood so quickly, with just one sentence.

"I was always good at swimming. That was easy for me. My father said I was a natural swimmer."

"And did he tell you that you were a natural dancer too?" He asks in a pathetic attempt to subtly bring us back to the original topic of conversation.

I can't stop the laughter from bubbling up, "No. He said I was born with two left feet but he gave me a lot of practice."

"So have you improved or are you still hopeless?" He jokes.

I roll my eyes, "Fine. We can dance."

The smile on his face as we make our way between pairs of dancers looks like a child in a candy shop. When we finally find space to dance, he places a hand around my waist lightly and takes one of mine in his as I place the other on his shoulder.

This is one thing I missed so much during my time in the Capitol. This is real dancing, fast, flushed faces laughing as they circle each other. The song starts slowly but as it continues it builds up speed as the dancers twirl wildly between one another. By the end, Rowan and I are both red in the face and breathless as we laugh happily.

"Row!" Holly yells over the clapping as she runs up to us, "Will you dance with me?"

"Sure Holly, if Camellia doesn't mind." He says and Holly turns to me with a pleading grin. I nod my head and step away as she happily reaches her hands up to Rowan. He grins back at her as he twirls her around the area. It never ceases to amaze me how easily she can win over people's hearts.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Ash standing there toeing the dirt nervously, "I thought maybe we could dance. We always used to dance to this one."

This is the first time since I've been back that Ash has willingly approached me. I listen to the notes and realize this was always 'our' song. We would dance to it even as small children. I smile and hold out my hand.

"Of course, Ash."

He looks up and a slight smile plays on his lips as we hurry onto the dance floor and pick up the quick steps. It doesn't take long for a genuine smile to spread over Ash's face. As the song ends, he throws his arms around my neck.

"I missed you, Camellia." He says just loud enough to hear over the crowd.

"I missed you too, Ash. More than you will ever know." I reply as I take a deep breath willing myself to remain calm despite the fact that I want to jump for joy. I was so worried he would never trust me again but it seems that we've rounded some invisible corner.

"I love you, Camellia." He whispers.

I feel stupid when the tears start to flow down my cheeks and try to swipe them away quickly before anyone notices. How long had it been since I'd heard this from anyone? Not since my last day in District 7 before I left for the Capitol. I imagine the pieces of my heart melting back together to create something whole again. It might not be perfect but it's beautiful all the same.

I give a teary smile, "I love you too."

He pulls back and smiles happily at me. Either he doesn't notice my tears or he doesn't mention them. A girl with straight brown hair walks up and taps shyly on his shoulder.

"Hi, Ash. Do you want to dance?" She asks, blushing as she does.

He looks at me and I wave him off, "Sure, Dahlia."

She smiles prettily and they take off.

"Well, would you look at that?" Rowan says breathlessly as he walks up to me glancing over his shoulder at Ash.

I smile, "When did that happen?"

He shrugs, "He's mentioned her a few times. She seems like a sweet girl. Didn't realize it was so serious. They're cute though. I always knew Ash would be a heartbreaker."

"He's a good kid." I say, punching his arm playfully.

"Ouch," he whines rubbing his arm and nods, "But he's also good looking. Takes after his big sister."

I punch him again and roll my eyes.

"Ouch! That's not how you're supposed to take a compliment!" He says in mock offense.

"Oh really? And how am I supposed to take it?" I raise an eyebrow questioningly.

"You say, 'Thank you, Rowan. You are an amazing specimen of a man.' And maybe give me a little peck." He replies with a straight face.

I nod, "I'll keep that in mind for the future. But typically I make an effort not to lie unless I have to."

He places a hand to his chest, "Now that, Camellia Goldenlarch, is just mean."

I smile and try to push him away gently but he catches my hand with his and holds onto it. I tilt my head at him in question but he just tugs and pulls me closer so he can bend to whisper in my ear.

"You should really apologize."

"Sorry." I reply noncommittally.

"Maybe with a little more feeling so it actually sounds like you're serious." He retorts but I can hear the smile on his lips.

I pull away so I can look him in the eyes, "I'm sorry I hurt your ego."

This earns a grin that I can't help but return. We stand there staring at one another for several minutes before I realize how close we're standing and what it must look like to everyone else. I take a step back quickly but not before I catch Laurel staring at us from across the crowd. She makes eye contact with me for a short moment before she turns her attention back to Cedar.

A little girl seizes the moment and cuts between Rowan and I, asking if he would please dance with her. She's probably around Ash's age and I can see Rowan repress a cringe as he half-heartedly agrees. His eyes narrow when I wave and smile as he walks away

Well after the sun has sunk behind the mountains, the celebration begins to wind down. As is tradition in the district, each guest has brought their token leaf or flower to throw down in a path leading up to the newlywed's doorway. Cedar gather's Laurel into his arms and leads the way up to the threshold of a small cabin, which will now belong to them. Everyone cheers, each individual throwing flowers or leaves, creating a deep bed of green dotted with soft colorful blossoms. An old song, traditional to our district is sung as the new couple walks to their home. The melody is quick and boisterous, something that's still around from before the Dark Days. The evening finally ends with the last low notes of the song as Cedar carries Laurel over the threshold of their new home to the hoots and hollers of several men in attendance.

Holly and Rowan find me quickly as the crowd begins to break up but I don't spot Ash until I look over toward the pine trees in the yard. He is holding the little girl, Dahlia's, hand and plants a kiss on her cheek before they part ways and he heads toward us with a bright smile.

"I'm telling you, heartbreaker." Rowan mumbles into my ear from behind me. His breath is warm, tickling and breathtaking all at once. I shrug the feeling off, refocusing my thoughts as I do.

I shake my head and smile, "Let's just head home."

Holly is half asleep when we get back and walks quietly into the house and up to bed without another word. Ash follows, still grinning and walking on air.

I turn and Rowan is staring at me with a smile playing at his lips. We haven't been this alone since that night a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what to do or say so I let him speak first.

"Tonight was fun." He says softly.

"I bet. Especially when you got to dance with all your little admirers." I joke easily.

His eyes narrow again, "Not funny. You don't even understand."

I laugh at this, "No I guess I'm just not lucky enough to have prepubescent boys running after me."

He snorts at this, rolling his eyes in the process, "They're looking, Camellia. They're just too afraid to approach you. Girls, on the other hand, have no fear."

"Oh please." I argue.

"It's the truth." He retorts, "They're terrifying. They have no boundaries."

I laugh, "Do you want to come in for some tea before you go? I can't fall asleep after all that dancing without tea."

He nods and follows me inside as I set the water to boil. He takes a seat on the couch and I join him once the tea is ready, handing him a cup.

"So why is it that these little girls are so terrifying?" I ask, trying to keep the laughter out of my voice.

He shrugs, "They don't even know me. They think they do. They know what the Capitol feeds out. But they don't really know anything about who I am. I'm way too old for them. Not to mention way too messed up. But they just won't leave me alone. They think they're in love with me."

"Sounds like the women in the Capitol." I mumble, looking at my tea.

"In a way, they're a lot like them. Not as disgusting but they have a really shallow sense of love and commitment." He agrees.

He's silent for a moment, thinking about something before speaking up, "I just don't understand why they aren't afraid of me. I mean, they know what I am. They know I've killed kids-"

"Stop that." I cut him off. His eyes snap to meet mine, wide and confused. "Don't talk like that you're not a murderer."

He stares at me blankly, something dark in his gaze, "I am, Camellia. I was in an arena of 23 other kids and I'm the only one that came out."

"But you had to Rowan. It's not the same thing as murder. The Capitol forced you to do that. You wanted to live." I try to defend him. I'm not doing a great job though. I can't find the right words to explain what I know; that Rowan is not dangerous. He's not a murderer despite what the Capitol made him do. He was a scared little boy forced into a horrific situation who just wanted to get home to his family.

"I just don't know if that justifies it, Camellia. I don't know if it was worth all that death so I could live." He lets out a deep sigh before adding, "Sometimes I think that if I were braver I would have… I was a coward so I killed all those other children."

"No, Rowan…" I start softly but trail off, speechless. I'm not sure what to say to this. I vehemently disagree with his view of himself but I don't know how to argue with him. I place a hand over his, letting my fingers slide gently over his knuckles, hoping that this would show him I don't agree, that I don't see him as the monster he seems to think he is. Something shifts in his eyes and he gives a tight smile before turning his attention back to his neglected tea.

We sit in silence and finish our tea; each of us unsure of what is left to say but neither of us prepared to face the night alone. I don't want him to leave tonight but I don't want to ask him to sleep with me either. I miss his comfort when I wake up from the nightmares but I'm not sure how to ask him to stay without leading him to believe I want more because I can't deny that I'm nowhere close to ready for that. He must not want to leave either though because he doesn't make any move to get up.

Eventually we must both nod off because when I wake up again, the fire has gone cold and the moon shining through the window provides the only light in the room. Rowan is mumbling in his sleep and I shake his shoulder to wake him.

His head snaps up instantly and he turns to me. It's so dark I can barely make out the lines of his face and shadows cover his eyes. He reaches for my hand and wraps an arm around my waist.

"Do you realize how beautiful you are?" He murmurs softly.

I'm momentarily surprised but he seems to be half stuck in a dream world. I'm not even sure he knows he's speaking out loud.

"Rowan?" I mumble.

But he doesn't look up. When he speaks again his voice is shaky and timid, "I don't want you to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you. I wanted to protect you, to save him. I couldn't."

"Then you ran off to the Capitol and I knew I wouldn't be able to protect you there either. I tried to help when I could but he- he beat you. He almost killed you." He spits the words out. His hand is trembling on mine.

"Rowan." I whisper using my free hand to shake his shoulder. "You're dreaming, Rowan."

He takes a sharp breath in and he pulls his hand from around my waist quickly. He bends over and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs.

I pull one of his hands away from his face, "It's okay. You were still sleeping."

"I still shouldn't have said those things. That's not what you agreed to when you told me I could still spend time around you." He says looking up at me with such sadness it nearly breaks my heart.

"It's okay. Really." I reply softly before standing and taking hold of his hand. "Let's go to bed."

He shakes his head, "I should go."

"Please, Rowan." I whisper tugging gently at his hand, "I don't want to sleep alone tonight."

There it is; out in the air for the world to know. I am completely vulnerable admitting this to him. My heart has suspended beating and I hold my breath waiting for his reaction. I hate the idea of being so weak but there is no point in denying I can't even sleep well without him next to me. And I hate the idea of waking up to nightmares alone even more.

He looks up at me for a moment as though he's gauging if I'm really telling the truth or just saying it to make him feel better. He must decided that I'm being honest though or he notices I'm not breathing because he gets up from the couch without a word and allows me to guide him upstairs.

Silently, I slip under the blankets and he follows suit. I turn to face him as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me toward the warmth of his body. I don't object. In fact, I curl into him, enjoying the heat coming from him in the coolness of the night.

"Thank you, Camellia." He murmurs as we both drift of to sleep. I hum softly to let him know I heard him but I can't force myself to form any words. This seems to be enough though because soon his breathing deepens and I know he's gone to sleep again. I drift off listening to his breath and feeling the beating of his heart under my hand.

The nightmares don't find me tonight and they must not find him either because the next thing I know the morning light is filtering through the window. I bury my head against his chest to block out the light and as I do his arms tighten around my waist. I lift my head up to look at him and see he's smiling tiredly at me.

"Good morning." He says, his voice still heavy with sleep.

"Hmm." I answer and lower my head again.

"Ash and Holly already got up and left for the woods." He says softly.

"What?" I demand, my head snapping up. "Did they come in here? Did they see us?"

He laughs at my concern, his chest making me bounce slightly, "No. I heard them whispering as they got ready. They didn't want to wake you."

I let out a sigh of relief, "Good."

"Don't worry. I would have hid under the bed if I thought they were going to come in here." He jokes, giving a dopy grin.

"I didn't mean it like that. I just don't think it would do anyone any good if they saw us like this. Together. In bed. At least until we figure out what we're doing." I explain, relaxing again and resting my chin on his chest.

"I know. I get it, Camellia. They don't need that stress." He murmurs, brushing my back lightly with his fingers.

I shiver slightly at the contact but not in a bad way. It feels nice, sweet, in the warm morning light while we're still under the haze of a good night's sleep. I sigh and let my eyes close again.

I feel Rowan shift under me as he pulls an arm from around my waist and moves it to run through my hair.

"This is nice." I murmur absently, completely at ease.

"It is. I've missed it." He whispers softly, still brushing his hand through my messy hair.

"Me too." I sigh contentedly before I sit up. "We should get up though. You need to get home so you can at least change before Ash and Holly get back. They might not be naturally suspicious but I think they'll notice if you're still in your tux from last night when they walk through the door."

He grumbles a bit but sits up as well, knowing that I have a point.

"Will you come back for dinner tonight?" I inquire as we walk downstairs and onto the porch.

He chuckles, "Is that honestly a question?"

I give a half smile and raise and eyebrow.

"Yeah. I'll come by." He answers and gives my hand a squeeze before heading out to the path back into town.

**AN: **Well that's it for this time! Hopefully you enjoyed it and it was worth the wait. Reviews, of course, are always welcome! Hopefully the next chapter will be out soon and as always I'll be aiming for the next week. Also, if my story is ever taken down by fanfiction for whatever reason it may be, I will upload the entire thing to my tumblr (thegirlofdistric7) and continue to update it there. I know there has been a lot of purging going on for the site and I just wanted to set a plan in place. Better safe than sorry after all!


	32. Chapter 32- Bonding Times

**AN: **Here we are! Just wanted to thank you all for your reviews! I love hearing from you and it really does mean so much that you take the time to do it! Here's the third longest chapter yet. Hope you all enjoy it!

_Disclaimer: Still not Suzanne Collins, despite my attempts at transfiguring myself, therefore I still don't own The Hunger Games._

**Part 32- Bonding Times**

A few days after the wedding, the day dawns overcast and chilly, a cool breeze whisking through the trees sending dry leaves skittering across the ground. It's one of those days where the warm covers of bed beckon for you to stay there all day. I have running to do though so I grab a jacket as I pull on shoes and head out the door. Holly and Ash are both at school and today is Holly's birthday. I want to do the shopping so everything will be ready for her once she gets home. My lips curve into a tiny smile as I think about what Holly's reaction might be when she gets home and we have her birthday party. I want this to be the best one she's had, which shouldn't be hard since we actually have money now and we'll all be together again.

I'm so busy musing that I don't really notice I've reached the outskirts of town where the roads start to turn from dirt to roughly paved streets. In the town center the roads are kept much nicer than they are here where you have to watch for cracks that gather water, creating deep mud pits for you to step in. Some of the merchant children like to slum it in these back allies, even skipping school at times to spend the day harassing the elderly who call these streets home. The decrepit bodies of our wisest citizens look more skeleton than human these days. They've all ended up here because they've run out of money and no one can afford to support them. Somehow they manage to survive much longer than I would expect, but when the winter comes, they die in droves from the cold.

They're a rather shady place, these back allies. Not as dangerous as the lumberyards can be, but I usually walk with a quickened pace to get past the crumbling roads and into the town center faster. Today a chill runs down my spine, bringing me back from my thoughts to the dank alley. Something is off today. The alley is silent- empty. I glance nervously over my shoulder but keep walking, hurrying along now.

I don't make it another ten feet before several teenagers step out from behind the steps of a dilapidated building. I swerve to walk around them, glancing at them all as nonchalantly as possible but I'm not sure I succeed. Looking at them has really only made me more skittish. I'm not a tiny person by any means. Now that I've been back in seven for a while, I've regained a lot of the weight I lost while I was in the Capitol and on morphling. I have more muscle than a lot of girls my age do hidden under a soft layer of curves. But the group is made up of three boys and a girl, and two of the boys make me look like a dwarf. I flippantly wonder what they ate growing up to have gotten so huge already and they're probably still not done growing.

I continue walking at my pace however and I think I'm in the clear, having passed them several steps ago and none of them has said anything. I start to relax a bit and my pace settles into a more comfortable speed. Then a pair of hands tightens around my shoulders. A surprised yelp escapes me much to my dismay, betraying my fear that I've worked so hard to conceal.

"Camellia Goldenlarch." A disembodied voice says, they're all still standing behind me and the hands are preventing me from turning to face them. "About time you showed your face again."

I haven't spent much time walking through the town center since returning to seven. Rowan will often grab supplies that he knows I need. I've never asked him to do it but I think he knows I'm uncomfortable with the stares I get when I go into town. I prefer to be invisible and my past seems to have made that impossible.

The hands turn me so I can see everyone now as well as catch the sent of alcohol in the air. The one holding me is one of the giants, his eyes so dark under his unruly mop of hair I can't tell what color they are. It gives me a strange feeling in my gut, almost as though there's not a real person inside the body. The one who had been speaking is a few feet away with a sinister smile. He reminds me of a fox I once saw not so much because of his face, although his nose is abnormally pointy, but it's his narrow eyes that bear the resemblance. He's the smallest of the three but he must be the sharpest of the bunch since it seems like he's the one giving the orders. The third boy, the other giant, is standing back a ways with the girl whose face looks like she's just smelled something disgusting. It's easy to tell by their clothing that they're merchants' kids- no one else could afford freshly pleated pants.

"I didn't realize I was ever hiding." I respond, my voice sounding much more steady than I feel.

"I could understand why you might." The fox boy says with a sharp laugh, "With that scar you have there- I wouldn't want people to see me either. And you were so pretty."

The giant holding me laughs lowly, "More than pretty."

"Yeah," Fox boy agrees and seems to reassess his word choice, "You were so _desirable_ but I bet you don't get many takers to go to bed with you now."

He takes a step closer to me and I purse my lips. I don't try to run, my blood is too hot right now for that and there's no way I'd get out from under the giant's grip anyway. The other two group members have remained still and silent but they look uncomfortable when our eyes meet, like they aren't sure how to handle this situation.

"I'll bet you don't have much money left either." The fox boy hisses, his hot breath hitting my cheek, "I'll cut you a deal, Camellia." He whispers, his words slithering and slimy. I can't stop the chill that runs through my body and I'm certain the giant can feel it.

"And what's that?" I spit boldly. I know I shouldn't play along. I should tell him to fuck off but for some reason I don't.

"You come with me. There's an abandoned house not far from here." He says, nodding just over his shoulder, "You spend a few hours with me and I'll spread the word that you're just as good as everyone thought. You'll get your business started back up in no time."

The words cut straight through me, though I think I do a fair job at hiding it, concentrating on keeping my face neutral. I know I shouldn't be bothered by this boy's words. He's just an ignorant teenager with too many hormones coursing through his veins for there to be any sense in him. I'm not that girl. I'm not what they think. The ideas are probably something he heard at home rather than came up with himself but it's hard to ignore them. This is what I've become in people's minds. I might be back from the Capitol but I'm still a whore.

My father used to have a silly saying when I was very little, one that comes from before the Dark Days. I hardly remember it but it went something like words being unable to hurt like stones can. I'm not sure now how true that saying is. Perhaps the words don't leave any physical damage, but they do take the breath out of me, and they do a fantastic job of shaming me even though I know don't deserve this. I did what I had to in order to take care of my family. I took no pleasure in it. I shouldn't let this boy humiliate me.

"I don't think you'd need hours. Minutes maybe." I snap, brashly, the words popping out of my mouth without a second's thought. His face flushes with what could be anger, though I sense it is more embarrassment, but I don't care. I'm angry with this boy. He has no right to say these things.

The girl lets out a haughty laugh before catching herself and covering her mouth with her hand. The second giant steps in front of her to shield her from Fox boy's searing glare.

"You think that's funny?" He demands darkly, "You keep your girlfriend in line or I'll make sure she stays there." He threatens the giant.

"You do realize they're both bigger than you are." I taunt him.

His face reddens, "I'm trying to do you a favor, you bitch." His voice like gravel as he takes another step towards me. "The offer won't be around forever."

"Well, I'm not interested." I retort, yanking out from under the giant's grip, which releases almost instantly.

"Oh come on, Camellia. We all know what you are. We all know you enjoyed it." The boy sneers.

I don't know about that saying my dad had but this boy's words sure do feel like knives in my back as I walk away. I want to go back and slap the haughty look off his face. I want to shake him and put my hands around his throat to make him listen. I want to tell him about the horrific things that happened. But I don't. I know I'm outnumbered and the bigger boys are stronger than me. They might be able to say I'm a whore but I won't let them say I'm stupid too.

The walk to the bakery isn't far once I step out of the alley and I take deep breaths as I walk to try and steady my nerves once more. My body is hot, cheeks flushed in anger, and I don't want to look like a madwoman when I walk into the bakery. A few minutes later and I'm standing just outside the light blue building. I take one last deep breath but all that's left in me is frustration as I push the door open to the light tinkle of a bell.

"I'll be there in one minute!" The cheerful man shouts from the back where I can hear pans scraping against the ovens. I walk over to the counter and peer through the glass at a pretty pink cake with white flowers of frosting.

"How can I help you today?" He asks, brushing his hands off on the front of his apron, leaving behind fresh smears of white flour.

I give a smile, "I need a cake actually. For my little sister's birthday."

"A birthday now. How old is she?" He asks with a smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes.

"She'll be nine. I was thinking this one here if it's not already spoken for." I say pointing to the cake I'd been looking at earlier.

"It's all yours if you want it. It's vanilla cake, not chocolate but if you don't think she'll mind I can wrap it up."

"She doesn't know what a chocolate cake tastes like compared to vanilla." I murmur, half thinking to myself, but he hears and gives a sad little smile. "I'll take it."

He nods and starts shuffling about to box it up. Holly will be absolutely delighted when she gets home from school. Ash probably will be too, even though he'll try to hide it. At twelve years old, he's never tasted cake either.

I pay for the cake and walk out of the store, hurrying to finish the last of my errands before returning home. The walk back from town does nothing to erase my irritation and I take it out on the cabinetry as I start putting away my purchases, slamming doors as I do. I'm still putting away food when Rowan raps on the door and lets himself in.

"How did the shopping go?" He asks and I gesture wordlessly to the boxes sitting on the table. "Cake? You're really going all out."

I shrug, "I figure I already missed two birthdays. She deserves a big celebration this year."

"She's not holding that against you, Camellia." He says seriously, "You're the only one who seems to think there's a debt owed."

"I know that." I snap, "I just want this to be a happy day for her. She deserves it." I slam a cabinet shut with a bit more force than is necessary causing a resounding bang in the kitchen.

He nods warily, "Well I think you've managed to make it that."

I nod and continue putting away some of the other purchases I made.

"How have you been?" He asks cautiously, easily picking up on the tension still in the room.

"Okay." I reply without looking at him. This frustration is like ashes left behind by my fury from earlier in the day. I can't seem to shake it off even though Rowan has no idea what has happened.

He crosses the room and places his hands on my waist, bending so that his lips brush my ear, "Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to force it out of you?"

"Did I say anything was wrong?" I ask, turning to face him.

"No." He raises an eyebrow, "But it's pretty obvious that something is."

I sigh, "I just had a run in this afternoon with some stupid merchant kids and I got angry-"

"Run in." He interrupts, "What do you mean 'run in'?"

"It was no big deal. I handled it." I reply, turning to finish putting my purchases away.

Rowan places a hand on my elbow though and won't let me turn away from him. I look up and his green eyes flash with anger, something I don't think I've ever really seen before.

"What happened, Camellia?" He demands seriously. His tone makes me give in and I tell him everything. As I do I watch his eyes darken and his brow pinch with every sentence.

By the time I finish, his face is red and he's livid, his hand griping my elbow almost painfully. I place a hand over his and he loosens it immediately.

"Those bastards." He seethes. He paces across the room, throwing fist into the couch cushion as he goes.

"How could they say that to you?" He questions. I open my mouth to answer but he turns around, crossing the room to hold my face in his hands, "I'm going."

I frown, "Going where, Rowan?"

"I'm going to go find those boys and teach them about how any self-respecting man should talk to a woman!" He spits angrily, releasing me and heading for the door.

I take a few jogging steps to catch up with him, lacing my fingers with his.

"Don't." I order. He stops and looks at me, confused.

"They deserve it, Camellia. What kind of a person says shit like that?" He looks hurt, more so than I probably was by the words.

"A stupid one." I reply, a hint of a smile crossing my lips, "It's done though Rowan. They didn't hurt me and I already punished their leader enough."

"Punished?" He repeats, but some of the tension has left his body.

"Well I embarrassed him- made him blush and his friends laughed at him." I say breaking into a full smile now, "I think that's a pretty equal exchange considering he's a teenager."

I step towards him and wrap my arms loosely around his waist, "Don't go, okay? I don't want to ruin the party and I really am okay."

He relaxes further, allowing his hands to find my hips.

"Fine," He sighs, "but what did you say to embarrass him?"

"I told him he wouldn't need hours with me, only minutes." I murmur. His eyes darken for a brief second before he laughs, the movement shaking his entire body.

"That's my girl." He says proudly, reaching a hand up to run through my hair.

I grin and arch an eyebrow, "I wasn't aware I belonged to you, Rowan."

"Oh." He lets out a breath, "I didn't mean it like that. I meant- I just mean-"

I put a hand to his chest and laugh, "I know that, I'm just messing with you."

He smiles that sweet, shy smile, the one that makes my heart skitter around inside my chest and he lets out relieved breath.

"As long as I can call you my man, it's okay." I quip.

He laughs and shakes his head slowly, "Sometimes your too much. You know that, Camellia?"

"I'm too much? You're the one that was ready to race out the door to track down four merchants' kids to teach them a lesson a few minutes ago. All over some nasty words." I roll my eyes but inside I can't help but be pleased. It's nice to know he cares enough to behave like that; that he would defend me if the need ever arose.

"They would have deserved anything they got." He murmurs but he's serious now, "It was awful what they said."

"It doesn't matter anymore." I shrug, "No permanent damage was done."

He watches me skeptically and I squirm under his gaze because I don't want him to know how much the boy's words really hit me. I don't want him to see how upset I was that people see me that way now that I've returned.

I stand on my toes and brush my lips against his, hoping he might forget his suspicions. He responds eagerly, pulling me closer, his lips soft against my own. The kiss is short but it only takes a moment before a warm feeling starts up under my sternum, like when I drink tea that's a little too hot. My hands push lightly against him and he breaks away, fixing me with a deep look that reminds me vaguely of a smile though his lips don't move.

I step back and he reluctantly lets his hands fall to his sides but that warmth in my chest still pulses inside me. It's strange and I cross my arms tightly in an attempt to make it go away. It's the first time we've kissed since the night I moved back to this house and the guilt nibbles at the back of my mind because I know only did it to stop him from figuring out how I really felt.

I turn away so he doesn't notice my turmoil and I unpack the cake, setting it on the table, now the focal point of the kitchen. Rowan is quiet for a moment, watching me I'm certain, as I start pulling out food to prepare for dinner. Holly had asked for meat cubes and wild onions in gravy with bread. It's a simple meal that both she and Ash have acquired a taste for during my stay in the Capitol.

"What can I help with?" He asks quietly from beside me a moment later.

"Well, I would let you help me cook, but that didn't go so well last time." I joke, "So how about you chop these up for me?" I suggest handing him several onions.

"You still might be overestimating my abilities, but I'll give it my best." He agrees with a chuckle as he pulls them towards himself and begins diligently slicing.

Rowan continues to chop slowly away at the onions as I make quick work of the meat. When I finish my work, he still has half of his pile to do. He looks up when my side of the counter quiets down.

"You're done already?" He asks in surprise.

I smile, "Yeah. Don't worry. I've had more practice than you. I think you're showing promise in this area seeing as how you haven't chopped off any appendages yet. Give me some of yours."

"Maybe there's still hope for me yet. I'll be cooking for the mayor soon, I'm sure of it." He jokes. I shake my head and finish chopping the onions.

I am just putting the food into the pan on the oven when Ash and Holly burst through the door.

"Rowan!" Holly cheers when she sees him and she hurries over to give a hug, which he returns happily.

"Happy birthday, Holly." He says with a smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. "How old are you today anyway? Twenty three?"

"No!" She giggles delightedly, "I'm nine silly."

"Oh right, right." Rowan says with a laugh as he ruffles her hair, "I was only a few years off. You make me feel old, kid."

"Woah." Ash murmurs from the doorway and I turn to see what has caught his attention. He's staring at the cake in awe, "Is all that for us?"

I nod, "Yeah. I thought we could use a little cake to celebrate."

His eyes light up as he steps closer to look at it, "We've never had cake before."

"I know. I thought it might be a nice surprise for all of us." I say with a shrug. He throws me a smile before he heads upstairs to work on homework. I smile at the exchange. I don't know that I'll ever take it for granted when Ash smiles at me again.

Laurel arrives not much later with Cedar. They both smile brightly bidding hello to everyone in the room including Holly who is thrilled they're here.

"We came a bit early so I could help you with the cooking." Laurel explains as she joins me at the counter, shooing Rowan from his place where he was trying to knead bread unsuccessfully. "You boys go play outside, why don't you?" She suggests.

"Are you sure we can't help with anything?" Rowan asks, trying his best to sound disappointed that he was been removed from bread duty.

"I think you've helped enough. If we don't want the bread to be flat, I think it's best that I take it from here." Laurel says with a chuckle.

They both shrug and walk out onto the porch. The evening is chilly but they sit and talk about the lumber mill while Rowan works on his carving. Cedar started working there as soon as he turned eighteen just like most boys in District 7. Rowan has never stepped foot in the factory or up on the mountains but he always seems interested in how things are going there.

Laurel begins working silently beside me as I shuffle around the contents of the skillet. Holly is playing quietly next to the fireplace, wrapped up in some game with her wooden figures. It only takes a few minutes for Laurel to finish up with the bread and set it aside to rise for a bit before she turns to face me with a knowing smile.

"So how are you and Rowan doing?" She asks. I look up in surprise before turning back to the skillet. I know exactly where she's going with this. I've been waiting for her to ask since the night of her wedding when I caught her watching us together.

"I'm fine. Rowan's fine too." I mumble.

"I saw you both at the wedding, Camellia." She admits in a low voice so Holly doesn't overhear. "I haven't seen you look that happy since…"

She trails off, not wanting to say what comes next. But I can fill in the blanks myself. I haven't looked that happy since Linden died. She might be right. She probably is. I can't remember being this happy in years. Things are actually starting to feel right again.

I just shrug in reply.

"You can talk to me about it, you know. We're best friends." She whispers, placing a hand lightly at my elbow.

I turn my attention away from the skillet and look her in the eyes.

"I know. I just- there's not really much to tell. I don't know what's going on." I shrug again. "I am happy. I like being home and having the kids here. I like having Rowan around. But I don't know what it is. We're friends-"

Laurel rolls her eyes, "Friends. A guy who is your friend doesn't look at you like that."

Creases form between my eyebrows as I reply, "He doesn't look at me like anything."

"He lights up when he sees you; when he laughs with you." She says, "I've seen him walk back from your side of the woods a few times this week too."

"He comes to have dinner here sometimes. That's not strange for friends to do." I explain with a shrug.

"And he's here for dinner until the early morning?" She asks, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

I freeze for a moment but I know that there's no use in lying to Laurel. She is, after all, my best friend. She'll know in a heartbeat if I don't tell her the truth. I look down at my hands and start picking at my nails before I answer her.

"It helps to have him here at night sometimes." I whisper so quietly I'm not sure she can hear me over the food cooking, "I can't sleep through the night. He stays sometimes so that I don't have to be alone when nightmares wake me up."

She uses a hand to gently tilt my gaze to meet hers again. Concern is written all over her face.

"Nightmares about what, Camellia?" She asks softly. She knows that I've always been a terrible sleeper; that I often wake up from nightmares. But she also knows that I've always been able to handle them alone in the past. This need to have someone there for me when I wake up is something new entirely.

I shake my head, "Not right now, Laurel. I can't talk about this tonight."

She nods in understanding and I know she'll let the conversation go for now. But the concern doesn't leave her face as we finish cooking the meal.

"Just don't push him away, okay?" She tucks a bit of hair behind her ear, "He's so much better now that you're around. And, well, you deserve to be happy again, Camellia. It's been a long time since Linden died."

"Okay." I agree softly.

Cypress and Maggie arrive just as Laurel is pulling the bread from the oven.

"Hi Maggie!" Holly chirps, giving her a hug. "I've missed you."

Maggie gives her a warm smile in response.

"Hey birthday girl." Cypress says in his kindest tone.

A grin breaks across Holly's face as she coyly asks, "What did you make me this year, Cypress?"

"How do you know I made you anything?" He replies with a wink and she giggles.

"We'll figure that out after dinner you two." I call from the table as I put the skillet down, "Come sit down."

Ash calls Cedar and Rowan in from the porch and we all sit together, crowded, with elbows bumping into one another. Citizens of the Capitol would be horrified by this display but I haven't felt so safe, so loved, and so at peace in years. I can't contain the smile that reaches my lips and after a while it almost feels like the past two and a half years never happened. We're just a group of people who love each other, a family, celebrating a child's birthday. A simple thing to be sure but the normalcy of it is why I find it so precious.

Cedar makes a contented sound as he leans back in his chair, "Great job cooking ladies." He says with a smile and inclines his head to Laurel and me.

"It was really good." Ash agrees mopping up the last of the gravy with his bread.

"Is it time for presents now?" Holly asks excitedly.

I chuckle, "Yes. We can open presents now."

"Cypress first!" She calls out and gives him a knowing look as he reaches into the pocket of his shirt. He's been carving her a new figure every year since she was born. The figure he pulls out this year is about the size of Holly's hand and a bird of some sort with a long elegant neck.

"Is it a grousling?" She asks as she holds it up close to her face.

"It's a swan. They used to be all around but you don't see them much anymore. They like to swim around on lakes like ducks but they're much bigger." Cypress explains, "They travel in pairs and once they mate they stay together for life."

"But this one is all alone. Won't it get lonely?" Holly asks sadly, her imagination already running away with her.

"That's why I have this one here." Cypress says pulling out another similar figure from his pocket. Holly giggles delightedly which brings a rare smile to his face.

"They're very pretty."

Cypress nods, "They're one of the prettiest birds around."

"Us next." Ash orders from beside me as he runs from the room briefly to return with a brown package.

Holly is practically glowing as she unwraps the box. She lets out a soft 'oh' when she sees the light yellow dress precisely folded inside. Ash grins excitedly; we picked it out together in town a few days ago on a special trip.

"It's beautiful!" She cries as she runs her hands over the smooth fabric.

"We thought you could use a new yellow dress since you outgrew your favorite one." I say from my chair and she laughs.

"Thank you!"

"You're welcome, little sister." Ash replies happily.

"Cee and I got these for you Holly." Laurel says handing her a small sack, which she opens and giggles in delight.

"Hair ribbons!" She pulls one out and ties it around her head before thanking them both.

"And lastly," Rowan says pulling a tiny parcel from his pants pocket, "My present to you."

Holly takes it from him gently with a shy smile. Inside the paper is a small bracelet carved out of wood with the pattern of leaves around it.

"Wow." She whispers as she slips it over her hand.

"Do you know what leaves those are?" He asks and she looks up with a twinkle in her eye.

"Holly tree leaves." She replies confidently.

"That's right. They're beautiful just like you." He says with a smile and her face lights up. She lets out a happy giggle as she gathers up her other presents.

"Ready for some cake then?" I ask.

"Yes!" Ash calls out without a single moment's hesitation.

Everyone chuckles around the room and I cross over into the kitchen. Rowan stands and joins me to help.

"I think this birthday has been a success." He murmurs from over my shoulder.

I smile back at him before turning my attention back to the cake as I cut even slices.

"I think you're right. I haven't seen her this happy since before I left." I say softly as I place slices of cake onto plates.

"You've done a wonderful job, Camellia." He whispers before placing a kiss lightly on the back of my head as he reaches over me to grab several plates. "They couldn't ask for a better sister."

He crosses the room and hands the plates around as I follow with the rest. Ash devours his slice before leaning back against the floor looking entirely blissful. Holly eats hers more slowly but is positively glowing once she finishes. We sit in each other's company and chat for hours until the sun has already set and they decide to make their ways home. Rowan stays behind to help me finish cleaning up what little is left.

"Row will you tell us a story before bedtime?" Holly asks meekly from her seat on the couch. She's half asleep already and Ash doesn't look far behind.

"Sure. Why don't we head upstairs so that we can get comfortable?" He suggests and Holly reaches her arms out to him.

"Carry me." She orders tiredly.

He gives a little chuckle, "Okay, Sweetheart."

As Rowan gathers Holly into his arms, Ash stands and leads the way upstairs. I hear Rowan's murmurs from above and a soft giggle from Holly occasionally as I draw water in the sink and start scrubbing away at the dishes from this evening. Shortly after it quiets down upstairs, I hear Rowan's tread on the stairs.

"You should leave the rest of those for the morning." He murmurs, reaching around me and taking the dish from my hands, placing it gently back into the water.

"I'll just have to do them when I wake up." I argue but he's already taking hold of my hand and leading me away from the sink.

"It's been a long enough day." He says softly, tugging me gently toward him with a tired smile.

I don't put up much of a fight before following him upstairs to bed. He turns around while I change into pajamas and he pulls his shirt over his head before following me under the covers. I curl into him, something that has become far too natural for me, and his arms wrap around me to pull me closer.

"Camellia?" He whispers after a silent moment.

"Hmm?" I hum, already drifting off to sleep. He's right; it has been a long day.

"Are you happy?" He asks softly.

I open my eyes and look up at him. He looks timid, as he maintains eye contact with me. I think for a moment about today and the past few days. Sure there have been bad moments but they're far outweighed by the good. Holly and Ash are happy and safe. Rowan has been around more often lately. I feel safe for the first time in a very, very long time. All of these things lead me to one answer.

"Yes." I whisper back, "I think I am, Rowan. I am happy."

He smiles at me and lets out a slow breath, "Good. I am too."

I watch as he closes his eyes and something in my stomach turns about. My fingers twitch against Rowan's chest and I have a sudden desire to kiss him. It's such a strange thing because I haven't _wanted_ to kiss someone, really wanted to, in so long that it's disconcerting for a moment. This afternoon I hadn't _really_ wanted to kiss him. I had done that for a purpose but now there's nothing I'm trying to hide from by kissing him. As I look to his lips, I know I just want to feel their warmth and the warmth they somehow light in me. That feeling is something I can't make for myself but it makes me so happy, so content.

I stretch my body against Rowan's and let my lips brush his gently. His eyes flutter open to meet mine as I pull away from him ever so slightly.

A sweet, shy smile, his smile for me, crosses his lips, "What was that for?"

"I don't know." I shake my head slightly, "I just wanted to."

He reaches a hand up to brush my hair over my shoulder and continues to smile before moving towards me again, kissing me sweetly and I respond, letting my lips move lazily with his. My hands brush over his chest, taking in the ripples of his muscles until they loop over his shoulders and tangle into his auburn hair.

He lets out a deep sigh as he shifts over me, his chest pressed against mine. It feels good, so good. A slow heat builds inside of me, coursing out to my fingertips that feel electric as they comb through his hair and down his neck. He nips lightly at my bottom lip and I allow him what he's asking for. As he deepens the kiss, my mind notices how much better this feels with him than it ever did with the Capitol men. It's slower, warmer, softer. It's Rowan, completely Rowan.

He knows me and what I've done. He knows what my body looks like. He knows I'm not flawless but he still wants to kiss me. My heart races in my chest but it doesn't worry me this time. I'm not afraid of this. Not tonight. My stomach isn't flipping around anymore, but I'm not sure it's really still there. All I can feel is a burning in my abdomen that only seems to lessen as Rowan presses closer to me.

I sigh into the kiss and as I do Rowan pulls away, eyes heavy and dark, full of something I'm almost scared to name because I know I'm not ready for that yet. That look is enough to bring me back to my senses. This is as far as I'm ready to go tonight. And he must understand this because he gives one last sweet kiss before settling back onto the mattress, never breaking his our gaze.

"Rowan." I whisper, still slightly breathless. He nods, "Why me?"

His brow furrows, "What do you mean?"

"There must have been dozens of district girls that you crossed paths with in the Capitol. Why did you decide to help me?"

"I don't know." He says softly as he thinks about it himself, "You remember what I told you that night a few weeks ago, about you being the light and I was a moth. I wasn't kidding. You were so… alive. You broke through my haze, through the alcohol. After that, I needed to try to protect you because I needed you. You think I protected you first you but really you saved me before I could ever do that."

My heart jumps at his admission. How could that possibly be true? How could I have saved him without even knowing it? Those are questions too complicated for tonight though so instead I chuckle.

"And kissing me is protecting me?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you kissed me first this time." He points out with a half smile, "At first I just found you fascinating but I think somewhere along the way you wormed your way into my heart. I wasn't sure I even had one left but you managed to find it and then break into it."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude and break in." I say and I can feel a smile playing at my lips.

"I wouldn't have expected anything else from you." He answers with a deep laugh. "If you had any manners at all, you wouldn't have thrown me against a pole in the train station, or screamed at me to leave after I picked you up off the street."

I roll my eyes, "I wasn't in my right mind on either of those occasions."

"Right. But my point is, I wouldn't want you any other way than how you are. You're perfect, Camellia." He murmurs as he buries his face into my hair, nuzzling my neck, lips grazing the skin lightly. A contented sound finds it's way past my lips and I can feel Rowan smile against me.

"We should get to sleep." He whispers, lying back as he pulls me to his chest. I let my hand rest over the place where his heart beats strongest and draw tiny, swirling patterns there.

"Good night, Rowan." I hum, already drifting off to sleep.

"Good night, Camellia." He whispers and almost instantly his breathing evens out.

…

I step outside into the morning light and see Rowan standing at the edge of the yard talking to another man; one who seems familiar but I can't quite place. Something is wrong though. I can tell by the way Rowan is running his hands through his hair, making a mess of it, like he only does when he's worried or frustrated.

"Rowan?" I call and begin walking towards him.

"Camellia, go back inside." He orders never looking away from the man next to him. They're discussing, no, arguing about something.

"You then, in exchange?" The stranger asks, still ignoring my presence.

"Yes. Just leave them alone." Rowan says with a tremor in his voice.

"Rowan, who is this?" I whisper as I stop to stand next to his shoulder.

"Don't worry, my dear Camellia." The voice hisses, "We were just making a deal."

"A deal about what? Who are you?" I demand, addressing the stranger for myself.

He finally looks at me and I can see his face clearly. Puffy lips and sick grin; it's President Snow.

"A deal protecting you." He says licking his lips, leering at me. "I can't say the same for your boy here."

"What are you talking about?" I demand, fear building in me.

"You'll see soon enough." He replies as two peacekeepers grab Rowan by the arms and another takes me, pulling us away from one another. Snow is handed one of the peackeeper's guns and points it at Rowan. Before I can even ask what he's doing, he pulls the trigger and a loud bang is the only effect, at least until Rowan drops to the ground, dead.

I scream but the peacekeeper won't let me go. I pull and twist desperately trying to get to Rowan, or what was once Rowan. The peacekeepers start shaking my arms and I turn to look at them but now they're fading away even as I continue to scream.

"Camellia!" Rowan calls to me, holding my arms to my sides as I flail wildly. I choke on my breath and the raw feeling in my throat assures me that I was really screaming.

I look up and see the terror written on Rowan's face before I throw my arms around him and sobs wrack my body, as wave after wave of horror and relief crashes over me. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into his lap while he murmurs soothing sounds in my hair.

Eventually the sobs stop and I look up from where I had buried my head in Rowan's chest to see he's still looking at me with concern.

"Are you okay?" I ask, still unsure whether everything just happened in a dream. It had felt so real.

"Am I okay?" He repeats, letting out a shocked noise before nodding, "You were the one screaming, Camellia. I'm fine. What happened?"

"Snow was here, at the house." I whisper, my voice shaking, "He killed you and made me watch. He killed you because you wouldn't let him hurt me-" My voice cracks at the end and tears escape down my cheeks.

"Shh." He sooths wiping at the tears and cradling my face in his hands, "I'm okay. You're okay. Snow isn't here. It was just a nightmare, Camellia."

"Has he tried to use us against you, Rowan?" I ask, an edge of panic clear in my voice.

"No." He replies gently placing his forehead against my own. "No one has tried to threaten any of you."

"What if they do? What if they use us to get to you just like they did your sister?"

A dark look crosses his face for a moment, "They won't. I won't let them hurt you again, Camellia. I wont." He says fiercely. I want to believe him, truly I do. But I know if the Capitol wants to get to him, I would be a great weapon and the Capitol wouldn't hesitate to use it.

"Camellia?" I hear Ash whisper and the door opens before I have any time to react. Rowan drops his hands from my face and scoots away from me but we're still caught red handed.

Shock registers on Ash's face as he takes in Rowan sitting shirtless next to me, tears still hanging in my eyes. He stares for a moment and Rowan opens his mouth twice to speak but nothing comes out.

"Are you okay?" Ash asks, turning his sleepy gaze to focus on me. "You were screaming and crying."

I nod and somehow manage to find my voice, "Yeah. It was a nightmare. I'm okay now, Ash."

He nods slowly and turns around to head back to his room, "Good night then." He mumbles as he shuts the door behind him.

"Oops." Rowan mumbles as he turns to face me again. "So much for ducking under the bed."

The laughter bubbles up before I can even register what is happening. I can't stop once I start though. It's absolutely ludicrous with everything that's just happened. Maybe it's the adrenaline, maybe I'm just exhausted, but I suddenly find it hilarious that we would be found out in the middle of the night after I woke Ash up by screaming Rowan's name.

Rowan chuckles with me as we both lay down again and get comfortable. I manage to settle down after a few minutes of uncontrollable laughter and he brushes my hair back from my face to look at me.

"We really are okay, Camellia. All of us- you, Holly, Ash. No one is using you to threaten me." He assures me and kisses the top of my head.

"Okay." I murmur as I drift back towards sleep. He wraps his arms around my waist and no nightmares come for the rest of the night.

…

Ash and Holly make their way to school the next morning without waking Rowan or me. The sun is well above the horizon by the time I wake up and my stomach starts gurgling hungrily. I crawl over Rowan's still sleeping form, carefully untangling myself from his arms, and make my way downstairs after dressing.

I decided to cut up some apples and spread a few slices of bread with goat cheese from an old man in the village and by the time I walk back upstairs with two plates, I can hear Rowan shifting under the blankets, just waking up for the day.

He looks up at me with a sleepy smile when I walk through the door, "Morning." He greets as he pulls a hand through his auburn hair, only adding to its disheveled appearance.

"Good morning." I say sitting down next to him, "I brought breakfast."

"Mmm." He hums, taking a bite of bread, and fixing me with a giddy grin, "I get the special treatment this morning. I thought maybe I'd be kicked out before dawn after last night."

I roll my eyes, "I don't think there's much use in hiding you anymore."

"It might be better this way." He shrugs taking a bite of apple, crunching slowly as he watches me for a reaction.

I sigh and take my own bite of apple, "I guess. And there's no changing it anyway."

He nods and smiles, "Now, come here, it's freezing in here and the blankets aren't warm enough."

I appease him and slide closer so that I can lean back against his shoulder while we finish eating. We sit there for a while just enjoying the quiet, sunny morning until he shifts under me and stretches his arms.

He groans, "I should get going. I promised Cypress I would help him with some housework today. He has some leaks in the roof he wants to fix before the snow gets here."

"Well aren't you becoming a handy helper." I joke but I let him slide out from behind me so he can pull his shirt from last night back on.

"I have all kinds of talents you don't know about yet, Camellia." He replies, wiggling his eyebrows in mock seduction.

I laugh loudly at this and throw a pillow in his direction, "You're ridiculous."

He ducks it easily with a boyish laugh, "You enjoy it." He jests as we walk downstairs.

"I guess so. There must be some reason I keep letting you come around here." I throw back and a grin breaks across his face, lighting up his evergreen eyes with laughter.

"I'll see you soon." He says squeezing my hand gently. This is how it usually goes. He never says whether he'll be back tonight. I don't think either of us really decides until the moment he shows up on my doorstep, with an almost imperceptible air of fear of the forthcoming night. I nod and he's out the door, crossing the yard in a flash.

I spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up the house from the party last night. It's not much of a mess but I work slowly knowing that once I finish I'll have nothing else to keep me busy. It's the times when I don't have anything to do that I start to think about everything I shouldn't. I can't stop the memories from the Capitol from creeping slowly but insidiously into my mind.

By the time I've washed all the dishes and dusted the entire house, it's nearly time for school to dismiss. It's not long before Holly and Ash rush through the door. Holly hops her way upstairs to do schoolwork and Ash doesn't make eye contact as he crosses the room quickly.

"Ash?" I call out as he heads for the stairs immediately.

"Yeah?" He asks without turning around.

"Can we talk?" I ask and I can see him tense as he turns around slowly.

"What about?" The skeptical look on his face informs me that he already knows the answer without asking however.

"About last night." I say, taking a seat on the couch as I do. He follows a bit reluctantly but settles down next to me. "I want to answer any questions you have-"

"I don't have any. I don't want to know anything." He hurriedly cuts me off looking a bit panicked. "You can do whatever you want, Camellia. I don't need to hear details."

I chuckle at this, "We weren't doing anything, Ash."

"Ugh. I don't need to know this." He says looking away as a blush rushes to his cheeks.

"I really did just have a nightmare. It helps to have someone there to wake me up, to bring me back to reality." I explain patiently.

"That's fine." He replies with a cringe, "I really don't want to talk about this."

"Ash I don't want you to be uncomfortable. If you don't want Rowan here-"

"No." He stops me again, finally looking me in the eyes, "I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. If having Rowan- spend the night makes you- happy, then- it's okay. It's weird but it's okay." He explains, the blush renewing on his cheeks again.

I can't help but laugh at his innocence; it's been so long since I've seen someone blush at the mere thought of sex.

"When did you grow up so much?" I ask but immediately regret that I do.

Ash shrugs and looks away, "I guess while you were gone."

I sigh, "I'm glad I'm back now though, so I can be here for you and Holly. You can talk to me about anything. If you have questions-"

"And that's enough bonding time today!" He exclaims jumping up from the couch and hurrying out of the room before I can traumatize him further.

**AN: **There you have it folks! I don't know when the next part will be out. I'm hoping the middle of next week or so but I'm not certain at this point since I have boards this week. Let me know what you thought of this part! I'd truly appreciate your feedback. Also, if you haven't read it yet, I wrote a Peeta x Katniss oneshot and posted it here so you can check it out if you're interested.


	33. Chapter 33- Fire

**AN:** So I probably should have separated this one into two parts but I decided to just leave it together. Call it a special celebration treat after I've finished taking boards. It's super long but I hope it keeps you engaged and you enjoy!

P.S.: Didn't mean to give you a heart attack last chapter- or maybe I did. I'm only a little evil but I'm glad you all care about Rowan as much as I do!

_Disclaimer: I'm not Suzanne Collins. I don't own The Hunger Games._

Credit: For the song used in this chapter goes to The Wailin' Jennys. Their version of The Parting Glass is what I envisioned during this chapter.

**Part 33- Fire**

Several days later I decide to take a walk around the town square since I can sense a change in the weather coming, bringing with it the snow. It's late November now, late for snow to be arriving in District 7, so I take advantage of what might be one of the last days without the frozen white stuff on the ground. It's a cold day despite the lack of snow and the wind whips between the buildings pulling my hair in front of my face as I tug my coat closer. Initially I don't have any destination in mind, but as I near the town square I decide to visit Cypress's house where I know he and Rowan are doing some repairs. I figure I could make them lunch so they would actually have something hot to eat.

A loud rumble comes from somewhere off in the distance, which I don't pay much attention to until I feel the ground shake momentarily. At first, I look down at the ground in confusion. It's a strange sensation for the ground under you to move. After a confused moment, I snap my head around and see others around the square doing the same thing, all with similar looks of confusion.

It's not long before the sirens start to sound and I watch as fear flashes across the faces nearest to me. It's been years since I've heard the sirens wail and it still brings a chill to my spine. I walk quickly into a wide opening between buildings and see a tall pillar of smoke rising out of the woods in the general direction of the huge mill where they process wood from the lumberyard.

Shouts slowly start echoing across the square as people begin to recognize the situation at hand and men rush off in the direction of the smoke. Some of the women look petrified, frozen in place at the sight of smoke rising into the sky. Others shout or whisper in horror the names of loved ones who work in the mill.

In a split second, I decide to follow the men out to the mill. Thick, black smoke is billowing in the trees long before we ever reach its source. I pull my shirt up over my nose to try and filter the air, blinking my eyes rapidly to try and clear the tears that the acrid smoke has incited. As I get closer, I notice another smell, one that makes me gag, mixed in with the smoke and then I can hear the screams. The smoke is so thick that I nearly trip on a man before I see him lying there. Bile rises in my throat and I vomit before I can stop it. I take several deep breaths but the smoke burns my throat further as I try to bring my heaving stomach under control again.

"There are still men that need help in there!" A muscled man yells from up ahead. "Some are trapped in the building. We need to get a water line going from the brook up to the west side of the building. That's where we're most likely to break through the flames and get to the men buried inside."

Several dozen men step forward and start organizing to start a line from the burning mill to the small brook that runs nearby.

"We'll go in if you can get enough water to clear a path." A man, not much older than I, says from across the crowd. Other men seem to pull buckets out of thin air that they'll use to keep water flowing toward the building.

"There's a clearing a few yards to the east." I hear Juni call from over my right shoulder. "If we can get the injured there, I can start trying to treat them."

Another group steps forward to start gathering bodies; some in need of medical treatment and some who can only benefit from a kind touch as they take their last breath.

"Juni!" I call out, pushing my way through the crowd. "What can I do?"

"Come with me." She orders with an authoritative wave of her hand, "I don't want you going inside that building."

She hands me a large bucket, "Fill this up in the brook. Then when you get back start removing the clothing from the burns. If they have a lot of soot on them, rinse them otherwise wait for me to look at them. Just try to keep them as comfortable as possible."

I do as she says and hurry out to the brook to fill my bucket. When I return however, a wave of fear rushes over me. There are so many, dozens at least, all of them yelling, crying out in pain. How am I ever going to make them feel any better? It's daunting but I have to start somewhere.

I close my eyes and give myself to the count of five to get a hold of myself, taking deep breaths in and out. When I open my eyes, I walk over to the nearest man who looks like he's maybe two weeks past his eighteenth birthday. He's sobbing, asking what happened and where is father is.

I make soothing sounds and pull his shirt away to reveal a large burn across his chest. It's clean so I leave it as it is for now until Juni can take a look at it. I run a cloth over his forehead.

"There was an explosion of some sort." I explain, "You've been hurt but Juni is here. She's going to help you. You just need to stay as calm as possible."

"Where is my father?" He asks again and the terror in his eyes is almost enough to make me cry.

I give him the kindest smile I can manage, "I don't know right now. What's his name? If I find him, I'll let you know."

"Rodger. His name is Rodger Wright." He answers with a slight tremor in his voice.

I nod and assure him I will tell him when I find his father before I move onto the next man. It goes on like this for days or weeks, or maybe only minutes. Time doesn't really matter anymore.

The line of injured seems endless. But as I continue to work, the sick feeling in my stomach starts to dissipate. I find that the process becomes a pattern, almost soothing, the longer I continue. As I see face after face relax at my reassurance, I realize there's something to be said for easing people's pain, even when you can't fully heal them. I have nothing to offer besides weak promises to inform them if I find their loved ones but for now that is enough. It's a better pain killer than any morphling could be.

As the sun starts to set, the last of the fire is extinguished. By the time the sun drifts below the horizon, lights have been brought out so the search can continue through the night. The havoc has slowed however and, with each minute that passes, there is less hope that another live man will be recovered. Juni gives the orders for men to start moving the injured into houses. With the setting of the sun, cold, nearly winter air has descended upon us and it's vital to get these men to shelter before they become hypothermic. Some are returned to their own homes, if their injuries aren't as grievous. Those with the worst injuries or no one to claim them are moved to Juni's house and her neighbor opens up her rooms as well for the overflow.

"Camellia, you watch the men next door. If any seem to be getting worse, come and get me." I nod and walk into the small house whose floors are now covered in injured bodies. I move from person to person, providing what little comfort I can, holding a hand, wiping a brow, and whispering soft, kind words. Eventually, most of the men fall into some weak, fitful sort of sleep as I sit in a chair near the fireplace.

"Miss." A voice rasps from nearby. I spot a man with bright, evergreen eyes staring at me. "A drink please."

I grab a cup and fill it before silently settling next to him on the floor.

"Thank you." He whispers after he drinks his fill.

"You're welcome." I reply taking the cup from him but remaining still for a moment.

"You're Camellia." He says, watching my face. "Camellia Goldenlarch."

I'm stunned for a moment until I realize the majority of District 7 probably knows who I am. Between Linden and my stint in the Capitol, I'd be hard pressed to find someone who didn't know my name even if they couldn't match it with my face. I nod, "I am. Do I know you?"

He shakes his head, "No. Not really. You know my son, Rowan Carson."

My heart skips in surprise. I knew Rowan's father was still alive in seven but I never thought that I might actually meet him.

He continues when I don't respond right away, "I'm Alder Carson. Everyone calls me Al though." He says and winces as he raises a hand for me to shake.

I take it lightly and smile, "It's nice to meet you."

He gives a small laugh at this, "I wish it were under better circumstances."

"Better like this than never." I reply.

His face turns serious after a moment, "Will you tell him that I miss him? Tell him I'm sorry." His voice cracks as he says the last part.

I take his hand in both of mine again and give a sympathetic smile.

"I will." I say softly.

He nods his head as if this promise is enough. He's quiet for a long time and I start to think he might have fallen asleep when he opens those familiar eyes again.

"You're a good girl." He whispers, "You're taking care of him. I can tell he's cleaned up a lot the last year. You've made him a better man than I ever could."

I'm not sure what to say so I give his hand a gentle squeeze, "Thank you. You should try and get some rest now."

He nods and his breathing evens out shortly after he closes his eyes. I leave his side and return to my chair. A woman comes sometime in the night to relieve me so I can go home and get some rest.

When I finally make it home, the moon has already set but the fire is still bright in the living room. Rowan has dozed off on the couch and I shake him gently.

"Hey." He says groggily as he sits up, running a hand through his hair. "How are you? Juni got word to me that you were helping her. I told Ash and Holly where you were so they wouldn't worry and they asked me to stay until you got back."

I nod, "I'm okay, just tired. Let's go to bed."

We both make our way slowly upstairs and collapse into bed without another word. My dreams are hazy and restless but I don't wake from a nightmare tonight. By the time my eyes pry themselves open, the sun is up and Rowan is already out of bed.

I wash up and change into clean clothes before heading downstairs. Rowan, surprisingly is still here and he's made his best attempt at breakfast. The toast is burnt around the edges and the eggs a little rubbery but I'm starving and anything would taste delicious right about now.

"It's not as good as what you make but I thought you might like a break from cooking this morning." He mumbles through a mouthful of food.

"It's great. Thanks." I say with a smile, "Thanks for coming here and watching the kids too."

He shrugs, "I don't mind. When I heard you were helping, I figured this is where I'd be most useful."

"I'm going to go back soon." I say as I stab another forkful of egg.

"Again?" He asks, looking up in surprise, "Are you sure? By now I'm sure there are plenty of wives willing to help."

"There are. But Juni could still use the hands. There are so many…" I trail off.

He lets out a long breath, "The explosion was right in the center of the mill. The fire spread so fast. The men I talked to yesterday afternoon said there was no way to get out if you weren't on the outer parts of the building."

"I like helping." I say softly, struggling to find the words to explain, "It's- it's almost peaceful to help them."

"Then you should." He encourages with a small smile, "It's a good thing to do if you can bare it. Most people can't stand to be around that much suffering."

We eat in silence for a few minutes before I gather the courage to bring up the one topic I've wanted to talk about most.

"Rowan," I start and he looks up, "Yesterday, I was taking care of men in Juni's neighbor's house. There was one- he- well, Rowan, you're dad is there."

It's hard to place the emotions that flash over his face in just a moment. Anger, resentment, fear, love, remorse. He stares at me all the while, not saying a word. I reach for his hand but he pulls it away after a moment, standing and turning his back to me before freezing.

"Rowan-"

"What do you want me to say, Camellia?" He asks flatly. It's hard to miss the anger in his voice now. "Do you want me to hurry over there and make up with him? After all this time, after he's ignored me for years, you want me to just forget all of that and rush to his side?"

"Rowan." I whisper. I can see him trembling even from across the table. I walk over to face him and place my hands on his cheeks to force his gaze to meet mine. What I see there is enough to break my heart. He looks so much like a scared boy, still stuck at the age of sixteen, abandoned by his parents. "He asked about you. He asked me to tell you he's sorry; that he misses you."

"You don't understand." He says and his voice breaks, tears forming in his eyes. "They blamed me. He wouldn't let me explain. They abandoned me and I- I was just a kid, Camellia. I needed them." He's trying so hard to keep his emotions in check but the last sentence escapes as a sob and his trembling magnifies.

"Shh." I soothe, pressing myself closer to him and brushing a rogue tear from his cheek. "I know, Rowan. But he's scared and alone. That was a hard time for everyone. That was their way to mourn. It wasn't right but your father can't change it now."

He stares at me and he looks so broken that I would do anything to take this pain away from him. I know I can't though so I just hold him, let him know I'm there.

"I think he's proud of you, Rowan. He's been watching you. He knows you've cleaned up; that you're a better man now." I whisper and my words throw him over the edge. Slowly, he collapses to his knees, taking me with him. I pull him close, his head resting just under my chin as sobs wrack his body and he wraps his arms around my waist. I don't know how long he cries but when he finally manages to take a steady breath, he pulls away and looks at me.

"I don't know if I can talk to him." He whispers uncertainly, a child's fear trapped in a man's body.

"You should try though. He needs you now." I reply softly taking his hand in mine. "I'll be there with you."

He nods hesitantly, grasping my hand tightly in his. He places a gentle kiss to my palm, "Okay."

We make a quick stop by Maggie's on our way into town. I explain what's happening and she agrees more than happily to cook dinner for Holly and Ash. She pulls me in for a rib-crushing hug before we leave and I realize that my family never would have made it to this point if this woman hadn't been there for us. There's no way I can ever repay her for her kindness.

When we arrive at the house, the woman from last night is still there and looks relieved when she sees me cross through the door. She pulls me to the side to brief me on what's happened overnight.

"Juni said she'd be by this evening to check on everyone. The young man, back there by the window, second row from the right?" I look in the direction she indicated and see a head of bright red, curly hair. I nod and she gives a sad look before continuing, "He's not doing well. I didn't think he'd make it through the night. He's asleep right now but stay with him if you can when he wakes up. He's been disoriented but it seems to help him having someone around when he's awake."

"Alright." I say softly. She gives my shoulder a tired squeeze before leaving for her home and a warm bed.

I walk back to Rowan's side and he grabs my hand with his sweaty palm and trembling fingers.

"Where is he?" Rowan asks, looking petrified as his gaze drifts over all the injured bodies in the room.

"Back here." I say leading him down the narrow path to the far wall. When we reach him, Al's eyes are closed. I hear Rowan inhale sharply; I think he's afraid he might be dead.

I kneel down and shake his arm lightly, "Al?"

He opens his eyes slowly and a small smile plays on his face when he sees me, "You're back."

"I am." I say with a smile. "I've brought along someone I thought you might like to see as well."

I watch as confusion, then realization, then fear washes over his face. His gaze leaves mine and floats over my shoulder until it lands on Rowan. His jaw slackens slightly and tears immediately well up in his eyes.

Al takes in a shaky breath, "My son." He whispers reaching a hand out for Rowan.

"Hey dad." Rowan says, his voice high and shaky as he kneels next to me.

"You're here." Al adds in a squeaky voice.

"Camellia told me you were here. She told me I should come and see you." Rowan mumbles.

"She's a good girl." Al repeats.

Rowan gives the smallest of laughs at this, "Yeah, she is."

"How are you feeling?" Rowan asks, settling into a more comfortable position. I give his shoulder a squeeze before tending to a man a few people down who's calling for water. I can still hear their conversation even as I continue to work. The room is much quieter than yesterday since many of the men are moving in and out of sleep.

"Not as bad as some of the men." Al replies, "I've definitely felt better though."

Rowan nods, "Is there anything you need?"

The older man, with evergreen eyes so similar to his son shakes his head, "Thank you, son." Al says softly with a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. "You look good. Healthy."

"I stopped drinking a few months back." He replies with a short nod.

"Did she have anything to do with that?" Al asks softly.

There's a short pause before Rowan responds. He knows I can still hear everything he says. "She had everything to do with it."

Silence settles between the two men for a while until I hear Al's quiet, even voice speak up again.

"I'm sorry about everything Rowan. I'm sorry we couldn't see what was happening, that we wouldn't listen to you. I'm sorry we blamed you and left you alone. If I could take it back-" He breaks and I can hear his unsteady breath from where I am in the room. I can only guess that he must be crying.

"I screwed up too, Dad." Rowan responds, the tears easy to hear in his voice. "We can't change it now."

A man on the far side of the room calls out for water and I quickly make my way to him, finally out of earshot of Rowan and Alder's reunion. I continue to work through most of the day like this; tending to those who need water or a hand to hold until the pain subsides enough to fall asleep again.

It's late in the afternoon when the young man by the window groans, calling out for help. He has a shock of red curly hair, slightly matted by sweat and soot. His skin is pale through the layer of grey dust that clings to it, as though he hasn't any blood left in him. I settle down next to him quietly.

"Am I in the mill?" He asks, sweat beading on his skin.

"No." I say softly, "You're safe here. I'm Camellia. What's you're name?"

"Johnny." He says shakily, "What's happening to me?" I look down at him. Most of his body is covered in bandages and I have to assume that the burns underneath are severe. I reach for the cold, clammy hand closest to me.

"You were hurt when a machine in the mill exploded." I explain in the most soothing voice I can manage.

"I'm dying aren't I?" He questions, tremulously as he turns his glassy eyes to focus on me.

"I don't know." I whisper because I can't lie but I can't condemn him either. I can't know for sure if he'll live or not but it doesn't look good.

"Will you stay until the end? I think it will help to hold a pretty girl's hand." He tightens his fingers around mine.

"Of course." I assure him, brushing a curl away from his face, with a chuckle that I try to make light but it falls heavy.

"Maybe I'll get to see my family again." He says with a pained smile. "They died in the fever epidemic when I was a baby. It would be nice to see them again."

"Maybe you will, Johnny." I respond, giving his hand a little squeeze.

I can't say I haven't thought about what happens after death. I spent a long time after my parents died pondering it, but I can't say I've come up with any conclusions either. In this moment however, I hope for Johnny that there is something more; that perhaps his family will meet him again wherever that something more might take him.

His breath becomes more ragged and tears well up in his eyes, "I don't want to die. I'm not ready. I'm only eighteen."

"I know you're not, Johnny." I murmur, running a comforting hand through his dirty locks.

"You sing, don't you Camellia? You sang in the Capitol." He says weakly.

"Yes." I nod with a watery smile.

"Will you sing to me?" He questions, tears now flowing freely down his cheeks, making trails through all the ashes and soot, "I can't get the screaming from the mill out of my head. You have such a nice voice."

"I haven't sung anything in a long time." I say in a choked whisper, holding back tears with a strength I didn't know I had left in me.

"That's okay." He says tightening his hand on mine again. "Please."

I continue running my hand through his hair as I decide on a song. The one that comes to mind is one that my father always told me comes from a land far away from District 7 and a time long before the Dark Days. Some of the words are strange on my tongue but the melody is haunting and beautiful in a way that Capitol music could never be. Everyone in the district knows the words and men have been known to sing it drunkenly when walking home from the fall festival. It reminds me of home and happier times and I hope that Johnny will find that a small comfort today.

Oh all the money that e'er I spent  
I spent it in good company  
And all the harm that e'er I've done  
Alas, it was to none but me

And all I've done for want of wit  
To memory now I can't recall  
So fill to me the parting glass  
Good night and joy be with you all

Oh all the comrades that e'er I've had  
Are sorry for my going away  
And all the sweethearts that e'er I've had  
Would wish me one more day to stay  
But since it falls unto my lot  
That I should rise and you should not  
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call  
Good night and joy be with you all

Johnny is silent for a long while after I finish, his eyes closed and lips curved up ever so slightly. I only know he's still alive because of his ragged breathing and the shivers that have taken over his body.

When he finally opens his eyes, his entire body is trembling and his hand has a vice grip on my own, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Johnny." I whisper, "It's okay to let go. I'll be right here with you."

He nods and gives one last tired smile, "It was a beautiful last few minutes." He whispers before closing his eyes. It's only moments later when his heavy breathing stops and the room is silent. Not a soul speaks or cries out in pain. The room had stilled while I sang and now seems to be giving a moment of silence for the loss of such a young comrade.

Eighteen and dead from an accident in the lumber mill. It's not fair, not by a long shot. It makes me want to scream and rips my heart from my chest at the same time. My tears silently break free from my eyes and I don't bother wiping them away as I pull the blanket up over Johnny's head. A hand falls softly on my shoulder but I don't look up.

"I'll carry him out to where they're digging the graves." Rowan says softly.

I nod and Rowan stoops to lift the smaller boy when I have a thought. I place a hand on Rowan's arm and he freezes.

"Wait." I say, "I need paper or something to write on. His name was Johnny."

I stand shakily and find a pencil and paper in the kitchen. I tear a piece off and write the name as clearly as my trembling hand and teary eyes will allow. I know they're burying all the unidentifiable bodies in a mass grave at the edge of the graveyard. Any unnamed men will go there as well and although Johnny was alone in the world, I can't stand the thought of him going to rest in a mass grave when his name was known even if it was only for a few minutes by me.

I return and tie the paper with a bit of twine to his wrist.

"Okay." I nod to Rowan and he lifts the body with little effort and walks out into the cold, windy evening where tiny snowflakes are beginning to fall.

Juni stops by before Rowan returns and finds me passing water around, tears stains still fresh on my cheeks. I explain about Johnny and she shakes her head in sorrow.

"We might have been able to help him more if we had the Capitol technologies." She murmurs ruefully, "His body went into shock because he lost so much fluid through the burns. And he won't be the last to die because of it."

Her words burn inside my mind; another inequality that eats away inside of me. Why should the Capitolites, who have never worked or struggled a day in their lives, receive more advanced medical care than the people toiling away in the districts? The answer is easy- they shouldn't. But it doesn't change the fact that the Capitol controls us all. Today is not the first time in my life that I imagine burning the Capitol to the ground. It's an impossible thought but it soothes some of the fire in my veins. They deserve it for what they've done and what they've allowed to happen.

Juni returns to her house to care for the men there and I still have a few hours before another woman comes to relieve me for the night. When Rowan returns from delivering Johnny's body to the graveyard, he and his father talk for the rest of the night. When the time comes to leave, I wait at the door while Rowan says good-bye to his father. He has a peacefulness about him when he joins me and we start the long walk home.

As we walk outside, he reaches an arm around my waist and places a kiss on my temple.

"You're amazing. You know that right?" He murmurs, pulling me close to his side.

I shake my head before putting my arm around his waist too, wanting to be as close as possible. Today has left my emotions raw and his warmth makes me feel safe, like he'll protect me from splintering into a thousand pieces.

"You're the bravest person I know." He says, his fingers brushing over my hip. "You made him happy."

I don't have to ask who Rowan is talking about and that's good because the tears are threatening to spill over again and a lump has formed in my throat that I can't speak around.

We walk in silence the rest of the way home. There's nothing I can say right now and he seems lost in his own world anyway. When we arrive home, Ash and Holly are both getting ready for bed, having eaten the stew that Maggie cooked for them.

"Is everything okay?" Ash inquires as I turn out the light to their room once they're in bed.

"It will be. There are just a lot of sick people right now." I whisper, "Try not to worry too much, Ash." He nods and buries his face in his pillow as I close the door.

Rowan has already heated up what's left of the stew by the time I return downstairs and we eat quickly and silently. It doesn't seem like there's much to say after such a trying day. Words can't really do it justice.

We make our way upstairs and ready for bed before climbing under the covers, relishing the warmth on my body that seems to have frozen through the course of the day. Rowan settles down next to me and pulls me close to him, wordlessly burying his nose in the hair against my neck. His breath is hot and seems to melt some of the chill from my body.

"Thank you for convincing me to talk to my father." He whispers.

I don't say anything but snuggle in closer to his chest, listening to his heartbeat, steady and unfailing, like a balm for my ragged heart. I don't have any words left for the night and somehow, my mind is calm enough to drift off to a dreamless sleep. Maybe it's a gift from Johnny, wherever he might be now. A full night of peace in exchange for a few moments of kindness doesn't seem like an even exchange though.

The next day I wake, unsure about whether I can handle another day helping Juni with the injured workers. Something in me pulls me back to the house however and I quickly wash before heading out into the cold morning.

The work is somehow healing once I settle into a pattern again. Several men were lost in the night but those who are left still need my help even if it's just a small smile and a joke.

Rowan stops by again today to talk with his father. Al seems to light up when he sees the auburn hair so similar to his own walk through the door. Maybe they'll be able to reconcile after all. I hope for Rowan that they will. It would be good for him to have family around again.

Rowan walks home with me later that night and we eat another meal prepared by Maggie. I'm completely exhausted, my eyes drifting shut as we sit at the table. I must doze off because the next thing I know the table has been cleared and Rowan is standing behind me.

"Come on." He whispers, his lips brushing the shell of my ear. He rubs his hands up and down my arms to wake me up more and I stand sleepily.

"Sorry I fell asleep. I must be more tired than I thought." I apologize with a yawn.

"It's okay." He says, chuckling softly as he wraps an arm around my waist and leads me upstairs. "You've had a long week already."

I change into soft pajamas and return to the bedroom where Rowan has already gotten comfortable under the covers. He shoots me a soft smile and scoots over so I can slide in beside him. As I settle down, I recall my conversation with Juni this afternoon that I had forgotten to mention at dinner before I fell asleep.

"Juni said we should start trying to find placements for the men still in the houses." I tell him, resting my chin on his chest, "She's afraid, if we keep them all close together like they are, an infection will start spreading."

He nods silently, his evergreen eyes watching me carefully.

I continue, "Well, you have more room than you know what to do with at your house in the Victor's Village. I thought maybe you would take a few men in. I could help take care of them. And I thought maybe you could take your father in since he doesn't have anywhere else to go."

"Did you talk to Juni about it?" He asks and I look up to see his brow furrowed.

"I did. She thinks I can do it. She'll help with anything I need of course and she said she'll give me the most stable men to-"

"Okay." He says simply.

"Really?" I ask, surprised he was so easily convinced. I know that his reunion with his father went better than expected but I still didn't think he would accept the idea so readily.

He gives a little nod, "Okay, we can do that. If that's what you want, we'll open up my house and take some people in."

"Are you sure you're okay with it?" I ask, afraid this might be pushing him too far too fast with his dad. Their relationship is precarious right now. They still have so much to relearn about one another.

"Yeah. We can make it work. If it helps with everything going on, it will be worth it."

I smile and it is quickly reflected back at me, "Thank you, Rowan."

"I'm not the one doing all the work. I'm just opening my house. You should be the one getting the thanks here."

I shrug, "It feels good to be useful for once."

"You're always useful, Camellia, whether you realize it or not." He murmurs.

"Sure I am. Good night, Rowan." I say with a half smile.

"Night, Camellia." He says with a chuckle.

The next morning I hurry back to help Juni. Rowan stops by for a while in the afternoon to speak with his father again. I'm not close enough to hear what they talk about but he stays for an hour speaking softly with the older man. Juni stops by the house sometime late in the afternoon to look over everyone and tend to their wounds.

"I spoke with Rowan about opening his house up." I say as I help her dress a particularly awful burn on a man who's been unconscious since we brought him here. Somehow, despite all odds, he's still hanging on. She looks up expectantly so I continue, "He agreed to do it."

She gives a knowing smile, "I knew he would."

I frown, "How did you know? Why did you even have me ask him if you knew he would say yes?"

"That boy couldn't say no to you even if he wanted to." She says with a smug smile, "He loves you."

I look up in shock before the blush rushes to my cheeks and I have to duck my head in hopes of hiding it from her.

"We're friends, Juni." I whisper, focusing on covering the burnt skin in front of me. "We just understand each other."

"And that's why you've been sleeping together at night." She says, watching me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

I look up in exasperation, "Nothing is going on." I finish wrapping the wound quickly before asking, "Does everyone in the district know?"

She smirks, "No. I have good observation skills, child. That's why I make a good healer. And you're not particularly discreet about it."

I open my mouth to speak but no words come to mind.

"It's okay," she soothes, "There's no reason to be ashamed dear. You two deserve to be happy. No one is going to deny that."

I roll my eyes, "I can name at least a handful of people who would love to see me miserable."

"And none of them are here in District 7." She points out, raising an eyebrow, daring me to name someone. I can't of course, except for perhaps some of the prepubescent girls who are in love with Rowan. They would love to see my head on a platter, I'm sure. However, no one that I actually know in the district would wish me harm. She continues, seeing that I'm still at a loss for words, "When is he willing to open his doors?"

I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding, "Anytime you think they're ready. There are two extra bedrooms. I want his father to be moved there though. He said he would be okay with it."

She smirks again, "Of course he said it would be okay. I'm guessing you're the one who suggested it."

"Yes." I agree. She nods with a knowing smirk.

"We can move Alder and three of the most stable ones tonight." She states, "You'll be able to handle that many on your own. I can show you everything you'll need to know to take care of them."

I nod in agreement and she directs me to the first of the men that will be moving to Rowan's house. By the time I've helped Juni dress all the wounds she needs to for the day, Al has fallen asleep and Rowan quietly sits down in the chair next to me.

"Have you talked to Juni about moving some people into the house?" He asks quietly.

I nod, "She said we can take four tonight. Your father and three others."

"I can go help Ash and Holly pack up some stuff." He suggests, "That way they can be settled in by the time we move the others in."

"Okay." I whisper tiredly in agreement. "Thanks Rowan."

He gives an easy smile and presses a kiss on the top of my head before heading out of the house to go gather my siblings. Juni manages to find a few brawny men to carry the injured out to the Victor's Village. By the time all four men are settled into the spare rooms, it's late and I'm practically dead on my feet.

I find Rowan on the couch in the living room with Holly sleeping in his lap and Ash trying to hold his eyes open as he tells Rowan about his latest snare in the woods. Rowan looks up when he sees me coming down the stairs and smiles tiredly. Ash turns to look as well but turns away for some reason as he tries to hide his own smile.

"Everyone's settled." I state as I collapse onto an empty, overstuffed chair.

"Everything worked out well then?" Rowan asks.

"Yeah," I say with a nod before I let my head rest on the chair, "It wasn't comfortable for them all to be moved but they're doing better now that they've been still for a while." I look down at Holly who has completely passed out, then up to Ash who is nodding off in the chair.

"I think it's time everyone got to bed." I suggest.

Ash's head snaps up and he smiles sheepishly, "Okay. 'Night, Camellia." He says standing and climbing the stairs slowly. He pauses at the top and turns around with a hint of a smile, "'Night, Rowan."

"Good night, Ash." Rowan calls from his seat with a wave of his hand.

I sit silently, watching Rowan sitting comfortably with Holly's head in his lap. She mumbles something in her sleep and he brushes a hand over her corn silk hair softly, which quiets her almost instantly. He looks up after a while and sees me staring, "What?" He asks.

I shake my head, "Nothing."

"What?" He repeats, more demanding this time.

I purse my lips and shake my head again.

"Come on." He encourages with a smirk, "You can't stare like that and then not tell me what you were thinking."

"I can actually." I respond, picking at a piece of lint on my knee.

He doesn't say anything but he sits up straighter and gently shakes Holly's shoulder. She whimpers something and he whispers that she needs to go to bed. She sticks her arms up pathetically and I can't help but smile as he wraps them around his neck and scoops her up before carrying her upstairs to her bed.

I close my eyes and don't hear him return. Instead, I jump slightly as his hands find my shoulders and begin pressing tiny circles into the muscles there, "What were you thinking?" He murmurs, nose nudging the shell of my ear.

I shake my head slowly, "I'll never tell." One hand leaves my shoulder and brushes my hair away from my neck, which is quickly replaced by his lips on the soft, sensitive skin behind my ear.

"Please?" His voice vibrates against me and I sigh against my will. He hears it and his lips find that sensitive skin again, focusing their attack there. My body betrays me, my head turning away to give him more room to work with. It feels impossibly good, until that is, it stops.

"Hmm." I protest softly.

"Tell me." He orders, the smile easy to hear in his voice.

"I was thinking that you'd be a good father one day." The words tumble from my lips easily, as though he's enchanted them right out of my mind.

His hands freeze in their movements and he lets out a tiny, quick breath like I've just punched him in the gut.

"No. I don't think so." He murmurs. I crane my neck to look at him and see in his widened eyes that he's completely serious.

"Why not?" I ask with a frown.

"I don't think I could be a good dad." He states simply, a fact in his mind. "I don't want to abandon my kids when I get angry with them or when they disappoint me."

"What makes you think you will?" I question softly.

He says dryly, "It's in my blood."

I turn around to face him when I hear this, "Rowan."

He shrugs, "It's true."

"It is not." I argue, "You're not your father. And he's trying to make up for his past mistakes."

He runs a hand roughly through his hair, wringing out the ends as though he's trying to purge his thoughts, "I can't risk screwing up like my parents did. I won't do that to my kids."

I watch him for a moment, wondering how he can't see what I do. He's always been so wonderful with Holly and Ash. How is it possible for him to believe he'd abandon his own children? I don't understand it but I know that it's not an argument I'm going to win tonight.

I reach my hand up and run it through his hair to try and settle it back into a less ruffled appearance. His eyes flutter closed at my touch and I smile as a warmth grows in my chest.

"You've messed your hair up, Mr. Carson." I whisper, a smile tugs at his lips but his eyes remain closed.

"Do you think you can you make me presentable again, Miss Goldenlarch?" I chuckle at his use of my last name. He breaks into a full-blown smile as I move to kneel on the chair, facing him head-on how.

"Well it's quite a mess you've made but I'll try my best." I reply before leaning to kiss the small crinkles in the skin next to his eyes. His eyes open but my lips are already tracing their way across his cheekbone and the bridge of his nose before finally settling over his lips.

His arms wrap around my waist pulling me into the back of the chair. It's awkward and strange but that doesn't stop my breath from quickening and my heart from pounding as his lips move with mine. My fingers card through his hair, so soft for being so thick.

When I pull away to catch my breath, I laugh lightly. His hair is a disaster now, stubbornly sticking out every which way. He smiles, the crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes again.

"Is it a hopeless cause then?" He inquires, trying his best to look serious but failing miserably.

"I believe for now it is, Mr. Carson." I reply through my laughter, "We'll just have to try some other time."

He sobers up after a moment and his fingers slide into the hair behind my ears, thumbs brushing along my jaw. He watches me like this for a minute and looks like he's about to say something but changes his mind at the last minute.

"Good." He releases me and straightens up before offering a hand to help me out of the chair. I take it, standing to follow him upstairs. "I'd hate to think my hair would be this unruly forever."

He leads me upstairs to the room we'll be sharing. Now that all the other rooms are occupied we have no choice but to sleep next to one another. I can't say I mind it. There's something reassuring in the fact that neither of us has to ask the other about where we'll be sleeping for the night.

Once we're both changed and settled under the thick blankets, Rowan turns to me in the dim moonlight shining through the window. He doesn't say anything or make any movement, just stares.

"What?" I whisper softly not wanting to ruin the quiet of the night.

He shrugs slightly, "I just like to watch you."

"That's creepy." I state in a deadpan manner giving him a frown.

He gives a grumble from somewhere deep in his chest, "It's your fault. You turn me into a creep."

"How's that?" I ask with a laugh.

"You're too beautiful not to look at sometimes." He says softly.

I roll my eyes. I'm in a ratty old shirt and soft flannel pants. My hair is messy and will need to be washed in the morning. I'm nowhere near attractive at the moment, let alone beautiful. But Rowan doesn't give me the chance to argue before he leans over to place a kiss on my temple. Right in the same spot he kissed me that night in the Capitol. Or at least I think he kissed me- if it wasn't a dream or a hallucination from the drugs. Now that I think about it the memory is so hazy that it seems like the kiss couldn't possibly have been real.

I curl up next to him and he wordlessly wraps his arms around me. The warmth is glorious on a night like tonight, when the air in the house is chilly despite the windows being closed. I smile as I drift off to sleep thinking about how nice it will be to have another body helping to keep the bed warm during the snowstorms that are sure to come this winter.

…

I open my eyes to darkness. Squinting, I can barely make out that I'm in a small room as I stand. I stick my hands out in front of me, stepping forward slowly until I find a wall. My hands slide against the smooth surface and it only takes a moment before they find what they're searching for- a doorknob.

Just as I turn the handle I hear a whimper. It's quiet and weak but it's coming from somewhere inside the room. I turn around and see a figure sitting in the center of the room so I move to stand next to it. It lets out a sob and I place my hand gently on its shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I ask, though I don't know who this person is.

"Are you?" The voice, a boy's, counters. It's familiar, the voice, and the name of its owner is just on the tip of my tongue.

"I am." I reply, "Are you hurt?"

"You left." The boy wails, reaching out suddenly to grasp my arms tightly. I catch a glimpse of his face as a light lands over half of it. It's Vance, my backup dancer from the Capitol, but he doesn't look like the young boy I remember. His face is gaunt and the skin sallow even in the dim light. His eyes are hollow and haunted. He reminds me of a skeleton as I try to yank my arms from his grip. He's still strong though despite his sickly appearance. He lets out another pained howl.

"Vance, what are you doing?" I demand, my voice trembling as I try again to release myself from his grip.

"You left. You never warned me." He laments, turning his face away from me and tightening his grip on my arms.

"Warned you about what?" I demand, "Vance, what are you talking about? What happened?"

"You knew they would do this to me." He states lifelessly.

He lifts his face to me again, revealing burns that go all the way to the bones of his skull. My stomach heaves and but screams come out instead of vomit. I try to rip myself from his grip but I can't. He's holding on too tightly and now he's moaning in pain, calling my name.

I gasp as my eyes open to Rowan's concerned green ones. I'm shaking but my throat doesn't burn like I was screaming out loud, that must have all been in my mind.

"Are you okay?" Rowan asks.

I take a shaky breath and nod, "Yeah. Just a nightmare."

I hear a moan from down the hallway. That must have been what triggered the dream. One of the men must have woken up; Max would be my guess.

"You were tossing around." Rowan says softly, worry lacing his words.

"I'm okay." I assure him as I slide out from under the covers. I nod toward the doorway, "I need to go see what's going on."

"Do you want me to help?" He offers, sitting up in bed.

I shake my head and hurry down the hall before he can notice my trembling. I haven't had such a vivid nightmare in weeks, not since we first moved the burned men into the house, and I was starting to think I was getting better. Maybe it was just because I was so exhausted from taking care of them all.

"Max?" I whisper once I'm beside the burly thirty-something-year-old man. "Are you hurting again?"

He turns to look at me, eyes wide like he's surprised I'm standing there.

"Not all that much." He replies, voice gravelly.

"You were crying out a little while ago." I explain, looking him over quickly to see if there are any obvious changes in his state. Besides the bandages covering the burns on his torso, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, looking embarrassed, and "It must have been the nightmare, I didn't mean to worry you."

"I'll get you some water and be right back." I say, giving his hand a reassuring pat before walking out.

When I return with a cool glass of water, he's staring blankly up at the ceiling. He looks to me when the floor creeks under my step and gives a half smile.

"Thank you dear." He says after I help him sit up and he takes the glass from me.

"Tell me about your nightmare." I say, taking a seat on the bed next to him.

We must look a sight. He's a huge man with thick dark hair cut short because it's so unmanageable. His skin is the same color as the coffee mixed with cream that my mother used to drink once a year on her birthday. He could easily snap my arm with his bear hands if he wanted to but I know he never would. He's a giant with a gentle heart. His wife died in childbirth a few years back taking their baby with her, which is why he has no one to take care of him now. He'll be ready to leave any day according to Juni. The burns are looking better than ever, new, fragile skin covering all the damaged areas.

He hesitates for a moment before relenting, knowing I won't leave him until he talks. He's the only one out of the four men we took in who suffers from these nightmares but I suspect he saw the worst of what happened. He was in the center of the mill right near the explosion. He hasn't been able to remember everything that happened yet but each nightmare provides him with more of the memory.

"I was back in the mill." Max starts with a deep breath, "I was just doing my job like any normal day. It felt so real. I could even smell the pine. Rudy was there."

He stops as though caught up in a memory. Rudy was one of his good friends. They had worked next to each other in the mill since they both turned eighteen, fifteen years ago. Rudy was killed in the fire. Max told me this already.

"Rudy made some joke. I can't really remember it now but it would have been crass knowing him. He was always making dirty jokes." Max smiles ruefully at the memory. "Then out of nowhere a machine down the row blew up. Rudy didn't turn around though like you think he would, you know, to look at what was happening. He just stared at me, blank-like. I put my hand on his shoulder and told him to turn around but he fell down and there was a spike- a spike of wood straight through the back of- the back of his skull.

"I started running but the whole place was on fire. Beams were falling everywhere. I was trapped and it was hot. I woke up when the beam fell on me again."

I sit in silence for a while to process this dream. Max has had several since he first arrived here but this is by far the longest and most detailed one he's told me. I have my suspicions as to why this one had so much more depth to it. Max was pulled out from the rubble of the mill once part of the fire had been put out. Somehow he'd hardly sustained any burns at all and he's one of the few who survived the fire even though he was so deep inside the mill at the time it started.

"Was that how it happened?" I ask softly.

Max runs a heavy hand over his face, "I think so. It's hard to remember. It all happened in a flash. I hardly had any time to react before the building started crumbling."

He takes a few shaky breaths.

"That's how Rudy died though. I remember that part now. That was real." He hiccups softly and bats at his cheek, "How am I going to tell his wife that? How do I explain it to her that he died like that and left her with three kids to raise?"

My blood boils at his questions. It isn't right. It's not right that there were no safety measures in the mill to help stop the fire. It isn't right that Max has been so badly burnt he couldn't work for the past month. And it most certainly isn't right that Rudy's wife has to raise three kids on her own now because her husband was killed. The government only gives her a miniscule stipend that wouldn't even feed one of the children. So she's on her own to provide financially for four hungry mouths. I take a deep breath and let the heat from my blood out. It's not going to help Max now if I start ranting about the Capitol.

"You'll just have to tell her, Max." I explain softly, "No matter how you do it, it won't be easy. You just need to be there for her. She'll appreciate that. She knows you loved Rudy too."

It's the truth. She's been here several times to visit Max and they've become a source of solace for one another. She's asked him every time about how Rudy died though. Clearly it's eating her up inside not knowing. Now he'll finally be able to answer her.

"I think knowing will help her heal." I whisper, "At least he died quickly, painlessly."

"It's not right." He says bitterly, echoing my own thoughts as he swipes at his cheek again.

I place a hand gently on his arm, "No, it's not. I'm so sorry that this happened, Max."

He looks up and gives me a watery smile, "You're not the one who should be sorry."

I nod, "Probably not, but I am."

He places his hand over mind and we sit in silence for a moment while he regains his composure. It only takes a few minutes before he pats my hand gently. I look up and he's watching me with apologetic eyes.

"They say such horrible things about you in town but they're wrong." He shakes his head slowly, "You're not what they think you are. You are a hero, Camellia Goldenlarch."

"I'm not a hero." I argue, "I just wanted to help. Anyone would have."

"That's not true. Plenty of people could help but haven't. You are a hero and you're braver than any person should need to be. I'm going to make sure everyone in this district knows it too." Max states firmly.

"It doesn't matter what they say, Max. I just want you to heal up." I say standing slowly. "Are you sure you're not in any pain? I can make some willow bark tea if you'd like."

"No." He shakes his head, "I'm feeling better now. Thank you for sitting with me."

I give a tiny smile, "I always find it helps me sleep better if I talk about the nightmares after I have them."

I help him lay back down and pull the covers up for him before closing the bedroom door behind me. I let out a heavy breath and lean against the wall in the hallway for a moment.

Sometimes I almost feel like a fraud taking care of these men when I'm barely put back together myself. But there's something calming in it as well. I'm busy, my hands are occupied and I'm using my mind for something other than thinking about the past. And on nights like tonight, when a grown man is terrified to face the night alone and I can help even the tiniest bit, the exhaustion is worth it- healing even.

"Hey." Rowan whispers from the doorway of his room. I jump, surprised that I didn't notice him standing there and wondering how long he's been watching me. "Are you coming back to bed?"

I look out the window to see the sky lightening with predawn grey. I'm not sure if it's even worth me going back to sleep. I'll need to be up early to help Dean prepare to go home. He'll be the second of our four men who is ready to be on his own again. His burns have been closed up for a few days now and Juni gave him the okay to leave this afternoon after she has a final look and gives him instructions on how to continue caring for the fragile skin.

"Just come lay down with me. We don't even have to sleep." He murmurs, reading my mind, "We can talk or cuddle or-"

I cross the hallway in two strides before placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Or that." He says sounding slightly surprised, "That's good too." He smiles and I roll my eyes.

"Let's just get some rest. I feel like I haven't slept at all." I say, leading the way under the covers.

"Probably because of that nightmare. What was it about?" He asks, nestling my body to his naturally.

"Vance." I answer simply.

Rowan tenses, "The boy who danced with you? The one who looks like Linden?"

It's my turn to tense up now, "Yes." I say but Rowan stays silent, waiting for me to explain further, "He was in pain. He was burned badly all over his face. He said I never warned him and he accused me of knowing that it would happen to him."

"Sounds scary." Rowan murmurs.

"It was," I admit, "but it was mostly sad. I felt guilty. I never told him what they were going to do to him. I think he suspected but I still wonder if it was as scary for him the first time as it was for me. He was just a boy."

Rowan leans over and kisses my temple gently, "It's not your fault no matter what they do to him while he's in the Capitol. There was no way you could protect him."

"But I could have at least warned him." I whisper, "What if he turns out the same as me?"

He sits up and turns my face to him before speaking, "You're not such a bad person to turn out like, Camellia."

"I know." I admit with a sigh. "I just hope he doesn't go through everything I did. I hope he doesn't need the drugs and that he'll go home to a family that loves him and helps him move on."

"If he's strong like you, he will." Rowan says placing a kiss in the center of my forehead where my eyebrows have furrowed together. "He seemed like a good kid; levelheaded and down to earth. I bet he'll find some way to cope and be back to his family soon enough."

"I hope you're right." I agree with a yawn.

"Let's get some sleep." Rowan orders, settling back against the pillows again. It doesn't take long before sleep takes me again this time to a world where my parents are still alive and they invite Rowan to dinner as part of our family.

…

"Now you'll follow these directions word for word, do you hear me?" Juni states firmly as she hands Trevor several sheets of paper. It's been several weeks since the night Max remembered what happened in the mill.

Trevor is the third man to be sent home from Rowan's house. Now only Alder remains and he'll be ready to go home in a few days time. Trevor had sustained some burns to his legs and hands but he's finally regained function after two months of care.

"Yes ma'am." He responds with a grin. He's only a few years older than me and he has a cheerful, joking disposition. It's a shame he's forced to work in the mill where that personality largely goes to waste.

"I'll be by every other day to check on you. I'll know if you're taking shortcuts or skipping the exercises." Juni warns sternly. Trevor looks to me and rolls his eyes. I try not to smile but it's difficult so I settle for covering my mouth with my hand.

Juni doesn't miss the exchange and she looks back to me with a sigh, "You'll be the one taking care of him if he gives me any trouble, missy. I wouldn't be so quick to laugh."

This earns a booming laugh from Trevor, which I find contagious.

"I'm sure he'll do everything you say, Juni. Trevor's been the model patient. Haven't you?" I raise an eyebrow.

"I've tried to be." He responds with another grin. He's a charismatic man; there's no denying that. Juni's mouth twitches at the corners and I know she's struggling to hold back a smile too.

"Then we'll let you get settled I suppose. I'll check on you tomorrow morning just to be sure everything's going okay." Juni says before heading for the front door.

Trevor stands and crosses the distance between us in three strides of his gangly limbs. His arms envelope me tightly and my arms instinctually move to his chest. I catch myself before I push him away out of reflex. I'm still not comfortable being so close to strangers- although Trevor isn't really a stranger anymore.

He doesn't seem to notice my discomfort, bending to whisper in my ear, "Thank you for everything, Camellia. I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't taken us in."

"I'm sure Juni wouldn't have thrown you out on the street, Trevor." I joke and he gives a little chuckle.

"Regardless. I owe you. You saved my life and my sanity." He says softly.

"I think you're over exaggerating." I reply with a smile, "I just took care of your burns for you."

"And you listened." He murmurs, no trace of laughter in his face now, "That did more than you can ever know."

Tears prickle at the back of my eyelids and I smile, "Well don't be a stranger, Trevor. I want to hear from you every so often."

He beams brightly, "Of course. You won't get rid of me this easily, Camellia Goldenlarch."

"Good to know," I laugh as I step out the door.

"Have a good evening." He calls to Juni and I before closing the door behind us.

Juni and I walk in silence as we head back toward our respective houses. It's cold and there are several inches of snow on the ground that swirl around our legs in the gusts of wind every so often. The snow arrived just after the fire as a stroke of luck. It made treating the burns easier and the fact that it came so late in the year allowed us to provide emergency care outside until we could move the men back to Juni's house.

"How are you and Rowan doing?" Juni questions out of the blue, attempting to sound offhanded.

I wait for a gust of wind to pass and roll my eyes, "We're fine, Juni."

She hasn't mentioned anything about 'us' since that day when I was still working at the house-turned-infirmary. When she'd stopped by Rowan's house to check on the men and how I was handling things, I'd caught her casting looks my way but she's never said anything more. Until now that is.

"You know if you have questions you can ask me." I frown but she continues, oblivious to my confusion, "I have herbs. They're not as foolproof as the pills in the Capitol but they usually do the job and keep you from getting pregnant. I figure you two-"

My eyes widen and my jaw goes slack. I'm sure a blush has risen to my cheeks but hopefully the wind has already reddened them enough that it's not noticeable.

"Juni," I cut her off quickly, "it's not like that. We don't- we aren't- we haven't gotten that far yet." I stutter. This woman is like a grandmother to me. How can it be possible that we're talking about this right now? How have I not melted into the ground in embarrassment yet?

"Well I could always give you some just so you have them when you need them." She suggests, completely clueless about my mortification. Or at least she's pretending to be. I have my suspicions since I know she has sharp observation skills.

"Really, Juni, it's okay. I'm not ready for that yet. We're taking things slowly." I scramble. My voice sounds light and panicked.

Juni looks up for the first time and acknowledges my discomfort. She gives a smile and places a hand on my shoulder, "Okay dear. I'm sorry. I just want you to be prepared. I know you wouldn't want to bring a child into this world before you were absolutely ready."

I nod, "I know. And I'll come to you when- if- the time is ever right."

Juni seems content with my response and nods to herself slowly before piping up again, "Has he told you he loves you yet?"

"Juni!" I exclaim. This is all too strange. Since when is she so meddlesome?

"It's just a question, Camellia. It's obvious he does but I want to know if he's said it yet."

"Of course not! We hardly know each other. It's barely been any time at all since I got back." I argue.

"It's been more than six months. Are you sure he hasn't tried to tell you? You might have put him off- changed the subject, knowing you." She probes for more information.

"We aren't discussing this, Juni." I state firmly, "That's really private stuff."

"Well I just want to see you happily married and with children before I die, Camellia. Is it too much for an old woman to ask?" She questions exasperatedly, "You're like a child to me, dear."

We've arrived at the entrance of the Victor's Village so I stop walking and stare down at the old woman in front of me, still burning with embarrassment and yet touched by her words. She looks at me with such sincerity it melts whatever irritation she has caused.

"We aren't that far, Juni." I assure her, "But you'll be the first to know if we get there."

She gives a smile and squeezes my arm, "I know you still have Alder for another day but have you thought about what you're going to do once the house is empty again?"

"What do you mean?" I question curiously. She's all over the place today.

"I mean, I'm not going to be alive forever and I need to start training someone to take over for me." Juni explains, "Heck, maybe I'll even get a few years to relax without work before I go."

"Don't talk like that, Juni." I admonish, shaking my head at this bizarre older woman.

"It's the truth!" She argues, "But that's irrelevant. You'd make a good healer. I never saw it before but the way you handled this entire catastrophe has opened my eyes. If you want the job, you've got it. We can work out your pay as we go-"

"You want me to be your apprentice?" I ask in shock.

"That's my plan." The wizened woman replies with a toothy smile.

"You- you really think I could do it?" I question. Up until a few months ago I didn't know if I could hold myself together and now she wants me to fix other people?

"I think that what you've been through will make you better than most. You have empathy child. That's something that can't be taught. The rest of it can be." She places a knotted hand on my shoulder, "Just think about it before you tell me yes or no, okay?"

I nod, still in shock over the turn our conversation has taken, "I will."

"Good girl." She says with a smile and heads off in the direction of her home.

I hurry through the cold wind to Rowan's house, my mind still reeling with thoughts of the proposal. When I walk through the door, I stomp the snow off my shoes and notice the delicious smell coming from the kitchen.

"Perfect timing, Camellia." Alder calls from the kitchen. "Dinner is nearly ready."

Confused, I make my way to the kitchen and see Al stirring something on the stove, his head of graying auburn hair bent over a large pot in concentration. Rowan is at the counter cutting thick slices of crusty baker's bread while Holly and Ash set plates out at the table.

"Well this is a surprise." I comment, observing the scene with wide eyes.

Al looks up and smiles. It's always shocking how much he looks like Rowan when he smiles. They share the same eyes even down to the tiny crinkles at their corners though Al's are much deeper than Rowan's and don't completely disappear.

"Juni told me that I'd be free to go home tomorrow so I thought I'd cook you my specialty as a thank you for everything." Al explains.

"And what's your specialty, Al?" I ask in amusement.

"Chili." Rowan answers softly from his place at the counter. He looks up at me as though he's both surprised he remembers and saddened by the memory of it. "It's the best you'll ever eat."

"Thanks Rowan." Alder says graciously as he pulls the pot off the stove.

They've been working on their relationship ever since Rowan let Alder move into the house all those weeks ago. It's still precarious most days. Rowan isn't quite ready to forgive and forget everything. But Alder has been patient with him; truly regretful for everything he's missed. And Rowan has tried his best to understand why his father behaved the way he did after Cherry died. They haven't gotten so far as to talk about the topic directly but they're making their way there slowly. Just spending all this time in the kitchen together is a huge improvement from the first few days that Alder was here. The initial glow of their reunion had worn off by then. Rowan had been short with him and hesitant to show any affection toward the man who abandoned him.

"Everything is ready when you are, Camellia." Al says as he serves up the chili and Rowan passes out bread.

Ash sticks a finger into the steaming hot concoction and sticks it in his mouth. His eyes widen for a moment. "Wow. This is really good."

I laugh, "I guess dinner's going to start without me if I don't sit down now."

Ash gives a sheepish smile but we all take our seats. The meal goes well. Ash and Holly love Al. He's good with them too, telling them all kinds of stories that make them laugh. I can see where Rowan gets it from. Rowan is quiet but he speaks easily with his father several times, recalling funny old memories of his father trying to teach him how to cook. Rowan's skills had apparently been an uphill battle even then. I smile at the thought of a tiny Rowan spilling ingredients all over the kitchen floor.

Once everyone has eaten their fill, Rowan stands and requests for Holly and Ash to help with the dishes.

"I can do them. I didn't help cook at all." I say standing to clear the table.

"That's because it's a thank you meal for you." Rowan says with a laugh, "And Dad already did all the cooking. We can handle washing dishes."

Holly and Ash nod as they dutifully clear the dishes from the table.

I follow Al upstairs to help him pack the few belongings that he had moved to this house, mostly clothing. It only takes us a half hour before we've rounded up everything he owns.

"Oh!" He exclaims from the bed where he's folding up a pair of pants, "I left a sweater in that closet there. Do you mind grabbing it for me, dear?"

"Sure." I say crossing the room and grabbing the only article of clothing in there. I notice a box sitting on the floor and frown as I grab that too. "You didn't bring a box with you, did you Al?" I question setting the box down on the floor and taking a seat next to it.

"No. Just this bag here." He says patting the heavy burlap bag next to him.

I nod and pull the lid off the simple brown box. I don't know what I was expecting to find but I let out a surprised sound when I see what's inside. There are carvings, about a dozen of them, mostly smaller than my hand.

I pick up one of the figures from the top of the box and look at the delicate sculpture. It's a child with no face, an abstract body but I can tell he's sad and his body is too skinny. I pick up another this one has a tiny face carved into it but it seems to be one of only a handful that does. Most are faceless and some appear to be on the brink of starvation they're so thin. They're haunting, tugging at my chest in such a physical way that seems impossible. They're beautiful too in a sad way and I'm sure that Rowan has committed treason against our government by creating them.

Alder silently picks up one of the tiny figures and turns it over in his hand. He gives a sigh after a few minutes, "We should probably put these away. He must have put them in the closet for a reason. He'll talk about them when he's ready."

I put the carving I'm holding back into the box but I don't know that I agree with Alder on this. I find it unlikely that Rowan was ever going to show these to me. I never thought about it but he's rarely shown me anything that he carves. Holly's bracelet and my necklace are the two exceptions. I don't know why I never questioned him about it before now.

He has a real talent but there's so much pain in each of the sculptures that I feel guilty that I never spoke to him about it. Clearly the Games still haunt him more than I ever realized.

That night, once we've all settled into our beds, I turn to face Rowan. His arms find their way around my waist but I put a hand to his chest before he can settle me against him.

"Rowan?"

"Hmm." He hums tiredly, the sound vibrating his chest under my hand.

"I found your carvings- the ones in the box inside the closet of the spare room." He opens his eyes and a crease forms on his forehead, "I didn't mean to. I just noticed it and opened it up."

Rowan swallows thickly, "Why would you do that? Why would you open a box that you knew wasn't yours?"

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking like that. I thought it would just be a box of old clothes or something." I say softly, "I'm sorry but Rowan why didn't you show them to me? They're so-"

"I didn't show them to you because they're really personal, Camellia." He says darkly. It's easy to tell he's angry and his voice raises with each word until he's almost shouting, "Forgive me if I don't want to share everything with you all at once!" His words seem to ring through the otherwise silent room.

"Rowan," I murmur but he's pulling his arms from around me and sliding out of bed as I do. "I'm sorry."

I reach for his arm as he steps away but he shies away from my grasp, "Just leave it, Camellia!" He orders, his body tense as he walks out of the room. I don't want to anger him any further so I let him go, laying back against the pillows to stare at the white ceilings above me.

I try to go to sleep but I can't stop my thoughts from buzzing and I can't keep my mind from worrying about Rowan. What if he went out to drink? What if he's drunkenly wandering around the village center in this cold? What if he doesn't come back?

My heart lurches at this last question and I can't take it anymore. I slip out of bed and pad silently downstairs. The living room is dark and empty as are all the rooms on the lower level.

I look out the kitchen window and see him sitting there on the porch, the box of figures at his feet. I slide into my boots and grab a blanket from the back of the couch before stepping outside to join him. He doesn't look up when the door clicks shut so I sit down next to him and throw the blanket over us both. I wait for him to acknowledge me but he doesn't, he just stares lifelessly at the box below him.

"Please don't be mad with me, Rowan." I whisper. "I didn't mean anything by it and I really am sorry."

He lets out a heavy sigh and turns to press his lips against my forehead, "You can be infuriating sometimes you know?"

"That's what you keep telling me." I answer softly but lean into him. His body is like ice and I wonder if he's been sitting out here without a coat on the entire time he's been missing from the bed.

His arm slides around my back, pulling my warmth closer to him and we sit there in silence for a long while. It starts to snow softly, tiny white flakes floating down onto the blanket. It feels like hours though it could only be minutes before Rowan speaks again.

"I would have shown them to you eventually." He murmurs, "I just wasn't ready yet."

"I honestly didn't mean to upset you, Rowan." I say settling my head against his shoulder.

"I know that. I was just mad." He admits before leaning forward to pull two of the statues out of the box. "I've been working on them all year. There's one for each of the District 7 tributes since I won my games."

I gaze at the sad statues and realize that some of them are much smaller than others. Although all of the bodies are abstract, some are stockier while others are willowy. It makes sense. There have been several twelve year olds chosen since Rowan started mentoring; those would be the smaller ones.

He bends to shuffle around in the box before pulling out one of the larger figures and holding it up for me, "This one is for Linden."

I reach out and run my fingers over the light honey colored wood. It does look like him strangely enough; tall and sturdier than most of the figures sitting in the box before us. Somehow Rowan has managed to capture the way Linden carried himself, like he was light as a feather despite all the lean muscle. My thumb brushes over the tiny face, set firm like it's ready to face battle.

"It looks like him." I say, my voice shaking on the last word.

"That's what I was hoping for." He responds quietly, pressing closer to me, "I spent a long time trying to capture him just right."

"You did." I state simply. I'm afraid to say any more for fear that I might start crying.

He reaches for another figure, this one much smaller, carved out of some sort of darker wood. It's one of the more willowy figures and looks like it's trying to curl up into as small of a space as it can, like it's hiding.

"This one is for Amelia." He explains. He's managed to capture her as well. Though I hardly knew her, I can see Linden's fellow tribute in the graceful carving.

"Why do some of them have faces?" I ask softly, hoping that asking him this isn't asking him to share too much.

"Those are the ones that I mentored personally." He explains sadly. Suddenly there are too many figures with faces on them in the box. It makes my stomach twist into knots imagining how horrible it would be to watch that many kids I knew so personally be killed.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier." Rowan says, looking down at me with that crease in his forehead again. "I shouldn't have gotten that mad at you. You didn't do anything on purpose."

"I probably shouldn't have been opening boxes that don't belong to me." I admit, "I wasn't thinking. And like you're always reminding me- I don't have any manners."

"No you don't. But I shouldn't have been afraid to show them to you either." He pauses before admitting, "I was afraid you'd think I was crazy when you saw them."

"Remembering them doesn't make you crazy, Rowan. I think I'd be more concerned if you forgot them easily." I soothe. "I'm sorry I've never asked you about them before now."

"I probably wouldn't have talked to you about them to be honest." He admits. He takes a shaky breath before whispering just barely louder than a sigh, "Sometimes I feel like I murdered them because I failed to train them well enough."

His words tear through me with icy fingers. I reach up and turn his head to face me, "You're not a murderer, Rowan. You try your best to save them every year but you can't control what happens in the arena. The people who find entertainment in it are the murderers."

He rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes, "I hate it. I hate it so much."

His breath rattles and his body starts to shake though I have a strong feeling that it has nothing to do with the chill of the night. He opens his eyes and there's a fire burning there that I've never seen before.

"I hate them." He whispers, "I hate the Capitol."

I rest a hand wordlessly on his cheek. There's nothing I can say to comfort him because at this moment, like so many before it, I hate the Capitol just as much as he does.

"I'll live to see the day Snow is dead even if I have to kill him myself."

My heart jumps, "Rowan you shouldn't say things like that here." I whisper the warning, ignoring the urge to look over my shoulder for anyone who might have overheard us.

"They know it all already, Camellia. Don't fool yourself. They're always watching us." He spits bitterly.

"But you shouldn't egg them on." I murmur, pressing my lips against his forehead, "I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you."

He leans back so he can look me in the eyes. The fire is gone and that look is back again, the one that scares me because it's so intense. I think I know what it is though I'm terrified to admit it.

"Camellia, I-"

"We should get to bed." I blurt out uneasily. Rowan looks surprised but closes his mouth, "It's getting late and I have to be up to help Al get settled back at home in the morning."

"Of course." He says brushing his lips against my forehead before leaving the warmth of the blanket to pick up his box.

As I watch his tall form retreat into the house, I notice just how fast my heart is beating. My mind is jumbled and racing in a hundred different directions. I know what he was going to say and it scares me. I can't say it back to him. How could I after Linden? People aren't allowed to be that happy twice in a lifetime.

We settle into bed as though nothing has happened and Rowan snores softly within minutes. My thoughts however, won't slow enough to let me fall asleep. So for the first time in a long time, I watch the sun rise over the mountains, wondering how I'm going to handle the truth when Rowan finally manages to say it. Because I know it's only a matter of time before he gets it out into the open no matter how hard I try to keep him from saying it.

…

I'm at the counter, back in my own home again after all the injured men had been discharged from Rowan's house, kneading dough for fresh bread when a soft knock comes at the door followed quickly by the creak of hinges and burst of the cold, winter air. It's been a relatively mild winter so far and we're past the worst months of it. It won't be long now before the cool, wet spring weather arrives. I glance over my shoulder and smile at Rowan as he crosses the room to me. He doesn't smile back though and it's then I notice the worried creases between his eyebrows.

"Hi." I say turning to face him as he leans against the counter. "What's wrong?"

His gaze meets mine, "I got a phone call today."

My heart skips, "From who?"

"Who do you think?" He says shooting me a jaded look. "He wants me back in the Capitol for two weeks."

I turn back to the dough in front of me in hopes that he won't notice the fear written all over my face, "Why?"

"There's a big party one of the higher ups is throwing." He shrugs before bitterly adding, "He wants me there for two weeks so I can take care of some _obligations_."

My head shakes of it's own volition as he speaks. "Rowan." I whisper. It sounds weak, like I can't catch my breath and I hate it.

He gives a weak, joking smile, trying to make light of the situation, "It'll be okay, Camellia."

"No it won't." I argue. "It's not right. They can't keep doing this."

"They can, actually. Who's going to stop them?" He says with a bitter laugh.

"Stop it!" I yell suddenly, "Don't laugh about this!"

Rowan jumps slightly at my outburst and surprise registers on his face as he realizes how upset I am. I don't know why it shocks him. How did he think I'd react? I only have suspicions about what, exactly, they do to him in the Capitol but I imagine it's not a far shot from what I was forced into. I hate that they have this power over us and I hate that I can't even attempt to protect him.

"Camellia, we can't stop them. I just have to do this for two weeks then it will be done. I'll be able to come home. I'll come back to you." He soothes, reaching a hand out to brush my hair back behind my ear.

"Tell them no. Tell them you won't do it!" I counter, stepping out of reach of his hand, not even really hearing what he is saying, not wanting to believe that there's no way out. I sound like a petulant child but I can't stop myself. He just needs to put his foot down. They wouldn't kill a Victor.

"You know I can't do that. They'll make me go, one way or another." His words make me furious. I hate him for saying them but in a tiny part of my mind I know he's right. That doesn't stop my irrational mind from lashing out.

"What, do you want to go? Do you want to leave us?" I demand hysterically. Some small part of me knows this is a completely unreasonable conclusion but the larger part of my mind is panicking.

He shakes his head in frustration, running a hand through his hair and wringing out the ends, "You know that isn't true-"

"Then stay here!" I yell. I don't think I've yelled at Rowan since the first day I saw him back in District 7 but I yell now and the words seem to reverberate in the house. He's silent for a moment before he takes a cautious step closer to me.

"Camellia, I can't." He pleads, desperate for me to just understand, to accept this fact. He closes the distance between us quickly and wraps his arms around me. I push at his chest, pounding my fists against him, furious with him that he has to go, but he doesn't release me.

"Don't leave me." I beg pathetically as the tears spring up suddenly in my eyes and I collapse into his chest, finally giving up.

He holds me tightly to him and buries his face in my hair, his voice choked, "I don't want to. I'll come back though, Camellia. I promise; I'll come back."

"What if they make you stay?" I ask, fear lacing every word.

"They won't. They never do as long as I do what they want and don't give them trouble." He whispers, rubbing a hand gently over my back.

"You can't just up and walk out on us, Rowan. You have to come back." I plead. In the back of my mind I realize how pathetic, how desperate, I must sound but over these months I've come to rely on Rowan. No, more than rely on him. I've come to care about him more that I can admit.

He takes my face in his hand and tilts my gaze to meet his, "Camellia, I swear I will never abandon you. I will always come back and I will always find you. No matter what."

I stare at him for a long moment, memorizing every detail of his face that I can in such a short period of time because I can't ignore the foreboding feeling I have. He might never hold me like this again and I can't forget him. I can't forget the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, or the flecks of gold on evergreen in his iris. I can't forget the fullness of his lips or the exact shade of his thick auburn hair and the way it always looks as if he's run his hands through it one too many times.

"When do you leave?" I whisper the question though I'm dreading the answer.

"I'm on the next train. They didn't give me much notice." He says softly but I swear a knife must have been driven into my gut. He must notice my reaction because he adds, "The sooner I leave, the sooner I get to come home."

I nod because now is not the time for me to panic. There will be plenty of time for that after Rowan leaves. Now is the time for me to try and comfort him because I know he must be dreading leaving for the Capitol just as much as I hate the idea of him leaving. So I swallow all my worries and rise up on my toes to brush my lips against his. He responds instantly, hungrily, his fear and desperation clear in his lips. I don't shy away from his passion though as I might have a few weeks ago, instead pressing back against him and deepening the kiss further. He guides me to rest against the counter and I reach my hands up to tangle in his hair. It's getting long and needs a cut but I'll mention that once he comes home. His hands slide up my sides, his fingertips tracing each curve as they meet them.

Steps sound on the front porch and he pulls away sharply. Shortly after Ash and Holly walk through the door. They're in the middle of a conversation and say their hellos distractedly before heading upstairs to do homework. Neither of them notices the two of us panting breathlessly, Rowan's hair especially disheveled.

Rowan pulls me against him into a tight hug and I can feel a low grumble in his chest, "I need to get going." He says reluctantly.

I nod, "I'll miss you." I whisper, which elicits a soft kiss from him. I want to add the other sentence that floats into my head but I bit my tongue. I can't say that. Not now. It would only make this harder.

"I'll miss you too." He says quietly. "I'll be home almost before you notice I'm gone." He assures me as he heads for the door.

I give a weak smile and nod, watching him as he crosses the yard to the path back toward town. Rowan has rarely told me anything but the truth however tonight he did. It's impossible that he'll be back before I notice he's gone because I already miss him.

**AN: **Well there you have it. Hopefully if you made it to the end you've enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you thought! Hopefully the next part will be out next week.


	34. Chapter 34- Peace Offerings

**AN: **Well here's the newest chapter. I'm so sorry it has taken me ages to get this one posted. I just wasn't happy with it for a while but I worked some things out and I think it turned out better than I expected. As always, thank you for all your reviews and favorites. I appreciate them so very much!

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games only Suzanne Collins does._

**Part 34- Birth of a Healer**

Thankfully, Juni finds work for me the next day and I start my apprenticeship. It helps to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. Sometimes it works so well that I forget that Rowan isn't in the district anymore.

"Juni!" A young man calls from across the road. He waves and runs the short distance to us.

"We need you up at the lumberyard. Desmond just got his hand jammed up in one of the machines." The man is slightly green, apparently none too keen over the situation at hand.

"Do you want to come along? It'll be good practice for you I'm sure." Juni says, glancing over her shoulder as she begins walking. We had been heading home for the day but I'm in no hurry to be back in the house with nothing to do so I follow her into the woods.

"He's right over here." The man says guiding us to an area swarming with other workers. There's a low murmur in the crowd as it parts to let us through.

"What trouble have you gotten to now, Desmond?" Juni asks, settling down next to the injured man. He's pale and his face has a sheen of sweat over it even in the cool air. When I look at his hand, I understand why. It's mangled beyond belief four fingers sticking out haphazardly, one with the bone poking through his skin. The sight even makes me a little queasy but I quickly shake off the feeling and move next to Juni. It's easier to deal with a sight like this if you're in a certain mind frame, I've found.

"You've been getting into messes like this since the day I helped you're mama deliver you." Juni chides as she delicately inspects the man's hand.

He winces and gives a tight laugh, "You know I couldn't let things get too easy for you, Juni."

"Well, it turns out I have my apprentice with me today. This is Camellia. I'll be walking her through how to reset all of these and dress that hand up." Juni explains. "She'll be the one taking care of you when I finally retire. And good riddance too."

"I've heard a lot about you but it's nice to finally meet you in person, Camellia. I'm Desmond." I reach out my hand and take his left, uninjured one, with a smile and nod. His words could easily send me blushing because of my obvious history but the way he says it is kind and easygoing. He doesn't give me the impression that he's making me the butt of any joke.

Juni motions to one of the surrounding men who steps forward holding a thick belt of leather. Desmond grimaces as Juni positions his hand more comfortably for us to work on and the man holds out the belt. I notice the semicircular groove in its surface and only have to wonder for a moment what caused it. Desmond bites down on it, situating his teeth comfortably before nodding to Juni. Apparently bone setting is almost a rite of passage out in the lumberyards, almost every man having broke some bone in their body at some point. Although, judging by the pasty faces of the onlookers, this is one of the more gruesome cases.

"Okay, we'll start with the pinky then work our way in. We'll leave the open fracture for last since that will be the most painful one." Juni says before she starts barking out commands, teaching me how to feel along the bones to tell if they've been properly aligned.

Once we reach the last finger, I pull the finger straight out as instructed. Desmond has sweat pouring down his face by this time and lets out a painful moan, teeth clamped down on the belt. I'm sweating rather profusely myself and my stomach churns as the bone slowly slips back through the puncture in Desmond's skin. After that, I follow the same procedure as for the other fingers.

"You did well. You're a quick learner." Juni praises after checking the alignment of the last finger. We clean the hand as best we can and bandage it up. Desmond is still pasty white but manages a weak smile.

"Well it still hurts like a son of a bitch to have them set but it helps that she's a sight prettier than you, Juni." Desmond jokes and ducks as Juni swings a hand to box his ear lightly.

"You hush boy or I'll make sure those fingers need to be reset." Desmond cackles although he pales a bit more at the thought of Juni's reprimand.

A smile creeps across my face before a flash of deep red catches my eye in the fading sunlight of the day. I smile broadly and turn to face Rowan before I realize that it couldn't possibly be him. Right now he's probably on the arm of some Capitol woman at a lavish party. The light shifts and I see that the deep red was actually brown only highlighted red by the setting sun. My heart sinks slightly as I look into the face of the nameless man.

I pull my attention back to Juni and Desmond just as she finishes giving him instructions and telling him she'll check in on him tomorrow. I bid my goodbyes and we walk out of the lumberyard together.

"We'll be watching him for infection with that open fracture. Everything else should heal well enough. You aligned them very well for your first time." Juni murmurs as we make our way toward the path that will eventually lead to my house.

Holly and Ash are quiet dinner. I told them last night that Rowan had left for the Capitol for two weeks. The news seemed to take the life out of them, or maybe they were just responding to my anxiousness. I push my food around on my plate, not hungry for once in my life. I can't get the images of what they might be doing to Rowan out of my mine.

Once I'm settled into bed for the night, I can't seem to close my eyes. Instead, I stare up at the blank white ceiling. There's a crack running through it that I know will bring trouble when the spring rains finally set in. I doze off eventually and have restless, hazy dreams all night, waking with the grey light just before dawn.

…

"It's hotter than District 11 in here; what the hell are you doing?" Johanna demands as she barges through the door to the house a week later.

Juni and I had gotten through treatments early today. She'd even taken time back at her house to show me how to prepare some common medicinal prescriptions. After a few hours of lecturing, she'd declared she was tired and needed a nap, sending me out the door to busy myself until tomorrow. Currently, I am washing laundry that has been piling up since I've started working with Juni. I'm already on my third basin of hot water, which explains the heat in the back room of the house.

"Laundry, what does it look like I'm doing? What do you want, Johanna?" I ask as I take up one of Ash's shirts and begin scrubbing ruthlessly at a ground in grass stain.

"I just thought I might come cheer you up some." She says flopping down less than gracefully across from me.

I frown, "Why would I need to be cheered up?"

She blinks her deep brown eyes, so similar to a deer's, at me before raising an eyebrow, "I thought you just might be missing your lover."

"And what makes you think that a visit from you would cheer me up?" I bark sharply, ignoring the lover comment.

Her eyes widen but a smirk creeps across her face, "Ouch. You do have a little bite to you, don't you?" A look of realization dawns on her face, "Oh I see. You're all hot and bothered because Rowan hasn't been around to take care of it. How long have you two been going at it then?"

I glance up sharply at her, trying to burn a hole through her and noting the sparkle in her eye, "We haven't. Not that it's any of your business."

"Of course it's not." She cackles gleefully. Somehow I think she's getting more cheer from this visit than I am. "Has he tried to get you in bed? Or is he being a Nancy about it? Because I can talk to him about it. Girls have needs, you know?" She winks conspiratorially.

I'm not sure I successfully manage to keep the horror from my face. Her smile seems to affirm that feeling and I duck my head to focus on the grass stain in my hands. It's quiet for a while and I'm thankful for it; in no hurry for Johanna to try and embarrass me further.

"I didn't mean to upset you." Johanna sighs, though it sounds more resentful than regretful.

"Of course it upsets me, Johanna!" I snap, surprising even myself by the veracity of my words. "Of course I know he wants to go there. Don't you think I've sat up at night trying to think my way through this? Damn!"

I shout as my hand slips from the shirt and slams into the tub, catching my thumb just right so that it leaves a shallow cut. I suck on it, the tang of irony blood permeating my senses. Johanna is staring at me, clearly in shock over my outburst. I look away as heat rises to my cheeks. I hadn't meant to say anything though it was all the truth. I've spent the last several nights trying to reckon with my emotions. I want to give everything to Rowan and I know I can trust him, but I can't get past the dread that settles like a twenty-pound stone in my stomach when I think about having sex with him.

"Shit. You really are upset about this." Johanna says after a few more minutes of staring intently at me.

"I never would have guessed it." I say bitterly, looking at my thumb which seems to have stopped bleeding for the time being.

"Listen." Johanna says, leaning down to meet her gaze with mine, "I was seriously just messing around but you shouldn't- you don't-" She gives an indignant huff. Apparently being lost for words isn't something she takes lightly.

"What the hell did they do to you?" She asks softly, almost childlike, a moment later.

"I think you have a pretty good idea already." I mumble, turning the shirt over in my hands.

"And I thought they fucked me up." She says lowly. When I look up, she's watching me with those doe eyes gain, disgust apparent in her look though I don't get the impression she's disgusted with me for once. "At least I can still bang someone."

I grimace at her word choice though I know first hand it can aptly describe the experience. Suddenly the words are sliding off my lips before I can stop them.

"We tried to. The first night when I was back here in the house. Well I don't know so much as _tried_ as we almost _did_. I guess there's a difference. I couldn't though. I couldn't get the others out of my head and I panicked and I couldn't breathe and- I just couldn't." I look up at the woman across from me, so different in so many ways but I know she understands, at least partly, what I mean.

She at least knows what it's like not to be in control of what you do with your own body. She may or may not have ever been forced into bed with a man, that I don't know, but there's no denying she was forced into the Games. Even now she's forced to attend events for Victors and to coach other tributes in the Games.

"I feel like I could with him but anytime I start thinking about it, my chest gets tight and it's like my body is made of lead." I whisper to fill the silent void between us. Something about her seems to soften before she speaks again.

"They leave their mark on all of us." She assures me, though it's not all that comforting of a thought. "It takes time but you'll get past it."

I don't say anything to this and neither does she. The far off look in her eyes tells me she's not really here in the house with me. I wonder where she is. Is she back in the Games? Or is she even further away, in some time before she was taken from her home to fight to the death?

"They killed my family too, you know. They only took Rowan's sister but they took everyone from me." Johanna murmurs, just loud enough for me to hear after a long silence had spread out between us.

"They wanted to use me like they do him but I was stubborn and stupid and I said no. I told them to go suck on tree sap." She says with the ghost of a smile, "My sister always used to tell me that when I irritated her. She was two years older than me. Too old to volunteer for me. I don't know if she would have anyway."

She's staring at the wall behind me and I feel almost as though I'm intruding. She throws me a tired look before she continues and I know she's still here with me, telling me this as some sort of peace offering.

"My mother and father," she gives half a laugh and shakes her head, "they were so happy when I came home alive. I could see the life drain out of them when they realized it wasn't their daughter that came back though. It was a monster; someone they didn't know at all. They tried. They tried to comfort me but I pushed them away." Her voice cracks on the last word and trails off for a long while.

I begin to think she's done sharing her story when she takes a long deep breath. She looks up at me and the familiar haunted look that I've seen so often in Rowan's eyes is looking out at me through hers.

"I killed them all. I tricked all those children and I murdered them. Then I came home and killed my family too. Because of my stupid decisions they're all dead." She shrugs, "The whole district knows it too. That's why little kids run away from me. They know the monster that I am."

"They ruined me too, you see?" She says, nearly pleading with me to understand though I don't think she means it to sound that way, "I might be able to jump into bed with any guy that has a nice body but I can't feel like you anymore. There's nothing left in me to love someone like you love Rowan."

We stare at each other for a long while in silence, neither of us looking away or saying a word. Her pain is there in her face, bared out for me to scrutinize and I'm sure I must be doing the same. I don't realize I'm crying until I try to speak and my words come out thick with tears.

"I never said I loved him." I point out her mistake softly, as if speaking too loud might make all of this too horrible, and too real to stand.

She rolls her eyes and that cocky smile so characteristic of Johanna returns, the moment of intimacy gone, "You're lying to yourself if you think you don't. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong."

I stare at her for a moment but her gaze seems to burn into me and I look away, brushing the last of my tears from my cheeks.

"That's what I thought." She says proudly, a smug smirk pasted on her lips, "You should practice saying it."

I pull a sweater into the washtub in an attempt to ignore her and look up in shock when her hands join mine with one of Holly's dresses.

"What?" She demands, "I do know how to do laundry and I'm not leaving until you say it."

I shrug and turn my attention back to the blue sweater in hand. We continue in a companionable silence for what seems like an eternity until there are no more clothes to wash. I look up at her waiting gaze and cringe away.

"Say it." She says firmly with a wicked smile, enjoying my discomfort far too much. This is the Johanna I've known and I almost hate her for it but after our talk this afternoon I don't think I'm capable of hating her anymore.

It's a few more minutes of tense silence before I shakily whisper, "I love him."

"Ha! I knew it." She says jumping gleefully to her feet and pointing an accusatory finger at me as though I've just confessed to some crime.

I frown at her perverse delight. It's as though my heart has plunged down to my toes and yet flown from my chest at the same time. I hurt and yet there's a warm blissful feeling throughout my body. How can I love Rowan and still do right by Linden?

She takes note of my less than thrilled appearance and sobers up a bit, "He loves you too. I know he does. He's like my brother. I can just tell things about him, you know how that is?" She asks settling down next to me.

I nod, "It's not that. I know he does. He's been trying to get it out for weeks and I've been stopping him."

"Then what- oh." She says when she looks at my face, understanding dawns on her, "The other boy. Linden. That must be tricky."

"Tricky." I repeat by way of agreement and nod my head.

"I didn't know him all that well- only what he said at dinner during training. But he didn't seem like the type," she shrugs as if taking a moment to gather her thoughts, "I think he would understand. He wouldn't want you to be alone forever. He didn't seem like the type of ass who would demand your loyalty even after he was dead."

My brow furrows at her less than gentle way of describing my first love. I have to admit she has a point though. Linden would want me to be happy and Rowan has done that for me. Rowan understands how tricky it all is too. He isn't trying to erase Linden, that much is obvious. He needs to remember him too, a fallen tribute that he tried so hard to save. Maybe Linden might even approve of Rowan. I nearly laugh thinking about how they both always found ways to make me smile and how they can change my mood in an instant, for better or worse.

I've changed so much since Linden died. Rowan has helped me through so much of that change. Linden wouldn't hold it against us if we fell in love, I don't think. He was always more of the romantic than me. I smile at the thought and Johanna notices, having watched the entire interlude of thought going on in my head.

"Figured it out then?" She asks, standing.

I nod, "I think maybe I have; at least as much as I'm ever going to."

"Well then, I'm leaving. It's too damn hot in here to stand it." She says bluntly, "Glad I could cheer you up some, Songbird."

"You made me cry." I point out, following her to the door.

"Oh sure, point out the low part." She grumbles, but smiles nonetheless. "Tell him hi for me when he gets back. Preferably not when you're hot and heavy on each other though. I'd rather not my name be connected to those types of memories with him."

I laugh at her audacity but nod, "I'll tell him."

She nods and with that heads silently out to the woods, almost as though she'd never been there at all.

…

The final days of the two weeks pass and I find myself glancing at the front door more often than is strictly necessary, hoping that perhaps I have the day wrong and Rowan will walk into the living room at any moment. He doesn't however. I start to hate that door, no matter how inanimate it might be.

The day he's scheduled to arrive home comes and passes but the telltale soft knock at the door never comes. It's late one night three days after Rowan was scheduled to be home and there is a storm wailing outside, pounding the house with icy sleet as I drink pine tea. I'm avoiding going to bed, just like I have every night since Rowan left for the Capitol.

A soft, familiar knock comes from the door and I rush to open it. Rowan steps in, wet and covered in ice pellets. He shakes his hair out, splattering me and the walls with water, and sheds his coat before looking at me. It nearly takes the breath out of me when he does. He looks lost, like he's not sure how he ever made it back here from the Capitol. I need to say something but I can't think straight enough to form a complete sentence.

"Hey." I whisper lamely, barely audible.

"Sorry I'm late." He replies, his voice so hollow it's almost as though Rowan hasn't really returned, only his body.

"It's okay." I say as I reach up and brush a hand over his face. His eyes close and he leans into my hand. "Better late than never." I whisper.

He opens his eyes and moves to catch my lips with his before I have a chance to ask anything else. This kiss is different than the one we shared before he left for the Capitol. It's slow and hungry and there's something else there, something deeper running through him, heating me to my very core. A sigh escapes me as I let my body melt into his.

I know he needs this. I can sense something in him ebbing away back to the Capitol where it belongs. I can sense him returning to himself, little by little as his lips slant desperately over mine, a feeling I welcome wholeheartedly. A tiny part of me whispers that I should stop; that I shouldn't let him hide his concerns in kisses and I should talk to him about this, but a bigger part of me knows that I don't really want to stop. I'm selfish and I've missed this and I want this comfort.

He breaks away and touches his forehead to mine, looking at me for a long while before saying anything. I stay silent- waiting and watching.

"I love you," he whispers so quietly I wonder if he actually meant to say it out loud.

My heart freezes at his words and moments later tries to catch up for lost time, beating so fast my head begins spinning. I look at him, really look at him, and realize I know my answer. I've known it for a long time and Johanna finally helped me admit it. I've been so afraid of this, but now it doesn't seem quite so scary. I've missed him so much these last two and a half weeks. I can't lie to myself about my feelings like I did before all of this. I know now that this is right. This is safe.

I smile shyly, "I love you too, Rowan."

I watch the pain, the hollowness in his eyes, melt from his face to be replaced with pure happiness and joy. He laughs lightly like a little boy just told he won all the candy in a candy shop. His eyes sparkle and the tiny wrinkles beside them become more prominent.

"I was afraid you might not." He says with a bright smile. "I've been trying to tell you for weeks but you kept running off every time I got close."

"I wasn't ready then," I whisper, beaming back at him, his happiness contagious.

"I'm glad you are now." He murmurs.

I laugh softly in agreement and rest my head under his chin listening to the sound of his heart thumping away at a hurried pace. He lets out another long sigh and wraps his arms around my waist, holding me close to him as if he's worried I might try to run away now. As if I could after what I just told him.

He buries his nose in my hair and breathes deeply before whispering, just louder than the hiss of the dying fire, "My sweet Camellia."

We stand there in silence for a long while, enjoying the warmth of one another on the cold night. Rowan shifts suddenly, pulling me back by the waist to look at me. Then all at once he reaches around my back and behind my knees, knocking me off my feet.

"Rowan!" I squeal, sounding more like a merchant girl than I care to admit.

"Shh." He chuckles as he walks up the stairs, holding me close to his chest, "You'll wake your brother."

"I have two legs and I can walk on my own. I should hit you for this." I mumble but even as I say the words my fingers find the top button of his shirt and undo it before tracing tiny patterns on his skin.

A deep grumble carries from his chest, "I just thought I'd save you the trouble of walking yourself." He kicks the door shut quietly with his foot before settling me carefully on the bed. I cross my arms and frown trying to appear as disgruntled as possible. He sits down on the edge of the bed and watches me with a guilty look although his lips are quirked in amusement in spite of himself. He stays like this until a smile creeps across my face despite my best efforts to stay irritated with him. He smiles back shyly.

"Come here." I order in a whisper but the effect is immediate. He lowers himself toward me, kicking his shoes off and hovering closely, but not close enough. I let my hands travel up his chest and over his shoulders to twine in his hair, pulling his lips to mine.

He's not hard to convince; his lips move softly against mine, like a sweet nectar I've missed so much. He moves closer, lowering his chest to press against my own. The contact, even through the layers of clothing, is exquisite after so many days apart. A sigh escapes my throat as his lips move gently to my neck, heating the skin as he moves. I rake my hands through his hair, noticing again how long it's getting.

"You need a haircut." I whisper, to which he grumbles some incoherent reply. He looks up at me with hooded eyes and smiles.

"I've missed you." He murmurs huskily. "More than you could know." He kisses my forehead, then the tip of my nose and each cheek before finally making his way to my lips. A giggle bubbles up, like the bubbles in that fizzy wine the Capitol drinks. It starts deep in my chest and makes its way lightly into the world before I pull Rowan's lips back to my own.

When he pulls away for air, his eyes are sparkling as they meet my own, "I've never heard you giggle before."

"Oh gosh." I mumble, my cheeks flushing as I bring a hand up to cover my face embarrassedly. I've never been one for giggling. It always seemed more appropriate for the girls in town with fewer concerns.

"I like it." He murmurs with a husky voice. A smile crosses my lips before I can stop it and he takes the opportunity to trace his lips over my collarbone, nipping at the most prominent point. My hand leaves my face and tangles once again in his hair, pulling him closer. A whimper catches on my lips and I feel him smile against my skin as he brushes his lips softly over the same place before nipping lightly again.

A moan escapes me as my body arches up towards him. And suddenly the memories are back and we aren't alone in this room anymore. There are dozens of other men here with us. This is too much.

"Rowan?" I murmur, an edge of urgency in my voice as I run my hands through his hair and pull his lips away from me.

He groans but looks up, "What is it sweetheart?"

"Just hold me." I whisper.

Something sad flashes for just an instant across his face but his lips turn up ever so slightly as he nuzzles his nose against my hair before settling down into bed next to me. Grabbing one of my hands, he tugs me gently to drape my torso over his own. One arm finds its way around my waist as the other travels up to brush my jaw before carding gently through my hair.

"Rowan?" I whisper again.

He grumbles softly in question.

"What did they do to you?" I murmur, turning my head to look up at him, "I mean, do they do the same things they did to me?"

His bottom lip quivers for a moment and he frowns before the emotion fades away again, "I don't want to talk about that." He replies softly, tightening his arm around my waist, "Not right now. I just want to be here with you."

"You can tell me though." I say, brushing my fingers over the slight stubble on his jaw. "I want you to tell me. It's not good to keep all that inside."

"I know that." He answers, turning to press a kiss into my palm. "Just not tonight. I don't want the Capitol in our bed."

I smile softly because I know what he means. After all hadn't I just had dozens of men in the room with us? It's impossible sometimes not to think about what happened in the Capitol. The memories follow me everywhere and they're particularly vivid at night, in bed. To give into the memories though would be letting the Capitol win and neither of us wants that, least of all tonight.

"As long as you know." I whisper, stretching to place a kiss on his cheek.

"I do." He replies sleepily, his eyes already closing.

"Okay." I say, brushing a hand through his hair gently, earning a contented, distinctly masculine sound that makes me smile and my insides tickle. "Goodnight, Rowan."

"Goodnight, Camellia." He murmurs back, hugging my form closer to his.

…

Rowan doesn't mention anything that happened to him however. Not the next day, nor the day after. I'm afraid to ask, not wanting to upset him so soon after his return. As the hours and days tick by it seems more and more ridiculous for me to ask since it would appear he's handling everything fine without talking.

Juni comes calling in the wee hours of the morning a few days later. One of the merchant women in town is having a breech birth and the midwife asked us to come and assist.

"It's going to be a long and loud birth but it will be good experience for you," Juni explains as we walk through the misty morning. The tiny beads of water seem to freeze on my skin and I'm chilled to the bone before we ever reach town.

"I don't do much birthing anymore. The midwives can handle well enough on their own as long as it's not complicated," Juni turns and fixes me with a toothy grin, just barely visible in the moonlight, "Fine with me too. Messy business, birthing babies is. I'd rather stick to mangled limbs."

I laugh at her admission, though an hour later I can understand where she's coming from. The mother is screeching at the top of her lungs and the baby has hardly descended at all after what seems like an eternity of work.

"Reach up in there girl," Juni orders and my eyes go wide, "You need to get the other leg down otherwise we'll be here all day."

"Juni, I can't." I tell her, stunned even as the midwife pushes me into position between the laboring mother's legs.

"Yes you can dear. I'll talk you through it," Juni assures me with a calmness of nerves that should not be possible with all this screaming.

Juni is true to her words however, though it's not simple work maneuvering the second leg down into position. The deed is accomplished with much sweating and perfectly timed maneuvering. The effect is nearly instantaneous. The mother still screams horrifically with each contraction but the baby is descending now with every push.

"There you go," Juni murmurs to no one specifically, brushing back the woman's hair.

By the time the baby finally arrives, the day has already broken, sun rising up in the sky above the mist, burning away the chill of night. I collapse shakily into a chair, exhausted and horrified by the prospect of ever going through that myself.

Juni chances a tired smile, "Just imagine how the mother must feel."

I chuckle, "Women must be out of their minds to do this."

Juni nods with a chuckle. Never having given birth herself, I can now understand why she would have shied from the task. Of course, she had never married either which may have changed things significantly if she had. It's a rare couple in District 7 that doesn't have a child or two at least.

Once we get everything cleaned up, the midwife calls the father up to the room. He's pale as the sheet his wife rests on with dark circles under his eyes and smelling a bit like liquor. He's a big, strong man but he melts the second he sees her and his newborn son resting, both alive and well, in bed.

"The midwife will take things from here," Juni whispers into my ear as she guides me toward the door.

Once we're outside I take a deep breath of the cool crisp air, brushing a few loose hairs back from my face.

"You look a fright, child," Juni informs me with a chuckle.

I laugh in return, knowing full well she's right, "Is it always that gruesome?"

"I told you birthing babies is a messy business," She places her hands on her hips, "And no. Sometimes it's better and I've seen worse too. You did well though for your first time, it being breech and all."

I arch my eyebrows. It doesn't feel like I've done all that well. I was terrified the entire time and now I'm completely drained of energy.

"Today's bound to be slow; just a few check-ups on patients you've already seen," Juni gives me a knowing glance, "Why don't you take the day off? Take a nap and relax."

"You don't need to do that, Juni-" I start but she cuts me off.

"I'm your boss, Camellia, and you'll do as I say," She orders but there's a twinkle in her eye that takes any threat out of the words.

I smile, "Fine. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Bright and early." Juni waves as she heads off towards the butcher's house. He's been suffering from a boil for several weeks that Juni removed two days ago.

I look to the sun and know that by this time Ash and Holly will be in school already. The prospect of walking all the way out to my own house is daunting. My legs drag like lead although I've just about resigned myself to the task when I happen to glance at the Victor's Village. Rowan never locks the back door to his house and I figure he wouldn't mind my napping there for a few hours.

The house is dim and silent when I enter and I know Rowan must be out with Cypress doing some job or another. It only takes moments for me to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. It brings restless dreams though. In them, I'm heavy with child, in the middle of an old wood. Knotted, ancient oak roots creep across the soft forest floor. As I walk, the soft ground seems to curl around my toes, like walking on pillows.

"Camellia." It's Rowan's voice, not worried or hurt. He's simply searching for me.

"Rowan?" I call back but I don't see him. He doesn't step out from behind one of the trees to reveal himself. "Where are you?"

"Right here," He whispers, "Always right here."

I turn in a circle but still don't see him. A warm breeze rushes through the trees, sending leaves skittering around my ankles. A strange pressure ripples through my belly and my hands immediately rub over the taut skin. Another pressure, quick and strong, presses back against my right hand and a gasp escapes me.

"Rowan, come here," I say softly, whispering lest I scare the tiny thing inside of me, "The baby is kicking. Come, feel it."

"I can't," Rowan's voice replies this time sounding sadder than before, "I can't."

I frown, "Why not?"

"I'll hurt it," his voice is distant, fading in the rustling leaves, "I have to go."

"No, wait, Rowan," I shout, looking about frantically for any hint of a retreating form but there is none. The forest stills and everything is silent. I'm alone. A chill runs through me. I'm alone in this beautifully perfect place; so completely alone.

I wake with a heavy, aching feeling in my chest. I look around, confused about where I am for a moment until I remember I'm at Rowan's house. Rowan. That was such a strange dream in so many ways. I wish I knew where he was right now so I could put my arms around him and assure myself that he's still here.

There's no use in trying to go back to sleep and I've already slept into the afternoon anyway so I slip out of bed and wander downstairs. I grab a glass of water and wander around the lower level of the house while I drink it. As I make my way toward the living room, the doorway to Rowan's study catches my eye. It's open for once, which is extremely rare. I've only glanced into the room a handful of times when the mail comes and Rowan needs to take care of bills.

As I walk in now, I'm amazed by the amount of books covering the shelves that line all the walls of the room. A large mahogany desk sits directly across from the door and an overstuffed sofa is against the one window in the room. My eyes skim the gilded titles on the books as I walk by them, breathing in the dusty scent of their pages.

It's not until I'm standing behind the desk that I notice a book open on it's surface. I cross the short distance and look down at the open pages. There is a picture on each page, both black and white on the slightly yellowed paper. The first is a picture of a much younger Rowan with an older woman who must have been his mother, and his father, with a few wrinkles less than the man I've met. The young boy is smiling in a way that lights him up from inside, reaching back to hold his father's hand. Clearly this Rowan hasn't been in the Games yet. He's still innocent and happy in a way that the Rowan I know can never be.

The second picture is of Rowan, near the same age, with a little girl who looks remarkably like him. They have the same eyes though this girl seems to have dark brown hair like their mother. She's smiling brightly at the camera but Rowan appears to be unaware of anyone watching them as he looks fondly down at the little girl next to him. She must be Cherry. He's never told me what she looks like but the way he's looking at her in the picture, it could only be the love of a brother.

I wasn't aware that Rowan even had pictures of his sister let alone an album. I turn page after page, revealing dozens of pictures of him with his little sister. Some are posed, each child grinning at the camera, but others are candid; Cherry serving pretend tea to Rowan in acorn caps and Rowan pointing where best to cut a tree.

I'm so absorbed in the pictures and the stories they tell me that I don't hear the back door open. I don't hear the soft, slow steps as they walk down the hallway. I don't even notice the shadow fall across the pages I'm staring at.

"What are you doing?" Rowan's voice, dangerous and soft, pulls me from my trance.

I gaze up at him wide eyed, caught red handed, my right hand still holding a page to turn. I drop the page as though it's suddenly caught fire and burnt my fingers, "I- I came here to sleep after- I found-" I stutter incoherently as I watch a storm of emotion rage in his eyes.

"Why are you looking at these?" He demands, yanking the book out from under my hands, tearing the corner of a page in the process, before slamming the cover shut.

"It was sitting here. I was just looking around- I've never been in this room- I'm sorry." I stumble over my thoughts frantically as his face darkens with each word. I've crossed an invisible line I wasn't aware of by looking at this picture album.

"There's a reason you haven't been in here. There's a reason I keep this book in here. It's put away for a _reason_, Camellia. These pictures are not to be looked at." His voice is low and even but that frightens me even more than if he would just yell at me. "I thought you agreed to stay out of things that don't belong to you."

It's a rhetorical question, I know. He doesn't want to hear my reasoning but I'm not ready to sit silently by while he fumes at me.

"I didn't mean to pry!" I argue, "The door was open and the book was out, Rowan. Why is it a big deal that I saw them? I knew you had a sister-"

"Because these are mine!" He shouts, cheeks flushing red as he gathers the old book to his chest protectively. His eyes are wild, as though something has snapped inside of him. I'm not even sure he knows exactly where he is right now, "They aren't anyone else's!"

"They could be if you would just open up to me about this." I say softly, trying to calm him down from the frenzy he's in. It doesn't appear to work however since he starts pacing the room still holding the book with one arm as he wrenches his free hand through his hair. I stand and move towards him, extending a hand to pull him to me.

He jumps away from my reach and turns his gaze on me. His eyes, so cold that they burn, seem to bore holes right through me, his fury evident, "Get out." He threatens lowly.

My eyes widen as my jaw drops, "No." I refuse, anger now boiling in my own blood. I didn't mean to upset him and he knows it. Right now he's just not fully aware of it. Something deeper is happening to him. "I want you to talk to me."

"I don't want to talk. Get. Out," his words are just below a shout, the t's biting as he says them.

I realize my hands are shaking; my entire body is actually. The look on his face, I've only seen once before and it looks completely foreign on him, a fire burning inside of him, uncontrollable. I'm furious, fire coursing through my own veins, but my stomach knots in on itself in fear. He takes a step toward me; his face only a few inches from my own and I back into the desk, leaning as far away from him as I can.

I look directly into his eyes and to my own horror I can't find the man I love there. Rowan has gone. This person in front of me, this is someone else entirely. A monster with such rage and hurt that it can't be contained.

"Rowan." I whisper, hoping this might remind him who he is, might bring him back to me.

His eyes flicker across my face for a brief second before the same hard gaze returns. He doesn't say a word though, turning sharply instead and pounding a fist through the glass window beside us.

My hands fly up over my head instantly at the shattering sound of glass, an old reaction so deeply embedded in my self-preservation instinct that I didn't even have to think about it. My muscles tighten of their own accord, waiting for the next blow to land on me as it always has.

Instead, Rowan lets out a haunted cry before I hear his steps pound away from me and the door to the house slam shut. I jump at the sharp sound but realize that he's gone. There are bits of glass scattered across the carpet, glistening in the dying afternoon light. Several drops of blood trail out the door and into the hallway. I let out a shaky breath and stand on wobbly knees. I've never been so afraid of Rowan before and now he's gone- to where I have no clue.

I stay only long enough to clean up the broken glass and blood from the floor. By the time I slip out of the house, the sun is already well on it's descending voyage in the sky. My mind is numb as I journey out to the woods where Ash and Holly are in the yard playing tag. I smile and call out my hellos before starting dinner as if nothing has happened. Only my hands betray how shaken I am, trembling as I go about my tasks.

"Where's Rowan?" Ash asks once we've all settled down to dinner an hour later.

"I don't know," I say, trying my best to sound unperturbed by this fact. When I look up though, Ash is watching me with a frown. He waits until after dinner before he brings the subject up again.

After Holly has chattered on about this dress or that game of hopscotch, I send her upstairs to ready for bed and do what is left of her homework. Ash stays behind to help with dishes and we do so silently for a long while before he speaks up.

"Is everything okay?" He murmurs, taking the bowl I'm holding out for him to dry.

"Of course it is." I assure him but my voice sounds breathy even to my own ears.

"You seemed upset after you got home today," He points out, setting the dish aside and turning to face me. He looks more like he's twenty-two than twelve. "You still do. Your hands are still shaking."

"It's nothing you need to worry about, Ash, okay?" I smile weakly, trying to convince him.

"I might be able to help if you'd talk to me about it." He offers.

"Thanks. I'll let you know if I need to." I say in a tone that closes the conversation. Ash nods and turns back to dry a pan. I stare down at his brown curls for a moment and realize the irony.

Whatever had happened this afternoon, Rowan hadn't wanted to share information with me and now I've done exactly the same thing. Of course, I hadn't put my fist through a windowpane either but still a tiny voice nags at the back of my mind. It can't possibly be healthy to keep all this responsibility to myself without any help. But I can't burden my little brother with my trouble either. He's already been forced to grow up so fast.

I don't sleep well that night, waiting up until after the moon has set for Rowan to come home. His dark form never graces the doorway though. I get an hour or two's restless sleep before I get up and usher Ash and Holly off to school. I follow behind them only a few minutes later and head for the Victor's Village. Rowan's house is still as dark and empty as yesterday morning however. He's not here and, by the look of it, he never came home last night.

My gut twists uncomfortably as I make my way out to Juni's house, a short walk, but still long enough for me to begin to feel ill. Where could he possibly be if he wasn't with me and he wasn't in his own house? Did he get hurt? Is he out in the woods stuck somewhere? My mind races with each step but there's nothing I can do right now to settle myself.

"You look like you've just seen a ghost, child," Juni says as I make my way up the path to her front door. She'd been sitting on her porch waiting for my arrival. "Are you feeling well?"

"I'll be okay, Juni," I assure her, "I just need to get to work and keep my mind busy. It's one of those days."

She gives a disgruntled frown, "Drowning your troubles in work already? A bit young for that."

"I feel quite a bit older than I actually am today." I mumble and she pretends not to hear me as we head off to our first visit of the day.

After changing several bloodied dressings, resetting a broken arm, and doling out plenty of cough syrup later, the day's work is over. Juni collapses into the chair on her porch, sitting in a less than ladylike manner.

"Croup is running rampant this year." She states factually, eyeing me suspiciously. "You going to tell me what's been eating you all day, dear, or are you going to make me guess?"

I snap to attention at her tone, realizing that I'd been lost in my thoughts about where Rowan might have gotten. I shrug but take a seat on the stairs below her.

"Rowan and I had an argument yesterday. He was angrier than I've ever seen him." I confess.

"Oh, child, it's bound to happen now an again. He'll come around." Juni soothes.

"He ran off. He's been missing since yesterday afternoon, Juni." I say, wrapping my arms tightly around myself, "He didn't look like himself. He- he was furious. He punched a window before he ran off. I've been worried sick."

Juni frowns, "What do you mean he didn't look like himself?"

I shrug, "I don't know. He was so mad. I was- Juni, I didn't mean to be. I know he wouldn't hurt me but for a few minutes I was scared of him."

"Sounds to me like something more than just you upsetting him." Juni mulls, a hand brushing over her chin, "Sometimes Victors have these- sort of- flashes. It's like they're partly stuck back in the arena. Something triggers them usually and they flip into their survival mindset again. Rowan's never been one to suffer from them but he's also rarely been sober for long enough to relive the horrible things that have happened to him."

"You think that he was out of his mind?" I ask fearfully. I'm horrified to think Rowan might be alone somewhere insane with fear.

"No. No, I don't think he was but he did just get home from the Capitol. Did something happen there? Something that might have stressed him so he'd overreact?" The older woman asks, lost in thought herself.

"I don't know," I admit. "He didn't want to talk about it."

"Well," Juni says, letting out a deep sigh, "The best thing you can do is go home and wait it out. He'll come around, dear, I'm sure of that. If I hear anything about his whereabouts I'll let you know."

I return home that night and do my best to hide my nerves. I catch Ash staring at me cautiously from time to time but he doesn't bring up the lack of Rowan's presence again tonight. I try to sleep but it's useless. I give up and make some tea to pass the dark hours.

Juni gives me an appraising look in the morning and frowns, "Did you sleep at all, Camellia?"

"I tried." I say with a shrug.

"You look like a good wind would blow you over." She remarks but we head off in the direction of the baker's house. One of his sons had foolishly pulled an entire tray of cookies out of the oven with his bare hands and received some very nasty burns that we've been seeing to.

"It probably could." I admit, "I couldn't sleep. What if he's out in the woods hurt somewhere?" I muse and Juni gives me a pitying glance.

"Oh I doubt that. I'd be much more willing to bet he's out somewhere around the lumberyards drunker than he's ever been. He's been better about the drinking but it sounds like the other day really set him off." The old woman says, knocking on the door to the house as she does.

I frown as my stomach churns. I drove him to drink and now I have not only the worry of where he might be eating away at me but also the guilt that I made him relapse with my stupid curiosity.

"Don't fret, Camellia." Juni orders firmly in her most matronly tone, "He's just as much to blame as you are though I'm not sure there's really reason to blame under the circumstances."

"Easy for you to say." I mumble and she gives me a sharp look. I shrug; she doesn't really understand what happened that day. She doesn't understand that I violated the delicate peace treaty between us from before his trip to the Capitol that I wouldn't invade his privacy. But he broke his promises too, first by not talking with me and then by disappearing for two days. I let out a heavy sigh just as the baker's wife answers the door and ushers us to her son's room.

I'm dead on my feet by the time I return home that night but by the time I am ready for bed, my exhaustion proves elusive and I can't sleep. I toss and turn for a few hours before giving up and making more tea as my new nightly ritual demands.

It's the still the very early morning hours when Rowan walks through the door, looking slightly worse for wear but very much alive. A wave of relief washes over me as I take in his appearance. His hair is dirty and disheveled, his right hand still streaked with dried blood but at least he's still alive. Normally my instinct would be to throw my arms around him, to keep him close so he can't run away again. But something wakes up inside of me and threatens to boil over. My hands start shaking and I'm not sure what I'm feeling until the words are out of my mouth.

"Why are you here?" I ask flatly.

"Camellia," He says softly, crossing the room to me, "I'm sorry." He reaches to wrap his arms around me but I step away.

It's anger. So much anger is what I feel towards him right now. Words can't describe how glad I am that he's alive but I'm furious with him for his disappearing act of the last two days. The two conflicting emotions meet inside of me like a strong summer storm. He falters at my rejection and frowns, allowing his hands to fall to his sides.

"Go." I whisper, taking another step away from him.

"Camellia, I'm sorry. I was-"

"You left!" I shout, cutting him short.

He looks shocked for a moment then glares at me, "I was angry!"

"Why?" I demand loudly, facing off with him fiercely. In school, we once watched a video of two alpha wolves facing off over territory. It had been intended to scare us from trying to jump the fence but right now I imagine we look much like those two wolves, both bristling and poised for battle.

He wrenches a hand roughly through his hair. His shoulders are tense and I wait for his answer, "I don't know what happened! It was like something snapped. I've been off since I came home and- and- I've never been so angry with anyone before. I didn't want you in that room. I just- I needed control and seeing you in there- I can't explain it. I could hardly see straight I was so angry. I didn't want to hurt you so I left."

He turns on me but the tension seems to have drained out of him with his short speech. His face appears pale and as confused as I feel, like he doesn't understand anything that has happened over the last few days or how we got to this place.

I take a shaky breath and start in a quieter tone, "You promised me you wouldn't ever just disappear like that. You promised that you wouldn't just leave. Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"Probably about as worried as I was that I might hurt you." He says giving a wry smile that is replaced momentarily with fear. I don't smile back at him though.

"I knew you wouldn't hurt me, Rowan." I murmur, wanting to assure him of this fact even if I am angry with him. It's such a soft spot with him. He's still so sure that he's a monster and I'm certain he's not despite his horrific display the other day. Juni was right; there is something else going on here.

"Is that why you tried to duck and protect yourself?" He asks cynically, raising an eyebrow.

I shake my head, "That had nothing to do with you."

"You were afraid of me."

"I was afraid of what you were doing. There's a difference, Rowan." I say softly looking down at my shaking hands, "And then you just left without any explanation. That scared me more."

When I look up, he's staring at me, clearly in thought. I let out a deep breath and gather up my courage so I can say what I need to and still look him in the eye.

"I tell you that I love you and a few days later you run off to who knows where without so much as a word. I can't love someone who's going to run away anytime something goes wrong."

He opens his mouth to speak but I hold up a hand and continue, "I love you, Rowan, but I need to know that this was a one time thing. I need to know that next time you'll talk to me and I need to know that you're going to tell me what the hell happened to make you so upset that day. I know it couldn't possibly have just been the pictures."

He stares at me for a moment, contemplating in silence. Then he steps forward hesitantly.

"Okay." He says simply, crossing the space between us and gathering me into his arms gently, as if I were made of glass.

"Okay, what?" I demand, wanting his word that this wouldn't happen again or at least we'd do our best to prevent it. My resolve to be angry with him is ebbing away with each second I'm in his arms and I know I need this now or else I'll let it all go and nothing will be solved.

"Okay, I'll talk with you about it. Okay, I'll never run off like that again." He murmurs, burying his face against my neck and muffling his last words, "I love you, Camellia. I don't ever want to lose you."

I relax into his embrace finally and bury my face in his shirt, "I love you too, Rowan, damn you." The words are muffled by the fabric but he must understand them as a low chuckle vibrates in his chest.

"Do you want me to talk tonight then?" He asks, taking me by the shoulders and pulling me away so he can look me in the eyes.

I nod and he grimaces but nods as well, clearly wishing I would have said we could wait until tomorrow. I pour him some tea and clean up his bloodied hand before we settle down on the couch, each facing each other, our legs in a tangle on the cushions, the no man's land between us.

At first I have to probe him for any tiny piece of the story, but eventually he seems to lose himself. His eyes glaze over but one of his hands finds my own and clings tightly as though he fears he might get lost in the memories and never find his way back out.

They use his body like they did mine, though Snow himself controls it all rather than any agent. They do it to all of the young, desirable victors. He's not as bad off as poor Finnick, he says, who is constantly ordered to the Capitol for one party or another.

He has "usuals" like I always did though they tend to be the most elite members of the Capitol. They're mostly women although sometimes men pay for him too. They use him as they like and although they're typically gentle with him some tend to be rougher than others about it.

"They don't hurt me like they did you though." He murmurs as an aside, reaching up to brush the scar that runs along my forearm, a stark reminder of just how horrible it can be to submit to other's pleasures.

"It was bad this time." He says running his free hand roughly through his hair as though trying to pull the memories from his head permanently. Apparently Snow had him booked the entire time he was there during this trip. Normally he's only scheduled for a few days.

He had immediately gone on a binge after he punched the window and left the house. When he came to yesterday morning, he had gone to visit Colton Wainwright, one of the old Victors of seven. He won the Games before I was ever born and he twitches nervously all the time. Rowan had spent the entire day nursing a wicked hangover and speaking with the older man.

"When I'm there, in the Capitol, I have no say at all. And I hate it. I hate it more than I could ever explain to you. That's why I used to drink when I got back, to drown out the feelings of it. The past few times I've come back I've been- well- Colton used the word neurotic. I don't know if that's the technical term for it but I want to control everything. That hasn't been a problem before now because there wasn't anyone around to screw it up-"

"Then in walks me." I whisper, understanding starting to take root.

He smiles tightly, "Then in walks you." He agrees, squeezing my hand lightly. "You didn't do anything wrong. Well, you were nosing around in my things again, but it wasn't intentional and I did leave the door open. I know you didn't warrant an attack-"

"It wasn't an attack." I interrupt immediately at the word. "You were mad but I knew you weren't going to hurt me."

He gives me a skeptical glance but decides not to argue his case, "When I saw you sitting there looking at those pictures- you have to understand, I've never shown them to anyone before- I lost it. You took that control away from me, no matter how unknowing, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I'm sorry."

After he's done he lets out a deep sigh and his head sags. His face is full of sorrow and a nasty bitterness but he tugs gently on my hand that he's never let go of, pulling me to his chest to bury his face in my hair. I curl into him and will some of his pain to become my own. I know he's just taken a huge leap. He's given me his story, the only peace offering that he knew would be able to heal the cracks his disappearing made in our relationship.

After a long while of sitting like this in silence, I lift my head up just enough so I can see his jaw line. His gaze is unfocused, looking off at the wall across the room. I press my lips to the corner of his jaw before curling back up comfortably against him.

"I still love you, Rowan." I whisper and his arms tighten slightly around me, "I always will."

His chest starts to shake under me ever so slightly. If we weren't so tangled up in one another, I probably wouldn't be able to feel it. I'm not sure whether he's trembling or crying until I hear a quiet sniffle from above my head.

I move my hand to rest over the spot where I can feel his heart beating through his chest.

"I promise. I always will." I whisper.

The shaking settles down after a moment and he stands to lead me wordlessly upstairs. Once we're settled into bed, curled up around each other again, he finally speaks.

"I love you too, my dearest Camellia." He murmurs, "I won't do that to you again."

Though he doesn't say so and there's no handshake signifying it, I know it's a promise; just as I had promised him. For the first night in days, I sleep soundly with strong arms wrapped around me to fight off all the bad dreams.

**AN:** I hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week or two. Feel free to leave reviews. They're like candy in my email!


	35. Chapter 35- Sharing Secrets

**AN:** Sorry for the long wait on this! I've started writing an everlark historical AU that I've been obsessively working on and things have also been busy in real life. I'm currently job-hunting so postings may be a bit erratic. I will be aiming to do a chapter every other week. Don't worry I promise I will not abandon this story. I want to see Camellia to the very end of her story.

Thanks as always for all the love whether it be in the form of favorites, follows, or reviews!

_Part 35- Sharing Secrets_

I walk through the door and freeze at the dark silence that greets me. I stayed with Juni late tonight, helping her to make several tinctures that we would need tomorrow. Normally Ash and Holly wait up if it isn't too late but they're nowhere to be found at the moment.

"Hello?" I call out as I hang up my coat next to the door.

"SURPRISE!"

I scream and jump nearly high enough to hit my head on the ceiling as I back up against the wall. When I finally gather my nerves and realize no one is going to attack me, I look around and see Cypress and Holly standing in the corner, having jumped out from a small closet there. Laurel and Cee are there, watching me with happy faces as they hold hands. Maggie is standing next to Juni who somehow managed to beat me back to the house even though I came straight here from her home. And finally Ash and Rowan, farthest in back, stand behind the counter with matching mischievous grins on their faces.

"Happy birthday, Camellia." Laurel calls as she makes her way over to wrap me in a warm hug. I haven't seen enough of her really since the wedding. She's been busy adjusting to married life and I've been learning the ropes with Juni. Somehow time has gotten away from us.

I look around in awe at all the people around me, "I thought everyone had forgotten." I admit. I hadn't bothered mentioning my birthday and no one inquired about it so I figured I would just spend a quiet evening relaxing. Apparently, they all had other plans.

"We knew you would be busy with work all day and tired once you came home so we thought it might be nice just to have dinner with everyone here." Rowan explains, a contented grin on his face.

"You all are wonderful." I say with a laugh.

"Maggie and I cooked!" Holly informs me proudly and the old woman nods her confirmation.

"Well then I'm sure it will be the best meal I've ever eaten." I assure her and with that we all settle down at the table and around the room, taking seats wherever we can find them.

I look around in the middle of the meal and realize that everyone is smiling or laughing or telling stories. It's almost as though there couldn't possibly be anything bad in the world. For this one moment, everyone is safe and content and happy. Rowan glances up and catches me staring around the room. He smiles knowingly and reaches to take my hand under the table, his thumb running along mine.

"Twenty-one." He murmurs quietly enough that no one notices our conversation as they continue their stories, "Feel any different than twenty?"

"Surprisingly, yes." I reply. He nods for me to continue, "I'm home with everyone I love. I couldn't have imagined this last year."

He smiles softly and squeezes my hand in his.

"Now the cake!" Ash cheers happily, noticing that everyone has finished eating. "I went and picked it up from the baker today. This one is chocolate."

The joy on my little brother's face is undeniable. The boy clearly loves this newfound treat and I shake my head as I laugh at him. By the time every last bit of frosting has been eaten up, the night is getting late and everyone has to return home so they're not exhausted for work tomorrow.

After Laurel and Cee, the last visitors to leave, close the door behind them, I collapse into a blissful heap on the couch, closing my eyes and resting my head against the soft cushions. There's a warm glow inside of me after the evening and I just want to take a moment to enjoy it.

"Did you enjoy dinner?" Rowan questions from his place, standing beside me.

"Hmm." I hum not bothering to open my eyes.

"Hmm." He copies as the cushions beside me sink beneath his weight. His hands find my face and guide my lips to his. Wings flutter against my stomach at his touch and I'm sure that I'm about to float away into a million pieces. I'm so happy and content I don't know how it could all possibly stay inside.

I part my lips for him and his tongue slips gently against mine, exploring and lighting a flame deep in my belly. I sigh and melt against him, feeling his lips curl into a smile as I do.

"Eww! Gross." Ash groans as he walks into the room and catches sight of the two of us. "I don't want to see that!"

Rowan breaks away from me, laughing breathlessly, his face flushed red. He puts a hand out to mess Ash's curls, "Then don't look, little man. It's your sister's birthday and I'm giving her her present."

I chuckle as Ash's face flames bright red and he looks anywhere but the couch where Rowan's arms are still around me. I decide to come to his rescue, after all he's never really seen Rowan and I together except for the night he found us in bed. That probably traumatized the poor kid enough as it is.

"Sorry, Ash." I apologize and pull Rowan's arms from around me, placing his hands back to his side much to his chagrin. "What did you need?"

His face is still red as he looks up at me, "I- I just- Holly and I had a present to give you. We-can-do-it-tomorrow-though!" He rushes the last sentence, making it into a single word.

I hold back my laughter and shake my head, "No, you don't have to wait. I can open it now."

"Well," Ash says with a nod and a hint of a smile, "It's not really wrapped. It's back in the laundry room."

I frown, wondering if they got me a new washbasin. Not the best birthday present in the world, but useful I suppose. I stand despite a grumble or two from Rowan and follow Ash back to the laundry room where Holly is already waiting with a huge grin on her face.

"Happy birthday!" They both say in unison as my eyes land on a beautiful oak rocking chair.

"How could you afford this?" I question in awe as I run a hand over the glossy wood.

"We built it!" Holly informs me, "Sit in it!"

"Cypress helped with the plans and some of the cutting but I put it all together and sanded it and finished it." Ash says, trying his best to sound nonchalant but I can tell he's pleased by my shock, "Holly mostly just brought me water and supervised."

"Hey!" Holly argues, "I helped. I stained it too!"

"I'm sure you both worked hard on it." I assure them, reaching out to gather them both in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you both. Thank you. It is a very thoughtful gift."

Pride radiates off of my two younger siblings and we all take turns rocking in the chair. Rowan praises the craftsmanship as he rocks smoothly during his turn. Ash's grin is so big I think it might just be stuck there permanently.

By the time I finally get both of them to go to bed, it's late and the day is finally starting to catch up with me. I yawn and Rowan smiles softly.

"Just one more thing before bed." He tells me and stands, "Wait here. I'll bring it to you."

I do as he says and a moment later he comes back with a fine black box. It's not big and quite thin but it has a brass clasp on it that I unlock before revealing what's inside. Settled into red velvet is a stethoscope, much nicer than Juni's old battered one. It gleams brightly in the light, beckoning to be used.

"Rowan." I murmur, brushing a hand over the lovely thing.

"I thought that you could really use your own now that you're starting to work some on your own." He tells me, circling his arms around my waist and settling his chin on my shoulder so his lips brush my ear as he speaks.

"How did you get this?" I ask, lifting the stethoscope from its bed.

"I sent to the Capitol for it. That's the only place you can find them." He murmurs, pulling me against him so no air can fit between his chest and my back.

I smile and wiggle in his grasp, ignoring the little hiss he gives before releasing me so I can turn to face him. I put the earpieces in and grin up at him with a questioning look. He rolls his eyes but smiles in amusement before lifting his shirt over his head and balling it up in his hand.

I place the cool metal against his skin where I know from experience his heartbeat can be heard the best. He inhales sharply at the contact but doesn't jump away and my grin grows wider if it is even possible. I close my eyes and listen to the firm, unfailing lub-dub of his heartbeat, letting my forehead rest against him just under his throat.

"This is one of my favorite sounds in the world." I whisper, the sound of my voice muffled by the stethoscope.

"What a heartbeat?" He questions, his voice loud and rumbling as most of what I hear comes directly from his chest through the earpieces.

I laugh as I open my eyes and look up at him and see his confusion, "No, not all heartbeats but your heartbeat is."

The look he gives me sends my own heartbeat racing but I know from the stethoscope still pressed against his chest that his quickly speeds up to match my own. He takes the earpieces out and pulls the shiny object from my hands, setting it on the chair behind us before his arms find their way around me, pulling me tightly to him. I only have a moment to see his face before his lips claim mine and what I see there lights the same flame from earlier except this time it starts burning out of control, threatening to make me burst into a million pieces.

This kiss is not nearly so tame as the one Ash walked in on earlier, it's quick and urgent and I wonder if Rowan must be feeling exactly the same as me because I only want so desperately to be closer as I press myself to him. We stumble a few steps until my back is against the wall, scratching against the wood there, making me aware of how alive my skin is. A moan escapes from my throat and it only seems to urge Rowan on as he deepens the kiss pressing himself more firmly against me. My hands tangle into his hair and for a moment I think I might be hurting him because he groans as though he might be in pain but he doesn't pull away and I don't stop.

Suddenly his lips leave mine and travel down my neck, hot and wet against my skin. I whimper pathetically, missing the feel of them on my own for a moment until they find that spot on my collarbone just as they did the night he first returned, eliciting an even stronger moan as my hands hold his head there and I bury my face against his shoulder.

My reaction to him seems to spark something in him and he pulls my legs up, wordlessly wraping them around his waist before lifting me from the wall though I was sure I must have been permanently melted to it. The fire in me must certainly be melting me away until there will be nothing left because no body can withstand the heat that is raging inside of me.

Stumbling, clumsily he makes his way upstairs, his lips never leaving my collarbone. I'm sure there will be a mark there in the morning but right now I can't be bothered to care. I don't know how he finds his way blindly to my room but, all at once, we're falling together against the soft mattress and his hands are fumbling against the buttons of my shirt. My body is straining towards him, desperate to be closer, closer, closer.

His lips leave my collarbone and he's gasping for air and he slides the shirt open. A look akin to pain crosses his face when he looks at me for a long moment. I reach up to cover the scars but he shoots me a look that freezes me. Awe overtakes the pained look after that.

"You are so perfect- so beautiful." He whispers breathlessly before lowering himself to leave trails of wet, hot kisses along my belly and the ridges of scar tissue that form there, sending shots of electricity rushing through me. He reaches a hand beneath me to undo the clasp of my bra, his lips breaking from their work for a moment and his eyes meet mine.

"I love you." He says, his voice husky as he pants for air.

"I know." I whisper just as the clasp comes undone and he pulls my bra away. He makes a noise that I can only describe as a growl and before I can make any remark his lips find one of my breasts, sucking and kissing as his hand works gently against the other.

My back arches against him without my permission and I let out a cry that I've never heard from my lips before. It's so much. It's too much. Tears well in my eyes at the pleasure and my mind finds only one thought to hold onto.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

It repeats over and over as he nips and licks and tugs, working magic that I hadn't imagined was possible. I'm sure I'm being too loud, feeble mewling noises coming from my lips, which are no longer under my control. My nails scratch against his skin and my legs find their way around his waist again, pulling him closer to me. I can't get close enough to him. His teeth bite gently and I arch against him again. As I do, his lips leave my chest and are suddenly at my lips again. He presses down over me, all heat and breath and adoration.

The fire inside of me is out of control and my mind is still running like a broken record. I've never felt this. It's too much pleasure to withstand. Surely, I'll die after this. No one can feel like this and live to talk about it. I don't realize I'm crying until Rowan pulls away with a look of horror.

"Camellia, what's wrong?" He asks and I shake my head, unable to speak or too explain to him what is going on in my mind.

"Did I hurt you?" He looks over my body for a source that might have led to the tears streaming down my face now.

"No." I choke out, "No, Rowan, no. You were perfect, so perfect." I murmur trying to find the words.

He frowns, worry still set firmly in the creases of his brow as he brushes at my tears with the heel of his hand.

"I'm sorry." I apologize, disappointment permeating the two simple words.

"Don't say that." He whispers, leaning into me to brush a kiss on my forehead. "I threw it at you too suddenly. I wasn't really expecting for it to get so far so fast. I just get carried away with you sometimes."

His hand brushes over my hair but I hardly feel it because I'm so distracted by the firmness between his thighs that is now pressed against my hip since he shifted to kiss me. I can't go any further tonight, not now that I had to ruin the mood with my crying, but I can't just selfishly ignore him either.

"I can…" I whisper, nervously as I glance down at his waist, "if you want. I don't mind." I actually do mind. I know it will bring back memories I'd rather not think about tonight because, really, it's been so perfect until five minutes ago.

His gaze follows mine and he shifts away quickly, "Oh." He glances quickly between me and the crotch of his pants several times, the tips of his ears turning pink when he realizes his situation.

"Sorry. No. I can- you don't-" He stutters, his ears only getting redder with each attempt at speaking, "Just give me a few minutes." He manages, quickly planting a kiss against my cheek before hurrying out of the room before I can try to stop him.

I nearly laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Despite the sudden tears, I do feel a small flicker of pride. We had gotten closer this time before I had my breakdown and evidently he had found it just as enjoyable as I had, though I had hardly done anything to specifically try to please him.

Rowan treads silently back into the room several minutes later with a sheepish smile.

"Better?" I ask, trying not to chuckle at the way his cheeks flush just a bit.

"Much." He murmurs with a silly smile.

There's a subtle awkwardness between us now, though I'm not really sure why. It's not as though either of us should be shy about what we've done. We've both done it hundreds of times before with other people that we don't care about, but perhaps that's the problem after all. I've never come so close to sleeping with someone that I actually have feelings for and I'm guessing from his reaction he feels the same way.

"I really am sorry." I repeat, "I don't know what came over me. I just… lost it."

Rowan smiles reassuringly, lying down beside me and gathering me into his arms, the awkwardness ebbing away as we settle together again, "It's alright, Camellia. We'll get there when it's right. There's no need to rush it."

"I still feel ridiculous." I mutter against his chest, letting my fingers trail through the sparse, fine hairs that curl there. "I love you. I should be able to-" He cuts me off before I can even finish the thought.

"You will. Eventually, when the time is right, you will." He says confidently, "You've been through a lot and it really hasn't been that long for you to sort it all out when you think about it.

"So long as you're not planning on running off and leaving me before hand, we'll just let it happen in its own time." He pokes me in the side playfully, "But if you don't plan on sticking around…"

I laugh, "You know I'm not going anywhere, Rowan."

"Mmm." He hums as he buries his nose in my hair and takes a deep breath before murmuring, "And why is that?"

"Because," I whisper.

"Because you love me?" I can feel his lips smiling against the side of my head.

"Because I love you." I repeat, kissing his shoulder sweetly.

"Good." He says, pulling back to look at me, a boyish grin plastered on his face, "Because I love you too."

"It's late." I chuckle when he continues to stare at me with that ridiculous smile that makes my heart leap contentedly.

"It is." He agrees, still staring.

I roll my eyes and throw a hand over his face, "Stop it. I need to sleep otherwise I'll be dead on my feet at work tomorrow."

He shakes his head to throw my hand off of it, "Okay." He agrees but doesn't settle onto his back or close his eyes.

"Well?" I question, shooting him a pointed glare.

"Well what? You go to sleep."

"What about you?"

"I'll just watch you for a few more minutes." He assures me with a grin.

I laugh and push him, "Go away. I don't want you watching me as I drool in my sleep."

"I'm sure it would be adorable." He chuckles, "But if you insist, I'll go to sleep."

"Good." I say petulantly, though I still curl up with him.

"Camellia?" He whispers after only a few moments of silence.

"What?" I demand in mock irritation though I think it still sounds rather convincing.

"I still love you."

I turn to press a kiss to his chest where my head rests against him.

"I know."

"Good."

…

"Did either of you hear an animal last night? It sounded like there was a cat or something close to the house, crying." Ash says the next morning over breakfast before he leaves for school.

Rowan snorts into his plate and I shoot him a confused glare.

"I didn't hear anything, Ash." I tell him, rolling my eyes at Rowan's behavior.

"Me neither." Holly informs us, "I think Ash is hearing things. Do you have potatoes growing in your ears?" She asks, leaning toward his chair and squinting to look in his ear canal.

Ash slaps a hand over his ear, "No! I heard it, I swear." He says moodily.

Rowan chokes on his laughter, coughing to try and cover it up. When he finally regains his composure, he turns to Ash.

"I'm sure you did hear something. I'll have a look around and see if there's a cat living under the house before I leave today." He promises and it seems to placate the younger boy.

They leave not much later. Ash is in a hurry to get to school in hopes that he might get to play a quick pickup game of ball before the first bell rings.

"What on earth is so funny?" I demand once they're out the door.

Rowan bursts into a renewed fit of laughter. I cross my arms over my chest and scowl at his secret joke that I'm not privy to.

"It's just- it's-" He breaks into laughter again and I let out a huff of indignation.

He sobers up after a few more minutes, wrapping his arms around me and swaying playfully like a silly boy. An unbidden smile finds its way to my lips even as I try to maintain my irritated look. Rowan grins when he sees me break.

He bends forward so his lips brush the shell of my ear as he speaks, "You were the kitten he heard."

I suck in a sharp breath and push him away, "I was not!"

"You were." Rowan assures me, laughing heartily again, eyes twinkling devilishly.

He pulls me close again even though I try to push him away, "You make a lot of beautiful sounds but one of them sounds a little bit like a kitten mewing for its mother."

"Shut up!" I blush as I push out of his arms and turn away from him, "I do not."

"Don't be embarrassed." He says though laughter. "They're adorable. I love it."

I'm completely mortified as I raise a hand to cover my face. Last night I had lost control and hadn't cared what sort of noise I was making, but in the light of day I can't believe my reaction. Rowan seems to realize that I really am embarrassed by this discovery and his hands find my shoulders, his thumbs pressing circles into the tense muscles there.

"Hey." He murmurs, "I didn't mean to laugh. I just think it's funny that Ash found us out but has no clue."

He turns me to face him, lifting my chin up so I am forced to meet his gaze. He stares at me intently for a few moments before speaking again.

"I liked it. A lot. Obviously." He says, his voice husky again with the memory of last night running through his mind, "It made me feel damn good to hear you like that. I knew I was doing it right."

I'm sure my cheeks are redder than cherries now but he just smiles softly.

"You did enjoy last night up until the end, right?" His eyes twinkle impishly because he already knows my answer.

I roll my eyes, "Yes. You know I did."

The grin he gives me is contagious and I slap his arm lightly.

"You're impossible." I inform him.

He laughs but doesn't deny it as he runs a hand through his hair that is still messed with sleep and the unexpected activity of last night. He leans in and kisses me but before he can turn it into something deeper I push him away.

"I have to get to work." I state firmly, "If I'm late, you'll be the one answering to Juni."

"Well then you'd better run there. I don't want that woman's wrath directed at me." He says in mock fear.

I laugh and wave a hand through the air before heading out the door to another full day of healing.

…

"So what is it we're doing exactly?" Rowan asks, a pace or two behind me as we make our way quickly into the woods behind my house a few weeks later.

"We're gathering some honey." I reply, looking over my shoulder to see a skeptical look cross his face. "It's the first of the season and it's come early this year." I add, hoping this would convince him further that he really did want to help me with this.

"Bees sting, Camellia." He points out obviously, as his body clearly tenses.

"Yes, Rowan, they do." I reply, imitating his voice. He narrows his eyes at me and I laugh, "That's why there are hoods for us to wear once we get there."

He still doesn't look convinced and I roll my eyes at him as we continue our walk. The hives are always louder at this time of year with the flurry of activity as bees harvest from the freshly bloomed flowers. The hives aren't even in view when I first hear them and I can sense Rowan tense up even further despite the fact that there are none buzzing around him. We walk into the clearing a few moments later and I turn to see Rowan swatting at the air around his ears.

"What are you doing?" I question, trying to keep the amusement out of my voice.

"They're swarming my head!" He says defensively. Apparently I'm not so good at keeping a neutral tone of voice.

I walk over to him and grab both his wrists, pulling them back down to his sides, "No, they're not." I say smiling at him. I'm sure it comes off as patronizing, but I'm really not trying to upset him; I just can't help myself. "They're doing their work. You're in their airspace."

He frowns, "They're going to sting me."

I laugh softly and shake my head, "No, they won't. Honeybees don't sting unless you threaten them, which swatting at them will do. So stop swatting and just let them fly by you. If you mind your own business, they'll mind theirs."

He looks down at my shirt and his eyes widen, "There's one on you." I look down and see he's correct but there are also several that have landed on his own shirt that he has yet to notice.

"And it hasn't stung me yet." I reason before walking to get the hoods and smoke can. "Here," I hand him one, "Put this on."

He does as instructed and follows me closer to one of the hives.

"How is it you made it through The Hunger Games but you're afraid of a harmless bee? It's not like these are tracker jackers." I point out.

He mumbles something about people being a fair fight and not being able to fly through the air with a weapon attached to his ass. I try not to laugh at him as I pry open the hive gently. When I pull the lid off, Rowan jumps back like he's been shocked by electricity. He stays frozen like that for several minutes before he realizes that they aren't going to suddenly fly in a single swarm out of the hive and kill him. Once he sees he's safe from a cloud of a thousand stingers descending on him, he moves closer.

"Wow." He whispers, leaning in and watching the tiny insects hurry about their duties, oblivious to us watching them.

"Pretty amazing." I say softly, smiling at his complete turn of reactions.

"Yeah. I didn't expect them to stay so calm." He replies looking up at me. "What do we do now?"

I pull one of the bars up and smoke the bees before brushing them gently back down onto the hive, "Bring that bucket over here." I order and he moves quickly to do so. I cut the honeycomb free from the bar before settling it carefully back into place. I repeat this several times, Rowan watching silently.

When I move to close the hive back up, Rowan looks at me in surprise, "What about all those other bars?"

"I can't clean all of them." I explain, "They still need some honey to eat. You have to leave some bars so they can survive."

"Oh." He replies simply, following me to the next hive, this time helping to cut away the combs.

We make it through all the hives during the morning hours and have several buckets full of honeycomb by the time lunch rolls around. We move off to the side of the clearing and sit down to eat the lunch I'd packed us this morning.

"This is pretty amazing." He says, settling back against a tree. "How do you know so much?"

"I used to come out here as a child with my mother. She learned to tend when she was a girl so she taught me." I explain, slicing a bit of bread and handing it to Rowan. He takes it, still looking at me.

"It must be pretty special to you then- tending the bees. It's a connection with your mom." He comments.

I smile and nod, "Yeah it is. I learned a lot of lessons out here and it was always just mom and I."

"What kind of lessons?" He asks taking a bite of the plain bread.

I chuckle and take it from him, "Patience for one. You can't hurry with the bees. They work on nature's time not humans'."

I pull out a honeycomb and carefully slice into it to take the caps off, revealing the honey. I tip it gently and let the fresh honey pour onto the bread before handing it back to him. "Things are sweeter when you wait."

He smiles back and takes a bite. He chews for a moment before groaning, "Wow, that's good. It's even better than what you have at the house."

I nod, "It's fresh."

"What else did you learn?" He prods as I prepare my own bread.

"You can't keep taking and taking from those smaller than yourself just because you're bigger. If you keep taking honey from the bees and don't think about how they'll manage without it, they'll to starve to death. In the end, you'll end up losing just as much as they do."

Rowan just watches me. He recognizes the significance of this lesson. District 7 is a hive, just like all the other districts, starving and swarming, waiting for the day it can punish the Capitol for its offenses. I look away first and think of something my mother told me one day when I suddenly decided to be afraid of the bees for no apparent reason after dealing with them for years. I smile at the memory.

I had only been seven or so at the time and we'd walked out to the hives for the morning. When we got there, I had acted just as Rowan had today, swatting at the bees as they flew by. My mother asked me why I was doing it and I told her I was afraid they would sting me because one of the children at school said bees sting all the time and they hurt.

My mother had smiled and knelt down in front of me speaking only one sentence, which I share with Rowan now.

"Gentleness can turn even the most capable of weapons into something safe." I say, a smile playing at my lips, "My mother taught me that when I was afraid of the bees like you were earlier."

Rowan gives me a soft look as he finishes up the rest of his bread, "I think that your mother was a very smart woman."

"She was." I whisper, "She loved these hives. She always looked so much younger when she would come out here to work."

We sit, enjoying the streams of sunlight falling through the trees and the quiet hum of the hives.

"I miss her so much still. Every single day there's something I wish I could tell her." I say softly, staring up at the canopy of green. "And not a day goes by that I don't wish I could ask her for advice."

"She'd be so proud of you, Camellia." Rowan says, reaching over to squeeze my hand gently.

I look down from the trees only to find the same shade of green in his eyes, "I'm not so sure. There are a lot of things I've done that I think she'd be so disappointed in."

"Well, sure you've made mistakes, but everyone does." He admits with a sigh, "You were under some pretty awful circumstances though. I think she would understand and I think she'd be so proud that you worked through all of the mistakes and came out better for them on the other side."

I give a tiny smile, "You never even knew my mother, Rowan."

"But I know you." He argues softly, "And you were raised by her. You aren't ashamed of someone just because they've made mistakes in the past. I figure you learned that somewhere."

"You don't know that I wouldn't judge someone like me. I've never met anyone who has done such awful things as I have." I counter.

He smirks, "Now I know that's not true."

I frown, "Who then? Who surpasses me in the poor decisions category?"

"Me." He replies simply with a regretful smile.

I roll my eyes, "That doesn't count."

"How so?"

"I wasn't really at my best when I met you either, Rowan." I say, chuckling a bit as I move to sit astride his lap so our eyes are even with one another's, "I had no room to judge anyone."

His hands move naturally to rest on my hips, his green eyes never leaving my own as I slide my arms up to rest easily around his neck.

"I still think your mother would understand." Rowan argues gently, "And I'm proud of you either way."

I rest my forehead against his and sigh, thinking back to all the deepest lows I had in the Capitol. One that keeps coming back is the night at the club when Rowan had taken me home. Suddenly the vague, hazy memory of him kissing my temple emerges and I realize I have still never found out whether or not it actually happened.

"I have a question." I say and he nods, telling me to go on. "Did you kiss me that night after the club when you stayed with me until the drugs started to wear off?"

"You remember that?" He asks, his eyebrows rising in surprise.

I shrug, "I thought I did. I wasn't sure though. I was almost asleep so I thought it was probably a dream or a hallucination or something, especially since you never did it again."

"Why didn't you ask me the next time you saw me?" He asks, brow furrowing.

I shake my head, "I couldn't. I was afraid of what the truth would mean."

"Why?"

"I couldn't be that with you." I whisper, my eyes watching his carefully, "I was so screwed up and I just couldn't trust you with that."

"And now?"

"I might be dead if it weren't for you. I could have died the night that they left me in the town square. I could have kept using morphling. I could have killed myself." I list the possibilities, eyes dropping to his chest. "You saved me."

"You thought about killing yourself?" He's surprised. I can see it in his eyes even though he keeps his voice even. I know him to well.

"Sometimes. When my stomach hurt so bad for want of the morphling or when my burns would pain me at the end of the day, I wanted to die. I didn't entertain the thought often but it was enough."

We both sit silently for a minute, my eyes lowered to his chest, as we think about what I've just admitted to.

After a while, he ducks his head to meet my eyes with his own, "I didn't save you, Camellia. I just tried to remind you why you needed to save yourself." He presses a gentle kiss to my forehead, "But thank you for the credit."

I laugh at the expression on his face as he says this. I shake my head and let my forehead rest against his again. I was scared he might be angry or scared when I told him, but the moment is passed now and he hasn't headed for the hills yet.

"Why did you do kiss me that night and never again?" I ask curiously.

"I thought you were asleep." He states easily, as though the answer was quite obvious, "I didn't think you would remember it and I just got caught up in everything. I had been drinking too, you know." He shoots me an ironic smile, "You were so beautiful even like that- even while you were such a mess. I knew that kissing you wouldn't help- that it would probably screw up any trust that I had from you. I just- I don't know- I needed to kiss you that night, even though I understood that. I told myself that it was a one-time-only thing. I convinced myself that one kiss was enough to last me a lifetime as long as I would still have your trust; that I could still try to help you."

Silence falls between us again, creating a pause for thought.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I whisper with a smile spreading across my face despite my best efforts to conceal it.

"Of course." He answers, thumbs brushing my hipbones lightly. "I'm a great secret keeper."

I smile sadly because I know he has been forced into being such a good secret keeper because of what the Capitol has done to him. I shrug the feeling off though because I know he wouldn't want to bring that up right now. It's simply a joke so instead I divulge my secret to him.

"On the bad nights, when I felt so alone it hurt, I would think about it- the kiss I mean. I would dream that someone really could be that gentle with me one day; that someone thought I was honestly worth kissing even though I was a complete disaster. It made me happy to dream about it." The words come out barely louder than a breath but you would think I was shouting them the way Rowan's face lights up.

"And now?" He whispers, words choked with emotion.

"It's not a dream." I say, shivering as his fingers gently graze my sides, nudging me closer. His lips close the space between mine slowly and meet my own softly, the feeling of him so warm it seems to envelope me, sending tingles to the tips of my fingers as they find their way to tangle in his hair. His hands explore my body, delicately feathering across the territory but never settling for more than a moment. I press closer into him, savoring the kiss that tastes of honey mixed with him, an exotic taste that I'm not sure I can ever get enough of. A shudder runs through my spine and I pull away slightly as his hands graze my bare skin from where my shirt has ridden up slightly.

"Sorry." He murmurs, pupils still dilated and breath unsteady.

I shake my head placing my hands lightly on his chest, "It's okay." I press my lips to his in one last sweet kiss to let him know I'm telling the truth. My body's reaction to him isn't one of disgust, not even close, but I'm not willing to go farther right now- not when the day is already so perfect.

When I pull away I smile, "We should finish up this work before the sun starts to set." I say and move to get up but his hands hold firmly to my hips.

"Wait one more minute." He pleads, breath still a little short.

"Why?" I ask, looking over my shoulder at the waiting buckets. One of his hands moves to my hair and turns my gaze back to his own.

"I just want to memorize this moment. You. Just like this." He murmurs, thumb brushing my scar lightly. "You're perfect."

I watch his face for a moment noticing how much his eyes really do resemble the evergreen needles above us, right down to the tiny flecks of gold around his pupil that look like the bits of sunlight through the branches.

I smile softly at his complement, "No, I'm not." I say, giving him a peck on the nose, "But thank you."

He laughs but releases me to stand before doing so himself. I show him how to crush the combs and set the honey to strain. After that, we work in diligent silence until all the buckets have been finished and covered.

We sit down to rest for a few minutes as the sun falls below the tree line before we head back to the house. We're settled up against one of the biggest spruce trees watching the orange rays of light descend through the trees, each of us lost in thought. Rowan's voice almost sounds detached from this world when he speaks a few moments later.

"Do you ever think someone will overthrow the Capitol?" He wonders.

I turn my head sharply to look at him but his eyes are still focused at the sun setting through the trees in front of us.

"I don't know." I admit, "I hope so. Maybe not in our lifetime but I think someday, someone will. Someone will snap eventually from all of the suffering they force us through."

We're silent for a long while, the crickets and birds making the only sounds in the forest.

"Why not us?" He whispers so softly I wonder if I just made it up in my head.

I look at him and see he's watching me now, trying to read my reaction.

"The two of us against the Capitol?" I question incredulously.

"Not just the two of us." He counters, "There must be others who would be willing to fight. They just need a way of organizing." He turns his body to face mine and I can see his mind working excitedly at the prospect.

"There's no way. The Capitol would never allow it to happen." I say, "They have eyes and ears everywhere. You're the one that told me so. Besides that, we'd need support from the other districts too."

Rowan nods, taking in my points, "Yes, we would, but I don't think that would be difficult. They're all just as angry as us here in seven."

"And how would you be able to organize with them?" I inquire, this plan becoming more and more improbable by the minute.

"I'm not sure." He murmurs, leaning back against the tree, "Us Victors are the only ones who have contact with people from every district but Snow keeps such close tabs on us while we're in the Capitol. There must be a way though. We just have to find it."

"Try not to worry about it too much, Rowan." I murmur, worried that even his planning might lead to something detrimental. If the Capitol were to find out, he would be killed or they would make it look like he disappeared by accident. I couldn't bear losing him. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

"We're mostly happy as we are. I don't want to mess it up."

"Right." He mutters dejectedly and waits a moment before adding, "Mostly happy. I just wish we could be happy all the time; that I didn't have to worry about the Capitol or what Snow might try to do to you if I don't do his bidding."

"I know." I say, reaching for his hand resting on the dirt beside him. "I do too. But most of the time is pretty good. It's more than I ever hoped for after Linden died."

He nods slowly, raising my hand to press his lips to my palm before encasing it in both of his own hands.

"It's just a dream." He whispers with a sigh.

"It's always good to have a dream."

**AN:** There you have it! Hope you enjoyed all the Rowan x Camellia fluff. Next chapter lots of action should be going down, if everything goes as planned, so I wanted to give you all some warm fuzzies.

Please review and let me know what you thought! I love to hear from you!


	36. Chapter 36- A Phone Call

**AN: **Well I got into my groove and this one just fell into place pretty quickly as I wrote it. Next chapter is still very roughly written so it will probably be a bit before it's up!

_**Warning**_: There are some darker themes in this one. There's nothing graphic, but I just want to cover my butt so you don't read it if you aren't comfortable. If you have any concerns/questions, please PM me before you read and I will get back to you.

_Part 36- A Phone Call_

"Camellia?"

I turn to see Peacekeeper Collins hurrying across the village square towards me, his crisp white uniform gleaming on the sunny spring day. It's nearly suppertime and I was just making my way home from working with Juni.

"Peackeeper Collins," I say in surprise, "is everything okay?"

"Letter for you from the Capitol." He says holding out the fine, white envelope.

"Really?" I question.

Mail is practically unheard of in the districts where people simply call on one another if they have something they need to say. The last time I received any mail was when Snow asked me to sing at the Victory tour. I cringe and hope this letter isn't from him.

"Well, I didn't write it for you myself, and clearly there's a letter in my hand." The stern man says, waving the paper in my face for me to take.

"Of course. Thank you." I say, taking the letter from him with a hesitant smile. "How are you, Peacekeeper Collins?"

He eyes me skeptically, "I've been better."

"Is everything alright?"

"Obviously not." He snaps then sighs when he notices my flinch. "There's a lot of pressure coming from the Capitol lately. That's all you need to know."

I smile at his bristling in spite of myself. I'm nearly certain he's much softer than he lets on, "Well I hope the pressure eases up soon so you might find some relief, then."

I turn to move on my way and leave Peacekeeper Collins to his work.

"Camellia," he calls again and I turn, "Are you well? I haven't had time to speak to you since you returned to the district."

I smile and nod, "I am. I'm very well, sir, thank you."

"That Carson boy is treating you kindly?" He asks gruffly, dropping his gaze in discomfort.

"He is." I chuckle, "I didn't realize you took such an interest in my life."

"I don't." He denies firmly, "I like to keep tabs on all of the citizens in my district."

"I see." I nod slowly, trying to hide my knowing smile.

"Maybe I do keep a special eye out for the ones with spirit about them." He admits begrudgingly, though I swear I detect the tug of a smile on his lips.

"Well, I thank you for that." I say, "I'll leave you to your work, Peacekeeper Collins. Thank you for the letter."

He gives a curt nod, "Only doing my job."

"Of course." I smile and give a small wave before continuing on my way across the square.

I wait until I get dinner into the oven to start cooking before ripping open the letter. The handwriting on the front is vaguely familiar, though I can't imagine who from the Capitol would be writing. Everyone had dropped me instantly when they received word about my burns, almost as though I had disappeared in the flames, and I haven't heard from the Capitol since.

Nervously, I unfold the paper inside and see that it's from Urela. I smile at the sight of her signature down at the bottom of the page. I haven't heard from her since my last day in the hospital. A small nagging feeling pulls at the back of my mind and I realize I'm worried about hearing from her now. Her contract should be ending soon and she should be returning home, something I know she was terrified of.

_Camellia,_

_ I hope this letter finds you well. I'm sorry I didn't write you before now, but I figure you know me, and so you know I'm not one for letter writing. Even if I wanted to, my hand shakes something awful whenever I try to form legible words._

_ I've decided what I want to do with my future and I needed to someone to know the truth of it since I'm sure the Capitol bastards will change the story on the news shows. They'll want to make it sound like an accident, I'm sure. I want to spare my family the real story since I know they'll fair better with a lie. The only other person in my life that I feel deserves any explanation is you._

_ I know you're probably hoping that this letter will say I'm going home to my family. I assume that you've managed to reintegrate back home. I'm so proud of you and I never really had any doubts that you would be strong enough to do it. I'm not like you though, Camellia, and I can't bring myself to look at my siblings again after everything the Capitol has said about me and my life here._

_ Tomorrow I'm going to steal an automobile and drive to the canal in the middle of the city where we took our first walk together. You once said the water would drag me under and drown me and I hope that, as usual, you're correct. I've thought a lot about it and I think it won't be such an awful way to die. I've never gotten to swim before and I think that the end will come pretty peacefully._

_ I'm sorry I couldn't be as strong as you, Camellia. I'm sorry I had to write this to you but I couldn't stand the thought of no one ever knowing the truth of the matter. I hope that you aren't too upset for me because I'm not. This is the best answer. Please know that you were a source of happiness in my life for the short time we were together in the Capitol and there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. _

_ All my love,_

_ Urela_

At some point I had sunken down to the floor, my back against the cabinets.

"Oh, Urela." I whisper, my words muffled by the hand I had clasped over my mouth in shock as I read the shaky scrawl of my only friend in the Capitol.

"Oh, what have you done?" I ask no one, my breath ragged as I read her words again, hoping that there was something I missed- some joke that she had hidden between the lies- because this can't be real. There's nothing there though, only her final words to me.

I stumble to the television set, fumbling to plug it in and switch to the news channel before falling into a cross-legged heap only inches from the screen.

The bold, white words 'Breaking News' are placed over a red banner flashing at the top of the screen. An aerial view of the canal that cuts through the Capitol runs in the background and an announcer is speaking in an annoyingly airy and excited voice.

The door opens and I realize it must be Rowan arriving for dinner but I can't pull my eyes from the screen where a picture of Urela from her most recent film premier is overlaid in the corner of the clip.

"… at two-thirty, yesterday morning, May 18th, the body of the highly acclaimed actress, Urela Harrington, was discovered on the banks of the canal. Many will already know the story of the young actress who met with her untimely death; that she was brought to the Capitol from District 8 by a scout who saw potential in her and desired to give her a better life.

"Peacekeepers and government officials have released an official statement stating that drowning was the suspected cause of death.

"While no official statement has been released documenting the last hours leading up to the star's death, our news reporters have managed to paint a general picture through their research. Urela had taken a car out at around one forty-five yesterday morning and driven straight to the canal, parking her car on a sidewalk where it was later ticketed and towed away. Witnesses reported seeing the young actress stumble towards the walkway along the canal as though she was highly intoxicated. It is not new knowledge that the troubled young woman had often had problems with her drinking habits and a blood test run on the body postmortem indicated a blood alcohol level that suggested she had been drinking heavily just prior to her death.

"Urela was next seen balancing precariously over the edge of a railing along the canal. A single witness reported trying to help the young woman but she had been belligerent and tried to push him away. In her actions, she somehow lost balance on the railing and plunged to her death. Although she struggled against the current and rescue attempts were made, the woman was pulled under the current of the water below and drowned."

A magenta haired news reporter is flashed on the screen in place of the canal clip and she gives a pathetic attempt at a somber smile.

"Such a tragic accident ending such a bright and shining young life." The woman laments, "We have to cut to a commercial break right now but when we return we will have Dr. Fisker, a critically acclaimed psychologist, whom we have invited to talk to us about how the young woman seemed to be recovering from her difficulties with alcohol before her untimely end. And later tonight, our channel will release special footage of the last days leading up to Urela's death that have never been released to the public along with a step-by-step walkthrough of this talented woman's final moments starting with the moment she left her apartment that fateful night. It's all here tonight so stay tuned."

I blink away the foggy tears that have gathered in my eyes and swallow against the bile rising in my throat. How could they talk about her like this, like they knew her? They're using her death for profit, capitalizing on every last drop of her blood.

"Camellia." Rowan says hesitantly, reaching to turn off the television. It's okay. I don't want to see anymore. I think if I do I might honestly be sick.

"She didn't fall in." I inform him weakly, holding up the paper in my hand.

He kneels down beside me and pulls me into a crushing hug.

"I'm so sorry." He murmurs into my hair, "I barely knew her but I know you were really close-"

"She was my best friend." The words shake as I say them and I realize that my entire body is shaking uncontrollably, "She kept me sane. She kept me alive just as much as you did while I was in the Capitol."

He nods against my hair but doesn't say anything as he brushes a hand comfortingly over my arm.

"She was there." I whisper, "The first night, after Milo sent me home, she was there. She took care of me."

Tears prickle in my eyes but they won't seem to come. Urela and I had never really had the sort of friendship that led to crying. All I really want, for the first time in a long while, is a shot of morphling; that's the only emotional release I can really think of to deal with losing Urela and it's not available.

Rowan's arms stiffen around me. I don't talk much about my time in the Capitol and I know it hurts him, just as it hurts me, to think of what they did to me. I bury my head against his green, cotton shirt and the words start flowing from me, like a dam was broken by Urela's passing.

"She gave me the morphling the first night when I went to her. I was still in shock and she let me cry." I smile wryly, "I know it must have made her uncomfortable. She hated pretty much any show of emotion but she put up with me. She gave me the morphling to help me sleep.

"She taught me how to take care of myself and how to keep them happy. She watched out for me." My voice breaks on the last words and it takes me several minutes before I gather myself again.

"Urela was the one who came for me the night that Milo tried to kill me. My driver found me, and she called the ambulance. She visited almost every day I was in the hospital."

I pause before whispering the words my mind has been thinking since the moment I finished reading her letter, "I never did anything for her. She's dead now and I never did anything to try and help her. I never even tried to contact her once I came home. What if I could have-" I trail off, unable to voice the idea.

"Shhh." Rowan soothes, rocking me gently in his arms where he still has me in a death grip. "She wanted you to know the truth, Camellia. You must have done a lot for her if she wanted that. You had her trust."

"It's not right." I say angrily, "It's not right that she's dead. She was so damaged she didn't even think her family would want her."

"I know." He murmurs.

"Do you? Do you, really?" I ask irrationally. I don't know why his empathy irritates me.

He pulls my shoulders away so he can look me in the eyes, "I do. That could have been you." He nods in the direction of the dark television screen, "Do you have any idea how much it would have killed me if it had been you?"

He pulls me back to his chest and I realize why he's been holding me so tightly all this time. It's all made him that much more grateful that I came home, even in my disastrous state, because at least I was alive- at least he had the chance to try and repair me.

"They deserve to pay for what they do to us." I mutter bitterly against him.

"One day they will, Camellia," he replies assuredly, "one day, soon, they will."

We sit there for a long time, simply clinging to one another, finding comfort in the fact that we are both still very much alive. Losing Urela reminds me just how lucky I was when I returned from the Capitol or even to have escaped the Capitol alive in the first place. It reminds me how much I love the man who is entangled so tightly with me now that I'm stiflingly warm on the balmy spring evening. I have people that still need and love me after everything I've been through and for that I owe them the rest of my life.

The smell of burning food brings both of us back to our senses and I quickly, though reluctantly, untangle myself from Rowan's limbs. A cloud of smoke billows out of the oven when I open it and I flap a towel around to try and break it up as I cough.

"Damn." I mutter, pulling out the charred casserole.

Rowan chuckles from over my shoulder, "What do you say to dinner at the restaurant in town, my treat?"

I shoot him a glare but it dissolves quickly into a smile. I can't really be angry on a day like this. I don't want to be unhappy when I'm still alive and I still have so many beautiful, wonderful, happy things to live for. I want to be consciously grateful for them, even if it's only for this day. It's my way to remember Urela, one of the best friends I ever had.

I call upstairs to Holly and Ash that we're going to the restaurant to eat, and, judging by the pounding of feet across the ceiling, they're excited about it. The restaurant isn't really anything special compared to what I've seen in the Capitol. Each day it has a special that everyone orders, no choices, and it's usually not all that spectacular. Simply the novelty of dining out is enough for the citizens of District 7 to get excited about.

Rowan smiles a bit somberly when he hears the instant reaction of my siblings. I can tell he feels the same about today as I do. I take the two steps that separate us, placing my hands on his waist to balance me as I reach up and kiss him. It's not long, or deep, just a chaste, quick, little thing but it stokes a warmth in me that had been missing since I first read Urela's letter. When I look into his eyes, I know he feels something similar.

That night we don't talk as we get changed for bed and we don't go to sleep right away either. We both stay awake, not talking, simply touching, caressing, reveling in the life that is still present inside of one another.

Eventually we both drift off, and I wake only a few hours later after dreaming that I had been the one to suffer Urela's death instead. Rowan pulls me tightly to him without a word when my strangled cry wakes him and he keeps me there until I drift off again.

There are no words I could give to this man that could aptly describe how I feel about him. Love doesn't seem to be enough. I need him like I need air or water. I don't think I could survive without him.

…

I'm pulling on one of Rowan's old shirts one night a week later as I get ready for bed. Rowan didn't come to dinner tonight and I haven't heard from him all day. I try not to let the worry eat away at me but I have a bad feeling about his absence.

Just as I'm climbing into bed, I hear someone shouting from outside. Quickly, I throw on the clothes I had just changed out of and rush downstairs, wondering if perhaps there was some emergency that Juni needed help with. It wouldn't be the first night that she has called me into town to assist her.

"Camellia!"

This time I recognize Laurel's voice as it calls through the door before she ever even knocks. I hurry to the door as her fist raps against the wood frame. It's late and I don't think I've ever heard Laurel's voice sound quite so sincerely worried. Instantly, my mind is creating up scenarios- that Cedar is hurt or something has happened to Cypress.

"Laurel, what is it?" I ask, throwing the door open wide and looking for some injured body in need of healing, but there is none to be found.

"It's Rowan." She says breathlessly, her face flushed from running all the way out to my house. My blood turns to ice in my veins when her two words sink in.

"What's wrong?" I ask, grabbing my jacket from the hook without further hesitation and hurrying out the door before she answers.

"He's in the town square." She explains, hurrying along next to me, pulling her light jacket closer to her body against the chill of the spring night. There's more to it than she's saying so I wait.

"He's drunk." Laurel drops the bomb.

"Drunk." I repeat, freezing for a moment to stare at her in shock.

She nods, "Red saw him in the bar and had him kicked out. Cedar's there with him, trying to calm him down, but he won't go home. Something has him upset."

I sigh, nod, and hurry off again towards the square; this time with renewed energy. I hear Rowan before I see him, his shouts echoing off the buildings in the village square.

"You can't stop me from drinking! I can do what I want. I paid for it! Stay away from me!" He yells.

His voice reminds me of a threatened animal, backed into a corner. When I walk into the square, I see that I'm not far from the truth. Cedar is there across from us and he sees Laurel and I as we walk out into the open, giving a tense nod in our direction to acknowledge us. There are other men as well, some I recognize as those who frequent the bar, others are the owners of the surrounding businesses.

Rowan is turning around in slow circles, trying not to turn his back on anyone but they have him surrounded so it's impossible to face them all at once. He doesn't have a jacket on and his cheeks are flushed pink, though whether from the chill of the evening or from the alcohol he's been drinking I can't be sure. A half-empty bottle of an all-too-familiar brown liquor swings loosely from his fist. He teeters on his feet unsteadily but as one man reaches to touch his shoulder he pulls away roughly, throwing a blind punch in his direction.

"Rowan." I say evenly, distracting him enough that he misses completely.

"Shut-up!" He shouts automatically, turning to face where the voice came from. He spots me and his glazed eyes widen slightly, "Go home, Camellia." He says softly.

"No." I refuse, shaking my head slowly as I step closer. Several of the men closest to me part so I can see him more clearly. "No, Rowan, I'm not leaving."

"Come on, man." Cedar speaks up, reaching forward for Rowan's arm again, "Let's just go back to my house so we can talk in private." As soon as Cedar's hand touches Rowan, there's a flash of silver as Rowan swings an arm again.

A knife.

"Rowan!" I scream and he misses Cedar by less than six inches. A shiver runs up my spine, too close. He doesn't turn around but his body freezes tensely in its motions.

"Stop it." I plead.

"I told you, Camellia," he growls lowly over his shoulder, "go home."

"What happened, Rowan?" I ask, taking another step closer, now just out of arms reach.

"I don't want to talk about it!" He shouts, his voice shaking just the tiniest bit, only enough that someone who knew him well would notice.

"Rowan." I say in the most soothing voice I can muster, just louder than a whisper as I reach out a hand for his forearm. "Please. You promised to talk to me."

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't the flash of motion that results from my fingers brushing his skin. I don't comprehend what's happening until a moment later when the flurry of activity has calmed. The baker's hands are still on my shoulders, having pulled me back a few paces from Rowan. Rowan is howling like a wounded animal, still swinging the knife wildly. Cedar has his fingers wrapped around Rowan's knife hand, tightening his grip until Rowan's hand is forced to release the weapon.

My heartbeat speeds up and I find it hard to catch my breath. I must be in shock because I'm surprisingly unafraid considering the man who supposedly loves me just tried to slice a knife through me. Who would have seen this moment coming? Rowan is still looking at me like some sort of stranger, like a real threat. He's not in his right mine right now. I can tell that much easily. His eyes are wide, bloodshot, and fearful as he manages strangled breaths and struggles against Cedar's hold.

"That's enough, Rowan." Cedar says firmly, his voice threatening in a way I didn't know he was capable of. "You'll regret that in the morning."

"Let's take him back to the Victor's Village." I say softly, trying to keep my voice from shaking like the rest of my body suddenly is now that I'm coming down from the adrenaline rush. The baker doesn't comment on my trembling as he releases my shoulders from his steady hands with an encouraging smile.

Cedar nods and pulls Rowan's hands behind his back before pushing the drunken man in front of him. I jump nervously when Laurel's arm wraps around my shoulder as we follow behind.

"Sorry, it's just me. Are you okay?" She whispers, her words tickling against my skin.

I nod and allow her to pull my body closer to her own.

"He didn't mean it." She comforts, watching my face for any reaction.

"Yes he did." I whisper back, "He's just too drunk to know better."

"Isn't it the same thing?" She asks, wide eyed.

"No." I say firmly, turning my gaze to watch the auburn haired man stumble in front of me. "It's not. He's hiding something- something that scares him- and decided to get drunk instead of dealing with it."

Cedar unceremoniously drops Rowan's body into his bed once we get to the house. Rowan groans and shares a few choice words with the other man. Cedar throws a few words back at him as he strips off Rowan's clothes that look like he's been rolling around in the streets, and judging by his state I wouldn't doubt that he has, leaving him in his underwear.

"Are you going to be okay with him?" Laurel asks once Cedar throws a blanket over Rowan and returns to us in the doorway.

"I'll be fine." I assure her and she looks to Cedar uncertainly.

He nods to her before saying, "He should pass out pretty soon and sleep it off. If he gets bad again, just leave. Come and get me and I'll come back over to help, okay?"

"Thanks, Cedar." I say with a tight smile, "Thank you both."

"Of course, Camellia." Cedar says, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. They show themselves out of the house and I settle myself into bed in the room next door.

I don't sleep much, waking every few hours from restless dreams. When the sky finally begins to lighten from black to grey, I get up and check on Rowan. At some point during the night, he managed to throw off the blanket and he lies sprawled out over the mattress, one hand grazing the floor below. There's enough light from the setting moon to see him laying there, face relaxed, looking younger than he usually does.

I stand in the doorway watching him for a while before deciding to shower quickly. By the time I towel off and find some old clothes of Rowan's to wear, the sun is just reaching over the mountains, lighting up the trees behind the house. I pull the string tight on the soft, old pants, rolling them as high up as I can but even so, the legs still drag when I walk.

I move silently downstairs to fill a couple glasses of water then slice up some apples and bread. By the time my feet hit the landing, Rowan is rustling around in his bed. I step into the doorway and wait for him to notice me.

He rubs a hand roughly over his face before letting it run up into his hair. When his eyes land on me, his expression remains flat. We stare at one another in silence until I take a step forward and hand him one of the glasses of water.

He props himself up on one elbow as he takes the glass hesitantly from me, "Thanks."

"Thought you might be able to use it." I state dully, never looking away from him as he gulps down the liquid greedily.

Last night I hadn't felt much, simply too concerned with getting Rowan home safely and in bed. This morning however I realize just how angry I am with him; angry because he broke his promise to talk to me; angry because he tried to slice a knife through me instead of tell me something was wrong.

"You'd be right." He mumbles setting the empty glass on the bedside table and lying back down. I take a seat in the chair across from his bed, taking a bite of bread as I do.

I continue to watch him, waiting for him to say something, give me some excuse for his behavior but he doesn't.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" I ask, after what seems like an eternity of silent waiting.

"I'd rather not." He retorts quickly.

"Well that's funny, Rowan, because I'd rather not have a knife swung at me but I don't think I got much of a choice in the matter last night." I point out as evenly as I can but there's an edge of anger clear in my voice.

His eyes snap up from the plate in his lap to look at me, widening as the memories of last night return to him.

"That wasn't a dream?" He asks worriedly.

When I shake my head, he has a sort of convulsion as though he's going to be sick. I watch as a wave of utter horror washes over him. Wide eyed, he searches my body for any injuries, his breath coming in short puffs as his jaw muscles clench, his pulse clearly visible from where I'm sitting.

"Did I- did I hurt you?" He asks, averting his gaze to an invisible mark on the wall across from him.

"Not physically." I say, still watching his face as I add, "Though not for lack of effort."

It's impossible to miss the cringe in his entire body when he hears my words. He looks up at me, the stench of guilt hard to miss. I take satisfaction in the look for once. Usually it hurts me to see him so upset, so sure he's a monster, but after the events of last night I'm pissed and I want answers and seeing him suffer makes it all just a little bit more tolerable.

"I'm so sorry, Camellia." He pleads, reaching out for my hands. I move them just out of reach, sitting farther back in the chair. His face falters, breaking at my rejection. I watch as the realization of what he's done, and its ramifications, hit him like a fallen tree.

"I wish I could take it back." He adds after a moment.

"That's the funny thing about actions. You can't take them back once they're done, Rowan." I spit the words.

"Then what do you want me to do?" He asks, confused with just an edge of irritation in his tone. Clearly he's not in the mood to take anymore biting words from me but I'm not quite ready to stop.

"Tell me what happened." I demand, struggling to keep the anger out of my voice, "And don't try and pretend that something bad isn't going on because you only relapse when something really upsets you. Something big must have happened, Rowan. I know it. You promised you would talk to me instead of running off and drinking again and you didn't. So either come clean now, or I'll leave and I won't come back."

The words nearly kill me to say but they have the intended effect. Rowan pales visibly at the threat and shakes his head disbelievingly.

"You don't need to know about it. I screwed up. It was an accident. That's all you need to know-"

"No!" I shout, leaning forward threateningly. "I think I deserve a little bit more than that, Rowan. You tried to slit my throat last night. It's a damn good thing Cedar was there to stop you."

His face scrunches up and he turns away from me for a moment. When he turns back the shame is still apparent on his visage but he seems to have regained some composure.

"It was Snow." He mumbles, closing his eyes tightly as he presses his fingers to them.

"What did he want?" I question, leading him on.

He heaves a great sigh, "Me. Back in the Capitol."

My brow furrows at his confession, "But you just got back."

"I know." He scoffs, "Hence, the drinking."

"Why does he want you to go back again? There can't possibly be another party, not with the Reaping so close." I state in disbelief.

He shrugs, "No. There's no party."

"Then what does he _want_, Rowan?" I demand, fear and anger rising up in me like a summer storm.

"They don't need a party to sell me. There are people willing to pay even if it's just for 'private companionship' without parading me around to parties with them." Rowan mumbles just loud enough for me to hear. I can hear in his voice how it breaks him up from inside to speak of it, "Snow said if I didn't come something unfortunate could happen that might make me want to be in the Capitol, away from seven."

My jaw goes slack and I'm speechless for a moment as I search for words, "Like what?" I whisper, hardly louder than a breath but he hears me. I know he does because, when his eyes meet mine, they're pleading with me to understand and to forgive him. "Like what, Rowan?" I demand again more desperately when he doesn't respond because deep down I already have an idea of what it is.

"He never says, Camellia. He just hints." Rowan explains in his best attempt at a soothing voice.

"Then what did he _hint_ would happen?" I demand, hysteria rising inside me as my mind creates horrific scenarios, any number of which might be true.

"Ash might get hurt." He whispers quickly and adds, "He didn't say how; just that he might."

I choke on the air around me as I struggle to breath. My head is spinning so much one would think I was the one who'd been in the Village square with a bottle of liquor last night, not Rowan. Rowan is talking and reaching a hand out to mine but I don't hear him. All I can do is think of my baby brother who at this time is probably still at home asleep or possibly out in the woods setting snares. My innocent baby brother, who has done nothing to incite this, is in danger.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I shout, and he winces from the hangover.

"I couldn't!" He retorts just as strongly, "I couldn't do that to you Camellia. I knew how it would upset you. I didn't need to tell you because I'm going to take care of it. You never needed to know-"

My hand slaps across his face before I realize what I'm doing. He lets out a yelp of surprise and his hand immediately covers the quickly reddening mark. He stares at me with wide eyes as if he doesn't completely recognize me anymore.

"Don't you ever tell me that I didn't need to know about that, Rowan Carson." I say, my voice low and deadly, so full of fear I think I might explode from it. "They are _my_ family, Rowan, not yours. You have _no_ right."

I set off pacing across the room, unable to stand still any longer. It's like my body is trying to fly in a hundred different directions and if I don't start moving I'll burst into a thousand pieces, never to be whole again.

"I knew this would happen." I whisper, hardly louder than a breath, wringing the fingers of my stinging hand nervously.

"It's not, Camellia. I'm not going to let it happen. I told Snow I'd go. I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you." Rowan states as soothingly as he can manage while still nursing the handprint on his cheek.

"No." I say looking up to see my own fear reflected in his face, remembering back to that one party when so many things had gone wrong. Snow had spoken to me that night and what he had said seemed like a nonsensical warning until now.

"He threatened me." I whisper.

"Who?"

"Snow." I answer, "We'll never be safe, Rowan. He has it out for us."

"Shh." Rowan sooths, running his thumb along the side of my hand, "Don't think like that. It's going to be fine. I agreed. Everything is settled. You're all safe."

"For now." I retort.

He lets out a deep sigh and nods, "For now." He agrees because he knows I'm right. He knows there will be no end to this. There will be another demand eventually, probably sooner than we'd like. Always there will be a threat.

We sit in silence for what feels like ages, both thinking about the situation we're in. It's not until the sun has risen up over the trees that I speak again.

"Why didn't you come and talk to me?" I question, meeting his eyes with mine.

He looks away, "I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't worry you like that, knowing that nothing was going to come of it. I was going to take care of it. I still am."

"So, what, you decided to drown the thoughts?" I ask, exasperatedly.

"I didn't say it made sense. I just couldn't deal with it." He mumbles, "I didn't want you to worry, which you now are."

"Because I should be!" I exclaim, standing from my seat, "This is _my_ _family_, Rowan. It's my job to protect them and I can't do that if you're keeping things like this from me!"

"You don't have to keep doing it alone." He argues, standing up from the bed but he cringes as he does from the quick movement, "It doesn't have to be all your responsibility.

"Yes it does." I counter firmly, crossing my arms.

"Why?" He demands just a fiercely. "Why can't you trust someone else for once in your life?"

"Because I'm the only one who wont die on them!" I shout without really thinking.

My hand claps over my mouth as soon as the words are out, as if trying to scoop them out of the air and back into my mouth but it's too late for that. He doesn't say anything, just watches me.

"I didn't mean that." I whisper, horrified by what I've just insinuated, "I don't blame my parents."

"I know." Rowan murmurs, walking slowly towards me, "You're just upset."

He reaches out for my hands but I step out of his reach, "This is huge, Rowan. You should have told me." I remind him, still angry about his behavior last night.

"I know that now." He whispers, "I'm sorry."

"I have to get home." I say before he can attempt physical contact. I can't deal with that right now. I'm still to angry with him, "They'll start to worry if I'm not back soon."

"They don't know you're here?" He asks, taking a step towards me.

"No. I left in such a hurry last night I didn't have time to tell them where I was going." I retort, trying to insinuate just how afraid he had made me last night.. The shame returns to his face again as a hand moves to rub the back of his neck. Good. He deserves to be embarrassed by all of this.

"I need to go." I say.

Just before I walk out of the room I turn back to see him still standing in the center of the room looking lost as to what he should do.

"Don't come around tonight, Rowan." I whisper weakly.

"Camellia-"

"Just don't, okay." I state rather than ask, "I just need time. You really fucked up, not telling me about this."

He stares at me a moment, a thousand emotions crossing his face, before he nods almost imperceptibly.

"I'm sorry." He says softly but it's not enough. I don't respond before walking out of the room and closing the door behind me, leaving the house to head for home.

I need to get out of here because looking at him right now confuses me. I want to hold him and comfort him because I know he must be scared to go back to the Capitol. I want to strangle him for trying to keep Snow's threat a secret from me. I want to kiss him because I still love him and I want to smack him across the face again because I hate him for breaking my trust.

The walk home doesn't do much to soothe my nerves. My muscles are tense with frustration and fear by the time I walk through the door to a silent house.

"Ash? Holly?" I call out but no one answers. I frown; normally Holly doesn't go out into the woods with Ash when he's setting out snares. He usually prefers to work alone and in silence. I check the table and counters for a note but there's nothing, no sign that either of my siblings woke up and left the house.

I walk out to the backyard but there's no sign of them there either. I try calling their names again but still there's no response. When I realize I've run out of ideas about where I might be, my heartbeat speeds up as I try not to let the panic rise within me.

It's nothing; I try to convince myself. When they woke up this morning and I wasn't there, Ash probably just assumed I wouldn't be back before he returned home. If I hadn't just found out about Snow's threat, I probably wouldn't bat an eyelash. I'm just overreacting, I assure myself. I'm sure they're both fine. The best thing I can do is sit tight and wait for them to return home.

I clean the house, top to bottom, trying to keep myself busy. It doesn't do much to ease my mind but at least I'm not sitting around thinking about every wretched thing that might have happened to them. After last night and Rowan's revelations this morning, all I really want is to gather both of my siblings in my arms, whole and healthy.

I drop the cloth I was using to polish the doorknob when I hear feet hit the steps on the front porch. Hurrying downstairs to meet them, I see them walking through the door, both of their faces flushed from the cool spring air, smiling from ear to ear and laughing about something that I've missed.

"Hi, Camellia! You're home." Holly says happily as they walk through the door and she gives me a quick hug before returning to the hook next to the door to temporarily hang up the bag full of gathered greens she'd been carrying.

Ash stares at me, clearly having taken note of my face, which, I'm sure, is still half frozen between terror and relief. "Are you okay?" He asks, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say, shaking my head, trying to throw off the aftereffects of my fear.

"You weren't here this morning so we went out to set some traps and then to see Maggie." He explains before he hesitantly adds, "I figured we'd be back before you so I didn't leave a note. Sorry."

"It's okay." I assure him, letting out a deep breath. "I was just a little jittery but you're fine. Everything's fine." I say, more for myself than for either of them.

"Yeah." Ash says still watching me like I'm some strange, frightened animal. "Yeah, we're fine. Why wouldn't we be?"

"I don't know." I say, shaking my head with a forced smile, "I'm just being silly. I got myself spooked."

Ash waits until Holly leaves to go upstairs and finish homework that's due tomorrow at school before he speaks again.

"Where were you last night?" He asks, taking a seat on the couch, watching me as I move about the kitchen to make some lunch.

"I was in town." I state, turning my attention to chopping up a carrot.

"Could you be a bit more general?" He asks and I can hear the smirk in his voice as he does.

I glance at him over my shoulder, "I had to help Rowan."

"With?"

"He was drunk in the town square." I admit reluctantly, "Cedar and Laurel helped me get him home and I stayed overnight to make sure he was okay this morning."

"Why was he drinking?" He questions, concern clear in his voice. He knows Rowan has been working hard to stay sober over the last year, probably even more than I do since he was here when Rowan first stopped drinking. He knows it must be something bad. I silently curse my baby brother for being intelligent and growing up so quickly.

"He got a call from the Capitol that upset him." I explain and glance again over my shoulder. He's opening his mouth to ask something else when I cut him off by adding, "And that's all you need to know, Ash. He's fine now." He closes his mouth and frowns, but he doesn't argue.

"Is he still coming for dinner tonight?" He inquires cautiously. I can tell he expects a certain answer. He wouldn't be asking if he didn't suspect that Rowan and I had fought.

"No," I sigh heavily, "I don't think so, Ash."

He watches me silently while I cook up a quick lunch. It's a simple, quiet meal. Holly is the only one who seems to be in the mood to talk as she tells us a few stories. Ash volunteers to help with the dishes after we finish eating so that Holly can finish her homework.

We both fall into a rhythm as I wash and he dries the dishes. I'm so lost in my own internal battle over Rowan that I don't realize he has something on his mind until I hold out a bowl for him to dry and he doesn't take it right away. I glance over at him and see he's staring out the window, lost in some thought.

"What's on your mind, Ash?" I ask, bringing him back to the kitchen. He smiles shyly before speaking.

"The school dance is coming up." He says softly, contemplating a small chip on the rim of the bowl when I turn to look at him.

"It's that time already, is it?" I ask with a smile, remembering my own years of school dances.

The dance has become an annual tradition in District 7. Every year, the mayor pays for a small, informal dance to be held on the last day of school. It's something the children look forward to with great anticipation. For the youngest ones, it's a fun party with friends. For the older ones, it's an opportunity to spend a little extra time with friends and to get dressed up to dance with their sweethearts. The older ones also realize that it's one last celebration with everyone together before the Reaping. They know that, next year, two students will be missing and it could be any of them.

I remember when Linden first asked me to go with him; he'd waited until the day of the dance. It had been two years before we started seeing one another officially and he'd arrived at my door that morning before school with a bunch of wild lily and yarrow blossoms. My mother had commented how sweet it was that he thought to bring flowers, and she had quickly placed them in water. I had agreed to go with him of course and we had awkwardly walked around at the dance for the first hour and a half.

We were only twelve then and I was still taller than him. I had never been close enough to a boy to hold his hand and I was so nervous I thought I might throw up the sandwich I had eaten at lunch. The social pressure from our peers left us both red faced and uncomfortable as they teased us about holding hands. We quickly warmed to each other though and forgot that we were _dates_, instead falling into our usual, comfortable pattern of talking and joking.

After that, Linden would show up every year on the day of the dance with a different wildflower in his hand. Even once we were officially a couple, he asked hesitantly if I would go with him, as if he didn't already know the answer.

"It is." Ash says, bringing me back from my reveries. He looks like he wants to say more but hesitates.

"Are you excited?" I probe.

He nods, curls flopping slightly, "Sure. I just- I- never mind." He stutters, drying the last dish. "Forget I said anything." He says walking swiftly out the front door.

A smile plays at my lips as I watch him take a seat on the steps, balancing his chin in the palm of his hand. Linden would do that sometimes when he was nervous to talk about something. It's funny how Ash picked up so many mannerisms from him. I quietly step outside and sit beside him.

"What's going on, Ash? What has you so nervous you can't even tell me about it?" I ask, nudging him with my shoulder.

"It's just this stupid dance." He mumbles, "All the guys are asking girls."

I raise a surprised eyebrow, "Are you?"

"I don't know." He shrugs, "I- I think I want to."

"Really?" I ask with a smile, "Who?"

"Dahlia Jepson." He answers easily, a blush creeping to his ears at the mention of the name. "But I don't know how. And she probably has someone else she wants to go with anyway."

"Dahlia. That's the girl you danced with at Laurel's wedding?" I ask and he nods. "Well, you should just ask her. The worst thing that could happen is she might say no."

He throws me a skeptical look, "That's what I'm worried about."

I chuckle and he looks offended by it, "I'm not laughing at you." I assure him, "It's just that when you're older you'll realize it's a pretty small risk to take."

He doesn't say anything in reply so I take another stab, "I think she likes you, Ash. She asked you to dance at the wedding after all." I point out.

"Yeah," he says with a smile as he remembers the night before he adds, "but then I kissed her. She hasn't spoken to me since. She avoids me most of the time actually."

"Did you ever try and talk to her about it?" I ask, holding back another laugh. He shakes his head. "She might just be nervous. She probably thinks you've been avoiding her too."

"But I haven't!" He argues, "I just don't want to upset her. The butcher's son from town is sweet on her and I see them talking a lot. I don't want her to think I'm weird by talking to her if she doesn't want to talk to me."

He lets out a heavy sigh, "She probably thinks I'm an idiot. Why would she choose a poor kid from the woods when the butcher's son clearly wants to go with her?"

I level him with a serious gaze, "Ash Goldenlarch, you are just as good as any merchant's boy, do you hear me? Don't let anyone tell you you're worth less just because you're not rich. You are smart and kind and so very brave. Any girl would be lucky to go to that dance with you."

I have to consciously restrain myself from gathering him in my arms like a little boy. I know it wouldn't help his self-confidence to have his older sister hug him like he's still a child. I wish he were still my baby brother who loved curling up in my lap for a good cuddle at the end of the day but I'm starting to realize he's well on his way to transitioning into manhood, a thought I find all too terrifying so I push it aside to be dealt with another day.

"I'll tell you what, you talk to her tomorrow. That's the first step. You can worry about asking her to the dance after that." I suggest but he shakes his head.

"Someone else will ask her if I wait." He says, "She's the prettiest girl in our grade."

I smile, remembering how Linden thought the same thing of me, or so he admitted one day after I'd turned seventeen. No doubt the young girl is pretty, but I'm sure that Ash's opinion is aided by his affections.

"You know how Linden first asked me to the dance?" I ask and he looks at me waiting for more. "He waited until the very last minute and then he brought me wildflowers."

"And you said yes." He finishes, rolling his eyes.

"Yes. Of course I did. Even then, I liked spending time with Linden." I admit with a small smile.

"That doesn't really help me, Camellia." Ash points out dully, "I don't even know if Dahlia likes me."

I laugh and place a hand on his shoulder, "The point I was making is that it doesn't matter how you ask her, Ash. If she likes you and she's a decent person, she'll say yes. It doesn't matter that some merchant's kid is chasing after her."

"You really think that's true?" He asks skeptically but I can see the tiny spark of hope in him.

I nod, "I do. When have I ever lied to you, Ash?"

A smile breaks across his face, "Okay. Thanks, Camellia." He says, standing and brushing his hands through his curls, "I have to get going. I'm supposed to go play a pickup game with some the guys from school."

"Have fun and just be back for dinner." I say with a smile. He nods and seems to contemplate something for a moment before throwing his arms around my neck in a tight hug.

"Thanks. Really." He says, his words muffled against my neck. He pulls away from me a bit so he can look me in the eyes, "I missed having you around for advice when you were in the Capitol. It's nice having my older sister around again."

"Of course kid." I say ruffling his hair lightly the way I know annoys him so that he might not notice the happy tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm glad I could help out."

He smiles brightly before heading off on the path that leads to town. I watch him go and wonder how in the world I'm twenty-one and my baby brother is twelve. I can't even fathom that Holly is nine and a half now. Where has all that time gone?

I shake my head because there's no real way of answering my question. Time is by far the strangest thing in the world. It goes too slow and too fast all at once and suddenly you're not a child anymore but an adult and you have no idea how you got there.

With this thought fresh in my mind, I make my way upstairs to sit with Holly while she does her schoolwork. Even if she doesn't need me to help, it will just be nice to sit with her and watch the way her face changes while she concentrates on a hard problem. Today I just want to spend as much time as I can with my siblings. I want to take it all in on a day when I've been reminded that they aren't as safe as I'd like to believe; on a day when I might have permanently damaged things with the only other person I love.

My heart aches with anger and longing at the same time when I think of Rowan and his face when I told him not to come to the house tonight. It's all still too fresh. I need time to calm down and think it all through. Things with Rowan will have to wait. For now I need to be with my sister.

**AN:** Ah. Please don't be upset. I know I was angry with myself as I wrote it. Anyway, not a lot of action-y stuff (more drama-y) this time because this part ended up longer than expected. Next chapter will start the action. Big changes my friends; big changes.


	37. Chapter 37- Seeing Red

**AN:** Here we are then. Thank you all for your reviews and alerts and special thanks to my new readers. I'm honored that you took the time to read all 37 parts to catch up with us and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

**Warning:** This part is rated 'M' for a reason. Please feel free to PM me any questions you might have prior to reading and I will answer them for you as best I can.

_**Part 37- Seeing Red**_

Rowan doesn't come to dinner the night of our fight and he doesn't come the next day either. I don't see him at all for the next three days and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. Clearly he's just doing as I asked, giving me room to cool off after our argument and figure things out, but I am bitter at his absence. It seems I just can't be pleased right now no matter what he does, even if it is childish to give him the silent treatment.

Ash doesn't bring Rowan's name up when he's absent from the table, though Holly shoots a sad look at the empty chair. Apparently they've had a talk, and he's informed her that they shouldn't ask about Rowan because she doesn't mention his absence either.

Holly, being nine years old, can only keep her mouth shut about so many things at a time, and three nights after my argument with Rowan, she wears a secretive grin all through dinner. She waits until we've all finished eating before making her secret known.

"Ash asked a _girl_ to the end of the year dance today." She announces a singsong voice.

I arch an eyebrow and wait for his reaction, watching the tips of his ears redden.

"Shut up, Holly!" He grumbles.

"He _likes_ her. She gave him a kiss under the tree in the schoolyard. I saw it." She teases him, giggling and poking him in his ribs.

Ash's entire face blooms red, "I said shut up!" He shoves her shoulder and jumps up from his seat before rushing out the front door.

"Holly," I sigh, "You shouldn't make fun of him like that."

"I was only joking!" She whines, clearly she thinks Ash has overreacted, which he probably has, but it's never easy to gather the courage to talk to one's crush, and I know that approaching this girl was especially daunting for my younger brother.

"I know." I assure her, "Why don't you clean up here and I'll go talk with him?"

She nods and starts clearing the table to wash up the dishes. Ash is chopping wood around the side of the house and I can hear his overzealous blows as soon as I step outside.

"Ash," I say walking into his line of sight as he works, "you know she didn't mean anything by it."

"She was making fun of me." He grumbles, leaning on the ax to look at me.

"She was just joking. You two have joked since the day she was born," I remind him and it's not really an exaggeration. She used to giggle with him when he would play around with her as an infant.

"Well, I don't like her making fun of me with girls." He shrugs and scuffs at the dirt with the toe of his shoe.

"I'll try and explain that to her." I nod before I continue asking, "How did it go?"

He tries to contain a grin that is determined to make an appearance across his face. He's at that age where he doesn't want to seem too excited about anything but he fails pretty miserably at hiding it.

"She said yes." He admits, his eyes sparkling joyously. "I almost chickened out. She was walking home with the butcher's boy but she said hi to me on the way out of school and I just- I did it. I asked her if I could talk with her alone, right there in front of him, and she said I could. Then I just asked her."

He's grinning broadly now, no longer attempting to hide his pride. I smile at his innocence. There really is something special about one's first crush. Linden and I had gone through the same phase, though neither of us had admitted to having crushes. We were too stubborn to admit anything to one another until that night he first kissed me.

"That's wonderful, Ash." I say warmly, "We'll get you a new shirt and pants before the dance."

He nods happily, "She said yes right away. I think she was happy that I asked her."

"Well of course she was happy." I roll my eyes and gather him to me for a hug, reluctant on his part, "Any girl would be lucky to have my little brother's attention."

He groans and wiggles in my arms playfully but I can sense him smiling even though he pretends he doesn't want the contact. He's still my baby brother, even if he pretends he's all grown up.

"You're crushing me." He mumbles and I laugh letting him go after I quickly muss his hair up.

…

The next day, as we walk back from the blacksmith's house who has an ailing wife we've been treating, Juni tells me Rowan is leaving on the afternoon train.

"I know you two had a fight." She bluntly informs me.

"And how would you know that?"

"I heard about what happened in the square the other night, and I heard you took him home. I'm not a fool. I know you both have tempers that could give me a run for my money. I put two and two together- you've been moody as a dog with a burr in his paw for the last few days."

Sometimes I almost hate how well Juni knows me. She can nearly tell how I'm feeling before I even know myself. I sigh and roll my eyes in response.

She clicks her tongue against her teeth, "You'll take the afternoon and go see him off."

"Maybe I don't want to see him." I argue petulantly.

"You do still want your job, don't you?" She counters and I know there's no point in fighting with her. Juni is as stubborn a woman as I've ever met, and once she's set her mind to something I'd be hard pressed to change it.

"I won't have you moping around once he's gone because you didn't make up before he left. You of all people should know how fleeting life can be. I'm surprised you've let it go on for this long."

It's a low blow but she's right and now that she's brought it up I can't let him leave without trying to resolve our argument.

"Fine." I grumble grudgingly.

…

It is because of this conversation that I find myself standing on the train platform a few hours later, only feet away from Rowan, staring awkwardly with my arms folded over my chest in a show of irritation.

He steps over to me hesitantly, a shadow of a smile on his face. Clearly he's more willing to forgive and forget than I am.

"I'm glad you came." He says, looking at me with that same lost look he had on his face all those days ago as I walked out of his house. I can feel my resolve melting at the nearness of him so I stubbornly shake my shoulders, trying to throw off the feeling so I can focus on what I'm here to do. We need to figure out what will happen now- if we can move on from here.

"Juni made me." I tell him flatly.

"Oh." He nods disappointedly, "Well, you don't have to stay if you don't want to. You've done what she told you to."

"I haven't yet. Not really." I reluctantly admit, "She said we should make up."

He chuckles but the laughter doesn't reach his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says and I can see in his eyes he truly is. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping well and there's so much guilt and pain in his gaze that I have to look away, ducking my head to look at our toes.

"You were trying to protect me." I concede and he nods his confirmation as though it were necessary. "I don't agree with your means of doing it but I know you had good intentions."

"It was stupid of me not to tell you. And it was even more stupid to go drink instead of talking with you. Ash is your brother and you should be the one in charge of making decisions about his safety."

I realize that by admitting this, he's starting a game of give and take, making tiny steps towards finding a middle ground in this argument, a simple attempt at bringing us back together.

"You love him too. You love him like he's your own brother. I know that. It's just- it's hard to trust anyone else with his safety."

"I understand why you think you need to be wary. You've all had to live through a lot of bad things, but I promise I won't leave you or try to hurt you. You can trust me to be here for you and Ash and Holly. I want to be a part of your life forever."

Forever.

I can't handle thinking about the implications of that one word right now. But that doesn't really matter at the moment because that sentence added to the look he's leveling at me, breaks me down. I cross the space between us in two strides and his arms are already waiting to catch me, gathering me to him tightly as though he might never let go.

"I'm sorry." I whisper against the soft linen of his shirt.

"I'm sorry too. So sorry, Camellia. We both said and did things we didn't mean." He assures me, "I'm just glad you came before I left. It would have killed me to wait until I got back."

"How long will you be gone?"

"Until the morning of the Reaping." He says dully.

I hate that he has to be away from me in the days leading up to the Games. I know it can't be an easy time for him, just as it's a difficult time for me. Now he'll be in the Capitol, which would only make it that much worse.

"So you'll only be home for one day before you have to go back with the tributes?" I ask.

He nods slowly, "I can't make one of the others mentor. They're worse off than me. I've already volunteered to do it."

I sigh heavily, trying to pull myself closer to him. I'm beginning to regret that I spent the last week ignoring him like a petty child instead of trying to work things out. It will be weeks before we get to spend any time alone with one another. Anger bubbles up in me and the irrational words leap from my mouth before I can stop them.

"Is this how it's always going to be then? You leaving? Going off to the Capitol and letting them do awful things to you just to keep us safe?" I should be mortified at my anger. He's willing to put himself through hell to make sure nothing happens to Ash, and I have the audacity to be angry about it.

Really, I'm angry with Snow and the Capitol, not him, but it sure doesn't sound like it the way I speak now. Rowan seems to understand where my words are coming from though, and he sighs slowly.

"That's the way it has to be, Camellia. What other choice is there?"

I shake my head, trying to think my way out of this, to keep this man, who I love so much, and my family safe. The thought enters my mind and I don't give it a second thought before I voice it.

"We could fight them."

Four words. Four simple words. And yet those four words could be my death sentence if the Capitol is listening now. They know I hate them already, of course, but until now I've never said anything about starting a rebellion. This afternoon, in broad daylight, in a public place, I've committed treason.

"We could, Rowan. There must be a way. You said so yourself that you wanted to." I whisper fervently.

I'm sure I probably sound crazed but I can't help myself. I don't want this to be our life forever. I can't let them keep hurting Rowan because he has the weakness of loving people, like my siblings and me.

Rowan lets out a strained laugh but the laughter doesn't reach his eyes, "Come on, Camellia, you know that's impossible. You were the one who said it first."

And he's right. I did tell him only weeks earlier that fighting would be impossible. Even the thought is absolutely ludicrous- two young adults taking on the Capitol. I had resolutely refused the possibility only a couple weeks ago. But now, when I'm desperate to protect the man I care about from the Capitol, I'm sure there has to be some way. We have to fight back somehow.

He gives me a sad, resigned look. I know he doesn't want to give up on the possibility of fighting but it's unrealistic at this point, as he's about to board a train to the Capitol where he will be forced to do their bidding in an attempt to ensure my brother's safety. He would fight rather than do what he's forced to do, if only there were some hope of winning the battle.

"I hate that you have to go." I murmur, burying my face against his neck and planting a kiss there.

"I know," his arms tighten around me before whispering just louder than a breath, "I'm going to find a way. There must be others who want to fight too. It won't be right away, Camellia, but we will."

He pulls me away to meet my gaze with his own. His eyes are dark and dead serious, "We will fight them. I promise you that."

I don't give a second's thought before my lips are sliding desperately over his. I'm sure it's foolish to try and fight the Capitol, but we have to try. I'm scared nonetheless though, and so very, very in love with the man I'm kissing now.

I don't know how long the kiss lasts. It seems like an eternity and yet it's not long enough. The train whistle pierces the air, bringing us back to reality, breathless and flushed cheeks. I give him one last chaste kiss before taking a step back.

"I love you." He murmurs, eyes still clouded with our kisses as he steps back toward the train whose doors are beginning to close.

"I know." I reply, following him up to the stairs of the train car, "I love you too, Rowan."

…

"So what colors do you think you want to wear?" I ask my younger brother as we walk into town on a balmy spring afternoon several days after Rowan's departure for the Capitol.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it." Ash shrugs then his eyes widen, "Does it matter?"

I laugh and mess his curls with my hand, "Do you know what Dahlia is going to wear?"

"Am I supposed to?" He asks with a panicked voice as he looks around, waiting for someone to divulge to him what his date will be wearing. It's all I can do not to chuckle at his reaction. He's been completely wound up ever since Dahlia said yes. He squints into the bright sun, watching Holly skipping happily several paces in front of us.

"I don't think my stomach will ever feel settled again." He admits, just louder than a whisper.

I put an arm around his shoulders a squeeze lightly, "Try not to be nervous, Ash. Just be yourself with her, obviously she likes you as you or otherwise she wouldn't have agreed to go to the dance with you."

"Yeah." He mumbles, sounding somewhat reluctant to agree, as we step into the village square.

A flurry of activity is taking place on the far north side and it only takes me a moment to realize what's going on. They're setting up the screens for the Reaping. It's only a three days away now and my stomach churns of its own accord, as if I needed to be reminded that this year I should be nervous. This year is Ash's first Reaping. For a moment I think I might be sick but I breathe deeply to calm myself down again.

Ash's shoulders lean into me ever so slightly and I know he must be thinking about it too. I tighten my arm around him instinctively and a tiny voice starts nagging in the back of my mind again as it has started doing ever since Rowan left. I shake it off stubbornly as we enter the tailor's shop, now is not the time for such thoughts.

It's several painfully indecisive hours later by the time we leave the shop with a new shirt and pants for Ash. With the help of the cheerful young apprentice in the shop, Ash chose a soft yellow shirt. It had taken almost a half hour of convincing him that the color made him look handsome and much older before my younger brother agreed that it was the best choice. The apprentice had also recommended beige dress slacks, which Ash had agreed to much more readily.

That night, as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, the same nagging voice returns, reminding me that Ash's name will be in the bowl once this year. Only once, I try to tell myself. That's only one chance for him to be chosen. But one chance is one chance too many, I admit in the back of my mind.

I want to get out of bed, perhaps pace around downstairs until I'm too tired to stand anymore. I can't put up with these thoughts in my head but I can't stop them either. The fear eats away at me but I can't bring myself to move. I'm paralyzed at the thought of losing my little brother.

I don't sleep that night, instead lying there in terror until the sun rises and pushes the horrific thoughts to the back of my mind. I drag myself out of bed and ready for work as Ash and Holly wake up for school.

Holly flits about the room, positively glowing with excitement about the dance today, as I set out breakfast. She grins and spins her way over to the table before perching lightly on her chair and munching contentedly on her toast.

Ash ambles downstairs just before we need to leave, cheeks already flushed pink and hands in his pockets.

"I look stupid." He mumbles, gazing at the toes of his shoes.

"You do not!" Holly argues from her seat at the table, "You look really pretty."

Ash's face flushes even redder and I do my best to hide a smile.

"Not pretty, Holly." I correct her and Ash looks up hopefully, "You look very handsome, Ash."

He ducks his head again but I just barely catch the corners of his lips turning up in a smile as he scuffs the floor with his shoe.

"Really?" He questions softly.

"Yes!" Holly replies firmly, leaving no room for argument.

This seems to improve his mood and he quickly digs into breakfast, taking care not to dirty his shirt as he does.

After I arrive home from work, the house is still dark and silent. Normally Holly and Ash are home long before me, but the dance runs late after school so today I'm alone. I fumble around in the kitchen for a while as I make dinner, setting aside two plates for when they arrive home from their dance. Ash agreed to walk Holly home so I have nothing to do besides wait and think. The house is too quiet without them here and without Rowan around. It lets my mind wander too far.

Before I realize what I'm doing I've gone upstairs and pulled out three old, linen bags. I glare down at them as though they've offended me personally. I shouldn't do this, I know. I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but I can't help myself right now. My mind is lost in some strange and terrifying place and there is nothing to distract me from it.

I start packing the few important possessions I own; Linden's engagement ring, the photo of my parents, the necklace that Rowan carved for me when I first came home to my family. I gather my clothing next, as much as the bag can carry.

I move to Holly's dresser next and end with Ash's. I do all of this without ever fully admitting to myself what the back of my mind is thinking. It's not until I sit down in the center of my bed with the three stuffed bags around me that I whisper it so quietly I'm not sure I've even said it out loud.

"We could run."

All afternoon my mind has been imagining the Reaping, imagining Ash's name being chosen. It has envisioned my last words with him in the Justice Building and watching his terrified face on the giant screens as the countdown to the start of The Hunger Games begin.

I can't let that happen. I can't watch my baby brother die the same way that Linden did. The thought makes me sick. I run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach. I stay there for a while, resting my cheek against the cool porcelain of the toilet.

We could run. We know the woods. We could do it. But my mind is its own worst enemy because just as soon as these thoughts are formed it starts arguing with itself. We could be caught. What would they do to a family who ran from the Reaping? A simple death seems too kind and Snow wouldn't miss an opportunity to make an example of us, I'm sure. And what about Rowan? He's not here and we would have to leave him behind. I wouldn't be able to leave word about where we'd gone. We might not ever see him again. My chest throbs, taking my breath away at the thought. What if Snow punishes him?

I'm still arguing with myself when I hear the door swing on its hinges downstairs. I wash my face quickly and hurry down to meet the.

Holly is still in a joyous mood and doesn't stop talking for a moment as she eats. I wonder how she manages to breathe between all the stories. Ash is silent by contrast, seemingly caught up in his own thoughts about the night.

It's not until I've ushered Holly upstairs for bed and return to clean up that Ash finally speaks up. He clears his throat loudly and, when I turn to look at him from the plate I'm washing, he's grinning ear-to-ear.

I can't help the smile that breaks out across my own face, despite all my worries, "What is it?"

"How-" He starts but his voice cracks and he clears his throat before starting again, "How did you know when you were first in love with Linden?"

My eyes widen in surprise. I hadn't expected that to be his question. I suppose he is only about a week away from being thirteen but he still seems too young to be asking about something like this.

"I don't know." I murmur, at a loss for words, "It's hard to explain, Ash. I just knew. He just felt right."

"What about with Rowan?" He questions softly, still smiling contentedly.

I give a surprised laugh, "I never told you I was in love with Rowan, Ash."

He rolls his eyes, "I know you are. It's obvious. Ever since he came home last time-"

He trails off to my laughter again.

"I just did." I admit, "I think you just know."

He blushes and looks down at his hands before quietly admitting, "I think I'm in love with Dahlia."

"Really?" I ask incredulously, unable to think of anything better to say.

He nods, "I kissed her- really kissed her. It was-" He sighs contentedly and waits a moment before finishing, "It was perfect."

I smile half-heartedly as my heart throbs. He can't be in love. He shouldn't even have a crush because two days from now he might have his heart broken. Dahila's name could be pulled from the Reaping bowl.

"I'm going to go to bed." He informs me and as he walks away it looks as though he'd walking on a cloud, dazed and in a world all his own.

When I return to my room later that night, I shove the bags under my bed. I still haven't decided whether to unpack them or not. I don't want to think about them or the Reaping. I don't want to think about how Ash is in danger. I don't want to think about anything. I only want to sleep. I can't even do that though as I turn restlessly through another night and watch the sun rise the next morning.

"Camellia, where are all my clothes?" Ash asks as he comes downstairs in a particularly worn outfit, one of the few I left in his drawers.

"Oh, I took them all out last night." I say evasively.

He gives me an odd look, "Why?"

"I- I wanted to," I shrug as I try to make up a believable lie, "I wanted to check them all for any mending they might need."

It's a pathetic lie, really, but he shrugs it off either way, still in too good of a mood from last night to interrogate me.

"I'm going out to set some snares today and then I wanted to go play a game of ball with some of the other boys." He informs me. I nod and make him up something to eat for lunch since I know he won't take the time to stop home between the two activities.

I spend most of the day with Holly out near the lake. She had begged me in the morning to go swimming and I had relented without much convincing. It helps to be out of the house with my mind busy but several times I find my thoughts drifting to the three bags underneath my bed. Should we run? Can I leave Rowan for my family's safety? Surely he'd be safer without us too. He would be able to refuse the Capitol. I take a ragged breath, a stabbing sensation starts in my chest at the impossible decision I'm trying to make.

A wave of water crashing over my face brings me back, "Hey!" I shout splashing back at Holly who is giggling in the water a few feet away. She's a very good swimmer, even better than me despite having less practice.

"You were gone again." She says.

I frown, "What do you mean gone?" I question, slowly making my way closer to her.

"You were gone to wherever you go. You had that funny look on your face like your head was somewhere else." She informs me with a smile.

I had been somewhere else, of course, but I hate that it's so obvious that my baby sister can notice it. So instead of addressing the situation I put a hand on her head and firmly push her under the water. She surfaces a moment later sputtering and laughing with a shriek as she lunges at me to return the favor.

It's several hours later before we find our way to the banks of the water and start to dry off in the late afternoon sun before starting the walk home. She sighs contentedly beside me and turns her head so her wide green eyes focus on me.

"I'm scared." She says so matter-of-factly that I would have thought she was telling me about the weather.

I frown, "Why are you afraid, Holly?"

"What if Ash gets picked?" She questions, her voice trembling ever so slightly, so different from her typically lighthearted chatter.

"He won't, Holly." I say softly, trying my best to convince myself along with her.

"Are you sure?"

"His name will only be one in hundreds." I respond, because I can't promise her that his name won't be drawn. A shiver runs up my spine.

She shuffles over so her small body is pressed up against my own and cuddles into my side.

"I don't want our family to change." She murmurs, "I like us like this. You, me, Ash…" She trails off and I think she might have fallen asleep after our long day of swimming but she sighs a moment later.

"Can Rowan be part of our family too?" She asks, hesitantly saying his name, still worried that I might be fighting with him. I never told my siblings that we had made up just before his train left.

I bury my nose in her hair and take a deep breath, "I think he's been part of our family for a long time. Don't you?"

She nods against my chest, "Are you going to marry him?"

My heart skips a beat.

"I don't know Holly."

Rowan and I have never even approached the topic. And here I am, spending the day wondering if I can leave him behind. How could I even think about it if I really loved him enough to marry him? It's impossible of course. He has an image the Capitol demands he maintain and that doesn't include a wife.

"I think you should." She says sleepily as she begins to doze off, leaving me with the complicated thoughts about love and how I can possibly choose between my brother's safety and leaving the man I am in love with.

…

I'm sitting alone on the porch two nights later, rocking gently in the chair Holly and Ash made for me. They just went up to bed and I'm trying to enjoy the slight breeze that plays at the loose strands of hair around my face. The cicadas hum loudly in the trees and are serenaded by a chorus of crickets.

Tonight could be perfect. It would be, if only the Reaping wasn't tomorrow and Rowan was sitting next to me. The cicadas can't keep the thoughts from my mind, going around in circles, debating whether I should try and run with my siblings or stay and hope nothing bad happens.

I can't run though, my mind finally decides. The fences surround the district so we would be confined to the woods here. Even if we hid up in the mountains, we would be caught for sure and we can't leave Rowan behind to suffer whatever wrath might wait. No. Ash's name is only in the bowl once. There's no way he'll be chosen. For once, the odds are actually in our favor.

My mind is so distracted by these thoughts that it isn't until I hear crunching footsteps along the path in front of the house that I startle back to reality and look up, squinting toward the source of the sound. Two, white-clad figures wander into sight, glowing in the moonlight. Peacekeepers. My muscles tense and I stand as they walk up to the porch.

"Miss Goldenlarch?" One of the men inquires with a slight accent indicating he hails from somewhere other than seven.

I don't recognize either of the men but it doesn't surprise me since a train arrived last week, bringing in new peacekeepers to monitor the district more closely during the Games. I think a part of Snow is always worried that the districts might finally snap and try to fight back as they watch their children get murdered. Nothing ever happens though.

"Yes." I answer, trying to keep the edge of suspicion from my voice.

"We just wanted to have a little talk with you." The other slurs, his voice carrying that all too familiar Capitol accent. I sniff the air just as a breeze brushes by and I catch it. I can't believe I didn't smell it the second they got here- they reek of alcohol.

"I wasn't aware that Peacekeepers are paid to talk with district citizens. I thought your duties ended with enforcing the peace."

The first man chuckles, "You have a sharp little tongue. I thought Capitol whores were taught to be silent."

I take in a sharp breath at the insult but I don't say anything. Any angry remarks will only incite punishment.

"Maybe that's why they sent her back." The second man leers. "She couldn't keep her pretty little mouth shut while they fucked her."

"I think you'll like this talk, dearie." The first man says with a terrifying grin. I remain frozen and silent as I wait for him to continue, which he seems all too eager to do. "You know why your little boyfriend went back to the Capitol?" He asks wiggling an eyebrow at me.

"They called him back for some pre-Games business." I state curtly, trying not to let the panic show through.

"Sure they did." He replies with a sharp laugh, "It's convenient- him out of the way so we can be here with you tonight. You know, your little brother up there sleeping is turning twelve this year, isn't he?"

Of course I know Ash is twelve this year. I'm his sister. But a chill runs through my veins when he asks the question and all I can manage is a nod in reply.

"Well I have it on good authority that his name will be the only one in that bowl this year. Or the only one they'll be calling anyway." He says with a rolling laugh.

My stomach lurches and I grab the porch railing for support as I try to remember to breathe. I can't speak. I can't even think what his words must mean. It's impossible. They make no sense. Ash's name is only in once. These men can't know whose name will be called and they certainly can't be sure it will be my brother's.

"Imagine how much the Capitol would love that story. They love you _Miss_ Goldenlarch. Your story would be the most tragic one in Panem. First your parents killed, then your fiancée, and now your kid brother. No one would dare question the Capitol's authority after your pathetic life." He spits.

"You're making that all up." I blurt out furiously, shaking my head fervently, "Ash's name will only be in that Reaping bowl once. They won't choose him-"

"The Capitol will do whatever it wants and your little brother's name getting pulled will make for great television." The second man, who's been silent during this entire exchange, cuts in. "We might be able to help though, dearie." He says too slowly, taking an unsteady step forward and running a hand down my arm as the other reaches for my waist.

I step back sharply, causing him to stumble into the stairs. He grumbles nasty words under his breath but I'm already staring back at the other man.

"Get away from me! I don't want your help!"

The panic in my voice is clear now. My mind can't keep up with what's happening. They're threatening Ash. He's not safe. And now they're advancing on me even as I try to back away.

The second peacekeeper grabs a hold of my arm before I can react, his fingers biting into the skin there. I'm sure there will be bruises there in the morning but I can't be bothered to care as he presses his body into mine and his lips find my ear.

"We weren't _asking_ if you wanted the help, pretty." He whispers, his tone deadly and his breath hot. I shudder in disgust and try to twist out of his grasp.

Everything starts to move too fast as he yanks me roughly from the porch and throws me to the ground. His body seems to slither over mine, pinning me hopelessly to the ground under his weight. The first man, after regaining his composure, joins him.

They're grabbing, touching places they shouldn't. Places I don't want them to. I close my eyes and realize this nightmare is happening all over again. It's just like that first night. It's just like Milo is still here, hurting me.

His face flashes across my mind, laughing. Laughing because he still has power over me even after all this time. Laughing because it's happening again. Laughing because I'll never be free of this.

I take in a sharp breath as a hand reaches under the waistband of my pants. I want to scream but I can't. Ash and Holly are asleep upstairs. They can't see this. The smell of alcohol is heavy in the air, like a cloud around me. I close my eyes tightly against their leering faces, lips parted in grotesque anticipation of what is coming. With their faces shut out, my thoughts start to float more clearly across my mind, as though I've frozen the world and nothing bad is happening. Some tiny, quiet voice whispers the thought at first but my mind keeps repeating it until it is screaming in my mind.

This time is different. This time I'm not hazy with alcohol. This time the men are drunk and I'm not. Tonight I can be stronger than they are. The voice keeps chanting these words over and over.

The anger comes out of nowhere. I've heard people see red sometimes when fury overcomes them but that's not the case with me. When I open my eyes again, I can see everything crystal clear. I can see that the two men, in their excitement, have left my hands unguarded. If I move quickly enough, I can roll to my right to get out from under their reach. Then I can run.

As hands start to pull my shirt up over my head, I make my move, quickly turning away from them and finding my footing. My eyes alight on the wood splitting log; just over there is the ax Ash uses. I must run to it, though I don't remember deciding to because suddenly I'm pulling the ax from where it rests and turning to face my attackers.

They're running after me and I can see in their faces that they don't realize what's about to happen yet, still too distracted by their lust. I'm not even sure I'm aware of my plan until, just as the first man reaches me, I swing right into his neck. It's not nearly enough to take his head off, I'm not strong enough for that, but the amount of blood pouring from his neck tells me it will only be moments before he's dead.

I watch the terror register on the second man's face and he turns to run away before he ever reaches me. He thinks if he doesn't get close enough, my axe can't reach him but he's wrong. I've never been a good shot but tonight I feel different. I know that I won't miss. I swing my arm forward and send the weapon flying through the air. It makes a soft thud as it connects with the dense bone of his spine. I have never hit a target so accurately in my life.

I realize that I'm breathing, fast and heavy and notice the wet chill on my arms and hands. I look down and see blood spattered all over the front of my body- from the first man obviously.

Something in me breaks loose at the sight of it and I fall to my knees as the world starts to spin. I vomit on the grass next to the man whose blood is still pooling around him staining the grass black in the moonlight. For a few moments I stare, watching the blood trickle slowly down the white fabric of his uniform. I take a shuddering breath and heave again but there's nothing left in my stomach.

When I look up again at the two dead bodies lying in the yard, my blood turns to ice. What have I just done? All the anger is gone now, replaced by a rush terror. I've just killed two peacekeepers. I have nowhere to run; fences surround the district. It's only a matter of time before I'm caught and killed myself.

What am I going to do?

The question repeats in my mind as I rub my bloody hands over my thighs, staining my pants crimson.

What do I do now? How do we escape?


	38. Chapter 38- Sanctuary

**AN:** Gosh, I don't write real cliffhangers often, lucky for you all! Sorry to keep you waiting but this part took several pretty major rewrites and I wanted to get it right since such a big change is happening! Thank you all again for your reviews- I didn't realize there was such a strong love for Ash but I assure you he would appreciate it. So without further ado- chapter 38!

_Note__: _There is a long and (relatively) important **AN** at the end that I would like to hear your opinions on so please read it!

_Part 38- Sanctuary_

_ I walk through the forest, humming quietly to myself as I watch the trees above me sway in the breeze. This forest is deeper than the ones father and I usually gather in. It's just about as far up on the mountains as we can go before we hit the fence that surrounds the district. _

_ "Camellia, come here." My father calls from a distance in front of me._

_ I skip forward and smile up at him once I reach his side. He smiles back for a brief moment but then turns serious._

_ "Camellia, do you see this fence?" He asks pointing at the electrified wires in front of me. I nod, smiling a little to myself because dad is being silly. How could I not see such a tall fence separating us from the rest of the forest?_

_ "Close your eyes and listen for a minute, sweetie." He says and I do, "Tell me what you hear."_

_ I frown, unsure of how I should describe the sounds._

_ "I hear the wind in the trees."_

_ "And?"_

_ "And- and buzzing. But different from the bees." I say, doing my best to describe the foreign noise. I've never heard a sound like it in the forest before._

_ "That's very good, Camellia." He praises and I open my eyes to see him smiling proudly, "You're so very smart, sweetheart."_

_ "That buzzing noise is coming from this fence because there is electricity running through it. You don't ever want to touch it while it's buzzing like that." He explains._

_ I nod dutifully, looking up at him in awe. He always amazed me with his wisdom about almost anything._

_ "Why don't I want to touch it?" I question out of curiosity._

_ Father nods slowly, thinking to himself with his lips pursed tightly like he always does. He grabs an acorn from the ground and throws it so it hits one of the wires. There's a loud popping noise that makes me jump and father picks up the blackened acorn from the ground._

_ "That's why." He says, holding the small object out in front of me, "It's like in the winter when you get shocked on the doorknobs only it hurts much, much worse. It can kill you."_

_ I frown again, creases forming in my brow because dad doesn't usually speak so seriously with me. Normally all his lessons are in silly stories or happy songs. Something is different about today. _

_ "But there's a trick to getting over it even while the power is on. Do you want to know it?" He asks with a twinkle in his eyes. He knows my answer before I say it._

_ "Yes!"_

_ "Of course you do, that's my girl." He says, thumping me on the shoulder, "You're so brave, my little flower. Come closer here and I'll show you." _

_ I let him lead me closer to the fence even though I really would rather stay away from it now that I know it could kill me. _

_ "All you have to do, Camellia, is jump up onto it. You have to jump though. If you don't jump and you just start climbing, you'll get shocked because the power will run through you into the ground. If you jump though, you won't feel the power run through you from wire to wire." He notices the furrows that have formed between my eyebrows and chuckles._

_ "You said never to touch it." I state firmly, thinking he's testing me on our earlier lesson."_

_ He nods in that slow, thoughtful way again, "I did say that but you won't touch it until your feet are off the ground after you jump onto it."_

_ I must still look thoroughly unconvinced because he chuckles and messes my hair under his hand._

_ "Here, I'll show you." He says and steps up. _

_ He takes a leap at the fence and I let out a shriek. But before the echoes of my scream have a chance to die down, he's grabbed onto one wire and lowered his feet to another. I wait for him to cry in pain and be thrown back from the fence, unconscious, or worse- dead, but instead he turns to me and smiles again._

_ "That's all you have to do, Camellia." He says excitedly, "Now you come here and try."_

_ My eyes bulge in fear and I shake my head but he keeps telling me to "just try it." I give in without too much work. I always want to make him proud of me._

_ I step as close to the fence as I dare and then leap up. I grab a wire and my feet find purchase on the wire just a foot above the ground. A tiny squeal peals out from my throat as I wait for certain death, but when I open my eyes, dad is smiling down at me, and I'm still very much alive._

_ "Good! Very good, sweetheart!" He exclaims. "Now, if you ever want walnuts from the other side of this fence, you can just climb over and get some."_

_ "Why wouldn't I just get them from the trees in the district?" I ask, hanging next to him._

_ He gives a small smile, "You never know when you might need to look outside the fence, sweetheart. Just make sure you don't tell your mother about this okay?"_

_ I nod, knowing my mother would be furious at us playing with something so dangerous, "How do we get down?" I ask._

_ "You just jump back off." He replies with a chuckle as he pushes off from the wires and rolls onto the ground below. I smile and do the same. He rolls over to me and tickles my sides playfully and I squeal, trying to push away from his reach._

_ "I love you, Camellia." He says before we walk back home in the setting sun._

_ "I love you too, Daddy."_

The memory hits me head on, practically knocking the air out of my lungs. I had been about nine the day that my father took me up into the mountains to see the fence. I haven't thought about that day in years since we had only gone that far out once and I had never visited the fence again. At the time, I had thought that he taught me all this just for the walnuts, but now, with two dead bodies laying in front of me, I'm beginning to doubt that.

Mother always told father that he worried about the future too much. That it did as much good as rocking in a rocking chair. His worry about the fragility of the future was why he had saved money all those years while I had signed up for tesserae. He had been so afraid that something might happen to them, leaving us orphaned- and he had been right.

That day he took me to the fence, he must have been worried that something terrible might happen, leaving me with no other option but to flee from the district. He was right again. I didn't know how he came to have the knowledge of how to safely climb the fence, and now I never will because that secret died with him. But tonight, as I watch the way the moonlight glints off grass dyed crimson by the peacekeepers' blood, I cannot be thankful enough for the memory.

We have to run.

I spent the last week worried about Ash and the Reaping. I decided not to try and run because I couldn't leave Rowan and I didn't know how to escape the district.

Everything changed when I threw that axe though. Now, if I don't want to hang for the murder of two peacekeepers, we have no choice but to run. I know how to get out.

My mind starts clicking away as I slowly stand and step over the bodies of the peacekeepers, making my way back into the house. I know what I need to do.

I numbly make my way upstairs, pulling out the three bags that I had packed earlier this week. I know I should feel something, fear or anger or disgust, but I don't feel anything. I only know what we need to do and that we need to do it quickly.

I make my way to Ash and Holly's room, the bags swishing loudly against one another. The noise is enough to wake Ash from his perpetually light sleep and he starts to grumble at me in annoyance, pulling the covers over his head.

"Ash, you need to get up, now." I order, throwing his bag down on the foot of his bed.

"Why?" He mumbles, sitting up and running a hand sleepily over his eyes, "What's this?" He asks nodding toward the bag.

"It's all your clothes." I explain, my words coming out flat and staccato.

He frowns and moves to unzip the bag, letting out a surprised sound when he sees that I've told him the truth.

"Why?" He asks incredulously, looking up at me for the first time. His eyes widen.

"Camellia, what happened?" His voice is rife with panic.

I look down at my clothing and arms and remember with detached interest that I'm covered in blood. It's dried now, crusting my hands and filling in the cracks in my skin. If I didn't know it was someone else's blood, I'm sure it would be a heart stopping sight.

"It's not my blood, Ash." I explain shortly. I think momentarily about going to wash it off but there's really no time for that and good appearances are not necessary where we're going. Every moment needs to be used to get us as far away from this district as possible.

"Holly," I call, moving over to shake her awake, "Come on Holly. We need to get up and go for a walk."

"Not your blood. A walk." Ash repeats, sounding completely awake and horrified, "Are you crazy? What the hell is going on, Camellia?"

"There was an accident. We have to go. We're leaving the district." I state firmly as Holly sits up in bed.

"Are you okay, Camellia?" She asks, voice still heavy with sleep and eyes hardly opened. She was always the more difficult of the two to wake but she is compliant enough as I help her dress as quickly as possible. Unlike Ash, she doesn't question or argue, which I am silently thankful for.

Eventually Ash gets out of bed and throws on an old sweater and pants but he's still freaked out. I can see him watching me from the corner of my eyes as though I've completely gone insane. And maybe I have. I know I shouldn't be this levelheaded. I should be panicked or crying or… something. I shouldn't feel this numb.

"We're seriously leaving the district?" Ash demands, as he pulls on shoes while I jam Holly's feet into hers. "Are you insane? Camellia, what happened?"

"Not now, Ash." I say, the words firm and detached, leaving no room for argument, "I just need you to trust me on this. We're leaving."

I grab Holly's bag and situate it over her shoulders so that she can carry the weight before I pull my own on. Ash does the same a moment later and I grab Holly's hand, heading downstairs with Ash trailing silently behind us.

As we walk through the kitchen, I pause and make a split decision to raid the drawers for the three knives we have. I put them on top of my clothing and re-zip my bag before taking the lead again.

"Holly, I want you to close your eyes." I order as we reach the door, "I'll take your hand and lead you. I'll tell you when to open them." She complies silently, still half asleep. She probably thinks this is all a dream and that's just as well, really.

"Ash, just look at the tree line, okay. Just look straight ahead, nowhere else, until we're in the forests, do you understand?"

He nods, but as we walk through the yard, I know he hasn't listened to me. I hear him suck in a breath and start to gag and cough.

"Damn it, Ash!" I mutter, grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him to walk forward as he gags again.

"Camellia, what happened?" He demands too loudly for my comfort. I glance around but there's no one else out here. No one will notice the peacekeepers' absence until the morning.

"Just keep moving, Ash!" I order, yanking Holly behind me. "I'll explain later, but for right now we just need to keep moving." As we walk, the moonlight catches the axe, still lodged in the back of the second Peacekeeper. I grab it and in one smooth motion, yank it from the corpse as we walk. I use my shirt to wipe the blade clean as we walk before sliding it into the bag as well.

Ash stares at me for a while after he watches me do this and I get the impression that I've turned into some sort of monster from the look on his face. I don't acknowledge it though, now is not the time. Once we're out of the district, I can talk to him and answer all of his questions.

We make quick time and as we step onto the foothills, we cross a small stream near the lake Holly and I had swam only days before. I haphazardly wash off my hands and arms. Not all of it comes off but it's enough to make me feel a bit better. My clothes are beyond repair but at least my hands won't leave blood on the fence once we get there. Holly is beginning to wake up now and looks around curiously.

"Why are we walking all this way at night? I thought it was dangerous in the woods at night." She asks but doesn't slow her pace beside me.

"We just need to get out. It's going to be an adventure, Holly." I explain, trying to sound excited about it. "We're going to go over the fence and live in the woods. Father taught me how to do it once and now I'm going to teach you both."

"What?" Ash demands, sounding petrified. "That fence is electric, Camellia. Are you crazy?"

It's the second time that he's asked me that since I woke him and I don't answer his question because, honestly, I think I might be going insane. There's a man in town that went mad a few years back. He had some sort of infection that affected his brain and he was never himself again after it. He walks around on most days, staring aimlessly as people walk by. I have a purpose right now but I know I must have the same look about me as he always did- wide eyed and confused- as I hurry along my journey.

"It's safe to climb if you know how to do it. Trust me, Ash." I say firmly. He doesn't reply to this but he continues to follow which I suppose indicates some form of trust. It's as good an answer as I'll get tonight, I think.

The moon has set by the time we reach the fence and I can tell that the black sky is beginning to lighten with dawn. We only have a few more hours, tops, before they discover the bodies of the peacekeepers and start hunting for me. We've made good progress but I want to get over the fence and hidden somewhere before hovercrafts start sweeping the area.

"How are we going to get over this, Camellia?" Ash demands as he stares up at the towering obstacle before us. "This is insane."

"We have to jump onto it. As long as you don't touch the ground while you touch the wire, you won't get shocked." I explain briefly and then jump because I know my brother and I know he'll never believe me until he sees it done, no matter what explanations I give him.

"No!" Ash shouts, much the same way I did when my father showed me. And much like that memory, I'm safely on the fence before the echoes die down.

"Oh." Holly murmurs but I can hear the excitement in her voice. She does find this to be quite and adventure.

"Just jump up here." I encourage.

Holly hesitates for only a moment before she is hanging from a lower wire, her feet about two feet off the ground. She climbs up a few so that she's even with me and then looks down at Ash.

"Come on, Ash!" She calls, "It's okay. It doesn't hurt. It's easier than climbing trees."

He takes a step forward but is still hesitating.

"Ash!" I command, "Do it now! We have to hurry."

Anger flashes across his face but he complies, shouting as he grabs onto the wires. He looks at his hands, in shock that he's still alive, and soon we're climbing over the top of the fence.

Luckily all of us have been raised climbing trees because the fence is at least twenty feet high, which is a long way to fall if you're afraid and you let your mind think about it. It's a long enough fall that it could kill a person and under any other circumstance I would be yelling at my younger siblings for climbing so high but I need to get my family safe. This is the only way. Once we get closer to the ground on the other side, I jump off the fence and my siblings quickly follow my example.

No one says a word as I lead us into unknown territory. Ash is jumpy and constantly turns to look behind him. He is old enough and experienced enough in the woods to know that we are now potential prey for large animals that the fence would normally keep us safe from- bears, wolves, wildcats. The knives and axe could take out most things if wielded properly, but I am not sure they would do much against the massive brown bears we learned about in school.

A few hours after the sunrise, I spot a small overhanging of rock. It's not really a cave but it will give us enough coverage to hide if a hovercraft flew overhead and there's a stream nearby as well.

"We'll stop here for now and sleep." I say, leading us under the mossy, grey rocks.

"How long are we staying on the adventure?" Holly asks, clearly exhausted.

"A while longer." I say, attempting a tight smile before adding, "Go to sleep now, Holly."

She does without argument and within moments of lying down, her breathing evens out as she floats off into slumber. I'm not really sure how I'm going to break it to her that we're never going home.

I move over to the tiny stream that babbles softly, just down the hill from our camp. The water is cool and fresh as I scrub at the grime and blood. I don't know how long I sit there, scrubbing at a patch of skin on my palm where the blood just won't seem to wash away. I'm so intent on my washing that I don't hear Ash walk up behind me, even with the thick layer of leaves on the forest floor.

"What the hell is going on, Camellia?" He asks softly but I still jump as I turn around. He looks so much older than twelve, his face clouded with anger and fear and confusion; so many emotions that I can't even put a name to them all. I know a moment after looking at him that I've failed him. I couldn't protect him from everything. He's lost his childhood too soon.

He frowns when I don't answer him and demands more fiercely, "What were those peacekeepers doing at our house in the middle of the night?"

"They wanted to hurt us Ash." I snap, turning back to wash the blood off my arms. I notice how strange it looks as the blood washes away downstream, almost like smoke does when it rises in the wind.

"What do you mean?" He asks, failing miserably to mask the hysteria and anger in his voice.

"They told me things, okay, Ash?"

I know I'm being short with him but I can't seem to find any compassion or warmth in me right now. My body is sore and my mind is reeling and I can't feel anything. Even as I scrub harder into my skin, there's nothing- no pain, no irritation, nothing.

"What kind of things?" He asks and I shake my head, scrubbing harder.

"Camellia!" He steps into the stream and grabs my hands, "What kind of things?"

"What are you doing?" I shout, tugging my hands away from him. He's too young and small still to keep a hold on me when I don't want him to and my hands are slick with water.

"I want to know what happened, Camellia!" He shouts back just as loudly, his eyes flashing with a hatred I hadn't noticed before.

"I want answers and you're just sitting here scrubbing your hands like, like a crazy-"

"They were going to kill you!" I shout, ending whatever it was he was going to say. He frowns but I don't wait for him to speak, "They were going to fix the Reaping so that your name would be pulled."

"But- but they couldn't…" He stammers, as he stumbles back into the water like I just punched him.

"Oh." I give a bitter, barking laugh, "They could, Ash. And they were going to. The Capitol can do _whatever_ it wants _whenever_ it wants. You can't really understand because you've never been there, but they are terrible people and they will stop at _nothing_ to get entertainment- and that's exactly what your death would be to them."

The fervor in my voice sounds so unlike me. Ash looks terrified, his face as pale as fresh winter snow. I don't blame him because I know my words would be enough to scare me if I wasn't half out of my mind and completely numb. Why can't I feel? What's wrong with me?

"But- wh- why? Why did you kill them? What were you thinking?" He asks flatly with a completely shell shocked gaze.

"What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking, Ash." I spit venomously, his eyes are wide and glassy with tears, but I can't find it in me to care at the moment. "I was thinking that I wasn't about to let some disgusting, drunk peacekeepers hurt me. Not again. Because, I'm not weak. I'm not going to let anyone hurt me like that again." I mumble the last words bitterly, plunging my trembling hands back into the water to distract me from the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"They attacked you?" He asks in shock. Of course he knows that peacekeepers aren't the most honorable people in the district but he's never heard of them actively seeking out prey. Normally the worst they do is just hang around the lumberyards and wait for girls to come and sell themselves or administer the occasional whipping.

"It doesn't matter. They're dead now." I state dully. I feel so frozen it's strange. I know I should feel sad, or at least guilty, or maybe even relieved but I don't. I can't feel anything. The next words flow from my mouth of their own accord.

"We can never go back."

His gaze hardens at my words. Of course, he knew this, but hearing the words out loud is like a smack to the face.

We're alone, so completely alone and that thought is the only one that really strikes a deep dread in my heart. I've always had someone to help me, but outside the fence, there is no one else.

"Well, we can't live out here forever." Ash argues.

"Where do you think we should go then, Ash?" I question, exasperation heavy in my tone.

"I don't know!" He shouts defensively, "But what are we going to do- just live the rest of our lives out in the woods? Just the three of us? What about everyone else? Dahlia is still back there! What about Rowan-"

"Shut-up!" I scream, slamming my hands over my ears and screwing my eyes tightly shut, unable to take in any more.

After a long, silent pause the leaves around me shift and Ash's hand slides gently over my back. I don't know how long I stay like that, completely closed off from the world as Ash tries to soothe me, as I have done so many times for him. Eventually, I let my hands fall back into my lap and look up at my younger brother.

His gaze is softer this time, and concerned as he watches me hesitantly. When I don't move or speak, he moves closer to me, fitting his body close to mine like he used to do as a toddler, when we were just children and our parents were still alive. When we were all still whole, and innocent, and safe.

"I'm sorry, Camellia." He whispers and I let my head relax on his shoulder. I don't know whether he's apologizing for his earlier anger or for sending me into a frenzy or that those peacekeepers attacked me. But right now I don't have the energy to ask which it is.

"Let's just get some rest." I sigh, standing and brushing the leaves off the seat of my pants. "We'll have to keep moving if we don't want to be caught."

"You think they'll look for us?" He asks as we make our way back up the hill.

"I think they'll hunt us, Ash." I state flatly, "They'll want to make an example of us."

We both settle down under the rocks next to Holly who is still deep in sleep, murmuring something to herself that I can't make out. Even after Ash's breathing evens out, I stare up at the rocks for a long time, watching some green beetle walk along a ridge between two of the massive stones. I close my eyes and I see blood, seeping into the grass near my feet, covering my limbs, oozing from the gaping wound in the peacekeeper's neck.

…

"Camellia."

Birds call from trees overhead and I can feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin as it pours through the trees.

"Camellia, sweetheart." His words tickle my ear as he whispers them to me, "Wake up." His lips brush against my jaw.

I open my eyes slowly to his beautiful, smiling face above me and I can't contain my own smile.

"Good morning." He murmurs softly before leaning in to press his lips against mine.

They are warm and pliant as they move against mine. I melt into him, in complete bliss as his attentions set my nerves to tingling and the dappled sunlight warms my skin. It's as though he's in my very pores.

"What are you doing here, Rowan?" I ask when I pull away to catch my breath.

"Kissing you." He chuckles, brushing the tip of his nose against mine.

I roll my eyes and he laughs again, pulling me to sit up with him. He brushes my hair back and lets his fingers tangle in it before cradling the back of my head.

"I came to find you when I heard what happened." He says, answering my question seriously before kissing me lightly on the forehead. Suddenly, the forest seems too quiet and I realize we're completely alone.

"Where are Holly and Ash?" I ask turning around, effectively wrenching myself away from his grasp.

"They're down by the stream washing up." He nods in the direction of the hill but I frown. It's too quiet.

I scramble to my feet and hurry down the hill but my siblings are nowhere in sight. I call out for them but there is no response, the birds have even gone silent.

"Rowan!" I call over my shoulder, "Rowan they aren't here."

The stream is red and bubbling when I reach it. Blood. It starts to widen suddenly, the red, slow-moving fluid reaching out to touch my shoes. I step back but the stream keeps growing, bubbling louder until it turns into a rushing river.

"Rowan!" I scream as I clamor back up the hill but the blood is rising too quickly and I just know it's Holly and Ash's blood. I just know it.

"Camellia!" Rowan shouts, but his voice comes from in front of me rather than behind me where I left him at the top of the hill. My eyes search him out and find him struggling to keep his head above the roaring rush of the bloody river.

I splash into the still rising tide, and it's as if the blood has fingers and it's wrapping me in its slimy grip. I try to swim out to him but he keeps dipping under the surface and reappearing farther away from me no matter how quickly I move. Something wraps around my ankle and I kick but it won't let go. It pulls me deeper and deeper and all I can see is red and I can't breath and-

Everything dissolves into darkness. Eventually, as I catch my breath again, lights start to appear, twinkling around me. A strong wind pulls the hair around my face in wild patterns and I can hear the noisy racket of traffic, something I haven't heard since my time in the Capitol.

"Rowan?" I croak out, hoping that maybe he was somehow transported here too.

"Rowan is preoccupied at the moment." The familiar, chilling voice informs me. I look up and his puffy lips are curled in a cruel smile that instantly sets my heart racing in fear.

"Where am I?" I demand harshly, sitting up and looking around me.

"You're in the Capitol, Camellia." Snow says, licking his bottom lip slowly in a way that makes me cringe.

As I take in my surroundings, I realize I'm on the roof of a building. I know that it's common for there to be small gardens or sitting areas on rooftops but this one is simply concrete and empty.

I stand quickly and nearly stumble into him as dizziness overtakes me. He reaches out a hand to my shoulder to steady me, and I jerk away from his grip with a shudder. He looks pleased with himself and smiles wolfishly as I back away another step.

"What do you want from me? Where is my family?" I demand, voice shaking despite my best efforts to control it.

"I want you, dear." He states simply, "Your siblings are currently locked away in a room far below us. I want your life in exchange for theirs."

"How do I even know you have them?" I demand fiercely, "They're hiding, you'll never-"

He doesn't wait for me to finish as he snaps his fingers and an Avox steps forward to hand him a small black box. I had seen one of these once in one of my Patrons' houses. It's a type of radio but it only transmits over short distances, used to communicate throughout a large building or something of the sort.

Snow flicks a switch, which is followed by static for a moment before I hear Holly crying softly. Ash murmurs to her that they'll be okay- they'll be home soon enough. He reminds her that Camellia will keep them safe.

"Is that proof enough?" He asks sharply, "You know they'll never be safe until you give me what I want."

"Fine." I say without hesitation, "What about Rowan?"

"Rowan has always belonged to the Capitol since the day he was Reaped. He will continue to serve our citizens as he always has but, of course, he is safe." He brushes a thumb impatiently over his lip as he awaits my response.

"Okay." I agree, knowing that there's no better deal I could expect. I'm not sure what Snow wants from me but at least my siblings will be safe. "As long as Rowan gets to see them safely home, I'll do whatever you want."

"Agreed." Snow nods, clasping his hands together in a pleased manner. "I'm glad you could be so agreeable with our requests, dear."

He turns and walks to a door leading off the roof without another word, leaving me alone with the strong wind whipping my hair around my face. It's loud up here from all the traffic in the streets below the city. I wait for Snow to come back with further instructions about what I just agreed to but he doesn't.

The door opens after a long wait and an Avox walks out. It takes me a moment to realize this is my Avox, the one who drove my car during my time in the Capitol. He gives me a sad smile as he holds out a silver tray with a single piece of paper on it. I pick it up with furrowed brow and see it only has one sentence printed on it.

_Time to fly, Songbird._

I look up at the Avox and see he's been watching me with a somber look.

"What does this mean?" I question, holding the card up even though I know he can never answer me.

He glances over the ledge of the roof beside us and I suddenly realize exactly what those four words on the card mean. My heart flutters as it starts to pound faster than it ever has before, as though trying to make up for the short time it has left to work.

"Oh." The word comes out as a breath. The Avox bows with that same sad look before turning and leaving out the same door.

I take another step toward the ledge and I swear my knees are going to give out. My body is shaking, fighting me with every movement. I never thought much about it but I think the body naturally has an impulse to save itself. It takes more willpower than I ever thought I had to fight that natural response.

I stand, staring down at the ledge for a long time, thinking about Ash and Holly. What will they do when they find out? How will they handle it? I won't be there to see them grow up and give them advice. Rowan will take care of them though, of that I'm sure.

A chill spreads through my veins as I step up onto the ledge, my knees shaking unsteadily to the same rapid beat of my heart. My stomach leaps into my throat when I look at the busy streets below.

I can't do this. But Snow has Holly and Ash. I must do this for them.

I know there's no way I'll be able to simply jump. It's as though my feet are cemented to the ledge. So I turn around and close my eyes. Maybe if I pretend that I'm just floating on my back in the pond back home, it won't hurt.

Somehow, it's easier to lean back off the ledge, as though my mind really does believe I'm just falling back into water. My toes lift off and just as they do the door to the roof slams open and he's there, but it's too late. A look of terror crosses Rowan's face when he sees me.

"Camellia." He chokes out as he rushes forward, trying to grab me but I'm too far off the ledge now.

I try to smile so that he knows this is all okay but inside I'm screaming as my feet slip away and I begin to plummet toward the ground. Of course Snow would want to torture us both one last time. I couldn't be forced to kill myself alone; he wanted Rowan to watch it too.

This doesn't feel at all like floating in the pond back home.

I jolt awake with a strangled gasp for air just as my body hits the forest floor. I must have actually thrown myself up into the air during the nightmare. I blink a few times and I'm not entirely sure if I believe I'm awake.

The forest looks just as it had in my dream, but it's not quiet with only the sound of birdsongs in the air. A strong wind rushes through the leaves and there's a strange mechanical noise that reminds me of the Capitol traffic of my dream. I look around but Rowan is nowhere to be found. Ash and Holly are still fast asleep.

I realize after a few minutes that the noise and wind is coming from a hovercraft searching the woods nearby. I huddle closer to Holly and Ash under our rock sanctuary, waiting for the hovercraft to move on. The presence of it means they found the peacekeepers' bodies and they know we're missing.

It's only about a half an hour before the hovercraft has moved far enough away that the woods resume their normal sounds. As I lay there, trying to get a bit more rest but finding it to be an impossible task, I wonder what the Capitol will tell Rowan about our disappearance.

Will they say we decided to flee the district and were attacked by wild animals? Will they say we died of a mysterious disease and they had to burn our bodies to prevent the spread of infection? Will they tell him they found us and executed us?

It doesn't matter what they tell him though, I'm sure they'll convince him that we're all dead. They will break his heart. My stomach turns to stone at the thought of how much suffering this will cause him. It doesn't matter anymore though. We can never go back so we might as well be dead. He'll be safer without me around anyway. He won't have anyone that the Capitol will use as leverage against him.

I know my heart should be breaking as I think about it, but it doesn't. I don't know if there is anything left of my heart. I think, if I were to be cut open right now, there might be a hollow place where it should be, or maybe just a blackened shriveled thing. I don't think I'm capable of really feeling anything anymore. I'm ruined- pushed too far, too many times. My heart just decided to give out. That's why I'm so numb.

I wake Ash and Holly once the sun has peaked in the sky and started to descend toward the horizon. It doesn't take long to gather enough roots for a simple dinner. I don't want to risk starting a fire and attracting another hovercraft so we eat the starchy roots raw. Neither of them complain even though I know it doesn't really taste all that good.

Ash is still watching me with a worried look, as though he's afraid I'm going to lose it at any moment. After yesterday, I don't really blame him. I'm sure I don't look any better than I did then since I hardly slept. I wouldn't be surprised if there are dark circles under my eyes. I sure the numbness I feel only adds to the hollow look in my eyes.

"Okay," I say, standing and brushing myself off a bit, "We should start moving again. I don't want to stay in one place too long with the hovercrafts looking for us."

"We aren't going home?" Holly asks in surprise. This adventure might have been fun last night but I can tell she's still tired and would prefer to head back to her warm, soft bed.

I shake my head slowly, "No, Holly, we're not going home."

She frowns, "For how long?"

Ash stares at me, waiting for me to start screaming again like a lunatic. I sigh and kneel down in front of her holding her arms lightly.

"We're never going home, Holly." I say softly. Her eyes instantly well with tears and I know I'm a horrible person because it doesn't tear me apart like it should- like it always has, "We're going to find a new place and make a new home, you'll see."

"But- but I like our old home. I have friends there." She says, trying not to cry but her bottom lip quivers perilously.

"I know, Holly, but we can't go back." I say with as much sympathy as I can muster in my numb state.

I let one of her arms go and grab onto Ash, "We're all going to need to be very brave now. Do you think we can do that?"

There's a silent pause where Holly starts to shake under my grip and I know in another minute she'll be weeping hopelessly. Ash's hand finds my shoulder and squeezes.

"We can." He says gently and smiles down at Holly then me. "We can be brave, can't we Holly?"

Her glassy green eyes meet Ash's and she stares at him for a long time before nodding weakly. She steps forward and lets her face fall into his chest as he wraps his arms tightly around her.

"It'll be okay, Holly." He whispers softly, his words choked with the tears he's trying to contain, "You'll see. At least we're all together, right?"

She nods again, this time more confidently even though her face is buried in his shirt.

"We'll be okay." He murmurs and looks up at me with a questioning gaze, as though he's looking for me to confirm it somehow. I can't, of course, but I step forward and gather them both in my arms and we stay like that until the sun is low in the sky.

Reluctantly, we all separate and start to walk through the forest again in no particular direction. I don't know where we'll end up but Ash is right, at least we're together.

**AN:** Please, let me know what you're thinking! I love hearing from you! The next chapter is only a rough outline so it might be a bit longer wait than usual.

I also have two points I wanted to discuss:

**1.** We hit the 200,000 word marker several chapters ago (Damn, right?) and I was thinking, I'm pretty swamped with writing right now _but_ I was listening to some music and I thought maybe I would make a fun little playlist of songs that have inspired parts of this story/remind me of the characters. I would post it on my tumblr and I could link to it in the next post. Let me know what you think on it! Or if you have any alternative ideas- let me hear those too!

**2.** If any of you readers are interested, I have started another project- an AU Everlark fic that takes place in 1900s Chicago. This new story is the reason I've been so swamped with writing lately! So if you're sick of waiting for an update here, feel free to check it out if it interests you at all :)


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